, I don't know .

[Shymai]

Hi.

 

Me and my partner (we are both women), have been together for nearly 10 years. We are in the process of moving to America (her native country) and we have been apart since May. I live in the UK. Over the last few weeks she has been showing signs of stress because she is trying to buy a house for us. I have tried to be as supportive and sympathetic as I can but she has decided that I know nothing of how she is feeling and has now forbidden me to talk about anything to do with our future, including our living arrangements and wedding, as my questions are putting too much pressure on her. She has hired a wedding planner and has told me to just keep out of things, and that I should think myself lucky I am having everything done and paid for me. The truth is, I am ashamed of the fact I cannot help more and wish she would just run ideas by me so that I can feel involved in some way. I have offered up what little savings I have but she has refused them.

 

It is not that I don't trust her, I just want to be involved in planning a future together. Is that wrong? She says I am putting pressure on her and doesn't understand why I need to be involved in the decision making, as ultimately, it is up to her and her parents, as, it seems, they will jointly own the house we are moving into - something else that wasn't properly discussed with me either. When she left I was under the impression we were going to rent somewhere ourselves. She even saved extra money to help support us until I am allowed to work. I have tried to be as accomodating as I possibly can, but she has now taken it further. She won't call me, and her emails have become cold and snappish. All I have asked for is her her to stop being so cold towards me and to stop saying mean things and stop twisting my words into something unreasonable that I didn't say.

 

It seems that no matter what I do or say or how nice and accomodating I try to be, it is wrong and it has gotten to the stage that I can't tell her my fears and how much she is hurting me because apparently I am being selfish and not taking the pressure she is under into consideration. I now have no power or say in any aspect of my future with her and I am not even allowed to discuss the way she is making me feel. We can only talk at weekend because of work and the time difference. When she didn't call yesterday I asked if she was going to. She e-mailed me this morning to tell me she was too busy to call and that we could talk next weekend. I later found out that she just went to the cinema. I am so very hurt by this.

 

I don't want to throw away a 10 year relationship. I love her, so much so that I put having kids on hold until she was ready, and if we break up I am afraid I will never be a parent - my dearest wish. But I have a feeling it is already out of my hands. Last time we were apart for a long time, she phoned and dumped me completely out of the blue. She changed her mind, but I am so afraid it will happen again. If we do talk next week I am scared of what I will say. I love her so much, but I am hurt and confused by the way she is acting towards me. If I threatened to end it unless she started being a little nicer, she would probably tell me to go ahead. She is stubborn, even when she knows she will lose out. It's not really my style to threaten like that anyway, but I don't know what I am going to say to try to salvage things, and I can't let her to continue to treat me like this. My heart is breaking.

[ExpatInItaly]

She sounds like a cold, controlling a*s. I'm sorry you're in so much pain, OP, but please do not move to be with her. Moving to another country where you will be financially dependent on her is very unwise; you already have zero say in anything. That isn't likely to improve one bit when you're on her home turf. Don't go.

 

She can't even manage a once-a-week phone call, and you're forbidden to discuss your future with her? She's already checking out. I think she's detached from the relationship and it has become toxic and totally one-sided. You may not want to throw away 10 years, but she already is. You're just not a priority to her.

[Shymai]

I see what you are saying. What I can't understand is that she wasn't acting like this until a week or two ago. If she doesn't try to contact me this week (and I don't think she will) I am ending it. It's probably what she actually wants anyway. Its just that I have given up everything to be with her and she has been fine until she left. I am now living in a flat with my mum while she got a place to live in America - a way for me to save money. I can't afford to move out and getting a decent paid full time job has been damn near impossible since I left Uni. No one is going to want to start a family with someone who lives in a tiny flat with their mum and has such a crappy income. I'm getting old and time is running out for me.

[Shymai]

She sounds like a cold, controlling a*s. I'm sorry you're in so much pain, OP, but please do not move to be with her. Moving to another country where you will be financially dependent on her is very unwise; you already have zero say in anything. That isn't likely to improve one bit when you're on her home turf. Don't go.

 

She can't even manage a once-a-week phone call, and you're forbidden to discuss your future with her? She's already checking out. I think she's detached from the relationship and it has become toxic and totally one-sided. You may not want to throw away 10 years, but she already is. You're just not a priority to her.

 

 

I just wanted to update. You were completely right. She tried a little bit after things calmed down, and I tried my best not to wheel out my own insecurities every time she said or did something dismissive, because I know how difficult that can be to live with. This went on for some weeks. She got friendlier, but then it all went wrong. the night after we had a discussion where she said there was no point in me visiting until she found us a house, and bearing in mind that she said she never has any spare money or time, she revealed that one of her friends from the UK was visiting and she was going to take the friend to Vegas. I couldn't overlook this one, it was just hurt piling on hurt. When I objected she got incredibly defensive and said that I'd always been jealous of her friends and made her feel bad every time she went out with them. (this is simply bull****. she didn't have friends for years in the UK and I was so relieved when she finally made some). She then told me she changed her mind about having kids. So I called her bluff and she immediately found another excuse.

 

I am completely heartbroken. I have waited 10 years for her to be ready to start a family. I put so much of my life on hold while she prepared to move back to the USA. I let my mum move into my flat (which I wouldn't have done if I had known I would be staying), and I wrote off some debt by getting a DRO (kinda like bankruptcy) on the assurances that she would not leave me behind. I would not have gotten the DRO if I knew I was staying. I had other options to manage my debt, which, incidentally, wasn't even mine. I can't so much as open a bank account and I can't move out of my flat. She has ruined any chance I have of starting a family with someone else. She promised me everything I wanted, strung me along and then took everything away from me. She has completely destroyed my life and my hopes for the future.

 

But apparently she loves me, so that's ok, right?

 

I hate the fact that I miss her. Everything reminds me of her. How can I still love someone who would abandon me like this? I want to be over her. I feel like my life is over.

[okc85]

Your girlfriend sounds like she checked out the relationship. I'm sorry. You're better off without her, though. And who cares if you live with your mom right now. Life is cyclical, things are temporary. A person who is really into you won't hold that against you.

 

But why do you keep saying you can't have kids anymore? Or do you mean your chances at having a 'biological baby' are over? Is adoption out of the question?

[Shymai]

UK adoption is horribly difficult, even for straight professional working couples. I don't stand a chance, even with adoption agencies claiming they are making it easier to adopt, which they simply aren't. I know a married couple who have been trying to adopt for over 5 years. They are practically perfect. Any child would be lucky to have them, but they keep getting held back for obscure reasons. I don't know if I could handle being rejected by the adoption services along with everything else. I don't want a complete stranger deciding whether or not I am capable of being a parent. I am a youth worker and I come across ****ty parents every day who don't deserve or appreciate the wonderful opportunity they have been given.

 

As for me, age isn't on my side. I have a short space of time left. with my mum living with me, I have nowhere to put a child.

 

And with this DRO hanging over my head, I wonder what is even the point. I can't move out, not without a lot of money. I don't want to get pregnant on my own. I'm afraid I will end up on a council estate with no prospects.

 

I know I am better off without her. But it doesn't stop me missing her. I truly loved her, even though I see now she didn't deserve me and I put up with way too much out of fear that I would lose her. I've spent years planning this move because its what she wanted. I made it my dream too and redirected my whole life. It's so painful to suddenly have it taken away like this. I just cant imagine any one else would want me, or if I could ever trust anyone again anyway. I've never felt I fit in anywhere and I can't imagine anyone would see past anything superficial about me to find out what I'm worth. Nobody seems interested in anything other than having fun and the way people seem to date now is very superficial. I cant tell by a photo on an app what a person is like in which case why would I talk to them? What happened to actual socialising? I'm not ready for that yet anyway, not for a long time, if ever again. I didn't want to raise a child by myself. I don't get along with my mum well enough to want to stay with her, but with such bad credit, I cant move. I wish I had actually done something terrible, then maybe I would feel like I deserved this.