How should I pursue this girl?

[GemmaUK]

I haven't had a real hug from a woman in a LONG time. So to get two of them from the same woman in a day really said something to me. And the second hug was much more real.

 

BTW, I'm talking about not being able to go dancing tonight which would take several hours and not about not going to the class when she's already on campus.

 

Yes, I should not get my hopes up. I've already had one girl absolutely crush me, I don't want to get hurt again. But it's so hard not to get excited.

 

Ultimately, you are the one receiving and reading the signals she is giving so if what you are seeing is good then all is good.

 

If you find that you are reading the signals wrongly then do read up on body language. I suggested it a while back and many others have also.

 

Good luck and enjoy your lunch tomorrow!

[organizedchaos]

I haven't had a real hug from a woman in a LONG time. So to get two of them from the same woman in a day really said something to me. And the second hug was much more real.

 

BTW, I'm talking about not being able to go dancing tonight which would take several hours and not about not going to the class when she's already on campus.

 

Yes, I should not get my hopes up. I've already had one girl absolutely crush me, I don't want to get hurt again. But it's so hard not to get excited.

 

She didn't crush you or hurt you. YOU let yourself get hurt.

[somedude81]

Ultimately, you are the one receiving and reading the signals she is giving so if what you are seeing is good then all is good.

 

If you find that you are reading the signals wrongly then do read up on body language. I suggested it a while back and many others have also.

 

Good luck and enjoy your lunch tomorrow!

 

Thanks

 

The whole body language thing between interested and friendly is far too subtle for me to tell, and I have red a lot of material on the subject. In my experience women just don't give me the overt signs of interest.

 

When I see her next should I try to make a real date with her?

 

I'm afraid of moving too fast and scaring her away.

[Weezy1973]

Thanks

 

The whole body language thing between interested and friendly is far too subtle for me to tell, and I have red a lot of material on the subject. In my experience women just don't give me the overt signs of interest.

 

When I see her next should I try to make a real date with her?

 

I'm afraid of moving too fast and scaring her away.

 

In my mind the answer is yes. As soon as you find yourself crushing on someone (or as soon as possible) ask them out on a date. And don't make it ambiguous - I usually say quite obviously "Would you like to go on a date with me sometime?". It's not the least bit subtle, or charming for that matter (but charm isn't something I bring to the table), but it leaves no room for ambiguity (which is something you complain about). It does leave you open to blatant rejection however - which in my mind is good as it lets you move on quickly.

[Anela]

 

A little off topic but it's now 100% obvious that I have no chance with busy girl. She left with the same guy again and completely ignored me when I was trying to walk and talk with her. She was being rude and disrespectful to me. This is probably her method of trying to get me to leave her alone. It sucks but that's life.

 

Hopefully I can get things started with this girl and not care about busy girl anymore.

 

Did you try to walk and talk with her, when she was walking with the other guy? If so, that would be rude of you.

[somedude81]

In my mind the answer is yes. As soon as you find yourself crushing on someone (or as soon as possible) ask them out on a date. And don't make it ambiguous - I usually say quite obviously "Would you like to go on a date with me sometime?". It's not the least bit subtle, or charming for that matter (but charm isn't something I bring to the table), but it leaves no room for ambiguity (which is something you complain about). It does leave you open to blatant rejection however - which in my mind is good as it lets you move on quickly.

 

I can start to crush on girls very quickly, and I doubt that they would crush on me as fast.

 

Because of what I just went through I don't want this girl to give me a blatant rejection right now. I need to maintain some hope.

 

Did you try to walk and talk with her, when she was walking with the other guy? If so, that would be rude of you.

 

[xxoo]

I can start to crush on girls very quickly, and I doubt that they would crush on me as fast.

 

Because of what I just went through I don't want this girl to give me a blatant rejection right now. I need to maintain some hope.

 

 

 

 

So now you prefer indirect responses?

[somedude81]

So now you prefer indirect responses?

 

Because of what I just went through, I temporarily don't want a solid no. I could also just try to make plans with her and not use the word date.

 

Honestly though, what I'd like now is some advice on this girl and not to talk about my beliefs. That's how threads explode and nothing is actually gained.

[xxoo]

Because of what I just went through, I temporarily don't want a solid no. I could also just try to make plans with her and not use the word date.

 

Honestly though, what I'd like now is some advice on this girl and not to talk about my beliefs. That's how threads explode and nothing is actually gained.

 

If you want to know if she's interested, ask her out. Directly.

 

If you want to enjoy the fantasy of her interested as long as possible, be vague and ask her to things she would do anyway, and see if she'll be willing to do them with you. But keep in mind that she may just be being nice.

[somedude81]

If you want to know if she's interested, ask her out. Directly.

 

If you want to enjoy the fantasy of her interested as long as possible, be vague and ask her to things she would do anyway, and see if she'll be willing to do them with you. But keep in mind that she may just be being nice.

 

Considering the last girl wouldn't do anything with me at all, that sounds like a start.

 

Thanks.

[Weezy1973]

I can start to crush on girls very quickly, and I doubt that they would crush on me as fast.

 

 

This should actually make your choice that much clearer - be as direct as possible. If she says 'no' then you can move on. As you've stated, you're very likely to get another crush very quickly.

[somedude81]

This should actually make your choice that much clearer - be as direct as possible. If she says 'no' then you can move on. As you've stated, you're very likely to get another crush very quickly.

 

I can get crushes on girls easily when a I like a girl, but I don't often meet girls to crush on.

 

Also I'm just getting tired of having my feelings crushed.

[CrystalCastles]

I'm afraid of moving too fast and scaring her away.

 

If she likes you, then she won't get scared away.

 

Focus on lunch girl, SD, and forget about busy girl. It seems lunch girl is giving positive signs, so focus on that. Don't waste time with girls that aren't interested.

 

You said yourself in your other thread- you like it when people are direct. So be direct yourself and just ask her out! If she says no, forget about her and onto the next! There are 3.5 billion girls on this planet, SD, plenty of girls to choose from. Dating is about taking risks- try to take more risks and try not to take the outcomes so personally.

 

Good luck with the lunch! I hope it all goes well.

[somedude81]

I think I will try to make plans with lunch girl but I really don't want to make it obvious I want a date. I'm too scared of getting rejected at this point. I would be really happy if I could spend time one-on-one with a girl. I haven't done that since my ex dumped me almost one year ago. Of course it's not for a lack of trying.

 

I think I really need to stop going to the class busy girl is in. I like her way too much considering how little time I've spent with her. I'm extremely jealous of that other guy. I was trying to talk to her first but she wouldn't slow down and then he just walked passed me to talk to her and she fully engaged him with a smile and everything. Even if he wasn't there I know that she's not interested in me, but it still felt good to talk to her and pretend I have a chance. Now I can't even do that anymore. Yeah for my sanity I have to stop going because my feelings aren't going to stop.

 

One thing that I have a serious problem with is that I want to pick a fight with a girl through text once I feel I don't have a shot with her and want to blow everything up. So like an idiot I sent her a text asking her what happened today and that she was acting cold towards me. Several hours go by so she ignored my text and I'm happy with that.

 

Then around 9:30 I get a reply,

 

"Was I? Sorry I haven't been feeling good all day. I had a little fever earlier."

That wasn't the reply I wanted!

 

She's such a sweet girl and now I feel bad that I made her think that I thought she was being mean to me.

Edited October 28, 2014 by somedude81

[normal person]

 

I think I really need to stop going to the class busy girl is in. I like her way too much considering how little time I've spent with her.

 

I know it's hard, but please don't let this girl affect your chances at graduating. You've got to be stronger than that. You need some foresight.

 

Even if he wasn't there I know that she's not interested in me, but it still felt good to talk to her and pretend I have a chance. Now I can't even do that anymore.

 

You've got to stop doing this, you're willfully deluding yourself. It's lunacy. It's probably causing some of your problems and making everything worse for you.

 

One thing that I have a serious problem with is that I want to pick a fight with a girl through text once I feel I don't have a shot with her and want to blow everything up. So like an idiot I sent her a text asking her what happened today and that she was acting cold towards me. Several hours go by so she ignored my text and I'm happy with that.

 

WHY do you feel compelled to do this? You absolutely need to realize that this makes you like exponentially worse. It makes you look needy and bitter. If she had any kind of thought that you weren't clingy and oblivious (aka: not completely undesirable) then you just nuked it. If she seems to act cold, it's for a reason. The most likely is that she just actively wants to avoid you. She's either 1). Trying to get you agitated so that you talk to her because she likes you (I don't think this is the case), 2). Trying to get you to leave her alone because she doesn't like you and your persistence is making her uncomfortable (I'd bet this is the case) or 3). Just doesn't even think about you at all and you interpret this as "cold."

 

So your options are:

1). Leave her alone, save face, and let it fade out.

2). Blatantly ignore her non-verbal cue that she doesn't want to talk to you, talk to her anyways, and make yourself even less attractive to her.

 

That's all you can do.

 

Then around 9:30 I get a reply,

 

"Was I? Sorry I haven't been feeling good all day. I had a little fever earlier."

That wasn't the reply I wanted!

 

She's such a sweet girl and now I feel bad that I made her think that I thought she was being mean to me.

 

She didn't even interact with you and she can't recall being cold/warm/whatever? If she liked you the slightest bit in any way, she'd remember an interaction you had a few hours earlier. Did she seem feverish when she was talking to that guy? This girl is trying to get away from you. Do not feel bad that you made her think she was being mean to you. She doesn't care or want your apology. She wants to get away from you. Feel bad for yourself for making her more aware that you care that much when she obviously doesn't give much of a **** about you. Don't dig yourself a foot deeper.

 

You need to read between the lines.

[Badsingularity]

After reading your last post I don't think you should be pursuing any women right now.

 

Trying to keep up with a girl who is trying to walk away from you and talk to her so you can pretend you have a chance with her is very odd behavior.

Have you thought about how your making her feel. Shes probably getting creeped out.

 

Then you send a text to her, a girl you've never been in a relationship with, to pick a fight? I feel sorry for her.

 

The best thing you could do to increase your chances of getting a gf in the future is back off from trying to get one right now, let your mind clear, gain some perspective.

 

If you do this your mind will become healthier and your behaviour more normal.

 

You will be more attractive.

[BlueIris]

SD, It just isn’t healthy to be considering stopping going to a class just because you have a crush, to say that you like her “too much”, you’re “extremely jealous,” you “can’t stop” your feelings, you want to pick a fight with her, and you texted her in an accusatory tone.

 

This is not good for you OR her. Don’t interact with her any more.

 

This girl is not doing anything bad or mean to you, and no one lives in another person's mind or should know what someone else thinks or feels.

 

So even though normal person mentioned the theoretical possibility that she’s trying to get you agitated so that you talk to her because she likes you, please do not latch onto that possibility. It's a very very remote possibility and I'm worried that you might be looking for justification to continue interacting with her. She hasn’t given you any evidence of this and has just been nice and polite to you as a fellow student.

 

Badsingularity is right about taking a break from pursuing women for a while until you can reset internally.

Edited October 28, 2014 by BlueIris

[somedude81]

Yes I know I have things I need to work on when I get strong feelings for a woman.

 

Her reply made me really embarrassed about what I messaged her.

 

Wanting to blow things up has been a long issue of mine and it is something I will talk to my counselor about.

 

Backing off from pursuing women is simply not an option.

[sillyanswer]

I think I really need to stop going to the class busy girl is in.

 

This would be an action wholly disproportional to the events behind it. You like a girl, but she isn't interested in you. That's all. That's happened before, and you survived. It will happen again.

[somedude81]

This would be an action wholly disproportional to the events behind it. You like a girl, but she isn't interested in you. That's all. That's happened before, and you survived. It will happen again.

 

Yes I know it will happen again. And possibly even happen at work. If it does I certainly can't quit a job because of a woman.

 

I need to become more in control of my feelings when I start to like somebody.

[sillyanswer]

Her reply made me really embarrassed about what I messaged her.

 

You could rescue things by apologising for giving her a hard time and expressing a wish for her to feel better soon. She still wont want to date you, but at least then you won't need to feel so embarrassed next time you see her in class.

[normal person]

You could rescue things by apologising for giving her a hard time and expressing a wish for her to feel better soon. She still wont want to date you, but at least then you won't need to feel so embarrassed next time you see her in class.

 

I'm going to disagree here.

 

I think SD is embarrassed mostly for the wrong reason. He feels bad about getting mad at her, which is justifiable. The bigger issue is that she doesn't seem to have any interest in him at all, seems almost like she's actively trying to avoid him, and he texts her asking her why she's avoiding him. He just can't take the hint and every time he can't he's just embarrassing himself further.

 

SD, I think you only have one play at this point. Just stop talking to her entirely. Not in class, no texts, nothing. Feel out the situation. She seems to have made her desires or lack thereof pretty clear (to everyone here but you). If she has any interest in at least being your friend or being in your company, she'll eventually text you or wonder why you don't talk to her anymore. If she doesn't, consider that her way of saying that she doesn't really have any interest in being around you and consider it lesson learned.

[rester]

Because of what I just went through, I temporarily don't want a solid no. I could also just try to make plans with her and not use the word date.

 

Honestly though, what I'd like now is some advice on this girl and not to talk about my beliefs. That's how threads explode and nothing is actually gained.

 

My advice would be to ask her out on a date if you want to date her, or ask her to lunch or to "hang out sometime" if you want to build up your fantasy of her and continue questioning if she wants to date you or not. She's a college girl and probably hasn't learned to be as direct as someone in their 30s has, and probably would like to have a friend and would have no problem hanging out with you as a friend. But that's not what you want and it sounds like you've been there too often before, so I don't know why you would do that to yourself again. It's self-harm, in a way.

 

I think if you invite her to lunch today, and she accepts and the lunch goes well, before you part for the day, it'd be perfectly acceptable to ask her if she would like to go on a date with you Friday night. Think of it as flattery. It's a compliment to her, whether she is interested or not. At least you won't be putting yourself in the same position you always seem to put yourself in.

 

 

One thing that I have a serious problem with is that I want to pick a fight with a girl through text once I feel I don't have a shot with her and want to blow everything up. So like an idiot I sent her a text asking her what happened today and that she was acting cold towards me. Several hours go by so she ignored my text and I'm happy with that.

 

This is really bad. Stop being a d!ck.

 

I think I will try to make plans with lunch girl but I really don't want to make it obvious I want a date. I'm too scared of getting rejected at this point. I would be really happy if I could spend time one-on-one with a girl. I haven't done that since my ex dumped me almost one year ago. Of course it's not for a lack of trying.

 

Your fear is holding you back again.

 

 

Then around 9:30 I get a reply,

 

"Was I? Sorry I haven't been feeling good all day. I had a little fever earlier."

That wasn't the reply I wanted!

 

She's such a sweet girl and now I feel bad that I made her think that I thought she was being mean to me.

 

What's the reply you wanted? I'm seriously curious. You can't manipulate someone into replying the way you want them to. Stop texting with the expectation of a specific reply.

 

Yes I know I have things I need to work on when I get strong feelings for a woman.

 

Her reply made me really embarrassed about what I messaged her.

 

Wanting to blow things up has been a long issue of mine and it is something I will talk to my counselor about.

 

Backing off from pursuing women is simply not an option.

 

It happens. Learn from it. Just don't go trying to apologize for it because you'll make it worse. She texted you back and sounds like she is trying to avoid you but not piss you off because she probably thinks you're one of those guys that doesn't know how to take a rejection. There are women on here that have given you this perspective. You're entering creeper mode here if you're not already in it. Leave her alone unless she initiates. Remember what happened with your ex? Same thing.

 

I'm glad you have a counselor you can talk to about these things. I'm very curious what he/she has to say about it. Hopefully it is helpful for you.

[rester]

I'm going to disagree here.

 

I think SD is embarrassed mostly for the wrong reason. He feels bad about getting mad at her, which is justifiable. The bigger issue is that she doesn't seem to have any interest in him at all, seems almost like she's actively trying to avoid him, and he texts her asking her why she's avoiding him. He just can't take the hint and every time he can't he's just embarrassing himself further.

 

SD, I think you only have one play at this point. Just stop talking to her entirely. Not in class, no texts, nothing. Feel out the situation. She seems to have made her desires or lack thereof pretty clear (to everyone here but you). If she has any interest in at least being your friend or being in your company, she'll eventually text you or wonder why you don't talk to her anymore. If she doesn't, consider that her way of saying that she doesn't really have any interest in being around you and consider it lesson learned.

 

Agreed. The first text was awkward enough. An apology would be even more awkward and then she'd have another awkward text to respond to. Don't prolong the interaction. Just let it be.

 

It's too easy to hide behind a text and write things that one would never have the courage to say otherwise. Don't text something if it's something you don't have the balls to say aloud to the person.

[serial muse]

If she has any interest in at least being your friend or being in your company, she'll eventually text you or wonder why you don't talk to her anymore. If she doesn't, consider that her way of saying that she doesn't really have any interest in being around you and consider it lesson learned.

 

I don't really think that would happen at this point. I think that she was, at one time, open to the idea of being friends with him, but he was too focused on dating her and she finally realized that he wasn't going to give up and just be friends. So there's basically nothing he can do now. She's done trying to create space while being friendly, because it wasn't working, and that's why she won't talk to him anymore.

 

It's a shame, because if SD had just gone to lunch in a friendly way back when she invited him to hang out with her friends, he might have met someone else in her group, or at least widened his social circle so as to create more opportunities. She offered him friendship and he rejected it. I don't think he does have good reason to be mad at her.

 

He could apologize if he wants, I suppose it might make him look better. But I honestly wouldn't bother. The friendship window has firmly closed.

Edited October 28, 2014 by serial muse