AnnaMay Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 I have been married for 15 years and the marriage has been on the verge of divorce many times. I continue to hang in there because we have an 11 yr. old that deserves better than a divorce situation. My husband has a history of getting online, flirting, downloading pics from sites and getting suggestive with women on line. I installed spyware on the computer and found out that he has been pursueing many other women etc. He was emailing someone about meeting out of town and seeing how they could connect in person finally and all converstations are sexual. I think that he is a sexual addictI confronted him about it and instead of being apologetic, he get very angry with me about snooping in his emails. He say's that he can never trust me again what about his indiscretion? I have nothing to hide, he could look at my emails all he wants if he wanted. He has always refused to give me his password. He says that he can never trust me again!! He has no feelings of remorse or doing wrong in the first place. I wish that I could just get a divorce but I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I am very unhappy and need to find happiness again but is divorce really the answer? Do the kids become the victims of their parents problems? Did I really do such a bad thing by snooping? Link to post Share on other sites
WalkingTall Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 In my humble opinion.... First you are not wrong.... Maybe the way you went about it could be a little wrong but none the less.... this guy is cheating... and even when confronted, he just doesn't see his own deception. You need to file right away, get the divorce and move on with your life. As for the children, are they really happy seeing you so sad and miserable all the time? You need to be happy and allow them to see you happy. Only then will the product of his secrecy no longer bound you in chains. Kids eventually may resent you for staying with someone who doesn't respect you. Respect the well being of the ones you love and drop the baggage. Find someone who will treat you and your family in a manner that you deserve. I am divorced because of cheating on her part, and I have never been happier, and my son doesn't see the anguish anymore of dealing with the same thing everyday.... a bad relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 I'm a firm believer that the possibility of infidelity doesn't compromise someone's right to privacy. Yes, in my opinion, you did something that wasn't right. You invaded his privacy and read his personal email when he did not give you permission. While I disagree with your method, the fact still remains there is a problem in your marriage and he needs to take the time to discuss this. Admit that you were wrong for invading his privacy, however, don't allow him to use this error to his advantage in order to bypass any accountability on his part. He still needs to answer for his inappropriate behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 how'd you get your avatar, may i ask? and in addition, your 11-y/o also deserves better than a father who is up to something, and mother who is also nervous/anxious/worried about the father's behaviour. i say try to figure out what's going on, get at the truth, deal with it...even if it does mean divorce...but don't start thinking that way yet when there still so much to work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnnaMay Posted March 12, 2005 Author Share Posted March 12, 2005 To Girldown, I am new at this so I hope that I am replying via the right method. You can highlight/click onto anyone's avatar and same to your file and then download from your file to your profile/options. Thanks for taking the time to respond. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 hmmm, interesting. thank you. and you're welcome, i really hope it all works out. Link to post Share on other sites
Hund1976 Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 I think if you have good suspicion you kind of have to snoop. If the government gets suspicious about someone then they go and get a search warrant and then they can tap your phone, break into your house and steal your computer and read everything on your hard drive. So if John Ashcroft and Tom Ridge can snoop then so can people in relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnnaMay Posted March 14, 2005 Author Share Posted March 14, 2005 So I admitted that I snooped and confronted him with all these lies that he has told me that his emails contradict. It is amazing, what do you call someone that doesn't take any ownership of his actions any lies? No apologies from him at all, just resentment that I did what I did. I have know about his emails for about a year now and have never confronted him until this last time where I read one that was so sickening, loving etc that it made me so angry. I am just as bad being co-dependent in this relationship. I used to be much stronger and know that if this same situation happened to me before, I would have said bye, bye!! But I am in a marriage that has created a wonderful daughter that I could not hurt! I told him that I give up, I no longer want to know anything about all this as it ended up hurting me the most. Information is supposed to help a situation, this type of info just does not. I deleted the software in front of him and will be giving him all the email records. I am committed to trying to get this monkey off my back, where all the time and energy I spent monitoring his emails was causing me so much unhappiness that I didn't do much of anything but snoop. I am trying to move forward and not want him to acknowledge his lies that he had told me. I am trying to find some tools that can help me focus on the positive in my life. I went and rejoined a health club again but need some other avenues. I don't necessary want to speak with a counselor as I tried that before and it didn't help me with my issues. How do I stop wanting him to admit his indescretions? I could probably move on easier if he just admitted what he did. Instead, he is in a constant state of denial that he did anything wrong. He just doesn't get it that I would be better off if he just was honest with me which he can't seem to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Hund1976 Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 I think its best for kids to have two parents who love eachother, but I also don't think staying together for the kids sake is good. Kids will know your marriage is bad and that won't be good for them. I read someone's emails and they found out. They also totally ignored what was in all the emails and instead concentrated on how horrible it was that I spied on them. If someone won't even admit they did anything wrong then I think that's a sign you need to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 A couple of thoughts.... No, I don't think you did anything wrong. I think that in a marriage, both parties have the RIGHT to know what's going on in each other's lives. And if you've got any reason to suspect that your partner is doing something potentially harmful to you and your marriage (like infidelity), then you SHOULD find out what the truth is. I don't understand why you want to move past this. He is obviously being unfaithful to you, even if he's not consumated the act yet (and you really have no way to know if he has or hasn't). He's lying consistently to you, and apparently has little or no concern for your health, feelings, well-being. How happy do you think your kids are going to be, raised in that environment? You should take a stand, and DO something about this. Being divorced and living on your own is rough...but which is worse, that, or the emotional hell you're keeping yourself in right now? Flat out...DEMAND that he either go to counseling with you, and work on your marriage...or he get the HECK OUT! There is no room for negotiation here. He can claim that he's done nothing wrong...but you know he has. DON'T sit there and accept lies...because you already know better. Is this really the kind of marriage you want to stay in? Or do you want to insist that he either become the husband he promised you he would be? Or...would you be better off taking care of yourself and looking for the husband you REALLY deserve? Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 You know, normally, I am all about people's right to privacy. However, this is a freakin marriage. You're not just some girl that he's randomly dating. You're his wife. Right to privacy, my a$$. Sorry, but I believe that he doesn't have the right to be hiding anything from you. When you take that vow, what yours is his and what's his is yours. So sorry for him....doesn't really have any privacy. Too bad. Now I know that may sound harsh to some people, but I honestly believe that when it comes to your spouse, well, there's nothing that should be more sacred than that and there is no "privacy." He's not mad cause you looked, he's mad that he got caught. I'm sorry that he won't admit to what he's done wrong. But be sure and let him know that doesn't change the fact that he did it. Unfortunately, you can't make him admit it. You can only make decisions about your life based on what you know is the case, regardless of what he says. I wish you luck in that. Link to post Share on other sites
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