isthmus Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Hi, Looking for some advice after my boyfriend cheated on me a few weeks ago. We've been in a long distance relationship for almost a year (the distance will close in 9 months time). A few weeks ago, he had a house party, got very drunk, and slept with another girl (an ex-colleague of his). She knew he had a gf overseas, yet still initiated things. I'm not naive though, he must've been giving off signs that it was okay to go ahead, and he did follow her to his bedroom. I was obviously devastated and still am. I can't get the images out of my head. However, there are a few points which make me want to take him back and work on our relationship. Firstly, he called me first chance he could and confessed (calling me constantly even though he knew I'd be asleep at that time). He told me everything, and answered all of my questions. He didn't make excuses or try to justify any of his actions, and didn't blame it on the alcohol. He said I had done nothing wrong, and there was nothing more he could've asked from me (this somehow makes it worse! There's nothing wrong and yet he still goes and does this!). He said he was a bit sad about our relationship (I had told him the night before that I thought we weren't in contact enough and we should try a little harder to maintain our connection), but that it was not an excuse. He has recognised his flaws - firstly that he doesn't know how to communicate his feelings (I had asked him how he felt about our relationship and he said he was happy!), and secondly that he has a bit of a drinking problem. He has voluntarily given up all contact with the other girl (although they never talked much anyway), and has agreed to some more unreasonable demands such as no longer going for runs with one of his girl friends (who he has previously hooked up with, a few years ago). He constantly updates me on what he's doing and who with (although being on the other side world, it makes it very easy to lie!). And he's constantly taken all the anger, spiteful comments, and hurtful words I've thrown at him, without getting angry back or blaming me. I believe he is truly remorseful and genuinely made a horrible mistake. I know he is hurting too. We have made a huge effort in the few weeks since I found out to try and make it work, skyping for hours almost every day, doing more activities over skype together etc. But I still can't get the images out of my head, and feel like there will never be a day where they won't haunt me. The thought of touching him still makes me sick, imagining that he did the same with her. I'll always wonder what he's up to if he goes out drinking (which he hasn't since this happened), or what he'll do when things get rough. Not only is our trust completely broken, he is a poor communicator (but he has been trying hard to improve this, by writing me long emails), and we are on opposite sides of the world! How can we reconcile over distance? I feel like I could probably forgive, but will never forget. What do you think? Is this relationship worth trying to save? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 If I were you I would move on. I would never give a cheater a second chance. He has betrayed you int he worst way possible and you will never be able to forget that. You'll think about it every time you see him for the rest of your life. Being long distance makes it even harder since you have no way of verifying his actions. He could be spinning you a pack of lies, and you'd never know any better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 I couldn't survive 9 more months of an LDR knowing I was overseas & the woman he cheated on me with was right there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mangetout Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 My ex behaved the same way..had a one night stand and confessed immediately. He was extrememly remorseful and I know that he completely regreted his actions. I gave him a second chance. It took another two years for my relationship to end and it was the most painful experience I have ever been through. I tried so hard to forgive and forget but it was impossible and the mistrust devoured me. I was always wondering what he was up to, whether he was telling me the truth. He also hated being "watched". It was a disaster. Save yourself the extra grief and endit for the sake of your sanity. He has killed the relationship already. A relationship will never blossom without trust. You will never trust him 100 percent. I am truly sorry you are in this awful situation. Be prepared for a lot more pain if you give him a second chance 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 I read a lot of "drunk" sex. Does this somehow give a pass lol? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 I give a lot of props for a voluntary confession. It speaks to true remorse. Normally I think that's exactly what makes the person worth another chance. And statistically in marriages, it doubles the chances of reconciliation. I suspect that he's not a bad guy but simply not yet mature enough for a committed relationship. The long distance also precludes the other things that are required in a reconciliation, like rebuilding trust thru transparency. In this case, it might be better to go your separate ways and maybe someday in the future if you're both living in the same town and single... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author isthmus Posted October 24, 2014 Author Share Posted October 24, 2014 My ex behaved the same way..had a one night stand and confessed immediately. He was extrememly remorseful and I know that he completely regreted his actions. I gave him a second chance. It took another two years for my relationship to end and it was the most painful experience I have ever been through. I tried so hard to forgive and forget but it was impossible and the mistrust devoured me. I was always wondering what he was up to, whether he was telling me the truth. He also hated being "watched". It was a disaster. Save yourself the extra grief and endit for the sake of your sanity. He has killed the relationship already. A relationship will never blossom without trust. You will never trust him 100 percent. I am truly sorry you are in this awful situation. Be prepared for a lot more pain if you give him a second chance Thanks for sharing your story, even though it's not the ending I would've liked to hear I know the chances of me following in your footsteps are high, but I still can't help but wonder how those few 'success stories' have made it. For now, he is happy to be 'watched'... but let's just see how long that lasts :/ I know in the end, it's up to me to put in the effort to let it go and to trust again, as unfair as that is seeing as he was the one that ruined it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author isthmus Posted October 24, 2014 Author Share Posted October 24, 2014 I give a lot of props for a voluntary confession. It speaks to true remorse. Normally I think that's exactly what makes the person worth another chance. And statistically in marriages, it doubles the chances of reconciliation. I suspect that he's not a bad guy but simply not yet mature enough for a committed relationship. The long distance also precludes the other things that are required in a reconciliation, like rebuilding trust thru transparency. In this case, it might be better to go your separate ways and maybe someday in the future if you're both living in the same town and single... I tend to agree with you, deep down I believe he isn't a bad guy, just immature. I realise the transparency thing is a huge issue in an LDR. He's offered to check in with me all the time when he goes out, gives me every minute detail of where he is all the time and who he is with (without me asking), he is in as constant contact with me as possible given we have 9hours time difference. I'm not sure what more I could ask of him, or what extra effort he could put in. But maybe it's just not enough to mend things. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 isthmus, What do you think? Is this relationship worth trying to save? No - sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 No, he doesn't. Why not give faithful men a chance? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 He's offered to check in with me all the time when he goes out, gives me every minute detail of where he is all the time and who he is with (without me asking), he is in as constant contact with me as possible given we have 9hours time difference. I'm not sure what more I could ask of him, or what extra effort he could put in. But maybe it's just not enough to mend things. Why would anyone want to live this way? Regimental and mechanical. Everytime he checks in, it is a reminder to you that there is no trust and even worse, no matter how much he keeps at it, your mind will always be wondering. Even if he tells you who he is with, will you actually sit there and feel relieved or will you wonder if he's actually with who he says he's with? It's ridicilous. If trust doesn't come naturally but you having to control it by way of keeping a check in schedule, how long before it grates on him and you, and when do you get to the point of actually being able to trust him without keeping him on a set of rules? Nine months is a long time to keep daily tabs on someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 I think you should move on. You can't erase this, and the trust issues that stem from this- even if he never cheats again- are very difficult to cope with. If there were kids or a marriage, I would feel that the benefits (giving kids an intact family) are worth the effort & stress, but not in your situation. You two already have to cope with the distance, and don't need trust issues on top of that. It's perfectly normal & healthy for you not to trust him- he cheated and makes bad decisions when he drinks. He doesn't deserve to be trusted, and the distance will make rebuilding that trust really difficult. I think you want to try to make it work, and that's OK, but please be careful. He has already proven himself to be a cheater, and the distance between you makes it very easy for him to cheat. Remember...actions, not words. It's easy to apologize and make promises, but those are just words. His actions must follow those words, which will be difficult with his current lifestyle/friends/parties. As adults, it's our responsibility to protect ourselves (not just physically, but emotionally) from those that have the potential to hurt us. He broke your heart, so he is someone you should be very wary of. Don't forget what he is capable of just because he's sorry, and really think about if this is the kind of guy you want in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 I'm with BetrayedH with regards to giving your boyfriend props for confessing all to you BUT what you need to be aware of is that whatever you're experiencing right now is nothing more than a honeymoon phase. He f*cked up figuratively and literally. He felt guilty and confessed to you and now he's towing the line trying to be the "perfect" boyfriend to make up for his inappropriate and hurtful behavior. That's not to say he isn't sincerely remorseful or that it won't ever happen again (fingers and toes crossed!) BUT if you think this experience is going to make him a better man and an even better communicator you're in for a world of disappointment...especially in a LDR. You either have to forgive and forget and accept who he is unconditionally or you don't. Unfortunately, this is one bell that can't be unrung. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 I would give it a chance. It sounds like he knows what he did and he's aware of what he needs to do to fix this. I think you should give him a chance before completely giving up. Link to post Share on other sites
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