I can't live with myself (Updated)

[mefisto]

Mefisto, many women who want a LTR, do not want to date men who have just come out of serious relationships, because they find the man is not really over their ex and that can be a bad situation to be in for her.

So the fact she is not that interested, may have nothing to do with you personally. She just doesn't want to get hurt falling in love with a guy who has had no real time to really grieve for his ex.

Rebound relationships tend to not work out.

Its obvious that i didn't tell her anything about breakup. I did my best to be positive and funny and not a "drip". Now i see that wasnt enough. I will try to develop our online communication better, without rushing into new date, maybe she will give me second chance.

[mefisto]

Why i am still feeling deeply wounded, humiliated, angry and bitter after all this time? How to shake off out of my mind those painful memories that haunting me everyday? Everytime i start to feel a little better, some voice in my head starting to tell me things like "you have been horribly betrayed and dumped. You have no right to feel good". How to shut up this voice?

[elaine567]

Why i am still feeling deeply wounded, humiliated, angry and bitter after all this time?

 

Why not? You are grieving and you need time to heal.

It will get better.

[mefisto]

Why not? You are grieving and you need time to heal.

It will get better.

Its not just grieve, its more than that. Grieve is only about coping with outcome. But im stuck with incredibly strong regret and self-blame. I remember exactly what i did what made her lose respect and feelings for me. I feel so disgusted by my actions. I left them alone for 30 minutes one time and let him buy her very expensive present because she asked it. Still cant forgive myself for it. Sex with me was so bad for her, i couldnt last more than 8 minutes, so she wasnt satisfied. I said so stupid and pathetic words to her, still cant believe how i could say it. Like my life is empty and boring without her. Like i dont like my life in general and she is my only hope. How could i be such blind and dumb idiot? Any girl would dump boy if he starts behave like i did. Now i see that everything that happened is my fault only. How to live with this? I cant take it anymore. Im out of money and cant afford any more therapy.

Edited December 1, 2014 by mefisto

[mefisto]

I re-read my thread and realized that im writing the same things over and over again. It means im thinking exactly the same things over and over again. This is endless circle, a dead end. My life is one big depressive and sad groundhog day. This new girl i met just multiplied my suffering, mow im thinking about two girls who intensify my misery. What the hell is wrong with me? I see that people here already told me everything they could, now i don't wait for replies. I just use this thread as personal blog, since i feel a little better after writing here. Hope nobody minds.

[evanescentworld]

Yes, we bloody well do, as it happens.

 

So all this plaintive, self-pitying wailing has done, is to have taken a lot of time, effort and input from people who have tried to support you, help you, encourage you and now you're telling us that you realise it's all come to naught because you're not willing to put the effort in?

 

Bad analogy, that Groundhog Day.

because your life is nothing like it.

See, he LEARNT from his mistakes, made changes, improved his lot and changed the way he viewed things, handled things and dealt with things - and it all came good in the end.

You?

You PREFER to be in pain.

If you didn't, you wouldn't be IN PAIN.

 

I'm sorry, but those truly determined to move on, do so.

You find a perverse form of pleasure in keeping yourself in this state, because however wretched it is, you maintain your connection.

 

Until you truly put effort into divesting yourself of this miserable existence, then you will always be miserable.

It's a choice.

It really is.

 

But if all you're going to do, is blog-wallow, include me out.

I can well do without reading the depressing account of self-induced moroseness.

[mefisto]

>Yes, we bloody well do, as it happens.

I guess i will stop posting, but im surprised by your aggression.

 

>So all this plaintive, self-pitying wailing has done, is to have taken a lot of time, effort and input from people who have tried to support you, help you, encourage you and now you're telling us that you realise it's all come to naught because you're not willing to put the effort in?

I feel a little better now, but coping is still not going well. I write here only when i feel awful, but it doesnt mean that i always feel like that. You don't know about the efforts that i put in to feeling better, because i didn't write about them. And about the people who have tried to support me, i want to thank them. But again, im surprised to read that from you, i re-read my thread again and you wrote only one message about the definition of a "drip" and nothing else, so you didn't help me at all. You still are talking like you personally invested something in me and i somehow disappointed you. Well, im sorry for not matchin your "expectations".

 

>Bad analogy, that Groundhog Day.

because your life is nothing like it.

I should apologize for being not as awesome as Bill Murray. In my defence, the day of the film character was much better than any of my recent days, no matter what effort i would put to change it.

 

>You find a perverse form of pleasure in keeping yourself in this state

Even if part of my brain did, it doesn't mean i did it intentionally. On higher level of conscious, i don't find any pleasure in it at all.

 

>Until you truly put effort into divesting yourself of this miserable existence, then you will always be miserable.

It's a choice.

It really is.

Of course, there always is choice. For example, i chose to stay alive to this moment, while i could choose otherwise. There is no such button in my head that i can press that would erase everything and make indifferent to misery. Maybe for you its that easy, but for me its not. May i ask, how many breakups with friend betrayals you experienced?

 

>But if all you're going to do, is blog-wallow, include me out.

I can well do without reading the depressing account of self-induced moroseness.

I don't remember including you in. You were free from reading it in the first place.

Edited December 2, 2014 by mefisto

[evanescentworld]

This is the very first line, in your very first post, in this thread:

 

Guys, i know had two whining threads already, but i need help again.

 

You state you need help, but you never pick up and run with the advice.

You never seem to actually put into practice - dedicated, prolonged, and earnest practice - what people advise.

 

Why i am still feeling deeply wounded, humiliated, angry and bitter after all this time? How to shake off out of my mind those painful memories that haunting me everyday? Everytime i start to feel a little better, some voice in my head starting to tell me things like "you have been horribly betrayed and dumped. You have no right to feel good". How to shut up this voice?

 

You quit agreeing with it.

WHat's happening is that you listen to it AND agree with it.

Your choice is to quit complying with its message.

You do realise that you and the voice are one and the same?

In other words, you're confirming what I said: You are choosing to follow the route of self-sabotage and moroseness.

 

I feel a little better now, but coping is still not going well. I write here only when i feel awful, but it doesnt mean that i always feel like that. You don't know about the efforts that i put in to feeling better, because i didn't write about them.

Well maybe you should because then, I - and others, I'm not the only one to have 'rained on your parade' - would get to see a better side of things.

 

 

And about the people who have tried to support me, i want to thank them. But again, im surprised to read that from you, i re-read my thread again and you wrote only one message about the definition of a "drip" and nothing else, so you didn't help me at all. You still are talking like you personally invested something in me and i somehow disappointed you. Well, im sorry for not matchin your "expectations".

It doesn't matter what contributions I made - I have followed your thread, and seen how others have helped and supported you, and basically, you just slapped them in the face with your previous post.

I took exception to that.

Simply because I didn't invest personally in your thread, doesn't mean anything.

 

.

I should apologize for being not as awesome as Bill Murray.

Few people are, but that wasn't my point. As you well know. My point was thay your use of that analogy was flawed because at least he got somewhere. Under his own steam....

 

In my defence, the day of the film character was much better than any of my recent days, no matter what effort i would put to change it.

Because you have a self-defeating attitude, you have almost come to expect every day to be worse than the last. Self-fulfilling prophecy, I think they call it.

Even if part of my brain did, it doesn't mean i did it intentionally. On higher level of conscious, i don't find any pleasure in it at all.

Your brain is for you to control, in its entirety. Your brain does not have 'a mind of its own'. You are absolutely choosing your state of mind, from A - Z.

Now that you are aware that the choice is all yours, change your mind.

Literally.

 

 

Of course, there always is choice. For example, i chose to stay alive to this moment, while i could choose otherwise. There is no such button in my head that i can press that would erase everything and make indifferent to misery.

Nobody is suggesting you erase anything. That's not the point of moving on from the rut you're in. Erasing things solves nothing, because you're still left with the after-shock. What you need to do is to face your attitude head-on, challenge it and demolish it.

 

Maybe for you its that easy, but for me its not.

I have never stated or implied it was easy. It takes work and effort. it takes dedication and perseverance.

It takes concentration and determination.

 

May i ask, how many breakups with friend betrayals you experienced?

The break-ups weren't the problem. I have had several extremely severe experiences that could have left me feeling seriously depressed, suicidal and mentally damaged.

I CHOSE to not let what happened to me, determine what I could become.

Took a while, but I beat the crap out of that baggage....

 

 

I don't remember including you in. You were free from reading it in the first place.

Yup I know that. I figured as you keep kicking yourself on the behind, one more blow from me wouldn't hurt, and in fact, might have helped.

Meh, I dunno.

You have to evaluate whether you have it in you to change your mind-set and consciously, actively and practically choose a new direction of thinking.

One thing's for sure: The one you currently hold is doing nothing for you.

Is it?

Edited December 3, 2014 by evanescentworld