Fell victim to Commitment Phobe... Day 6 of No Contact

[shortnsweet79]

Hi everyone,

 

I found this site while reading google articles on commitment phobes. I never even knew what a CP was until this relationship. Typical textbook situation that I've read online a million times in the past week: things were going great, he's "the one"! I'm "the one!" Even talked about getting married and the logistics etc.. then BAM.. midway through our weekend visit together ( we live an hour apart) he suddenly says he doesn't know how he feels or if he will ever be able to give me what I want/ feel the same way I do. WTF? HUH? We have been telling each other how amazing each is and what the other means to the other... how are we suddenly not on the same page?

 

So I walked away from it. Heartbroken. Shattered. Broken. I'm ANGRY and so hurt. How can someone do this to another human being? People with CP know in the back of their mind that the relationship is temporary.. but they are playing with other people's TRUE emotions. I am so confused and messed up in my head right now.

 

I'm 35, a single mom... I really thought this was the guy. Just never felt like this before.. then I read that this whole fascade is bascially their M.O.! They swoop in.. give you the world, then say, "ah man.. just kidding".

 

So here I am. Trying to do the no-contact thing. I deleted the app he set me up on so I could follow his bike rides (he cycles for fun). No need in seeing his feed update every day with his life going on as normal while mine is standing still.

 

So hurt. I have really enjoyed reading posts on this board and am looking forward to talking with others and filling some of the time constructively working through my emotions instead of just sitting around crying like a pathetic loser. So lost in all of this.

 

I have a wonderful church & church family, great job with co-workers I love, and amazing children who are my world. I'm going to be focusing on all of these things. So hard.. every day there is a reminder of something he said, something we did, a movie we watched, SOMETHING. And it boils my blood and then sends me into a pool of tears.

 

I've ordered the books "Men who can't love" and "He's Scared, She's Scared". I'm hoping they will be helpful in the healing.

[spiderowl]

So sorry to hear about your experience. Did he go no contact or was it you? I do wonder whether some of these people suddenly start to feel trapped and panic. If you had been less 'interested' would he still be there do you think?

 

Not that it helps at all, I know. I was really hurt by a guy who was talking about the future, said he loved me, all that kind of stuff, and then suddenly backtracked once I decided he really did care and maybe there was something special here after all. Up to that point, I'd been a bit distant and unsure. I think some can't cope with their declarations being reciprocated because they are pushing for something and then you stop pushing back and accept them. It's as if they fall on their face then and panic.

 

It's no help, I know, but he could have done the same further down the line when there were children involved and left you in an even worse position. I know the hurt is still the same. In some ways you've had a lucky escape in that he was not genuine with you or he wouldn't have said what he did beforehand. Ultimately, he is a guy who backs out rather than a stand-up guy who is there by your side. I hope when you recover from this, that the experience will help you to recognise a true stand-up guy for you.

[ConfusedHere1]

So sorry you are going through this. I know exactly what you are going through, as I am in the same boat at the moment. I can tell you that I've read "Men who can't love" and it was very eye-opening for me.

[blackcat777]

All I can tell you is... you are definitely not alone, although I know it's probably not that comforting at the moment. I'm so sorry you had to experience this.

 

I was in (what I thought was) the best relationship of my life, and my ex did the same thing to me. It does make me question how seriously he took things the entire time. It makes my skin crawl to think about the way he'd say my whole name and tell me that he loved me during sex. He was the one pushing to live together, talked about what we'd name our cats.

 

Poof. Gone. No explanation.

 

I stopped counting NC days, I'm a little over the two month mark and not a word from him. Not one.

 

I can't figure it out. The best thing for me, at this point, is being okay with never really being able to figure it out. I gave everything my all and did right by me, which means no regrets on my deathbed...

 

I find Renee Wade's blog inspiring. She talks about learning to rediscover one's feminine energy, being completely full and happy with oneself, and using those positive vibes to filter out men who won't really commit.

 

The good news is, we will all eventually compost the pain and feel better. Really early on I felt best crying whenever I needed to cry. Hugs.

[shortnsweet79]

I guess that's the confusing bit about commitment phobes.. you think the things happening are supposed to happen in a really great relationship. For me.. absolutely EVERY shred of what I was experiencing was PERFECT!

 

We both agreed we didn't want to bring our kids into the mix just yet. He hadn't said "I love you", but had written "love, me" in a card he packed in my suitcase one weekend. I thought things were headed in that direction. He was telling me he had said the Love word to one other girl and that he didn't really feel it.. he did it too soon and only because he thought their relationship would be better.

 

There were also two other women he had let meet his son. I never met his son though he and I talked about this great married future we'd have with all of our kids together.

 

I don't know what the trigger was. I just know that I can't imagine we'd get together.. no matter how wonderful and perfect I think/thought he is/was. I felt in my heart that he was THE ONE... but now I don't know what to think. Hard to get past all the smoke and mirrors to know what was real and what was not. I can't trust a guy who just drops out altogether for no reason. No warning. No fights, no nothing.. just "I don't know if I can match your feelings or if I ever will". Again.. WTF. How is that possible after texting me just nights before that I'm the one God made for you and how you can't wait to fall asleep with me every night and spend our lives together.

 

Shaking my head. Oh I feel so little and stupid. The worst part is this.. he admitted to me that he always "does this". He always ruins the relationships. He sabotages them. So... he KNOWS his patterns and DOES. IT. ANYWAY. It's not fair to the women involved.

 

I'm still incredibly sad but I'm really angry now too. Today is the first day I haven't sobbed like a baby over this loss. How am I supposed to know what THE ONE looks like now? With all these lunatics running around.. how are you supposed to KNOW anything is real anymore?????

[spiderowl]

Really sorry shortnsweet. It's horrible when someone is declaring how much you mean to them (even if it's not the 'L' word) and then disappears. Admitting that he always does this, tells you that you are not the only one, but it still hurts bad.

 

To the OP and S&S, did either of these guys drop hints by their language that they weren't into commitment, like for example, saying they'd dumped others or were there signs of frequent relationship changes. Was there anything else which might have been an unintended subconscious warning to you?

 

As an example, a woman I know was interested in a guy who seemed interested in her but mentioned former relationships and how long they'd lasted. He said at one point "What does that tell you?" She didn't really take this on board. Sure enough, he opted out of the relationship with her, having expressed interest and kept in touch.

Edited October 27, 2014 by spiderowl

[blackcat777]

I'm the one God made for you and how you can't wait to fall asleep with me every night and spend our lives together

 

And then POOF. It's the worst mind-job ever. I feel like, in the future, it will be easily to be vigilant about this stuff, solely in that I severely decrease the speed I invest in a relationship.

 

Honestly, I never understood the "no sex before marriage" thing until I was hurt like this. Maybe until marriage is unrealistic, but no sex (and equivalent deep emotionally involving things) until there is serious commitment. This is the one life lesson I took away from it all. Mine was definitely a whirlwind romance.

 

Shaking my head. Oh I feel so little and stupid. ... how are you supposed to KNOW anything is real anymore?????

 

I have moments where I feel so humiliated I don't even want to talk to anyone about it. BUT, it isn't fair to ourselves if we give up forever. We deserve love, lots of it! There's someone better out there, and it sounds cliche, but bad experiences make you cherish the good ones even more. I'd like to think of myself as being that much more open and receptive to something positive--in part through refusing to hold on to people that hurt me.

 

I was talking about how people bail with a girlfriend who went through a rough breakup. She told me the story of another couple who lived together. The man proposed to the woman; rather than saying no, the woman climbed out the window and disappeared into the night, never to speak to the man again. Left her stuff and everything. (My friend knows the WOMAN who did this!) But the point is, that's not the kind of person you want to have on your side.

[walkingonair]

I know what you're going through!I've dated a commitmentphobe in the past and it was hell and I'm dating one again.I guess I date these guys cause I'm a commitmentphobe myself Your guy will be back.You just have to not contact him at all.Give it about a few weeks to a month.These guys are scared.They really want a relationship but at the same time they're scared.So they run and when they run they only think about themselves so they come off as very selfish and narcisstic but that's because they have a phobia and when people are afraid of something,they do things that seem selfish.When he calms down a bit and realizes you're not chasing him,he will be back because he wont feel that panic feeling anymore.

[shortnsweet79]

Do you really think he will come back?

 

Do you think the things he said were ever true? Do commitment phobes actually mean what they are saying WHEN they are saying them? That's the bit that confuses me.

 

The guy I dated before him did THE same things but I didn't care enough to do any research or questioning after our break. He never came back so I guess I'm expecting the same from my most recent ex.

 

This is all so hard for me to accept because I truly feel in my heart that he is THE one. That's why I'm wondering if what he said were based on real feelings and intentions or if it was all a lie or a game.

 

He was so heartbroken when we broke up.. cried and cried. Said he was sorry and that I deserved more and that he didn't mean to hurt me. UGH! WHY then??? Why run from what you want the most???

[walkingonair]

Do you really think he will come back?

 

Do you think the things he said were ever true? Do commitment phobes actually mean what they are saying WHEN they are saying them? That's the bit that confuses me.

 

The guy I dated before him did THE same things but I didn't care enough to do any research or questioning after our break. He never came back so I guess I'm expecting the same from my most recent ex.

 

This is all so hard for me to accept because I truly feel in my heart that he is THE one. That's why I'm wondering if what he said were based on real feelings and intentions or if it was all a lie or a game.

 

He was so heartbroken when we broke up.. cried and cried. Said he was sorry and that I deserved more and that he didn't mean to hurt me. UGH! WHY then??? Why run from what you want the most???

 

He will be back!I have soooooo much experience with commitmentphobes.I dated one for two years and now im dating one again and he broke up with me 2 weeks ago.I've been no contact since.Do you have an email or gchat?It would be easier to talk through there. I'll tell you everything!

[edgygirl]

how are you supposed to KNOW anything is real anymore?????

 

I wonder the same thing.

 

Sorry you went through this. Not sure mine was a commitment-phobe, he had a 3-4 year relationship until last year. But when it was time for marriage he did dump her... based on a feasible explanation. But I guess these guys always have explanations that make sense, don't they?

 

I am hurting and shocked as you. So many things have been said, we talked about family, about babies... he pursued me so much... Only to start devaluing me the moment I started caring about him.

[shortnsweet79]

Hey walking.. PM me.. I'll share my email with you.

 

I got "Men Who Can't Love" in the mail yesterday and read it cover to cover before bedtime! WOW... helps a LOT.

 

IF he makes a reappearance.. I will insist he pursue counseling. I will not give up my social life with friends or the option of starting a relationship with another man while he "fixes himself". It hurts so much. I love this man so much. In my mind, he's still "the one", but I've held up my "no contact" responsibility and haven't texted him. He hasn't made contact with me either. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on because it's therapeutic to ME. This time is about ME and healing.

 

I hate this for anyone going through it. We really do deserve love and commitment from people who CAN give it.

[walkingonair]

Hey walking.. PM me.. I'll share my email with you.

 

I got "Men Who Can't Love" in the mail yesterday and read it cover to cover before bedtime! WOW... helps a LOT.

 

IF he makes a reappearance.. I will insist he pursue counseling. I will not give up my social life with friends or the option of starting a relationship with another man while he "fixes himself". It hurts so much. I love this man so much. In my mind, he's still "the one", but I've held up my "no contact" responsibility and haven't texted him. He hasn't made contact with me either. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on because it's therapeutic to ME. This time is about ME and healing.

 

I hate this for anyone going through it. We really do deserve love and commitment from people who CAN give it.

 

 

 

I tried to PM you but apparently there's no PM function on loveshack so idk how to private message you :(How about I give you my gchat and you message me? It's pillowhome87 ......btw I heard that book is good!I got the book he's scared,she's scared and it's reallllyyy good too.

[shortnsweet79]

I am dying to get "He's Scared, She's Scared" in the mail. Should be today or monday. Yesterday was so hard for me. After 4-5 days of no crying... I had a very emotional day. Cried.. was SOOOO FURIOUS about the whole ordeal and ALMOST broke No Contact to beg/plead/bitch at him. I was a mess. Thank goodness for friends I can call to remind me of what I really want.

 

This just all sucks so bad. I am keeping a journal as well.. something I truly recommend for anyone going through a breakup. It really helps to be able to vent in a safe place without inconveniencing friends with personal details etc etc and without contacting the ex and making yourself look like an idiot.

 

I have just never dealt with a commitment phobic person in a relationship before. Not sure how I dodged that bullet all these years but I am SO glad I know the signs now. I also fit the profile of a CP so I am working on myself as well. This has been such a learning experience. It breaks my heart to log into this forum and read all the stories of people hurting. It is the saddest thing. With so many people in the world, there's absolutely no reason why we should all be miserable.

[blackcat777]

I started reading Men Who Can't Love (I think it was recommended in this thread?) and it's blowing my mind. Extremely eye opening about guys who disappear when it has *absolutely* nothing to do with you... other than that, perhaps, you were worth a commitment.

 

It's so messed up and turns my stomach, but at the same time, I'm relieved I know how to recognize this sort of thing.

[BeautyPrincess]

I'm going through exactly the same thing OP! It's rubbish and soooo confusing! When we broke up he told me how much he loved me etc and that he knew he was running away! I don't know if he's commitment phobic, or scared of being trapped. We've still been talking occasionally and he's told me how unhappy he is, all he thinks about is me blah blah. But at the same time all I can think is that if I really mean as much as he says I do, how can he just leave?! He bought up living together aaaaall the time, up until 2 weeks before the break up.

I can't give u any advice unfortunately, as I don't know what to do myself! The only thing we can do is carry on with our own lives

[SunnySide0418]

I am dying to get "He's Scared, She's Scared" in the mail. Should be today or monday. Yesterday was so hard for me. After 4-5 days of no crying... I had a very emotional day. Cried.. was SOOOO FURIOUS about the whole ordeal and ALMOST broke No Contact to beg/plead/bitch at him. I was a mess. Thank goodness for friends I can call to remind me of what I really want.

 

This just all sucks so bad. I am keeping a journal as well.. something I truly recommend for anyone going through a breakup. It really helps to be able to vent in a safe place without inconveniencing friends with personal details etc etc and without contacting the ex and making yourself look like an idiot.

 

I have just never dealt with a commitment phobic person in a relationship before. Not sure how I dodged that bullet all these years but I am SO glad I know the signs now. I also fit the profile of a CP so I am working on myself as well. This has been such a learning experience. It breaks my heart to log into this forum and read all the stories of people hurting. It is the saddest thing. With so many people in the world, there's absolutely no reason why we should all be miserable.

 

How long were you guys dating?

[shortnsweet79]

Well.. stone me... I broke NC last night and he and I talked on the phone for a nearly 30 minutes. I told him about the books I was reading. I asked him if his issues with upset stomach had subsided and he said yes. I told him that was probably due to the anxiety he was feeling in the relationship as well. He said he had never even thought of that.

 

He said he would order the book today so he could start it next week. I really hope he does. Not that I think I will benefit from it, but I hope he will actually get it and read it so he can recognize his issues and learn how to deal with them. After reading the books, I recognize myself as a severe CP! I am grateful for this relationship because I would have gone my entire life without realizing that I had my own problem and issues with commitment. Now I can focus on bettering myself and understanding my own troubles.

 

It's true.. I want commitment and my "happily ever after" more than anything else in life. My greatest fear is ending up alone without ever having a real love and true happiness. But apparently I've always run from it. I date unavailable guys (geographically, emotionally, etc). It took dating a CP to realize my issues and I'm so glad I did.

 

I'm scared about the days ahead, but I've given myself permission to be alone and try to find a way not to be afraid of that. I have a long road ahead, I think. I have to learn that I (ME!) am responsible for my happiness.. not someone else. I should NOT NEED someone in my life to make me happy. I am also not responsible for someone else's happiness.

 

I need to learn how to have a "normal" relationship with "normal barriers" in place. Oh man.. so much for me to learn.

 

That said.. talking to him on the phone last night put my stomach in knots. I felt like I was going to throw up and I don't know why. We didn't discuss getting together or anything like that. It was normal talk, "How have you been, did you have a good weekend, how have the kids been," blah blah. Nothing really pertaining to our relationship other than talking about the books and what I have learned so far.

 

I fell asleep after we hung up and I woke up this morning very sick to my stomach and full body aches and a migraine. Not sure if it was related to talking to him or not, but I wouldn't doubt it.

 

I'm looking forward to healing and moving on. I am praying that our talk last night was the closure I needed. It's hard coming to the realization that you just aren't going to be together and that nothing you thought you had was even realistic! Sigh. But it's ok.. it's YET another new beginning! Embrace.