goldy Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 my idea of the psychology and why it will never work 1:the reason we fall in love is that it is easier to fall in love with somebody who is emotionally aloof, someone who doesnt make demands, he is someone who will never/can never make demands on us, someone we can not easily get hold of, we have to wait til they come to us 2:the reason we lose our power. we are available, even under these circumstances, the more time goes the more the mm thinks we think he owes us something, whether we say it or not the more he thinks we must be so in love with him, whether we say it or not, that we will put up with being second 3:the more powerless we become in the situation the more needy we appear 4:if we ever so much as state our needs we are out now try and turn it around in your mind and imagine the mm you are involved with getting a divorce and stalking you, telling you he neeeeds you, would you still be interested?? what are your views on why we get so hooked on mm much more so than other relationships. what is the psychological hook?? people say blah blah low self esteem blah blah, whilst i agree that that is partly true in most cases, i think its more than that that makes us fall so hard. and stay hooked too. why do they rarely leave their wives? apart from the obvious kids etc, i think if somebody was that in love they could find their was round that stuff in a sensitive way, it is complicated but i think it is more than that too which stops the mm from commiting to the ow. is it because they realise their power in the relationship as it stands? is it because they are afraid of losing that power? Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 Not true. Love will eventually die w/o demands on both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
goldy Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 Not true. Love will eventually die w/o demands on both sides.Q what makes you say that? Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 No one will love another for nothing. There should be something good to attract and exchange. Why we always hear" I left him/her bce of ........???". How many lovers broke off because of " ..poor sex, lack of attention, no time together ..etc." What are these? Aren't they demands? Name them whatever you may. Names make no difference. They are demands on both sides. Nothing comes for free. Link to post Share on other sites
goldy Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 oh i see. i meant demands for a commitment Link to post Share on other sites
CaughtUp Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 Where does this theory leave the people who are in love with a MM, but they don't know that he's married? Does the attitude that he projects still have the same effect? Would it also follow that then if the majority of MM left their wives for us that then we would lose interest? VERY INTERESTING THEORY!! I really like this one Goldy!! now try and turn it around in your mind and imagine the mm you are involved with getting a divorce and stalking you, telling you he neeeeds you, would you still be interested?? p.s. I don't think it is fair to equate the OW with a stalker though, because the one thing that the OW has that makes all the difference is the ok of the MM. Now a OW can turn into a stalker but I don't think the two are one and the same. Link to post Share on other sites
goldy Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 i wasnt actually meaning to equate the ow with a stalker, but yes i see what you mean i was saying the ow generally get needy. i was also exaggerating with the word stalking. but anyway, do you think you would still be interested in him? if he wanted a full on commitment with you? Link to post Share on other sites
goldy Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 where does it leave the ow who dont know he's married-Quote well somebody else said something about this in another topic but the mm has more confidence as they have less to lose, they have a fall back plan at home. also i think people can give out unavailable vibes just as people can give out needy vibes Link to post Share on other sites
MsMree Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 and the relationships we are in are all different - my relationship is VERY different and because of that i've come to realize that i cannot stereotype OW/MM relationship. I'm not sure why MM stay married to W they are evidently not in love with - yes, there is love, commitment, kids, etc. w/W, but i really think that the passion these men have w/their OW is miss'g in their M. IMO, this is why they do not leave - I WOULDN'T. If i had my family intact (somewhat) i was meet'g my obligations, and having passion in my life - WHY WOULD I LEAVE? It looks life these men have all their needs met. There is just so much more of the "Why" they don't leave or "Why" they do - I find that the closer my MM is gett'g to leaving the more fear i have about our future - but this is just human nature i suppose - Sorry if i diverted, Goldy. This topic should bring very interesting comments. Link to post Share on other sites
goldy Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 yes msmree i agree that that is probably why they dont leave. but what i was thinking about with the original post was why the relationship doesnt work. not why the mm doesnt leave. why it is so one sided aside from the obvious. i dont know msmree i know about your situation and it is quite unusual but then, why arent you happy? Link to post Share on other sites
lynnered Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 Originally posted by goldy my idea of the psychology and why it will never work 1:the reason we fall in love is that it is easier to fall in love with somebody who is emotionally aloof, someone who doesnt make demands, he is someone who will never/can never make demands on us, someone we can not easily get hold of, we have to wait til they come to us 2:the reason we lose our power. we are available, even under these circumstances, the more time goes the more the mm thinks we think he owes us something, whether we say it or not the more he thinks we must be so in love with him, whether we say it or not, that we will put up with being second 3:the more powerless we become in the situation the more needy we appear 4:if we ever so much as state our needs we are out now try and turn it around in your mind and imagine the mm you are involved with getting a divorce and stalking you, telling you he neeeeds you, would you still be interested?? what are your views on why we get so hooked on mm much more so than other relationships. what is the psychological hook?? people say blah blah low self esteem blah blah, whilst i agree that that is partly true in most cases, i think its more than that that makes us fall so hard. and stay hooked too. why do they rarely leave their wives? apart from the obvious kids etc, i think if somebody was that in love they could find their was round that stuff in a sensitive way, it is complicated but i think it is more than that too which stops the mm from commiting to the ow. is it because they realise their power in the relationship as it stands? is it because they are afraid of losing that power? 1. i disagree w/h i would much rather have someone around he was just all i ever wanted except for her in his life. 2 disagree (sorry)my XMM feels no one ever treated him so good he is so selfish he probly misses the way i made him feel ,and he has said i loved him uncondionally&i dont think he thinks he owes me he actully acts as if he thinks he owns meLOL 3 true 4 not true in my case ,once i did ,stated i eventully left after a few failed attempts tired of waiting for one day !! im just stating my situation so nobody get offended!! if he stalked it would freak me out!! but if he left and approached me right id give it a shot , i do love him &know he loves me , but that doesnt mean it will work out. Link to post Share on other sites
goldy Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 yes you would much rather have somebody around but the love grows so big and powerful because we are not feeling trapped nobody can fall in love under pressure right? so this is the least pressurised situation from where we stand. on the other hand i think they do get dependent for their ego fix but because the situation is an insecure one for the ow we give out more needy vibes than we otherwise would under different circumstances. they also have the hook i guess of not actually really being free to have us and the challenge of trying to keep us there against all common sense. Link to post Share on other sites
MsMree Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 and until i can plan a future w/him. I do know there are alot of OW who would be more than happy w/having my circumstances - NOT ME. I am WAY beyond the point of think'g perhaps "this" (being OW) could work - i don't want it to work in this manner - so, he made the statment of what his plans are - now we'll see. Link to post Share on other sites
goldy Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 do you mind sharing what his plans are? or is that too personal, i am just interested because your relationship is far from the norm and it interests me. Link to post Share on other sites
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