Lost and Hurting

[FusionCutter]

Yeah it isn't easy at all. Me too during the week I felt like I was the one in control. I think it all started when i saw him it brought back all of those feelings back.

 

I won't be telling my husband or separating from my husband. I do have my issues. I didn't want to admit it but something as to be wrong I just don't know that is yet.

 

I have a lot of incentive too stop the big being I really do want to fix my marriage to what it was.

 

I haven't blocked his number but I do think that's something I shouldn't done already. I actually never saved his number I already memorized it its a pretty easy number to memorize. We also use a lot of texting apps so going to delete those. It's so hard I can't understand why I love this man so much I am literally crazy about him but I have to break is off.

 

Good job, you're doing the right thing.

[DKT3]

Yeah it isn't easy at all. Me too during the week I felt like I was the one in control. I think it all started when i saw him it brought back all of those feelings back.

 

I won't be telling my husband or separating from my husband. I do have my issues. I didn't want to admit it but something as to be wrong I just don't know that is yet.

 

I have a lot of incentive too stop the big being I really do want to fix my marriage to what it was.

 

I haven't blocked his number but I do think that's something I shouldn't done already. I actually never saved his number I already memorized it its a pretty easy number to memorize. We also use a lot of texting apps so going to delete those. It's so hard I can't understand why I love this man so much I am literally crazy about him but I have to break is off.

 

What your marriage was lead to you having an affair. If you want to fix your marriage it has to be better then it was. You simply can do that without laying all the issues on the table. I see this attempt as a waiste of time. Your going about this half assed it will result in you being firmly back in the affair.

 

The problem is you see your issues in the marriage as your husbands issue, you see the affair as your husbands fault. You are simply not accepting responsibility or holding yourself accountable. Breaking NC under this mindset will continue to happen. Why not? You will continue to find reasons to maintain contact. Oh blocking him will do you some good. So what you know his number, if he is blocked then he can't contact you, which is the point in blocking someone. Excuse, FAILED. You see what I'm gettng at?

 

The question I have is, would you leave today if MM said "I've left my wife and I want us to be together" my guess is yes. So why not leave now? Leaving your marriage shouldn't be based on a third party, or I should say staying in the marriage shouldn't be based on a third party. How do you honesty think you can fix a relationship with a man you don't want to be with? Fear shouldn't dictate your marriage. In this case it isn't a fear of losing your husband, its a fear of not having the MOM. Your husband deserves better. Either you need to do better or let him go so he can find better.

 

I know my words seem harsh, but you need to find your truth. Its just not fair to string your husband along while you wish for ways to be with the MOM.

[Poppy47]

YOu obviously aren't dead serious about it.... you will continue to fail until you are.

YOu will use every excuse in the book to contact him until you resolve to cut all ties forever. That means FOREVER.

 

Poppy

[Clay]

I won't be telling my husband or separating from my husband. I do have my issues. I didn't want to admit it but something as to be wrong I just don't know that is yet.

 

I have a lot of incentive too stop the big being I really do want to fix my marriage to what it was.

 

You don't have to tell your husband you can just do like the others have done and wait until he finds out. When that happens anything you say will be considered a lie because you never came clean on your own. You clearly are failing on handling this on your own. So its obvious you are not all that serious about dealing with this.

 

You need help. Right now your choices for help are limited. Get into counseling. Find women friends that are healthy for you to help push you in a positive direction when you are feeling weak.

 

People on these sites can tell you anything but if you refuse to do the things people are recommending then why are you here?

 

If your actually looking for help then you seriously need to consider what people are saying.

 

If your just looking to vent say so. There are plenty of cheaters on this site that can associate with your story and help you in that direction.

 

Things are not going to change unless you are willing to put in the hard work to make them change.

 

Clay

[jellybean89]

YOu obviously aren't dead serious about it.... you will continue to fail until you are.

YOu will use every excuse in the book to contact him until you resolve to cut all ties forever. That means FOREVER.

 

Poppy

 

Totally agree.

 

OP, you called him today and been texting him all day?

 

Yeah, you aren't serious. You are playing a game and it will come back to bite you.

 

NOTHING in life is free or easy. If you can't hack not engaging with a married man, then life is going to full of hard times for you...especially when your H finds out. You will have no one but yourself to blame. The mere fact that you felt you "HAD" to sit down and tell the MM you were done just shows you aren't serious. You just wanted to be in touch with him. So own it. Own the fact that you really don't want to stop the affair. Embrace being the OW and realize that one day, it can and most likely will end up being one of the worst mistakes of your life cause it can and probably will cost you your marriage and family. Especially if you have kids.

[Angelita]

DKT3

 

What my marriage has become is what lead to my affair not what it was. I know if I can get back what we had we can make this work. My husband doesn’t need to know about the affair to do that. There’s no need to hurt him and possibly break my family apart.

 

But aren’t they. The issues in the marriage belong to both of us not just me. He has to take part of the blame too it’s not all on me. Don’t blame him for the affair that’s all me, not him. I can’t understand why you keep thinking I am blaming my husband when I’m not.

 

I won’t lie I have feeling and I love my mm. That does not mean I will leave my husband and go to him. That’s not happening. In a perfect world I would love to keep both of them I know that’s not option so I choose the next best one and that’s to fix my marriage. I never said I wanted to leave my marriage. I still love still my husband I’m not all that in love with the marriage we have though.

 

 

 

Poppy

No. I’m very serious about this and I’m going to do it. All of this was a little set back it won’t happen again.

 

 

 

Clay

 

I agree I do need help. I obvious didn’t do a good job trying to need this the first time. I have a friend who I am talking to now and she’s helping get through this. I kind wanna do counseling again the only problem is its kind of expensive and its hard to find a good counselor. I have listened to most of the advice posters have given. Some of it I don’t agree but I still listened to it. Honesty I really want to move on from this and find a way to fix my marriage. I want to make changes and I already started doing some changes

 

 

 

Jellybean89

 

I was the one who called him but he stared texting me if that makes a difference.

 

I know this can get very bad if my husband ever finds out. That’s why I am trying to put an end to the affair before he can find out. I felt I at least owed him a reason why I was ending the affair. That’s why I sat down with him. I will give you that deep down I don’t want end the affair. I love my mm and I miss him but I can’t have him. The cost to be with him is too high.

 

Now for little update. I blocked the mm number and I deleted all of the messaging apps we used to contact each. So I have done that and I haven't spoken the the mm since Monday.

[FusionCutter]

Angelita, did you share many things emotionally with your MM, or was it mostly a physical affair?

[Angelita]

Well I was really emotionally involved with my mm. I shares a lot with him. It kind of stared out as emotional affair then turned physical. When it turned physical it made our bond that much stronger. I really felt like was something special to him still do. He would go out of his way to do little sweet things for me.

[FusionCutter]

Well I was really emotionally involved with my mm. I shares a lot with him. It kind of stared out as emotional affair then turned physical. When it turned physical it made our bond that much stronger. I really felt like was something special to him still do. He would go out of his way to do little sweet things for me.

 

You got really close to him because you shared a lot with him emotionally. You were emotionally honest with him and that's why the connection was built. If you want that same level of connection with your husband again, you need to be emotionally honest with him. And that means telling him. Otherwise you will only be living a lie for himself and yourself. Its also why you are hurting. People in denial often hurt themselves. Good luck.

 

Try to understand the situation that occurred that allowed you to get so close to MM, is how you even have a chance to get back close to your husband again. Otherwise you are only fooling yourself.

[aliveagain]

Well I was really emotionally involved with my mm. I shares a lot with him. It kind of stared out as emotional affair then turned physical. When it turned physical it made our bond that much stronger. I really felt like was something special to him still do. He would go out of his way to do little sweet things for me.

 

 

All of this will mean sh*t when your affair comes to light, it always does because other people know about it and you can't control other people. These excuses you keep making about why you called him bla bla bla will seem so insignificant when your husband serves you with divorce, then you will look back on this struggle that occupies so much of your thought as the stupidest thing you have ever done in your life. One day you will have to explain to your child why her family isn't like her friends family's.

 

I will bet money that you won't feel as much of a bond with O/M when his wife is out looking for you. I don't think he will go out of his way for you when he is trying to save his family.

 

This comment is not being written to attack you but to show you a very probable future reality. I was in your husbands position and I found out through a third party about my spouse's affair, discovery sure changed her reality. My point is, change your situation, get out of your marriage or get out of the affair because nothing good is going to come from your behavior. This affects all the children, relatives, friends and spouses, it is not just about the two of you yet you are making selfish decisions that will effect the rest of their lives and they don't have a say in it.

[nightmare01]

@Angelita.

Your level of self delusion is off the charts. You are feeling disconnected with your BH because you are cheating on him. Those lies that you are telling him forms a barrier between you and him and destroyed emotional intimacy.

 

You say your BH is a great guy and that you love him. BUT you are abusing him. You are abusing him both physically and mentally.

 

You are placing your BH at risk of all kinds of diseases. Oh sure, your OM tells you that he isn't having sex with anyone else.. but guess what? He's a cheater, and cheaters lie. And you don't know what his wife is doing either. So you are abusing him physically.

 

You are placing your BH at risk from a crazy AP or even a crazy AP's BW. BS are often murdered while an affair is going on.

 

You are pushing your BH away, and that will make him crazy. He may have pangs of intuition where he thinks something is going on, but will lie to himself and try to believe otherwise. You are mentally abusing him.

 

You are stealing from your marriage. You spend money on the OM that you should be spending on your BH. You spend time and emotional energy on the OM that you should be spending on your BH.

 

You are disrespecting your BH by not allowing him to know the truth of what his life is. You are in full control. Your BH is like a puppet and you are pulling his strings. This is definitely not a loving act. At best affairs are acts of extreme disregard for the BS, at worst they are acts of hatred.

 

What you are doing is awful.

[Angelita]

Ok must of you think I should tell my hubby about the affair. I can understand why you guys think that’s the best way to hand this situation. I kind of don’t agree with that. So what I decided to do is give myself till after the holidays to do anything. That’s gives me about two months. In that time I will work on my own issues and try to break free from my AP. If I can’t get my mind of the AP or if I break NC again then I will tell him everything. So yeah if I can’t put a end to the affair in next two months then I will tell my husband everything.

 

 

 

It’s only been a few days but I haven’t broken NC yet and I don’t plan too. I have also looked into counselling and I think I found a good counselor I’m going to meet her next Monday. I’m doing pretty good so far but it’s still kind of hard though. I’m trying to find ways to keep my mind off him spending time with my family seems to work we’ve started doing a little more together lately. I actually have a nice weekend planned for us.

[Clay]

I think you have a good plan and honestly I do not feel people here really listen to anything but it sounds like you are. So I commend you for that.

 

I hope you stick to it.

 

Clay

[Angelita]

Hi guys

 

 

 

So for the last few weeks I have been trying to work on my marriage. Trying to get my husband to spend more time together it hasn’t really been working. Everything seems like its getting worse. My husband doesn’t want to do anything with me or even talk to me. The only time he talks to me is when he wants sex besides that nothing. To make things worse my husband seems to have all the time in the world for his friends just the last week he went out three times and didn’t come back home till early in the morning. Every time i try bring it up it ends with us fighting. So I am feeling super lonely. I don't know what else to do I love him but I don't wanna live like this any more.

 

 

 

Although my marriage hasn’t gotten any better I still broken NC with my exmm. I have thought about reaching out to him a few times. About two weeks ago he sent me a happy B-day card with flowers I really wanted to call him after I got them but I didn’t break NC. Just sucks because my husband totally forgot about my Bday I haven’t even gotten a happy Bday or anything from him.

[anika99]

Your husband has no idea how much trouble the marriage is in. You are working on the marriage and complaining that he is not but he doesn't know how severe the problems are. This is one of the reasons telling him of the affair would be helpful information for both him and the marriage. Once he understands how broken his marriage really is he will take notice and become willing to work on himself and the marriage. Of course he may decide to just end the marriage which I'm sure you don't want but considering how dissatisfied you are ending the marriage could also be solution because something has to change.

[FusionCutter]

Your husband doesn't even know what he's trying to fix.

[DKT3]

Hi guys

 

 

 

So for the last few weeks I have been trying to work on my marriage. Trying to get my husband to spend more time together it hasn’t really been working. Everything seems like its getting worse. My husband doesn’t want to do anything with me or even talk to me. The only time he talks to me is when he wants sex besides that nothing. To make things worse my husband seems to have all the time in the world for his friends just the last week he went out three times and didn’t come back home till early in the morning. Every time i try bring it up it ends with us fighting. So I am feeling super lonely. I don't know what else to do I love him but I don't wanna live like this any more.

 

 

 

Although my marriage hasn’t gotten any better I still broken NC with my exmm. I have thought about reaching out to him a few times. About two weeks ago he sent me a happy B-day card with flowers I really wanted to call him after I got them but I didn’t break NC. Just sucks because my husband totally forgot about my Bday I haven’t even gotten a happy Bday or anything from him.

 

 

I told you this would go no where, for two reasons 1) you really do want to be with MM so there is really not much your husband could do to "make this better" your emotional connection with another man will assure that. 2) your not adressing the MAJOR issue in your marriage which is your affair and said emotional connection. In a way your wanting your husband to "win" you back, the problem is he doesn't know he is fighting for you or just how dire the situation is.

 

Change the dynamic, give your marriage a true shot, you can't do this without facing the issues, all of them. Stay on this path will end in divorce 100% no doubt.

[FusionCutter]

I told you this would go no where, for two reasons 1) you really do want to be with MM so there is really not much your husband could do to "make this better" your emotional connection with another man will assure that. 2) your not adressing the MAJOR issue in your marriage which is your affair and said emotional connection. In a way your wanting your husband to "win" you back, the problem is he doesn't know he is fighting for you or just how dire the situation is.

 

Change the dynamic, give your marriage a true shot, you can't do this without facing the issues, all of them. Stay on this path will end in divorce 100% no doubt.

 

Well it could simply lead to an emotionally disconnected marriage for the rest of her life,not necessarily a divorce. A lot of couples live life like this.

[bathtub-row]

Your husband doesn't even know what he's trying to fix.

 

Maybe he doesn't but surely he's bright enough to know that forgetting his wife's birthday and staying out until all hours of the night is not exactly great behavior. My guess is that he's having an affair.

 

OP, you and your husband need to have a very serious talk about either fixing this broken relationship or ending it.

[jbrent890]

Your husband is fighting a battle that he doesn't even know that is going on. As it stands, you are setting him up to fail. I agree that this is the worst time in the year to reveal anything. However, I think you should start the new year with some honesty and hopefully a new marriage. I can promise you this, if you keep going down the route you are going, nothing will change. You will more than likely fall back into your affair and run the risk of your husband finding out.

[Angelita]

I have told my husband plenty of times that marriage isn't that great and that I am very unhappy. So he knows the marriage is broken. He doesn't want to put the effort in and help me fix it. I don't think we need that much work to fix it either. I think if he would spend more with and if we talk a little more we both can have happy marriage.

 

I said it once and I will say it again I DO NOT WANT MY EXMM. I choose my husband he's the one I want to be with. Yes I still have an emotional connection to my exmm but I am trying to break it.

 

I can't believe telling him about the affair is going to make him want to fix the marriage I can see it doing the exact opposite.

 

It's not like I am asking my husband to jump through rings of fire or anything crazy. I just want us to spend a night alone just us or go on a nice date. I'm not asking for the moon.

 

My husband and I are already emotionally disconnected from each other.

 

I agree forgetting my bday is not cool and it's pretty messed up but in his defense he doesn't think birthday are that big of a deal. We got into tonight about him going out. He wanted to go out again tonight and I asked him if I could go with him and I would find a babysitter my sister was going to do it. For whatever reason he didn't want me to go and stared calling me controlling for not letting him go.

 

Idt he's having an affair but who knows its just unlikely. Yeah we do need to have a serious talk about going to happen in this marriage.

[FusionCutter]

I have told my husband plenty of times that marriage isn't that great and that I am very unhappy. So he knows the marriage is broken. He doesn't want to put the effort in and help me fix it. I don't think we need that much work to fix it either. I think if he would spend more with and if we talk a little more we both can have happy marriage.

 

I said it once and I will say it again I DO NOT WANT MY EXMM. I choose my husband he's the one I want to be with. Yes I still have an emotional connection to my exmm but I am trying to break it.

 

I can't believe telling him about the affair is going to make him want to fix the marriage I can see it doing the exact opposite.

 

It's not like I am asking my husband to jump through rings of fire or anything crazy. I just want us to spend a night alone just us or go on a nice date. I'm not asking for the moon.

 

My husband and I are already emotionally disconnected from each other.

 

I agree forgetting my bday is not cool and it's pretty messed up but in his defense he doesn't think birthday are that big of a deal. We got into tonight about him going out. He wanted to go out again tonight and I asked him if I could go with him and I would find a babysitter my sister was going to do it. For whatever reason he didn't want me to go and stared calling me controlling for not letting him go.

 

Idt he's having an affair but who knows its just unlikely. Yeah we do need to have a serious talk about going to happen in this marriage.

 

Having a serious talk means being honest. You aren't honest to him nor to yourself. You are living a lie each day.

[DKT3]

I have told my husband plenty of times that marriage isn't that great and that I am very unhappy. So he knows the marriage is broken. He doesn't want to put the effort in and help me fix it. I don't think we need that much work to fix it either. I think if he would spend more with and if we talk a little more we both can have happy marriage.

 

I said it once and I will say it again I DO NOT WANT MY EXMM. I choose my husband he's the one I want to be with. Yes I still have an emotional connection to my exmm but I am trying to break it.

 

I can't believe telling him about the affair is going to make him want to fix the marriage I can see it doing the exact opposite.

 

It's not like I am asking my husband to jump through rings of fire or anything crazy. I just want us to spend a night alone just us or go on a nice date. I'm not asking for the moon.

 

My husband and I are already emotionally disconnected from each other.

 

I agree forgetting my bday is not cool and it's pretty messed up but in his defense he doesn't think birthday are that big of a deal. We got into tonight about him going out. He wanted to go out again tonight and I asked him if I could go with him and I would find a babysitter my sister was going to do it. For whatever reason he didn't want me to go and stared calling me controlling for not letting him go.

 

Idt he's having an affair but who knows its just unlikely. Yeah we do need to have a serious talk about going to happen in this marriage.

 

I'm not looking to beat you up here, but your own words in this very thread "I'm not in love with my husband" "my feelings are so intense for MOM, I can't give him up" "if my husband found out I don't know what I would do, I don't know what I want" that doesn't sound like you don't want MOM to me. It sounds like you, somewhere along the line understood that its really not an options.

 

You say you've had these conversations with hubby, yet you say he is happy. How could be be happy knowing your so unhappy?

 

A word of advise, your affair has had a negative impact on your marriage. You pulled away emotionally from your husband as you attached to MOM. Your ego and need to justify your affair won't allow you to neither admit or except that it has. Also true to form you find it hard to believe that your husband would be involved in an affair (very common with wayward wives) because your so much more sexually desirable, in your mind.

 

Listen, I know your scared but you can't fix this by doing the things you've been doing. Your husband could take you on dates everyday of the week for a month and you would still have an emotional connection with another man, so really what would that fix?

[Bittersweetie]

I have told my husband plenty of times that marriage isn't that great and that I am very unhappy.

 

I'm a fWW. Before my A, I told my H how I unhappy I was. How he worked too much and spent too much time online, etc. Nothing would change. I then rewrote those talks and actions into he ignored me. He didn't love me. He was disconnected from me. Thus justifying me looking for something from someone else and having an affair.

 

Now, I see that when I talked to my H, I didn't make myself crystal clear. I didn't tell him how serious I was, I didn't stand up for myself and our relationship. I thought just mentioning things would be enough. But it wasn't. Now, when we have something serious to bring to the table, we say "This is serious." And put down the phones and laptops and iPads etc.

 

I don't know if this is the case for you, but I just wanted to share my own experience. It's easy in a marriage to sometimes half-listen to your spouse, especially when you're already somewhat disconnected. And then miss the big stuff.

 

Good luck, BSW

[Angelita]

I still have strong feelings for my exmom Idk if I truly love him. Most people on this site believe people who are involved in affairs are never really in love. The guy I want to continue to build a life with isn't him that's my husband. My husband is the one I want to be with. I never planned to leave my marriage it was never really an option.

 

I understand during the affair I could have disconnected myself from my husband. But we we're already drifting apart. My husband could be having I know if he wanted to he wouldn't have a problem having a willing partner.

 

I think if my husband would actually want to take me out that would be a start and yes I do think it would help me start to forget about my exmom. It could help us build a connection again. Telling him won't make me forget about my exmm and it won't break that connection either.

 

I think I have been more then clear about the way I am feeling. But maybe your right as clear. I'm going to sit with after thanksgiving and have a really serious talk about our marriage.

 

Bittersweetie, does your husband know about your affair