I can't live with myself (Updated)

[mefisto]

Mefisto, I'm so sorry for the incredible pain you're going through.

 

You keep blaming yourself for this situation but let me tell you...What your ex and your ex-best friend did to you has NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with their character, values and morals. You did nothing wrong. You are not responsible for the choices others make.

 

What's done is done and the past cannot be changed. You think about suicide and revenge...for what? For the actions of two people who didn't give a damn about you? You know what the best revenge is? To live well...to succeed...to be happy.

 

And, my friend, you will get there as long as you don't give up.

 

I firmly believe that the universe has a funny way of giving people what they deserve. I believe that the vibe, the energy, the good or bad that you put out in the world comes back to you in one way or another...

 

Take it 1 day at a time and try to be IN THE PRESENT as much as you can. When the past pops up in your head do your best to stop or distract yourself. When you become anxious about the future..stop or distract yourself. When enough time has passed, you'll start to feel good again.

 

You have every right to be devastated, hurt, angry, depressed and more....but remember, you also have every right to come out of this stronger, wiser and happier.

 

Your life is worth more than the actions of 2 very unworthy people. You're worth true, selfless, mutual love. You're worth having a best friend who won't betray you. You are worth everything you want in life.

 

Take it day by day and don't ever give up.

 

(HUGE HUG)

Wow, you wrote really great and motivational post! I ll try to read it every day. Appreciate that!

[AaronSG]

So, three months ago i got to know that my gf (2.5 years) started to dating my best friend (15 years) behind my back.

 

First off, my situation isn't the same as yours, but you asked for comparisons or if anyone here might have gone through something as close as the same as what you've gone through? I'll try my best, even with different situations to tie this together as to prove, even though things about our breakup are different, we basically dealt with the same things!

 

Cheating, strong word, very powerful, this word can be used to describe more than a person cheating on you with another, yup, this word not only can describe when one sleeps around behind your back with another, but it can also describe when outside forces cheat you out of a relationship.

 

I know it's a super long read, but with my situation, my ex-faince let outside forces control her to the point where she wasn't thinking for herself, and therefore allowing her family, namely her Father to cheat me out of a relationship with his Daughter.

 

If your interested, give my situation a read, you'll see a different example of "cheating", but in the end, different example or not, it's all the same, we both suffered a breakup due to "outside forces"!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/494228-1-5-months-later-i-m-still-upside-down

 

If you took the time to read that, from start to finish you'll see a new definition to the word "cheating"! It doesn't always have to be used when describing when one gets into relations with someone, when that person is still with us. It doesn't always mean when one is sleeping around with the one we love behind our backs. It also can be used to describe when outside forces just plain and simply cheat you out of a relationship with the one you love.

 

Yeah, our situations are way different, but the end result is the same, to your best friend, to someone who was going to be my future Father-In-Law, we both got cheated, we both got dumped, we both got thrown away like yesterdays trash, all for what? Because outside forces came in between us and the one we love or loved!

 

Cheating on any level is very hard to deal with, very hard to heal from and very hard to cope with! At least for myself, when thinking about the situation as a whole, in reality I didn't do to much to bring on the demise of my relationship, if I had, I would of had a better time coping with it, because I would have known that I brought some of this on myself, knowing that I might have been guilty of the fall would have made it more easy for me to cope, because I would whole heartedly know who to lay the majority of the blame on! But when "outside forces" come in between you and the one you love, that's becomes a whole new ball game! Now not only are you possibly kicking yourself in the a** for whatever part you played in the demise, but your also mentally holding the one you love feet to the flames of blame, but now you got a new player, a third party, the third wheel to a two wheeled bike, now you got someone else to blame for the fall. For myself it was mentally hard to cope with the fact that in my situation there was a third party to contend with, for normally, in normal breakup situation there's only two party's, you and the one you love, but in our cases there's a third party involved, which doesn't help things, because at least for me, I became mentally stretched. Not only was I mentally dealing with my crap, not only was I dealing mentally with the crap my ex-fiance generated, but now I had to stretch myself mentally and deal a person who was to be my future Father-in-Law!

 

Regardless of the "cheat", when the cheat is done with someone you know, someone you once thought special, someone who you once trusted, like your "best friend" to my "future father-in-law", we knew these people, we knew them well. We would have never expected these people we knew to ever try and cheat us out of anything, relationships included. But alas, your "best friend" helped cheat you out of a relationship, my ex-faince's Father cheated me out of mine, we both suffered the same results.......a cheat is a cheat!

 

I hope my "rambling on session" helped you in some way! I hope now that perhaps I might of redefined the word "cheat" for you, let you know that it doesn't always have to be what we all classically have known it to mean, it can be used to describe many more ways when when get's cheated out of a situation, like yours and mine!

 

hope this helped, you take care and you stay with us buddy, keep posting, keep talking and for God sakes.........no more jumping in front of cars!

[mefisto]

Aaron, i don't think that comparison of your father in law and my ex friend is making sense. And what "outside forces" are you talking about? Thanks for message anyway.

 

As i said earlier, i went to therapist. I said him that i can't forgive myself for the last messages that i sent to her. How stupid i was, its unbelievable. It was the moment when i could fix everything but i didnot. And made things so much easy for her. She read bitter bull**** that i wrote and thought "what a bitter evil jerk, its so good i cheated and dumped him". If i wrote something about my feelings without insults towards her, she would understand me and at least feel a little guilt. So, my therapist thinks i should write a apologizing letters to both of them to get sort of closure and peace. I want to write it too, but in the same time i strongly disagree with him. I mean, how it is fair? They ruined my life and broke me without any remorse and i am the one who should apologize? Its absurd. What do you think?

[AaronSG]

Aaron, i don't think that comparison of your father in law and my ex friend is making sense. And what "outside forces" are you talking about?

 

Outside forces = your ex-friend

 

Outside forces = My would have been Father-in-law

 

Something or someone from the "outside" of our relationships came in between us and the one we love or loved!

 

Your ex-friend physically came in and destabilize a relationship, your relationship, and helped produce it's end.

 

My would have been Father-in-law with his words came in and destabilize a relationship, mine, which helped produce it's end.

 

These two individuals both contributed in cheating us out of some thing, one used his physical presence, one used his tricky words, but in the end we are without our loves, why? All because we were cheated!

 

Hope you could understand that!

[mefisto]

Outside forces = your ex-friend

 

Outside forces = My would have been Father-in-law

 

Something or someone from the "outside" of our relationships came in between us and the one we love or loved!

 

Your ex-friend physically came in and destabilize a relationship, your relationship, and helped produce it's end.

 

My would have been Father-in-law with his words came in and destabilize a relationship, mine, which helped produce it's end.

 

These two individuals both contributed in cheating us out of some thing, one used his physical presence, one used his tricky words, but in the end we are without our loves, why? All because we were cheated!

 

Hope you could understand that!

Okay, i kind of get your point. But its still can't be compared. At first, you can't possibly have the same relations with future father in law that you can have with friend after 15 years of growing up together. At second, father in law can be seen as outside force, because he was outside from the beginning. But i introduced my ex to my ex friend myself, they both were inside because i let them. I can't forgive myself for that.

[Snaggletooth]

Mefisto, I went through similar thirteen years ago only it wasn't just one friend, my ex had been carrying with a bunch of them. She was a knockout, film star looks and even my brother in law once said there isn't a man alive who would't give his right arm for a night with her. As I was never the jealous or insecure type it never bothered me that fellas were always sniffing around. If they overstepped the mark I'd growl and they would run away. With mates it was different, they were trusted and most of them I'd known for twenty years and looked upon as brothers.

 

When I first found out it was difficult to cope. Every day was a new revelation. Constant barrage of discovering your entire life was a lie. I'd just bought a house, set up a rescue home, had forty critters to deal with and thought I was about to start a family. Then you learn your woman is an exceptionally nasty piece of work, that your mates are no better and that all your hopes and dreams have been smashed apart to be replaced by a mountain of debt and a workload that's going to take the next decade or two of your life.

 

How did I feel? Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, mind was racing, struggling to reconcile what had just happened to my life and struggling to think straight. One day I caught myself in the mirror, I don't think I eaten or slept for two weeks, I saw myself and thought "F*cks sake man, why get in this state over a bitch and some b*stards? Good riddance to them" and so went back to rebuilding life. No self doubt or blame, no feeling that I had lost anything special, no pining for what once was, as that was nothing more than lies.

 

Same applies to you. You had a woman of such low class she would sleep with your best friend. You had a friend so low he would sleep with your woman. You've lost nothing you're not better off without. You've nothing to blame yourself for. You didn't make them do this, this is what they are. It's what's in them. That lack of morals and character is down to them and the people who raised them. Nothing to do with you. The ability to be honest, true, loyal, upstanding, decent human beings is within the individual person. Their failure to be that is not your responsibility. Don't apologise to those who cheat and betray you. That's like apologising to a person who just mugged and beat you to a pulp. Hold your head high and maintain your dignity.

 

 

A double betrayal is about as low down and bad as it gets but you will get through this. Your mind will become straight, you'll start to see things differently. You'll get your strength back, your old self back and eventually move on to better things. It's going to hurt, it's going to be painful, but keep that head high and as was said above, one day at a time.

Edited November 12, 2014 by Snaggletooth

[mefisto]

Mefisto, I went through similar thirteen years ago only it wasn't just one friend, my ex had been carrying with a bunch of them. She was a knockout, film star looks and even my brother in law once said there isn't a man alive who would't give his right arm for a night with her. As I was never the jealous or insecure type it never bothered me that fellas were always sniffing around. If they overstepped the mark I'd growl and they would run away. With mates it was different, they were trusted and most of them I'd known for twenty years and looked upon as brothers.

 

When I first found out it was difficult to cope. Every day was a new revelation. Constant barrage of discovering your entire life was a lie. I'd just bought a house, set up a rescue home, had forty critters to deal with and thought I was about to start a family. Then you learn your woman is an exceptionally nasty piece of work, that your mates are no better and that all your hopes and dreams have been smashed apart to be replaced by a mountain of debt and a workload that's going to take the next decade or two of your life.

 

How did I feel? Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, mind was racing, struggling to reconcile what had just happened to my life and struggling to think straight. One day I caught myself in the mirror, I don't think I eaten or slept for two weeks, I saw myself and thought "F*cks sake man, why get in this state over a bitch and some b*stards? Good riddance to them" and so went back to rebuilding life. No self doubt or blame, no feeling that I had lost anything special, no pining for what once was, as that was nothing more than lies.

 

Same applies to you. You had a woman of such low class she would sleep with your best friend. You had a friend so low he would sleep with your woman. You've lost nothing you're not better off without. You've nothing to blame yourself for. You didn't make them do this, this is what they are. It's what's in them. That lack of morals and character is down to them and the people who raised them. Nothing to do with you. The ability to be honest, true, loyal, upstanding, decent human beings is within the individual person. Their failure to be that is not your responsibility. Don't apologise to those who cheat and betray you. That's like apologising to a person who just mugged and beat you to a pulp. Hold your head high and maintain your dignity.

A double betrayal is about as low down and bad as it gets but you will get through this. Your mind will become straight, you'll start to see things differently. You'll get your strength back, your old self back and eventually move on to better things. It's going to hurt, it's going to be painful, but keep that head high and as was said above, one day at a time.

 

Thank you so much for your post! In some details you really had it worse than me and you dealt with it with great dignity and for that i admire you. But you probably could cope with it much easier than me because, as you said you never were insecure type, and didn't do anything wrong to drove your ex to cheating. I, on the other side, did a lot of mistakes, and i still can't quit self-blame. I knew exactly what i did to make her lose all respect for me. There were two situations in particular, when i acted as beta-male and showed her my weaknesses, while my friend acted as alpha-male and showed her strength. After that she became extremely cold to me. She got to know that my ex-friend is better than me as a male. I can't cope with this **** at all. Memories of those situations are haunting me constantly. I hate myself so goddamn much. that sometimes i don't want to live anymore. I can't live with burden of this permanent humiliation. I wish i just could erase this from my memory. But its impossible. Can you give any advice on that?

Also, can you tell how your life turned up after what happened? Do you have relationship now? What else do you have in life at this moment?

[Snaggletooth]

Thank you so much for your post! In some details you really had it worse than me and you dealt with it with great dignity and for that i admire you. But you probably could cope with it much easier than me because, as you said you never were insecure type, and didn't do anything wrong to drove your ex to cheating. I, on the other side, did a lot of mistakes, and i still can't quit self-blame. I knew exactly what i did to make her lose all respect for me. There were two situations in particular, when i acted as beta-male and showed her my weaknesses, while my friend acted as alpha-male and showed her strength. After that she became extremely cold to me. She got to know that my ex-friend is better than me as a male. I can't cope with this **** at all. Memories of those situations are haunting me constantly. I hate myself so goddamn much. that sometimes i don't want to live anymore. I can't live with burden of this permanent humiliation. I wish i just could erase this from my memory. But its impossible. Can you give any advice on that?

Also, can you tell how your life turned up after what happened? Do you have relationship now? What else do you have in life at this moment?

 

We all have our fears and weaknesses. Anyone you are a relationship with is at some point going to see you at your weakest and most vulnerable. Stay in a relationship long enough and you'll see a partner ill, injured, upset, in tears, depressed, scared and even end up wiping their arse for them. Nobody is always strong. A woman that runs off with your best mate the first time you show weakness is a woman well rid of. It's not a woman you could ever rely on, depend upon or trust. It's a woman of low character. A good woman will give you support when having bad moments, not go a boinking your best mate.

 

Would you screw your ex's best friend if your ex showed weakness? Of course not, it would be a terrible thing to do. Would you expect her to blame herself if you cheated? Of course not. So why blame yourself? Your partner is the one person in the world you should be able to show weakness in front of. If they run out when you do show weakness it is their failing, not yours.

 

You've dodged a bullet. Well, taken a glancing blow. Be thankful you've learnt what she is really like before you became more committed. Imagine if you'd married and had kids with this woman before learning she was the type to run off when you were at a low ebb.

 

Don't hate yourself, don't blame yourself.

 

Advice on coping with feeling humiliated. I never felt humiliated, I wasn't the liar and cheat. You also shouldn't feel humiliated, they should.

 

Erasing from memory. As you said, you can't, what's happened is now part of your memories. What you do is learn to carry it and deal with it. As time moves on it moves ever further to the back of your mind. On the odd occasion you think about it, it is with no more emotion than remembering the time you fell of your bike as a kid. For me, thirteen years on and it's like it happened to someone else. The whole experience might as well have been a movie I watched or book I once read.

 

Everyone has their own way of coping, for me it was to stay busy. Keep my hands and mind occupied. Keep moving forward. It's not easy, you're in for a rough ride and it likely feels like the end of the world right now. It's not, it's the beginning. These two people are not worth doing anything drastic over. As far as I am concerned the split with my ex is the best thing that ever happened to me. I lost nothing and gained everything. Took some time to get my mind straight enough to realise that, as it will for you, but you'll see it the same way one day.

 

My life now? Very happy. I worked hard, I cleared all the debts, pretty much financially set myself up for life, took on someone else's boy, raised him through his teenage years, chased and obtained a couple of childhood dreams I wouldn't have done if with the ex, currently single and content enough not to be making any effort to look for someone.

 

These things, although they feel so bad at the time are just temporary blips in life. Same as falling of a bike as a kid. It hurts, you heal, you get back on the bike and carry on into the sunset. You're in the hurt stage, take it easy on yourself, bleed a little, it's fine, just don't blame yourself. You were pushed off from behind where you couldn't see it coming. That ain't your fault.

Edited November 13, 2014 by Snaggletooth

[mefisto]

We all have our fears and weaknesses. Anyone you are a relationship with is at some point going to see you at your weakest and most vulnerable. Stay in a relationship long enough and you'll see a partner ill, injured, upset, in tears, depressed, scared and even end up wiping their arse for them. Nobody is always strong. A woman that runs off with your best mate the first time you show weakness is a woman well rid of. It's not a woman you could ever rely on, depend upon or trust. It's a woman of low character. A good woman will give you support when having bad moments, not go a boinking your best mate.

 

Would you screw your ex's best friend if your ex showed weakness? Of course not, it would be a terrible thing to do. Would you expect her to blame herself if you cheated? Of course not. So why blame yourself? Your partner is the one person in the world you should be able to show weakness in front of. If they run out when you do show weakness it is their failing, not yours.

 

You've dodged a bullet. Well, taken a glancing blow. Be thankful you've learnt what she is really like before you became more committed. Imagine if you'd married and had kids with this woman before learning she was the type to run off when you were at a low ebb.

 

Don't hate yourself, don't blame yourself.

 

Advice on coping with feeling humiliated. I never felt humiliated, I wasn't the liar and cheat. You also shouldn't feel humiliated, they should.

 

Erasing from memory. As you said, you can't, what's happened is now part of your memories. What you do is learn to carry it and deal with it. As time moves on it moves ever further to the back of your mind. On the odd occasion you think about it, it is with no more emotion than remembering the time you fell of your bike as a kid. For me, thirteen years on and it's like it happened to someone else. The whole experience might as well have been a movie I watched or book I once read.

 

Everyone has their own way of coping, for me it was to stay busy. Keep my hands and mind occupied. Keep moving forward. It's not easy, you're in for a rough ride and it likely feels like the end of the world right now. It's not, it's the beginning. These two people are not worth doing anything drastic over. As far as I am concerned the split with my ex is the best thing that ever happened to me. I lost nothing and gained everything. Took some time to get my mind straight enough to realise that, as it will for you, but you'll see it the same way one day.

 

My life now? Very happy. I worked hard, I cleared all the debts, pretty much financially set myself up for life, took on someone else's boy, raised him through his teenage years, chased and obtained a couple of childhood dreams I wouldn't have done if with the ex, currently single and content enough not to be making any effort to look for someone.

 

These things, although they feel so bad at the time are just temporary blips in life. Same as falling of a bike as a kid. It hurts, you heal, you get back on the bike and carry on into the sunset. You're in the hurt stage, take it easy on yourself, bleed a little, it's fine, just don't blame yourself. You were pushed off from behind where you couldn't see it coming. That ain't your fault.

I really wish that you are right about your points. But something is holding me back from believing your positive conclusions. For example, you wrote that your wife or girlfriend is the one that should be able to handle your weaknesses. But everything that i saw in life about woman behavior is telling me exact opposite. No matter how close you can be with girl, if you show her weaknesses, you are done. They always compare you to other males, you should never drop the tough act or you would be lonely loser for the rest of your life.

And i can't help but feel sad, when i read the end of your story. Yeah, you are set up financially and everything, thinking your breakup was the best thing ever. But you are still single and raising kid that isnt yours. It seems like the breakup broke something inside you. Don't you want to find female soulmate? Don't you want to give birth to your own kid?

[mefisto]

I feel like i don't move on at all. Why am i stuck so much? Each day feels like worse than previous day. Why i can't cope like others do? Therapy is expensive and doesn't get me better at all. So i lost only hope i had. It seems there is no escape from my suffering. Memories are still haunting me every few minutes, no matter what i do.

Edited November 17, 2014 by mefisto

[mefisto]

Recently i felt a little better because i met this gorgeous girl online. We went on date and i thought it was great, we had so much in common. But i guess she didn't find me as interesting as she expected. She became cold online, not really eager to meet me again. She didn't declined my offer to meet again yet, so there is still possibility, but she didn't answer for 2 days already. Anyway, i feel like im losing the only hope to get better. Like i got proof that i wont ever attract any girl that better than my ex. This is heavy feeling. I think i am truly unattractive person. There are too much flaws in my personality that i can't fix at the moment. The thing is - i tried really hard with her, i did my best, i showed her my most good qualities (without lying about anything) and did a great job to hide my worst. And still it wasnt enough to attract her. And its hard to understand my mistakes, i was pretty confident and made her laugh a lot, touched her a few times and it looked like she liked it. Maybe i should have kissed her, but i thought it too soon for 1st date. I don't know what is so repulsive about me. I hate myself so much right now. And this feeling can't be a reason, because i didn't show her it in any way, as i said i was extremely positive and confident the entire time.

Edited November 26, 2014 by mefisto

[SoThatHappened]

Let me give you some advice from my experience.

 

I'm 5'-8", 135 lbs. soaking wet. Hardly any body fat. Ripped.

 

However, when I was down and out, my posture suffered and my "build" went from muscular to just skinny. Needless to say, bad posture and being skinny don't make the ladies come runnin'.

 

Also, my personality was gone as I was hurting from a breakup. It was a trifecta of $h**.

 

So, to make a change, I started hitting the weights again. I got my posture and build back, and women started to take notice. Everywhere. Grocery store, post office, bank, etc.

 

Also, by building your body up physically, your mental confidence increases simply as a byproduct.

 

Forget the ladies for a bit. Bust your but in the gym and you'll see your physical and mental attractiveness increase. When you're confident, your personality is also better.

[mefisto]

Let me give you some advice from my experience.

 

I'm 5'-8", 135 lbs. soaking wet. Hardly any body fat. Ripped.

 

However, when I was down and out, my posture suffered and my "build" went from muscular to just skinny. Needless to say, bad posture and being skinny don't make the ladies come runnin'.

 

Also, my personality was gone as I was hurting from a breakup. It was a trifecta of $h**.

 

So, to make a change, I started hitting the weights again. I got my posture and build back, and women started to take notice. Everywhere. Grocery store, post office, bank, etc.

 

Also, by building your body up physically, your mental confidence increases simply as a byproduct.

 

Forget the ladies for a bit. Bust your but in the gym and you'll see your physical and mental attractiveness increase. When you're confident, your personality is also better.

Thanks for the advice. I do exercise often and went to thai box section two times already. It boosted my confidence and i used this boost during the date. The problem is - i like her very-very much. Not like putting her on pedestal, she has flaws too. But she also has almost everything i like in girls. I dont want to lose her. Its highly unlikely that i ll ever find girl with whom i have so much in common. Do you think its possible to attract her further if 1st date went obviously not so well? She didnt answer for my message for 2 days already, but its marked as she read it. Is this game over?

[mefisto]

Okay, she didn't respond to my message 3 days already, so i sent another, very short one, trying to not look needy or desperate, just want to get any response from her. I want to get something from her so much. The most part that hurt me right now - she does exactly the same thing that my ex did before i got to know whats going on. She didn't respond for my messages more than 2 weeks. I feel like the story is repeating. Why am i doomed to be treated like that? It feels so bad, tears appearing in my eyes again.

 

Maybe i should call her number? But most definitely, she just wont pick up the phone and i would feel even worse than now.

I want to know what she feels, what she thinks about me. I want to know what my mistake was in particular. Maybe i wasnt confident or funny enough? Maybe it because i didn't kiss her when i could or let her pay for her ticket in zoo? I don't know what it was, too many variants.

I want to know if there any hope. I feel so devastated right now. If only she would answer.

[NopeNah]

Relax..breath.... You're trying to build you with others. Don't do that. You have to build yourself up, alone. No need to be tossing other people into the mix,at the moment. Focus on yourself. Be selfish for a bit.

[mefisto]

Focus on yourself. Be selfish for a bit.

Don't want to build anything. I just like this girl and want to make her to like me. I guess this desire is pretty selfish itself. I sent her pictures of my dog and she finally answered a bit, said that my dog is cute. But she totally ignored my previous message with offer to meet again. She clearly doesnt want to do that. How to change her mind? I think something in my behavior turned her off. In the beggining of our chatting we exchanged huge messaged, but now she just types one tiny phrase after 3 days of waiting. Is there a way to restore her interest towards me?

[aMguilts]

yes

stop being a drip

aM

[mefisto]

stop being a drip

Can you explain what it means?

[aMguilts]

no.............

aM

[evanescentworld]

drip: a weed, a nerd, a feeble-attitude, boring, self-defeating weakling.

 

drip noun (PERSON)

 

informal a boring person without a strong character:

Her husband is such a drip.

 

Just giving you the definition.

[aMguilts]

there ya go

aM

[elaine567]

drip: a weed, a nerd, a feeble-attitude, boring, self-defeating weakling.

 

 

 

Just giving you the definition.

 

LOL! Don't hold anything back there...

[aMguilts]

he asked

aM

[elaine567]

Mefisto, many women who want a LTR, do not want to date men who have just come out of serious relationships, because they find the man is not really over their ex and that can be a bad situation to be in for her.

So the fact she is not that interested, may have nothing to do with you personally. She just doesn't want to get hurt falling in love with a guy who has had no real time to really grieve for his ex.

Rebound relationships tend to not work out.

[aMguilts]

or isnt a man

aM