Confessed - **Updated**

[anne1707]

And this will be my last post on here as I am fed up of having to repeat myself as you choose not to believe what I say:

 

Anne I get what your saying, but your posts are still supporting my notion.

 

Disagree. You think I enjoyed hurting my husband. You are so very wrong on this.

 

This is the last time I'm going to bring this up because I see it's upsetting you, and that's not my goal.

 

Irritated, yes. Upset, no. As for your goal - I am not sure what that might be.

 

However, I do not think you came to your realizations during your affair. It probably wasn't until months of therapy where you realized your affair was on you.

 

Again wrong. I knew my affair was on me all the way through. I never put it on my husband in anyway whatsoever. Don't ever assume you know me better than I know myself.

 

Again, that's in hindsight. I understand that you did not want to deliberately hurt your husband, hince the secrecy, but I'm trying to elude to what your mindset was when your affair started to get physical.

 

You are making assumptions when you have never met me IRL

 

You said it yourself there were issues in your marriage due to both parties.

 

Yes but I also said that did not justify the affair and I have never said that.

 

When your affair started to get physical, I think a certain level of resentment for the spouse came into place. "We weren't having enough sex", "he spent too much time at work", "I felt like his roommate". All of these and more are something you told yourself at that point in time or before to help justify your actions.

 

Absolute bo**ocks. You really are just making stuff up here.

 

 

I'm glad you realized there were no justifications for your actions but that realization did not come until after the fact. That's the point I'm trying to make. I think your lying to yourself as a means to hold some shred of decency by not admitting that a certain level of resentment did come into play at that point in time in thinking.

 

Stop lying to yourself that you think you know me and my motivations, reasoning, etc. You are wrong. Again. I have never resented my husband, rewrote the marriage history, etc. Never.

 

Listen Anne, I don't know you or anyone else on here.

 

That is 100% obvious by the amount of stuff you are assuming and getting completely wrong.

 

I can only go by what you all post on here. I have read a lot of your stories and I'm proud to see a lot of personal growth.

 

After all your insulting comments above, the above feels a little bit smug in my opinion.

 

However, I feel that a lot of stories all follow the same pattern in which originally there was some resentment for the BS. It wasn't until things like coming on here, buying books, and going to therapy when the WS finally realizes their cheating was on them. I hope that help illustrates my point a little more.

 

That might be the case for some but not all. Some, like me, knew it was all on them throughout. You have illustrated that you continue to make comments and assume they apply to everybody. They don't. Simple as that.

[autumnnight]

Anne I understand what you are saying but you probably know being here longer than me that none of this is really about you. It is about what particular BH's have to believe in order to choose not to heal.

 

OP, I hope you find the peace and reconciliation you are looking for from people who have enough general empathy to care about YOU instead of use you as yet another personalization object lesson. Cheating is very very very wrong but you seem to show remorse and want to change so I hope you get the adult support you need.

[violet1]

So, scheming to meet the OM/OW, doing all you can do to keep the affair a secret from your BS, lying to your BS isn't 'deliberately setting out to hurt the BS'??

So, hadn't you thought of how your BS would feel if he/she ever found out? especially at the time of going all the way? wasn't he/she in your thoughts at THE moment? Why? Call it what you may, sugarcoat it as much as you want, but You knew it'd hurt your BS and yet you did it anyway - that, in my opinion, shows a deliberate intent to hurt the BS.

Most of us who have cheated didn't think we would get caught. If nobody knows, nobody gets hurt. I didn't deliberately set out to hurt my H. Cheaters lie to themselves. I convinced myself that my marriage was so bad that he wouldn't care if I got caught. I did everything in my power to cover my tracks. This worked well for about a year, but all it takes is one slip.

 

 

No, I didn't think about my H during my A. Again, I lied to myself. I thought that it was my turn to be selfish. Cheating is very self destructive. You lose your morals and dignity, hurt your family, etc. And for what? I know its hard to believe but cheating is not about the BS. It's something broken inside the WS that causes them to cheat.

[jbrent890]

Most of us who have cheated didn't think we would get caught. If nobody knows, nobody gets hurt. I didn't deliberately set out to hurt my H. Cheaters lie to themselves. I convinced myself that my marriage was so bad that he wouldn't care if I got caught. I did everything in my power to cover my tracks. This worked well for about a year, but all it takes is one slip.

 

 

No, I didn't think about my H during my A. Again, I lied to myself. I thought that it was my turn to be selfish. Cheating is very self destructive. You lose your morals and dignity, hurt your family, etc. And for what? I know its hard to believe but cheating is not about the BS. It's something broken inside the WS that causes them to cheat.

 

I understand that most of you didn't deliberately set out to hurt your spouses. But when I hear things like "my marriage got so bad", "there was a lack of intimacy", "he or she got boring", "they worked too much", I think there is a certain level of resentment that comes to play. Over the last few weeks I have read numerous studies and they all say the same thing "the vast majority of cheaters do not cheat in relationships they consider good." I'm sorry Anne if you feel that my post insulted you or any other WS. I can't speak for WSs because I'm not one. But when I read your stories and read the research, it is very easy to draw those conclusions. This is not a witch hunt. I'm not on here calling you horrible human beings. I am however expressing what I have noticed.

[Selfish]

I think people are trying to believe something really hard to the point of ignorance. They desperately want to completely demonize anyone who cheats to the max. I could lie and say I wanted to stick it to my partner but that is simply not the truth in my situation. The truth is I would have loved my husband to be okay with me experiencing new sex. As violet said. I convinced myself I wasn't hurting my husband. In fact when I went to confess the hardest part was knowing it would hurt him. And it did. The pain in his eyes is nothing I will ever forget. Nor should I. But before I decided to confess I always just told myself "he is happy and not in pain, so everything is okay". Now I know this isn't true but that is the lie I bought.

 

So no, sorry, in my case not one bit of me wanted to hurt my husband. When I chose to step out not one bit of me did so to spite my husband. I did it despite him. And as you are not me nor in my situation it is offensive to cling to a belief that doesn't line up with anything in life. People steal all the time even from their friends for their own monetary gain. They don't do it to hurt people. And unlike stealing where the victim usually instantly feels the loss of money with infidelity there isn't always an obvious instant consequence when not caught. I had an affair for my own selfish "gain". I neither resented my husband or wanted to hurt him and when I saw no sign of him being affected by what he did not know... I continued.

[Selfish]

I understand that most of you didn't deliberately set out to hurt your spouses. But when I hear things like "my marriage got so bad", "there was a lack of intimacy", "he or she got boring", "they worked too much", I think there is a certain level of resentment that comes to play. Over the last few weeks I have read numerous studies and they all say the same thing "the vast majority of cheaters do not cheat in relationships they consider good." I'm sorry Anne if you feel that my post insulted you or any other WS. I can't speak for WSs because I'm not one. But when I read your stories and read the research, it is very easy to draw those conclusions. This is not a witch hunt. I'm not on here calling you horrible human beings. I am however expressing what I have noticed.

 

But you are taking what some people say and using that to paint everyone and thinking you "know it all" about everyone. Even if the person stepped out because of say "boring" it was to get excitement for themselves and still doesn't mean they wanted to inflict pain on their BS. I know it is hard to accept that someone can be not thought of but it is true. I know I wasn't online reading stories of devastated BS before I started my affair. You are drawing wrong conclusions that many other people like BH haven't. And he actually had a wife who wanted to hurt him. And maybe that is why he can see the difference between it.

[Selfish]

I understand that most of you didn't deliberately set out to hurt your spouses.

 

I want to zone in on this.

 

This is true for me. I can only answer for me. But that other thing you said about us enjoying on some level causing pain. Completely and utter rubbish for me. I neither set out to hurt my husband nor did I ever feel any satisfaction over the fact of him being hurt by it.

[gettingstronger]

Not sure if this is the same as enjoying the pain of others but in therapy my husband did say at the time it made him feel powerful and like he had a secret over everyone else- when I asked if that included feeling power over me and feeling like he was getting over on me, he turned kind of pale and was like "I guess"- it was harsh and hard to deal with (he threw up after that) so in a way, the power felt at the time does extend to the spouse-

 

Interestingly enough last night we were talking and he summed up how he feels now about what he did in three simple words: stupid, selfish and immature- I asked about the immature part and he said, its almost like high school when for whatever reason you feel like you need to upper hand on others and how as an adult he now sees that as immature- not sure if I am wording this right or not-

 

I think that trying to define what/how he was thinking during the A post A is hard to do because of the denial involved in his thinking during the A- yes, he knew he was hurting me and his actions say he didn't care or maybe even enjoyed it but he keeps going back to the false idea that I would never find out-

 

I think A's are the very definition of hindsight huh?

[OverIt75]

I expect that in many affairs (outside of revenge affairs) the BS is not the target, but rather collateral damage.

[jbrent890]

But you are taking what some people say and using that to paint everyone and thinking you "know it all" about everyone. Even if the person stepped out because of say "boring" it was to get excitement for themselves and still doesn't mean they wanted to inflict pain on their BS. I know it is hard to accept that someone can be not thought of but it is true. I know I wasn't online reading stories of devastated BS before I started my affair. You are drawing wrong conclusions that many other people like BH haven't. And he actually had a wife who wanted to hurt him. And maybe that is why he can see the difference between it.

 

Lord almighty. I'm not painting all of you to be the same. If you say that you were in a good relationship and you still strayed, then that puts you in the minority not the majority. It is a fact that most people do not cheat in relationships they consider good. You have seen it and I have seen it with many WSs. They said that there was something missing in their relationship and they felt it was up to their spouse to fulfill that void. Because the spouse didn't fill that void, they looked for someone else that did. Does this apply to all cheaters? No. But it does apply to most. Do I think there was a certain level of resentment for the unfulfilled needs? Yes I do. Again, does this apply to all cheaters? Of course not and I apologize if my OP came off that way. Thanfully most cheaters come to the realization that the only person responsible for their happiness is themselves. At this point, this is just going to be one of those things where we agree to disagree. And constantly arguing about this is putting us in circles.

[signpost]

Not sure if this is the same as enjoying the pain of others but in therapy my husband did say at the time it made him feel powerful and like he had a secret over everyone else- when I asked if that included feeling power over me and feeling like he was getting over on me, he turned kind of pale and was like "I guess"- it was harsh and hard to deal with (he threw up after that) so in a way, the power felt at the time does extend to the spouse-

 

Interestingly enough last night we were talking and he summed up how he feels now about what he did in three simple words: stupid, selfish and immature- I asked about the immature part and he said, its almost like high school when for whatever reason you feel like you need to upper hand on others and how as an adult he now sees that as immature- not sure if I am wording this right or not-

 

I think that trying to define what/how he was thinking during the A post A is hard to do because of the denial involved in his thinking during the A- yes, he knew he was hurting me and his actions say he didn't care or maybe even enjoyed it but he keeps going back to the false idea that I would never find out-

 

I think A's are the very definition of hindsight huh?

 

They might say NOW that they were selfish/immature/stupid back then and that they never set out to hurt the BS. But this sense of having the power during the affair is in actuality a way of the WS 'getting over on the BS'. They knew that the BS was blissfully unaware of the WS's adventures - and that it'd hurt the BS to the core should they find out - and yet the WS went back for more. This shows that although NOW they feel differently, they did indeed enjoy that secret sense of power over the BS during the affair!

[Selfish]

They might say NOW that they were selfish/immature/stupid back then and that they never set out to hurt the BS. But this sense of having the power during the affair is in actuality a way of the WS 'getting over on the BS'. They knew that the BS was blissfully unaware of the WS's adventures - and that it'd hurt the BS to the core should they find out - and yet the WS went back for more. This shows that although NOW they feel differently, they did indeed enjoy that secret sense of power over the BS during the affair!

 

Nope it sure doesn't have to mean that at all. Sometimes people read far to much into things. What you need to realize is not everybody is the same. And if you may be the type to relish in a secret sense of power then that is a part of your personality and not necessarily someone else's. Not everyone over thinks things. And sometimes us real stupid ones just don't think critically at all.

[twosadthings]

For Violet1,

 

If I remember correctly you gave your husband a taste of false recovery by hooking up with your affair partner after your d-day. How could you not think it would be hurtful when you did it?

 

???,

 

Twosadthings

[lovinDKT3]

I doubt that many WS set out thinking "I'm going to do this because it will hurt my spouse" or think it will give them a sense of power. Truthfully, its purely selfish and those who will be hurt aren't given much thought. In my situation I never thought he would find out (which was stupid on my part knowing how aware he was about everything).

 

I don't know that its any better to say it wasn't the intent to hurt them, then to say I didn't really care enough or think enough of them to stop. My BH was more hurt by the fact that I was so locked in on having my "extra" life that he or the kids couldn't pull me out.

 

None of it is good, I do believe going back after d-day is done fully aware of the pain the BS is in, is just continued lack of thought for BS. Of course none would do it if they knew the BS would find out.

 

Affair fog, strong emotional connections, and a lack of respect is the crime. not a desire to hurt the spouse.

[Striver]

Lord almighty. I'm not painting all of you to be the same. If you say that you were in a good relationship and you still strayed, then that puts you in the minority not the majority. It is a fact that most people do not cheat in relationships they consider good. You have seen it and I have seen it with many WSs. They said that there was something missing in their relationship and they felt it was up to their spouse to fulfill that void. Because the spouse didn't fill that void, they looked for someone else that did. Does this apply to all cheaters? No. But it does apply to most. Do I think there was a certain level of resentment for the unfulfilled needs? Yes I do. Again, does this apply to all cheaters? Of course not and I apologize if my OP came off that way. Thanfully most cheaters come to the realization that the only person responsible for their happiness is themselves. At this point, this is just going to be one of those things where we agree to disagree. And constantly arguing about this is putting us in circles.

 

I think most cheaters are unhappy with their marriages. That does not mean they have objective reasons to be unhappy. The second richest person in the world can be unhappy because he's not the richest. Someone married to the second most beautiful woman in the world can be unhappy because she's not the most beautiful.

 

What counts for me is comparing that marriage to reasonable expectations for any marriage. If one chooses to be unhappy, any partner in any marriage ever can be unhappy because the other partner is not meeting some particular need. I don't think there's ever been a marriage in history where a partner met every need. So it's usually down to the misplaced attitudes of the cheater.

 

In my marriage, there were needs of mine that my W did not meet. I did not choose to cheat or leave the marriage for someone else.

[jbrent890]

I posted a response earlier in this thread which I still stand by. In light of what has been said so far, here are some observations:

 

• I believe that you were more in love with the OM than your husband during the affair. Suppressing this does not make it go away.
   
  
• I do believe that you were not trying to hurt your husband but definitely put yourself first - ahead of your husband and kids.
   
  
• I believe that you want there to be some truth to "the fog" so that you can blame everything on it - the fact is that you resent having to leave your OM, leave your job etc.
   
  
• I also believe that you want to use "the fog" to convince us and yourself that you are really in love with your husband more than the OM.
   
  
• Judging from some of your very feisty responses to some of the more blunt posters here, I also believe that this is mainly about you - less so about your husband. I do not detect true remorse and humility. The heavy lifting for you has not yet even begun and you are still fending off "accusations" from people here. Even when there is truth to these accusations.
   
  
• Your husband quitting your job for you and you saying that you are really sorry does not constitute active remorse.
   
  
• FYI, no matter what others here say (those who have been cheated on and "recovered"), your husband will NEVER get over this. Never! At best he will cope with it. So there is no fog that will disappear, your husband is not going to just fall back in love with you again like at the start, and you are not going to truly forget about having to give up the OM and your job! At best you will need to build a new marriage with all this cr@p as the basis for it. This is going to hurt him forever, but you can build some kind of marriage if you work really hard.
  

 

If you believe the above dose of reality then you will start taking REAL steps to fix this, not the semi rug-sweeping, semi self-delusion etc that you are engaged in. Those REAL steps will be

 

• acknowledging his pain is going to be there forever and knowing how to be understanding and humble when this happens.
   
  
• knowing that this could end anytime and accepting this and still staying with him no matter what and doing your best to ease his pain when he feels it.
   
  
• knowing that the cheating was completely your fault - and being receptive to blunt comments about it without coming back with retorts that indicate that you are clearly thinking only of yourself.
  

 

These two threads need to be merged somehow because we are all saying the same thing between the two. I could not agree more with this though.

[Selfish]

I posted a response earlier in this thread which I still stand by. In light of what has been said so far, here are some observations:

 

• I believe that you were more in love with the OM than your husband during the affair. Suppressing this does not make it go away.
  

Being "in love" is such a vague thing to say as being in love means different things to different people. She probably was more "in limeraence" with her MM but whether it was the heady rush of a new romance or actual soul connection. well does it matter? "In love" isn't always lasting love.

 

• I do believe that you were not trying to hurt your husband but definitely put yourself first - ahead of your husband and kids.

  That is usually what it takes. But did she know that is what she was doing? hindsight is 20/20 and only helpful to a point right now.
  

• I believe that you want there to be some truth to "the fog" so that you can blame everything on it - the fact is that you resent having to leave your OM, leave your job etc.

  I haven't read where she resents leaving her job but rather let people know it wasn't exactly like quitting mcdonald's. Nor have I read where she resents leaving her OM. The affair was over before discovery. Nor have I seen her blame anything on the fog. The fog being reffered to is the fact that she probably feels crazy because of what she did to herself and her family. and that is a lot to take plus to still have feelings to the OM when she knows she "shouldn't".
  

• I also believe that you want to use "the fog" to convince us and yourself that you are really in love with your husband more than the OM.

  Yeah, reading a little too much into things are we?
  

Judging from some of your very feisty responses to some of the more blunt posters here, I also believe that this is mainly about you - less so about your husband. I do not detect true remorse and humility. The heavy lifting for you has not yet even begun and you are still fending off "accusations" from people here. Even when there is truth to these accusations.

So she isn't a simpering whining "I'm a piece of dung" who is letting people who have nothing better to do than make wrong assumptions about her relationship. She doesn't have to let anyone here kick her while she is down. And just because she is standing up for herself against those that aren't just blunt but also rude and assuming doesn't mean she isn't being far more patient and understanding to her husband. She doesn't owe anyone here with an axe to grind anything.

 

• Your husband quitting your job for you and you saying that you are really sorry does not constitute active remorse.

  It is a part of it yes. And as she said (though people like to ignore that) she could have got it back. She isn't a child. In fact many people would have been p*ssed with their spouse quitting their job. But she got it. That is a step in the right direction.
  

FYI, no matter what others here say (those who have been cheated on and "recovered"), your husband will NEVER get over this. Never! At best he will cope with it. So there is no fog that will disappear, your husband is not going to just fall back in love with you again like at the start, and you are not going to truly forget about having to give up the OM and your job! At best you will need to build a new marriage with all this cr@p as the basis for it. This is going to hurt him forever, but you can build some kind of marriage if you work really hard.

This is merely your opinion (and a bitter one at that). Many men and women never stop loving their spouse through infidelity. Many do work past it. Some it isn't as life altering and they don't even believe the marriage was ended when infidelity occurs. Those men don't come and post and think their opinion is a one size fits all. They actually probably don't seek forums out at all. And no one forgets things like infidelity or quitting or an affair partner. or lying gambling, abuse, stealing, ect. But many people with change actually do move past them and they become part of the past. No longer relevant to today. And there is true forgiveness and no resentment there at all. And no all this *crap does not have to be the basis to their marriage. That is just Drama queen talking right there.

If you believe the above dose of reality then you will start taking REAL steps to fix this, not the semi rug-sweeping, semi self-delusion etc that you are engaged in. Those REAL steps will be

You mean the above dose of your opinion. You know what means to be intolerant of someone else who has a different opinion and when you think your opinion is in fact a fact? right?

• acknowledging his pain is going to be there forever and knowing how to be understanding and humble when this happens.

  Within reason this is true.
  

• knowing that this could end anytime and accepting this and still staying with him no matter what and doing your best to ease his pain when he feels it.

  A good point. Of course also realize that marriages end because of things other than infidelity too.
  

• knowing that the cheating was completely your fault - and being receptive to blunt comments about it without coming back with retorts that indicate that you are clearly thinking only of yourself.

  Haven't seen her blame her H yet... oh we are talking about her standing up to the bullies on here.. they aren't her husband.
  

 

See you can do the healthy thing for recovery without buying into everything people preach as the gospel truth. I know you know that but I also want you to know as someone who has been through something similar. There is hope. But it won't always be easy. And if your H is the kind of man who is willing to fight for his family the biggest hurdle you will have to overcome is getting your crazy emotions sorted out and forgiving yourself. Breaking yourself is such a hard thing to overcome but keep on going. And please don't let the negative nellies of the world drag you down in your fight for your marriage.

[jbrent890]

Being "in love" is such a vague thing to say as being in love means different things to different people. She probably was more "in limeraence" with her MM but whether it was the heady rush of a new romance or actual soul connection. well does it matter? "In love" isn't always lasting love.

 

• That is usually what it takes. But did she know that is what she was doing? hindsight is 20/20 and only helpful to a point right now.
  
• I haven't read where she resents leaving her job but rather let people know it wasn't exactly like quitting mcdonald's. Nor have I read where she resents leaving her OM. The affair was over before discovery. Nor have I seen her blame anything on the fog. The fog being reffered to is the fact that she probably feels crazy because of what she did to herself and her family. and that is a lot to take plus to still have feelings to the OM when she knows she "shouldn't".
  
• Yeah, reading a little too much into things are we?
  

So she isn't a simpering whining "I'm a piece of dung" who is letting people who have nothing better to do than make wrong assumptions about her relationship. She doesn't have to let anyone here kick her while she is down. And just because she is standing up for herself against those that aren't just blunt but also rude and assuming doesn't mean she isn't being far more patient and understanding to her husband. She doesn't owe anyone here with an axe to grind anything.

 

• It is a part of it yes. And as she said (though people like to ignore that) she could have got it back. She isn't a child. In fact many people would have been p*ssed with their spouse quitting their job. But she got it. That is a step in the right direction.
  

This is merely your opinion (and a bitter one at that). Many men and women never stop loving their spouse through infidelity. Many do work past it. Some it isn't as life altering and they don't even believe the marriage was ended when infidelity occurs. Those men don't come and post and think their opinion is a one size fits all. They actually probably don't seek forums out at all. And no one forgets things like infidelity or quitting or an affair partner. or lying gambling, abuse, stealing, ect. But many people with change actually do move past them and they become part of the past. No longer relevant to today. And there is true forgiveness and no resentment there at all. And no all this *crap does not have to be the basis to their marriage. That is just Drama queen talking right there.

You mean the above dose of your opinion. You know what means to be intolerant of someone else who has a different opinion and when you think your opinion is in fact a fact? right?

• Within reason this is true.
  
• A good point. Of course also realize that marriages end because of things other than infidelity too.
  
• Haven't seen her blame her H yet... oh we are talking about her standing up to the bullies on here.. they aren't her husband.
  

 

See you can do the healthy thing for recovery without buying into everything people preach as the gospel truth. I know you know that but I also want you to know as someone who has been through something similar. There is hope. But it won't always be easy. And if your H is the kind of man who is willing to fight for his family the biggest hurdle you will have to overcome is getting your crazy emotions sorted out and forgiving yourself. Breaking yourself is such a hard thing to overcome but keep on going. And please don't let the negative nellies of the world drag you down in your fight for your marriage.

 

Selfish if you haven't, you need to read her threads from the beginning. DKT said it best, Overit posted a lot of things that are ver stomach turning forms BS. I went through her entire story in full a couple of hours ago and after reading, it's easy to come to the conclusions me, DKT, and AYJ are stating.

[MuddyFootprints]

If only it were as simple as flicking a switch. It's not. Not if you truly want to rebuild a marriage.

[Selfish]

See you can do the healthy thing for recovery without buying into everything people preach as the gospel truth. I know you know that but I also want you to know as someone who has been through something similar. There is hope. But it won't always be easy. And if your H is the kind of man who is willing to fight for his family the biggest hurdle you will have to overcome is getting your crazy emotions sorted out and forgiving yourself. Breaking yourself is such a hard thing to overcome but keep on going. And please don't let the negative nellies of the world drag you down in your fight for your marriage.

 

Selfish if you haven't, you need to read her threads from the beginning. DKT said it best, Overit posted a lot of things that are ver stomach turning forms BS. I went through her entire story in full a couple of hours ago and after reading, it's easy to come to the conclusions me, DKT, and AYJ are stating.

And as he stated in the other thread this is her process. It has been five months since she first posted. As muddy said, you can't just throw a switch and be done with it. And it doesn't take just a BS to have their stomach turn at stories of infidelity.

[jbrent890]

I understand that. But if you read her earlier threads, she states that she wanted the AP. Yes, she did not want to hurt her husband, but if the AP was available, it makes you wonder if she would be here at all. Even though the thought scares the crap out of me, I think she would still be knee deep in the affair if the AP's wife didn't suspect anything. And if strangers on the Internet can sense this, then her husband definitely can. This is what we are trying to get at. I know it's hard to turn off, but something is going have to be done to convince her husband he is not a consolation prize. It is that feeling that causes many betrayed husbands to leave the reconciliation process.

[Selfish]

I understand that. But if you read her earlier threads, she states that she wanted the AP. Yes, she did not want to hurt her husband, but if the AP was available, it makes you wonder if she would be here at all. Even though the thought scares the crap out of me, I think she would still be knee deep in the affair if the AP's wife didn't suspect anything. And if strangers on the Internet can sense this, then her husband definitely can. This is what we are trying to get at. I know it's hard to turn off, but something is going have to be done to convince her husband he is not a consolation prize. It is that feeling that causes many betrayed husbands to leave the reconciliation process.

 

Actually, she told us that she still had feelings so we KNOW she does. For what it is worth my spouse knew I had feelings and still chose to stay while I got over my affair partner. I think everyone who is betrayed wonders if they the person really wanted the affair partner. I think that is part and parcel with the gift of infidelity.

[jbrent890]

Then I guess that's why 70% of marriages fail after an affair is discovered. Tell me something, did you ever love your AP more than your husband. If I remember correctly, you said you willfully confessed, so I'm assuming there was a chance your husband wouldn't have found out. That to me displays true remorse. Overit confessed after she got caught. To make matters worse, she was still working with the AP after ending the affair, which tells me that more than likely, it would have started up again. Lastly, I don't think you got dumped by your AP, Overit did. As her husband, that would be a huge piece of information for me. Her affair was everything she wanted at first, then she essentially became a side dish because the AP got caught by his wife. It makes you wonder if the affair was still like the first 6 weeks, would she be here right now or worse, would she had left her husband if the AP was available? For most that isn't an option, but after reading her threads again, you get the sense that those notions were two strong possibilities. I hope Overit has told her husband these things. In fact, if she hasn't already, she should let him read her LS posts. These threads would give her husband a better understanding where her mind was during her affair. Letting him read these threads, as painful as it would be, would be displaying true remorse and not keeping secrets.

[OverIt75]

Actually, she told us that she still had feelings so we KNOW she does. For what it is worth my spouse knew I had feelings and still chose to stay while I got over my affair partner. I think everyone who is betrayed wonders if they the person really wanted the affair partner. I think that is part and parcel with the gift of infidelity.

 

Selfish, thank you for your response on my behalf to AYJ. Somehow I missed his/her original post in the flurry of responses on this thread. I think you said it better than I could have.

 

To JBrent, others...yes, I had feelings for my AP. It's something my BH and I have discussed as it's obviously a painful part of this whole thing. However, assuming the A is the constant, the other choice here would have been for me to have NO feelings for AP. Is that better? Just doing what I did over the course of months with no emotion? Of course the best and third choice is - I never had the A to begin with. But I can't go back in time.

 

I started posting here at LS while the A was still 'on' and I was in a lot of pain. I thought this was ONE place where I could just say the truth - the good, bad and ugly. I'm sure some of it is painful for BSs to read. But you all are here for some reason as well, no? Oftentimes it is to get a 'real' POV from a WS. The truth is not always pretty. In an A - is ANY of it good? No.

 

In spite of all these emotions, my logical brain still functions. So I can see all my 'feelings' from a different point of view. Yes, I had/have feelings. But I also believe they aren't here to stay, that it's up to me to let them go. When I reference The Fog, I'm not blaming anyone else. I'm actually mentioning it with hope that it will fade, because it's not 'real'.

 

I hope this makes sense. It just is what it is. There's really no good to be found in it. I'm just trying to find my way out.

[jbrent890]

Nobody is expressing that you don't have feelings for the AP. That would be a little ludicrous. I guess what disturbs me and others is the degree of those feelings. And like I said, if we can sense it, then your husband definitely can. My question to you is, would you be opposed to letting him read your LS threads? I honestly feel that it would be a great step for you and it would allow your husband to see where your mind was at during your affair. Remember, true remorse entails full transparency, and letting him see those threads would do just that.