She left me - out of the blue

[ralfgarnett]

That don't sound good......

 

 

I agree mate, almost as if nowt ever happened, big hugs, beer pressies, kitty pressies, then back out into cloud cuckoo land, she has been having almost permanent panic attacks, irritable bowl, hair loss, weight gain, so leaving me has done her the world of good NOT

[ralfgarnett]

Morning Richie we made it mate xmas day has been and gone and we are still here in one piece, it is 364 days until we have to face it again and god knows what will of happened by then or even where we will be then, we have survived both our birthdays and Christmas without them that makes us survivors so we have survived mate, was it that difficult ?, ok I admit I wobbled a bit yesterday afternoon and I woke up missing her today but those are only human frailties and part of the grieving process so very natural and who's to say they don't feel the same about us ?,just because they might not directly say it doesn't mean they aren't fragile too, so ping me a reply when you can mate it would be good to hear from you today, I am around until about 1pm when I am going doing a tour of our local boozers with a pal of mine so if you fancy a bit of dialogue I am here for a while yet, failing that I will be around this evening as normal.

Edited December 26, 2014 by ralfgarnett

[Richiebuoy]

Thats a very up lifting post and most of me agree's though a bit of me, probably like you, just wishes she was here and everything was fine.

 

10 o'clock this morning saw me at the Next sale, along with hundreds of others, I fancied some new clothes, I rummaged along the rails but nothing was jumping out at me or I wasn't in the mood, either way I left with nothing and wondered over to McD's for a cuppa tea.....

 

Not sure if i told you but I did join that gym, I'm going for the induction at midday and then to my daughters at 2 for a Boxing day buffet.

 

Looking at what i just wrote, it seems my life has become a little ..... boring. It will get better.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Richie yes of course mate I wish she was here and everything was fine, but she isn't so I have had to get on with it, I don't like it that much as with you I'm lonely and scared very scared, but muddling through, in my opinion your life isn't any more or less boring than mine you have some structures and plans in place that's all, if you didn't then your life would be boring, good luck at the gym I wish I could do that but my knee wont allow, have a nice time at your daughters it must be nice to be with close family I wish I had some but I don't and there is nowt I can do about that.

[DSP]

Women look at them from an emotional angle. Its all about how it makes them feel. Seriously that's all they really care about.

 

At the moment your wife FEELS she no longer loves you - that's why she left. Trying to sit her down and having a logical conversation with her about the issues and problems you had and what you will do to fix them is not going to change her mind. Why ? Because that's a logical argument it doesn't change her feelings. The feeling of love to her is already gone and no amount of you telling her you will change things or fix things will bring it back. The last thing she wants to do right now is sit down and talk about the problems in your relationship. Seriously it is the very last thing on her mind.

 

The way to make her feel love or attraction for you again is to make yourself the best and most attractive version of yourself you can be. To deliberately withdraw from her and show her you are coping, moving on and in fact thriving without her. The most powerful human instinct is that people want what they can't have. If you make yourself less available to her, move on with your life she will likely be drawn back to you.

 

When my EW left all I wanted was her back and for our family to be together. I was perplexed as to why she would leave me. What did I do to deserve this? I was hard working, attentive to her and our children, smart, great provider, great job, confident, attractive, out going and loved her greatly. We were just on a great vacation together and had the time of our life two weeks before. WTF happened??

 

I went back to finish the degree I had started, but never finished. I got into therapy to find what made me wrong. I stopped drinking alcohol. I rebuilt relationships that I had burned in the past. I became even more attentive to my children.

 

After a couple of months I started to realize something.

 

School work was a nice distraction and gave me a goal to accomplish. I have to stay up to date with my certifications for my engineering career so I never really stopped learning and I realized that the degree would be a nice feather in my cap.

 

When trying to get her back in the beginning of the break up she told me I cared more about my career than my children. Complete lie and was easily disproved. This was not something that drove her away.

 

I've always been a good father. I've always taken my children out and about and been in their lives. I never neglected or abused them. She stated I never spent time with my children and was a bad father. I have many pictures hanging on my walls to prove otherwise. After she left I just turned this up to 11 and it was great advice that I listened to. So even though this was great advice this couldn't have been the problem as to why she left.

 

In my early 20's I used to drink on the weekends as most people tend to do. Due to job constants, age and family commitments I couldn't do it as much. Before she left I drank 4-6 beers or 2-4 mixed drinks on either a Friday or Saturday night or on Holidays. She said she never wanted a man who drank alcohol and that I was always drunk. I pointed out the fact when I spoke to her that I can't always be drunk due to the fact I needed to be sober for my responsibilities. This was not why she left.

 

Therapy was a great place to have someone to listen to me. I got some great tips on how to deal with a horrible situation that was out of control and foreign to me. After a while though the therapist was telling me I was doing everything right and to just keep doing it. I admit I didn't handle some of our arguments correctly. I could have listened more, but she could have done more herself and I have stated this to her as well. This wasn't why she left.

 

I've been employed and have moved up the food chain in employment never back stepping. I have been financially responsible my entire life. I have been a great provider and partner showing love, care and attentiveness throughout our 15 year relationship. I am attractive and have no trouble finding mates. I can speak intelligently, I have friends that I've known for over 20 years, I am still outgoing, but I do not drink anymore.

 

I did the 180, NC and rebuilding of myself.

 

My Ex simply wasn't "happy" anymore and had many people to tell her she needed to leave and find that happiness. In listening to this advice she left behind a house, love, financial security, emotional comfort and broke up our family irrevocably hurting our children emotionally and mentally with her future actions.

 

My Ex is now spiteful and hateful towards me. She does not find me attractive in any way and actually seems to hate me now. She is also unattentive to our children and takes her rage and anger out on our eldest child. Any perceived pain to me is joy to her and makes her happy. She started an affair with another man and left me out of the blue. No signs of unhappiness and no warnings, such as "we need counseling or I'm leaving." I asked for none of this.

 

Sometimes people are just broken inside and do not posses the skills to find out why and how to make themselves better. Sometimes 180 backfires as it did for me. There is no logic to the situation. There will be no logical closure for you. Sometimes you just have to cut the cord of hope and walk away from the situation and try as best as you can to move forward.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Richie how are you mate, I know you don't like weekends so I am here for a couple of hours before I go out for a pint

[Richiebuoy]

Thanks for your thoughts Ralph. In and out today, trying to keep busy, watched The Eagle Has Landed this safter followed by the film Dads Army...and soon a good Top Gear show is coming on..... the one where they get into trouble in S.America....if thats keeping busy...... hows you ?

[ralfgarnett]

Not too bad, a few of us went out at tea time in to town for a few beers and a Chinese banquet and very nice it all was too, not sure what I'm up to today though will have to wait and see what transpires but im sure it will be nothing too exciting.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Richie hows things ?

[Richiebuoy]

Dunno, things seem low, lots to do but no motivation.......life is crap right now. Hows you ?

[ralfgarnett]

Same here mate, had a bad couple of days feeling very lost and lonely, the silly cow really got to me yesterday as she changed her mobile number but wont give it to me as she sees it as a way to move on if I cant phone her, thing is I rarely phone her but email her instead as that's free, the only time I have phoned her is in emergency or to offer a kind gesture of some kind when I am out and see something relevant, for example I went in to town on Saturday and while there I rang her to ask if she needed anything so much for being thoughtful, but her changing her number and not telling me got to me because its totally out of character but also it made me feel very insignificant where at one time not that long ago I was important to her and its things like that get to me because I have done nowt wrong and it hurts me to be treated that way, still bouncing back today going to have an earlyish night and a good kip and hoping things will seem better tomorrow, I have had to remind myself that its Monday and Monday is always my worst day of the week, do you find sleeping helps you mate ? I see it as a way to escape and to be me for as many hours as I need.

[LifesontheUp]

Life has its ups and downs. You may not see it now but you'll start to have more ups than downs.

 

Remember, you were both individual people before you met your wives. I know its hard, but try and get out there and get busy. Maybe take up past hobbies that may have fallen by the wayside over the years? Or take up new ones.

 

Thinking of you both, and hoping things will start to pick up soon.

[Richiebuoy]

Thanks Lifey.

 

Sometimes Ralph i think there is hope for you, but then changing her number like that.....why ??

 

I have stopped having a drink at night, thinking its not so good in the long run, but now I have trouble in getting to sleep. Whatever i do I cant seem to win.

[ralfgarnett]

Thanks Lifey.

 

Sometimes Ralph i think there is hope for you, but then changing her number like that.....why ??

 

I have stopped having a drink at night, thinking its not so good in the long run, but now I have trouble in getting to sleep. Whatever i do I cant seem to win.

 

I don't think she really knows what she is doing or even what she fully wants, I have had 2 nicey nicey emails from her this morning but not sure if I should reply or not, the nice polite well brought up me normally would but the confused sad lonely empty narked me says no to and I don't think that I will as I cant see what can be gained from it.

 

Hi Richie all quiet on the western front here any news your side mate ?

Edited December 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Steen719]

I'd be darned if I would answer her "nicey, nicey" email after she changed her phone number and won't give it to you! Get mad, you should be. She is so manipulative - hedging her bets, she is. Dangling you on a string and you are playing right into her plans.

 

 

Get mad, leave her alone, do not respond unless it is absolutely necessary for business - Get busy, get up, get out and live life. At my worst when I was in a seemingly bottomless pit of despair and self-pity (this is me, I am not saying you), someone told me - kindly - to get up and help myself out of the pit. She said I would never get anywhere continuing the way I was. She was right. I was hurt by it, a little mad at her, but she was right. Enough was enough and I was not going to live my life with pain and disappointment because someone who didn't deserve my consideration. Was I immediately better? No, I was not. But I started living for myself and made some positive steps to make my life better.

 

People will tell you to do the 180, ignore her and maybe then she will come back. I say do the 180, ignore her and maybe you will come back.

 

Also, I was grateful later for her push. Very grateful and felt it was the beginning of my healing, genuine healing.

Edited December 30, 2014 by Steen719

[ralfgarnett]

I'd be darned if I would answer her "nicey, nicey" email after she changed her phone number and won't give it to you! Get mad, you should be. She is so manipulative - hedging her bets, she is. Dangling you on a string and you are playing right into her plans.

 

 

Get mad, leave her alone, do not respond unless it is absolutely necessary for business - Get busy, get up, get out and live life. At my worst when I was in a seemingly bottomless pit of despair and self-pity (this is me, I am not saying you), someone told me - kindly - to get up and help myself out of the pit. She said I would never get anywhere continuing the way I was. She was right. I was hurt by it, a little mad at her, but she was right. Enough was enough and I was not going to live my life with pain and disappointment because someone who didn't deserve my consideration. Was I immediately better? No, I was not. But I started living for myself and made some positive steps to make my life better.

 

People will tell you to do the 180, ignore her and maybe then she will come back. I say do the 180, ignore her and maybe you will come back.

 

Also, I was grateful later for her push. Very grateful and felt it was the beginning of my healing, genuine healing.

 

 

I feel so much in a rut and seem to go round in circles, only this evening before I saw that you had replied I was just sitting here thinking what the hell has happened to me and why I don't deserve this she is the one with the problems not me I am feeling a bit low tonight but also feeling a bit tired which doesn't help my mood

[chew123]

Ralf,

 

Steen provides some good advice. I have taken some steps back myself lately. I think the holidays and my birthday as well as finally informing my son and all of her family has set me back quite a bit.

 

I imagine the holidays and your birthday set you back.

 

No none of us deserve this, but it is what we have. The only way we can beat it is to move forward. I know it is hard. Had one of my biggest wins ever at the casino this weekend and you know what i did not give a crap one way or the other. Life just feels hollow right now.

 

We will beat this and come back better then ever, because there is no viable alternative.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Chew I appreciate everyones advice as I am sure Richie does, I just wish I had a plan to move forward, I hate my life at the moment im in a terrible rut with emotions, pain, work, worry everything but you know what I mean as we all must go through similar emotions in our horrible situations, I just wish it was all over, I still miss her like mad and I am pretty certain that inside somewhere I really love her even though through her stupidity and destructive behaviour life is and has been sheer hell since the eveing of july 9th 2014, a date that will be with me for the rest of my life because I effectively died inside on that lovely sunny summers evening, I am crying as I type this as it could all of been so very different had she stopped to think and talked to me to tell me she was having problems, and it is this that really bugs me as I cant help but feel that had she shouted up then we might of solved everything and we would be here at home looking forward to the New Yaer

[LifesontheUp]

Ralphie, you don't know it would have been different if she had told you. It could be she would still have left anyway.

 

2015 starts in 10 hours, draw a line in the sand and make the decision to not dwell on the past but look forward to the future. You can do it, you were not always together with her, you had a life. I'm rooting for you, like a lot of others on here.

[ralfgarnett]

Ralphie, you don't know it would have been different if she had told you. It could be she would still have left anyway.

 

2015 starts in 10 hours, draw a line in the sand and make the decision to not dwell on the past but look forward to the future. You can do it, you were not always together with her, you had a life. I'm rooting for you, like a lot of others on here.

Agreed we weren't always together but since we were together life was the best it had ever been, I genuinely have no real desire to carry on living too long without her I just wish I could fall asleep and never wake up again, I don't mean suicide I haven't the guts for it I just mean to go to bed and not wake up next day, I hate my life now its boring its cold its meaningless and there is nothing at all to look forward to apart from living in a boring ugly town on a boring street with a boring life, my work is boring I hate working for myself now and have ltlle or no interest in kepping the business going im bored and in a rut and tbh I feel as tgough I am brcominhg boring myself as im so occupied with thoughts of her and us and our marriage or whats left of it, I was happy you see I was content with our lot and now here I am alone and lonely in our marital home I just want to leave and never come back again, I repeat I hate my boring life and I don't like myself very much right now I feel full of blame, full of regrets, full of misery, I just want it all to end asap

[LifesontheUp]

How are you today?

 

Why are letting your wife still control you when she's no longer there and has told you in so many ways she has moved on?

 

Its your life, while you are currently experiencing a down that doesn't mean you will never get back up. You've clearly put your wife on a pedastal which she doesn't belong on. I hope you'll come to realise that soon.

[ralfgarnett]

Feeling very down had a latesih night last night so a bit tired, im not letting hercontrol me I just miss her in everything I do and evryhere I go, we went to a local pub last night and at midnight so many couples were kissing and cuddling and that is what we used to do all the time, I felt like a spare part again and came home not much after that, I do agree though that I put her on a pedasatal my mate said the same last night, but at the time she deserved ti but not any longer even if god saw fit and brought us back together then things would be very very different but thsts just a dream because I don't think we will ever get back together although I wish we could as I said its just a dream

[Richiebuoy]

Its all very well (and very well meant) people saying move on, draw a line, start a new life etc etc ......but we're all different and maybe some of us have to 'get over' someone before they themselves can move on. How do you move on when your not over your ex.

 

I had thought about going out this New year myself but then I thought, how or indeed why would I go out without my 'babe' by my side. Why would I go to a party without my 'babe' with me.

 

I look at younger, sexy pretty girls but they have no comparison to my 'babe'. I think its impossible to move on until we have 'got over' ......

[LifesontheUp]

Its all very well (and very well meant) people saying move on, draw a line, start a new life etc etc ......but we're all different and maybe some of us have to 'get over' someone before they themselves can move on. How do you move on when your not over your ex.

 

I had thought about going out this New year myself but then I thought, how or indeed why would I go out without my 'babe' by my side. Why would I go to a party without my 'babe' with me.

 

I look at younger, sexy pretty girls but they have no comparison to my 'babe'. I think its impossible to move on until we have 'got over' ......

 

You move on by doing things like hobbies/interests that get your mind off dwelling on your "oh so wonderful relationship with the person you cannot obviously live without, but they can live without you".

 

Moving on doesn't mean you miraculously no longer love your wife, that would be stupid. To me stupid is continuing to wallow in it and not be pro active in trying to get through this.

 

Yes people take things differently, but sitting at home mourning the loss isn't going to make you feel any better is it? In fact it isn't bringing your wife back either.

 

You chose to be pro active or inactive.

 

Life is full of choices every day................

 

edited to add: I won't post again on here. Wish you all the best and hope that one day you will see that it is your decision on whether you recover from this or not.

Edited January 1, 2015 by LifesontheUp

[Richiebuoy]

Glad that you understand and have got the idea.......you didn't mention which was the best point to move on..... presumably to stop any stupidity, the day after she departed then ?