Emotional Abuse?

[heatherxx2]

I need help trying to figure out if this could be on the lines of emotional abuse. Here's an email from my x, it's been almost a year since we broke up, we've talked on and off, but I finally said no more. But he contacted me on what would have been 5 year anniversary, I caved and wrote back. Everyone thinks his manipulating me, I need some other input, beside from my friends and family.

 

Here's the an email: I don't particularly expect you ever to truly forgive me. And that quote is exactly what I did to you in the past. But I truly don't want to do that to you now. Honestly, I don't care if you forgive me half as much as I want you not to have bad feelings over me. I am not saying bad feelings towards me, you can have those. But I don't want you to feel pain when you think of me or talk to me or what have you. Does that make sense? I am not sure it does.

 

As far as wanting anything other than you as my friend? I guess you could say I was trying to greedily gain your forgiveness to make myself feel better. I don't care about your forgiveness. Not anymore, not really. I don't mean that to sound bad, but I can't expect you to forgive me. My biggest problem is forgiving myself and being honest with myself over the things I have done, and try desperately not to continue doing. And you are right not to trust me. I barely trust myself anymore. I do not believe I can honestly change. Not easily and not quickly, all I can do for now is TRY. Try to do better and be better. And, oddly enough, I have to admit selfishness in trying, because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to be happy and the only way to do that is to learn how to be better and then do it.

 

My Grandma (dad's mom, the mean one) died a couple weeks ago, and although I felt little remorse in her passing because she was never very nice to me, I sat at that church and I thought, She wasn't nice to me, but did that give me a right not to be nice to her? I don't know, a tricky thing all around. But I also don't want to end up like her. Stubborn and "right" about everything but no friends and my family disliking me. That isn't a good way to be.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by heatherxx2

I don't particularly expect you ever to truly forgive me. And that quote is exactly what I did to you in the past. But I truly don't want to do that to you now. Honestly, I don't care if you forgive me half as much as I want you not to have bad feelings over me. I am not saying bad feelings towards me, you can have those. But I don't want you to feel pain when you think of me or talk to me or what have you. Does that make sense? I am not sure it does.

What does this tell? He does not expect you to forgive him for what he did. He is portraying himself as passive. He has done some things he should not have done, and he admits to that. Sounds promising? Read on, and it is about him again, more exactly how you feel about him. By not having bad feelings about him, you'd somehow have forgiven him for what he has done to you. Of course that is something which is impossible if you have been the victim of an emotional abuser. And read again: it is all about him. Not you, but him: he wants you to think better of him, than you do now.

 

As far as wanting anything other than you as my friend? I guess you could say I was trying to greedily gain your forgiveness to make myself feel better. I don't care about your forgiveness. Not anymore, not really. I don't mean that to sound bad, but I can't expect you to forgive me. My biggest problem is forgiving myself and being honest with myself over the things I have done, and try desperately not to continue doing. And you are right not to trust me. I barely trust myself anymore. I do not believe I can honestly change. Not easily and not quickly, all I can do for now is TRY. Try to do better and be better. And, oddly enough, I have to admit selfishness in trying, because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to be happy and the only way to do that is to learn how to be better and then do it.

Whatever he has done, he has done it. He even expresses he believes cannot change. Always trust these kinds of statements of abusive people. They are generally true, as it is very hard to improve your abusive ways. He can try to change, and he might be doing so. But that in no way implies you have any kind of obligation to return to him, or even try to be friends with him. You have dealt with enough of the crap he has done to you.

It's easy to write about self-loathing, and trying to change one-self. Probably in your relationship he has told you these kind of things a lot of times, or even worse he considered himself as almost infallible.

 

My Grandma (dad's mom, the mean one) died a couple weeks ago, and although I felt little remorse in her passing because she was never very nice to me, I sat at that church and I thought, She wasn't nice to me, but did that give me a right not to be nice to her? I don't know, a tricky thing all around. But I also don't want to end up like her. Stubborn and "right" about everything but no friends and my family disliking me. That isn't a good way to be.

I don't know if you knew the particular person who died. If you knew her well, it might be some personal information. If you suspect abusive ways, he mentions her passing to inspire sympathy for his loss.

 

Maybe he is truly remorseful. Maybe he does try to improve himself. But let him prove it with facts, and not with words. Words are hollow, especially when uttered by abusers.

Furthermore there is no way you are obliged to remain friends with an abusive person. Understand that. If he destroyed your self-esteem or even worse had been physically abusive towards you, I would even recommend to drop him completely out of your life. The timing is also very suggestive. He chose a special day, for a reason, as it would bring up more memories of him. Otherwise he would have sent the email any other day.

[Craig]

It doesn't look like emotional abuse to me.

 

It does look like he is aware that he may have wronged you in the past and is trying to become a better person. Along the way to becoming a better person he is going to make mistakes and because he has some confusion about what the right thing to do is he wrote a letter like this to you.

 

I'm not saying that I think he is right or wrong--just that he may be aware that he can be a better person and may be trying.

 

If I were you (and I'm not) I wouldn't have any more contact with him. He is on his own journey of self discovery and you can't save him or make it easier for him. That is to say he needs to feel the pain (pain is a great motivator).

 

He wants you to be pain free when you think of him but you can't will something like that. It'll take you time to heal on your own schedule.

 

So is his letter emotional abuse? No, not really it's a confused man writing what is on his mind and seeking answers to the questions that only he can answer.

 

PS - The last paragraph about his grandma may be manipulative or it may be his misunderstanding that family and ex's are two different things. If you ever run into him you can choose to be polite to him but that doesn't mean you have spend a nanosecond more than that in his company.

 

Here is a link to information on Emotional Abuse...

 

http://www.wholefamily.com/aboutyourmarriage/communicating/article/emotional_abuse.html