Lost and Hurting

[peaksandvalleys]

I get what most of you are saying I know my husband a great guy but he doesn't get like the other guy does anymore. We lost it and idt we can get back. We tried it for awhile and nothin happened.

 

Hubby ever find out. I'm so carful and my friend wouldn't ever tell him anything.

 

So you lost it do not believe you can get it back. Fine. Divorce. Give him the chance to get to treat someone else like the princess they deserve and someone to treat him like the great guy he is. There is no rule that you have to be married a person you are not in love with. But there should be some decency in letting that person decide if they can live with your lack of commitment and if they deserve more than you are giving. I do not understand why it is so easy to lie to someone but so hard to give them a choice.

[peaksandvalleys]

What my husband might if he ever found out idk it's not something I really wanna think about. Know one really knows how he would react that's up in the air. I can't control what he would do if he ever found what I can do is make sure he never finds out. I'm pretty sure he won't ever find out.

 

Yea we are parents but that shouldn't mean we can't go out and have fun together. I'm not saying we have to go out everyday or once a week maybe once or twice a month would be fine with me. I want him to see not just as mother but women that's his wife.

 

Days like of course it doesn't feel worth it but when I'm with BF it does. I do love my husband but more like a best friend or a brother. So I guess it's worth it for now anyway.

 

Maybe you should read my story. My husband thought I wouldn't find out. He didn't want to think about what I would do either. He nor his OW felt that their spouses had the right to make a choice. When we found out then everyone wanted to beg and plead to keep the spouses they were not in love with. You need to wake up and see that it can and will get worse the longer this goes on and the more lies you tell.

[FusionCutter]

Angelita, is this your first affair?

[lovinDKT3]

She won't wake up or understand any of this until she is left standing alone. She talks about wanting everyone happy, when in truth the only persons happiness she cares about is her own.

 

Nothing we can do to help here, she will juggle both men as long as she can, but it has nothing to do with anyone elses happiness.

[Angelita]

Truth be told I'm kind of scared of leaving. What if I do leave and I regret it for the rest of my life. At one point we both were crazy about each other. I would like us to feel that way again. On paper he's still my dream man. Works hard, doesn't have really bad habits, great father, helps around the house when he can and he really does love me.

 

What if I'm going through a phase and all I need to is get it out of my system.

 

Theirs always a chance he could find out but it's really unlikely he ever will. I'm super careful and I make sure I don't leave any loose ends. The only thing I kind of fear is on his side his wife maybe find what's been going on.

 

Yes, it's the first time I ever cheated on anyone. I was once I was the other chick with out knowing but that was in high school tho.

[FusionCutter]

She won't wake up or understand any of this until she is left standing alone. She talks about wanting everyone happy, when in truth the only persons happiness she cares about is her own.

 

Nothing we can do to help here, she will juggle both men as long as she can, but it has nothing to do with anyone elses happiness.

 

Let's try and be more positive. The very point that she is here trying to get help and that she feels guilt speaks enough that she can fix it. I'm convinced she can. Your own experience was what it was. Doesn't mean that everyone will go through the same. I believe she can fix this. I mean, during your mess with DKT3, you weren't looking for help when you were in your affair, were you? Change happened because you got busted, right?

 

That's why I asked if it was her first affair. If she's a serial cheater, then she really is a heartless soul and simply someone not even worth talking to. People make mistakes. She wants to fix it. That's the very nature of her trying to seek help.

 

Cut her some slack.

Edited October 25, 2014 by FusionCutter

[FusionCutter]

Truth be told I'm kind of scared of leaving. What if I do leave and I regret it for the rest of my life. At one point we both were crazy about each other. I would like us to feel that way again. On paper he's still my dream man. Works hard, doesn't have really bad habits, great father, helps around the house when he can and he really does love me.

 

What if I'm going through a phase and all I need to is get it out of my system.

 

Theirs always a chance he could find out but it's really unlikely he ever will. I'm super careful and I make sure I don't leave any loose ends. The only thing I kind of fear is on his side his wife maybe find what's been going on.

 

Yes, it's the first time I ever cheated on anyone. I was once I was the other chick with out knowing but that was in high school tho.

 

What you fail to see is that if you were discovered, you will also regret it for the rest of your life. You say that he's a dream man, and that he loves you. Why would you not want to honor that? Cheating is fundamentally dishonest. There's no such thing as honest cheating. The reason you don't have that intimacy with him anymore is because you are being dishonest to him.

 

I want to introduce to you two terms, emotional honesty, and emotional responsibility. When you marry someone or get in a relationship with someone, you are emotionally responsible for them. Your husband is emotionally responsible to you by being a good father and loving to you and honest and loyal. Can't you see that you were not doing the same to him? You were hurting him in the worst possible way, and you failed to see that. If you want to rebuild intimacy with your husband, you have to be emotionally honest with him. And your old days when everything was great and you both and you were crazy with each other, it was because you were fundamentally emotionally honest with each other. Don't even try to argue with me on that one. You know it's true.

 

I want to believe that you're good person. Actions speak louder than words. Don't just say that you're good person. Take action to show it. Quit your affair. It's time to face the music. If you tell me that you can't help but to keep on the affair, that's like a hungry person saying "I have to keep stealing food, I just can't help it." Or a rapist saying "I just can't help it, it feels too good." See it for what it is. Cheating is fundamentally dishonest and selfish! There is no such thing as honest and selfless cheating!

 

You have to be up to see that your own actions are disgusting and selfish. That's how you fix this. It also helps to see that your MM is a disgusting man. It sounds like your husband is a solid guy doing nothing wrong. Stop hurting him and honor him if you care about him at all. End your affairs and gain perspective on your marriage. Save it or you ditch it. Either way, continuing your affair is wrong and you know it. Stop justify your bad behavior and making excuses for this MM. It's bad enough that you're hurting an innocent man, and it's terrible that it's your life partner. Please wake up to see it for what it is.

You have to let your guilt consume you. You have to let it rip you wide-open before you can fix it.

 

Be a good woman with integrity and fix it. Because sure as hell your MM won't do the right trying to do the right thing as long as you're still sleeping with him and giving him what he wants.

 

You can only gain, from ending this affair. You don't lose anything. I hope you are able to see that.

 

Good luck. We are all here to support you. It's okay to make a mistake. It's not okay to keep making the mistake over and over and over again.

Edited October 25, 2014 by FusionCutter

[Angelita]

I don't I'm strong enough to end it anymore he's become such a big part of my life. It's not like I haven't tried to end before but I always find myself back in and deeper then before. I never left this way for another guy before we are prefect for each other. I know he feels the same. He's told hundreds of times how he wishes we could be together and how much he loves me. He really a great guy. I know he's just not using me.

 

Everything you said should make sense but I don't see it that way. I wish I could just put both guys together then everything would be prefect. Even if I really wanted to cut things off completely deep down idt want that don't how. His texts and calls are sometimes the highlight of my day.

 

I know I should hate this guy but can't help the way I feel.

[Lurkeraspect]

Since it's clear that you're not going to end the affair, why not just talk to your husband about opening the marriage? He might enjoy a side piece as well.

[beach]

Truth be told I'm kind of scared of leaving. What if I do leave and I regret it for the rest of my life. At one point we both were crazy about each other. I would like us to feel that way again. On paper he's still my dream man. Works hard, doesn't have really bad habits, great father, helps around the house when he can and he really does love me.

 

What if I'm going through a phase and all I need to is get it out of my system.

 

Theirs always a chance he could find out but it's really unlikely he ever will. I'm super careful and I make sure I don't leave any loose ends. The only thing I kind of fear is on his side his wife maybe find what's been going on.

 

Yes, it's the first time I ever cheated on anyone. I was once I was the other chick with out knowing but that was in high school tho.

 

Isn't it interesting that you fell out of love at the time you started interacting with your married OM? Have you considered that you changed in all that and not your "wonderful husband"?

 

So you changed. And you have that ability to change it back. Stop fueling the fire in the OM's direction and begin restoring the relationship with your husband. The idea there is YOU will feel connected to the man you focus all your energy on. It's up to you to participate differently.

 

If you think you need to wait until your "phase" changes - that's the wrong way to approach it - it's up to you to change it. You get out of any relationship what you put into it - that's why you are focused on your OM - because you aren't paying attention emotionally to your husband.

 

 

And if you think you won't change then set your husband free so he can find someone who treats him as kindly as he's been treating you. It's not right to hurt him the way you've been participating.

 

Are YOU willing to change it now or not?

[beach]

Even if I really wanted to cut things off completely deep down idt want that don't how.

 

 

Oh come on now, sure you know what to do to cut things off... You simply stop ALL forms of communication! Poof!!! It ends. No more ego feed and no more extra attention.

 

If you would tell your husband things would end sooner. That requires honesty and I hope you consider it. A marriage can't flourish without honesty.

 

Tell your husband you've disrespected him and the marriage. That's a good place to start.

[bathtub-row]

This is a tough one. Basically, you opened Pandora's box and now it can't be shut.

 

While I was married to my son's dad, I fell in love with another man who was married. There are only 2 men in my life that I felt this incredible connection to - he was the first one. That crazy, soulful kind of love. We talked a lot to one another for a couple of months. I recall one night this OM was still at his office talking to me over the phone. As the conversation progressed, he basically invited me to come see him. We both knew what he was talking about. I can't tell you how astounding this was because this man had the most sterling reputation you could imagine. He did not do things like that. In the end, though, I turned him down because despite all the faults of my then husband, I knew he didn't deserve to be cheated on. I never regretted that decision.

 

I eventually left my husband, and the other guy stayed married. I never left my husband with the idea that me and the OM would get together. I left because I was miserable in my marriage. My husband was very controlling to the point that I knew I would eventually fade away as a person or kill myself if I stayed with him. Despite the reasons I left - and I know they were right reasons - I still wished with all my heart that I could've kept the marriage together.

 

In your case, I don't see this problem. It sounds like what you're experiencing is just a lack of having enough fun while you were single and getting married too soon. You can't turn back the clock on this. Then you went down a path that you shouldn't have gone down by letting a man pursue you. But even if you married this other great guy, things would slow down. I'm not saying that it would be bad or anything, I'm just saying that it sounds like you're just experiencing the evolving of a marriage. Not that fun and passion should die but it's not going to be all fun and games, either.

 

I think you're doing the wrong thing by having this affair. I know it seems exciting and all but this is such a huge betrayal to your husband. I hope you'll find a way to either get out of the affair or, if your marriage is really that bad, then you should leave it. The game that you and the OM are playing could end up devastating lots of people, no matter how careful you think you are. When/if that happens, you'll forget all about the great passion with OM and, instead, will be asking yourself how you could've ever done such a thing to another human being.

 

I'm not trying to preach at you, I just want you to try to look at a possible future outcome before it actually happens. Like most things, we cannot take things back once they're done.

[FusionCutter]

I don't I'm strong enough to end it anymore he's become such a big part of my life. It's not like I haven't tried to end before but I always find myself back in and deeper then before. I never left this way for another guy before we are prefect for each other. I know he feels the same. He's told hundreds of times how he wishes we could be together and how much he loves me. He really a great guy. I know he's just not using me.

 

Everything you said should make sense but I don't see it that way. I wish I could just put both guys together then everything would be prefect. Even if I really wanted to cut things off completely deep down idt want that don't how. His texts and calls are sometimes the highlight of my day.

 

I know I should hate this guy but can't help the way I feel.

 

Everything you said here is exusing bad behavior. Your thread title is "Lost and Hurting". What are your ideas to stop feeling this way? You are feeling lost and hurt because you know it's wrong. It's simple as that.

[Cressida]

What if I do leave and I regret it for the rest of my life. On paper he's still my dream man. Works hard, doesn't have really bad habits, great father, helps around the house when he can and he really does love me.

 

What if I'm going through a phase and all I need to is get it out of my system.

 

 

Yes, it is a phase. Please yank yourself out of it.

 

You will regret it, because 'good men' are hard to find. We all know this. Why would you want to throw everything away for something you don't even have?

 

You were lucky enough to get a husband who treats you well and cares for his family. This forum is full of stories of women whose husbands treated them very badly, yet they kept the marriage and worked at it. Don't blow everything for nothing. Think about it.

 

I read on a male forum a while ago that men are less likely to leave their marriages whereas women throw everything away for 'love', ending up to regret it for the rest of their lives. Sadly, I think this could very well be your case.

 

Think about how you'll experience the lack of sparkle with any other partner, as it's natural that the whole thing fades away at some point, but you'll be throwing away a good man, destabilize a family, deprive your daughter of a loving father she adores and also destabilize yourself. Don't throw everything away on a whim, it will come back and hit you right in the face:(

[A.Moscote]

I know I should hate this guy but can't help the way I feel.

If you keep acting and conducting your life based on emotions and feelings, then this affair will go on for a very long time (if not discovered), affecting your whole life forever. Read from some members here who have gone down that road, they are terrifying.

 

It's not like I haven't tried to end before but I always find myself back in and deeper then before.

Again, quoting my earlier reply, hopefully little by little you will realize it.

Yes there are many disadvantages of doing so, but if stopping the affair is what you want, then this is one approach that can increase that chance. On the contrary, hiding it will only increase the chance of you continuing the affair again, and again, as you yourself know it.

[jellybean89]

So what it comes down to is you are enjoying having an affair with a MM (FYI, he is not your boyfriend..you are a married woman, he's your lover).

 

You have chosen to willingly engage in an affair, even though you have a spouse who loves you, and according to you, treats you like a princess. You want to go out and party but your spouse, who works hard to support his family, doesn't. He prefers to spend time at home with you & your daughter.

 

Couldn't figure out who you work with - your H or the MM. You really think your H won't find out..he won't intercept a text or a call? That is juvenile and delusional thinking. When he does find out, I hope he tells you to go be with your lover. I can't believe you are having sex with both of them. I can't believe how disrespectful you are to your H. I can't believe how you take your marriage for granted. I can't believe you use the excuse of "I can't" with regards to ending the affair.

 

I hope your spouse finds out soon so he can find a respectful, loving, faithful, trustworthy wife.

 

Lastly, please stop acting like you have no control. Doesn't matter if the MM "pursued" you,you willingly started an affair. When the MM's wife finds out, she will implode your world. Watch how fast the MM throws you under the bus and ends the affair.

[peaksandvalleys]

I don't I'm strong enough to end it anymore he's become such a big part of my life. It's not like I haven't tried to end before but I always find myself back in and deeper then before. I never left this way for another guy before we are prefect for each other. I know he feels the same. He's told hundreds of times how he wishes we could be together and how much he loves me. He really a great guy. I know he's just not using me.

 

Everything you said should make sense but I don't see it that way. I wish I could just put both guys together then everything would be prefect. Even if I really wanted to cut things off completely deep down idt want that don't how. His texts and calls are sometimes the highlight of my day.

 

I know I should hate this guy but can't help the way I feel.

 

This is a lie. You can not only help it you can control it. The truth is you do not want to. I feel sorry for your husband as I felt sorry for myself. I can't get back the years that I lived with someone who did not want me and did not give me the information so that I could be with someone who wanted me. You are stealing from that man and then say you can't help that you are stealing from him. The lies you tell yourself are just as bad as the lies you tell others.

[SoleMate]

Angelita, you DO deserve to be happy and in a great, warm, caring relationship that fulfills your need for fun etc. as you've expressed it. The sad thing is, the happiness with MM won't last. You're buying a little bit of fun now, at the price of possibly years of anguish, for you and your loved ones. Keep up this A and here is what will happen....98% certainty....

 

1) One of the BS will find out and blow the whistle on the A

2) Your H will be devastated and furious

3) The wrongness and enormity of what you've done will hit you like a ton of bricks....like a searchlight turning on, you'll see for the first time the mess you've made

4) You will be wracked by guilt. You may have trouble sleeping

5) Home life will become hell. Any previously happy moment will now be poisoned by anger, guilt, suspicion and pain. You'll look back to the simple happy days pre-D-day times with stabs of longing

6) The haven of your A will vanish in a heartbeat. Your superfun BF, the cheater, will throw you under the bus and back over your head repeatedly, then blast off at 95 mph trying to recover his marriage. You'll see a hate-filled and coldhearted side of him that will shock you. If you try to talk this out with him, you may hear some of the nastiest lies, accusations, and threats you've heard in your entire life. You'll come away feeling that he saw you and treated you as lower than pond scum

7) You'll come to desperately want your marriage and your husband back and find yourself grovelling for forgiveness

8) Whether your M lasts or implodes, it will never be the same....your life will always bear the scars of this A

 

BTW, I am NOT a betrayed wife. I know all the above because I've seen it IRL and also again and again on Loveshack

 

Please read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. Follow his advice to quit your A and get your happy marriage back. You have plenty of work to do there.

[beach]

If you had the strength to start it then you have the strength to end it.

 

You have the power, you've just chosen not to do what's necessary to make it end, yet.

[Angelita]

Cutting him out of my life isn't as simple as u guys make out to be. It's not like I haven't tried before but after a 1 or 2 days I break then we start it up again. Right now it's been the longest we gone without talking and it's killing me. Idk how long I can continue to ignore him. I know 3 days doesn't seem like a lot, for it is.

 

Idk am hurting sometimes it's cause I do feel guilt, lying to my hubby isn't something I take pride in so lying to him does hurt but it also hurts knowing the guy want to be with is someone I can't be with.

 

I thought about asking hubby about a open marriage, I know he ain't with that so I never brought it up. It could also tip him off and I def don't want that.

 

Actually my single days weren't that great and my youth wasn't that great either. It wasn't until i meet my husband then I stared living as they say. He's always been able get me to do things I wouldn't ever think about doing. That's part of the reason I fell in love in the first place. It's not like I want to go get drunk and party every weekend with him or something. I want him to want to spend time with and create new memories together he doesn't seem to want. I want us enjoy our lives again. When he asked me marry was probably one of the happiest days of my life but he's not the same guy I married anymore.

 

My affair isn't just about it being fun. It's more about the emotions I've built with the other guy. The fact that he's willing to do the things I want to do is plus.

 

One more thing I'm not some kind of party animal that's never be me believe it or that was my hubby. Yeah does work hard but so do I. I can take care of my self and my daughter if I need to.

[Lurkeraspect]

Cutting him out of my life isn't as simple as u guys make out to be. It's not like I haven't tried before but after a 1 or 2 days I break then we start it up again. Right now it's been the longest we gone without talking and it's killing me. Idk how long I can continue to ignore him. I know 3 days doesn't seem like a lot, for it is.

 

Idk am hurting sometimes it's cause I do feel guilt, lying to my hubby isn't something I take pride in so lying to him does hurt but it also hurts knowing the guy want to be with is someone I can't be with.

 

I thought about asking hubby about a open marriage, I know he ain't with that so I never brought it up. It could also tip him off and I def don't want that.

 

Actually my single days weren't that great and my youth wasn't that great either. It wasn't until i meet my husband then I stared living as they say. He's always been able get me to do things I wouldn't ever think about doing. That's part of the reason I fell in love in the first place. It's not like I want to go get drunk and party every weekend with him or something. I want him to want to spend time with and create new memories together he doesn't seem to want. I want us enjoy our lives again. When he asked me marry was probably one of the happiest days of my life but he's not the same guy I married anymore.

My affair isn't just about it being fun. It's more about the emotions I've built with the other guy. The fact that he's willing to do the things I want to do is plus.

 

One more thing I'm not some kind of party animal that's never be me believe it or that was my hubby. Yeah does work hard but so do I. I can take care of my self and my daughter if I need to.

 

Perhaps, he's exactly the same and it's you who are different. You admitted that he's a wonderful husband, treats you like a princess, great dad, provider, etc. what a shame that you're going to throw away such a wonderful man on a big maybe.

 

Who initiated the 3 day NC? What does the MOM want from this relationship? Is he talking about ending his marriage to be with you?

[FusionCutter]

Cutting him out of my life isn't as simple as u guys make out to be. It's not like I haven't tried before but after a 1 or 2 days I break then we start it up again. Right now it's been the longest we gone without talking and it's killing me. Idk how long I can continue to ignore him. I know 3 days doesn't seem like a lot, for it is.

 

Idk am hurting sometimes it's cause I do feel guilt, lying to my hubby isn't something I take pride in so lying to him does hurt but it also hurts knowing the guy want to be with is someone I can't be with.

 

I thought about asking hubby about a open marriage, I know he ain't with that so I never brought it up. It could also tip him off and I def don't want that.

 

Actually my single days weren't that great and my youth wasn't that great either. It wasn't until i meet my husband then I stared living as they say. He's always been able get me to do things I wouldn't ever think about doing. That's part of the reason I fell in love in the first place. It's not like I want to go get drunk and party every weekend with him or something. I want him to want to spend time with and create new memories together he doesn't seem to want. I want us enjoy our lives again. When he asked me marry was probably one of the happiest days of my life but he's not the same guy I married anymore.

 

My affair isn't just about it being fun. It's more about the emotions I've built with the other guy. The fact that he's willing to do the things I want to do is plus.

 

One more thing I'm not some kind of party animal that's never be me believe it or that was my hubby. Yeah does work hard but so do I. I can take care of my self and my daughter if I need to.

 

Cutting him out of your life isn't easy. But don't you see that having the affair is your cowards way out from fixing your marriage?

 

If you have the courage and strength to break from this affair, you save two lives. You save your husbands life and your MM's wife's life.

 

Why did you post in here and seek help? Listen to your inner voice. Feel your guilt. Listen to it. You know it's wrong. You're not a psychopath. Getting out involves telling yourself some white lies. While your feelings for MM may be real, try to see him as a bad person. He's inherently a bad person for doing this to an innocent woman (his wife.. his supposed rock and love of his life). If you genuinely care about MM and love him (do you love him?) then isn't the best thing for you to do is to let him go so he can go figure his life out?

 

It's merciful and compassionate and loving to let him go. It's selfish, damaging, and cruel (to yourself, to your husband, and to his wife) to continue this behavior.

 

You posted in here in this forum because deep down inside, you want to get out. Stop making excuses for yourself, and listen to your inner voice.

Edited October 26, 2014 by FusionCutter

[Angelita]

I guess I was the one initiated nc, no contact I'm guessing. I haven't talked to him since I stared posting here. He hasn't said anything leaving each other spouses. I hope doesn't idk what i would if he did. Part wonders why he hasn't left already since how bad marriage is well so he says.

 

Idk why I posted here. I guess was looking for advice on what Idk really know.

 

My mm isn't bad person. Obviously we aren't doing anything good. I think the both of us are confused and made a few bad choices. I don't think that makes bad people. I hope not anyway.

[jellybean89]

Cutting him out of my life isn't as simple as u guys make out to be. It's not like I haven't tried before but after a 1 or 2 days I break then we start it up again. Right now it's been the longest we gone without talking and it's killing me. Idk how long I can continue to ignore him. I know 3 days doesn't seem like a lot, for it is.

 

 

 

It is not "killing" you to not talk to the MM. For heaven's sake - cancer kills people. Heart attacks kill people. Not talking to the man you are having an affair with for 3 WHOLE days isn't going to kill you.

 

Can I ask how old you are? your posts scream "young" and immature and your writing is very confusing... using "idk" in almost every sentence and there are words missing from almost every sentence which leads me to believe you are in your teens.

 

Your actions are bad. Like you said, things must not be so bad at home that the cheating MM hasn't left...but then again, you are cheating and lying too and you aren't leaving home; but you also have a spouse who 'treats you like a princess' and obviously that leaves for a lot of time for you to be having an affair. Where does your H and child think you are when you are with the MM? Doesn't your H wonder why you are connected to your phone - waiting for a call/text from mm?

[beach]

I guess I was the one initiated nc, no contact I'm guessing. I haven't talked to him since I stared posting here. He hasn't said anything leaving each other spouses. I hope doesn't idk what i would if he did. Part wonders why he hasn't left already since how bad marriage is well so he says.

 

Idk why I posted here. I guess was looking for advice on what Idk really know.

 

My mm isn't bad person. Obviously we aren't doing anything good. I think the both of us are confused and made a few bad choices. I don't think that makes bad people. I hope not anyway.

 

Every person is defined by their actions. If you say you've made bad choices then doesn't that indicate bad behavior from both of you?

 

Or are you proud of your actions and willing to freely tell all your family what you've been doing?

 

It can't be both, think about it. Does that mean you're in denial and not honest with yourself about what you've been doing?