How should I pursue this girl?

[Teknoe]

What if she likes guys her own age, on pace to graduate at the traditional time, with healthy social lives, who regularly pick up on conventional social cues, who don't come off as clingy or desperate, who don't have complete tunnel vision on finding a girlfriend and pinning all hopes for happiness in life on it, plus a myriad of other stuff? What if you find out that's the case?

 

 

I already asked him this, and he ignored it saying "it's not even possible she'd say that so I can't respond to your post seriously."

 

Of course she would never say that to SD. It's too awkward to actually say it out loud to him. But really, that's what many girls deep down want in their man.

 

He can deny it all he wants, but the results speak for themselves.

[ASG]

Well that's really lame and deceitful.

 

Either way that's in the past and it's been a long time since I spent any time alone with a girl as just friends. Remembering back to what it was like, it's not something I want to put myself through again.

 

It's not lame. It is what has to be done, unfortunately.

 

Of 3 examples that come to my mind, I had to completely cut relations with one of the guys, as he completely blew up on me when I rejected him, finally;

 

with another I had to stop hanging out with him one on one, as he also blew up on me. We would only hang out in a group setting (as I wasn't prepared to stop hanging out with my friends because he would be there as well), with minimal contact between the two of us.

 

The 3rd one was slightly better, as he only asked me if I was aware of his interest after he had seriously started dating his current gf, so there was no drama.

 

I was always very clear that we were just friends. There was no flirting, no touching, no nothing of the sort. Just hanging out, as friends. Even talking about the guys I was interested in, sometimes (to really push the point across). Of the 3, the 3rd guy was the only one who got it. Though he still thinks I didn't know he was interested...

[ThaWholigan]

I already asked him this, and he ignored it saying "it's not even possible she'd say that so I can't respond to your post seriously."

 

Of course she would never say that to SD. It's too awkward to actually say it out loud to him. But really, that's what many girls deep down want in their man.

 

He can deny it all he wants, but the results speak for themselves.

When in pursuit, you have to display multiple dimensions to your character over time, how quickly depends on the girl. She has to feel like she's scratching the surface with you to an extent - an exception being the girls who like their guys to be straight up and balls-to-the-wall in how they approach things.

 

They want a guy who doesn't base their hopes and dreams upon her existence. May seem counterproductive if all you want in life is a GF, but you have to have more about you. How you appear, your natural way of communicating, your stance, poise; what you want to do in life, your goals, interests; how you empathize with others - if you do at all; your ethics etc.

 

Just being a well-rounded man would suffice. Wanting to learn and having the discipline to do so. Even a meathead wants to learn about something, they want to learn how to be stronger. Might seem one-dimensional to an extent, but that's a layer. Some girls absolutely will like that - comes across in how they look, carry themselves and how they look upon life. Even if they are "jerks", they have attractive qualities.

 

If you're just any person who has no direction, doesn't want to do anything except "have a girlfriend", and everything they do is centered around that, it will be difficult to attract anyone. As harsh as this may sound, there's barely anything of intangible value to offer.

 

Even me - I'm a decent looking guy, I have multiple interests, my own ethics, way of communicating and all that sh-t. But I have a long way to go - I still live at home and I'm not as independent as I want to be. Do I bemoan that in an illfated quest for a girlfriend? F-ck no. I do want a girlfriend, but I want to have my life sorted even more, so that when I do go out and date, I have more women of my choice to pick from, and they all have the option of whether to continue dating. If they don't, no sweat.

 

This is why you have to develop a different attitude and focus your energy on what you can do for yourself, not just what you can do to get a girlfriend. That's a losing battle.

Edited October 29, 2014 by ThaWholigan

[yajiuma]

I was rejected by someone I was crushing on for a long time right before my final university exams and it affected my concentration terribly because I was so upset. Thank god I passed but it could easily have gone the other way. I was sooo relieved that my stupid infatuation didn't prevent me from graduating on time.

 

I hope that you can put this situation behind you quickly and not feel too sad/negative for long because your university days are quickly drawing to a close.

[BlueIris]

Just because one woman here or in real life is one way, and knows and does certain things, does not mean that all women or girls are that way. In the same vein, just because you, SomeDude81, are one way doesn’t mean all men or boys are that way. Some are, some might be, some aren’t.

 

You never know what one individual is like until you get to know him or her at a deeper level. Busy Girl, for instance, has been more forthright than some of the women you’ve known in the past.

 

So, I think it’s a waste of time to try to generalize or stereotype because in love and romance, you’re always dealing with one individual who might fit or not.

 

Be open to getting to know people rather than being on the hunt to "catch" someone. You're deciding you want these virtual strangers as a Girlfriend before you even know enough about them to know if you actually do. If you take a curious, exploratory perspective rather than an attachment and expectation perspective, you'll have less pain.

[normal person]

When in pursuit, you have to display multiple dimensions to your character over time, how quickly depends on the girl. She has to feel like she's scratching the surface with you to an extent - an exception being the girls who like their guys to be straight up and balls-to-the-wall in how they approach things.

 

They want a guy who doesn't base their hopes and dreams upon her existence. May seem counterproductive if all you want in life is a GF, but you have to have more about you. How you appear, your natural way of communicating, your stance, poise; what you want to do in life, your goals, interests; how you empathize with others - if you do at all; your ethics etc.

 

[...]

 

If you're just any person who has no direction, doesn't want to do anything except "have a girlfriend", and everything they do is centered around that, it will be difficult to attract anyone. As harsh as this may sound, there's barely anything of intangible value to offer.

 

 

This is why you have to develop a different attitude and focus your energy on what you can do for yourself, not just what you can do to get a girlfriend. That's a losing battle.

 

Great post. A lot of times when I ask SD what he has to offer, or what he's hoping girls will like about him, he seems to think his attention and "being easy going, nice, etc" will be enough to win them over.

[clia]

And back to lunch girl...

 

We talked today but as I suspected she wanted to study today instead of have lunch. I told her that I wanted to get together this weekend and she kinda after talking about how she's busy and stuff we established that she's free on Sunday. So I told her that I want to go hiking on Sunday and she said that she will think about it. Yes I know what that means.

 

If I don't hear from her by Saturday I'll text her to get the final answer. If it's a no then I'll move on.

 

Any particular reason why you chose hiking? Has she said she likes hiking? Some women might be leery of going hiking with a guy they don't know very well unless you are planning to go to really popular trails where there are always plenty of people in sight. Just something to keep in mind.

 

But yeah...she doesn't seem interested.

[somedude81]

And back to lunch girl...

 

 

 

Any particular reason why you chose hiking? Has she said she likes hiking? Some women might be leery of going hiking with a guy they don't know very well unless you are planning to go to really popular trails where there are always plenty of people in sight. Just something to keep in mind.

 

But yeah...she doesn't seem interested.

 

Does it matter what I invited her to?

 

And yes, she has said that she really enjoys it.

[somedude81]

Just because one woman here or in real life is one way, and knows and does certain things, does not mean that all women or girls are that way. In the same vein, just because you, SomeDude81, are one way doesn’t mean all men or boys are that way. Some are, some might be, some aren’t.

 

You never know what one individual is like until you get to know him or her at a deeper level. Busy Girl, for instance, has been more forthright than some of the women you’ve known in the past.

 

So, I think it’s a waste of time to try to generalize or stereotype because in love and romance, you’re always dealing with one individual who might fit or not.

 

Be open to getting to know people rather than being on the hunt to "catch" someone. You're deciding you want these virtual strangers as a Girlfriend before you even know enough about them to know if you actually do. If you take a curious, exploratory perspective rather than an attachment and expectation perspective, you'll have less pain.

 

My requirements for a girlfriend aren't that stringent. If I'm attracted to a girls appearance and her personality, as long as she doesn't have any crazy red flags I'm fine with her being my girlfriend.

 

I really doubt that if I were to really get to know either of these two girls better, that anything would come up with would mark them as not girlfriend material.

[somedude81]

Great post. A lot of times when I ask SD what he has to offer, or what he's hoping girls will like about him, he seems to think his attention and "being easy going, nice, etc" will be enough to win them over.

 

That's because I don't know what girls want. I've expressed that over and over.

 

If you like this subject so much please make a new thread about it, or maybe I will.

 

"What should guys be able to offer to women" or something like that.

[preraph]

Everything you said is exactly what I want to do. But I'm getting frustrated that none of the phone numbers I've gotten have turned into anything. Not even a single hangout. So far this semester I've tried to get four girls to hang out with me, three of them I approached from a friendship angle and the forth knows I want to date her. I'm getting tired of being around girls that I'd love to date, yet I can't even spend time with anybody.

 

Something is causing these girls to change their mind between the time they give me their number and make plans with me and the time we were supposed to go out.

 

I just realized you're an "immediate gratification" guy. There are studies that show that children who are tested with a simple cookie test, something like you can have one cookie now or if you wait five mintutes, you can have three, the ones who could distract themselves long enough to wait out the five minutes actually were more successful as adults. You might want to read up on it just for some more info and something to think about. Patience does have its rewards.

[preraph]

Wow, I just got a text from busy girl.

 

First part was something we were joking about. Second part was this.

 

"(My name), you know I want to be friends with you but I can't help but feel that you keep wanting more than that... I just see you as a friend, okay?"

 

I'm stunned that she said that. I wouldn't expect a girl to be so direct. Still I was a little confused because I thought I was being obvious and that she knew I liked her. Hell, a few weeks ago I told her that I really want to know if she has a boyfriend because I want to go out with her, and that's when she told me that she was too busy to have a boyfriend. After that I got her number and kept trying to make plans with her. So how is she just now feeling that I want more than to be her friend?

 

Aside from the obvious that she just sees me as a friend, I feel that there's something else she's trying to tell me.

 

"So how is she just now feeling that I want more than to be her friend?"

 

Because she's not stupid. She knows perfectly well, because you told her and because a "friend" is not so persistent and intense, that you like her more than a friend. You are very intense. That's not a bad thing, but it's a very obvious thing.

 

Now, you have no platform left on which to say this girl hasn't been honest. When pushed into a corner, she manned up and told you the straight unadulterated truth, and you've got to accept it, thank her for her honesty, and move on. I'm sorry it went that way for you.

[normal person]

That's because I don't know what girls want. I've expressed that over and over.

 

If you like this subject so much please make a new thread about it, or maybe I will.

 

"What should guys be able to offer to women" or something like that.

 

I thought this post was pretty self-explanatory:

 

 

They want a guy who doesn't base their hopes and dreams upon her existence. May seem counterproductive if all you want in life is a GF, but you have to have more about you. How you appear, your natural way of communicating, your stance, poise; what you want to do in life, your goals, interests; how you empathize with others - if you do at all; your ethics etc.

 

Just being a well-rounded man would suffice. Wanting to learn and having the discipline to do so. Even a meathead wants to learn about something, they want to learn how to be stronger. Might seem one-dimensional to an extent, but that's a layer. Some girls absolutely will like that - comes across in how they look, carry themselves and how they look upon life. Even if they are "jerks", they have attractive qualities.

 

If you're just any person who has no direction, doesn't want to do anything except "have a girlfriend", and everything they do is centered around that, it will be difficult to attract anyone. As harsh as this may sound, there's barely anything of intangible value to offer.

 

[...]

This is why you have to develop a different attitude and focus your energy on what you can do for yourself, not just what you can do to get a girlfriend. That's a losing battle.

 

I only go by what I read from you here, I don't know you personally. What about you is special? Exciting? Intriguing? Are you passionate about anything?

 

Is there anything people would say about you other than "I guess he's tolerable and he desperately wants a girlfriend?" Does your individual presence have any significant affect on a girl's life, or are you merely just "some dude" who's there? Merely just there to chat and ask them to go to lunch and hiking? How do you enrich their lives otherwise?

 

What do you think they think/say about you and why? Can you think of any conceivable reason that a girl would want to go out with you other than that you're "nice, laid back, and funny?" (Which are totally subjective, by the way).

Edited October 29, 2014 by normal person

[somedude81]

"So how is she just now feeling that I want more than to be her friend?"

 

Because she's not stupid. She knows perfectly well, because you told her and because a "friend" is not so persistent and intense, that you like her more than a friend. You are very intense. That's not a bad thing, but it's a very obvious thing.

 

Now, you have no platform left on which to say this girl hasn't been honest. When pushed into a corner, she manned up and told you the straight unadulterated truth, and you've got to accept it, thank her for her honesty, and move on. I'm sorry it went that way for you.

 

Yeah it does suck that it went that way. She was a really cool girl and I had a lot of fun with her in class and the one time we met up together outside of class.At least I got this taken care of with her so quickly instead of dragging it to the end of the semester.

 

It really is discouraging to keep failing with women. I feel like I'm getting burnt out at trying to get a date. So many girls that I would have liked to get to know better and every single one of them turned into a dead in.

 

This does wonders for my depression

[normal person]

 

It really is discouraging to keep failing with women. I feel like I'm getting burnt out at trying to get a date. So many girls that I would have liked to get to know better and every single one of them turned into a dead in.

 

 

Why do you think they might want to get to know you better? Serious question. Put yourself in their shoes and assess SD through their eyes.

[xxoo]

You should say that to xxoo.

 

Apparently she thinks that it was strange for me to start liking this girl after knowing her for two months.

 

I said it was strange to fixate one, especially when she has never even agreed to a single date.

[xxoo]

That's because I don't know what girls want. I've expressed that over and over.

 

This is wisdom most gain through social experience. By 33 years old, you should have had a large range of female acquaintances and some closer friend (at least girlfriends of your friends) who you could observe over time and see what they value in a partner.

[ThaWholigan]

That's because I don't know what girls want. I've expressed that over and over.

 

If you like this subject so much please make a new thread about it, or maybe I will.

 

"What should guys be able to offer to women" or something like that.

I did make one and it's in my signature - I'll make a new one or bump it for you. Maybe I'll do a new one that's really really condensed and simple for you so you can understand it, seeing as the mountains of times we've explained to you how to make yourself more attractive and appear valuable to women has clearly gone ignored because you still don't know what women want (obviously though, women are individuals and do want different things but at this point, you need a crash course in the basics it seems).

[preraph]

I don't like you talking about changing to be who some girl who's rejected you wants to be. You don't know her well enough to have any idea who she wants you to be. For all you know, all she wants is for you to have brown hair and a goatee instead of blond hair and a tattoo. Yes, she could be just that shallow at her age. I mean, you can't know that. And it's not fair to you.

 

You are really working on yourself and at the same time, going through these big dramas that are taking a toll on you, but please just stay focused on being the best YOU. You don't want to try to be someone else just to get a particular girl. You are going to be plenty good enough for someone who's going to be plenty good enough for you, but you must realize that it may not happen right now because you are just right in the middle of a bunch of self-discovery and self-work. I know you view a girlfriend as relief from depression but in a way, that's using love as a drug to anesthetize yourself and that will only slow you down from facing whatever issues you need to work on. I hope you've made it clear to your therapist that you are viewing a girlfriend as a depression cure because I'd hope they would instead give you an antidepressant that might take the edge off, while you work on anger and all the other issues in therapy to get you ready to be your best self and accept that you are good enough and that it doesn't take another person to complete you. And then you'll be way more likely to meet the right girl.

 

I know it's easier right now to kind of revel in the direct communication with busy girl, but hanging onto that is only going to hold you back and lead to more disappointment. She's not going to change her mind, and you are never going to be happy to just be a friend. Right now, you need to back off completely, thank her for her honesty, and stop contacting her. Nod politely if you see her, and move forward. She's only one girl in a vast see of girls on this earth. One day you will meet the one who will appreciate the one-woman man that you are capable of being and never want to let you go.

[somedude81]

This is wisdom most gain through social experience. By 33 years old, you should have had a large range of female acquaintances and some closer friend (at least girlfriends of your friends) who you could observe over time and see what they value in a partner.

 

I have had a large range of female acquaintances and some close female friends. I wasn't able to learn anything.

 

Just being friends with girls and observing them isn't enough.

[somedude81]

I did make one and it's in my signature - I'll make a new one or bump it for you. Maybe I'll do a new one that's really really condensed and simple for you so you can understand it, seeing as the mountains of times we've explained to you how to make yourself more attractive and appear valuable to women has clearly gone ignored

 

And that's where I stopped reading, though I was starting to fade out at mountains.

[ThaWholigan]

And that's where I stopped reading, though I was starting to fade out at mountains.

Of course that's where you stopped reading. And that's why you have problems. Anyway, stay tuned.

[somedude81]

I don't like you talking about changing to be who some girl who's rejected you wants to be. You don't know her well enough to have any idea who she wants you to be. For all you know, all she wants is for you to have brown hair and a goatee instead of blond hair and a tattoo. Yes, she could be just that shallow at her age. I mean, you can't know that. And it's not fair to you.

 

My hope is that there is some quality or trait that a good number of women perceive as attractive that I can develop. Not something goofy like getting a goatee and a tattoo.

 

You are really working on yourself and at the same time, going through these big dramas that are taking a toll on you, but please just stay focused on being the best YOU. You don't want to try to be someone else just to get a particular girl. You are going to be plenty good enough for someone who's going to be plenty good enough for you, but you must realize that it may not happen right now because you are just right in the middle of a bunch of self-discovery and self-work.

 

Yeah it really is starting to take a toll on me. The biggest impact it's having on me is sapping my energy. More and more I just feel tired and don't want to do anything. Right now I would normally be in busy girls dance class but I overslept and missed the class I'm enrolled in, and have absolutely no desire to go to the one she's in. I don't have math until 3:30 so I'm not really missing out aside from doing something that I enjoy.

 

Regarding the self discovery and work, I'm scared that no matter what I do it won't be good enough. I really don't want to be 45 working in a great job, have my own home and still single, remembering back on the time I had a GF for six months when I was 32.

 

I know you view a girlfriend as relief from depression but in a way, that's using love as a drug to anesthetize yourself and that will only slow you down from facing whatever issues you need to work on.

 

That's exactly what I view love and having a girlfriend as. And I know it works because I was feeling great when I had a GF.

 

I hope you've made it clear to your therapist that you are viewing a girlfriend as a depression cure because I'd hope they would instead give you an antidepressant that might take the edge off, while you work on anger and all the other issues in therapy to get you ready to be your best self and accept that you are good enough and that it doesn't take another person to complete you. And then you'll be way more likely to meet the right girl.

 

I have talked to her about it and it's something we're going to focus on.

 

I know it's easier right now to kind of revel in the direct communication with busy girl, but hanging onto that is only going to hold you back and lead to more disappointment. She's not going to change her mind, and you are never going to be happy to just be a friend. Right now, you need to back off completely, thank her for her honesty, and stop contacting her. Nod politely if you see her, and move forward. She's only one girl in a vast see of girls on this earth. One day you will meet the one who will appreciate the one-woman man that you are capable of being and never want to let you go.

 

It's easier if I just never see her again. I'm in too deep and it's best to just forget about her.

[somedude81]

Of course that's where you stopped reading. And that's why you have problems. Anyway, stay tuned.

 

If you want to hold my attention, I suggest not insulting me

[Haydn]

I saw no insult. It`s a woman`s attention you need to hold. There is so much good stuff posted here. Somethings that i myself take on board. There is no instant answer. Good luck and i mean that. I would like to see a post where you turned the corner.