JadeStar Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 My husband and I have been married for almost ten years. About 2 2 1/2 years a go I noticed a change. Sometimes I wish I could go back to then and see if I could pick up on any other signals I may have noticed, but this is the main one that sticks out. My husband has always drank some. However, the change I noticed 2 years ago was he started to drink more. He became more snappy and short tempered. Yes I'm sure it was a combination of stress and the alcohol talking. He worked about 45 minutes to an hour from where we lived. He didn't care for where he was, being that it took him so long to get to and from work. Need less to say he was stressed because of that and the bullsh*t he had to put up with at work. I think thats understandable etc. He put in for a transfer and finally got relocated to being closer to home now. I know sometimes when peoples behavior changes theres a reason. It could be that he drank more because of the stress of the job he was at. He distanced himself from me and the kids some and seemed to wallow in his stress. I know this way 2 years ago, but the more I think about the more I wonder if it wasn't just the stress from his job for why he felt the need to drink. Our sex life hasn't been that great over the years and so I began to wonder if it was possible maybe he liked or was attracted to someone where he worked, and maybe that to contributed to him drinking, feeling guilty etc. A few weeks ago I asked him if he had ever been attracted to anyone else, just to see what he might would say. (Like he would tell me if he was, lol) Anyway this was his response to me, "Don't you think if I was attracted to someone else it would have been when I worked in (insert name of job)?" I then told him I didn't even mention his job back then. He then said, "Didn't you tell me 2 years ago when I worked at my other job, thats when you noticed a change in me?" I said "yes", he said "Ok then." Now I didn't ask what he meant by that, but its my thinking that maybe he was just making a statement in general that "if" he had been attracted to someone it would have been at his old job. Not meaning that he was. Does anyone think he was just meaning that in general? Or was this a way of saying "yes back at my old job I was attracted to someone else?" Sorry this is so long just to ask about that one statement. Thanks in advance. PS. I failed to mention that during that time there was alot of false accusations going on on his part, accusing me of things that wasn't true etc. Maybe the alcohol was making him paranoid, not sure. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 it's pretty clear that he was up to something at his old job. the reason he accused you of things and started arguments was so he could ease the guilt and justify what he was doing because he was "angry." sorry. that's what i see here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted March 12, 2005 Author Share Posted March 12, 2005 GirlDown don't be sorry, you're just calling it like you see it. It probably doesn't even matter now because that was 2 years ago and I may never know for sure anyway. He has always been kind of an insecure person anyway and his accusations he has said before. Even though he has been at this job near home for sometime now, there have been times he would still accuse me of things, not just when he was at his other job. He still drinks but not like he did. It was really bad back then. Even though it was 2 years ago when he was at the other job he was drinking more, the question I asked was just a few weeks ago. Guess now that I look back on it the more I thought maybe there was more to it than just being stressed. Once again I may never know. Anyway thanks so much for the reply. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 Hey Jadestar, Maybe since your H always been the one to accuse you because of his insecurity.. it is hard to say for sure if there was something going on at work or not.. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 it may not have happened, and if it did it doesn't mean it has to happen again. sometimes you just have to say to yourself, hey, what can i do about it now? no reason to obsess over it and beat yourself to death thinking about it. in any case, i hope it works out in a way that makes you happy. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted March 12, 2005 Author Share Posted March 12, 2005 lilmoma, you are correct, I think it would be kind of hard to tell when someone is accussing you if they have always kind of been like that, steming from their own insecurity. Of course there would probably be other signs too, which his was the drinking but it may have come from the stress he was under etc. GirDown, yes you are correct to, guess I shouldn't worry about it anymore since I would probably never know anyway. Its just that it crosses my mind sometimes. I will chalk it up to a not so great experience during that time, and let it go, thanks again for the replys. Link to post Share on other sites
Beth Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 It doesn't sound to me like there was something specific to the old job, or that there was any cheating going on. Could be, but it could be a zillion other things too. Has he been checked out medically? Perhaps he is suffering from depression. Millions of people suffer from undiagnosed depression, and sometimes a natural state of what should be temporary depression can worsen and become a chronic medical condition. Stress works on more than emotions and his physiology may have changed and the symptoms are behavioral. The red flag that I see is his drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted March 12, 2005 Author Share Posted March 12, 2005 Beth yes I agree the main red flag is the drinking. He as recently over the past few months admitted hes kind of depressed and that he has low self esteem. He has taken up walking and wanting to join a gym. Those are positive things and I'm all for it. I told him I love him the way he is, but he says him wanting to work out etc is a way to feel better about himself. The drinking he still does but not as much as before. He has also admitted he has a drinking problem and thats the first step to recovery. However he hasn't gotten any help for it yet. He says he can do it on his own. Maybe thats possible but I don't know to many people that drank like he has that can kick the habit by themselves. I have been in counseling myself as how to handle things. He wont go with me but has been to counseling before on his own. His sessions lasted about 6 weeks. It wasn't like AA either it was just a counselor out of the phone book. I understand too that no matter what I say he has to want to help himself. The first counselor he went too he went because I said something about it, he went for me not himself. I suggested AA meetings to him he said he would go, thats been about 6 months ago. Just recently within the past few months he has taken up walking and wanting to eat healthier. He feels that it will make look and feel better and maybe so even though I love him the way he is. I think one thing that has been frustrating for me is that when he comes home theres been so many times he acts as if he doesn't want to be here. I talk to him through out the day sometimes and he seems like hes fine at work but when he comes in he acts down and out. I feel like its me or he doesn't want to be here. I have people tell me its not you, its him, but I still feel that way when at work he seems fine then comes home and acts depressed to be here. Thanks for the reply. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Rosewilt Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 I know exactly how you feel. My H too, has had a problem with alchl. Did he come home late and smelling different? Men are smart to the perfume thing- did he cover it w/cologne or some other scent? If you think of it too much, you will get nuts!!! I too, wondered of all the things that was destroying are sex life- he blamed it on the drink. No he has not drank in 2 yrs- he blames it now on the baby Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 Originally posted by Beth It doesn't sound to me like there was something specific to the old job, or that there was any cheating going on. Could be, but it could be a zillion other things too. Has he been checked out medically? Perhaps he is suffering from depression. Millions of people suffer from undiagnosed depression, and sometimes a natural state of what should be temporary depression can worsen and become a chronic medical condition. Stress works on more than emotions and his physiology may have changed and the symptoms are behavioral. The red flag that I see is his drinking. the drinking is a problem yes, but the conversation he had with her (about acting differently at his old job and the possibilty of having an attraction to someone else at that time) plus the vague response (as in, "okay, then") are the red flags for the possibility of his cheating. i could see why you felt this way, jade. and i am glad to see you are trying to work things out within yourself. i wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted March 14, 2005 Author Share Posted March 14, 2005 Rosewilt, yes its amazes me how many times they will blame other people or other things instead of them taking some blame for themselves for why a situation might be the way it is. Most of the time when people blame others they are not owning up to their part of the responsibilty they have in the issue, then it usually will go unresloved until they do. I appreciate all the other replys too, thanks so much for listening. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 I failed to mention that during that time there was alot of false accusations going on on his part, accusing me of things that wasn't true etc. Maybe the alcohol was making him paranoid, not sure. That sounds like he is deflecting it to you when maybe he was abit flirty or something with someone else. Rosewilt, yes its amazes me how many times they will blame other people or other things instead of them taking some blame for themselves for why a situation might be the way it is. Most of the time when people blame others they are not owning up to their part of the responsibilty they have in the issue, then it usually will go unresloved until they do. I appreciate all the other replys too, thanks so much for listening. He does sound like he is depressed. The drinking is not helping. He may not be ready to see that he needs help. Sadly, ya can't help someone who doesn't want help or see that they need it. Right now it is safer and more comfortable for him in this negative place in his head because he knows how to deal with it...Drink and do nothing!! It's familiar and he knows what to expect. HE needs to talk to somebody and also start going to AA. I feel for ya, I'm sure this is really hard on you - Putting up with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Rosewilt Posted March 15, 2005 Share Posted March 15, 2005 It's hard to be strong and not to think of "what if". But try not to verbally acuse him of anything. There is no proof so there is no real way to tell. If he stars acting wierd again,then be suspicious. Has he cooled it w/the bottle? Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted March 15, 2005 Share Posted March 15, 2005 That's kind of a smart way to answer. On the surface it sounds like a "no", but if he was attracted to someone at that time, then he technically didn't lie with the response you posted. I don't think there is enough information in what you posted for someone to say he definitely was or wasn't up to something, but it is kind of shady that he avoided answering the quesiton definitively. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted March 16, 2005 Author Share Posted March 16, 2005 Rosewilt, he still drinks some wine and beer sometimes but not like he did. He hasn't brought anymore liquor in the house, you know the hard or harder stuff. Beer and wine don't seem to make him as ill and snappy but the liquor it would get bad when he would mix him some drinks. Tanbark, You're correct I probably didn't give enough info about what he said but thats all that he said when I asked him the question. Wheather he was attracted to someone or not I'll probably never know, so I'm willing to move on for now. I guess I can just learn from the things I have experienced in the past and take those as wisdom to maybe be more alert as to what may or may not go on in the future. Thanks again for the replys. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 Why don't you ask him what he meant by that statement? I can't believe you're asking people who don't know you at all. Aren't you curious to hear what he might say next? I don't think he'd be so dumb to say "if I were attracted, it was at my old job" and be completely serious and honest by that. He was probably playing with you. But you know his personality better than anyone else. After all, why do you care if he was attracted to someone 2.5 years ago? Don't dig too much, you may not like what you dig out. If he's been faithful to you for 10 years then why the hell are you making a problem over one sentence? You have sexual problems (sex not so great), drinking problems (I hope your children don't watch him drunk)...why solving the question with the least priority of all?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted March 18, 2005 Author Share Posted March 18, 2005 Thanks for your 2 cents Record, as I stated I'm willing to let it go because it did happen 2 years ago and I may never really know anyway. It just crosses my mind sometimes thats all. "I can't believe you're asking people who don't know you at all" In response to that statement, this is a site to get help/adivce etc on things thats why I posted, just as others do to. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 Yes, but others have different kind of problems. You're asking us what he meant by saying something. How do we know what he meant? As you saw, people had more comments about the drinking problem than his particular VAGUE statement. I just can't believe that after 10 years of marriage you're asking strange people 'what do you think he meant by that?' Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted March 18, 2005 Author Share Posted March 18, 2005 Its pretty simple, if you don't like my post or find it odd (which theres alot more odd posts than mine) then don't respond to it. People gave me there input just as you did which is fine but they aren't bashing me because of a question I asked. You're coming across as being pissy because of my post. so what if I don't know these people and they don't know me. Hardley do any of us know one another. We here to ask questions etc. Once again thanks for your 2 cents. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 You're missing the point. What I am saying is you should ask HIM cuz we can't possibly know what he might have meant by that statement. It really sounds weird and tricky. If I were you, I'd be curious to find out directly from him. It's not that I don't like your post, but just that some questions you can't ask people who don't know you or your husband. By the way, if that's the only thing that bothers you after 10 years of marriage, you're a lucky woman. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer You're missing the point. What I am saying is you should ask HIM cuz we can't possibly know what he might have meant by that statement. It really sounds weird and tricky. If I were you, I'd be curious to find out directly from him. It's not that I don't like your post, but just that some questions you can't ask people who don't know you or your husband. By the way, if that's the only thing that bothers you after 10 years of marriage, you're a lucky woman. i am sure she knows she can ask him. she knows we don't know her husband and his personality. she came for outside opinions, which is the entire point of this site. maybe she is deciding to talk about it with him, and came here first to vent, to get ideas, anything. so what? if it's making you this annoyed, ignore it. Link to post Share on other sites
WithOrWithoutYou Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 It's up to you whether you want to ask him, and I don't blame you for coming here for advice. Based on what you told us he said, I would say that there is probably more to the story. As you have already figured out (or you would not be here), your husband's answer is what could only be termed as "cagey". People who give cagey answers to difficult questions usually do so for a reason. Whether you want to ask what really happened, or let it go, is completely up to you. Your relationship might be better if you didn't ask, but it would be a whole lot more honest if you did ask, and got a straight (NOT a cagey) answer. But then, you already know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted March 19, 2005 Author Share Posted March 19, 2005 GirlDown and WithorWithout, my point exactly about why I'm here. Glad to know others get it. Record, I guess maybe I chose to not ask him what he meant by the statement and this is why. I asked him a question which is the question I put in my first post. I think its possible I have my answer already because of the way he answered he me. He went about it in a round about way. It seemed to me he was saying that he was attracted to another person. Go back and re-read what I wrote. The reason I posted this was to see if others got out of his statement what I did. Some may say yes others may so no, and thats ok. Its all about opinons, advice, etc. As far as you stating why should I even care after 10 years of marriage wheather he was attracted to someone else or not, well maybe its not that big a deal, however there were other things going on at that time that didn't add up, and I wanted to know was it possible his drinking was coming from the stress of his job or if he felt guilty for something else etc. I don't have to post or go into detail about it either. I posted my question, I got replys and thats all that matters right now. Oh by the way why should I even care after 10 years of marriage? I think it says I'm a pretty damn good person to care, wheather its been 10 months or 10 years. And thats all I have to say about that. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 Originally posted by JadeStar GirlDown and WithorWithout, my point exactly about why I'm here. Glad to know others get it. Record, I guess maybe I chose to not ask him what he meant by the statement and this is why. I asked him a question which is the question I put in my first post. I think its possible I have my answer already because of the way he answered he me. He went about it in a round about way. It seemed to me he was saying that he was attracted to another person. Go back and re-read what I wrote. The reason I posted this was to see if others got out of his statement what I did. Some may say yes others may so no, and thats ok. Its all about opinons, advice, etc. As far as you stating why should I even care after 10 years of marriage wheather he was attracted to someone else or not, well maybe its not that big a deal, however there were other things going on at that time that didn't add up, and I wanted to know was it possible his drinking was coming from the stress of his job or if he felt guilty for something else etc. I don't have to post or go into detail about it either. I posted my question, I got replys and thats all that matters right now. Oh by the way why should I even care after 10 years of marriage? I think it says I'm a pretty damn good person to care, wheather its been 10 months or 10 years. And thats all I have to say about that. Jade yeah! and i am pretty sure i might be devastated to learn i'd been cheated on, whether it be after 3 months of dating or 30 years of marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 Jade, don't blame yourself for his drinking, it's his genes or character or whatever... If we were talking in person, you would have known that my comments were not hostile, you just interpreted them that way. The thing is, after 10 years of marriage, you not only don't know what he meant, but you also don't trust him and are afraid to ask him what really happened...That's not good. Liv Ullmann, a famous Swedish actress said: "When you love someone, you can't cheat on him; if you don't love him, then there's no one to cheat on." Think about it and relate it to your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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