My NC Diary (Feelings, Thoughts Etc)

[Seeker12]

Hello, just abit of background, iv had a rocky few weeks with my ex. Everything has happened, from her not wanting anything to do with me, saying theres no future, i shouldnt message her, and that i should delete and get rid of everything incl her number, this was like week 1.

 

Weeks 2,3,4 saw a massive change in her attitude and behaviour towards me, to the point she was finding any reason to message me, whatsapp me etc. Everything from her sending me pics of notes that we wrote eachother, reminders to vouchers which could help me purchase things. Like i said random things, i eventually confronted her on this and she said she doesnt know what the future holds and she wants to still keep me there as she still cares, as friends with possibly something in the future, meaning in the next month or two ie november/december. I said i needed to think things through and multiple times told her she should stop messaging me, because i needed to heal, massive change from week 1 in her behaviour, by week 4 she was always initiating contact every 1-2 days.

 

Anyway that was up until last week, on wednesday morning she randomly at 5am messaged me with a reminder, i replied at like 9am. However, this time i told her straight that until she can turn around and say she will commit to me and that we work on a future, can i then be friends (me and her can never be friends lol meaning if we form a friendship we both know itll always be more than a friendship from either side) NOTE: i offered this idea of friendship in week 1, she flat turned it down so i was surprised she was now offering it.

 

Anyway, i finished by saying up until she says that to me (that she will commit), i cant be friends or anything with her, i told her she knows how i feel and she shouldnt doubt my feelings for her.

 

Anyway her response was a short and simple okay and bye, i wasnt harsh but i was straight to the point, this time i knew it hurt her, meaning what i said to her, because other times iv told her to stop, she used to reply with a big spiel of good luck in the future etc etc. Anyway fastforward im on day 5 of full and complete no contact from either side, iv never lasted this long and feeling the withdrawal symptoms hitting me.

 

Any advice, comments, thoughts, or anything really would be appreciated, il update on a day to day, or every other day to day basis.

Edited October 26, 2014 by Seeker12

[Seeker12]

Day 5 - This is half way through the day i know, anyway i decided to go gym and workout it was a good feeling, do have some lingering thoughts about my ex, watched a heart warming video which made me cry. I think iv been wanting to cry for a few days now, so abit my own personal release as well as the content of the video.

 

Generally my physical state is good, im eating fine and getting involved in a few extra curricular things, sometimes i am alone and just have a lie down or something. Anyway mentally i do have dreams, and today did wake up thinking about her, decided to stay in bed and that kind of turned into a headache. Onwards and upwards i assume from now, getting used to a lot of independence and at times iv had to reach out to friends just for some basic conversation which has always helped me.

 

NOTE: She didnt break up with me and/or i didnt break up with her, it was a mutual decision to part ways for now, thats why i said i need space to think things through, and why she said she will let me know in november/december whether she can commit, when i mean commit i mean marriage to me, twist is, there is another marriage prospect involved only recently for the past month, my emotional breakdown occurred once i found out ie week 1 which was then met by her harsh attitude and behaviour, since then iv been making good physical and mental progress, and as you can see her attitude etc completely changed around, and now am going into week 5 but for the first time with 5 days no contact, the prospect is why i more or less gave her the soft ultimatum.

Edited October 26, 2014 by Seeker12

[Seeker12]

Day 6 of NC - iv had nearly a full active day. In the morning i woke up fine and carried onto go to university, busied myself, however found that halfway through the day i was hit with a downer. This was the typical stuff, whats she doing, whats going on, does she even still care? Its the first full 6 days of NC since anything, so expecting these feelings. This lasted for a while whilst i was at university, not necessarily beating myself up, but definitely feeling down, was shown an independent work room by a peer, and straight away it triggered thoughts as me and the ex would sometimes work independently in these work rooms, even though she was at a different uni.

 

Anyway, after second lecture i went with a peer to the library to do some work, we spent good part 2-3 hrs there together, he isnt close, but in a socially mixed environment, i found it to give me a lot ease and confidence again, the ex was gone from my head, and i was feeling good. My trips to the library will now only increase as study wise it really helped, and maybe il see if i find someone interesting.

 

Eventually reached home, ate and had a nap, woke up with small thoughts and feelings, missing her, thinking of her etc. etc. which isnt good but its at the point im at right now, the only positive part is i dont have anything from her to reflect back these feelings, so eventually they should cut out as the source for these feelings is more or less disconnected. Now will just proceed to go and eat and socialise with the family then probably get some work done for tomorrow! The day so far has been up and down again though, a lot of independence bordering on loneliness.

 

Again, any thoughts, comments, suggestions and advice on the situation are welcome from the community!

Edited October 27, 2014 by Seeker12

[Seeker12]

Day 7 - Early Post for now will update later in the day too - mixed feelings, just remembering the relationship what i did for her, what i didnt do, how i hurt her, the conversations about marriage etc. a part of me wants her back, another side is saying to move on forward. Right now im zoned into a no go scenario, things may change depending on her decision in the next month or so as she stated, but i have to be prepared for the worst. In general im doing a lot better than i was when she was messaging me every day or every other day trying to instigate conversation.

 

Interesting observation, i will not overanalyse this and am trying to stay away from overanalysing and just putting it down to a simple mistake. But i got sent to my email, a whatsapp chat conversation between her and her sister, there was nothing in it which was of concern or anything, just weird, but again, she knows what i want in order for us to move forward and im sticking to that, until she comes up with the goods basically.

 

PS i live in the UK, so here i hit day 7 about 2 and a half hrs ago.

[SoThatHappened]

Like i said random things, i eventually confronted her on this and she said she doesnt know what the future holds and she wants to still keep me there as she still cares,

Been there. She's keeping you in the wings in case the guy she's likely seeing doesn't work out. I was the "wings" guy for 2 months before getting back together with my ex. Worst decision I've ever made.

 

Don't be a anyone's backup plan. I strongly advise changing your number and becoming a ghost. This is the best way to get over her and/or get her back. However, I also strongly advise you move on. She's said she doesn't want you in her life more than a friend. You can't be friends, and you both know it.

 

So essentially, she chose to not be with you. Be the one to ensure she's not a part of your life, AT ALL.

 

I think iv been wanting to cry for a few days now, so abit my own personal release as well as the content of the video.

Let that stuff out, man. It's pain leaving the body.

 

I've always held everything in. After my ex hurt me, I just said "screw it" and I let the tears flow.

 

Let 'em flow. It helps you mourn the loss, recognize it, and move on.

[Seeker12]

Day 7 Carry on of my NC - The day started off brilliantly felt really confident and happy, then i hit a downer halfway through. It dawned on me that im going to have to leave her, and not have anything to do with her i.e. no calling, texting, checking up, she is out of my life like a stranger, the realisation hit me really hard, sadness and feelings are coming back, im just about keeping them at bay. The hardest iv felt in terms of missing her and wanting to contact her, but i for sure wont be. Found myself becoming slightly obsessive again, checking my phone, whatsapp, emails etc.

 

Thanks for the advice SoThatHappened, my feelings are up and down and the moment, chemically i feel an imbalance in my head, so clearly my bodies still responding and healing. Thoughts of her are coming back strong, the second withdrawal peak after NC.

 

Shes gone from not wanting me in her life, to then wanting to stay friends for the meantime until shes sure in a month or so, i told her she has to commit and then we can move forward and plan, otherwise we shouldnt be speaking as its not helping me, and thats where it ended. It really does feel like im the back up plan right now, which i definitely dont want to be, again why i gave the soft ultimatum, showing her that i am not a back up plan. Clearly so far, 7 days into NC, her choices are clear i cant deny that she isnt choosing me. The boundaries have been set, which im glad about, no matter how much its hurting.

 

NOTE: The plan to marry in the first place was chugging along well, we were both happy, up until family got involved, thats when things went downhill, not because of her or me, but because of family, which literally became unbearable.

 

Thoughts involve is she talking to the new marriage prospect? How far does she want to go with him? What are they talking about? How much are they talking? Is she over me that quick? Does she even care anymore? When are they talking? Really plagued by these things, im trying to just let them come and go and try not to care.

Edited October 28, 2014 by Seeker12

[Seeker12]

Finally post of Day 7 NC, THE hardest day so far in the whole week, been hit with multiple downers and small headaches, as well as the dawning realisation that shes gone, shes becoming a stranger to me. I cant tell you how much it hurts, and also how bad i want to reach out to her, which i wont, i set my boundaries and im going to stick to them. But this feels like proper mental torture, i can literally feel the chemical imbalance in my head, i can feel the sudden joy met with sudden sadness. What hurts more, is first of all the reality, and secondly that i know, or am telling myself that she will not reciprocate the same feelings.

 

Feelings of crying, and to cry are constantly occurring, iv got through the day, just about, but the looming feel of a burst comfort bubble and also the independence/loneliness to follow is stronger than ever.

 

Day 7, worst day so far - target get to the beginning of November which will be Day 11, il be posting everyday, my feelings and thoughts. Any advice, suggestions etc are more than welcome and appreciated and so helpful.

 

On a side note, my attraction to girls is dependent on my feelings and mood, sometimes yes im attracted, other times i cant stand seeing a couple, or just dont feel attracted to a girl at all.

[CaliBabe]

This is all very healthy. Keep NC. Keep your diary here. We are all here to support you. Each day will be hard but you will reach a day (unknown day) when you the hurt is just a dull pain and you are able to get about your days. Maybe some glimmers of happiness here and there. Keep it up.

[Seeker12]

Thanks for the support CaliBabe, iv never experienced anything like this in my life, and iv had so called loved ones walk out on me, but never such an intense mental and physical reaction. My aim is to get to a point where there is no pain, no nothing, and i look forward to the rest of my life, the present and also the future.

 

Never realised how dependent i was on the constant company, the constant communication, the constant care that she used to provide.

[CaliBabe]

Are you able to see a thearpist? I find it to be extremely helpful.

[Seeker12]

Not necessarily no, to be honest Calibabe, but i think il be fine, need to soldier on through!

 

UPDATE: Day 8 of NC, its in the night 1am UK time, iv just come out of a horrible Day 7, but right now feeling a great sense of relief, ease and clarity, not sure how long this will last, but i sure do feel good and my normal self. Thoughts of my ex have hardly intruded into my thoughts, for some reason, the days now seem shorter.

Edited October 29, 2014 by Seeker12

[Seeker12]

Hey guys, day 8 of NC more or less fully done the update is as follows - no emotion, no stress, today iv just felt numb, sometimes even independent and back to my self. I dont know why or how this change has occurred. I did get lingering thoughts of her, her smile, the way she walks, walked towards me, her dress sense, but that was it, it hung then just disappeared. Like i said an overall sense of nothing in terms of me and my ex is what iv felt all day. Tomorrow will be interesting as to what happens.

 

Can someone please explain from experience or knowledge whats going on maybe?

 

PS no headaches no nothing at all, literally a sense and feeling of nothing in relation to whats happened with my ex.

Edited October 29, 2014 by Seeker12

[Seeker12]

Day 9 NC - halfway through the day, same feeling as yesterday, just a whole lot of nothingness, do have some lingering thoughts about her, a future etc. which i re-evaluate and block out, cant even make sense of them to be honest, its a weird feeling to be honest.

 

Anybody with any thoughts or ideas from experience?

 

UPDATE: just getting thoughts of whether she is missing me etc. thats all, but nothing painful, like i said just lingering thoughts.

Edited October 30, 2014 by Seeker12

[Seeker12]

Day 9 NC, probably last post for today, not much to note, i had a slightly weird downer for abit which then turned around, but other then that my feelings of nothingness have maintained themselves, not really sure whats going on, or how im feeling or supposed to feel, especially out of nowhere and my day 7 feelings.

Got home, and realised how i came to accept to be the back up plan, but then how as my brain started kicking in, my soft ultimatum, although it hurt, stopped me from being the back up plan.

Was my ex selfish for trying to keep me as "a friend" meaning her go to guy, her back up guy, her comfort guy? I dont know and right now im not even feeling the need to care, its just what im realising/realised.

 

Again, opinions views and suggestions always welcome, iv gone from one extreme to what i think to be another, from complete emotion, now to nothing.

 

Im sorry for those who are reading this, i hope you can understand my posts are shorter because i have nothing to say, no feelings to pour out, no emotions to speak about. Even my downer today didnt consist of any thoughts of my ex, it was just a literal feeling of being down for no reason at all.

[CaliBabe]

Seeker this is all very normal still. Keep it up.

 

I have been feeling like I have been in a slump these past 2 weeks myself. I am going on month 3 of my breakup.

 

Even after all this time, I still feel the same thing as you... Nothingness.

 

It comes in waves though. One day I feel marvelous and free and the next I feel nothingness. I feel sad, I miss my ex, I get depressed at how he threw everything away for a woman he just met. There was even a time after the breakup where I have fantastic for 2 weeks straight, then I saw something on social media and I haven't been the same since...

 

Keep on pushing. You are not alone and we are all rooting for you.

[Seeker12]

Thanks Calibabe for the support and reassurance. Day 10 of NC has started off slightly different, woke up genuinely missing my ex now, not because im fuelled with emotion etc. i just honestly miss her and the past hour has gone in this manner. I still have her number even though i dont contact her. My control over my whatsapp checking etc has been very good, but the past hour iv found myself falling back into the obsession of checking whatsapp etc.

This has caused doubts in my head like oh she must be talking to the other guy now, does she even miss me, is she on the phone to him etc. So not a good start to the day its 9am here in the UK. Like i said its just a sincere form of missing this person.

Yesterday i managed to secure an interview for a part time job, only issue is its near her workplace i didnt do this deliberately by the way, that being said i was happy, and im sure you can guess what my initial reaction was, well to tell her, but i couldnt so i told my family first instead.

Edited October 31, 2014 by Seeker12

[Seeker12]

Update on day 10 of NC - feeling okay and normal, cant help missing my ex right now but still sticking to my guns, feelings are creeping back this is compared to my past 2 days of feeling nothingness, weird how the mind and body works i guess. Halfway through the day, a lot has been on my mind in terms of the future and me, but now im just relaxing. Initially loneliness was a big bother for me 2-3 weeks ago, i really hated being alone, but now feel confident and fine, im fighting the mental battle now i guess.

 

Have a sense of slipping backwards not exactly sure why, again probably because i miss her. I personally feel normal emotionally etc, but there still remains this source and form of attraction and even possibly attachment, day 10 really has been a weird day.

Edited October 31, 2014 by Seeker12

[Seeker12]

Final update of Day 10 of NC - alots been on and off my mind, sometimes iv been fine, other times iv been plagued with thoughts. I went out at 8ish and was completely fine, now its 11, thoughts are not even creeping but fully formed about how she looks (yes im finding it hard taking her off the pedestal), also how i let my curiosity just stab me and kill me even more, this relates back to a conversation right back in like week 1 where she told me the guys physically changed in the past year, they were formally swapping marriage proposals/pics, and that she would have liked him a lot more if he looked the way he did last year. It is obviously what she said, but also the fact that i was so unstable that i walked myself into it!

[jackinthebox1]

Yea man, im on day 3, it's not even been very long and one minute u are fine, then angry, then u miss them, then i also can't get over her looks. I still eating food through a blender.

Why did you guys break up?

[Seeker12]

To be honest it was a mutual break up, we were preparing for marriage next year, but eventually chose to break up because of certain external pressures which made things like hell and unbearable, we both believe in fate so knew that if we are meant to be, well we will be.

Anyway the whole situation occurred when she got in contact to tell me that she was considering someone for marriage, it hit me like a brick wall, i had my emotional breakdown and she dissed me basically. That was week 1, since then a lot has changed i guess.

 

Day 3 will be hard, for me, day 1 i felt like my heart was literally ripping and breaking, so true eventually you become numb, but i went through it all, anger, then missing her, the loneliness/independence etc. Your doing well, i was eating once a day for the first week and was physically sick.

 

But the experience i had with her from week was like any break up, she was harsh, mean and made statements which ripped me apart, eventually her attitude to me etc changed to me, and last week is when i put my foot down and regained control and myself and went full NC, damn its hard though.

Edited November 1, 2014 by Seeker12

[jackinthebox1]

Do you want her to get in contact?

My break up was so unexpected (they always are)

We were only dating 5 months but she was more invested than me. We had one argument over something that really escalated badly and we went from being perfect to broken up in just a few days.

All my exes i wanted back but i knew it was the wrong thing to do. This one i know i've lost someone who was the best out of everyone i've dated. I don't really have much i can be angry at her for, its tough.

You never know what no contact will bring. Im great at telling people what to do in these situations. Do not contact, go out, they will definitely come back, they always do.

But harder when ur in the situation.

Yea i jus put tuna steak and spinach in a blender, it was god awful, but its a meal at least!

Do you think your ex is suffering the same?

[Seeker12]

Yes and no, the more i think of it, no, not until she can commit to me again. Id love to chat and everything but im not here to just be something in the wind, especially with something as serious as marriage, plus i also need to heal myself personally so im prepared for any outcome.

 

Wow, thats a crazy turn of events, i mean me and my ex we have had arguments but never lasted longer than 1 day of not speaking to eachother, after which the sorries etc would be said. But i guess each relationship is different, like i said our separation wasnt because of us, it was just something we eventually had to do, her family is very you can say cultural.

Yup definitely the wrong thing as itd stop your healing process which you need right now before you get in the game again, and trust me i understand fully what you mean about this one being the perfect girl, better than anybody in looks and everything. In a situation where your heart breaks, and you lose what you had, your mind automatically exaggerates that item.

 

No contact is genuinely for your own healing which will happen trust me. No contact, well there is no guarantee that your ex will come back, issue is now your not in a relationship, theres no commitment, obligation or anything. Trust me being in the situation yourself is the hardest as you have to implement everything you have said!!

Wow soldiering through them meals man lol get them calories in seriously, i was physically sick for like a week until my body just had to be fed a proper meal.

 

I think she went from not wanting anything to do with me, which was an emotional phase for both of us to feeling guilty, then she was missing me and wanted the company, then didnt want to lose me but still wanted to make her choices, which looking back now is seriously selfish hence why i gave her a soft ultimatum, commit to me or dont basically. To be honest i cant be asked anymore deliberating over it, pointless exercise and gives me a headache, i have no obligation to her and neither her to me, shes making her choices il make mine.

 

Right now i tell myself she doesnt care, the past 10 days of NC are enough to demonstrate that to me, in the future things may change, and there is an actual possibility for me personally because of the nature of our break up, but until then, iv recovered far enough to start finding girls attractive again, now its just about refiguring how to get the attractive girls attention and number lol

Edited November 1, 2014 by Seeker12

[Seeker12]

Day 11, unless iv lost track - nothing major in terms of feelings, thoughts and doubts, but one big step, iv deleted her number. I didnt and wouldnt contact her personally, however every now and then id develop an obsession where id check her up on whatsapp etc. that has to stop, and it will from today. She can feel free to do whatever the hell she wants, but im serious about moving forward.

[jackinthebox1]

I havent deleted the number. i know i wont call it n at least ill know who its from if i get a random text, but u def have to get rid of evreything else.

Every time u look at her watsap u may aswell go back to day 1.

Everything you see with her on is going to hurt you. You wouldnt keep poking a fire. Thats short term gain for long term heartache.

Stay completely away, disappear. The pain is gonna b there either way but sooner u cut out completely sooner it will go

[Seeker12]

JITB you are right, her numbers gone and thats it, im going to go neutral and move forward, Day 11 morning was however filled with thoughts coming into my head of her, i did my best to distract myself, and now going to get up and carry on with the rest of the day.

 

Yup, everytime shes on its always put doubts etc in my head, no more, i cant do this anymore to myself. Now i need to just get through the month of November in NC.