Another big lie....

[DazednConfused]

Always know that you have friends to lean on here Syl.

 

You will be in my thoughts.

[sylviaguardian]

My friends,

 

When I logged on tonight just for a quick look and saw this string of posts, it made me cry. Thank you all for your kind words. It turns things around for me to see that there are some decent people out there.

 

Things are still tough for me but the great ball of pain and sorrow has been replaced my a big ball of anger. I am so angry that everything I worked for, for 10 years has ended so pointlessly. I am angry that my children will grow up, not in a family like I thought, but with a single mother and a father they see now and again. I am angry that I feel like a failure when I have tried so hard.

 

I am so sad. All my life I had one dream - to be in a proper family. Everytime I went anywhere with my family, I was so proud and pleased. Now with the benefit of hindsight, I realise that it doesn't matter how much one person wants it, if the other person doesn't value it.

 

I would love to try and work things out and keep my family together but I can't do it alone. Before, I could try because despite everthing that happened, I still loved my husband. That love got less and less with each day that he lied and cheated further. I have been living in a dream world.

 

Someone said that we seek problems because they contain gifts and we need the gifts. The gift that I have got here is seeing that life is not always easy, it doesn't go the way we want it to. But when things go wrong, somewhere inside we will find the strength and we will continue. I have found more strength inside myself these past months than I ever thought was possible. I have also been shown that people I thought were friends, TRULY are friends and I have allowed myself to break down my defence enough to admit to them how I really feel inside.

 

I am sorry that none of this probably helps on a site like this where people are trying so hard to keep things together, but I have to be true to myself and this is the way that I feel inside.

 

I will let you all know how things go. At the moment I am living day to day and I feel awful, but it has not been as bad as you might think. I have learned to switch off at times and try to enjoy my life again. At least I feel that I have some control over what happens to me now.

 

Take care all of you. You will be in my thoughts tonight.

 

Sylvia

[whichwayisup]

Syl, You're alot stronger than you think you are! I see it in how you express yourself.

 

I agree with everything you said about lifes little gifts. Just really sucks that things have turned out this way, but it isn't your fault. When one decides to give up and not work on a marriage there isn't anything else the other person can do but walk away.

 

I'm sorry that your children won't have their father in their life like it should be. It's just as much his loss as it is theirs, hopefully someday he'll realized what a big mistake he's made.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself, you did everything possible to make it work because you have an inner strength, love and faith deep inside you! To me, that's a really wonderful thing!

 

I"m happy you did come back and read our posts to you and that it brought a smile to your face. I know none of us really know KNOW eachother but there is alot of genuine care among us.

 

Happy Easter and I hope you have a great Easter egg hunt with your kids.

 

Hugs to you Syl.

 

WWIU

[fleafly]

Sylvia, I am sorry I left my post so short, but as I know how and what you are feeling and going through, thats all I could muster. When you said you are sorry about coming on a site like this and "throwing in the towel" I can also relate to that. This is why I have apolagized on my thread a few times, so many people trying to help me through this, and yet none of it seems to matter at this point, does it?

 

I guess what I am trying to say, and it seems that you and I might be heading in the same direction is, start living again! This is somethimg that we will NEVER be able to erase from our minds or hearts, but it is something that we can learn and grow from. Just keep forging ahead, use the love of your friends and family as a stepping stone, and try to make the next day better then the last. Sounds so simple, I know...

 

flea

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by fleafly

Sylvia, I am sorry I left my post so short, but as I know how and what you are feeling and going through, thats all I could muster. When you said you are sorry about coming on a site like this and "throwing in the towel" I can also relate to that. This is why I have apolagized on my thread a few times, so many people trying to help me through this, and yet none of it seems to matter at this point, does it?

 

I guess what I am trying to say, and it seems that you and I might be heading in the same direction is, start living again! This is somethimg that we will NEVER be able to erase from our minds or hearts, but it is something that we can learn and grow from. Just keep forging ahead, use the love of your friends and family as a stepping stone, and try to make the next day better then the last. Sounds so simple, I know...

 

flea

 

Hi flea,

 

I know exactly what you are saying. It's not easy, I do feel like a failure. I so wanted my children to grow up in an intact world. I look around at all the happy families that I know and thing 'that should have been me'. But as you say, there is only so much that you can do. I have had to accept that getting into this situation was not my choice. The choice was made for me by my H and his OW. However I can control the future. It's not the future I would have chosen but I have to make the best of it now. I know it will be a long slog. I have been leaning heavily on friends and I am preparing to tell my family so I can get some support from them.

 

Next week we were supposed to be going on vacation and I am two minds as to what to do. I am not sure if I am ready to cope with two very small children on my own in a strange place and I know it will be hard to go to places that are full of families! The alternative is to mope around at home I suppose and disappoint the children, so not a happy option either!

 

Thanks for your words. Do you have any specific advice on how to get through? Like how to get out of bed in the morning when all you feel like doing is sticking your head back under the pillow and pretending its not all happening?LOL!

 

Syl

[fleafly]

Syl, your asking me for advice?!? I was thinking more along the lines of you lean on me, Ill lean on you, we'll stand together! You and I are in the same boat Im afraid, and it seems to be sinking. Holidays dont make it easier either, trying to act as a family, putting on this fake front for the kids is very painful for me. And now to come in here and see Dazed post, well what can I say about that? The thing that makes it soo hard for me is I have no structure in my life right now. Without working I have nothing to do all day except go over this over and over again(alone). Its enough to drive a person CRAZY. But in all honesty, I do see this as passing, one way or the other. I have been doing alot of reading, as well as reflecting on our past together. and it does seem to me that I am starting to get over the anger phase. Now when ever I lash out at my wife, I atleast have the decency to apolagize to her. I am starting to see that rehashing things in my mind over and over does no good. My wife has finally started to realize the severity of how much she has hurt me, and that helps as well.

 

Just keep moving ahead, each day does seem to get a little better....it doesnt take much of anything to bring me right back, either something will come on the tv, the radio, the internet, sometimes it feels like this will never end. My wife told my yesterday, "sometimes I just want to think this is all a bad dream that I will wake up from". I never had such a strong urge to slap somebody across the face. I guess thats where my state of mind is.

[liswil]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

I hear what you are saying. I should explain a bit further. The handjobs in his place of work were a big risk, which makes me doubt whether they could have actually had sex. Also, according to my H, this behaviour did not go on the whole time they were in contact. It was a long build-up to it and it stopped apparently when she left for a new job. My H ended up getting a job in the same place (partly because of his career, there are only 1 or 2 places he can work here) and in that workplace, the relationship had changed.

 

OK, call me a fool for believing this. The fact is that my H did not have to come out and tell me that he got a handjob until he had an orgasm. There was no proof. He wanted to come clean at last. I do admit to you, that I wouldn't be surprised though if he had slept with her.

 

 

 

Yes, that can happen---without sex or even orgasm taking place. I've been in that situation before.

 

However, what I don't understand is why whether or not they had sex even matters. You mean to tell me that you would forgive them masturbating each other but not forgive sex? What's the difference really????

[latesleeper]

Hi Syl,

 

I've only just read this thread and wished I could have read it sooner and added my cents worth of support.

 

You are an incredibly strong and courageous woman, and you have enough love for your children and yourself. Having grown up in a rather harsh environment with both parents, I can say that having one loving parent would be better than having one resentful and bitter one and the other not caring much. Your kids will know you love them, and that would make things all way better no matter what.

 

I'm so sorry to hear of all the pain you've been through. My warmest thoughts and best wishes to you and your kids.

 

Hugs, and please keep us updated. With so many people wishing for your success in life and for your happiness, good things would surely come to you.

 

Take care.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by liswil

Yes, that can happen---without sex or even orgasm taking place. I've been in that situation before.

 

However, what I don't understand is why whether or not they had sex even matters. You mean to tell me that you would forgive them masturbating each other but not forgive sex? What's the difference really????

 

Liswil,

 

There is no difference (apart from the fact that it would be yet another thing that is contaminated). I am not saying that one is more forgiveable than the other. The important part is that he has told me ALL the truth.

 

Sometimes I wonder why I come on this forum when it feels like it is the BS who gets attacked!

[whichwayisup]

Sometimes I wonder why I come on this forum when it feels like it is the BS who gets attacked!

 

Try to ignore it. There are SO many wonderful posters to your thread who understand and DO actually care what happens to you and what goes on in your life.

 

Hope you're doing OK Syl.

[RecordProducer]

Is that all? The two of them masturbating each other almost 4 years ago? Nothing else happened with anyone else before and after that?

If this is the case then forgive him and make him promise that it won't happen again. Of course he lied to you! He made a mistake and wanted to spare you. What do you expect him to do, come to you and brag about how he touched someone else's pussy?

It's bad, but it's not the end of the world. I mean, most of the guys cheat on their wives. He is an angel in comparison to them.

Besides, you have one point for cheating left for you - you might want to use it some day!

[liswil]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

Liswil,

 

There is no difference (apart from the fact that it would be yet another thing that is contaminated). I am not saying that one is more forgiveable than the other. The important part is that he has told me ALL the truth.

 

Sometimes I wonder why I come on this forum when it feels like it is the BS who gets attacked!

 

 

How did you take that as an attack???? I was on your side telling you that you shouldn't tolerate these things just because they might not have actually had sex.

[liswil]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Try to ignore it. There are SO many wonderful posters to your thread who understand and DO actually care what happens to you and what goes on in your life.

 

Hope you're doing OK Syl.

 

Please clarify things with the OP before you jump on the bandwagon.

[whichwayisup]

Please clarify things with the OP before you jump on the bandwagon.

 

Didn't know I needed your permission actually. Have you actually been following ALL Syl's threads from day one, instead of just jumping in and not knowing her full history??? Just wondering...And yes, I felt the need to jump in as Syl felt abit attacked. She's been going through her own hell right now and I thought she would appreciate someone backing her up because that LS friends do for eachother. BTW, I'm not mad, or being harsh and if you took what I said out of context, Oops, sorry.

[liswil]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Didn't know I needed your permission actually. Have you actually been following ALL Syl's threads from day one, instead of just jumping in and not knowing her full history??? Just wondering...And yes, I felt the need to jump in as Syl felt abit attacked. She's been going through her own hell right now and I thought she would appreciate someone backing her up because that LS friends do for eachother. BTW, I'm not mad, or being harsh and if you took what I said out of context, Oops, sorry.

 

You're still apparently not getting that I was on her side. Oh well.

[latesleeper]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

There is no difference (apart from the fact that it would be yet another thing that is contaminated). I am not saying that one is more forgiveable than the other. The important part is that he has told me ALL the truth.

 

Hey Syl,

I understand what you mean by it's being important that he has told you ALL the truth. When a person can do that, they are actually opening their most vulnerable self to you, leaving you to either accept or refuse. It's a big risk, but it is a sign that they are willing to take the risk for you, willing to risk their self in spite of fear, putting their self in your hands. I believe you are a compassionate and reasonable and loving person, and if someone would do that, you would evaluate as the compassionate person you are. But I guess the fear is always there for each of us -- for the other, whether you would reject what you finally see, and for you, whether you can accept what you finally see.

It's so darn difficult...!

Anyway, just my thoughts. What I do think for sure is that you're a very strong and courageous person, more so because you don't feel so.

Take care.

[sylviaguardian]

Liswil,

 

I am sorry. Yesterday was a bad day for me and sometimes when I have come on this site I have got posts like "What are you thinking off - just dump him!" or "I wonder how many times he has masturbated thinking about the OW" (thank you Uberfrau!). NONE of this has been helpful to me. I suppose I just say your post as being another one of these (i.e. masturbating is grounds for dumping anyway, the rest doesn't matter). I am sorry if I jumped in without thinking and I hope you will continue to give me your advice and thoughts.

 

Thanks for the support WWIU and latersleeper, even if I was wrong!

 

Record Producer - your post made me laugh! When you put it like that it almost sounds funny ( I am serious here). I know a step back is needed sometime but it's hard when you've put your heart and soul into it and it feels like a slap in the face. I appreciate your six cents though!

 

Anyway, I have been PMing our resident counsellor (Owl) who has made me see that maybe I am rushing into making a decison. I have decided to sit this one out and see what happens. We are going to a counsellor tonight so we'll see what happens.

 

Bye bye for now!

Syl

[sylviaguardian]

By the way latesleeper - how are things with you?

[ThumbingMyWay]

Syl...

 

how are YOU doing?

[GirlDown]

wait, what happened afterward that was so much worse...that makes me concerned...

 

sorry, i just got here. i feel your pain and i hope it gets better in whatever way is best for you. you have a long road ahead of you either way, but you'll make it. hope you found some support here in the meantime...seems like you did. LS does have its gems.

[veronese]

Hi Syl,

 

How are you? Not long now til the kids go back to school. Hope you survived the Easter break OK.

 

Thinking of you

 

Veron x

[StillHurtin]

Sylvia, I am sorry that I have not replied to your post until now. I am so very sorry you are going through all this. I was crying reading your post. You have gotten some great advice. I hope things are getting a little easier on you. I know the pain a BS can leave in one's heart. It is something I wouldn't wish on anyone (well, besides the OW in my situation). How awful that he lied to you for so many years! I don't honestly know what I would do in that situations. You need to do what you need to do in your M. Only you know what is best for you and your children. I always thought if my H had an A I would leave him in a heartbeat. Well, he did, but like you I didn't want to let go. I wanted him more than ever. Pretty stupid for someone who is screwing around on ya. I have been cheated on by another man years b4 H and I met. As soon as I found out I dumped him, gave him back his rings he gave me, and started a new life. It's easier to do that when you haven't gave them so many years of your life, children, and love. You can't imagine life w/o them, you can't imagine growing old w/o them. I went through everything you are going through, well maybe not all of it. All the thoughts of not being a family anymore, the kids not having their father around, visitation every other weekend, things like that. Every time I thought about that I would cry for hours on end. I couldn't function anymore. Dreams of him screwing the OW every night, I was loosing my mind. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I was a mess. I finally went in to see my doctor and cried my eyes out to him and his nurse. He put me on sleeping pills (which didn't work, I was still having awful dreams. I felt like I was right there in the room watching him have sex w/ the OW). I would wake up screaming at him and he wasn't there to hear it. He also put me on an anti-depressant and after a few days I started feeling better. I was in denial for many weeks after

I heard they were sleeping 2gether. I didn't want to believe it but a part of me realized I needed to b/c if I didn't I was going to continue living a lie. When I finally moved away from H and started a new life was when he called and admitted everything. We started working on our M but continued to be separated. We both went to counseling which helped. Two years later I still finding myself hurting off and on but the pain isn't as intense, it is getting easier.

 

I wish you the best, and whatever you decide to do, do it for you and your children and don't let anyone make you feel stupid, or weak for staying in your marriage and trying to make it work. Only you know what is best, it's your life, do what you want. If ppl tell you how stupid you are for staying w/ him, tell them that they aren't you, and you know what is best for you. They don't have to like what you choose to do, but they still have to respect you and treat you like a person. Unless a person has been betrayed by a spouse they have no idea what it's like.

 

Take care and best wishes

[sylviaguardian]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for asking how I am doing. Stillhurtin - I have never read your full story before: how sad. It sounds like you are a really strong person.

 

Well my update is that I took Owl's advice and decided not to make any decisions (if that makes sense). H is back in the house. We went on vacation together with the kids and for the most part, it was OK (OK we did have a couple of arguments at night time!).

 

I suppose things are on a more even keel. I seem to be past the raw grief stage and am accepting things more. But with the acceptance comes a whole new load of questions about my life.

 

I have made a pact with myself to stop wasting time worrying about my H and what he is doing. Instead I'm going to start worrying about myself. I have realised that I have spent 9 months of my life being obsessed with him and his OW and have totally neglected myself. Today my H suggested that I make a list of things to look forward to. Inwardly, I was thinking that I can't think of anything that i can really look forward to. He suggested things like decorating the house etc but the truth is that I don't give a 5hit about stuff like that anymore. It seems so pointless. I have really had to evaluate the last few years of my life and ask myself what I have got out of it. The answer is, not too much personally (aside from my kids). I have felt lonely for a very long time.

 

Tomorrow I am going for IC. I want to try to sort out a few things like how I manage to keep getting into relationships like these, what are my motives for staying with him (or not) and how I can channel my anger into something more positive. It's ironic, but now I can see more clearly how my H could have an affair. I feel like a prime candiate for it at the moment. My emotional needs are unmet, I feel used and unappreciated, dissatisfied with my life and my views on infidelity have had to change. LOL!

 

Seriously, I am hoping to start concentrating on me now. If he comes good, he comes good, if he doesn't I hope I will be a strong enough person to choose what makes me happy.

 

Stillhurting - I can relate to so much of what you say - feeling like you are in the room watching them, the nightmares. I take heart from the fact that you are still hanging in there. I hope it gets better for you. You are one strong lady and if your husband doens't realise that now, he simply does not appreciate other people.

 

Sylvia