Visiting Her More Than She Can Visit Me

[blackendangel13]

Driver, I am in a similar situation myself. My boyfriend only lives about 35 miles from me but it is a constant battle over him driving to see me. This is how I handle it everytime he pulls the same stunt.

 

When he cancels on me last minute because he doesn't feel like driving I tell him that he is being ****ty. I tell him flat out to his face that he can't treat me that way. Do not back down. If you are meant to be together you will grow together. I have no problem telling my boyfriend whats wrong. It sounds like you have a problem being open with your boyfriend and rocking the boat since you told him via email you would not see him instead of over the phone. If you do not confront problems head on they will fester and ruin you. I had a problem telling my ex things and obviously it didn't work. If he truly loves you and respects (this is the most important) your feelings he will understand where you are coming from.

 

When my boyfriend doesn't feel like coming out, I don't cave and go see him. I go out with my friends or watch a movie. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and guaranteed after a week of not seeing me, he is tripping over himself to come over.

 

The point is you should not have to apologize to him for how you feel. You are not apologizing for not seeing him and being stubborn, you are apologizing to him that you feel he is being unfair. You have every right to feel that way. If you are meant to be together you will work through these feelings. The more times you do all the driving the more you will resent it, believe me. I did it for weeks. Its not the end of the world to be alone on a Saturday night.

 

Hope this helps.

[FoolishDriver]

blackenedangel113 - thank you for sharing your experience. I could not say no if my bf was not willing to see me for me to drive to see him instead. My situation would not allow that to happen...

 

I will be going to visit him tonight. I am still at work and still have to go home to change etc. He was nice to email that I can leave after traffic dies down. I really don't know what to do - if I complain, he will want to leave me. We had that problem a few weeks ago and I was so devestated and do not want to go through that again. On the other hand, I am so upset that I am the only one who drives and he has never seen my place.

 

Over the weekend he offered to come fix my computer if it ever breaks down since he is good with computers - I was literally shocked that he offered to come see "me" (more like the computer) and was wishing it would break down if that is what it would take for him to drive to my place. I was reading some other posts in the other forum and it says how there are few good eligible male catches so women have to compete for them and do/give more than they receive if that is what it takes to get one so I guess I am in that position and it makes me feeling better thinking about that. If I don't do and go through what I am doing, there will be another woman who would be willing to do that for him...

[blackendangel13]

I could not say no if my bf was not willing to see me for me to drive to see him instead. My situation would not allow that to happen...

 

You need to be strong and be able to say no. Regardless of who it is. Don't let this man make you feel that you can't tell him no.

 

I really don't know what to do - if I complain, he will want to leave me

 

Sweetie than I say screw him! I wanted to be more vulgar than that but LS won't let me. lol. If you can not complain to your boyfriend or tell him you are not happy than you are not in a healthy relationship. I don't want to be sound mean, but this is not a healthy relationship. I can tell from how depressed you are that its not healthy and the driving can/does/will continue to bother you. He is controlling you and nothing possitive will come of the longer you continue to be controlled by him. Until you are stronger, try driving to see your family. They will appreciate your efforts much more than this guy seems to.

 

Over the weekend he offered to come fix my computer if it ever breaks down since he is good with computers - I was literally shocked that he offered to come see "me" (more like the computer) and was wishing it would break down if that is what it would take for him to drive to my place.

 

If this is what it takes to get him to see you, let it go. I know its hard, but this guy is not worth it and you know it. If he was, you wouldn't have these doubts. Being along is NOT the end of the world. Its hard at first but from the way he treats you, you are already alone. Pleanty of hot computer repair men are only a phone call away

 

I was reading some other posts in the other forum and it says how there are few good eligible male catches so women have to compete for them and do/give more than they receive if that is what it takes to get one so I guess I am in that position and it makes me feeling better thinking about that. If I don't do and go through what I am doing, there will be another woman who would be willing to do that for him...

 

 

A) This is not a good eligible man

B) No woman will be willing to do it for long

 

You need to level the playing field with him or leave. If you don't you will continue on your downward spiral and become severely depressed. I was there. I put up with more bull**** from my ex and it took me a year to walk away. In the time I could have spent getting over him, I was depressed and miserable with him. I could have been out there finding the love of my life. Please don't make the same mistake. Sorry if anything sounds mean, I just don't want to see another go down this road.

[JazzyFox]

Foolish,

 

He does not love you.

 

Can we be any clearer?

[RecordProducer]

He is your drugs - makes you feel good but is harmful. Why don't you just talk to him about what's bothering you? Can't you see how cruel he is to you? If you say a word, he will punish you. Have some self-respect! This is so sad...

Just invite him to your house. Tell him you're sick, you have a fever. You'll see, he won't come. Do you really think he loves you? Do you think it's normal for someone to love and be so insensitive?

If you like being in a relationship where all you're receiving is his dick then it's your choice. Good luck to you! (Hope you open your eyes and freeze your heart for at least a moment)

[aaron425]

I feel sorry for you Foolish because you really are being used. He doesn't care for you. YOU apologized and he didn't even take any of the blame!?!?!?! And it wasn't even your fault to begin with?!?! I've been reading Dr. Ruth--she describes several problematic types of relationships; one is called the "doormat" relationship--one of the people is being used. The worst part about it, she notes, is that you're losing precious time while serving as a doormat because you don't make yourself available to all of the great men out there with whom you could form a healthy relationship.

 

Why won't he come to visit you? I think people in love make sacrifices for the other person. Can you name any sacrifices that he's made for you? He STILL hasn't visited you even once in your new house! This guy isn't sacrificing ANYTHING for you; all the sacrifice in the relationship is one-way.

 

This guy isn't one of the good men you should trying to hold onto. As much as it hurts, you've GOT to break free of him and find someone who will truly love you.

[SueBee3490]

My current H and I were in a long distance relationship.

 

We lived 450 miles apart and he came to see me more often than I. We were both divorced and since his ex lived in the same town she could watch his 2 kids every other weekend or pretty much however they wanted to divide up the time. My ex passsed away and since I had 3 children I couldn't get away as much (no father to take them) so I was limited on the times I could go to his home.

 

I told him more than once maybe this wasn't a good idea - I can't visit him as often as he can me. He swore that didn't matter - he didn't want to break up. I did other things for him (such as baking him all kinds of homemade cakes, cookies, etc. to take back home and share with his kids) and not to mention good homemade meals. I bought things for his kids, etc. So I don't think being the one with the advantage of traveling to your partner's home is the only way to show the other person you care about them.

 

I wish I would have followed through on breaking up with him. We did get married only for me to find out he had been cheating on me the whole time. So as you can see, I sacrificed turning down dates and being "just with him" when the only thing he sacrificed was "driving the miles". In the long run, I lost more than he did.

[aaron425]

I'm so sorry to hear about your current circumstances, SueBee! What a turn your posting took from the second to third paragraphs! I really hope your marriage begins to change for the better.

 

I appreciate your voice of experience. As my relationship is progressing, the imbalance of visits hasn't seemed to be a problem. That might be because we're making active plans to make it a shorter distance. We're both at a good relocation point in our careers (both of us were looking to relocate even before we met). So now we're looking at various locations that work for both of our careers and are places we'd enjoy living in. We're not necessarily talking about living together yet (way too early for that)--only about living in the same area. Also, I feel like our communication is very good, so that an imbalance such as visits won't have as large a negative impact as it might for others.

 

Anyway, thanks for sharing your LDR experience.

[SueBee3490]

Aaron,

Good luck on your situation and your present relationship. Your plans to move closer to each other sound like a good idea (before actually moving in together). I found out the hard way that sometimes when there are that many miles between you, you assume the other person would have the morals and respect for you that you have for them. I assumed my boyfriend would be faithful to me (because he claimed to love me) in between our visits. We even talked about waiting the 5 years until his youngest was out of high school before making a move. My kids now are 20, 16, and 11. His are 19 and 16. So at that time (3 yrs ago) with his youngest graduating, we thought then he could move to my home state. I was fine with that - he was not. He really didn't want to move here but wanted me to move there. I had a stable job whereas he is an owner/operator of his own truck so he could pretty much move around and get a job anywhere.

 

Anyway, funny, but my H and I also met online. We chatted everyday for 3 months before he came to see me for the first time. We then progressed to talking every night on the phone. As I said before, he could come to see me more than I could see him. I felt so bad and often asked if he wanted to break up because of this. He told me that the miles didn't matter he wanted to still see me. I fell in love with him and really didn't even get back on the computer (I just chatted or phoned ONLY him). Little did I know that he continued to chat with other women and even met some on the computer. I mistakenly took his willingness to drive the 450 miles as a sign that I was the only woman in his life along with his "I love you" and "I'm so glad I found you". I found out that he also drove a large number of miles to see these women too so the "driving the miles" to see me didn't mean anything. He drove alot of miles to see some of these women. Stupid of me huh?

 

I work in a college and one time a student was doing a paper on "online dating" and knew I had met my boyfriend online. She wanted to know if she could ask me questions for her paper. I was more than happy to abide because at that time I thought he was as faithful to me as I was to him. I recommended it to people. Now I look back and remember her saying that I was the ONLY person she had talked to who met their love online in which it worked out. Everyone else she talked to, the romance fell through. Wish I could go back and tell her that mine was also a disaster only I didn't know it then.

 

We did find a house in my hometown and he moved here and we got married. All along he has claimed he cheated because of the stress of moving. Of course he was cheating all along, so when we were just dating there wasn't even talk of who was to move where. His excuse didn't hold water. I told him that the cheating had nothing to do with moving away from his kids - one has nothing to do with the other. He seems genuinely sorry but I've found out so much in the last 2 years of what he was doing behind my back, that I think he's done way too much damage to our relationship to repair it.

 

For some people LDR work out. Like for me, I was fine with seeing him every few weeks. That gave me time to do other things with my kids. For him, I think he is just a cheater. I don't know whether miles apart had anything to do with it. He claimed he never cheated on his wife or never cheated on her when they were dating. Of course, she lived in the same town.

 

So good luck on your situation, I think it can work out if you keep the communication open. I told him so many times, if he just would have told me what was going on, he would have saved me this heartache. Believe me it hurts.

SueBee

[zoonbaby]

FoolishDriver: As I read through this thread, your posts reminded me of myself a year ago. I dated a boy for 3 years in college, and we were unable to find jobs in the same town. He found a job in our home town, and I found a job in a tiny podunk town 3.5 hours away. At first, we broke up from the stress of the distance (and other problems - our relationship was not that healthy to begin with - we were kind of codependent). Then, when he found out that I had a new boyfriend, he was all about coming to visit me and getting me back right away. He brought my flowers and took me out to dinner. I took him back. As the year passed, he probably visited me 3-4 times, and I went down every other weekend that he couldn't come see me. He had a million excuses - there was a bachelor party, he was having trouble at work, he was moving. By the end of the year, we were fighting all of the time. I felt used and resentful that I was doing all of the work and paying for all of the gas. He started giving me money to come down, and then I felt like a prostitute at the end of the weekend when he'd hand me my $20. Finally, he called me on the phone one night and said he wanted to see other people. I was heartbroken, just as you were a couple of weeks ago when you realized how shallow your bf was and how disposable you were to him. But I went out and bought cheesy books like "How to Mend Your Broken Heart" and "How to Exorcise Your Ex" and took an extra part-time job to use my extra time. I drank a lot of wine coolers, but caught up with friends, went on lots of walks, layed out, read a ton of great books. Watched all six seasons of "Sex and the City." Journaled for hours at a time. And the hurt lessened, bit by bit. I started dating a guy I've known for years and who I knew liked me. He lives 2.5 hours away, but he drove to see me all the time. He told me there was not other place he'd rather be. We've been dating for about 10 months, and we each drive to see each other (we're both teachers, so we try to accomodate each other's schedules when there is coaching and stuff going on that we have to be there for). This summer I am moving a bit closer to him, and he is looking for a job in that area. So I guess what I mean to say is that when I finally accepted that my ex didn't really love me, I opened myself up for a great new man. And the knowledge that I didn't really mean that much to my ex after nearly 4 years still stings, but at least I didn't waste any more time with him. There's nothing that anyone on here can say to help you to make up your mind, but if this guy is using you, it's going to hurt you a lot more in the end. Get out now, while you can salvage some dignity!

[FoolishDriver]

I appreciate the feedback and everyone sharing their experiences. It helps that I'm not alone and there are others to listen or who have gone through similar experiences.

 

aaron45 - I'm happy things are going well in your situation and that you will at some time move closer together and that you don't mind doing most of the driving.

 

zzonbaby - what you describe sounds so much like my situation. Sometimes I too have to drink a lot of wine to get through the pain I feel. I was broken up last week. On Friday he emailed for me not to drive to see him, that he was working late. I went crazy, like he coudn't even call or give me more notice, as if he takes me for granted.

 

I sent an email complaining. He never wrote back! Saturday I was literally feeling sick about it, couldn't eat, do anything and curled up thinking how I could not feel as horrible as I was. I was wondering if he went out with someone else. How coudl he work last minute on a Friday night, even though he said it was on a movie shoot, last minute call etc.

 

So then he calls me around 6pm and asks if I'd like to visit him. I say yes, acting like everything is ok and before you know it, even though I was so mad, I am at his place late that night.

 

He used to email every day and call every night. Monday and Tuesday he never called or emailed. Today I was getting more worried, so I emailed him this afternoon asking how he's doing. He wrote back asking for me to visit him tonight. It is 7:30pm, I am just getting off work, still have to go home, shower, eat and by the time I get to his place it will be 11pm and I will have to drive back 6am. He hasn't been having sex with me lately either, just once in the past month.

 

I don't know what is going on. I don't want to spill this all out but am basicly getting it out of my system so that i don't have a breakdown. Thanks for being there to listen.

[blackendangel13]

Foolish I am so sorry things are turning out this way. You are giving this guy an inch and he is taking miles. I know it hurts but you need to get out, now! You are already hurting and I would bet money on the time that you are with him things are not all ok. I am sure you are harboring feelings and who could blame you because you feel you can't talk to your boyfriend because he will freak. He honestly sounds like a p.o.s. to me if he expects you to go to his house @ 11 and leave at 6 am. That is really inconsiderate on his part. Not to mention you have said that he is inconsiderate in other areas too. Look at it this way, you say "I can't leave him because it will hurt too much". Well what are you doing now? You are hurting too much. Dump this guy and let the stress go. I was with a man who took lightyears for every inch I gave him and everyone could tell. I was stressed, sad, and physically a lot less attractive than I am now. This was because of the stress level he was causing me. You don't deserve it and he doesn't deserve you.

[FoolishDriver]

Well, it's not llike nobody warned me. I kept thinking he would change, be more considerate, make the effort to come visit me, or at least appreciate more that I do all the driving and sacrifice. Slowly he was calling and emailing me less and less often and he didn't seem as excited to see me when he did, which was scaring me and making me worried.

 

I asked if he was seeing someone else, he got very upset and denied it and said he would tell me if he was, so I thought ok, it's my insecurities. I think a lot of you can relate how difficult it can be to be in a LDR and when they are not there for you as much as you want them to be, especially emotionally, it can be very difficult to deal with.

 

Last week he told me that he was going to visit his family on the fifth. He repeated this over the weekend when we were together (yes, as usual I've still been driving to see him). Lately he doesn't call and email every day, which has been very very difficult for me to deal with. Every Wed. I would also drive to see him, so I thought that would be the case tonight.

 

All of a sudden I get an email from him, stating that he is in X town (family's), how the weather is, etc. I am still in shock. This was just a couple of hours ago. I felt my heart sink and was/am in shock. I emailed back that I thought he was leaving on the fifth, that I don't like to be so close to someone yet so clueless about their personal lives, that he doesn't even call to share things with and find out how my day is going and as a result something like this happens, that I don't want to deal with this anymore, etc.

 

I wrote back over an hour ago and he hasn't responded. He HATES these types of emails and prefers we talk about any problems. I hope I didn't over-react and that this should've been one of those emails you save to your draft instead of sending off... I am feeling so sick and upset I had to come here to express my feelings. I have nobody to talk to. He doesn't even call after getting the email. He will either get mad and agree not to see me anymore, or ??

 

Did I over-react?? Is it ok he left a day earlier than I thought he was going to without him saying by or calling first? I don't want to be clingy but it seems like basic stuff one should be aware of about their SO. Please, any feedback would be appreciated. I feel so hurt and don't know what to do....

[JazzyFox]

Foolishdriver:

 

Try and step back from the situation and look at it as a whole. You will see that you are being used, when and how it suits him best.

 

Perhaps if this was just an isolated incident, I might not make the same conclusion. But there is a distinctive pattern going on. And you wouldn't be on here and writing about it if you didn't agree.

 

What I don't understand is that your posts are all practically identitical, our responses are all the same, yet you refuse to let go, and you continue to play the victim.

 

The question now, is no longer what is wrong with him, but what is wrong with you?

[scammy]

hey jazzy foxy

I have been reading this post for a week.

There is nothing wrong with her except she is co- dependant.

Lighten up we are suppose to be empowering each other.

 

Foolish what makes you like this guy so much?

Really sit down make a list of his good points ...

Then a list of his bad points?

Being in a unbalanced relationship is never easy.

 

Do you have any friends? Go out don't sit at home!

Make friends and keep you chin up...

It sounds as though this bf of yours is not going to change.

He can't be a man on an emotional level and it not your job to teach him how.

If you can't live without him just remember this.

Men are the most happy in a relationship when they have a purpose??

and that purpose is to make the woman they are with happy.

If they can not do this then they will lose interest and well you know....

I have been in a few relationships like yours and I finally had enough.

BF now can be a rat lol....

but can't everyone be at one time or another....

but he is nothing like the past few....

Start dating again as much as it kills you make yourself go out to dinner..

I had dinner with allot of Frogs before I found this BF.

If he gets creepy on me I will fling myself from the boat back

into the water so too say.

Lets put it this way I posted on here and was told to get rid of him.

Well I kept him but I did not sit at home

I went out and lived my life the last week.

It killed me I wanted to call him to talk it all out but you know what?

Sometimes things just can't be worked out.

This relationship was unbalanced for you from the beggining...

Just learn from this take notes if you must because I see me in your post and you have a few more heartaches to go..

But that is ok becasue dating is like a hockey game...

Dates are like shooting for the goal.....

when you first start you miss..

way far way

But the more you try, the closer you will get to the goal.

but that is only done by trying...

[FoolishDriver]

Originally posted by JazzyFox

What I don't understand is that your posts are all practically identitical, our responses are all the same, yet you refuse to let go, and you continue to play the victim.

 

The question now, is no longer what is wrong with him, but what is wrong with you?

What's wrong with me is that over a long period of time I fell in love with someone who I am finding out may have been using me all these years. That's what's wrong with ME. So now I am hurting and desperate to feel better, not playing the victim. You're lucky you haven't been in my situation. It sucks to love someone and try to deal with them instead of not having such strong feelings and being able to walk away when they treat you a way you don't like, especially when before you couldn't see that things were bad, being blinded.

 

My posts may be identical, but the repeated responses I am getting comforts me and is actually helping me to feel better and make the right choices. I have not contacted him in over a week now, which I have not done before. It's hard to see fault with people you love and when you do, it is very painful and not so easy for some like me to deal with and move on.

 

scammy, thanks for your support and feedback. No, I don't have any friends. I am always busy working and when I get home, I am too exhausted to go out to meet people.That's why this is especially painful - before he would call me in the evenings and i had that to look forward to and ever since he gradually stopped calling, it has been very difficult. I wonder what is wrong with me, why he is starting to feel different, when all along I am realizing I am the one who has been, as JazzyFox said, used.

[RecordProducer]

This is not love. Love is a mutual thing. It may be unconditional toward our kids and MAYBE siblings and parents. But loving a "nobody" unconditionally is ridiculous and stupid.

If you would train yourself to respect yourself and walk away from people who treat you bad, you wouldn't have a problem with anyone using you.

See, if you found out that he killed your mother (god forbid), would you still be in love with him? Of course not! So it's just a matter of tolerance. What he is doing to you is not so wrong in your eyes.

You can have a man who adores you and who sacrifices for you. You can have true love. Maybe soon. Maybe later. But as long as you're with this man, who is not an ass, he simply doesn't care about you and is superficial enough to pull your nose unintentionally, you're letting many good men pass by and hook up with other women, but not with you.

You're not in an exclusive relationship with this guy obviously. You don't even have the right to ask him where he's been and with whom.

[FoolishDriver]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

This is not love.

I respect everyone's brutal honesty on this thread. Ouch, it hurts, but I have to face the music. When your feelings are invested in someone, and they "make love" to you and you think they love you, boy is it a hard one to discover after a long time that they are using you, sleeping with others and you've been a fool.

 

Some of the responses initially made me very upset (JazzyFox and RecordProducer come to mind) but we have to be adults and accept the truth if it hurts, and not live in a make-believe reality just because it feels good.

 

This is one of the most difficult periods of my life to be going through this, but like you all say, we learn and move on. Maybe I can get over this in the near future and be strong enough to meet someone who will really love me without question.

 

Thanks to you all. You have been very helpful at a time when I needed to get responses from others, which I don't have in my life. The only immediate bright side I can see right now is saving on some gas money.

 

I'm very sensitive and emotional and know that I am going to be depressed over this for a long long long time but all the pain I've gone through since my first post exactly 2 months ago, on March 12, will maybe one day be gone and I'll be a stronger person and no longer a fool.

[60sdreamgirl]

You can have a man who adores you and who sacrifices for you. You can have true love. Maybe soon. Maybe later. But as long as you're with this man, who is not an ass, he simply doesn't care about you and is superficial enough to pull your nose unintentionally, you're letting many good men pass by and hook up with other women, but not with you.

 

A-MEN to that !!!!!!!

[JazzyFox]

Originally posted by FoolishDriver

What's wrong with me is that over a long period of time I fell in love with someone who I am finding out may have been using me all these years. That's what's wrong with ME. So now I am hurting and desperate to feel better, not playing the victim. You're lucky you haven't been in my situation.

 

Oh I've been in your situation FoolishDriver. Except my folly was 12 hour plane rides.

 

Let's look back at some of the themes of your previous posts:

 

Originally posted by FoolishDriver

I have been doing all of the driving weekly to visit my boyfriend (…) I have to admit that deep down I am beginning to resent doing this

Originally posted by FoolishDriver

I have given my boyfriend money to buy cigarettes on many occassions and other things too. It makes me feel cheapened

Originally posted by FoolishDriver

Even when I bought a brand new house all on my own, just because it is a somewhat long drive away, he has never come to see it. I was puzzled and shocked at first

Originally posted by FoolishDriver

I just grow so much resentment lately

Originally posted by FoolishDriver

Things are going downhill ever since I emailed I couldn't drive that one day....it is driving me insane, I am so hurt, I can't believe this behavior from him.

Originally posted by FoolishDriver

I am desperate not to feel the pain I am in.

Originally posted by FoolishDriver

I feel like my heart is smashed up.

Originally posted by FoolishDriver

I wish I could just die, I can't handle all this pain and the way things have gone down. I am started to feel so angry at the same time and still am not able to believe what is happening.

Originally posted by FoolishDriver

I have started to drink and am making my life worse.

Originally posted by FoolishDriver

Saturday I was literally feeling sick about it, couldn't eat, do anything and curled up thinking how I could not feel as horrible as I was.

 

yet despite the obvious:

Originally posted by FoolishDriver

I got back together with my bf. I was too miserable and alone without him.

Originally posted by FoolishDriver

if I complain, he will want to leave me.

Originally posted by FoolishDriver

I have nobody to talk to.

 

Here is an extract from the National Mental Health Association (http://www.nmha.org)

 

[font=courier new]Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:

 

An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.

A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.

A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.

A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts.

An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.

An extreme need for approval and recognition.

A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.

A compelling need to control others.

Lack of trust in self and/or others.

Fear of being abandoned or alone.

Difficulty identifying feelings.

Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.

Problems with intimacy/boundaries.

Chronic anger.

Lying/dishonesty.

Poor communications

Difficulty making decisions.

 

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-DependencyThis condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

 

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?

3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?

4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?

5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?

6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?

7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?

8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?

9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?

10. Have you ever felt inadequate?

11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?

12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?

13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?

14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?

15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?

16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?

17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?

18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?

19. Do you have trouble asking for help?

20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

 

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

 

 

How is Co-Dependency Treated?

Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.[/font]

 

 

Hope this helps FoolishDriver

[FoolishDriver]

This is interesting. I always considered myself independent, but I fit into the category of a co-dependent. I didn't even know that was a psychological problem. Now I have to figure out if my dependency drove him away or was it that he didn't love me. I alwalys thought he did, but I can see now that I can't function without him and get upset when he is with friends, goes away or doesn't call me. The more upset I would get, the more he would cut off ties with me. I wish I could rewind time and have been different. Thanks for the info JF. It is very helpful to see my symptoms in print.

[FoolishDriver]

I've been drinking very heavily and feel very depressed. I don't know how to get over this and if others have felt this way, what do they do?

[radhattr]

hi foolishdriver,

 

i just read the full thread, and all i can say is you didn't lose much. the best thing you can do for yourself if you are finding the need to drink heavily is to get out and exercise. a LOT. the endorphins produced from exericse, any kind, will get you "high" and relieve the emotional pain, and will also make you feel so much better about yourself. don't succumb to drinking over this guy, it is TOTALLY not worth it.

[FoolishDriver]

Originally posted by radhattr

the best thing you can do for yourself if you are finding the need to drink heavily is to get out and exercise.

Thanks for reading everything and for your feedback. I have nver felt this low before. I wake up and start drinking, can't go to work todaya nd I feel so depressed and miserable, rejected, hurt, used and stupid. Mayabe it will go away over time. I am in no mood to run or do absolutely anything. I feel like my body has shut down and all I feel is sadness. I cry, feel anger and wish I wasn't told and fooled to believe I was loved by someone who has been using me for so long. Maybe if I had friends they'd have pointed this out to me earlier and I wouldn't find myself in this pathetic situation. At least I can post my feelings here and it makes me feel less alone.

[radhattr]

yeah, but EMPOWER yourself. you are so much better off without this jerk!

 

in addition, alcohol is a depressant, so it's numbing your feelings but is just going to make you feel worse in the end......

 

even though you don't feel like it, put on your running shoes, or head out to the gym, or just take a walk, and CRY YOUR EYES OUT while you do it if you want, but before you know it, you'll be feeling better,

 

you need to treat yourself with respect, because he clearly wasn't and you deserve more than that.

 

GO! right now! go outside and do some exercise, you'll feel so much better, even if you have to force yourself to start.

 

is there something you really like doing? go do it!

how about treating yourself to a spa treatment.......?

 

 

 

believe me, the more you sit around and mope, the worse you are going to feel.

you are so lucky to be done with that guy. i know you don't know it now, but it's opened you up to finding someone who is really going to care for you. sounds like, to me, you were a convenient booty call that he didn't have to work for (and of course, i don't mean that as a cruel statement, just realize that you deserve more than that.

 

 

i just dumped my boyfriend on friday, and a big reason was for the same damn thing......i was ALWAYS going to his house and he was never coming to mine.......and even when i told him that it was something that mattered to me, even if it was just now and then (didn't even have to be 50/50) and he just blew off my needs and didn't change. i love him very much, but i'm not putting up with that kind of crap. if someone won't make any concessions for you early on in the relationship, it's only going to get WORSE as time progresses. i'm holding out for the RIGHT relatiosnhip.