Why does cheating sound so terrifying?

[Haerts]

Hey guys,

 

I've been always very worried about being cheated on. Cheating is something I'm completely against, but we all know it's something that happens very often.

 

Lately I've been wondering if there are even couples who never ever cheated on the other. Just recently I found out 3 close friends of mine cheated on or was cheated by their boyfriends. One of them even admittedly told her boyfriend that she cheated on him (AND LIKED IT!) and he still begged her not to leave him. One of the other ones snooped through her boyfriend's facebook only to find out he's been having cybersex with his best friend's girlfriend. They're still together, but then again, she also cheated on him a couple months after they start to date (he doesn't know that).

 

I just can't understand why does that kind of stuff happen. I think I've never been cheated on, since I only had one boyfriend who only lasted 2 months, but it really makes me sad and even unmotivated to know that kind of stuff happens so often, even though I always go along the lines of "I'm not a cheater and I exist, therefore more people like me should exist too".

 

At the end of the day, all we can do is trust. I see absolutely no excuses for cheating, but it does terrify me just to think about it. Sometimes I think that I should just accept and live with the fact that everyone will cheat... but I don't want to think that way.

 

What are your views on cheating?

[mangetout]

Don't let this crush you because not everyone cheats

[acrosstheuniverse]

You know, as I've gotten older (26) I've realise that it seems like the majority, not minority, of relationships contain and infidelity at some stage. Just this past few months alone:

 

1) one of my close male friends had an emotional and physical affair on his partner of six years, with whom he has two small kids and a mortgage. He ended up confessing to the partner, who was furious, upset, kicked him out. A week later he hacked into her e-mail and discovered she'd already had a one night stand with a man from work earlier in the year. They seem like the happiest couple in the world from the outside. They're working on it, it seems to actually have helped that they BOTH crossed the line as they feel they've cancelled one another out and can now start afresh.

 

2) My housemate in my last house is in a relationship with our ex-housemate who moved out. The weekend before I moved out he came home STEAMING drunk and tried to have sex with me. He wouldn't take no for an answer and I ended up locking myself in my bedroom scared witless, calling my boyfriend to come round and considering calling the police. He didn't try to touch me against my will but he wouldn't leave my bedroom door or stop saying what he was going to do to me and it was extremely scary. I was partly upset he was trying to cheat on his girlfriend, my mate, but mostly upset he made me so scared in a home I had felt comfortable in for two years.

 

3) A few days ago a friend from uni, a guy I thought was a good friend although we only caught up once every couple months or so, messaged me saying he'd had a dream about me. This guy has never been anything but appropriate in two years of knowing me. He has a wife and three gorgeous kids, invited me into his home to meet them when we started studying together, showed me their wedding album. Anyway he said his dream had been passionately kissing me, I gave him every opportunity to get out of the discussion saying 'oh wow, how bizarre and awkward! What did your wife say!?' and he kept it up 'I didn't tell her, it wasn't awkward for me, been thinking about you a lot lately' it REALLY upset me, I thought he was a true friend and he totally crossed the line and disrespected me, my wife, my partner. I screen shotted it and sent it to his wife on facebook because he was such a coward, as soon as I called him out on it he just went dead silent, no concern as to how he'd upset me, let alone the issue with him being MARRIED.

 

Infidelity is absolutely everywhere. I can hand on heart say I have never ever been the cheater. I am too honest a person, I would know that if I did it, I would have to tell whoever I was in a relationship with, and I've always had a relationship so intolerant of cheating that I would presume it would mean the end. So the thought of doing it just isn't there when I can see the outcome before it even happens. However, I've been the facilitator of infidelity. I had a three month affair with a guy from uni back in early 2013, his partner found out and he stayed with her. And a few months after splitting with my 2012 partner, the most traumatic breakup I've ever been through, I totally lost the desire to be a 'decent' person anymore, I'm entirely ashamed to say. I had sex with a friend, who had a girlfriend. I willingly slept with him for a one night only thing (we had a history however), knowing I wanted nothing more, knowing he had a girlfriend of half a year. He never told her, they now live together.

 

I don't think I've been cheated on to my knowledge but you just don't ever know. Cheating is terrifying because it can destroy a life and emotionally slaughter the one person you're supposed to care about and put first. I would never again be the cheatee, and I believe I would never be the cheater. But the more I look around me, the more I wonder why it seems like so few people are able to resist, ya know?

[NJ123]

You know, as I've gotten older (26) I've realise that it seems like the majority, not minority, of relationships contain and infidelity at some stage. Just this past few months alone:

 

1) one of my close male friends had an emotional and physical affair on his partner of six years, with whom he has two small kids and a mortgage. He ended up confessing to the partner, who was furious, upset, kicked him out. A week later he hacked into her e-mail and discovered she'd already had a one night stand with a man from work earlier in the year. They seem like the happiest couple in the world from the outside. They're working on it, it seems to actually have helped that they BOTH crossed the line as they feel they've cancelled one another out and can now start afresh.

 

2) My housemate in my last house is in a relationship with our ex-housemate who moved out. The weekend before I moved out he came home STEAMING drunk and tried to have sex with me. He wouldn't take no for an answer and I ended up locking myself in my bedroom scared witless, calling my boyfriend to come round and considering calling the police. He didn't try to touch me against my will but he wouldn't leave my bedroom door or stop saying what he was going to do to me and it was extremely scary. I was partly upset he was trying to cheat on his girlfriend, my mate, but mostly upset he made me so scared in a home I had felt comfortable in for two years.

 

3) A few days ago a friend from uni, a guy I thought was a good friend although we only caught up once every couple months or so, messaged me saying he'd had a dream about me. This guy has never been anything but appropriate in two years of knowing me. He has a wife and three gorgeous kids, invited me into his home to meet them when we started studying together, showed me their wedding album. Anyway he said his dream had been passionately kissing me, I gave him every opportunity to get out of the discussion saying 'oh wow, how bizarre and awkward! What did your wife say!?' and he kept it up 'I didn't tell her, it wasn't awkward for me, been thinking about you a lot lately' it REALLY upset me, I thought he was a true friend and he totally crossed the line and disrespected me, my wife, my partner. I screen shotted it and sent it to his wife on facebook because he was such a coward, as soon as I called him out on it he just went dead silent, no concern as to how he'd upset me, let alone the issue with him being MARRIED.

 

Infidelity is absolutely everywhere. I can hand on heart say I have never ever been the cheater. I am too honest a person, I would know that if I did it, I would have to tell whoever I was in a relationship with, and I've always had a relationship so intolerant of cheating that I would presume it would mean the end. So the thought of doing it just isn't there when I can see the outcome before it even happens. However, I've been the facilitator of infidelity. I had a three month affair with a guy from uni back in early 2013, his partner found out and he stayed with her. And a few months after splitting with my 2012 partner, the most traumatic breakup I've ever been through, I totally lost the desire to be a 'decent' person anymore, I'm entirely ashamed to say. I had sex with a friend, who had a girlfriend. I willingly slept with him for a one night only thing (we had a history however), knowing I wanted nothing more, knowing he had a girlfriend of half a year. He never told her, they now live together.

 

I don't think I've been cheated on to my knowledge but you just don't ever know. Cheating is terrifying because it can destroy a life and emotionally slaughter the one person you're supposed to care about and put first. I would never again be the cheatee, and I believe I would never be the cheater. But the more I look around me, the more I wonder why it seems like so few people are able to resist, ya know?

 

No offense & you do seem like a good person, but your kinda contradicting yourself about hating cheating since you willingly slept with others who had girlfriends already. How do you think that girl would feel if she found out that you slept with her boyfriend who's your friend. I would hope you have no contact with him anymore at all. So even you have been involved in this not just once, but a few times.

Edited October 26, 2014 by NJ123

[OwMyEyeball]

I believe that almost all people do not consider themselves a cheater until one day a combination of intense craving, emotional vulnerability and their partner's unavailability conspire to lead them down the path of infidelity.

 

Are they culpable for their actions? Yes. Did they ever think they would be capable of them? No.

 

There is a very wide gulf between what most people think they're incapable of and what they actually are capable of doing. It's not that people change so much as their circumstances inevitably do.

[NJ123]

I believe that almost all people do not consider themselves a cheater until one day a combination of intense craving, emotional vulnerability and their partner's unavailability conspire to lead them down the path of infidelity.

 

Are they culpable for their actions? Yes. Did they ever think they would be capable of them? No.

 

There is a very wide gulf between what most people think they're incapable of and what they actually are capable of doing. It's not that people change so much as their circumstances inevitably do.

 

It seems cheating happens mainly when the marriage/relationship isn't going well. Of course there's some who are just natural betrayers & will cheat at any given chance when they could **** a hot guy or hot woman even if their relationship with their SO is going completely well. SmartPhones/Computers don't make things easier at all for relationships. It's so incredibly easy to cheat now compared to in the past. You basically just have to get lucky & hope the person your with is a loyal person who would never do it. Since if someone is going to cheat their going to cheat, you can't be over your partner's shoulder 24/7.

[OwMyEyeball]

It seems cheating happens mainly when the marriage/relationship isn't going well. Of course there's some who are just natural betrayers & will cheat at any given chance when they could **** a hot guy or hot woman even if their relationship with their SO is going completely well. SmartPhones/Computers don't make things easier at all for relationships. It's so incredibly easy to cheat now compared to in the past. You basically just have to get lucky & hope the person your with is a loyal person who would never do it. Since if someone is going to cheat their going to cheat, you can't be over your partner's shoulder 24/7.

The gearing of modern consumer society may also play a role.

 

Disposable products. Disposable relationships. The cult of "I".

 

Many of the socio-economic forces that kept long-term relationships (i.e. marriages) together have also been largely dissolved in the past couple of generations alone. Traditionally, marriage wasn't even about the couple. It was about building a family and a tool for maintaining tribal relationships. Kids weren't an accessory to life, but a necessity towards survival and security for old age. Mutual respect was much more important than mutual love.

 

A lot has changed in a very short-time frame and the changes only seem to be occurring more rapidly. We cling to traditions because we have romanticized expectations for how and why they operated the way they did, and more importantly because a new and effective model has either not been presented or remains in obscurity. There's a lot of experimenting going on out there and just as many ways to hear about it through our hyper-connected media.

 

As cultures continue to smash together, fuse and evolve it will be fascinating to see what becomes of the romantic relationship in the coming decades.

[Spectre]

Cheating scares people because the relationship will never be the same. You might get cheated on and forgive and stay with them, but it won't ever be the same. You won't ever be as happy as you were. You will constantly question yourself, have trust issues, have constant triggers, and sometimes just get mad at your partner without the need of a trigger.

 

That is why, because even when someone says they can forgive you for cheating the truth of the matter is? They are probably deluding themselves. It is a combination of them loving the other person so much they are stupid enough to stay and also feeling like they can't do any better. They don't realize that when it comes to cheating..dating a blowup doll would be better then a person who cheated on you.

 

I once forgave a cheater, but then I did not trust her one bit. I didn't trust this girl to walk down the street to the friggin grocery store by herself without cheating somehow. That sounds crazy, but it's the mentality you have once you are betrayed. Then I begin to feel bad because..nobody wants to be that one controlling guy, but then you get UTTERLY pissed for being bad over that because this person brought this on themselves so you should not have to feel bad, but you do anyways. Then how do you explain to her family/friends why you don't trust this person so much? Why you don't trust her to even have a girls night out? The only way to do so is to air your dirty laundry by saying "because she can't keep them legs closed, that is why" and then suddenly *you* sound like the douchebag.

Edited October 27, 2014 by Spectre

[smackie9]

This all started with the invention of the birth control pill, not the Iphone or FB. The pill is what launched the sexual revolution in the 1960's. Women could have control over when, how many, or not to have children. It gave all of us sexual freedom, and less worry of getting pregnant from indiscretions. Also with this it also gave women freedom to have careers, and be less dependent on men, financially. Same applies today.

 

I agree technology has made the temptation to cheat easier because of acceptability, BUT it's also easier to get caught as well.

[carhill]

That brings up a good point, that fear of the 'milkman's baby' and attendant social consequences reinforced societal inhibitions to betrayals of any kind, from when a child is first socialized into a family.

 

People who have no socialized inhibitions, or exhibit mental disease or defect which obviates inhibitions or 'fears', are not terrified by cheating, or anything else, save perhaps death and, with some, even that fear is questionable.

 

OP, the only person you can ever be 'sure' about is yourself. IMO, it's fruitless to speculate on the actions or thoughts of others, save for those which impact or have impacted you directly, and then only what you can verify. It's a big unknown, generally, save for a dispassionate analysis of the milkman's baby.

[Haerts]

Thanks everyone for replying.

 

While I'm against cheating, sometimes I really do wonder if it shouldn't just be allowed. I have to be honest here and say that it is kinda scary to think that someone who's currently in your life (bf, fiance, husband, whatever), will be the only one you'll kiss or have sex with during all your life time, considering you're meant to be together.

 

Before breaking up with my ex, I felt a little trapped, but wanting to be with him was bigger than wanting to be with someone else, although I believe with time that could've changed?

 

At the end of the day, we don't want to be cheated on 'cause that would mean rejection, you'll feel like you're not good enough and that your partner would rather spend his time with someone else than you. Sometimes that's not even the case. It's just that they want to experiment with other people? That shouldn't be wrong, should it? I mean, people deserve to go out with others. But then I think: what if they experiment with other people and find out they're better than I am? Wouldn't that show that they aren't happy enough with me then? But then again, if they found something better, doesn't that means that we weren't meant to be anyway? And then it woud be better in the long run?

 

I don't know, it's such a controversial subject. I have an open-mind, but I've experimented enough and I know that what I want is someone who'll stay with me for a long time. Casual sex is great too, but having sex with someone you love is so much better...

Edited October 27, 2014 by Haerts

[acrosstheuniverse]

No offense & you do seem like a good person, but your kinda contradicting yourself about hating cheating since you willingly slept with others who had girlfriends already. How do you think that girl would feel if she found out that you slept with her boyfriend who's your friend. I would hope you have no contact with him anymore at all. So even you have been involved in this not just once, but a few times.

 

No offense taken. I agree, I would never go down that road of being the 'cheatee' again. It happened at a time in my life when I was pretty broken and upset, it's no excuse (to risk wreaking the same on someone else) but it was totally outta character.

 

It definitely taught me I'd never go there again. I have sporadic contact with the two guys in question (maybe a text or a facebook 'like' once in a blue moon) and have never met their girlfriends. Not that it makes it any less of a bad thing to do, but I managed it precisely because I could disassociate.

 

I'm no angel and the whole experience taught me that. I always thought I was above any of that stuff, like I couldn't hurt others in that way. Turned out I was as infallible as everyone else, which was a weird enlightening.

[Woggle]

I have never cheated and never will tolerate being cheated on. I don't care what the rest of the world does but those are the standards I have in my life.

[BuckleShuffle]

I know people that are incapable of cheating. The difference is the people who cheat are against cheating and believe it to be immoral but under emotional and domestic circumstances have a moment of weakness. But those who never cheat HATE cheating; the thought makes em furious. I'm against it so much, that if a friend of mine was cheating, i wouldn't be his/her friend. I don't want that kind of s**t remotely around my life.

[Woggle]

I know people that are incapable of cheating. The difference is the people who cheat are against cheating and believe it to be immoral but under emotional and domestic circumstances have a moment of weakness. But those who never cheat HATE cheating; the thought makes em furious. I'm against it so much, that if a friend of mine was cheating, i wouldn't be his/her friend. I don't want that kind of s**t remotely around my life.

 

This is the way I feel.

[jbrent890]

There have been a lot of studies and stats on this. Sadly, around 50% of people will cheat in their lifetime. However that number decreases dramatically to 25% for males and 14% for females once you get married. It's also a age dependent thing. In my 20s, a lot of my friends were cheating or got cheated on. Personally I just don't believe that people have the maturity to seriously date in their 20s. Talk to your partners and let them know your stance on it. It's a conversation I wish I had. Most people assume that fedility is just implied, but now it has to be drilled in your partners heads. "You cheat your gone." It's as simple as that. Make sure you stick to your guns as well.

[lolablue17]

Cheating is a matter of geography, and also chronology.

 

Geography: In iran if a married woman is just seen talking with another man on the street, She is definitely considered as a cheater. There are some tribes in south America and Africa in which polygamy is allowed and welcomed.

 

Chronology A: there were periods in which a man had many wives.

Chronology B: There are men who are jealous if their wife had sex with others, even it was before they met her.

 

Today most of us know that we can't fulfill ALL her needs, and we acknowledge that she sometimes needs a male friend or friends as well. And we allow it and even welcome it. Why not go one step forward and let her enjoy his other advantages?

[No Limit]

I have never cheated and never will tolerate being cheated on. I don't care what the rest of the world does but those are the standards I have in my life.

 

This. Just because many others do it doesn't mean you have to do it too.

If everyone were to jump off a cliff, would you follow them too?

 

Personally I think that even though I won't ever cheat in my life, there's still the 'cult of "I"' mentioned above in my mind. I'll replace cheating partners so fast they'd find themselves begging a door for a second chance.

[Haerts]

I wouldn't be able to tolerate cheating either, once you're in a serious relationship, it's like there's a contract which states you shall not cheat. If you do cheat, then you're breaking that contract.

 

Just like I said, I get scared everytime I think of cheating, especially if it comes from someone who I really love. Wanting or not, you're going to have a bad time getting over and no one wants to go through hard times. I'm with Woggle though, cheating shall not be tolerated.