back. with an update. and a story of NC breach.

[JustJoe]

I thought about this too. The Op seem to know a lot about her ex AP's life, doesn't she?. Is she keep tabs on him? I don't think she is out of the affair fog, yet. She is still trickle truthing her H, and still is concerned more about her ex AP's feelings , than her husband's right to know the truth.

[JustJoe]

CM's or yours? Sorry but you made a (quick) decision and replied back. Shocked or not, it was wrong to do and great that you told your H but you sugar coated it. He's not a child. If he by chance finds out one his own all of the truth, he'll be more upset/pissed than if you just told him all of it from the get go.

 

Your H hopefully would stop and think too - Of course with your encouragement not to go after exCM.

Of course he would, this is why I think that the OP is using this as an excuse to deceive her husband.

[lovinDKT3]

I thought about this too. The Op seem to know a lot about her ex AP's life, doesn't she?. Is she keep tabs on him? I don't think she is out of the affair fog, yet. She is still trickle truthing her H, and still is concerned more about her ex AP's feelings , than her husband's right to know the truth.

 

 

 

I think she was refering to the fact that he was still willing to go right back to where they were two years ago. Same behavior same results, shows little growth.

[Lillyfree]

I thought about this too. The Op seem to know a lot about her ex AP's life, doesn't she?. Is she keep tabs on him? I don't think she is out of the affair fog, yet. She is still trickle truthing her H, and still is concerned more about her ex AP's feelings , than her husband's right to know the truth.

 

 

are you reading my replies? or just decided to have a go with formulaic responses?

i didn't keep tabs on CM - i didn't even know he moved to my city! i only knew what he told me in that brief conversation. which fog? whose feelings? if i were concerned about his feelings i wouldn't have blocked him again after his sob story.

 

seriously, i understand that you believe i should have told him that CM asked if we could meet - but with everything else please read what i've written first.

[whichwayisup]

are you reading my replies? or just decided to have a go with formulaic responses?

i didn't keep tabs on CM - i didn't even know he moved to my city! i only knew what he told me in that brief conversation. which fog? whose feelings? if i were concerned about his feelings i wouldn't have blocked him again after his sob story.

 

seriously, i understand that you believe i should have told him that CM asked if we could meet - but with everything else please read what i've written first.

 

So he told you he was still cheating on his gf still? I thought it was a quick exchange but seems there was a lot more details to it.

 

And your H, his anger issues haven't improved? He would go after exCM (maybe time for you to refer to him as exCM instead of CM) and risk going to jail and be charged with assault?

[JustJoe]

Look, Lilyfree, I seriously doubt that you are going to get ANY approval for your continued lying to your husband,. You seem to think that we are going to believe that you have become remorseful, when your actions prove otherwise. All of the posters here have either done what you are doing, or had it done to them. We can all identify trickle truthing, minimizing, and evasion as well as anybody. My advice would be to tell your husband the truth, right now. You will be very glad you did. And you will be very sorry if you do not.

[Lillyfree]

I think she was refering to the fact that he was still willing to go right back to where they were two years ago. Same behavior same results, shows little growth.

 

yes, i was. him offering to meet up with me, messaging alone even, shows that he'd be willing to cheat. that nothing's changed in his attitude.

[JustJoe]

So he told you he was still cheating on his gf still? I thought it was a quick exchange but seems there was a lot more details to it.

 

And your H, his anger issues haven't improved? He would go after exCM (maybe time for you to refer to him as exCM instead of CM) and risk going to jail and be charged with assault?

She won't tell her husband the truth, so why should she tell us? Edited October 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lillyfree]

So he told you he was still cheating on his gf still? I thought it was a quick exchange but seems there was a lot more details to it.

 

And your H, his anger issues haven't improved? He would go after exCM (maybe time for you to refer to him as exCM instead of CM) and risk going to jail and be charged with assault?

 

isn't exCM offering to meet up with me showing willingness to cheat? i doubt he would have brought his gf along if i'd agreed.

 

as i said, my husband isn't an aggressive person. but when i mentioned exCM he just went dark. i didn't feel that saying he's offered to meet would have gone down well.

[lovinDKT3]

What is CM?

[Lillyfree]

What is CM?

 

committed.ex ap isn't married but has a long term girlfriend, spouse.

[purplesorrow]

yes, i was. him offering to meet up with me, messaging alone even, shows that he'd be willing to cheat. that nothing's changed in his attitude.

 

If his messaging shows this, what does your willingness to respond show?

[Be_Strong]

Lillyfree,

I absolutely hate when my wife keeps something from me to "protect my feelings" or "to keep me from doing something stupid" or because "it's not important to know." It's a very disrespectful and demeaning way to treat your husband. You are treating your husband like a child and as an inferior partner in the relationship by deciding that you and you alone are the only person in the relationship that can handle the truth.

I've told my wife on multiple occasions that I've had to deal with the worst of the worst throughout this whole process, so I'm confident I can handle whatever she thinks she should hide from me. By keeping some relatively trivial detail from your husband, you are escalating something that he would have probably shrugged off into a huge deal later if the truth comes to light and he realizes you kept something from him. Any hint of dishonesty from you hurts a thousand times worse to him than learning that your exCM asked to meet up with you.

But the worst damage inflicted from keeping the whole truth from your husband is the harm it does to you. You are training your mind to think in the same manner as a person in an affair, and that habit will only build on itself and get worse over time. You need to break through that mentality and treat anything less than 100% honesty as not an option, no matter how bad the repercussions may seem.

Go to your husband and admit that you left out the part about the requested meeting and explain that you omitted it because you were trying to protect your husband but after further thought you knew he was entitled to the whole truth and you trust him that he will handle it appropriately.

[badkarma2013]

Sorry, but you can't have it both ways, after an affair, you are either honest or you are not. This is yet another example of foggy thinking. You are "supporting" your husband by lying to him. Good idea.

 

RE POST.. About Trust and the.Truth

I can agree with ...well alot of what is being said...However...im my case...Are you having an affair with your boss?....dont be silly hes just a friend...LIE

 

Who paid for your gym membership at a country club....The company did...LIE

the OM did.

 

Who paid for 2500.00 in new clothes... company expense account...LIE OM did

 

i got her phone and there was no doubt....OMg at the sorrow and anguish THEN

but all lies before...

 

when i outed him to his BW....as i have stated before...the pics he showed me from his phone of her doing sexual acts that for years SHE said was disgusting and vile...and worse...And a 1000 other lies..

so i think we all all can see the there are certain variables re truth... BUT.MOST are absolute...YOU DID THOSE THINGS WITH THE OM OR YOU DIDNT...mine did and lied

 

I agree it almost impossiable to find the EMOTIONAL TRUTH as to what they were truly THINKIng at the time or really the WHY...BUT ONE DOES WHAT ONE DOES....you did it or you didnt.....and Lillyfree thats the truth.

[Clay]

The real truth in this is she did respond. She clearly is still open to her previous behavior. Someone who actually learned and moved on from this would have never allowed the communication to take place in the first place. The second is your unwillingness to be completely honest and transparent with your husband.

 

Your proving the statement "Once a Cheater Always a Cheater".

 

The way you break away from that is either figure out what is wrong with you as a wife and a partner or divorce your husband.

 

What you don't realize is your half truth probably just set your H back completely. While he might have told you thanks for telling him the message he received is your still willing to talk to your AP therefor your still capable of cheating.

 

Recently we had another poster break NC and they are on there way to a separation.

 

Its really amazing to me everyone can clearly see the damage this does and they are still willing to destroy peoples lives for there own gain.

 

Clay

[violet1]

She blocked him. I'm not sure where everyone is getting the idea that she's going to restart the affair. Yes, she probably shouldn't have engaged in conversation, but again she blocked him and told her H about it.

 

I have mixed feelings on whether or not you should tell your H that he asked about meeting up, Lily. I do agree that it's lying by omission. However, if you're truly concerned that your H is going to hunt him down then I do understand.

 

On a lighter note, I'm happy things are going better in your M. It's such a good feeling isn't it? For me, it felt like things would never get better, but to my surprise it did. Oh...I do understand why you took a break from this place. I did for the same reasons.

[whichwayisup]

She blocked him. I'm not sure where everyone is getting the idea that she's going to restart the affair. Yes, she probably shouldn't have engaged in conversation, but again she blocked him and told her H about it.

 

I have mixed feelings on whether or not you should tell your H that he asked about meeting up, Lily. I do agree that it's lying by omission. However, if you're truly concerned that your H is going to hunt him down then I do understand.

 

On a lighter note, I'm happy things are going better in your M. It's such a good feeling isn't it? For me, it felt like things would never get better, but to my surprise it did. Oh...I do understand why you took a break from this place. I did for the same reasons.

 

Yes she blocked him, but her reaction to his contact was to not think and just reply back. They had an exchange of messages, which then she picked only part of it to tell her husband.

[violet1]

Yes she blocked him, but her reaction to his contact was to not think and just reply back. They had an exchange of messages, which then she picked only part of it to tell her husband.

Yes, I get that and I commented on it. She knows herself and her H not us. I think way too many here are so quick to jump to conclusions. I agree that she should of told her H the entire conversation, but I also understand her concerns. You are also correct that she shouldn't have conversed with the exAP, but it does NOT necessarily mean she's going to jump back into the affair.

[Be_Strong]

Yep, at a fundamental level she broke a clear rule (NC), now tries to justify it in her own mind and to others (it was no big deal because she doesn't care about exCM any longer), and wasn't 100% honest about it to her husband (purposefully omitted the part about exCM asking to meet).

 

All classic indicators that she still is thinking/behaving like a WW.

[Be_Strong]

but it does NOT necessarily mean she's going to jump back into the affair.

Oh I absolutely agree with you, and I don't think anyone is making the assertion that she will start the affair back up. The reconciliation process is not an overnight thing, and it takes a long time for the WS to recondition their thinking/behavior from how they thought/acted during the affair to how they need to now think/act post-affair. What I (and I think others here) are trying to show is that OP's latest actions and thinking are not where they should be. She needs to recognize and adjust both so that she can continue in the right direction in her marriage and reconciliation and not move backwards.

[WasOtherWoman]

 

ANYWAY... on and on he went. in the end asking me to meet up. i just laughed to myself a little. i wasn't even angry, just plain felt sorry for him. and most importantly, realised how dangerous it is to have someone on a pedestal, and how blind that fog can make us.

 

so... i said that i'm sorry, but i'm not interested. said that he should seek help for depression he thinks he's suffering. that he's got family and spouse that he should turn to... and then blocked him.

 

.

Not sure why you feel sorry for him.... sounds to me like this was simply some form of a "booty call" on his part.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I'm not suggesting anything here, but it DOES sound like your OM could use a good smack in the mouth from your hubby.

 

My wife's OM tried a couple times to extend an olive branch, and I ended that crap with a properly applied chokehold.

[LivingWaterPlease]

She blocked him. I'm not sure where everyone is getting the idea that she's going to restart the affair. Yes, she probably shouldn't have engaged in conversation, but again she blocked him and told her H about it.

 

I have mixed feelings on whether or not you should tell your H that he asked about meeting up, Lily. I do agree that it's lying by omission. However, if you're truly concerned that your H is going to hunt him down then I do understand.

 

On a lighter note, I'm happy things are going better in your M. It's such a good feeling isn't it? For me, it felt like things would never get better, but to my surprise it did. Oh...I do understand why you took a break from this place. I did for the same reasons.

 

To me the issue is not that it seems the circumstances and actions posted indicate OP's going to resume the A.

 

It seems to me the issue is that OP and H are working toward intimacy in their R and this action and the follow-up half truth/lie of omission about it to H created a psychological barrier between her and H and also has created a bond, be it ever so slight, between OP and xAP.

 

Before this, xAP and OP had no secrets from OP's H. Now they have a little secret between the two of them, whether or not it results in more contacts or not. H is the outsider in this triangle now.

 

H deserves to know as much about OP and her actions/words as xAP does, and more. OP's relationship with her H is better served by telling him the truth.

 

Before one can lie to another one first must lie to themselves. In this case the lie being,

 

"It doesn't matter. H can't handle the truth."

 

Another point I think someone else touched on is that it puts OP in a kind of arrogant position as the judge of her H and what is best for him.

 

Imho, this attitude is also apparent in the seemingly smug admission that OP "feels sorry" for xAP, to me a condescending remark.

 

OP, it seems to me that H would respect you, and you would gain respect for yourself, if you approached H and just flat out told him you'd made a big mistake and feel really bad about it (if you do feel bad, if not, don't say it) and just lay out the truth. Also, telling him you wanted to protect him but as you've thought about it, you realize it's not the right way to handle things. You could reiterate your desire to do right by him and that you know you'll make mistakes but when you realize your mistake you want to correct it asap.

 

I encourage you to tell your H the truth, not only for his benefit but also for your own as you will learn to be a person of integrity by requiring this of yourself.

[nightmare01]

In my situation - if I found out that my WW had contact with her OM.. and:

 

if she engaged and continued the chat .. or

if there were things that were said that she didn't tell me..

 

I would start the D process immediately.

 

She doesn't get to have nice warm feelings about her OM anymore. She doesn't get to have any sort of friendship with him. If the conversation went on beyond her screaming "**** you. stay out of my life forever" and ending the conversation abruptly, then the consequence is divorce.

 

She doesn't get to have little (not so) innocent secrets she keeps from me. She may tell herself that she is keeping those things from me to protect me, but that's just a lie she's telling herself. Secrets are a wedge. They force me outside of the truth. Sharing a secret with her OM will have the consequence of divorce.

 

End of story. I've been betrayed once; I refuse to betrayed again.

[TrustedthenBusted]

In my situation - if I found out that my WW had contact with her OM.. and:

 

if she engaged and continued the chat .. or

if there were things that were said that she didn't tell me..

 

I would start the D process immediately.

 

She doesn't get to have nice warm feelings about her OM anymore. She doesn't get to have any sort of friendship with him. If the conversation went on beyond her screaming "**** you. stay out of my life forever" and ending the conversation abruptly, then the consequence is divorce.

 

She doesn't get to have little (not so) innocent secrets she keeps from me. She may tell herself that she is keeping those things from me to protect me, but that's just a lie she's telling herself. Secrets are a wedge. They force me outside of the truth. Sharing a secret with her OM will have the consequence of divorce.

 

End of story. I've been betrayed once; I refuse to betrayed again.

 

 

Hear Hear!

 

 

or Here Here!

 

whichever is the correct cheer.