Michigangal Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 8 months ago I started to chat with a married man on Facebook. He said he was happily married and liked me as an intelligent chat friend. He chatted with me every day, morning - night. Sent me me cute pictures, songs, eventually said he loved me. Gradually, we began to talk about being old souls, knowing each other in past lives. We made a vow to meet each other in the next life. He always said he loved his wife and family. He said I was his best friend. He send me pictures from inside his home all the time of his wife and children - while they were eating dinner, sitting on the couch. He would have FB messenger dates with me... we would talk , drink wine and listen to music together. He tells me he loves me and never wants to lose me. One time I felt bad and unfriended him. He was a nervous wreck. I felt bad and refriended him. Recently, he has asked if it was ok for him to masterbate while talking to me. He asked if I would do that also. I was shocked. He says it is healthy because we will never be together and he loves me. The problem is that I've fallen in an emotional love with him. Obviously, he's emotionally having an affair with me. I need advice. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 This is just all around wrong and you know it is or you wouldn't have come here for the sole purpose of asking if it was or not..... So, stop the madness. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Are you also in a relationship or just this married guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michigangal Posted October 24, 2014 Author Share Posted October 24, 2014 I am not in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Why are you participating in this affair? He has hooked you and said all the right things to get you emotionally invested. He's probably bored in his marriage and so this excites him as a little side action. Don't be shocked to learn that you're not the only one, either. Him sending you pictures of his family is strange, I think. Did you ask to see them? Have you ever spoken on the phone or Skyped with him? I'm asking because I would wonder if he is who he says he is. But what are you getting out of it? An online chat buddy with a hint of kink. He's wrong when he says it's healthy. No, it isn't. If he's in fact married, it's wrong. I would not continue this. He's told you that you will never meet. (except in your next lifetime...) This won't amount to anything more than it already is, which isn't a heck of a lot, in terms of substance. Looks more like he is looking to get off, while you are developing feelings. This is a no-go area with a married person. If you don't mind me asking, how old are both of you? Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Block him and work on your self-esteem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 You don't find his behavior at all creepy? There are TONS of good & real men in Michigan. Get yourself out in the real world with friends and meet some of them! It will do wonders for your self esteem* Leave creepy alone Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 You are volunteering to be this guy's live entertainment. You aren't seeing it like that because he groomed you and fostered an emotional bond with you. These are the same tactics that pedophiles use to groom kids. He gradually built trust and made you comfortable- by sending family photos, having long conversations, paying attention to you. All with an end goal in mind- getting you to agree to be a willing participant for what he really wants- sexual gratification. He also uses the pedophile tactic of normalizing it and making it seem OK- it's healthy, it's normal, we love each other, etc. And then the wine to get your guard down. It's very manipulative and I wish you could see that. If that's what you want, go for it, but at least see it for what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michigangal Posted October 24, 2014 Author Share Posted October 24, 2014 This 8 month relationship has been friendly and nonsexual until recently. The last three weeks has escalated to his desire to want to "relieve" himself with me. He has established that we are soulmates. We say the same thing at the same time.. often posting the same words (which is unbelievable). He has worked out his issues with mother (non-affectionate, non-tacticle) with me as I have concerning my father (non-affectionate,non-tactile). Remember, he is in Holland and they are very progressive, secular. He says it's not impossible to love someone in a different way than a wife... as a soulmate. Recently, he's started Messengering me via phone and wanting to fall asleep with me from Holland. Listening to his heartbeat and sleep breathing, as he listens to mine. It all sounds very strange... however, could it be possible to have an affectionate love for an old soul - while still having a different love for a wife? He says he will never let me go and needs me. Could he really be in love with me also ... in a different way and still love his wife in a different way ? There is definitely a codependent emotional needy relationship going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 I bet if you say you will never do anything sexual with him and stick to it, he will find another soulmate. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michigangal Posted October 24, 2014 Author Share Posted October 24, 2014 My friend in Holland also leaves his phone on when he has friends over playing guitars because he says he wants to share the time with me. He also calls his parents on the phone and lets me listen to him talking to his parents. He shares everything with me. Whenever he has a spare minute to talk to me he phones me via messenger. It's almost in an obsessive way. The recent inclusion of his desire to "masterbate" in his words is because of his frustration in not being able to be with me. I am really confused. I am not a psychologist however, can this be the natural progression of a frustrated man who can't leave his wife and family and who has really fallen in "infatuation" or as he puts it "soulmate love) with someone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michigangal Posted October 24, 2014 Author Share Posted October 24, 2014 My friend in Holland tells me that I am his "best friend". He says he's never had a best friend in his life. He asks my permission if he can "relieve himself" while talking to me. I tell him that this is his choice. It really does sound sick as I type this... however, he says it is normal, healthy and not shameful. He also says he has a wonderful sexual relationship with his wife. Is a masterbating man "innocent"... he says it is not sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Remember, he is in Holland and they are very progressive, secular. He says it's not impossible to love someone in a different way than a wife... as a soulmate. Are we? Not sure how us progressive, secular Dutch people think about polygamous internet affairs. Maybe I should my ask my married neighbours? TBH, he does seem to be really into you with the whole listening/ sleeping/listening to your heartbeat thing. Us Dutch people are passionate people . He is also having an emotional affair with you while married... Do you really want to go down this road? Seems like you have your head screwed on right and it will be fairly easy to not let it go any further. It will get harder down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 My friend in Holland tells me that I am his "best friend". He says he's never had a best friend in his life. He asks my permission if he can "relieve himself" while talking to me. I tell him that this is his choice. It really does sound sick as I type this... however, he says it is normal, healthy and not shameful. He also says he has a wonderful sexual relationship with his wife. Is a masterbating man "innocent"... he says it is not sex. You simply cannot be that naive. If it's so harmless, message his wife and fill her in on his "healthy" lifestyle and your role in it. His nationality has nothing to do with it. He's manipulating you into being a party to his cheating. How old are you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michigangal Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 Apparently, my friend's wife gives him a wide range of freedom. This is typical in many marriages. He has ear phones plugged into him morning, noon and night. Apparently, every marriage is different. If his marriage is awesome and sexually fulfilling and I am merely his Facebook crush - how does this hurt anyone? He's acting out in an obviously fantasy manner and not having a real life affair that could ruin his marriage. I, in turn, find the fantasy of him interesting. However, I am beginning to see the danger of an emotional involvement whether it's real or FANTASY. I realize that this has to stop. At this point it has become obsessive and emotionally draining. Not sure how to amicablly end this. At this point, we both need each other. I wish a psychologist or psychiatrist could reply to this. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Apparently, my friend's wife gives him a wide range of freedom. This is typical in many marriages. He has ear phones plugged into him morning, noon and night. Apparently, every marriage is different. If his marriage is awesome and sexually fulfilling and I am merely his Facebook crush - how does this hurt anyone? He's acting out in an obviously fantasy manner and not having a real life affair that could ruin his marriage. I, in turn, find the fantasy of him interesting. However, I am beginning to see the danger of an emotional involvement whether it's real or FANTASY. I realize that this has to stop. At this point it has become obsessive and emotionally draining. Not sure how to amicablly end this. At this point, we both need each other. I wish a psychologist or psychiatrist could reply to this. These two statements contradict each other. If he's connected to a computer morning, noon and night.... I'm sorry, but his marriage sucks. Are you sure he's really even married? And no, showing you pics of some woman isn't proof. The fact that you even question how his behaviour is detrimental to a relationship indicates that you don't have much relationship experience yourself. Am I correct? It's ok if you don't, but I very much doubt you would be happy if your partner was lazing around the internet all day looking for a masturbation partner. Does he not have a job? Children? How old does he claim to be? I think you are being taken for a ride, OP. If this guy really has a family, he simply would not have time to be chatting with you "obsessively". I call some BS on his part.. i don't think he is who presents himself to be. And I agree with another poster: if you told him that sexual activity was not going to happen, I can nearly guarantee this guy would find a new "best friend." You don't need each other - that's an excuse to continue doing what you're doing. You want each other. Huge difference. You're becoming dependent on someone you've never met and never will meet (his words, as I recall?) You don't need a psychologist to tell you this is unhealthy. You can end it whenever you want. You need to ask yourself why you don't want to. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 At this point, we both need each other. Nah. You need him much more than you'd like to believe, and certainly much more than he needs you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michigangal Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 If a spouse doesn't care if the other walks around with earphones plugged in and a smartphone in their hand every minute of the day and night... it that denial or consent? Also can a person engage in a fantasy emotional relationship and still maintain the integrity of a good marriage. If a marriage is functional and happy is there something wrong with an emotional affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michigangal Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 My friend in Holland leaves the phone on while he chats with his wife and children. Maybe he gets excited if he does this. I have hundreds of pictures of dinner, gardening, vacations with children and wife. He wants to share his life with me and I've shared pictures of my life with him. I have a life with other males... however, this relationship seems to work for both of us. The only issues is his introduction of "masterbation". This is what has thrown a wrench into the "friendship" relationship. Before that, it was all bout being best friends, old souls who will meet in the next life. He justifies this in that it's healthy, innocent and not sex. Is it sex? This is the question. If a man masterbates within a marriage online with a woman (or male if it is a female)- how does this abrogate the marriage committment? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 I find some of the things stated in this thread very hard to believe. Somebody is telling some very strange tales. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 You're being lied to by your "friend" who sensed he can get you into the ship for more. No normal wife who has a household with kids to run will appreciate a lazy a$$ sitting around with his earphones and sticking to his computer day and night. You're getting the usual deception-fodder every soon-to-be-OW gets. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michigangal Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 I wouldn ever think of contacting his wife... that would be wrong and ridiculous. She knows he is on line constantly with his smartphone glued to his hand and headphones in all the time. Some couples have an unique relationship that allow others vast freedoms. Maybe she knows her husband needs to act out because she knows he is home every day and night and loves her. The issue I am having is whether our friendship has crossed a line with his added feature of a ned to sexually satisfy himself. As he says, it's not sex. Question is whether masterbation online with the opposite sex is breaking rules of a marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 I really cannot believe that someone is so naive that they have ask whether masturbating under these circumstances is acceptable within a marriage. Is it just me who is finding all this so impossible to believe? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 (edited) I really cannot believe that someone is so naive that they have ask whether masturbating under these circumstances is acceptable within a marriage. Is it just me who is finding all this so impossible to believe? It's not just you. A lot of it doesn't add up. Several questions unanswered by OP, too Edited October 25, 2014 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
Author Michigangal Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 You simply cannot be that naive. If it's so harmless, message his wife and fill her in on his "healthy" lifestyle and your role in it. His nationality has nothing to do with it. He's manipulating you into being a party to his cheating. How old are you? We would have to define what "this" is. Of course his nationality has nothing to do with it. I would never message his wife.. that would be uncalled for since he is happy and having beautiful relationship with her and his family. She would probably have him fantasizing and having a crush on a woman across the Atlantic than in the whore houses of Amsterdam. There is no cheating... ? He is a friend who has many things in common and now has made a choice to masterbate. After all, it's his choice and I don't participate. Apparently, this is an emotional affair. I'm contemplating the pros and cons. I think it might have just entered the "creepy" zone since he now says he can't live without me and needs me. Link to post Share on other sites
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