Are we just magnets for this type of man?

[MissTakes]

After a couple of experiences this weekend, I've been reviewing my past, and I've come to a startling hypothesis: I may be a magnet for men who are already in relationships.

 

I've joked about this before with my friend, who says that it's the combination of my outwards innocence and overall naiveté along with the underlying wild streak that is just barely detectable. Basically, in her words, I have the personality that this type of man is attracted to, along with "EASY MARK" plastered across my forehead.

 

In the past, I've always just laughed it off. Sure, I've had married men come onto me before, but hasn't everyone? But looking back...

 

1) When I was in college, my best guy friend was in a relationship, and I didn't think anything of it or anything romantic towards him until he got drunk and told me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. It took him another (torturous) 6 months to break up with his girlfriend. He was constantly pushing to cross the line during those 6 months, and though I don't think we technically did... it was damn close. We no longer speak.

 

2) The xMM. Obvious.

 

3) I was attending a professional conference very recently, and during a social event, was chatting with a guy who quickly moved it into the definitely hitting on me zone. I thought it was strange, being that we were at a professional conference, but just kind of went with it - until a mutual friend of ours joined our conversation and made a passing comment to him about his being married. When she said this, he laughed, turned to me, and said, "Don't listen to her. I mean, it may be true, but it doesn't mean anything." I'm sorry, but are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?

 

4) One of my close friends. When we first met, we briefly dated, and spent one fantastic night together before he had, basically, a meltdown. I chalked it up to experience, we've stayed friends, and we haven't even had any romantic vibes between us in over a year - which is good, since a few months back, he started dating a girl who is very sweet and who he cares about very much, by all accounts. Well, I recently had a little house party at which he got very drunk, insisted on staying so that we could have a "heart-to-heart." Most of what we talked about was genuinely just friendship things... but then he brought up the night we spent together, and told me that it was "one of the best nights of his life," but that it freaked him out to be that close to someone... and that he really just needed me there next to him right then. The conversation moved on from there, as I didn't want to get into all that. Maybe a half hour later, he's giving me a hug, and his hand slips down to my butt. I assumed it was just a drunk accident at first, but he then acknowledged it, and kept doing it - really just fondling my butt. And pulling me in to him closer. Nothing beyond that happened, and I think that when he woke up sober in the morning, he was embarrassed... but still.

 

These are just the 4 that I think of off the top of my head. I could also go on and on about the number of guys in bars that I've been talking to for 10 minutes before I realize they're trying to subtly slip off their wedding band. It's ridiculous. So, I want to know: is it just me? Is it something that other OW have experienced? And is it all men, or just the men that are attracted to us?

[FusionCutter]

I'm sure you're able to attract all types of guys. However stop focusing on others and focus on yourself. Why do you repeatedly choose to notice them? Stop giving them attention and nothing will happen. Respect other people's relationship boundaries. That simply will keep you out of trouble.

 

Stop blaming others and take responsibilities for your own actions and you will go a long way at protecting yourself.

[MissTakes]

Um, I've only ever been the OW once, and in case you don't know the history of my A, I didn't know that he was married, and ended it when I found out. He's tried to pull me back in a few times since then, and has never succeeded. The other men I discuss above never even got as far as kissing me: I wouldn't let them because I don't want to cross any relationship boundaries. I'm just wondering if other OW/former OW's have had similar experiences. It might just be that I'm hypersensitive about people cheating because of my experience, and that's why it stands out to me when I feel like someone is trying to cross a line. But I don't know.

[FusionCutter]

Um, I've only ever been the OW once, and in case you don't know the history of my A, I didn't know that he was married, and ended it when I found out. He's tried to pull me back in a few times since then, and has never succeeded. The other men I discuss above never even got as far as kissing me: I wouldn't let them because I don't want to cross any relationship boundaries. I'm just wondering if other OW/former OW's have had similar experiences. It might just be that I'm hypersensitive about people cheating because of my experience, and that's why it stands out to me when I feel like someone is trying to cross a line. But I don't know.

 

Could it be that you are attracted to the allure of someone emotionally unavailable? Perhaps subconsciously?

[MissTakes]

I won't go so far as to rule that out - but again, I've only actually ever BEEN an OW once. I've dated plenty of other guys who are fantastic and emotionally available.

 

I'm not saying that the only people I have romantic interactions with are emotionally unavailable, I'm saying that it seems like I get more than my fair share of emotionally unavailable guys hitting on me.

[Be_Strong]

Are you an attractive woman? It doesn't take more than that to draw the attention of guys. What you seem to be noticing is simply that there are a lot of *******s out there willing to cheat on their girlfriends/wives.

[hello234]

That's what I think it is- I agree with the above post.. There are just a bunch of desperate, bored guys out there willing to cheat and flirt with others.. heck, more than 50% of the population of guys are like that so I am not surprised you are coming across so many..Very few rare gems out there.. go try to find one of those.. You can consider yourself a lucky girl once you do..

[GypsumSatellite]

I wasn't a target for unavailable men pre-MM. I think I can chalk that up to keeping to myself with either work, college or steady/serious relationships. I wouldn't even engage other men in close conversation if I was seeing someone.

 

Then the R with MM happened. Around the time I began seeing him, an old school friend popped up after many years and expressed this whole unrequited lust thing for me. It bothered me greatly because he had a long term girlfriend and I saw this as just him having a deseperate moment in his life. He pursued me heavily, even after I blocked him on social media - to the point of sending me a letter in the mail but no return address because he didn't want his GF to know he was soliciting me like that. I told his GF about it. It was very disturbing.

 

Once I began working at a new job, several of the men (a few of those married) took a shining to me. What I initially assumed was workplace camaraderie, I quickly saw as them stretching their boundaries - staying longer than usual, talking about their marriages in a disinterested or "woe is me" manner, and asking me to lunch on non-work days. I always declined and reasserted my boundaries, same as I did to the single men who approached me.

 

I don't feel like a magnet exactly. I think that several men have taken my ease of conversation and general friendliness as a sign I'm open to more. It also doesn't help that I am unmarried and childless and that signals an attractive "come and go as I please" mentality.

[OWAmy]

I work in a male dominated industry so I've been out for business drinks and lunches on many occasions with MM. A lot of them are just after an ego boost so will say things and see what your response is. They like to think they have still got it, but if you actually said Oh okay then, they would run a mile.

 

I won a lot of business when I was younger by flirting and taking advantage of their neediness for the ego boost without ever doing anything. A lot of that goes on in the business world. Now I have the client base thank god I don't have to mingle with them!

 

xMM was just the pinnacle of my history of dating emotionally unavailable man. I think it took the xMM to make me eventually realise the pattern in my relationships.

[Scorpio Chick]

Easy girl!!! Whoa!! I'm sorry you got offended, but you TOTALLY mistook what I said. I DID read ALL the comments, I DON'T go around replying without doing that.

 

YOU are the one that said 'easy mark' without clarifying, and I DID not mean slut, or anything else like that. But YOU are the one who is posting that men in committed relationships are hitting on you and you're wondering what it means. I'm sorry if I happen to believe that men in committed relationships hitting on another woman are only looking for one thing. THAT doesn't mean I am saying YOU are the slut, THEY are. I'd like an apology, and you might want to reread YOUR original post, then REREAD mine. You jumped to a conclusion I never made. My insult was to the unavailable men out there. Others on here have commented that, as advice to you, since you say you keep running in to this problem, then maybe you shouldn't engage with them in any way. Wow. Your response was over the top to me, and completely unfair, so you're right, if you felt that way, you shouldn't have responded.