I was the other woman, but I'm not anymore

[Maxie Max]

I do appreciate the time you take to read this as I am in a turbulent situation with a woman that I've been friends with since we were kids.

 

The situation began with her having a baby as a teen. Her mom put her out and every other week she was staying with a different friend. When times got tough, I would help her with buying milk, diapers and cloths. I even went the extra mild and made sure the child had nice birthdays.

 

It reached a point where it got back to me that she was selling and pawning some of the things I purchased. Someone that she was negotiating a price with her informed me. The entire situation just seemed sneaky and wrong as if I were being used.

 

I never confronted her about it although I was in pain, so when her boyfriend made advances - I entertained him. It was my goal to make him in love with me in order to hurt her the way that she had hurt me. I had a very passionate and emotional affair with him. We never slept together. I believe he did grow to love me a lot, just as I planned.

 

I eventually realized that I had gone overboard and distanced myself from him and ended the situation. I tried to make sure she never found out. HOwever, his feelings for me simply couldn't be hid.

 

Now, I have to deal with her calling me at least once a week. It's always that she has heard that we're messing around. She's heard that I'm speaking negative about her to him. That she knows about a hotel we used to go to. It's always something. She says she is telling me these things to let me know how bad he is and that she doesn't have feelings for him anymore.

 

It is very annoying. Does anyone have any advice on what I need to do?

[whatatangledweb]

I would block her number. She can't call if you do that.

[eye of the storm]

Well, why didn't you call her and ask her why she was pawning your gifts. Do you think she was broke and felt it was her only option? I'm not saying she should have pawned it but the reasons might have not upset you to the point where you did your best to steal her BF.

 

But you did try to steal her BF and now you are dealing with the fallout. When you become an OW, there are risks. This is just one of them.

 

What you should do depends on what outcome you want.

 

Do you want to preserve the friendship? Then tell her that you never slept with him but you two did get more involved than you should have and you realized it and stopped. You both need to discuss your pain. Hers that you would do that and yours with the gifts.

 

Do you just want an end to the phone calls? Block her phone number and block her on FB.

[Maxie Max]

Well, why didn't you call her and ask her why she was pawning your gifts. Do you think she was broke and felt it was her only option? I'm not saying she should have pawned it but the reasons might have not upset you to the point where you did your best to steal her BF.

 

But you did try to steal her BF and now you are dealing with the fallout. When you become an OW, there are risks. This is just one of them.

 

What you should do depends on what outcome you want.

 

Do you want to preserve the friendship? Then tell her that you never slept with him but you two did get more involved than you should have and you realized it and stopped. You both need to discuss your pain. Hers that you would do that and yours with the gifts.

 

Do you just want an end to the phone calls? Block her phone number and block her on FB.

 

I didn't call her about the gifts because I'm not a confrontational person.

 

I would love to preserve the friendship and put all of this to rest. I've already told her that I never met in a hotel with him and yet she has asked me about that multiple times. I've also told her that I've never slept with him and do not have romantic feelings for him. That's pretty much all I am willing to say about it. I don't really want to sit and discuss detail for detail with her because it was so many years ago when I dealt with him.

[eye of the storm]

Asking someone why they are doing something that hurts your feelings is not confrontational. It is called communicating. Calling them up and accusing them and not giving them a chance to talk to you about the situation is.

 

Ok, from here you might need to sit her down and admit you were in the wrong, then tell her she has X amount of questions she is allowed to ask and you will answer them honestly. After that, the topic is closed and you two will put it behind you. Ask her if that is acceptable. If she says its not...then you need to decide if you want to remain friends with her.

 

From my POV, sometimes getting past a friend that does this to you is harder than getting past the BF.

 

You need to validate her feelings and understand the damage you caused. You need to give her a chance to work thru this. Hopefully she will be able to let it go after this and you two can move on.

 

If she is unable to let it go, even with you answering her questions, then the friendship is over. You may not want that, she may not want that. But if you continue to avoid and she continues to hang on to this then the friendship is pretty much done.

 

Im sorry. I wish it was as easy as you want it to be. But I know from experience it isn't. good luck

[Owl]

I didn't call her about the gifts because I'm not a confrontational person.

 

I would love to preserve the friendship and put all of this to rest. I've already told her that I never met in a hotel with him and yet she has asked me about that multiple times. I've also told her that I've never slept with him and do not have romantic feelings for him. That's pretty much all I am willing to say about it. I don't really want to sit and discuss detail for detail with her because it was so many years ago when I dealt with him.

 

Look at this from her viewpoint.

 

Why should she trust your answers about this? What you did was incredibly painful for her...and you did it simply out of spite.

 

You ONLY did it to hurt her, even though HE became deeply emotionally involved.

 

Why should she trust you now? I'm not calling you out here. I'm simply giving you something to consider.

[carhill]

OP, since it was years ago, I'm not sure what qualifies it as an active affair, which is the focus of this forum. To me it seems more like a friendship which went sour in the milieu of a long-ago inappropriate interaction. Why not accept that it went sour, let it go, terminate any method of contact and move on? Friendships are generally transactional and transitory so, if it's not working, that's OK.

 

I'm with Owl regarding the trust part. There's no verifiable way to prove or disprove the past, or present, involvements. If you had a kid with the guy's DNA, that would be one verifiable method. All the rest is circumstantial and hear-say and opinion.

 

Just move on. People are people and there's billions of them.

[Maxie Max]

Asking someone why they are doing something that hurts your feelings is not confrontational. It is called communicating. Calling them up and accusing them and not giving them a chance to talk to you about the situation is.

 

Ok, from here you might need to sit her down and admit you were in the wrong, then tell her she has X amount of questions she is allowed to ask and you will answer them honestly. After that, the topic is closed and you two will put it behind you. Ask her if that is acceptable. If she says its not...then you need to decide if you want to remain friends with her.

 

From my POV, sometimes getting past a friend that does this to you is harder than getting past the BF.

 

You need to validate her feelings and understand the damage you caused. You need to give her a chance to work thru this. Hopefully she will be able to let it go after this and you two can move on.

 

If she is unable to let it go, even with you answering her questions, then the friendship is over. You may not want that, she may not want that. But if you continue to avoid and she continues to hang on to this then the friendship is pretty much done.

 

Im sorry. I wish it was as easy as you want it to be. But I know from experience it isn't. good luck

I was young at the time when I made the decision to not ask her about what went on.

 

She has also wanted to sit down at lunch and discuss what I did, but I passed on the matter because a lot of the accusations that she presented weren't true.

 

I guess I partly feel as though she doesn't deserve an explanation because she realizes that she wronged me even though I never said anything about it.

[Maxie Max]

Look at this from her viewpoint.

 

Why should she trust your answers about this? What you did was incredibly painful for her...and you did it simply out of spite.

 

You ONLY did it to hurt her, even though HE became deeply emotionally involved.

 

Why should she trust you now? I'm not calling you out here. I'm simply giving you something to consider.

 

Yes, this and Carhill's post makes me feel like the friendship is already over. It's like I'm treated like the other woman even though I'm technically not anymore. It is time for me to move on.

[eye of the storm]

Outside looking in...the friendship is done.

 

She can't let this go, and you can't/won't communicate with her.

 

In the future, when a friend upsets you, talk to them while the issue is small. If you keep it in it will fester and grow and eventually infect other parts of your life.

[eye of the storm]

You are dealing with having been an OW. These are common issues that happen.

 

You were a very close friend to her and she was betrayed by both her BF and her friend. It was a double wammy and you don't seem like you appreciate her pain.

 

Have you ever apologized for your part? Taken responsibility? She might be able to let it go if you did that without trying to shift blame.

 

By your own words you started this EA just to hurt her. Congratulations, you succeeded.

 

If you want to save this friendship, you will need to do some work. If it is more work than you care to do, then just walk away.

[stillafool]

I personally think the friendship has run its course and she will never trust you again. I don't think what she did is as bad as what you did to her. As Eye of the Storm said maybe she was broke and that was her only option. I think you should have talked to her about it instead of sleezing around with her boyfriend.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Read the quote in my signature.

 

Own up to your actions and admit your wrongs. Whether or not your friend comes clean and apologizes for her actions is irrelevant. Take responsibility and learn from your mistake. Revenge is never the answer.

[anika99]

I was young at the time when I made the decision to not ask her about what went on.

 

She has also wanted to sit down at lunch and discuss what I did, but I passed on the matter because a lot of the accusations that she presented weren't true.

 

I guess I partly feel as though she doesn't deserve an explanation because she realizes that she wronged me even though I never said anything about it.

 

She didn't wrong you. I can understand why you would feel hurt and offended by what she did but gifts can't be given with strings attached or they are not gifts. You never even gave her a chance to explain herself. Maybe she had a good reason. Maybe somebody gave her something that you also gave her and she didn't need 2 of the same thing, or maybe she was at a point of desperation for money. Who knows? You never let her explain herself and now you won't explain yourself because you are passive aggressive and a conflict avoider. Her selling a couple of gifts are not comparable to the betrayal you inflicted on her.

 

 

This friendship is over. Your friend is facing losing her bf and her good friend (you) at the same time. That is a lot of pain for her to take in so she is deluding herself that you are her friend and the friendship can be salvaged. Hopefully she will work through her pain and come to the realization that as soon as you took up with her bf you stopped being a friend to her.

 

 

Also I am confused by the sequence of events. You say it was years ago that you dealt with the bf and she found out because he couldn't hide his feelings. If this is years ago then how come she's just started calling you about it now?

[Maxie Max]

No, I have never apologized or accepted responsibility for anything. She asks me about specific things and I’ll blow her off or deny it altogether. Then, a couple of years pass and she’s asking again. I’ve even tried to give her space but it is like she insists on remaining friends. It truly is a mess.

Do I think it was worth it? I don’t know. I can’t regret anything because at one point it was exactly what I wanted. But, would I do it now? Absolutely not. I just don’t see the point in going back and revisiting what a younger me did. It’ll only hurt her more in the end considering that she is still with him and he has made advances recently.

If there is no other way to fix this, I will have to move on.

[Maxie Max]

She didn't wrong you. I can understand why you would feel hurt and offended by what she did but gifts can't be given with strings attached or they are not gifts. You never even gave her a chance to explain herself. Maybe she had a good reason. Maybe somebody gave her something that you also gave her and she didn't need 2 of the same thing, or maybe she was at a point of desperation for money. Who knows? You never let her explain herself and now you won't explain yourself because you are passive aggressive and a conflict avoider. Her selling a couple of gifts are not comparable to the betrayal you inflicted on her.

 

 

This friendship is over. Your friend is facing losing her bf and her good friend (you) at the same time. That is a lot of pain for her to take in so she is deluding herself that you are her friend and the friendship can be salvaged. Hopefully she will work through her pain and come to the realization that as soon as you took up with her bf you stopped being a friend to her.

 

 

Also I am confused by the sequence of events. You say it was years ago that you dealt with the bf and she found out because he couldn't hide his feelings. If this is years ago then how come she's just started calling you about it now?

If there were no issue to the gifts, why not just tell me that she would prefer or needed the money instead? Why did I have to find out from someone else that she was doing this? That is what really hurt me. It seemed sneaky and wrong and it is something that I cried about. There is nothing I wouldn’t have done for her or her kids.

He speaks to me sometimes. Not in a romantic way.

Edited October 23, 2014 by Maxie Max

[stillafool]

I'm sure she's done some crying about what you've done to her also. Lots of people get duplicate baby and bridal shower gifts. They politely return them to the store for exchange or money back for something they really need. It isn't necessary to disclose this to the gift giver. Again, what you did does not compare in the least to what you did to her. I think it's a good thing the friendship has ended.

[Owl]

If there were no issue to the gifts, why not just tell me that she would prefer or needed the money instead? Why did I have to find out from someone else that she was doing this? That is what really hurt me. It seemed sneaky and wrong and it is something that I cried about. There is nothing I wouldn’t have done for her or her kids.

He speaks to me sometimes. Not in a romantic way.

 

Maybe she was worried (rightfully so apparently) that you'd have hurt feelings about the gifts, so she didn't want to tell you?

 

And how does any of that, in any way, equate to getting her boyfriend to fall in love with you as revenge????

 

Talk about overkill.

 

Frankly...the friendship SHOULD have ended a long time ago from the sounds of it.

[Maxie Max]

Maybe she was worried (rightfully so apparently) that you'd have hurt feelings about the gifts, so she didn't want to tell you?

 

And how does any of that, in any way, equate to getting her boyfriend to fall in love with you as revenge????

 

Talk about overkill.

 

Frankly...the friendship SHOULD have ended a long time ago from the sounds of it.

Pain is pain. That's how I felt at the time.

[anika99]

She keeps bringing it up every couple of years because she knows in her gut that she has never gotten the truth. When her doubts surface she gets uncomfortable and asks you questions hoping somebody will finally tell her the truth. You lie and avoid and she thinks maybe she's crazy and then she stuffs her suspicions down again thinking it all must be in her head. Poor woman. Her reality is really being f**ked with by you and her BF. Wish someone would just tell her the truth and put her out of her misery. Looks like your plan for revenge worked out great as she is still suffering to this day.

[Owl]

Pain is pain. That's how I felt at the time.

 

Right...but your actions were still unjustifiable.

 

And you still focus on how you don't think she should bring it up...whereas she clearly has NOT gotten past it.

 

How you dealt with what you felt at the time is STILL HURTING HER AT THE PRESENT.

 

What are you hoping we can tell you here on LS to rectify this?

[Sassy Girl]

With friends like you, who needs enemies?

[Maxie Max]

Right...but your actions were still unjustifiable.

 

And you still focus on how you don't think she should bring it up...whereas she clearly has NOT gotten past it.

 

How you dealt with what you felt at the time is STILL HURTING HER AT THE PRESENT.

 

What are you hoping we can tell you here on LS to rectify this?

I'm not sure what I expected you all to say honestly. I guess I was hoping that someone was in a similar situation and would be able to tell me how to repair the situation.

[Maxie Max]

With friends like you, who needs enemies?

I really was a great friend at first. There wasn't anything that I wouldn't do for anyone. I would go without so that my friends could have and I never judged anyone.

 

A situation changed me. But, I didn't allow it to change me for good.

[Maxie Max]

She keeps bringing it up every couple of years because she knows in her gut that she has never gotten the truth. When her doubts surface she gets uncomfortable and asks you questions hoping somebody will finally tell her the truth. You lie and avoid and she thinks maybe she's crazy and then she stuffs her suspicions down again thinking it all must be in her head. Poor woman. Her reality is really being f**ked with by you and her BF. Wish someone would just tell her the truth and put her out of her misery. Looks like your plan for revenge worked out great as she is still suffering to this day.

He does not allow anyone to bring me up or say anything negative about it. If it happens, he gets very protective. She just sees that he cares for me and that leads to her doubts.

 

I know she has asked him why it happened and the details. From what I know, he lies and covers it. Honestly, I really don't think he even knows the complete why. It is something that only I can answer.

 

My problem is that I really don't know what to say to her because I don't want to revisit what she did to me. Nothing can correct it. I don't think she actually wants the details like she says.

 

I was hoping there was something else I could do