Lost and Hurting

[beach]

You could suggest a date night once a week and plan it so it's something you look forward to doing.

[Bittersweetie]

I think I have been more then clear about the way I am feeling. But maybe your right as clear. I'm going to sit with after thanksgiving and have a really serious talk about our marriage.

 

Bittersweetie, does your husband know about your affair

 

Yes. I told him after I found I had an STD, dday was almost five years ago. It was an incredibly difficult conversation, obviously, but I no longer wanted to be a person who lied, and my H deserved to know. I am fortunate that my H gave me a second chance, and we have created a new connection with healthier coping and communication skills.

 

Good luck.

[Angelita]

I tried to doing the date night in past. My husband always had an excuse as couldn't go or something about our daughter would come up. I guess it wouldn't hurt to try something again. He's really big on sports like what guy isn't. So maybe take him to game and dinner after I that could be fun.

 

If things don't start getting better then I will tell him. I kinda of want to wait tell after the holidays. It's being to scare me a bit. I don't really know what he would do if I told him. I kind hope things get better so i don't have to tell him.

 

I think I might checked out too. Idt I have anything but you never. Rather be safe than sorry.

[Lurkeraspect]

I've seen you mention a few times that you're upset that your husbands focus is all on your new daughter. He doesn't want to spend time with you, without her, etc. I think this is somewhat normal, but you make it sound like he's doing something wrong. Like he's enamored (as he should be) with your newborn daughter and you're jealous of his attentions to her. So...you seek out attention totally focused on you, to make you feel better and (by your writing here) make your husband the villain, for bonding with his new child. I get it somewhat, but barely.

 

If you want to keep your marriage and your family, you truly need to be honest with your husband. Tell him you feel neglected and left out, that you need some one on one attention. Otherwise, you're certainly headed for divorce as you are seeking out attention from other men. And it will likely continue.

 

Can you not be honest with him? Seek out some sort of compromise? If not, your marriage is doomed and you'll be searching for babysitters (as a single mom) to get the fix you so demandingly desire.

 

Also, there are millions of women out there who wished the father of their children were so enamored, and sadly aren't. You might truly have a blessing in this dad that you're choosing to overlook. Are you perhaps depressed? My kids are mostly grown, and I would have loved to have had a devoted dad to my kids.

[DKT3]

I've seen you mention a few times that you're upset that your husbands focus is all on your new daughter. He doesn't want to spend time with you, without her, etc. I think this is somewhat normal, but you make it sound like he's doing something wrong. Like he's enamored (as he should be) with your newborn daughter and you're jealous of his attentions to her. So...you seek out attention totally focused on you, to make you feel better and (by your writing here) make your husband the villain, for bonding with his new child. I get it somewhat, but barely.

 

If you want to keep your marriage and your family, you truly need to be honest with your husband. Tell him you feel neglected and left out, that you need some one on one attention. Otherwise, you're certainly headed for divorce as you are seeking out attention from other men. And it will likely continue.

 

Can you not be honest with him? Seek out some sort of compromise? If not, your marriage is doomed and you'll be searching for babysitters (as a single mom) to get the fix you so demandingly desire.

 

Also, there are millions of women out there who wished the father of their children were so enamored, and sadly aren't. You might truly have a blessing in this dad that you're choosing to overlook. Are you perhaps depressed? My kids are mostly grown, and I would have loved to have had a devoted dad to my kids.

 

Awesome post, I was thinking along those lines myself I just couldn't bring myself to post that a mother was jealous of the attention her child was getting.

 

I also know that she wants her husband to fix what she has convinced herself is the real issue in the marriage while leaving what the rest of us see as the issue in the marriage off the table.

 

This is going to go no where until she gets honest and accept the role her affair has played in the position this marriage is in. Blame blame blame and accept none.

[Survivor12]

...........

Edited December 2, 2014 by Survivor12

[Angelita]

Lurkeraspect

 

I’m not upset or jealous with the fact he likes spending time with our daughter. I love the fact he such a good father I really like that about him. What upsets me is he makes no us time, we don’t spend any time together. I don’t care what you say that’s a problem. Our daughter is a newborn either.

 

First I wasn’t only for attention in my affair but more of emotional connection. I wanted/needed someone who actually wanted to listen and talk to me.

 

I have told many times, I lost count on how many times I’ve told him we need to spend more and do more together. So he’s knows I feel neglected and alone. Sometimes I feel like he cares more about his career and job more than he does me.

 

Well if things don’t change then I will tell and confess about the affair. And see what’s happens after that. Honesty I already feel like my marriage is doomed. If I do tell him about the affair then things are going to become that much worse and I don’t believe that’s I have it in me to put the work needed to fix it.

 

You got it wrong, I love the fact he loves our daughter but I’m not happy with feeling like number 3 or 4 on his list of priorities. And yet for me he and my daughter are number one.

 

 

DKT3

 

I love it how you guys take my words and twist them like you do. I never once said I was jealous of our daughter and I AM NOT.

 

Of course I want my husband to help my fix this I can’t do it on my own I need his help.

 

You can’t blame my affair for everything that’s has happened when no one’s I even had one. The fact is the marriage was already bad before the affair. My husband has played a role in why our marriage is the way it is not just me, Marriage is 50-50. And I will say it again the affair isn’t my husband fault I never blamed him for that that was all me.

[Lurkeraspect]

"Honestly the time I spend with my hubby and daughter it's all about them."

 

"He never seems interested in doing anything together anymore it always as to be with our daughter around."

 

"He not even the same man anymore. He doesn't even act the same."

 

"My husband doesn't even want to spend any time with it always has to be with our daughter around."

 

"I tried to doing the date night in past. My husband always had an excuse as couldn't go or something about our daughter would come up."

 

 

These are all YOUR comments and the reason I wrote the post. You seem very disenchanted about your marriage once the baby was added to the dynamic. I can understand, to a point, because having a baby changes everything and probably in ways you didn't envision or bargain for. And yes, you should have alone time with your husband, of course you should, but didn't you take the easy way out by starting the affair? You so desperately wanted attention, and here comes MOM and fills the gap.

 

I really hope you can come clean with your husband and he'll be willing to work things out with you. Did you make that marriage counseling appointment?

[Lovemesomehim]

You continue to flip flop with your feelings for your husband and your MM or exmm, and I'm getting confused myself.

Believe it or not, marriages have rough patches. But..... not every married person that has experienced problems in the marriage, start up or involve themselves in an affair.

Its time for you to be honest with yourself.

[Angelita]

Idk what happened to my husband but he's completely changed on me for the better. Friday I had a GNO planed as I was getting ready he asked if he could come along. That first I was taken back but I told of yeah he could come. I called my mom and asked if she could watch our daughter. She came and picked her up. Me and my husband went out to a local club with a few of my girlfriends. My girlfriends were a little mad that a brought him with but they were more then fine with it when started buying them all drinks lol. Me and my husband had a blast the most fun we had in a long time. We danced like crazy it was just a great time. And we needed the night with some great sex. Saturday daughter wanted with my parents so we let her. We end up having that day to ourselves too. We mostly sent it at home cuddling up with each other watching and talking. We also went to dinner before picking out daughter which was really nice so we had a lot of time with each other just what I think we needed. I just it doesn't stop.

 

We had some good family time too. We went to pick out a Christmas tree on Sunday. My daughter saw that my parents had a really tree and she wanted one. It's the first really Christmas tree we have had. My daughter and me are waiting for him to get home so we can decorate it.

[DKT3]

Idk what happened to my husband but he's completely changed on me for the better. Friday I had a GNO planed as I was getting ready he asked if he could come along. That first I was taken back but I told of yeah he could come. I called my mom and asked if she could watch our daughter. She came and picked her up. Me and my husband went out to a local club with a few of my girlfriends. My girlfriends were a little mad that a brought him with but they were more then fine with it when started buying them all drinks lol. Me and my husband had a blast the most fun we had in a long time. We danced like crazy it was just a great time. And we needed the night with some great sex. Saturday daughter wanted with my parents so we let her. We end up having that day to ourselves too. We mostly sent it at home cuddling up with each other watching and talking. We also went to dinner before picking out daughter which was really nice so we had a lot of time with each other just what I think we needed. I just it doesn't stop.

 

We had some good family time too. We went to pick out a Christmas tree on Sunday. My daughter saw that my parents had a really tree and she wanted one. It's the first really Christmas tree we have had. My daughter and me are waiting for him to get home so we can decorate it.

 

 

Hmm, sudden changes don't happen for no reason. Could it be he knows? Or harboring his own guilt?

 

I hope its just that he wanted to spend some time with you. However this dosent fix the fact that you are in love with another man. And if he doesn't know, the fact your building on a bomb.

[jbrent890]

Idk what happened to my husband but he's completely changed on me for the better. Friday I had a GNO planed as I was getting ready he asked if he could come along. That first I was taken back but I told of yeah he could come. I called my mom and asked if she could watch our daughter. She came and picked her up. Me and my husband went out to a local club with a few of my girlfriends. My girlfriends were a little mad that a brought him with but they were more then fine with it when started buying them all drinks lol. Me and my husband had a blast the most fun we had in a long time. We danced like crazy it was just a great time. And we needed the night with some great sex. Saturday daughter wanted with my parents so we let her. We end up having that day to ourselves too. We mostly sent it at home cuddling up with each other watching and talking. We also went to dinner before picking out daughter which was really nice so we had a lot of time with each other just what I think we needed. I just it doesn't stop.

 

We had some good family time too. We went to pick out a Christmas tree on Sunday. My daughter saw that my parents had a really tree and she wanted one. It's the first really Christmas tree we have had. My daughter and me are waiting for him to get home so we can decorate it.

 

And this is where the years of deception start. I don't for a second believe she is going to tell her husband. If you are going to continue down this path, you better make sure there is no evidence of your affair. If you think your marriage had problems now, wait until he finds out years later that you had an affair for over a year. I must say that I feel really sorry for your husband. My wife did the same to me and I must say that it is a hell I wouldn't wish even on my worst enemy. From this point forward, your marriage will be a lie. Your husband will never love the real you, but the person you present yourself to be. Are you prepared to live like this? You can still make this right by being honest with your husband. This site is filled with stories of WSs that ended their affairs and continued to lie to their spouses. Their affairs were eventually discovered and it destroyed their marriages. Cheating is one thing, but continually lying to your partner for years so you can avoid the consequences is sick.

[jellybean89]

I love the fact he loves our daughter but I’m not happy with feeling like number 3 or 4 on his list of priorities. And yet for me he and my daughter are number one.

 

??? You claim your H is your #1 or #2 priority? How is that since you are having an affair?

[Angelita]

Idk why the sudden change. I know it's kinda of weird. I don't think he know anything about the affair yet. If he did he would have definitely have said something. He doesn't have anything to feel guilty about so I don't see that as the problems either.

 

I'm kind leading towards him just wanting to spend time with me. I hope it continues because I know the both of us had a lot of fun and I haven't felt this good about us like this in a long time. Yea I know this doesn't solve all our problems but it is a start in the right direction.

 

I haven't decided if I should or shouldn't tell my husband about the affair. Although the more I read about affair in books and other sites. It seems like telling him everything is the way to go. Almost in every book I've read all say honestly is the best way so I might tell him. And on top of that I'm starting to feel real guilty about what I have done. Whatever I decided to do its going to have to wait until the holidays are over.

 

Ok, yea during the affair maybe my husband or my family weren't my main priority during I was only thinking about myself but before I had the affair my husband was my # 1 on my list. I haven't always felt like was. I always felt I had to compete for his attention and time. I know now I should have done something about it before starting the affair.

[Georgia2014]

I don't think you feel like s**t doing this to your husband. If you did feel that way you would end the affair and confess. You are trying to sound like a innocent victim so everyone on here feels sorry for you. You need to divorce your husband so he has a chance to find an honest woman who is in love with him and that just doesn't love him. By making this post I think you just want sympathy from us. He deserves an honest, loving and loyal wife which you don't want to be.

[Angelita]

First off, the guilt is starting to bother me. I've always felt guilty for what I was doing recently it's gotten worse. The affair is over and it's been over i haven't broken NC and I plan to. The affair has been over for almost a month now.

 

I'm not trying to play the victim role and I don't see myself as the victim. Everything I have posted is true. And I do love my husband and I really care about him. I have been what a think is a good wife obviously having the affair isn't being a good wife but that's only one year. Before the affair I think even my husband would agree I was a good wife.

[FusionCutter]

First off, the guilt is starting to bother me. I've always felt guilty for what I was doing recently it's gotten worse. The affair is over and it's been over i haven't broken NC and I plan to. The affair has been over for almost a month now.

 

I'm not trying to play the victim role and I don't see myself as the victim. Everything I have posted is true. And I do love my husband and I really care about him. I have been what a think is a good wife obviously having the affair isn't being a good wife but that's only one year. Before the affair I think even my husband would agree I was a good wife.

 

Truth sets you free.

[beach]

Have you explained to your H how important it is to have fun together like you did last weekend?

 

Is it possible to agree to do that once each week?

 

 

And I think it's important to note that no contact with your OM leaves MORE room emotionally to connect with your H.

 

It's hard to keep two fires ablaze - give time, attention to one and the other starts to die out. No different in love and life. The one getting/giving tons of attention is viewed as the one that's MOST important. That's the one that grows bigger in your mind/your priority.

 

 

Stay focused on connecting with your H and see if that spark can be reignited more often.