How should I pursue this girl?

[BlueIris]

Outside of dancing, I've already put my arm around and hugged lunch girl a few times. Before things went south with busy girl I'm sure I could have hugged her if I tried, of course they would just be friendly hugs. For some reason I felt that lunch girl wanted to be more than friends with me when I hugged her. The only way to find out though is if she contacts me. If she doesn't, then I'll know I was mistaken.

 

The misunderstanding arose because you said that you hugged her, and you referenced your "trying." It did not sound as though she initiated the physical contact. I don't think TFY was being silly for drawing the conclusion that you were initiating physical contact with women. I drew the same conclusion because that's what you said.

[somedude81]

The misunderstanding arose because you said that you hugged her, and you referenced your "trying." It did not sound as though she initiated the physical contact. I don't think TFY was being silly for drawing the conclusion that you were initiating physical contact with women. I drew the same conclusion because that's what you said.

 

I said "Before things went south with busy girl I'm sure I could have hugged her if I tried"

 

Trying to me with a new girl is making the universal hug me gesture and waiting for her come to me. Though as I said, I didn't even try to hug her.

 

Also, she thought we were just friends so most likely she would have had no issue giving me a hug, as it would just be friendly in her mind. If I did try to hug her, she wouldn't have been scared.

[preraph]

SD, I know depression can and often does make you isolate, so I'm just curious. Remembering back to before you were depressed, did you spend time with friends then? Is it related to your depression that you aren't into friends that much? And how long have you been depressed? Just since the breakup or were you always falling into it before? I'm sorry if it's too personal. I just got curious about how long and if it had to do with not being interested in general socializing.

[somedude81]

SD, I know depression can and often does make you isolate, so I'm just curious. Remembering back to before you were depressed, did you spend time with friends then? Is it related to your depression that you aren't into friends that much? And how long have you been depressed? Just since the breakup or were you always falling into it before? I'm sorry if it's too personal. I just got curious about how long and if it had to do with not being interested in general socializing.

 

Depression for me goes as far back as 13, possibly earlier. It's definitely been a life long thing.

 

So yes, I have had friends while depressed. Being with friends was an OK distraction. Though they did get tired at times of me moping around. Eventually I realized that having guy friends wasn't what I needed to get over my depression.

 

The only thing that removed my feelings of depression was having a GF.

 

So in other words, here I am being depressed for most of my entire life not really knowing why, and then finally I find something that causes my depression to go away and I feel good, life is great. And then that thing goes away and I'm depressed again.

 

Now I know what I need in my life to feel happy.

 

Love.

[Million.to.1]

One woman can't heal your depression though. They are people - they can always leave. That will leave you in a constant state of flux and anxiety. That's no way to be. A girlfriend is a bandaid, not a cure.

 

You might look at the world differently, but that doesn't mean you aren't seeking the wrong kind of treatment for your depression.

 

But don't you see? When she left it all came back. She WAS the bandaid ThaWholigan is saying, not the cure.

 

Your issues did not GO AWAY. You were just distracted. And it was the core reason Your ex GF left you. You liked her more than she liked you. You needed her to be normal.

 

.....So if all you need is a GF to make all your issues go away, and your check list is cute and nice, why don't you just get a mail-order bride?

 

 

 

...from a few pages back.

 

ignore it all you want SD...it doesn't stop it being true.

[somedude81]

I'm not going to talk about why my ex left me anymore. That was 11 months ago.

[rester]

Serious question: What, aside from "love", makes you happy?

 

There's got to me something, anything, that makes you happy without the need for "love". Dancing, surfing, guitar, video games?

 

For me, it's my band and being in the outdoors. I could be in the backcountry for ten days alone and be happy as a clam the entire time. Playing in the band is a blast. Being around friends makes me happy. Being accomplished at work makes me happy. Exercise makes me happy. For you, it's probably much different things, but there's got to be something.

 

I go through periods of loneliness and isolation but I work to get myself out of it. I know depression is a tough thing, but what do you do for yourself to lift you up? Going after girls doesn't seem to help your confidence or your depression at all. So why not take a break and focus on something else?

 

Do something that DOES give you confidence. Dancing sounds like it does, but you only look at dancing as a way to meet girls.

 

What do you do on a weekly basis that lifts your confidence? Sure, you can be happiest while being in love, but ultimately, you can't count on anyone else for your happiness. Guess you don't need to hear that for the hundredth time, though.

[clia]

I think you should go over to Meetup.com, type in your location and the search term "singles," and find a Halloween party to go to this weekend. It will get your mind off this, and maybe you will meet someone (or someones).

[thefooloftheyear]

The misunderstanding arose because you said that you hugged her, and you referenced your "trying." It did not sound as though she initiated the physical contact. I don't think TFY was being silly for drawing the conclusion that you were initiating physical contact with women. I drew the same conclusion because that's what you said.

 

 

Yep.....

 

OK, so you had physical contact...I still think its somewhat odd...I have been with lots of women...I dont have physical contact with any of them unless its gone to the next level...

 

Now I dont know the context of these encounters...Its just nothing Id ever do as a man to a relative stranger...And they wouldnt ever initiate that with me..

 

So, maybe you are immediately being viewed as someone on the level of a gay guy bff or something?? Dont take it as a knock...I know you arent gay, but I just dont know how these girls are viewing this type of contact...If anything maybe its something you need to avoid, but I dunno...

 

Help me out here, ladies...

 

TFY

[preraph]

SD, it does sound like you've had chronic depression as long as you've had hormones. I guess the very best thing is continuing therapy and letting your doctor know if a drug is or isn't working. There are so many wonderful antidepressants now, all kinds, that work wonders for people. I really hope you get some relief from those while you work your way through it. You certainly aren't nonfunctioning like a severe depressive person would be but inside you're very depressed, and I just hope your doctor knows how severe it is despite you functioning on the outside.

 

When I was depressed, except for right at first, all I COULD do was work, so I was functioning and no one understood, not even the doctor, how severe it was inside because I'm a strong person and wasn't visible cracked, you know, so I went years without any medication that could have snapped me out of it. I actually by accident discovered that when I had to take a short course of an old-school psychotropic drug called amitriptyline to control nerve pain in my leg from an injury. I realized three weeks into it I was humming for the first time in several years. Later, I was really mad that despite me telling various people and docs how depressed I was, that no one even tried to relieve me with antidepressants. So be sure you verbalize everything and don't assume anyone can tell. If you feel a therapist is missing something, keep telling them about it or that you have repetitive thoughts or whatever.

[BlueIris]

Yep.....

 

OK, so you had physical contact...I still think its somewhat odd...I have been with lots of women...I dont have physical contact with any of them unless its gone to the next level...

 

Now I dont know the context of these encounters...Its just nothing Id ever do as a man to a relative stranger...And they wouldnt ever initiate that with me..

 

So, maybe you are immediately being viewed as someone on the level of a gay guy bff or something?? Dont take it as a knock...I know you arent gay, but I just dont know how these girls are viewing this type of contact...If anything maybe its something you need to avoid, but I dunno...

 

Help me out here, ladies...

 

TFY

 

This thread has been eye-opening, for me.

 

The social convention where I live and have lived is that people do not hug or touch other people unless they’re in a close relationship or are romantic/sexually linked. Exception: shaking hands. Men will shake hands and will hug family members and dear old friends they haven’t seen for a while. The handshake/ half hug occurs with greater familiarity, NOT with acquaintances.

 

SD, I think you understand social convention much better than you admit. It’s telling that you laughed off a reasonable conclusion that a rather direct assertive male LS member drew; you’ve declined to meet other more direct and assertive men from LS who have offered to help; you do not even approach Busy Girl when she is with another guy, much less try to hug her; you’re adamant that people in real life can’t tell how you think or your motivations. I just don’t think that depression is the issue here.

 

Bottom line: Don't hug or try to hug acquaintances.

[somedude81]

I've only hugged one girl this year and she initiated it. I don't have a clue what was on her mind when she did it. There was no way I was going to reject her hug.

[clia]

Yep.....

 

OK, so you had physical contact...I still think its somewhat odd...I have been with lots of women...I dont have physical contact with any of them unless its gone to the next level...

 

Now I dont know the context of these encounters...Its just nothing Id ever do as a man to a relative stranger...And they wouldnt ever initiate that with me..

 

So, maybe you are immediately being viewed as someone on the level of a gay guy bff or something?? Dont take it as a knock...I know you arent gay, but I just dont know how these girls are viewing this type of contact...If anything maybe its something you need to avoid, but I dunno...

 

Help me out here, ladies...

 

TFY

 

These girls aren't strangers to SD, though. They are in his class and he has talked to them on a friendly basis.

 

I hug male friends. I hug acquaintances in greeting at times. I also have hugged male co-workers on occasion. I don't think there is anything weird about it. Some people are huggers.

[CrystalCastles]

These girls aren't strangers to SD, though. They are in his class and he has talked to them on a friendly basis.

 

I hug male friends. I hug acquaintances in greeting at times. I also have hugged male co-workers on occasion. I don't think there is anything weird about it. Some people are huggers.

 

Me too, I don't think its weird either. I hug male friends too. Nothing weird about that, and there's certainly nothing sexual.

 

Hug away, SD!

[Robert]

Let's keep the posts on topic and leave the insulting posts at the door, thanks

[somedude81]

Well it's Saturday night and as I had suspected, Lunch Girl didn't contact me. That's a shame.

 

I wonder what happened with her? I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but things moved very quickly with her. One day during Salsa she randomly shows up in my class. She tells me that she's from another class making up an absence. The next week for the hell of it I go to class hoping that she'll be there. My only goal for that day was to talk to her for a bit and see if there is any sort of connection, and then somehow we end up having lunch together, and I pay for her sandwich. During lunch I get her number and we make plans to go dancing on a coming Monday night.

 

During the weekend she cancels the plans to go out saying she has to study. On Monday she showed up at my class again and we talk for about 15 minutes. Tuesday I went to her class some again we talked and then walked together once class was over. That's when I tried to make plans with her for this weekend. She seemed to be pretty busy and not too excited into making plans, so I'm not surprised that she didn't contact me. I wonder if she just then figured out that I was interested? Also there is a chance that I may have been trying to move too fast for her. We've only known each other for two weeks.

[SycamoreCircle]

I would continue to put yourself in her sight line but hang back a bit. You don't know her situation. Some women have lists and you could be at number 5 right now. Maybe the other day you occupied spot 7. There's just no telling. I think a little bit of patience will make things clearer. Also, are there any other women in the class you might strike up a conversation with?

[thefooloftheyear]

You didnt really do anything wrong or move too fast...She isnt interested...Period..There are so many stop signs here....

 

Just move on...She is only a face in the crowd to you as you dont have any real connection to her....So you "lost " nothing...You never had anything to lose...

 

In fact, however unlikely, the only way she will contact you at this point is if she sees you attracting attention from other women..Its funny how that is...

 

TFY

[Cristo]

Probably should just move on to new girls. The holidays are coming quickly and you don't have much time (maybe 4 weeks of the semester left). Better talk to new girls before it's too late!

[somedude81]

You didnt really do anything wrong or move too fast...She isnt interested...Period..There are so many stop signs here....

 

Just move on...She is only a face in the crowd to you as you dont have any real connection to her....So you "lost " nothing...You never had anything to lose...

 

In fact, however unlikely, the only way she will contact you at this point is if she sees you attracting attention from other women..Its funny how that is...

 

TFY

 

What were the stop signs that I missed?

 

The only thing I lost with her was the potential. She was a girl that I met and clicked with very quickly, it actually surprised me how quickly things progressed with her.

 

The last part about attracting attention from other women is an interesting concept that I'll write about in a bit.

[preraph]

I thought everything went okay with lunch girl. I mean, they did have lunch. It's just that not everyone you start getting to know feels you're the right person. I mean, there are so many variables. It could be anything. She obviously doesn't dislike you. I guess there just wasn't a spark for you. But keep being friendly acquaintances with her and maybe one of her friends will like you. She might already have a crush on someone. I know at her age, I always had my eye on someone and had trouble thinking about other people. I was too immature to realize I needed to get to know them better before deciding who I liked better and would compare a new interest to an old crush who likely wasn't paying me any mind and eliminate the new one based on shallow stuff. That young age, people just don't always have much discernment.

 

I think you should be encouraged that Lunch Girl went as well as it did. It was a new acquaintance that might lead to meeting more girls.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

Just move on...She is only a face in the crowd to you as you dont have any real connection to her....So you "lost " nothing...You never had anything to lose...

 

 

I have found this attitude is best when it comes to women.

 

Just move on and they are just another nameless face in the crowd. The last time I asked out a woman, she told me in the beginning and I literally didn't even remember her name.

 

Rejection becomes just a thing that happens.

 

When I have gotten women, it happens pretty bang-bang. So, you really shouldn't have to put in much time or effort. Women like what they like and you'll know pretty fast. And if she wants you to work for it, her loss.

 

Just one guy's opinion.

[somedude81]

I thought everything went okay with lunch girl. I mean, they did have lunch. It's just that not everyone you start getting to know feels you're the right person. I mean, there are so many variables. It could be anything. She obviously doesn't dislike you. I guess there just wasn't a spark for you. But keep being friendly acquaintances with her and maybe one of her friends will like you. She might already have a crush on someone. I know at her age, I always had my eye on someone and had trouble thinking about other people. I was too immature to realize I needed to get to know them better before deciding who I liked better and would compare a new interest to an old crush who likely wasn't paying me any mind and eliminate the new one based on shallow stuff. That young age, people just don't always have much discernment.

 

I think you should be encouraged that Lunch Girl went as well as it did. It was a new acquaintance that might lead to meeting more girls.

 

I did get some encouragement that things went well with her up to that point. That fact that I had lunch with a girl I've only talked to two times was pretty much unheard of for me. Usually I move much slower with girls.

 

No, she doesn't dislike me, though that's not really my problem with women.

 

I may still be friendly with her, but I don't like the idea of spending time with her and maybe her friends will like me. That's a really odd thought.

[organizedchaos]

I did get some encouragement that things went well with her up to that point. That fact that I had lunch with a girl I've only talked to two times was pretty much unheard of for me. Usually I move much slower with girls.

 

No, she doesn't dislike me, though that's not really my problem with women.

 

I may still be friendly with her, but I don't like the idea of spending time with her and maybe her friends will like me. That's a really odd thought.

 

Because why?

[somedude81]

One other thing that I wanted to mention is that I'm starting to make a new lady friend. She's in my math class and in my dance class as well. We talk regularly and have gotten closer because we are also working on a group project together.

 

One day in math she asked me why I didn't go to dance class that day. I told her that there was a little bit of drama in the class and I didn't want to make things awkward. She sarcastically said, "Drama in social dance?" I said that there was a girl in the class that things are complicated with, busy girl. She replied, "Who, the tall blonde.... or the short girl?" I asked her how she knew it was the short girl and she said that "you guys talk a lot." Interesting how she picked that up. Then she asked if I was trying to get with her. Class started and we didn't talk anymore.

 

I saw her again on Friday as we were working on our project and we talked a lot about random stuff. When we finished our project we were walking together and she said, "So tell me why you didn't go to class. What's up with that girl?"

 

I told her that I was interested in that girl and that I was trying to get her to go out with her but busy girl told me that she just saw me as a friend. She asked what else busy girl said and I replied that when I asked if she had a boyfriend busy girl said that she doesn't have one and doesn't have time to date. My friend said "Oh, well that could mean that she's just really busy right now. Or it's a very polite way to reject you. Then she said that she's also used that line on a guy she wasn't interested in.

 

She actually suggested that I keep talking to busy girl but don't try to make plans with her anymore and don't talk to her like a girl would, such as asking how her day was or what she did on the weekend. She ended up driving me to my car since I parked really far away.

 

This girl is pretty nice and she's fun to talk to and she could be a nice friend to have. Unfortunately she's fairly attractive and single. I'd definitely jump on the chance to do anything with her, so I don't know if I should pursue a friendship.