back. with an update. and a story of NC breach.

[Spectre]

There is no debate here, she absolutely HAS to be 100% honest with the husband. Either that or just leave the guy.

 

Either be completely honest with him or let him go find someone who will be completely honest. You don't get to cheat and then have the audacity to cherry pick which information he can or can not handle. That is not a sign of love, that is a sign of manipulation.

 

This of course ignores the fact that she should not of been in contact with the OM in the first place. Maybe it is time to let your husband find a better more honest partner?

Edited October 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[thummper]

She's handled it, blocked the guy permanently, told her husband about the contact. That should be the end of it. Why are so many on here determined to push for more drama? She's done what she feels is right, and has no interest in starting with the om again. Should be her call, not ours.

[HereNorThere]

Have you considered quitting whatever social media/instant messenger/whatever that he has communicating with you on instead of blocking him? There really is no reason to have facebook or any other type of social media that he could possibly contact you on. Your real friends will call or text you if they have would like to keep in touch.

[LivingWaterPlease]

She's handled it, blocked the guy permanently, told her husband about the contact. That should be the end of it. Why are so many on here determined to push for more drama? She's done what she feels is right, and has no interest in starting with the om again. Should be her call, not ours.

 

 

Good points that she's blocked the guy and told her husband about the contact.

 

I don't see posters pushing for more drama, though, rather it seems to me they're encouraging her to be honest thereby 1. promoting unity in her relationship with her husband and 2. building a future for herself as a person of integrity which is foundational to having a good marriage.

 

I agree that whatever she does should be her call not ours. I don't think anyone is trying to force her to do anything, rather it seems to me folks are advising her with options that will benefit her and that she may want to consider.

Edited October 24, 2014 by LivingWaterPlease

[violet1]

The issue is everyone is more on focused on her not telling her H about XAP asking to meet. Unless her H asked for every detail about the conversation, this shouldn't be a big ordeal. Her H knows there was a short conversation and the XAP is blocked. Everyone seems to have missed that she stated things are better in her M than before. Or that now the fog is clear she no longer sees him in the same light. I think that's great progress.

[anne1707]

No. The issue is not just that she failed to tell her husband that the exOM asked to see her again. It's is also that she responded to his initial contact. Not only did she not tell him to leave her alone, she asked how he was.

 

The issue is that SHE broke NC.

[LivingWaterPlease]

The issue is everyone is more on focused on her not telling her H about XAP asking to meet. Unless her H asked for every detail about the conversation, this shouldn't be a big ordeal. Her H knows there was a short conversation and the XAP is blocked. Everyone seems to have missed that she stated things are better in her M than before. Or that now the fog is clear she no longer sees him in the same light. I think that's great progress.

 

No. The issue is not just that she failed to tell her husband that the exOM asked to see her again. It's is also that she responded to his initial contact. Not only did she not tell him to leave her alone, she asked how he was.

 

The issue is that SHE broke NC.

 

It seems to me both the fact that she broke no contact and the fact that she didn't tell her H exOM asked to see her again are issues.

 

The reason that her not telling H exOM asked to see her again is an issue is exemplified by the fact that she has 1. told us OM said it and 2. also told us she felt sorry for him because of it. In other words, it's what she came away with (main issue or at least one of the main take aways) from the convo. Her mind is still processing it and it was important enough to comprise a big part of what she commented on here about the convo. If they talked for ten or fifteen minutes there were probably other things that they said to each other. But him wanting to see her again is the thing she mentioned in her post. And it's the thing she didn't mention to her H.

 

That means that she's keeping something that she has demonstrated is significant to her from her H, and in so doing intruding on their intimacy. If she had barely noticed he wanted to see her again and not even thought to mention it in her post I would view it as less significant, though I would still think she should mention it to her H.

[JustJoe]

Apparently there are more "foggy" thinkers on this thread than just the OP. This is still an ongoing affair, because 1. The OP is still in contact with the OM and 2. She is still keeping the extent of that contact a secret from her husband, thereby continuing to place her boyfriend's interests above her husband's.. Does ANYBODY truly believe that what she is doing is a positive and honest approach to reconciliation? How many posters believe that gaslighting, minimizing, and trickle truthing are indicative of a truly remorseful WS?

[violet1]

Apparently there are more "foggy" thinkers on this thread than just the OP. This is still an ongoing affair, because 1. The OP is still in contact with the OM and 2. She is still keeping the extent of that contact a secret from her husband, thereby continuing to place her boyfriend's interests above her husband's.. Does ANYBODY truly believe that what she is doing is a positive and honest approach to reconciliation? How many posters believe that gaslighting, minimizing, and trickle truthing are indicative of a truly remorseful WS?

I'm guessing the "foggy" thinking comment is referring to me. I'm not in a fog whatsoever. My R with my H is going very well. I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. I didn't take from her post that she's still in an affair at all. She mentioned that she thought the XAP was blocked and it caught her by surprise when he contacted her. She had a short conversation with him, blocked him, and then told her H about it. Yes, she didn't mention that the XAP wanted to meet, but I don't see that as a huge secret that's going to hurt their M. She might have an H like mine who doesn't need or want to know every detail of a conversation. I really think you guys are over analyzing her posts a bit much. I'm going to give this thread a rest because the arguing back and forth is pointless. Best wishes to you and your marriage OP!

[anne1707]

Violet

 

I am a fWS who even has the "pleasure" of still working with the exOM. Now I will talk to him about work issues but I never ask him a personal question. Not even one as bland as "how are you".

 

You are ignoring the fact that she should never have responded to him in the first place.

[JustJoe]

I'm guessing the "foggy" thinking comment is referring to me. I'm not in a fog whatsoever. My R with my H is going very well. I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. I didn't take from her post that she's still in an affair at all. She mentioned that she thought the XAP was blocked and it caught her by surprise when he contacted her. She had a short conversation with him, blocked him, and then told her H about it. Yes, she didn't mention that the XAP wanted to meet, but I don't see that as a huge secret that's going to hurt their M. She might have an H like mine who doesn't need or want to know every detail of a conversation. I really think you guys are over analyzing her posts a bit much. I'm going to give this thread a rest because the arguing back and forth is pointless. Best wishes to you and your marriage OP!

Apparently you don't get it , do you? After an affair, ANY secret relating to the affair or the affair partner, is a HUGE problem. Why keep deceiving, if the OP truly wants to reconcile?

[Zenstudent]

I don't get what this fuzz is about - it's just part of the manipulative and deceptive thinking that feeds affairs. Some people understand that, and some demonstrate that they don't, or that they don't care.

 

Of course it's up to OP if she wants to change her core values or not.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Wrote a long post, now deleted because I think Zen above said it best.

Edited October 25, 2014 by LivingWaterPlease

[JustJoe]

OP, as long as you believe that deceit is an acceptable alternative to honesty, your affair is still in you, and still a part of your life. You cannot change you marriage for the better , when you continue to disrespect your man.

My advice is to practice 100% transparency. Free your mind from the concept of casual dishonesty, and commit yourself to a new and better way of thinking. In other words, "free your mind and your ass will follow".

Remember, you lies will ALWAYS come back to bite your butt.

[merrmeade]

Lillyfree, I absolutely hate when my wife keeps something from me to "protect my feelings" or "to keep me from doing something stupid" or because "it's not important to know." It's a very disrespectful and demeaning way to treat your husband. You are treating your husband like a child and as an inferior partner in the relationship by deciding that you and you alone are the only person in the relationship that can handle the truth.

I've told my wife on multiple occasions that I've had to deal with the worst of the worst throughout this whole process, so I'm confident I can handle whatever she thinks she should hide from me. By keeping some relatively trivial detail from your husband, you are escalating something that he would have probably shrugged off into a huge deal later if the truth comes to light and he realizes you kept something from him. Any hint of dishonesty from you hurts a thousand times worse to him than learning that your exCM asked to meet up with you.

But the worst damage inflicted from keeping the whole truth from your husband is the harm it does to you. You are training your mind to think in the same manner as a person in an affair, and that habit will only build on itself and get worse over time. You need to break through that mentality and treat anything less than 100% honesty as not an option, no matter how bad the repercussions may seem.

Go to your husband and admit that you left out the part about the requested meeting and explain that you omitted it because you were trying to protect your husband but after further thought you knew he was entitled to the whole truth and you trust him that he will handle it appropriately.

OP, you've been nailed at the inception of a bad idea, conceived by the same kind of distorted, entitled thinking that got you into trouble in the first place (well, besides the hormones and whatever other circumstances dumped you into the A). I was about to identify and analyze all that but realized this is the one area where my H has been first class since writing his NC letter 2-1/2 years ago.

 

I have complained a lot about my H but this much he got right. With no excuses, he owns up readily to the wrong thinking and behavior that led to the As and is getting better at identifying the same thinking in the present. H exhibited all the narcissism of a serial cheater and liar — excused the cheating, justified the lying, put the affairs out of mind one after the other and hates being reminded — needing to believe he was the hero and martyr everyone else thought he was. During the past decade, however, as a result of public humiliation in his career and my discovery of the marital infidelity, he's gone through a fundamental character shift that's so far been consistent. He shows genuine humility, rarely postures, refrains from giving advice or opinion readily and admits to having "flawed judgment." This shift seems to affect all his interactions, and I'm the only one whose opinion seems to matter.

 

He is crystal clear about NC and how he would respond to contact from the AP, but we also talk about it. l just do a reality check every once in a while, asking, "So what would you do if ___ did x or y?" making up new circumstances each time. For example, a couple of weeks ago I saw he'd received a 1-minute phone call with the xOW's area code and asked him about it. He turned ashen and said he didn't know. The call was during the weekend my kids and I had been in that area. I forgot about it, but then two days later H came back to me, saying he'd traced the call to the airport from which my daughter had called him that weekend and confirmed this with a call to my daughter.

 

When I read the first post of the thread, it was glaring that OP didn't understand the ABCs of NC. Either that or she has not acknowledged the entitled, self-serving, immature thinking that allowed her to go through with an affair in the first place. Not only that, it was as if she was proud of herself, expecting LS posters to pat her on the back for her feelings and actions and even sputtered protest that they must not understand, still pround of herself for shutting the AP down all by herself. That's not NC. That's not transparency. That's not reconciling.

Edited October 25, 2014 by merrmeade

[Spectre]

She's handled it, blocked the guy permanently, told her husband about the contact. That should be the end of it. Why are so many on here determined to push for more drama? She's done what she feels is right, and has no interest in starting with the om again. Should be her call, not ours.

 

Umm..no, unless I misread, she didn't tell her husband EVERYTHING. So no, it has not been handled. Not only does it disturb me to see you say she "handled it" even though she didn't because handling it would involve 100% honesty..but someone actually *liked* your post, which means more then one person is in denial about how this sh*t works. You don't get to cherry pick info. If I missed a post with the OP saying she told everything, then I take back all I've said, but if not? Nope, she didn't handle sh*t. Who said it wasn't her call? But see, this thing is..she posted here about it, so whether or not it is her call to do the right thing..doesn't change what the right thing is, regardless of if she does it.

 

Seriously, people on here are SUPPORTING this is just insane. It might not be a big deal to you or to the OP, but you know what? She doesn't get to decide what information he does or does not get because she cheated. You get NO SECRETS. If a person who in the past cheated does not get this then they are in denial and have no respect for the person they cheated on. *Checks out those supporting not being 100% honest* ahh, what a coincidence some of these people are former cheaters, right?

Edited October 27, 2014 by Spectre

[Spectre]

I'm guessing the "foggy" thinking comment is referring to me. I'm not in a fog whatsoever. My R with my H is going very well. I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. I didn't take from her post that she's still in an affair at all. She mentioned that she thought the XAP was blocked and it caught her by surprise when he contacted her. She had a short conversation with him, blocked him, and then told her H about it. Yes, she didn't mention that the XAP wanted to meet, but I don't see that as a huge secret that's going to hurt their M. She might have an H like mine who doesn't need or want to know every detail of a conversation. I really think you guys are over analyzing her posts a bit much. I'm going to give this thread a rest because the arguing back and forth is pointless. Best wishes to you and your marriage OP!

 

So you are obviously a former cheater, do me a favor yeah? Go tell your husband you feel he doesn't deserve 100% honesty from you. After all..you'd HAVE to believe that to be saying not being 100% honest is okay. Ask your H if he is okay being with a woman who can cheat and then go online and talk about 100% honesty just isn't needed. Ask him how he feels being with someone like that. If he's not a complete putz? He will say "I'd feel like booting such a woman to the curb".

 

I'm curious to how he responds and if you truly buy the BS you are selling here you should have problem telling him all that, right?

[Lillyfree]

Lillyfree,

I absolutely hate when my wife keeps something from me to "protect my feelings" or "to keep me from doing something stupid" or because "it's not important to know." It's a very disrespectful and demeaning way to treat your husband. You are treating your husband like a child and as an inferior partner in the relationship by deciding that you and you alone are the only person in the relationship that can handle the truth.

I've told my wife on multiple occasions that I've had to deal with the worst of the worst throughout this whole process, so I'm confident I can handle whatever she thinks she should hide from me. By keeping some relatively trivial detail from your husband, you are escalating something that he would have probably shrugged off into a huge deal later if the truth comes to light and he realizes you kept something from him. Any hint of dishonesty from you hurts a thousand times worse to him than learning that your exCM asked to meet up with you.

But the worst damage inflicted from keeping the whole truth from your husband is the harm it does to you. You are training your mind to think in the same manner as a person in an affair, and that habit will only build on itself and get worse over time. You need to break through that mentality and treat anything less than 100% honesty as not an option, no matter how bad the repercussions may seem.

Go to your husband and admit that you left out the part about the requested meeting and explain that you omitted it because you were trying to protect your husband but after further thought you knew he was entitled to the whole truth and you trust him that he will handle it appropriately.

 

thank you for this.

i've spoken to my husband over the weekend. your words made me realise i'm patronising him, he's definitely not a child nor incapable or rational thinking.

he was angry about xCM's request to meet. he was angry that i thought he couldn't process that like an adult. he will not chase him down and confront him - he said he trusts that i won't speak to him again; and he views xCM as a pathetic fool and not worth worrying about anymore.

[JustJoe]

thank you for this.

i've spoken to my husband over the weekend. your words made me realise i'm patronising him, he's definitely not a child nor incapable or rational thinking.

he was angry about xCM's request to meet. he was angry that i thought he couldn't process that like an adult. he will not chase him down and confront him - he said he trusts that i won't speak to him again; and he views xCM as a pathetic fool and not worth worrying about anymore.

You did the right thing, and dodged a major bullet. So now, do as your husband asks and make sure you never have any contact with the AP again. NOT EVEN CASUAL CONTACT......NONE!

[Lillyfree]

You did the right thing, and dodged a major bullet. So now, do as your husband asks and make sure you never have any contact with the AP again. NOT EVEN CASUAL CONTACT......NONE!

 

that's pretty much what i said in the original post. i have no desire to talk to him. i have no desire to be friends, or acquaintances, or have any contact at all.

 

i'm here again, reading about people's marriages falling apart after infidelity... and i know how amazingly lucky i am that my husband didn't pack my bags and show me the door. he's the better person between the two of us. he's better than men who have hit on me knowing i'm married. he would never do that.

 

i would be a special sort of stupid to risk losing him again.

[JustJoe]

that's pretty much what i said in the original post. i have no desire to talk to him. i have no desire to be friends, or acquaintances, or have any contact at all.

 

i'm here again, reading about people's marriages falling apart after infidelity... and i know how amazingly lucky i am that my husband didn't pack my bags and show me the door. he's the better person between the two of us. he's better than men who have hit on me knowing i'm married. he would never do that.

 

i would be a special sort of stupid to risk losing him again.

Sounds good, but always remember that even in stressful situations or even if you tell yourself so, lying is NEVER an option, regardless of the rationale. Good Luck!!

[Be_Strong]

thank you for this.

i've spoken to my husband over the weekend. your words made me realise i'm patronising him, he's definitely not a child nor incapable or rational thinking.

he was angry about xCM's request to meet. he was angry that i thought he couldn't process that like an adult. he will not chase him down and confront him - he said he trusts that i won't speak to him again; and he views xCM as a pathetic fool and not worth worrying about anymore.

Lillyfree,

You did the right thing. Really glad you followed through on this. For the WW that have husbands who don't want to know all the details (and yes there are a lot of guys that don't want to know) that almost never includes current breaches of NC. But even if a BS claimed to be disinterested in that info (hard to imagine) the WS should disclose because it protects themselves from slipping back into the affair or getting in a habit of keeping secrets.

[violet1]

The point is Violet, it is HIS call to make, not yours. If FWS's would realize that , there would be a great many more reconciliations.

I never said it wasn't his call to make. What frustrates me is that people think there's only one way to reconcile. It's up to both the BS and the WS to decide what's best for their marriage.

 

My H cheated on me many years ago (we were living together, but not married) and I didn't want all the details. The fact that he was cheating was enough for me. All I needed to know was who he was cheating with and why. I didn't need to torture myself with every detail. My H felt the sane way. He didn't even want to know much about my XAP. He mainly wanted to know why I did what I did to our marriage. I have ZERO desire to have an affair again.

[Zenstudent]

I never said it wasn't his call to make. What frustrates me is that people think there's only one way to reconcile. It's up to both the BS and the WS to decide what's best for their marriage.

 

My H cheated on me many years ago (we were living together, but not married) and I didn't want all the details. The fact that he was cheating was enough for me. All I needed to know was who he was cheating with and why. I didn't need to torture myself with every detail. My H felt the sane way. He didn't even want to know much about my XAP. He mainly wanted to know why I did what I did to our marriage. I have ZERO desire to have an affair again.

You're absolutely right. There are many ways to reconcile - in fact many couples and individuals decide that habits of lying, having affairs and open marriages in different variations are paths to explore. Some may reconcile their relationship this way, many will probably fail as well.

 

What I see, is posters stating what they believe is a healthy path - what they would like to see from their spouse in order to reconcile. The problem I see in supporting lying as the path, is that the lying spouse makes the choice on behalf of his or her husband/wife without them knowing it. That's in my opinion the exact opposite of reconciliation - it's going separate ways instead. I've seen a few posters here consider that, looking back, they may have preferred not to know. But most often we see the lying partner state "my spouse prefers not to know" - you speak on their behalf, making choices for them without their knowledge.

[violet1]

You're absolutely right. There are many ways to reconcile - in fact many couples and individuals decide that habits of lying, having affairs and open marriages in different variations are paths to explore. Some may reconcile their relationship this way, many will probably fail as well.

 

What I see, is posters stating what they believe is a healthy path - what they would like to see from their spouse in order to reconcile. The problem I see in supporting lying as the path, is that the lying spouse makes the choice on behalf of his or her husband/wife without them knowing it. That's in my opinion the exact opposite of reconciliation - it's going separate ways instead. I've seen a few posters here consider that, looking back, they may have preferred not to know. But most often we see the lying partner state "my spouse prefers not to know" - you speak on their behalf, making choices for them without their knowledge.

I get what you're saying. I don't support lying. My H asked me many questions and I answered all of them. I also respected his wishes of not wanting to know every detail of my A. He got all the answers that he had questions to. If a BS wants to know every detail, conversation, place, what, where, why's in order to reconcile then that's their decision. A BS who doesn't want every detail also is entitled to their decision. This doesn't mean he or she supports lying. There's not just one healthy way.