Confessed - **Updated**

[gettingstronger]

I think the differences in opinions depend a lot on experience- for me, the difference between the affair version of my husband and the before and after affair version are like night and day- I know for him, being exposed was light a big white light in the face- he had to face up to things he denied to not only me, but to himself-its tough to admit to what you were capable of and I give all WS that are at least trying a lot of credit-

 

Its funny, we have had some stress over kids and cars the last few days-he said, you know, "I am actually thankful to be talking about these things because it means we are still together and still real, I know in the past that I would have used this as fuel to myself to continue to do wrong, like I needed an escape from the pressures of married life, now it just feels good to be married and have kids and cars and all the stress that goes with it"

I wasn't sure if I should have hugged him or punched him- I lived through all those stresses too, like an adult not like a spoiled child but......it does show how in a fog people can get-

[fellini]

I'd like to pick up on OWL's very provactive post in light of these discussions about love, being in love.. having "more love for the AP" etc.

 

In his post he speaks quite eloquently about empathy. And it may well be true that for some people who find themselves making sense of an A that there was a socalled shift of empathy from BS to AP.

 

My experience has been that it has zero to do with empathy and more to do with those so called "unmet needs". But I don't mean unmet needs the way its thrown around here (unmet needs being synonymous with not getting enough of something).

 

Like many BSs here I struggled with this reason given for why she strayed from what seemed to be a perfectly functioning marriage. And in fact, it was a perfectly functioning marriage, key word being FUNCTIONING. Funny thing about not getting my needs met discourse is that it goes on for years, then suddenly someone is "able and willing"... but I digress.

 

No not empathy. What took over a year to uncover is that had there been empathy, most probably the affair would never have occurred. I find it difficult to imagine that my WS had a lot of empathy for me, and then met some guy and transferred it over to him. No the process is the same in these LTR/A's that begin, classically in the workplace, as describe very convincingly by the OP, by Selfish, by OWL among others. A slow shifting towards a new love in the workplace.

 

When my WS and I struggled through our hundreds of hours of back and forth about WHY, "my needs weren't being met", take responsibility, yes but my needs, ... I finally at some point was able to see the past the present in a final emotive burst and screamed at her: "It's not that I was not meeting your needs. I know I was. You met someone and stopped needing me to meet those needs. I was no longer enough for you. You wanted the same, more from someone who also gave you a high. You shifted your needs from ME to HIM." And she thought about that, and agreed that she could see that, slowly, day by day, week by week she was abandoning our marriage and investing in a future unknown but exciting with him.

 

It was perhaps a few months later that I did some additional reading, having seen some behaviours of hers that led me to believe that empathy was still not there, not that it was continuing with the OM by any means, but it hadn't returned. It was not a shifting of empathy, it was about the needs.

 

But the needs, I later discovered are not what I thought they were they can be summed up in two words: Narcissistic supply.

 

The need that comes from having your AP ripped away from you, leaving a vacuum in your source of NS has a remarkable ability to create this "sudden remorse" syndrome that many speak of. The thing about narcissistic supply is that it doesn't have to be loving. It can be seeing your WS's pain and suffering. It can be love, but it is not about being "back in love", it is about having to be back in the realm of your BS in order to feed the NS. One does not have to be NPD to have an affair. One only needs to have a certain degree of selfishness, feelings of entitlement, and be unrealistically dependent on external sources for affection and admiration (this obviously could be the BS, but not necessarily). Objects, not subjects of desire.

Edited November 30, 2014 by fellini

[AlwaysGrowing]

It is lost on me why a WS can never have a different view of the affair than the one they had while in it.

 

Isn't the goal for a WS/anyone who is emotionally unhealthy, to reflect, pinpoint, dismantle, see with clearer mind, learn new coping skills, change thought processes and GROW.

 

Personally, I don't see what some peoples point is.

 

I think that for many WS/AP the goal was to be with the other. Didn't they do just that? Isn't that what EA/PA means....that they chose someone other than their SO? Does it make a WS any more accountable/worse because they actually said that was the goal?

 

Don't most WS do it wrong when ending, moving forward, self-reflecting in the beginning of transitioning from WS to FWS?

 

Are not unhealthy, destructive, self-serving, unrealistic, not honest, rewriting history thought processes FIRMLY entrenched internally? Shouldn't those be the first thing a WS addresses?

 

Is it realistic to expect someone who is using unhealthy thought processes to change them all in a day, week or month? Doesn't everyone start SOMEWHERE?

 

Don't we all start by recognizing one unhealthy thing we do/say/think and start from there? Isn't that what gets the ball rolling to question other things about ourselves?

 

Why are the first posts by a WS the only posts that get "heard"? Why is so little value put on more recent posts when a WS starts to challenge and often disagrees with their own thought processes used in the earlier posts?

[jbrent890]

It is lost on me why a WS can never have a different view of the affair than the one they had while in it.

 

Isn't the goal for a WS/anyone who is emotionally unhealthy, to reflect, pinpoint, dismantle, see with clearer mind, learn new coping skills, change thought processes and GROW.

 

Personally, I don't see what some peoples point is.

 

I think that for many WS/AP the goal was to be with the other. Didn't they do just that? Isn't that what EA/PA means....that they chose someone other than their SO? Does it make a WS any more accountable/worse because they actually said that was the goal?

 

Don't most WS do it wrong when ending, moving forward, self-reflecting in the beginning of transitioning from WS to FWS?

 

Are not unhealthy, destructive, self-serving, unrealistic, not honest, rewriting history thought processes FIRMLY entrenched internally? Shouldn't those be the first thing a WS addresses?

 

Is it realistic to expect someone who is using unhealthy thought processes to change them all in a day, week or month? Doesn't everyone start SOMEWHERE?

 

Don't we all start by recognizing one unhealthy thing we do/say/think and start from there? Isn't that what gets the ball rolling to question other things about ourselves?

 

Why are the first posts by a WS the only posts that get "heard"? Why is so little value put on more recent posts when a WS starts to challenge and often disagrees with their own thought processes used in the earlier posts?

 

Again, nobody is asking her to just turn it off. That wouldn't help the situation and to me, it would be a form of rug sweeping. However, if I was in her husbands position and I gave my wife a house, children, and security and if she considered leaving me for some guy that gave her kind words and flirty text messages, I would want to know. I would not want to be anybody's second choice, especially if she was my first for a large amount of my life. You can dress this up any way you want. For a lot of WS on here, the only reason they went back to their BSs was because they got dumped by their APs. They did not choose their spouses. For me, that is really critical information I would want to know in the reconciliation process, which is why I suggest she let her husband read her threads.

[AlwaysGrowing]

So, only some WS put their AP before their SO?

 

Only some WS put emotional, physical action into the affair and the AP?

 

Does ending the affair make one a better WS than one who got dumped/caught?

 

Wouldn't most affairs continue if one party didn't end it or one got caught?

 

Doesn't every WS intent to put their AP/affair before their SO, the very second before being caught?

 

Is being caught (how most BS find out) any better than the AP ending it?

[jbrent890]

So, only some WS put their AP before their SO?

 

Only some WS put emotional, physical action into the affair and the AP?

 

Does ending the affair make one a better WS than one who got dumped/caught?

 

Wouldn't most affairs continue if one party didn't end it or one got caught?

 

Doesn't every WS intent to put their AP/affair before their SO, the very second before being caught?

 

Is being caught (how most BS find out) any better than the AP ending it?

 

I'm going to stop you right there. Yesterday it was drilled constantly in me that not all WS and their situations are the same, so please don't treat it as such. Do your scenarios make one WS better than the other? No, but how each situation is revealed and how it is handled will determine if the reconciliation process will succeed or not. Even though most men do decide to R, most eventually leave during the process. There is an another thread on here I read recently in which a guy found out his wife had an affair a few years prior. He was down to forgive the cheating. However, he eventually found out that he was not his wife's first choice because she got dumped by her AP. The news caused him to end the marriage because he didn't like being his wife's fall back option. I have no idea what Overit has told her husband. Do I think she has shared with him her true feeling about the affair and her AP? No I dont. Why? Because she specifically states in her Irony thread that she reserves certain things for LS. I may be wrong, but isn't that a form of trickle truth? My suggestion is simple. Do you think she should let her husband read her LS threads? I believe the answer to that question is yes. I think it would give her husband a great idea in terms of where her mind is truly at. Do I want her marriage to succeed? Yes, but I don't want it to succeed based on what she feels her husband needs to hear. That isn't true reconciliation.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I'm going to stop you right there. Yesterday it was drilled constantly in me that not all WS and their situations are the same, so please don't treat it as such. Do your scenarios make one WS better than the other? No, but how each situation is revealed and how it is handled will determine if the reconciliation process will succeed or not. Even though most men do decide to R, most eventually leave during the process. There is an another thread on here I read recently in which a guy found out his wife had an affair a few years prior. He was down to forgive the cheating. However, he eventually found out that he was not his wife's first choice because she got dumped by her AP. The news caused him to end the marriage because he didn't like being his wife's fall back option. I have no idea what Overit has told her husband. Do I think she has shared with him her true feeling about the affair and her AP? No I dont. Why? Because she specifically states in her Irony thread that she reserves certain things for LS. I may be wrong, but isn't that a form of trickle truth? My suggestion is simple. Do you think she should let her husband read her LS threads? I believe the answer to that question is yes. I think it would give her husband a great idea in terms of where her mind is truly at. Do I want her marriage to succeed? Yes, but I don't want it to succeed based on what she feels her husband needs to hear. That isn't true reconciliation.

 

A BS is justified in divorcing after a ONS, if that is a dealbreaker to them.

 

Are there certain things that can increase the likelihood of a successful R, or at least not cause additional betrayal. Absolutely, however it does not guarantee one.

 

If Overit feels that her husband is plan B, then yes I think he should also be given the option of having other plans as well.

 

I did not see the post you are referring to.

 

I have read that thread.

 

My take away from it was.....everything I thought/chased after in the affair was the exact opposite of what I thought it was. That Overit does not remember being unhappy prior to the affair, the affair brought false over-happiness into her life, that the cost of that over the top happiness was the loss of a peaceful life. That she under valued how beautiful a peaceful life was and over valued the three-ring circus feeling of the affair.

 

Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got til it's gone...paved paradise put up a parking lot.

[jbrent890]

A BS is justified in divorcing after a ONS, if that is a dealbreaker to them.

 

Are there certain things that can increase the likelihood of a successful R, or at least not cause additional betrayal. Absolutely, however it does not guarantee one.

 

If Overit feels that her husband is plan B, then yes I think he should also be given the option of having other plans as well.

 

I did not see the post you are referring to.

 

I have read that thread.

 

My take away from it was.....everything I thought/chased after in the affair was the exact opposite of what I thought it was. That Overit does not remember being unhappy prior to the affair, the affair brought false over-happiness into her life, that the cost of that over the top happiness was the loss of a peaceful life. That she under valued how beautiful a peaceful life was and over valued the three-ring circus feeling of the affair.

 

Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got til it's gone...paved paradise put up a parking lot.

 

That is my mistake. It was actually a response to one of my comments on pg. 6 of this thread. I get what your saying, I really do, but I kind of feel like it's one of those too little too late type things. Allow me to explain. One of the things I hear from WSs is that they regret hurting their partners, but don't regret the affairs. Why? Because the affair allowed them to show them how unhappy they were in the marriage. It wasn't until after Overit got caught, that she realized ok now I need to take action. In my opinion, action should have taken place a lot sooner. She didn't have to tell her husband about the affair, most people don't. But I think she definitely should have left her job, and it shouldn't have taken her husband finding out and quitting for her to do this. She was told multiple times by members of this site to do this, but it didn't happen. Her inability to leave that job screams to me that she still wanted the AP. However, because the affair wasn't what she thought it should be, she stopped it. She didn't like being treated like a side dish. It makes you wonder if the affair was like the first 6 weeks, the period of time that she loved, would she be here right now? Would she have ended things? Would she have eventually chose her husband? As it stands, and after reading every post from her, no, I don't think she would have chosen her husband. She is here fighting for her husband, because frankly, that's all she has left. That sounds like a consolation prize to me. I think it is fear of being alone that is causing her to fight, not because she honestly wants to be with her husband. It is because of these reasons, I think she should let her husband read these threads. Her husband has no idea what she is thinking. He can only go by what she is telling him. These threads not only outline when she decided to end the affair, but also display the reasons why she decided to end it.

[drifter777]

If her BH read her posts he would run to a divorce lawyer.

[BeholdtheMan]

I thought this was ONE place where I could just say the truth - the good, bad and ugly.

 

It is. You are always free to speak your mind. Just expect others to speak their minds in response.

 

People will criticise when they think criticism is warranted. Don't expect people here to rub your shoulders and go "here, here...everything is going to be all right. We know that deep down you're a good human being"

 

This is a place for honest advice and honest criticism. It's not your personal emotional support group. A lot of cheating spouses need to realise that they're not entitled to feel-good platitudes. If you need unconditional emotional support, you have your parents for that.

[DKT3]

That is my mistake. It was actually a response to one of my comments on pg. 6 of this thread. I get what your saying, I really do, but I kind of feel like it's one of those too little too late type things. Allow me to explain. One of the things I hear from WSs is that they regret hurting their partners, but don't regret the affairs. Why? Because the affair allowed them to show them how unhappy they were in the marriage. It wasn't until after Overit got caught, that she realized ok now I need to take action. In my opinion, action should have taken place a lot sooner. She didn't have to tell her husband about the affair, most people don't. But I think she definitely should have left her job, and it shouldn't have taken her husband finding out and quitting for her to do this. She was told multiple times by members of this site to do this, but it didn't happen. Her inability to leave that job screams to me that she still wanted the AP. However, because the affair wasn't what she thought it should be, she stopped it. She didn't like being treated like a side dish. It makes you wonder if the affair was like the first 6 weeks, the period of time that she loved, would she be here right now? Would she have ended things? Would she have eventually chose her husband? As it stands, and after reading every post from her, no, I don't think she would have chosen her husband. She is here fighting for her husband, because frankly, that's all she has left. That sounds like a consolation prize to me. I think it is fear of being alone that is causing her to fight, not because she honestly wants to be with her husband. It is because of these reasons, I think she should let her husband read these threads. Her husband has no idea what she is thinking. He can only go by what she is telling him. These threads not only outline when she decided to end the affair, but also display the reasons why she decided to end it.

 

In all fairness, she did want to do those things(quit and confess) but she didn't end the affair she was more or less dumped when she questioned him about spending time with yet another OW. She then parlayed that into clinging to her husband. She couldn't quit because it was really her only way to hang on to OM and wouldn't confess because one way or another she would lose one of them.

 

My personal opinion is now that she stands to lose both relationships she is somewhat lost. The fact that she is using more free energy dealing with her emotions for OM proves its the guy she wants. By free I mean her true feelings. Of course she will attempt to make her husband think she picked him, I don't think its true. He is there by default because OM isn't an option and would never leave his wife or lifestyle for her. She knows this and its why she is struggling. Husband is her fall back, but she will lose him as well if she doesn't get it together and put her TRUE feelings and focus on her marriage. I get the feeling its a I can't lose both thing then a I love my husband and he is what I want above all others. This will cause her to sabotage what's left of her marriage while she clings to the idea she has created that OM is some kind of demigod that holds the keys to ultimate happiness.

[AlwaysGrowing]

In all fairness, she did want to do those things(quit and confess) but she didn't end the affair she was more or less dumped when she questioned him about spending time with yet another OW. She then parlayed that into clinging to her husband. She couldn't quit because it was really her only way to hang on to OM and wouldn't confess because one way or another she would lose one of them.

 

My personal opinion is now that she stands to lose both relationships she is somewhat lost. The fact that she is using more free energy dealing with her emotions for OM proves its the guy she wants. By free I mean her true feelings. Of course she will attempt to make her husband think she picked him, I don't think its true. He is there by default because OM isn't an option and would never leave his wife or lifestyle for her. She knows this and its why she is struggling. Husband is her fall back, but she will lose him as well if she doesn't get it together and put her TRUE feelings and focus on her marriage. I get the feeling its a I can't lose both thing then a I love my husband and he is what I want above all others. This will cause her to sabotage what's left of her marriage while she clings to the idea she has created that OM is some kind of demigod that holds the keys to ultimate happiness.

 

 

If Overit is struggling between deciding which man to be with...I wholeheartedly agree that she should tell her husband to mitigate further betrayal on her part. That he needs to protect himself from false R. Period.

 

If however, she is seeking to understand what it all means, and is asking for help in processing it from others who might have a different POV...than how is one to ever get help if they dare not ask the question?

 

I think it has been said on this thread, that many WW need for the affair to mean something more than your run of the mill affair. That finding an AP at work is such a rarity, that that is what makes it so special (even though I think after a certain age, sleeping with a co-worker is much much more likely than a random hook up at a bar). That for many WW they struggle with processing not just being a WS....but the mistress/side piece/numerous other colourful words most use to describe women who sleep with married men.

 

Most women do not like to be thought of as *colourful word*...let alone think that about themselves. So, some use mental gymnastics to make it sound prettier. Self denial is pretty convincing...because we WANT to believe it so bad. It mitigates looking at the "bad" stuff, we aren't bad...nope nope nope. It was done in the name of love...and nothing in the name of love is bad...right?

[DKT3]

If Overit is struggling between deciding which man to be with...I wholeheartedly agree that she should tell her husband to mitigate further betrayal on her part. That he needs to protect himself from false R. Period.

 

If however, she is seeking to understand what it all means, and is asking for help in processing it from others who might have a different POV...than how is one to ever get help if they dare not ask the question?

 

I think it has been said on this thread, that many WW need for the affair to mean something more than your run of the mill affair. That finding an AP at work is such a rarity, that that is what makes it so special (even though I think after a certain age, sleeping with a co-worker is much much more likely than a random hook up at a bar). That for many WW they struggle with processing not just being a WS....but the mistress/side piece/numerous other colourful words most use to describe women who sleep with married men.

 

Most women do not like to be thought of as *colourful word*...let alone think that about themselves. So, some use mental gymnastics to make it sound prettier. Self denial is pretty convincing...because we WANT to believe it so bad. It mitigates looking at the "bad" stuff, we aren't bad...nope nope nope. It was done in the name of love...and nothing in the name of love is bad...right?

 

I agree, in fact I may have been the one who said WW's have to make it mean more. I've said it many times, not sure if I said it on this thread.

 

In my opinion I don't really think its the case here. Having read all her stuff, I believe she really wants to be with the OM, her husband is in a solid 2nd place, but she is going to ruin that. I believed her for awhile, but it has become clear.

[OverIt75]

DKT, this is disappointing to me. Not sure why I care, but I guess over time O respected your opinion.

 

In all fairness, she did want to do those things(quit and confess) but she didn't end the affair she was more or less dumped when she questioned him about spending time with yet another OW. She then parlayed that into clinging to her husband. She couldn't quit because it was really her only way to hang on to OM and wouldn't confess because one way or another she would lose one of them. This isn't true. We broke up in a conversation, mutual agreement (after multiple attempts). I am an independent person and would be by myself if necessary. I am not clinging to my BH. I am clinging to a life with my family that I almost ruined.

 

My personal opinion is now that she stands to lose both relationships she is somewhat lost. The fact that she is using more free energy dealing with her emotions for OM proves its the guy she wants. I guess your perception is that most of my energy is being used on what I'm posting on LS. That's not true. I come here, when the day is done and my thoughts begin to wander.By free I mean her true feelings. Of course she will attempt to make her husband think she picked him, I don't think its true. He is there by default because OM isn't an option and would never leave his wife or lifestyle for her. She knows this and its why she is struggling. Also not true. Former AP is getting divorced. Husband is her fall back, but she will lose him as well if she doesn't get it together and put her TRUE feelings and focus on her marriage. I get the feeling its a I can't lose both thing then a I love my husband and he is what I want above all others. This will cause her to sabotage what's left of her marriage while she clings to the idea she has created that OM is some kind of demigod that holds the keys to ultimate happiness.

[DKT3]

DKT, this is disappointing to me. Not sure why I care, but I guess over time O respected your opinion.

 

I'm also disappointed because I defended and believed in you.

 

I know this is a struggle, its hard but I'm not seeing movement in your midset. Your comment about if the OM was available you would have made a quicker decision really bugged me. Staying in your marriage shouldn't depend on him not being available. You can't stay for the kids because your husband deserves better then that.

 

There has been a couple posters that for whatever reason I felt close to, you were one. In fact lovin and I have talked about you more then once.

 

I really hope you find your way, I will admit I have less hope now.

Edited December 1, 2014 by DKT3

[SawtoothMars]

DKT, this is disappointing to me. Not sure why I care, but I guess over time O respected your opinion.

 

Don't take this too hard... I think maybe DKT mixed you up with another poster. That happens to me too sometimes where I mix up the details of two stories.

 

You have to understand that affairs are like doing drugs. The feelings are artificially high... and leave you crashing low when it's over.

 

I felt my xWife had traded some part of her soul for a few weeks of ecstatic feelings and when the time was up was left hollowed out. I remember looking at her and feeling she was like one of those hollow chocolate bunnies you get for easter. Like I could just put my finger right through her and there would be nothing inside...

 

I'm not sure if that feeling makes any sense to you.

[jbrent890]

You still haven't answered my question. Would you be opposed to letting your husband read your LS threads in addition to your journal?

[OverIt75]

I'm also disappointed because I defended and believed in you.

 

I know this is a struggle, its hard but I'm not seeing movement in your midset. Your comment about if the OM was available you would have made a quicker decision really bugged me. When and where did I say that???Staying in your marriage shouldn't depend on him not being available. You can't stay for the kids because your husband deserves better then that.

 

There has been a couple posters that for whatever reason I felt close to, you were one. In fact lovin and I have talked about you more then once.

 

I really hope you find your way, I will admit I have less hope now.

 

I actually have far more hope than I used to. Feeling more and more realistic about who this OM really was and more and more grateful about who my BH is.

[OverIt75]

You still haven't answered my question. Would you be opposed to letting your husband read your LS threads in addition to your journal?

 

Yeah, I guess I would be opposed. My journal is a place to record my private thoughts. LS, while not private, is anonymous. If my BH kept a journal about his feelings (which are JUST feelings, that ebb and flow), I doubt I would want to read them. I imagine some would be very painful. I don't say out loud everything that comes into my head for a reason. Neither do you.

 

BH unfortunately DID read some things - emails between me and AP. If that wasn't revealing, I don't know what is. He wishes to this day that he had not done that.

 

I've read that it's not our feelings that should be judged, but our actions.

[OverIt75]

Don't take this too hard... I think maybe DKT mixed you up with another poster. That happens to me too sometimes where I mix up the details of two stories.

 

You have to understand that affairs are like doing drugs. The feelings are artificially high... and leave you crashing low when it's over.

 

I felt my xWife had traded some part of her soul for a few weeks of ecstatic feelings and when the time was up was left hollowed out. I remember looking at her and feeling she was like one of those hollow chocolate bunnies you get for easter. Like I could just put my finger right through her and there would be nothing inside...

 

I'm not sure if that feeling makes any sense to you.

 

Maybe DKT did confuse me with someone else...hoping!

 

Totally get the hollow reference...empty, numb. Therapist said it was a way of protecting myself from the inevitable fallout. I can feel things coming back now, thus the pain is coming too.

[Owl6118]

BH unfortunately DID read some things - emails between me and AP. If that wasn't revealing, I don't know what is. He wishes to this day that he had not done that.

 

I think in the long run it is best that he has seen the emails.

 

I am of the mind that durable recovery begins with knowing what really happened in your life.

 

I nearly wrote "knowing what really was," but I think how "real" what you wrote in those emails is will be forever a partly open question. There is probably a lot of self-delusion and other-delusion in those emails. In that sense I hope they will come to seem totally untrue to how you feel after time. But I am sure they were true, or you wanted them to be true, at the time you wrote them.

 

But they exist. They happened. They are something which exists in the world that was of the most urgent relevance to your husband's entire reality, and they were concealed from him.

 

If you had deleted them all before he saw them and could read them, he would torture himself with the idea that he could never know that history. It would not really be any better. I think, actually, it would be far worse.

 

I think in the end seeing them will speed his journey to acceptance that what has happened, happened, that it is real and must be endured. I think it will speed his road to healing for himself whether your marriage survives or not.

 

 

I've read that it's not our feelings that should be judged, but our actions.

 

True, but be very careful with this idea.

 

I am sure right now it seems consoling, because it emphasizes the actions you can take now to help your husband. And I want you to have that encouragement and be taking those actions.

 

But there is a point at which this truism breaks down. Nothing can or will stop your husband from judging your feelings that you gave to your AP. Your husband knows the strength of the years-long bond of friendship and camraderie you had with your boss. I am sure he fully understands (though he probably has trouble enduring the notion) that when you let yourself fall in love on top of that it was a complete redirection of your feelings and not just a passing fancy. You held nothing back in this affair.

 

He needs to come to his judgement on this in his own time as part of his recovery. It is going to be very hard for him. I suspect in fact it is going to be the hardest thing.

 

Be brave now, though. I know people, people who I respect and admire, who have built new marriages after equally destructive betrayals. I can't guarantee this outcome for you, or even know if it is really the right one for your husband and for you. But I do know that every choice you make now is a chance to choose to act from respect and compassion after a long absence of same. Whatever the outcome of your marriage, rebuilding your integrity and making your own soul into something beautiful and life-giving in the world is entirely and exclusively within your power.

[jbrent890]

I understand your mindset. However, part of the reconciliation process means putting everything on the table. Your husband doesn't have to read your journal or threads, but I would at least offer him the possibility to do so. Like I said, your husband has no idea what you are thinking, he only knows what you are telling him. Your threads and journal will help put everything into perspective for him. You need to ask yourself, what is the real reason you do not want him to read these things? Is it because you are worried that it will cause him not to reconcile? If that's the case, then you have an obligation to give him the opportunity to read them. I know you are worried about losing your family, but don't you want you husband to want to reconcile with you with everything on the table? To me, anything less than that is a false reconciliation. It's essentially you telling and doing the things you feel your husband needs. I'm sorry to say that you lost the right to control things when you had an affair. Your husband should have the right to know everything about the affair and yes, that includes your thoughts and feelings. Until your husband decides differently, nothing should be kept from him.

[aliveagain]

I actually have far more hope than I used to. Feeling more and more realistic about who this OM really was and more and more grateful about who my BH is.

 

OverIt75, please allow me to take you back to your very first post, "I want my dignity back." There were 14 pages of warnings from strangers that were really concerned about you and your family. You were still in your affair, O/M's wife had busted him but your husband was still in the dark about the woman he was married to and in a relationship with for some 20 years, oh yes we can't forget about the children you and your husband made together.

 

This is what you wrote regarding your affair with your boss before you were busted by your husband. "Hoping I won't get busted....I guess there's no point in me posting unless I'm honest. Yes, there is a part of me that wants to be able to dive back in if I choose. So yes there is a control issue. But it would be wrong of me to say that I'm not concerned about my H's feelings. I absolutely am. I will admit that I have selfish motives. Maybe all of my motives, even those that are concerned for my H, are still at their core selfish. What do I do? How do I do this? I am sorry to say that I have fallen in love. I just keep wishing away."

 

Than you wrote, "I want both. I don't really want to trade my husband for my A/P. They both fill different spaces for me." What was so troubling about your situation was that you and your A/P were busted by his wife yet you continued your affair even after we warned you to expose it to your husband because it would go a lot worse for you if he became aware of it before you confessed. Please read my response's to you starting June 30th, 2014, posts number 80, 98 and 186.

 

It is time that you did things in a way that is proactive rather than reactive, honesty would be the best place to start. You liked the affair, you liked what each of them did for you, the spaces they each filled. This is the real reason you kept the affair secret, you wanted to keep the option alive to be able to go back to it whenever you wanted to in the future, it had little to do with protecting your husband or your children from the pain of discovery. This is very evident because even after discovery by the other betrayed spouse of your infidelity with her husband wasn't enough to stop you. My recommendation(do with it as you wish just as you did with most of my other posts) is to write out a complete timeline of all events that took place, where, when how often and any feelings you shared with O/M(as well as every secret you still have with O/M) and put them on paper, seal the envelope and give it to your husband. Let him decide if he wants the details, the decision is no longer yours because right now(this is just my opinion as a betrayed man) in your husbands eyes you are still not trustworthy.

 

Do you absolutely mean what you have been writing to us, if you can't get us to believe you how will you get your husband to?

Edited December 1, 2014 by aliveagain

[autumnnight]

The above post was very interesting. But this is December and that was June. I'm not sure anyone's post from 4 to 5 months ago will reflect the same feelings they might have on December 1. I have no idea if the OP's marriage will thrive because there has been a lot of damage done but there was one thing that jumped out at me. The idea that if she can't convince posters on LS she can't convince her H. That really is like comparing apples to giraffes. And really the idea that we should be so important to her and her business is enough our business that she has an obligation to prove something to strangers is weird bordering on creepy to me. I think people get way too invested in whether or not a stranger does what they want them to sometimes.

[aliveagain]

The above post was very interesting. But this is December and that was June. I'm not sure anyone's post from 4 to 5 months ago will reflect the same feelings they might have on December 1. I have no idea if the OP's marriage will thrive because there has been a lot of damage done but there was one thing that jumped out at me. The idea that if she can't convince posters on LS she can't convince her H. That really is like comparing apples to giraffes. And really the idea that we should be so important to her and her business is enough our business that she has an obligation to prove something to strangers is weird bordering on creepy to me. I think people get way too invested in whether or not a stranger does what they want them to sometimes.

 

June, December who cares. If the underlying truth is the same what has changed, how is she helped? The outcome of her situation will make very little difference in my life but maybe hearing a reaction from someone in her husbands position will help her see another side and help her find a solution that works in their favor. If you think that convincing us is creepy so be it, I'm creepy. My only point is anything that is apparent to us is probably just as apparent to her husband who she is trying to save a 20 year relationship with.

 

P.S, I think sleeping with other men while in a committed relationship is creepy but I still post in hopes of helping her even if it's tough love.

Edited December 1, 2014 by aliveagain