How should I pursue this girl?

[CrystalCastles]

Wow, this thread got way bigger than last time I was here lol.

 

SD read the PM.

 

Without a doubt, leave the busy girl alone. You're only damaging yourself in her eyes at this point. Lunch girl seems to have become lukewarm as well, so just try to distance any feelings from her.

 

As I mentioned, the problem is that you create a lot of fantasies surrounding these girls. You're attached to those fantasies, not so much to the girls themselves. I don't blame you- I've done that too. I think it just comes from being lonely and wanting someone badly. But you have to stop doing it.

 

For starters, it seems to get you out of control so that you hound these girls until they blatantly tell you no. And, you get emotionally attached to people who you don't know at all. This is dangerous because for all you know, a girl could be very sweet and friendly, and once you get to know her, you could find out that she has a s***load of baggage, she's a cheater, she's got baby daddies, etc etc. I'm definitely not saying all college girls are like that, but you don't know them. Heck, they could simply just be incompatible with you- the two of you might have nothing in common, have nothing to talk about, and would sit there in awkward silence on a date.

 

I think that your biggest problem is that you need to find something to think about that isn't girls. Read books, study something you like. I personally found that in my single days, reading fantasy novels and studying politics got my mind off my single status. You need to find a way to occupy your mind with something other than girls. Thinking about girls isn't going to get you a girlfriend faster.

 

Also, as MissBee mentioned, and I said in the PM, these are just 4 out of 3.5 billion girls. There will never be a shortage of girls to ask out. Consider it this way- every rejection narrows down the number of girls you have to ask out. This means you're closer to finding the right girl for you. If you ask out many, many girls, chances are, someone eventually will say yes. Rejections are just part of the process of finding the right girl. Also, think about it this way, every time a girl rejects you, this automatically tells you that she's not the right girl for you.

 

I know people on here sound mean, and sound like they're attacking you. But I think people on here really DO want to see you succeed. We're here to give you advice and support you, not to knock you down.

[Badsingularity]

 

The butterfly thing can't be defined.

 

 

Yes it can.

 

I have explained what causes women to feel this in many posts to you.

 

I understand it very well.

[MissBee]

My requirements for a girlfriend aren't that stringent. If I'm attracted to a girls appearance and her personality, as long as she doesn't have any crazy red flags I'm fine with her being my girlfriend.

 

I really doubt that if I were to really get to know either of these two girls better, that anything would come up with would mark them as not girlfriend material.

 

I already said it to you, but let me try once more:

 

That's part of your problem.

 

You think having the super basic "standards" "cute and nice" will make it easier to get a girlfriend when it in fact does not and is also why you seem to "like" people so easily and feel all hurt about it because your "liking criteria" is way too lax and huge. You seem to be able to fall head over heels with ANY woman who is cute and nice and have no other ways of narrowing down someone's fit for you. This doesn't make things easier. It makes it so you idealize anyone cute and nice as the end all be all.

 

When you have other qualities you look for it actually makes life easier for you dating wise, counter-intuitive as it may seem, as it allows you to judge someone with more than two criteria and when you do that you realize you like way less people or when you get to know someone beyond cute and nice and realize they aren't a match based on other criteria it's much easier for you to move forward knowing they weren't a good match for you based on a larger set of standards. However, if cute and nice is really IT and all it takes for you to want to be in a relationship with someone...then you will find a lot of cute and nice women and then will fall for them simply because of those two things and then won't be able to process it or feel like even more shyt than others when it doesn't work out because for you almost anyone it seems could be considered "IT." Having too many possibilities for someone to be "IT" makes you a lot more susceptible to heartbreak with any and everyone you come across...which you exhibit.

 

For example: because I need a man to be more than cute and nice, I don't fall for men I don't know easily, simply because I need way more than that so just cause a man is cute or nice doesn't mean I start obsessing over him to develop deep feelings. All cute and nice gets a man is piqued interest but that's it. It's not that serious for me at that point and I don't start idealizing him and wanting him to be my boyfriend based on those very superficial non-qualities. I can't develop any stronger feelings or even become that emotionally invested until after getting to know them or going out with them for a bit...and even when I do I am not at their mercy because I have actual standards that if they don't meet, I can say they aren't a good match for me and it's no skin off my nose for a man to be cute and nice and still not be a match for me. However, you on the other hand, since cute and nice is all it takes for a woman to be your gf it seems you aren't able to see their flaws or treat them like human beings or have any criteria to weigh them against or decide they aren't for you...if a woman is automatically a "match" because she is cute and nice it makes you vulnerable because you are not discriminating, in the sense of having any kind of standard which you weigh people against and decide if they are match for you. It doesn't really seem like you in fact care really about being a good match but simply want a gf...an alive body who is cute and nice...regardless of any other thing which makes someone an actual match for you. You don't care about your views on life, their values as it relates to yours or any other dimension: as long as they are a woman who is cute and nice. And you even are asking how to become someone these people will like. Like you are VOID of any kind of intrinsic idea about your worth or preferences and it's more about getting people to like you than deciding who you like based on more than two things.

 

It's not a powerful position at all. It's like someone desperate for a job so they don't care about the pay, the hours, the kind of work or any other thing so long as it is work. Whereas people who know their worth as an employer actually negotiate and even if they get a job can decide they don't want it if the pay is too low or the benefits aren't good or the hours are gruesome. They have the confidence in their skill to negotiate or walk away. Dating is kind of like that. It isn't just about being a certain way so ANYONE cute and nice will like you, it's about also deciding if you like someone and also being able to decide someone isn't for you. That's a powerful position./

 

As I sai in another thread of yours, a man who is in his 30s should have WAY MORE sophisticated criteria for a girlfriend. Cute and nice is what a 14 year old kid should want...not a grown man. And you keep thinking just wanting 2 things will make things easier for you but read and re-read what I said, it actually makes it obvious you are desperate, you're not in a powerful position, it's more so about them liking you versus you having a set of standards a woman can meet or not meet and with such a shallow criteria you lose the ability to decide she isn't for you and to choose to reject even a cute and nice woman so you will see yourself getting more rejections than rejecting and taking it way too personally if every cute nice woman is enough for you while ignoring any other qualities.

[somedude81]

My criteria is more involved than cute and nice, but I have a hard time explaining it.

 

There are tons of cute and nice girls in my dance classes and I interact with them regularly. But for some reason I got stuck on busy girl. There is something about her personality and how she interacted with me that made me focus on her.

 

The other girl in this thread is cute and nice but I don't like her personality as much as busy girl's.

 

My basic requirement for me to want to go on a date with a girl is for her to be cute and nice. The following dates require a whole lot more.

[somedude81]

Wow, this thread got way bigger than last time I was here lol.

 

SD read the PM.

 

Without a doubt, leave the busy girl alone. You're only damaging yourself in her eyes at this point. Lunch girl seems to have become lukewarm as well, so just try to distance any feelings from her.

 

I'm completely done with busy girl. Unless hell freezes over and she contacts me, I'll never talk to her again. The same thing can be said for lunch girl as well.

 

As I mentioned, the problem is that you create a lot of fantasies surrounding these girls. You're attached to those fantasies, not so much to the girls themselves. I don't blame you- I've done that too. I think it just comes from being lonely and wanting someone badly. But you have to stop doing it.

 

Eh, I'm not really making any fantasies about these girls, but I'm lonely, and want a girlfriend. I just want to start making the initial steps with a girl for something that can turn into a relationship. But I'm not even getting that far so I'm becoming depressed.

 

For starters, it seems to get you out of control so that you hound these girls until they blatantly tell you no.

 

I'm starting to better figure out when a girl means no without saying it. As I said before, if lunch girl doesn't contact me, then I'm done with her. She doesn't have to tell me no, I'll just understand.

 

And, you get emotionally attached to people who you don't know at all. This is dangerous because for all you know, a girl could be very sweet and friendly, and once you get to know her, you could find out that she has a s***load of baggage, she's a cheater, she's got baby daddies, etc etc. I'm definitely not saying all college girls are like that, but you don't know them. Heck, they could simply just be incompatible with you- the two of you might have nothing in common, have nothing to talk about, and would sit there in awkward silence on a date.

 

I know what you are trying to say, but I just don't see that happening with either of these girls.

 

I really can't imagine any of them having a bunch of baggage or turning into a bitch.

 

I've also spoken to both girls for long enough to know that there isn't a shortage of things to talk about. With busy girl the conversation just flows so naturally. It's just fun to talk with her and she's not afraid to give me crap about something stupid I said. But she's gone now.

 

I think that your biggest problem is that you need to find something to think about that isn't girls. Read books, study something you like. I personally found that in my single days, reading fantasy novels and studying politics got my mind off my single status. You need to find a way to occupy your mind with something other than girls. Thinking about girls isn't going to get you a girlfriend faster.

 

I have been single far longer than you have. Believe me, I've tried a great deal of things to get my mind off women.

 

Also, as MissBee mentioned, and I said in the PM, these are just 4 out of 3.5 billion girls. There will never be a shortage of girls to ask out. Consider it this way- every rejection narrows down the number of girls you have to ask out. This means you're closer to finding the right girl for you. If you ask out many, many girls, chances are, someone eventually will say yes. Rejections are just part of the process of finding the right girl. Also, think about it this way, every time a girl rejects you, this automatically tells you that she's not the right girl for you.

 

So far I've been rejected by around 30 women that I've liked. Being rejected by 100 more women isn't exactly going to help me.

 

What you don't understand is that each new rejection brings me down a little more. Each rejection is essentially a woman telling me that I'm not good enough. Constant rejection hurts. It is the reason for my poor self-esteem.

 

I know people on here sound mean, and sound like they're attacking you. But I think people on here really DO want to see you succeed. We're here to give you advice and support you, not to knock you down.

 

Eh, I'd say it's about half and half. Some people really do want to knock me down, so I just ignore their posts. The ones who I do know want to support me have my full attention.

[MissBee]

My criteria is more involved than cute and nice, but I have a hard time explaining it.

 

There are tons of cute and nice girls in my dance classes and I interact with them regularly. But for some reason I got stuck on busy girl. There is something about her personality and how she interacted with me that made me focus on her.

 

The other girl in this thread is cute and nice but I don't like her personality as much as busy girl's.

 

My basic requirement for me to want to go on a date with a girl is for her to be cute and nice. The following dates require a whole lot more.

 

The fact that is difficult for you to even articulate other criteria is in itself strange.

 

I can name 10 other things right now that I look for in a man.

 

So even if you supposedly have other criteria clearly the only ones you can articulate are the two most shallow ones...which in itself is a problem.

[somedude81]

The fact that is difficult for you to even articulate other criteria is in itself strange.

 

I can name 10 other things right now that I look for in a man.

 

So even if you supposedly have other criteria clearly the only ones you can articulate are the two most shallow ones...which in itself is a problem.

 

What's the point in spending time to think about and write all the criteria I have for my ideal partner when there is very little chance I'll be able to actually date her?

[Teknoe]

Wholigan, did you come up with that yourself?

 

You say in there that you are autistic but wow you have some insight!

I know a few autistic folk but mostly aspergers and they are not as clued - not in your league at all.

 

That opening post is brilliant!

 

My respect to you Mr W!

 

ThaWholigan, I also have to give you a shout out. You are well clued in, and you are a very honest, introspective person. Qualities that will make any lady extremely lucky to be your GF/wife one day.

 

Keep on keepin' on, bro.

 

SD, to get back on topic, I agree with the poster who said you seem to seek immediate gratification. We've talked in the past about skipping steps, and how doing so hurts your chances with the ladies.

 

Before you can get in a healthy relationship with a GF, you should work on getting in a healthy relationship with girls/guys which have no sexuality to it.

 

It's important to build that first.

Also important to value yourself first

[MissBee]

Also with regard to what Crystal Castle says about you building fantasies and projecting them on to women you don't know, which I also said and tens of others said, you keep saying you understand but clearly don't, the point isn't whether or not these two specific women are really secret bitches or not, so I don't see why you're arguing that point, the point is, you DON'T KNOW THEM WELL! What you know about them is a mere FRACTION of who they are. It's like an iceberg submerged 50 feet below the surface but you've only seen the 10 feet above and assume you know it well when you can't see what's under the water which may be very different from what you see above. It takes a lot more than classroom interactions and random texts to know someone. So you thinking that you doubt they are XYZ way doesn't really mean much...how you THINK someone is and how they actually are once you know them INTIMATELY is not at all the same.

 

Even if they aren't bitches it doesn't mean you're compatible...which is how dating goes for most folks. Except for you it seems everyone is compatible if they are a woman, they are cute, they are nice, they are not insane. However since most people have other criteria to judge compatibility other than not crazy and nice and cute, you will probably see a pattern of women rejecting you or if you date breaking it off if they don't think you're compatible... while as I said you'll probably never be the one to break up with a woman because you're just so darn happy to have a relationship so compatibility and other deeper factors don't matter. I think this is probably why you had a hard time dealing with your breakup or any rejection, because your outlook is if she is nice and cute she can be your gf,you said it, and you seem to think it should work that way for everyone where if they think you are nice and cute they should want you to be their bf too or should stay with you....when that isn't all there is and after getting to know you may find other things which they aren't happy about. What would a woman do which would make you break it off, besides becoming absolutely insane or violent? After a few dates, what other criteria would you need to decide you want to be with her? If you were looking for a wife for example, and not a gf, what would you want?

 

Every man I've dated I liked well enough and there were things I simply couldn't know about them without spending time with them or dating them for a period of time, which is why lots of relationships don't work out. As with time you learn more and sometimes what you learn is that you are not compatible. My last bf, we broke up a month ago, things were fine for about the first 3 months but I quickly began to realize how much of a match we weren't even though in the beginning I thought we were so compatible....I based it off of certain more superficial things and of course the infatuation at the beginning. He did check my list in many ways but also didn't in some fundamental ways that I couldn't have found out until after dating him and getting to know him. For me, the more I'm with you it either reveals how good we are together or shows how much we aren't suited for each other. Point is: meeting someone in a dance class and texting them a few times or seeing them around, all you have are TID BITS of info and fantasies...even if they don't reveal himself to be an insane person once you know them, You have NO REAL DATA to say you'd be a good match ( if you have standards) and the only thing which will prove it is actually dating them. That said, it is normal to fantasize and to be excited about the POSSIBILITY of someone...but you seem unable to disentangle the possibility from reality and let the fantasy take you over and people who do this hurt themselves, other people don't even have to try to hurt them because they build everything up in their own minds but feel slighted when reality doesn't match their projections. Instead of running full speed with the fantasy of what you THINK someone is or will be, a more realistic attitude is "She seems nice, I want to get to know her, but even after knowing her she may not be a good match for me, so we'll see." But again, the problem is, to get to a place to be able to say that and feel that way genuinely requires the ability to discriminate which comes from having more evolved criteria for deciding if a woman is a suitable partner and if you don't have that criteria in place and on hand (which you seem unable to even articulate one other quality besides cute and nice) and are just simply desperate to have any half decent person as your gf...then you find yourself up to your eyeballs in fantasy projections and phantom heartbreak over women you do not know but have convinced yourself are "perfect" for you based on completely shallow and incomplete data.

 

It's like driving by a neighborhood and seeing a house and deciding it is the perfect home for you based on how it looks outside and the neighborhood it's in and that other people seem to like the neighborhood and so on. But you've never been inside, never seen the rooms, don't know the history, have NO CLUE about the structure and foundation beyond guessing and essentially you only have the data you can gather from driving by and your own fantasies to work with, but you start imagining yourself living there and how great it is and how it should be yours and you want to buy it and how happy you will be once you get it. Then one day you drive by and see a family pull up to the drive way, drive in and go inside and then you realize other people live there and it's not for sale, then got all angry and upset that it was taken from you when you built a fantasy around it not even knowing if it was for sale or not. OR a different scenario, based on your drive bys and fantasy you quickly secure it and buy it but you do all this before going inside, inspecting and taking any kind of look then get it and realize it isn't what you expected based on just driving by from the outside....or perhaps you are desperate to live anywhere so even if the plumbing is all bad inside, the roof leaks, it has mold etc you could care less so long as you live somewhere.

[MissBee]

What's the point in spending time to think about and write all the criteria I have for my ideal partner when there is very little chance I'll be able to actually date her?

 

 

Ahhh....

 

Is this a serious question? Guess all I said was just gibberish to you.

 

Okay don't have any criteria, it works nicely.

 

I guess your defeatist attitude is just not something with which I resonate. I have my standards, which aren't even ideals in the sense of some crazy unattainable thing, I have things I NEED in a man beyond cute and nice within which to operate and choose and I guess I don't have this defeatist idea that might as well not have any standards since I will never date someone who fits them. I am a woman who always has standards and a plan for everything I do. I can be flexible but I don't just live aimlessly. So I always have some clue about what I want and need, what fits me and what won't and don't understand how an adult can expect to date successfully without such ideas...but it also comes from being self-possessed which you don't seem to be.

 

I don't think anyone here can help you to change your fundamental beliefs about yourself and no amount of external suggestions will improve anything. Your threads make for interesting discussion but frankly, I think that's all, as no one can in fact change your fundamental thinking pattern but you. But once your fundamental thinking pattern is the way it is, then you will be stuck in the same loop and treadmill to nowhere new. You should ask your therapist how you can get out of this loop and how you can come to be self-possessed, I think that's the first solution, if there is any, to your dating woes.

 

Good luck!

[Teknoe]

I don't think anyone here can help you to change your fundamental beliefs about yourself and no amount of external suggestions will improve anything. Your threads make for interesting discussion but frankly, I think that's all, as no one can in fact change your fundamental thinking pattern but you. But once your fundamental thinking pattern is the way it is, then you will be stuck in the same loop and treadmill to nowhere new. You should ask your therapist how you can get out of this loop and how you can come to be self-possessed, I think that's the first solution, if there is any, to your dating woes.

 

MissBee, I think you hit the nail on the head. This isn't just true for SD but for many others. Of course, others may be more open-minded than SD and more willing to change, but it boils down to one's fundamental beliefs. No amount of external posts can flip a switch. I think that's why in 6 years SD is still the way he is. We've told him things like make male friends and such, but at the end of the day, if he clearly doesn't want to put in the effort, then no amount of posting will change that.

 

Maybe he doesn't want any male friends. Maybe he'd rather isolate himself. Maybe being around other guys intimidates him, or makes him feel "not good" in some form or fashion. It won't matter, then, how many times we tell him it's healthy to have same sex friends.

 

Similarly, we could tell someone to volunteer more, go to speed dating events, or even convert religions. But it always comes back to the individual and their line of thinking. Nothing changes until the individual changes. Simple as that.

[CrystalCastles]

Eh, I'm not really making any fantasies about these girls, but I'm lonely, and want a girlfriend. I just want to start making the initial steps with a girl for something that can turn into a relationship. But I'm not even getting that far so I'm becoming depressed.

 

Then why are you getting attached? You're not picturing the two of you together, are you?

 

I'm starting to better figure out when a girl means no without saying it. As I said before, if lunch girl doesn't contact me, then I'm done with her. She doesn't have to tell me no, I'll just understand.

 

Good!

 

I know what you are trying to say, but I just don't see that happening with either of these girls.

 

I really can't imagine any of them having a bunch of baggage or turning into a bitch.

 

Ok maybe that was an extreme example, but my point was that you don't know these girls at all. What you know of them through texts and class is just a very tiny fraction of who they really are.

 

Someone once wrote on a thread of mine: people are like onions, there are a lot of layers to them. This is very relevant here. What you're seeing of these girls is just the very outside part. You have no idea if they have what it takes to be a good girlfriend to you. As MissBee pointed out, a girl has to have more than just a cute face and big boobs to make good girlfriend material. You have to be compatible, you have to understand each other, it should be easy to be around her and you wouldn't need to try to make her like you- it would be a natural thing that will happen by itself.

 

I have been single far longer than you have. Believe me, I've tried a great deal of things to get my mind off women.

 

Like what?

 

So far I've been rejected by around 30 women that I've liked. Being rejected by 100 more women isn't exactly going to help me.

 

You're not the only guy, though. People get rejected all the time. It sucks and it doesn't make you feel good when it happens, but you have to try not to take it so personally.

 

What you don't understand is that each new rejection brings me down a little more. Each rejection is essentially a woman telling me that I'm not good enough. Constant rejection hurts. It is the reason for my poor self-esteem.

 

Dude, I know. I've been rejected too, we've all been there and it hurts. But by saying that, you're only making it harder for yourself. 30 women really isn't that much. I know guys who have been rejected by many more. Wallowing isn't going to make you successful.

[ThaWholigan]

I was rejected by 30 women in the space of a couple of months once - that was when my friend took me sarging because he used to do it. 30 isn't that much.

[somedude81]

I was rejected by 30 women in the space of a couple of months once - that was when my friend took me sarging because he used to do it. 30 isn't that much.

 

Not 30 random girls.

 

30 women that I was at least acquaintances with. 30 women that I knew at least as much as lunch girl. A great deal many were friends. A few were my best friend at the time.

 

I don't even count random girls that I've barely spoken to.

[ThaWholigan]

Not 30 random girls.

 

30 women that I was at least acquaintances with. 30 women that I knew at least as much as lunch girl. A great deal many were friends. A few were my best friend at the time.

 

I don't even count random girls that I've barely spoken to.

Either way.

 

30 is really not that many. People do get rejected all the time. It's something we all have to deal with. I've been rejected by girls I really liked for a long time too. At the end of the day though, we have to get over it. I can't be depressed because some girls don't like me.

 

Crystal Castles is right - wallowing ain't gonna help you. You're making it much harder for yourself than it needs to be.

[somedude81]

Either way.

 

30 is really not that many. People do get rejected all the time. It's something we all have to deal with. I've been rejected by girls I really liked for a long time too. At the end of the day though, we have to get over it. I can't be depressed because some girls don't like me.

 

Crystal Castles is right - wallowing ain't gonna help you. You're making it much harder for yourself than it needs to be.

 

So at least on some level you understand what I'm talking about.

 

Depression is the main issue I have to deal with. It's the reason why I react to things differently than you, and differently than most other people as well. The way I view the world is different.

 

I know I'm not meant to be alone and it's something I can't accept.

[Anela]

So at least on some level you understand what I'm talking about.

 

Depression is the main issue I have to deal with. It's the reason why I react to things differently than you, and differently than most other people as well. The way I view the world is different.

 

I know I'm not meant to be alone and it's something I can't accept.

 

I deal with depression, too. You have to seek out other ways of easing it. You can't put that much pressure on a person.

[ThaWholigan]

So at least on some level you understand what I'm talking about.

 

Depression is the main issue I have to deal with. It's the reason why I react to things differently than you, and differently than most other people as well. The way I view the world is different.

 

I know I'm not meant to be alone and it's something I can't accept.

One woman can't heal your depression though. They are people - they can always leave. That will leave you in a constant state of flux and anxiety. That's no way to be. A girlfriend is a bandaid, not a cure.

 

You might look at the world differently, but that doesn't mean you aren't seeking the wrong kind of treatment for your depression.

[thefooloftheyear]

So at least on some level you understand what I'm talking about.

 

Depression is the main issue I have to deal with. It's the reason why I react to things differently than you, and differently than most other people as well. The way I view the world is different.

 

I know I'm not meant to be alone and it's something I can't accept.

 

 

And thats fine....I think anyone can relate...

 

If nothing else, give yourself a break...You are over-trying and its blowing up on you...Its like a football game..Take a time out and make some halftime adjustments..Its like 38-3 and you cant stop them..Your feet are in concrete..Come up with another game plan, because this one isnt working at all...

 

You arent a dumb person...you can do this..

 

TFY

[somedude81]

Also with regard to what Crystal Castle says about you building fantasies and projecting them on to women you don't know, which I also said and tens of others said, you keep saying you understand but clearly don't, the point isn't whether or not these two specific women are really secret bitches or not, so I don't see why you're arguing that point, the point is, you DON'T KNOW THEM WELL! What you know about them is a mere FRACTION of who they are. It's like an iceberg submerged 50 feet below the surface but you've only seen the 10 feet above and assume you know it well when you can't see what's under the water which may be very different from what you see above. It takes a lot more than classroom interactions and random texts to know someone. So you thinking that you doubt they are XYZ way doesn't really mean much...how you THINK someone is and how they actually are once you know them INTIMATELY is not at all the same.

 

No, I don't understand the point you are trying to make.

 

It just doesn't seem realistic that a woman would be a completely different person than from what my impression of her that's been building for a couple months.

 

It's almost as if you are saying that once I get to know them, they will turn out to be horrible people.

 

Even if they aren't bitches it doesn't mean you're compatible...which is how dating goes for most folks. Except for you it seems everyone is compatible if they are a woman, they are cute, they are nice, they are not insane.

 

I just said that I have more factors that I consider than cute and nice. I feel as if nobody is trying to listen to what I'm saying.

 

There are a lot of girls in one dance class. Probably around 20 if not more. Busy girl was the only girl that I actually felt compatible with. To me, there was something about how our personalities meshed that just worked. There were many things that I liked about her. The more I got to know her, the more things I liked about her. And of course there were a couple things that I didn't like so much.

 

However since most people have other criteria to judge compatibility other than not crazy and nice and cute, you will probably see a pattern of women rejecting you or if you date breaking it off if they don't think you're compatible...

 

That should go without saying. If a woman doesn't think we are compatible, she won't go on a date with me.

 

while as I said you'll probably never be the one to break up with a woman because you're just so darn happy to have a relationship so compatibility and other deeper factors don't matter.

 

There are several reasons why I'd break up with a woman. Not being able to find time to spend with me would be a primary reason. Low interest in sex, cheating, game playing etc.

 

you said it, and you seem to think it should work that way for everyone where if they think you are nice and cute they should want you to be their bf too or should stay with you.

 

Of course not.

 

I feel that If a girl thinks I'm cute and nice, she should at least go on one date with me. Then she can get to know me better and see if we are compatible or not.

 

Unfortunately many girls are far more picky than that. They seem to have ridiculous requirements to even get the first date. You'd think I was asking them to have my kids.

 

After a few dates, what other criteria would you need to decide you want to be with her? If you were looking for a wife for example, and not a gf, what would you want?

 

It's hard to express and something that I would just know.

 

My ex girlfriend just had something about her that at the first date I knew that I wanted to be in a serious relationship with her. The fact that we were acquaintances for 5 months before our first date probably helped.

 

For some reason, there have been a very small number of girls that I wanted to skip the whole dating thing and go straight away into a relationship. The majority of other girls I wanted to go on dates with to find out who they are and if we can get along. I can't really explain why I feel differently.

 

Every man I've dated I liked well enough and there were things I simply couldn't know about them without spending time with them or dating them for a period of time, which is why lots of relationships don't work out. As with time you learn more and sometimes what you learn is that you are not compatible. My last bf, we broke up a month ago, things were fine for about the first 3 months but I quickly began to realize how much of a match we weren't even though in the beginning I thought we were so compatible....I based it off of certain more superficial things and of course the infatuation at the beginning. He did check my list in many ways but also didn't in some fundamental ways that I couldn't have found out until after dating him and getting to know him. For me, the more I'm with you it either reveals how good we are together or shows how much we aren't suited for each other.

 

I've only been in one relationship and she turned out to be somebody who I felt to be extremely compatible with and only had a couple of minor issues that didn't really affect anything, for example she never initiated sex, which was a con, but she was always up for it which was a plus, and overwrote the con.

 

She was the only woman that I actually had a third date with, so I can't really relate to short term relationships not working out.

 

Point is: meeting someone in a dance class and texting them a few times or seeing them around, all you have are TID BITS of info and fantasies...even if they don't reveal himself to be an insane person once you know them, You have NO REAL DATA to say you'd be a good match ( if you have standards) and the only thing which will prove it is actually dating them.

 

After how much time should I know if somebody is compatible with me or not? How much compatibility should exist before a relationship forms?

[somedude81]

One woman can't heal your depression though. They are people - they can always leave. That will leave you in a constant state of flux and anxiety. That's no way to be. A girlfriend is a bandaid, not a cure.

 

I wish I knew how to explain how my ex removed all my depression signs when she was with me. All I know that everything I've struggled with before her, were gone. No self-hatred, no anger issues, no insomnia, my confidence was much higher. Everything I've been living with for so long was gone.

 

Of course the results weren't permanent.

 

So while she wasn't a cure, she was a regular treatment that removed all symptoms, just by her being with me. Over time I stopped worrying that she would leave me and I just relaxed and enjoyed being with her.

 

And no, just in case somebody was thinking it, I never tried to control her.

[somedude81]

And thats fine....I think anyone can relate...

TFY

 

 

If nothing else, give yourself a break...You are over-trying and its blowing up on you...Its like a football game..Take a time out and make some halftime adjustments..Its like 38-3 and you cant stop them..Your feet are in concrete..Come up with another game plan, because this one isnt working at all...

 

You arent a dumb person...you can do this..

 

Yeah I'm getting tired.

 

My goal was to get one more girlfriend before I graduated and I haven't even been able to get one date. I've put in so much effort and have just completely failed.

 

It feels like I'm 90 lb 10 year old trying to play against an NFL team. Somehow I've manged to keep getting up, but that energy is running thin.

[Million.to.1]

I wish I knew how to explain how my ex removed all my depression signs when she was with me. All I know that everything I've struggled with before her, were gone. No self-hatred, no anger issues, no insomnia, my confidence was much higher. Everything I've been living with for so long was gone.

 

Of course the results weren't permanent.

 

So while she wasn't a cure, she was a regular treatment that removed all symptoms, just by her being with me. Over time I stopped worrying that she would leave me and I just relaxed and enjoyed being with her.

 

And no, just in case somebody was thinking it, I never tried to control her.

 

But don't you see? When she left it all came back. She WAS the bandaid ThaWholigan is saying, not the cure.

 

Your issues did not GO AWAY. You were just distracted. And it was the core reason Your ex GF left you. You liked her more than she liked you. You needed her to be normal.

 

.....So if all you need is a GF to make all your issues go away, and your check list is cute and nice, why don't you just get a mail-order bride?

[organizedchaos]

MissBee, I think you hit the nail on the head. This isn't just true for SD but for many others. Of course, others may be more open-minded than SD and more willing to change, but it boils down to one's fundamental beliefs. No amount of external posts can flip a switch. I think that's why in 6 years SD is still the way he is. We've told him things like make male friends and such, but at the end of the day, if he clearly doesn't want to put in the effort, then no amount of posting will change that.

 

Maybe he doesn't want any male friends. Maybe he'd rather isolate himself. Maybe being around other guys intimidates him, or makes him feel "not good" in some form or fashion. It won't matter, then, how many times we tell him it's healthy to have same sex friends.

 

Similarly, we could tell someone to volunteer more, go to speed dating events, or even convert religions. But it always comes back to the individual and their line of thinking. Nothing changes until the individual changes. Simple as that.

 

I live about 30 minutes from SD. A few months ago I offered to drive down and just hang out, grab a beer, and talk. Gave him my number. Never took me up on it.

[Million.to.1]

I live about 30 minutes from SD. A few months ago I offered to drive down and just hang out, grab a beer, and talk. Gave him my number. Never took me up on it.

 

It's because you don't have boobs.