I can't live with myself (Updated)

[mefisto]

Guys, i know had two whining threads already, but i need help again. I have so much self-blame and regret. I feel constant pain in the chest and i feel like my soul is tearing apart. I know exactly what mistakes i did that drove her away from me and i know exactly what i should have done to bring her back. I can't stand the comprehension than this is over and lost two closest people i ever had and i will never ever speak to them again. I don't want to live without them. I can't imagine how any other people can replace them. What should i do? Maybe i should break an NC and apologize for everything?

[Miss Clavel]

when your soul tears apart, that's the worst. part of your soul is torn. think about it.

 

 

leave everyone alone. be quiet. mend yourself.

[mefisto]

mend yourself.

I feel like i becoming more broken with each day. Also, i can't find peace in thought that i "did the best i could" because i know that i did the worst i could. I could have handle the situation so much better than i actually did. If i did, today i would have friend and girlfriend and be happy. This is so unbearable feeling that i drag with me everyday. I am so fcked up.

[JDPT]

The pain is inevitable its simply part of the process and it'll stay as long as you allow it. Reroute your thoughts and don't focus on what could have been, expand your horizons there was life before your ex and there will certainly be life after.

[lostsoul6486]

Guys, i know had two whining threads already, but i need help again. I have so much self-blame and regret. I feel constant pain in the chest and i feel like my soul is tearing apart. I know exactly what mistakes i did that drove her away from me and i know exactly what i should have done to bring her back. I can't stand the comprehension than this is over and lost two closest people i ever had and i will never ever speak to them again. I don't want to live without them. I can't imagine how any other people can replace them. What should i do? Maybe i should break an NC and apologize for everything?

 

So let me get this straight. You think you should break NC and apologize to your ex girlfriend and ex best friend for things that you messed up when you were together with her? That makes no sense. I think about how I messed up in my relationship with my ex all the time. There is one instance in particular where I am ashamed of how I acted because I know it pushed her away. I understand how you feel. It sucks, but don't forget that you weren't the only one who messed up. She messed up too. SHE CHEATED ON YOU WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND. There is no excuse for that on either of their parts. A girl who loves you wouldn't cheat and a best friend sure as hell wouldn't be the one she cheats with. I'm sure she messed up before that as well and did things that pushed you away. I'm not saying you didn't screw up because you probably did. There is nothing wrong with that. We all do at some point. You say you don't feel like you did the best you could, but remember hindsight is 20/20. I feel that way sometimes too, but the fact is that I loved my ex with everything that I have and I did the best I could in the moment. I could look back and see what I did wrong, but instead of apologizing to her I just learn from my mistakes and I'll try not to repeat them next time.

[d0nnivain]

While I don't see the benefit of apologizing -- because it's not going to undo the fact that they chose each other over you -- if you are sure that apologizing to them will give you peace of mind, do it. We regret more in life the things we didn't do then the things we did.

 

I tried but couldn't find the thread where you set forth your issues but I gather your EX CF cheated on you with your best friend. Honestly that alone tells me you are a poor judge of character. BFFs should never chose their friend's SOs over the friends. The fact that are still blaming yourself tells me you have issues. This wasn't your fault. If anything they should be apologizing to you.

 

Instead of contacting them, have you thought about getting therapy?

[mefisto]

>there was life before your ex and there will certainly be life after

Life with her was much better and i don't think i will feel the same way again. And there was no life before my friend, we were together for 15 years. I still don't understand how he could do that to me.

>apologizing makes no sense

Yeah, i know. My brain just can't accept the fact that we are done and over and trying to think the ways to get the things back they were. I also often have thoughts about revenge. My ex-friend has so much better life than me, he has huge amount of money that allows him to do anything he wants without having a single day of working that i have everyday. He could pick any girl he wanted and she would go for it, because he is rich. But he picked my ex, how the hell he did that? How is it fair? I imagine them being happy together and i can't stand this image. I should not have them meeting each other - that my main mistake that i can't forgive myself for.

>The fact that are still blaming yourself tells me you have issues.

I always had issues with self-blame and self-esteem, but those two people always helped me to get over them. I felt so much better while we were together and without them i feel so much worse. Like all the progress i made disappears, all the things and time i invested in our relationships were worthless.

>have you thought about getting therapy?

I don't mind to try, but right now i honestly have no money and time for that. I am afraid i would do some bad things to myself or to my ex-friend. I am afraid that i wont ever be in peace with the things. I am afraid i will always feel that pain in the chest. I am afraid, guys. Thanks for answers.

[BrokenSam]

I'm on here because of a recent break up but i'll tell you a story about an ex that did the same thing to me. I thought I met the perfect girl. It was good but eventually she cheated on me with my best friend. He was married with a kid and one on the way and dumped his wife for my ex. I knew something was going on before the physical cheating and broke up with her and was beyond miserable.

So he dumps his pregnant wife. I lose a big group of friends( they went with him) and I lose what I thought was the best thing that ever happened to me. I end up taking care of his wife because I felt responsible. Just stuff like finding her a car etc. Months later I tell her to come out with me and my friends. If she meets someone let me check him out first etc.

Long story short we end up sleeping together. I squashed it when I found out she told my ex best friend. Slept with his sister too but again just a coincident lol.

Anyway, him and I became friends again. His ex remarried. He married my ex. For the past 8 years they've cheated on each other left and right. My current ex and I went out with them a lot. About 2 months ago he calls me. Says I'm sorry for being such a terrible friend. Caught my wife cheating with someone we know and just swallowed a bunch of pills. So I'm out to dinner but I rush to his house just in case. By then his wife is back home. They worked it out. She needs him for appearances and he needs her for her income. But he'll never leave her by herself again.

I'm now going through my current break up and he isn't there for me at all. I understand he can't ever leave his wife alone and that's a great way to live. What I'm trying to say is if it doesn't work out you'll laugh about it down the road if you allow yourself to pull through

[AaronSG]

One things that screams at me the most out of everything you have said here, the thing that frightens me the most here.....is this one small, but simple statement you said!

 

Also, today i would have friend and girlfriend and be happy.

 

This one little statement screams more loudly than anything else you've said, trust me buddy, and I had to learn the hard way, having someone in your life like a girlfriend doesn't always mean life long happiness and exotic bliss! Also, I've come to learn that having someone in your life isn't the key to happiness, nope, before you can find that type of happiness with someone, you first need to get to a point that your just totally happy with you, being happy with just you, being able to be happy with just yourself even while being alone!

 

I wasn't born with the knowledge about we first need to be happy with ourselves first before we can have a meaningful relationship with another. I wasn't born knowing this, like you I thought perhaps that the key to my happiness was having a woman, any woman in my life. Oh yeah, I've got someone now, so I can be happy! Nope, doesn't work that way, wish it did, but it doesn't. You can't just throw anyone in your life and say that now that you have someone your going to happy.

 

I think you might want to invest some time researching the word or term "codependent"! For saying that if you would still have someone in your life that would make you happy. I've learned by attending my once a week codependency support group meetings, that it doesn't work that way, first learn to be happy with yourself, then you can be happy with another!

 

Maybe if anything I said here might give you something to think about!

[mefisto]

BrokenSam, your story is truly horrifying. I don't understand, how could you forgive your friend after what he did? And everything else seems so messed up, like some terrible endless circle of high infidelity and primal sex relations.

 

>having someone in your life like a girlfriend doesn't always mean life long happiness

Maybe you missed the part about how i lost two most important people in my life at one second. Most of the people on this forum went through loss of one person. But no one can imagine how you would feel when you lost two of them.

 

>Also, I've come to learn that having someone in your life isn't the key to happiness. You can't just throw anyone in your life and say that now that you have someone your going to happy.

Okay, you are right about that. Maybe i would not be happy because i would be with them. But i certainly would not be so goddamn miserable right now, thinking about suicide. And with their help i could be happy with myself one day because the thought about having them in my life would warm me up. Now it seems so impossible.

 

>first learn to be happy with yourself, then you can be happy with another!

After what happened i probably wont ever be happy with myself. It means i wont ever have any relationship again?

 

>Maybe if anything I said here might give you something to think about!

Yeah, it did. Thanks.

[mefisto]

Now i had a breakdown at workplace. Luckily, nobody was around to see me. I just can't stop repeating my mistakes in my head, over and over again. This is torture that turned into pure obsession. Why i was so incredibly stupid idiot? Why i could not understand the simple basics of female psychology? Why i trusted my ex-friend so much? Why can't i accept the things and move on? I know nobody will answer those questions. I feel like i can't handle my feelings. My health is getting worse, my nervous system is ruined, i have tremors, headache, pain in chest. I also know that the way i live my life wont ever attract any girl ever again. And to change my lifestyle i need years of time, because it needs so much huge changes. There will be goddamn years of chronic loneliness, misery, regret, pain, retroactive jealousy, hurtful memories, self-blame, self-pity, sexual deprivation, nightmares, crying breakdowns, physical and mental degradation. Why i should go for all that crap, its much better to end this all absurd rollercoaster now.

Edited October 28, 2014 by mefisto

[d0nnivain]

I'm am so sorry that you are suffering so & it has physical manifestations. If you aren't already in therapy, get a therapist. It will give you a constructive outlet for all of your issues & it will help. It's not a quick fix, though.

 

You aren't stupid. You were in love so you wanted to trust. You gave them the benefit of the doubt & they betrayed you. That doesn't make you stupid.

[mefisto]

>I'm am so sorry that you are suffering

I appreciate your compassion.

 

>get a therapist.

I really don't have the possibility right now.

 

>You were in love so you wanted to trust.

I keep blaming myself that i was not good enough friend and boyfriend to them. Otherwise i can't explain why they did it. If its revenge on me for something that i don't know exactly what it was.

[mefisto]

I hate mornings so much. I wake up and instantly remember everything, in one nanosecond all the pain and misery coming back. Damn, i am so weak. My mother see what im going through, she wants to help, but all her help goes in vain, because im stuck and cant move on. Shes pretty old and started to feel bad blood pressure because of me. She doesnt deserve be miserable as i do.

[AaronSG]

Damn, i am so weak.

 

No your not, let's not talk that way about yourself right now! Your not weak because of waking up in the morning and within, as you say "nanoseconds" of waking up, everything about your current situation floods back into you! I hate to break the news to you mefisto, but what your going through, the whole waking up and being flooded thing, it's normal.

 

On this up coming November-3-2014 it will have been exactly 3 months since my ex-fiance walked out the front door here for the last time, never to return! Even being about 3 months removed from my breakup and such, even to this day, there are several mornings I wake up and get the same "nanosecond" styled floods like you do. There are some mornings I wake up and the breakup situation hit's me like a ton of bricks. But I'll share with you some good news, the whole wake up and flood thing, it get's better in time!

 

For there are now several mornings I wake up now and don't give my breakup situation much thought! Sometimes I wake up and look out the window at the now sunny morning and tell myself, you got another day on Earth Aaron, what are you going to do with it! Most of the times I just wake up now, shake off a little reality tensions, think to myself what do I want to do today, do a little planning and go about getting it done. But trust me, in time, things will ease up a bit!

 

But please, don't put yourself down, now is not the time for that. Your in a very sensitive and ginger place in your life, you don't need to be talking down about yourself, what you need to do is start talking yourself up!

 

Take care of you, be gentle with yourself, be mindful of the situation you put yourself in right now, and remember, if things get to hard to deal with, it's not "weak" of you to take a break.

 

take care....

[BrokenSam]

Mefisto. I could forgive her because I realized she wasn't that great and got over her. I could forgive him because my ex was ridiculously hot and couldn't blame him lol. Just kidding. I was more disgusted by what he did to his wife and kids. We were almost like brothers so it took a few years and a lot of talks. I have better friends but I know what to expect from him. Matter of fact I was on the phone with him before giving him advice on his cheating wife (my ex) lol

[Miss Clavel]

>I'm am so sorry that you are suffering

I appreciate your compassion.

 

>get a therapist.

I really don't have the possibility right now.

 

>You were in love so you wanted to trust.

I keep blaming myself that i was not good enough friend and boyfriend to them. Otherwise i can't explain why they did it. If its revenge on me for something that i don't know exactly what it was.

 

well, the only way to get answers is to stick around, i.e. stay alive.

 

just give it 90 days, a day at a time and go see a doctor. i cried for eight days straight, couldn't breathe with chest pains and plain old fashioned pain pain.

 

the doctor can help you.

 

leave them alone. take care of yourself. use a mantra several times a day.

 

i used, "it's over, the end. it's over, the end. it's over, the end" 100 times a day.

 

and today, it's still over. i'm here, the cheaters don't live together and they aren't married.

 

stick around, don't you want to know how this turns out?

[mefisto]

Hello again, fellow broken hearts. If someone is tired of my threads, just ignore it. I want to talk with some of you again. Sorry for the grammar, i am very nervous right now, my head is very dizzy.

 

I know everybody went through a breakup here. Many of you were dumped. Some of you were cheated on. But nobody went over something that i had. If you know such similar stories, please tell me, because i want to know if there are people like me who survived this. So, three months ago i got to know that my gf (2.5 years) started to dating my best friend (15 years) behind my back. I had a nervous breakdown that day and couldnot get up from bed a week after. So, i want to ask each of you who went over breakup, just imagine that your ex cheated on you with your bestfriend. I don't ask you what would you do, because its obvious. All of you would say that i need to cut them both of my life. I did. I went completely NC on both of them and they didn't even apologize or explained why they did it. But i want to ask you what would you feel if such thing happened to you.

 

So, the story continues. I almost completely stopped eating, drinking, even breathing. I just turned into vegetable. I started to feel a constant pain in chest, insomnia, nausea and pysosis. My mother started to feel the same because she saw everything. After 2 weeks i started to work again, but it was very frustrating, i couldnt concentrate on anything, i was like a zombie. I could thinking only about two things: suicide and revenge. And i was like that for a month. On second month i started to feel a little better, did a lot of distractive things. As ridicolous it may sound, but i found a small comfort in thought that they should have felt guilty and that would stop them from seeing each other.

 

I know how foolish it is, but i really thought that. And with this comforting thought i tried to move on, did a lot of studies, went to work, picked up a few hobbies, had a psychotherapy session, had a few failed dates, started working out, called two old buddies. All of that didn't really help at all, especially all the dates i had just made me feel like i wont ever find a girl, that would be better than my ex. I mean, of course, there are a lot of girls, who are better than her, but they all are out of my league, i tried it with them and rejections just ruined pieces of self-esteem that i still had at the moment. Also, there are many girls, who are worse than ex and some of them, most desperate and not-attractive ones, maybe would even consider be my gfs, but i can't go for them because it wont help me at all. So, after 3 months i felt like i made some little tiny progress and started to feel a little better, like my depression scale became lower from 8/10 to 7/10. And then i decided to meet with my old buddy once again, who also knew my ex best friends, since the days when we were in one school together.

 

I didnt tell him anything about my tragedy because we are not so close and i didnt want to burden him with my whining. So, we had very nice evening, drank a lot of beer and were laughing a lot. And then he dropped a phrase that literally killed me. Just one goddamn phrase erased all my progress for 3 months: "hey, i saw your best friend recently, he was with some girl...". I fell in shock. I realized they still seeing each other. Suddenly all my world collapsed again. All the visual pictures of them together, having sex and stuff, started to attacking my mind and killing it. After that i returned on stage 1, when i was the vegetable. ALL IS LOST AGAIN! I can't eat, can't drink, can't breathe, cant live. All of my thoughts are circling around revenge and suicide. One of two. And since i don't really have the possibility to get a proper revenge, i feel like i should kill myself.

 

Recently i even tried to jump on a car, but the driver reacted and turned away. At one nanosecond i felt like my suffering is over. But now its back. I can't live with compehension of this double betrayal. I imagine my death as the only escape from this. Is there any other?

Edited November 6, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ronni_W]

mefisto,

I am so sorry that you are back where you started!

How you progressed through it all the first time, is quite inspirational. It speaks to your own inner strength, determination to overcome, and resilience. If you allow, those will serve you at least as well, dealing with this new round of crappy feelings.

 

Other than sending some BIG cyber hugs your way, I don't really have anything to offer.

(((((mefisto)))))

[SoThatHappened]

I'm sorry, but it seems like nothing has changed from when you originally found out they were hooking up, and you cut them out of your life.

 

It just sounds like someone else told you what you already knew.

 

I could be missing something I guess, but that was my take after reading that wall of text. If you could place it into paragraphs, that would help with comprehension on my end.

 

Don't jump in front of cars.

 

If you're truly that suicidal, you need to seek help. Call a hotline immediately.

[mefisto]

Ronni, thanks. Nothing inspirational about me. I have been crying almost every night all that time.

ThatHappened, i thought after they discovered that i know - it wont last long for them. Now i know it will. Hotline is bull****.

 

I see that everybody ignored my request. I just need a little empathy, is it too much to ask? Each one of you has bestfriend. Imagine your gf or bf dump you to be with them. How would you feel?

[mefisto]

Okay, i called the hotline and now im less suicidal.

But still, nobody can comment my situation? Is it really such a trivial thing for all of you?

[SoThatHappened]

If my "best friend" hooked up with my girl, he wouldn't be my friend or even acquaintance any more.

 

Neither would the girl who left me for him.

 

It would hurt like heck, so I understand why you're in pain. You just lost 2 people who were very close to you.

 

It is double-betrayal. I get that.

 

However, look how their relationship started... on a deceitful, lying, betraying foundation. They'll always have that guilt they'll have to live with.

 

It's nearly impossible to do when you're fresh off of something like this, but you need to try to focus on improving your life. Nothing you can do about what has happened. You can only mold your future.

 

Good job calling the hotline.

[mefisto]

It would hurt like heck, so I understand why you're in pain. You just lost 2 people who were very close to you.

It is double-betrayal. I get that.

Thanks a lot! I just needed someone to imagine themselves at my place. Add to that next info: this girl was the only you ever had. First kiss, first sex, first love, first everything. You are also very shy person and almost don't have any friends besides the betrayer. Your ex-best friend, in the school days, was the same as you, just poor little and shy guy with a lots of complexes. Now he is filthy rich, he is better than you in every aspect of life, so you are always dying from jealousy when you thought about her being with him. You can't find "rebound" or "night one stand" or anything that has to do with other girls, because your self-esteem is ruined. And you have obsessive disorder that keeps painful memories and images of ex infidelity always harassing your mind. Nice cocktail of circumstances, huh?

 

>on a deceitful, lying, betraying foundation. They'll always have that guilt they'll have to live with.

Yeah, i thought about it, but im not really sure. Maybe they always hated me and actually had pleasure to betray me. Otherwise the guilt would have stopped them from seeing each other. But i know now that it did not.

 

Ummm yeah, can we please stop with these depressing thread titles? Brings a lot of people down when they're reading this section.

 

*visits the coping section, first thing he sees is "I can't live with myself".*

Actually, this thread is old. I created a new one with different title, but the moderator deleted it and moved message to this one. And also, i don't get your frustration. I can't live with myself - its about me, not about you.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Mefisto, I'm so sorry for the incredible pain you're going through.

 

You keep blaming yourself for this situation but let me tell you...What your ex and your ex-best friend did to you has NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with their character, values and morals. You did nothing wrong. You are not responsible for the choices others make.

 

What's done is done and the past cannot be changed. You think about suicide and revenge...for what? For the actions of two people who didn't give a damn about you? You know what the best revenge is? To live well...to succeed...to be happy.

 

And, my friend, you will get there as long as you don't give up.

 

I firmly believe that the universe has a funny way of giving people what they deserve. I believe that the vibe, the energy, the good or bad that you put out in the world comes back to you in one way or another...

 

Take it 1 day at a time and try to be IN THE PRESENT as much as you can. When the past pops up in your head do your best to stop or distract yourself. When you become anxious about the future..stop or distract yourself. When enough time has passed, you'll start to feel good again.

 

You have every right to be devastated, hurt, angry, depressed and more....but remember, you also have every right to come out of this stronger, wiser and happier.

 

Your life is worth more than the actions of 2 very unworthy people. You're worth true, selfless, mutual love. You're worth having a best friend who won't betray you. You are worth everything you want in life.

 

Take it day by day and don't ever give up.

 

(HUGE HUG)