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[Lovelikestarlight]

Hi. I came across this page when I was looking for some advice on my current situation.

I'm having (or was having? Not quite sure on that one yet) an affair with a married man...

 

This isn't the first time I've been the other woman. At 21, I met my best friend and love of my life. He was in a relationship when we met, we started seeing each other, falling in love etc. He had just proposed to his fiancée, and even went through with an engagement party before calling things off with her after a couple of months. We were together for 5 years, had no issues or regrets. He passed away in 2012, cruelly taken by cancer at such a young age.

 

As a side note, I have twin boys who are 12 months - they were conceived via IVF with my husbands sperm, after he died.

Around 3/4 months ago, I felt at ease with myself and allowed myself to move on with my life - maybe start dating! What I didn't think would happen was that me and a friends husband would start to get close... although I call her my friend, I've never really liked her all that much - she also had sex with a mutual friend at my husbands wake. This is when I lost all respect for her!! Anyway. Texts between me and the husband became flirtatious, growing into meeting him in secret. I've liked him for a long time, have always felt that he is under appreciated and put upon, he really is a genuinely nice guy - I think a lot of him.

 

We tried to stop seeing each other about 3 times in the beginning (this was before having sex), but strong feelings brought us back together. He confessed he'd been in love with me for years, but wouldn't leave his wife. I loved him too, and told him we would just see what happens. So about 6 weeks of meeting up, spending any time we could together, he said he wants to leave his wife and wants us to be together. He felt like he's been drifting, just getting on with things/daily life with no real feelings for her. He spends any spare time working on cars because he doesn't want to sit with her. He's not in love with her (cliche yep) and wants to be with me. Now I'm not stupid, I know marriage isn't all plain sailing and feelings of being totally in love 24/7.

 

I've repeatedly asked if he is sure about leaving her. The answer has always been yes, and plans for our future have been made - making a home together, days out with the kids, just normal day to day stuff aswell. So yes, they have kids too, which was the reason as to why he said he would never leave in the beginning. He has then said he would still see them every day and get joint custody, so was ready to leave her.

 

The wife has been suspicious of us for a little over a month now - sly remarks, making a lot of effort with the husband, not being overly friendly towards me. They've had a holiday booked for this week (they went on Friday) and he was going to tell her next Saturday once they got back.

 

I feel that the wife has used this holiday as the perfect time to get the truth out of him (which happened yesterday) - he wouldn't be able to leave her there alone, the kids are there, she can show him how great she is all week! So he's told her what's been going on, that he's in love with me and he's leaving. 3 hours of talks later and I get a message saying that no matter how much he loves me, he can't leave his wife and kids, he doesn't regret us etc. I was shocked! Never thought for a minute that would happen (I thought it would be the actual telling her that was the issue!).

 

The wife has text me to say he will never leave the family unit, I know she has laid it on thick with the kids - which was expected, we'd talked this through - he said he was ready for her to do that as it wouldn't be true.

So basically, I can't speak to him for another week. When I do, what happens? What do I say? I don't believe for a second that he will be happy if he stays with her, I also don't doubt his feelings towards me.

 

I love him and his kids very much. His kids are always thought of and I was looking forward to creating a new family unit together. I wanted to be happy again, I thought (and still hope) this was my chance, so I took it.

 

I've waffled I know. But feelings don't just disappear. I feel absolutely gutted about it all. I deserve it probably.

Edited October 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and language.

[FusionCutter]

<snip>.

I feel that the wife has used this holiday as the perfect time to get the truth out of him (which happened yesterday) - he wouldn't be able to leave her there alone, the kids are there, she can show him how great she is all week! So he's told her what's been going on, that he's in love with me and he's leaving. 3 hours of talks later and I get a message saying that no matter how much he loves me, he can't leave his wife and kids, he doesn't regret us etc. I was shocked! Never thought for a minute that would happen (I thought it would be the actual telling her that was the issue!). The wife has text me to say he will never leave the family unit, I know she has laid it on thick with the kids - which was expected, we'd talked this through - he said he was ready for her to do that as it wouldn't be true.

So basically, I can't speak to him for another week. When I do, what happens? What do I say? I don't believe for a second that he will be happy if he stays with her, I also don't doubt his feelings towards me.

I'm not a total bitch, although I sound like one I'm sure. I love him and his kids very much. His kids are always thought of and I was looking forward to creating a new family unit together. I wanted to be happy again, I thought (and still hope) this was my chance, so I took it.

I've waffled I know. But feelings don't just disappear. I feel absolutely gutted about it all. I deserve it probably.

 

He told you his position. Respect him. Walk away.

 

As for your second point. You need to stop caring so much about his happiness and worrying about your own happiness. Are you happy? Obviously not. How do you fix it? You fix yourself.

 

Sounds like you really love this guy. You can show your love towards by making a noble decision to stay out of his life and respect his family unit. But honestly. he told you he's never leaving. Listen to this. Believe it. He told you an absolute. You won't be able to change his mind.

 

Show him that you love and care about him by walking away. Not by further trying to penetrate his life. You've obviously been sacrificing in the name of love for this guy. Walk away. Leave him alone. That's how you respect yourself more and ultimately show him you care for him too. Strange concept, eh?

Edited October 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ComingInHot]

Wow. I am so sorry that you have chosen to go tnrough all of this. Have you ever thought of getting professional help for how you choose partners and or the grieving process possibly skewing the choices you're making today?

I think that instead of considering or even thinking and speculating about HIS Wife, THEIR Marriage and what he 'says' he told His Wife and what he 'says' His Wife said... focus on the freedoms YOU have to make healthy choices.

 

you may find a much brighter future filled with less drama that will allow you to focus on you beautiful babies and your emotional stability for them*

 

Let go of Married and taken men. Their Wives can be such a pain in the butt obstacle sometimes. Read around here and you'll see I'm correct. Love involved or not. Good luck!

CiH*

[Georgia2014]

Married men never leave their wives no matter what they say especially if they have kids. Why did you get involve knowing he was married? You were asking to be hurt by willfully getting involved with a married man. No matter how unhappy they claim to be they are not leaving their wife.

The just want the OW for fun on the side and an ego boost. Anyway why would you want to marry a man who cheated on his wife? How do you know he wouldn't cheat on you? I do hope next time you will pick a single man and avoid taken men.

Edited October 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ComingInHot]

Married men never leave their wives no matter what they say especially if they have kids. Why did you get involve knowing he was married? You were asking to be hurt by willfully getting involved with a married man. No matter how unhappy they claim to be they are not leaving their wife.

The just want the OW for fun on the side and an ego boost. Anyway why would you want to marry a man who cheated on his wife? How do you know he wouldn't cheat on you? I do hope next time you will pick a single man and avoid taken men.

 

I think because it worked for her the first time when she jumped in withe the guy who was engaged to another woman who she was with til he passed away. It kind of comes off to me like she just assumed because she believes she is better than His W, then he should too.

 

I also know that she would benefit from some external, professional support in helping her deal with why she is making the decisions she's making and why she feels men should just up and leave for her. She has babies that require the best she has to give, not someone involved in A drama because they chose to.

[jellybean89]

I think it is sad that you can't seem to form healthy relationships with unattached men.

 

I think it is very sad that you have allowed the children in all of this mess to be involved.

 

I can't tell from your post how long you have been in the affair, nor can I tell your age; but I think you are in your 20's (young) and the affair has been under 6 months?

 

I know your affair the first time 'worked out' for you; but that isn't likely to happen again.

 

He is MARRIED, with kids. Did you really think his wife was just going to say "okay honey, have fun with her" when he allegedly told her of the affair? Did you really think she would just turn and walk away? You claim to believe things about their marriage; but I can assure you, you are not getting the truth from him. No man books a holiday with the mean old wife while he is allegedly leaving her for his mistress. Nope, doesn't happen.

 

Believe him when he says he is staying. Don't try to figure out a way to get him to change his mind. RESPECT his decision and walk away with your dignity. Don't turn into some clingy, needy, desperate person who will beg for another chance to win him away from his wife.

 

Grieve the ending of this affair and I urge you to see professional help to learn why you have a pattern of going after committed/married men. Do it for the sake of your kids, if you won't do it for yourself. Good luck.

[truncated]

Sounds like you need to take a good look in the mirror. You say you don't respecxt his wife and act as if she is somehow being sneaky and sly. Wat the frig do yout hink you are doing? You are sleepingw ith her hsuabnd, planning on how you'e going to step into her kids lives, and rooting for her marraige to be over and she's the one who who is doing something wrong?

 

By the way, it's funny ( not humerous, just peculiar) that you feel you can look down on her for sleeping with someone during your husband's wake (I am assuming she was married to the guy you are seieng at teh time) yet it's fine if your married guy is cheating on her. How come he is worthy of respect yet she is not?

 

Do you see the hypocricy here? ( and no, I'm not a BS, I'm just stating the obvious

[Friskyone4u]

First of all, very sorry about you H being lost to cancer so young. But no you have to face the fact that this guy has not told you the truth. He probably thought he could leave his wife and kids, but either she has something that will make it even harder or he just chickened out.

Either way, you need to let go and find an unattached man to share your life with.

Remember, all evidence suggests relationships formed out of infidelity do not have a high percentage of love my term success. And whether she is a bitch or not your relationship with her husband was infidelity.

You can do better

[MissTakes]

What sucks about life is, we have to learn to let people make their own mistakes.

 

Which means that even if you feel like he's making a mistake right now, you have to let him do that all on his own.

 

And maybe he won't be happy. Maybe she is manipulating him. Maybe you are right for him. But the best thing you can do right now is to tell him, "Okay. I'm not happy with this decision, and if it was up to me, we would be together. But I love you, so I'm going to respect your decision. I'm not saying it's going to be easy for me. It won't be. But I respect you enough to live with this." And then really do live by it. Really do remind yourself every day that he's trying to make himself happy the best he knows how, and even if you don't agree with it, your interference at this point can only make it worse. And then figure out how to make yourself happy the best way you know how.

 

Good luck

[Justme19]

What sucks about life is, we have to learn to let people make their own mistakes.

 

Which means that even if you feel like he's making a mistake right now, you have to let him do that all on his own.

 

And maybe he won't be happy. Maybe she is manipulating him. Maybe you are right for him. But the best thing you can do right now is to tell him, "Okay. I'm not happy with this decision, and if it was up to me, we would be together. But I love you, so I'm going to respect your decision. I'm not saying it's going to be easy for me. It won't be. But I respect you enough to live with this." And then really do live by it. Really do remind yourself every day that he's trying to make himself happy the best he knows how, and even if you don't agree with it, your interference at this point can only make it worse. And then figure out how to make yourself happy the best way you know how.

 

Good luck

 

I couldn't have said this better!

[Sassy Girl]

I think because it worked for her the first time when she jumped in withe the guy who was engaged to another woman who she was with til he passed away. It kind of comes off to me like she just assumed because she believes she is better than His W, then he should too.

 

I also know that she would benefit from some external, professional support in helping her deal with why she is making the decisions she's making and why she feels men should just up and leave for her. She has babies that require the best she has to give, not someone involved in A drama because they chose to.

This. Spot on. And I'm an OW...

[Lovelikestarlight]

Thankyou for all the painfully honest replies. Im glad i posted here.

 

I wont reply to each post individually but...

 

The message he sent to me said - Im so sorry, but i cant leave my kids despite my feelings for you. *wife* knows im in love with you, that hasnt changed. I regret nothing we did or said, but regret how it has to end. You are so beautiful blah blah blah, someone is going to be very lucky to have you.

 

I guess, honestly, i feel like why would his wife want to be with him when she knows hes in love with someone else? I know she knows, as ive had messages off her aswell... I also feel that he said he would never leave because of the kids at the beginning of this relationship, but then changed his mind, independantly of anything i said. And suddenly after a few hours of talking to the wife, his mind has changed again? So maybe it will change yet again! Even as i type this, i realise how silly that sounds. God im pathetic.

 

Professional help... wow! I had honestly never thought about me going after (although i dont see it as that) married men like that. Im quite a shy person, i dont make friends easily.. Before meeting my husband, i only had fleeting relationships, nothing serious. Dating?! Yikes, the thought of going on dates, having to make small talk - not for me!! So i guess it was natural for me to form relationships with people i already knew? I didnt have to pretend to be someone i wasnt!

 

Yes, perhaps because my relationship with my husband did work out, i assumed this one would too. Maybe i will look into counselling, but ive never thought i needed it? My babies always come first, that is not an issue here.

 

No I dont respect his wife - not for cheating in general, just for doing it at my husbands wake.

 

Yep, i do need to take a good look in the mirror, im a total bitch. The wife is just protecting what is hers, i know this.

 

 

I feel somewhat stronger after reading all these replies. I certainly do not plan on being the deperate little bit on the side. I feel i need to talk to him still when he returns from holiday though. I need him to explain whats happened, i'm not the type of person to just let it be, i need to know everything :/ I can and will get over him, i can walk away from it.

[Lovelikestarlight]

What sucks about life is, we have to learn to let people make their own mistakes.

 

Which means that even if you feel like he's making a mistake right now, you have to let him do that all on his own.

 

And maybe he won't be happy. Maybe she is manipulating him. Maybe you are right for him. But the best thing you can do right now is to tell him, "Okay. I'm not happy with this decision, and if it was up to me, we would be together. But I love you, so I'm going to respect your decision. I'm not saying it's going to be easy for me. It won't be. But I respect you enough to live with this." And then really do live by it. Really do remind yourself every day that he's trying to make himself happy the best he knows how, and even if you don't agree with it, your interference at this point can only make it worse. And then figure out how to make yourself happy the best way you know how.

 

Good luck

 

Thankyou, this - i needed.

[ComingInHot]

LoveLikeStarlight wrote:

 

Yep, i do need to take a good look in the mirror, im a total bitch. The wife is just protecting what is hers, i know this.

 

Very True. You jumped into her marriage with only the approval of one party, and she is totally protecting herself, her marriage, her children her family, his family, their reputation in the eyes of their peers and possibly protecting his job from any harm you might cause them professionally if/when this gets out. Can't blame His Wife for that.

 

I feel somewhat stronger after reading all these replies. I certainly do not plan on being the deperate little bit on the side. I feel i need to talk to him still when he returns from holiday though. I need him to explain whats happened, i'm not the type of person to just let it be, i need to know everything :/ I can and will get over him, i can walk away from it.

 

It would be a huge mistake to talk to him unless it is with HIS Wife present otherwise that could blow up in your face as well. I say this for your protection as well as for the protection of their family which is in pieces right now because Her Husband slept around. He is a jerk of epic proportions to do this to His Wife, to His Children, His Family, Her Family and to you. I think you are still struggling and counseling really would help you in ways you haven't even recognized you need help**

It would also show great strength of character on your part to not continue to engage with Married men regardless of attraction and affection.

 

Last but not least, unless he told you anything in front of His Wife, then you cannot count on it to be true unless she confirmed it face to face. He lies. He will continue to Lie both to His Wife and to you. Do not believe a word he says or talk to him or see him until he can show you Finalized Divorce Papers. Then he can be all yours without cheating, lying, sneaking, and you further being a part of the destruction of his family.

You can be better than this. I just know it

CiH*

 

answers in bold

Edited October 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quotes

[gettingstronger]

I'm wondering if this started because you were vengeful against the wife- what she did at your husbands wake was pretty crappy for sure- I wonder if some place deep down you felt like you were a good wife and lost your husband while she was a crappy wife and got to keep hers-the whole life is not fair thing that I am sure would be natural and understandable during such a horrible time for you-

 

That being said- as you can see the path you decided on was not a good one for you- you ended up getting hurt again-I hope you get some counseling to deal with all the bumps you have suffered-some of which were out of your control, and some of which were all of your making-

 

Re-read what you have written and see how intertwined your feelings for his wife are in your thoughts- its pretty telling I think and something you need to address-

 

Good luck-

[Toodaloo]

How many times through all of this does he need to tell you he is not going to leave his wife and why on earth would you make a family unit if he is still with his wife?

 

Don't go and see him. Stop this madness, sort yourself out and go find a SINGLE AVAILABLE man.

 

You sound messed up OP. This is a large amount of drama and "rationalising"...

 

For what its worth most children are conceived around the time of funerals... a natural response is to reach out and grasp life while it is being taken away... It is none of your business who she has sex with. Granted you probably shouldn't have known it was at your husbands wake...

 

Careful here OP - wife now has ammo to make you look very bad with your social circle... the last thing you need is to lose all your friends because they think your going to steal their husbands... That is how it is going to look now... back away, stay away. No sweet good byes, no excuses or meetings.

 

The only thing you need to concentrate on are yourself and your children.

Edited October 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Dumped full quote of start post.