Caught LDR "boyfriend" using dating apps?

[mariekatie]

Hi, i'm new to LS. I'm 23, he's 25. We are in a LDR, he is in US while im in europe. We have never met before but he will come over next year to visit me for the first time. I know many people will say it's not real till you meet him.

This is his first relationship, first love and i'm obviously more experienced in this aspect.

 

So we were dating for 6 months without being official. I thought we were exclusive because he said he have stopped looking. So basically he lied. He was amazing to me throughout this 6 months & most of this free time he will be talking to me. Everything seems perfect. Till one day, i found out he updated his dating profile, that's how i found out he was still active on it.

 

I asked him for a break up, he broke down. And he explained to me, he was afraid and everyone tells him LDR doesn't work out. So he showed me the chats, it was non-flirty at all. And it's usually only 3-5 texts, he didn't gave his number or met anyone. He told me he regretted it and deleted everything.

 

He begged me to stay, he can't lose me. And he wants it to be an official relationship.

I told him i need time to think.

 

I want to forgive him but i know i'll be paranoid and be insecure. I already started out with trust issues & he had always been patient with me. He's an amazing guy, except he made this huge mistake. And also, i'm a sensitive person.

 

Any advice guys? would really appreciate!

Edited October 27, 2014 by mariekatie

[SummerDreams]

What you firstly have to think is whether you are ready to give yup your country, your family, your job or studies and your habits for a guy you haven't even met in the other part of the world. Why did you feel the need to create an LDR? I understand you may find it romantic and feel you and your love are different than the other LDRs, but I assure you that the LDRs that have a chance to survive are the ones between people who already obviously know each other, have had a relationship for X time before and the circumstances demand that they stay apart for specific time. As you see your "boyfriend" is not even 100% committed to this relationship. He may say he can't lose you, but I doubt he'll be ready to make the sacrifices needed for this not to happen. I strongly suggest that you find the strength to find a way out of this mess and find a guy who will be there for you, whom you can touch and hug and rely to. Good luck.

[mariekatie]

What you firstly have to think is whether you are ready to give yup your country, your family, your job or studies and your habits for a guy you haven't even met in the other part of the world. Why did you feel the need to create an LDR? I understand you may find it romantic and feel you and your love are different than the other LDRs, but I assure you that the LDRs that have a chance to survive are the ones between people who already obviously know each other, have had a relationship for X time before and the circumstances demand that they stay apart for specific time. As you see your "boyfriend" is not even 100% committed to this relationship. He may say he can't lose you, but I doubt he'll be ready to make the sacrifices needed for this not to happen. I strongly suggest that you find the strength to find a way out of this mess and find a guy who will be there for you, whom you can touch and hug and rely to. Good luck.

 

Hi summerdreams, thank you for the advice. I've had a LDR distance once for a long time so i'm ready for such issue. About moving, we had talked about it & i'll move if it works out. But our priority is about meeting each other first before we talk about it again. He wasn't 100% committed because he was afraid but now he firmly wants to be 100%. He said he had made a big mistake & realise what is important and hope i could give him a chance. And for the sacrifices, basically he sacrificed almost all his social life to stay home & calling me. I'm not a physical person, so i can deal with the distance. So does he.

I'm just wondering, is this just a small issue? Because other than this, he was good to me. I have alot of issues but he was always there for me.

 

Sorry for the bad english, it's not my main language.

[umirano]

This thread belongs to the LDR section.

 

You probably don't believe me, but you're wasting your time. Break up and go NC. LDRs are hard as hell and your guy is doing nothing to make it easier. It's not going to work. You are in for a truck load of more heart ache, the RS can be dragged on for a year or two more but chances you guys end up together are minimal. Also your ages do not impress me WRT the durability of this LDR. If stunts like this one are pulled off early in the RS there's really not a lot of hope. I've been in two LDRs, take my advice or leave it, you have been warned.

[umirano]

And for the sacrifices, basically he sacrificed almost all his social life to stay home & calling me.

That's bad. And it won't work. He can pretend it will. It won't. At some point he will resent you for "making him stay at home". I know that's not really what it is, but that's what it will feel like to him.

 

I'm not a physical person, so i can deal with the distance.

My LDR ex said the same thing. Until she started hanging out with that a55hole.

 

So does he.

Meh..

 

I'm just wondering, is this just a small issue?

No, you haven't even met and he "already" checks out mentally? You two enjoy the attention you're giving each other and both of you live in a fantasy world. Imagination is what drives your RS. And since you'll only meet up in a year you won't have the opportunity to reality-check your respective fantasies. It'll be sobering.

 

Because other than this, he was good to me. I have alot of issues but he was always there for me.

Logging in to skype and listen to what someone else says, while indulging in one's own fantasies is very easy. I've spent a large amount of time doing that during the past 2 years. It has nothing to do with caring and nurturing while living under the same roof, or the same town at least.

 

And if you "have a lot of issues" maybe you're not ready for a RS? Let alone a LDR, one of the more demanding and difficult types of RS?

 

Good luck,

umirano

[PegNosePete]

I know many people will say it's not real till you meet him.

It's not real till you meet him.

[Diezel]

There's a perfectly good reason why "they" say it's not real til you meet the person. Don't you think?

[ascendotum]

It's not real till you meet him.

 

^ this is my attitude as well.

I'm split on this. Good job you busted him and are understandably annoyed that he still looking for a gf/sex maybe on the side. At the same time I appreciate his logic. He is putting his youth on hold for you and as others have discovered LDRs are tough and you are no certainty and he has not had over whelming success with girls to date. I gather he is looking for a safer bet that's local. At the same time you are putting your love life on hold for him too, so I'd get why you would be pissed he is looking for backup options.

Hopefully your meet up next year is early next year.

[d0nnivain]

I'd reclassify your "relationship" as casual but not exclusive until you meet in person. If one of you meets someone IRL before that all bets are off. Until you meet AND decide if the immigration issues are worth dealing with, this isn't going anywhere.

[mammasita]

Its not real until you meet.

[Blade96]

I'd reclassify your "relationship" as casual but not exclusive until you meet in person. If one of you meets someone IRL before that all bets are off. Until you meet AND decide if the immigration issues are worth dealing with, this isn't going anywhere

 

Truth. (i'm in a LDR) that's why I love my boyfriend, but keep realistic about the whole thing. He's more confident in the whole thing working out than I am although we both went public on fb and VKontakte that we changed our statuses and this is LDR is a first for both of us but his head is more in the clouds and not in Belarus where it should be right now. He said last night he is saving money so he can come to me and I said I'd love to see him and so glad, but - at the same time, in my head I know it's a LDR and chances are slim it can work.

[Elle1975]

Why meet next year? If it's a money issue, unfortunately money is a big part of the long distance relationships - if you wish to keep the relationship alive.

[mariekatie]

Hi everyone, thank you for all the advice

I guess it's not real till we meet up. I have decided to give it one last try till we meet up. It will be early next year. Money is not an issue, it's his work + school so he can only come during the holidays.

 

But i have been dealing with quite a bit of fear & insecure. And i kind of understand why he was having this fear. I know the risk will be high but i have made up my mind. Thank you everyone. Probably i'm in for a bigger heart break but we never know till we try i guess!

 

If it works out, it will be good. Immigration is totally possible in my case though. I have already sorted out all these before i even started this LDR. So what's left is to meet him & decide if it will work out.

 

If it doesn't work out, i'll take it as an experience, no regrets.

[SummerDreams]

I like your attitude mariekatie! I hope everything goes great and you are happy. If not, well it will be a great experience. Good luck

[mariekatie]

I like your attitude mariekatie! I hope everything goes great and you are happy. If not, well it will be a great experience. Good luck

 

Thanks Summer! You've been helpful Hopefully things goes well and i'll be back on LS to share my success story hahaha!

[Million.to.1]

Being in one of the rare cross continental LDR success stories, I can tell you, it's hard work.

Keep it casual till you at least meet in person. Making it all exclusive only puts pressure on you both. Don't depend on anything till you have spent some real time together.

You haven't even scratched the sides of the issues facing you maintaining a LDR then moving countries for love. The immigration alone is enough to reduce you to tears.

You are still both very young which is going to bring up a lot of sacrifices for both of you. It's going to be a really tough road ahead if you are determined to make this a real relationship.

 

Good luck.

[mariekatie]

Being in one of the rare cross continental LDR success stories, I can tell you, it's hard work.

Keep it casual till you at least meet in person. Making it all exclusive only puts pressure on you both. Don't depend on anything till you have spent some real time together.

You haven't even scratched the sides of the issues facing you maintaining a LDR then moving countries for love. The immigration alone is enough to reduce you to tears.

You are still both very young which is going to bring up a lot of sacrifices for both of you. It's going to be a really tough road ahead if you are determined to make this a real relationship.

 

Good luck.

 

Hi million, i appreciate your advice I've been in one long-term LDR 2 years ago so i know how bad it can be. We didn't work out because we ain't suitable and immigration is totally impossible.

Loads of money and time wasted but i have no regrets as i took it as a good experience.

 

Thanks to my previous LDR, i had matured alot and achieve many things in life like my career. Moving is a scary thing but perhaps i was already "prepared" for all these way back then and i was on the point of moving, except immigration didn't allow it.

 

Before i started this LDR, i had put in alot of thoughts and checked on immigration. I knew how tough LDR was but well, i still got into another LDR again.

 

If you don't mind, may i ask which countries are you both from? Would you mind sharing some details of your successful LDR?

 

Thank you so much!

[Million.to.1]

He is from Canada. I'm from New Zealand and we live here in New Zealand now. We met 4 years ago while traveling in vietnam. he has been here for 1 year and 8 months.

We are still dealing with immigration.. residency for him at the moment.

You can check out some of my old threads... they are long.

 

but as i said... don't get ahead of yourself till you have met in person.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/350492-what-cost-together

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/359536-his-gain-my-loss

[Blade96]

He begged me to stay, he can't lose me. And he wants it to be an official relationship.

 

So make him earn your trust, don't just accept it. Everyone makes mistakes, it's ok to give him a get out of jail free card one time but watch his behavior to see if he truly feels bad about his error. Tell him you'll change your fb status and everything if he will. Both do it together at the same time. Watch his actions and how he behaves on the Net and all that. A guy who really loves you will want to lock you down - online relationship or not. I've got trust issues too and my Mr Belarus is very good with me, he was able to handle it and both our statuses are changed on our accounts and he seems very devoted to me. I still keep watch for anything screwy but everything is going well.

[mariekatie]

He is from Canada. I'm from New Zealand and we live here in New Zealand now. We met 4 years ago while traveling in vietnam. he has been here for 1 year and 8 months.

We are still dealing with immigration.. residency for him at the moment.

You can check out some of my old threads... they are long.

 

but as i said... don't get ahead of yourself till you have met in person.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/350492-what-cost-together

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/359536-his-gain-my-loss

 

I've read through some of your threads, it seems like you had come a long way to reach this point. I'm happy for you and i hope immigration wouldn't be such a b*tch to your case!

 

Yeah i will keep your advice in mind, prepare for the worst hope for the best huh? Few more months to go. Time seems to flies past so fast.

[mariekatie]

So make him earn your trust, don't just accept it. Everyone makes mistakes, it's ok to give him a get out of jail free card one time but watch his behavior to see if he truly feels bad about his error. Tell him you'll change your fb status and everything if he will. Both do it together at the same time. Watch his actions and how he behaves on the Net and all that. A guy who really loves you will want to lock you down - online relationship or not. I've got trust issues too and my Mr Belarus is very good with me, he was able to handle it and both our statuses are changed on our accounts and he seems very devoted to me. I still keep watch for anything screwy but everything is going well.

 

Hi blade, thanks for the advice. But i think FB relationship status don't mean that much to me. Even if i want to, i would prefer it to be after we met up & things are more stable. I'll only give him one chance and i told him that he have to help me through my trust issues.

 

This came to me as a big surprise as i was always "updated" with his schedule, i know who he hang out with & most of his time were spent on me & work/school. He might lie about it but i still choose to trust him. There will be times i get paranoid though. I've observed his net behaviour before i started this LDR but like people said, don't judge till you meet him. But it's also bad to suspect so i'm trying to balance both.

 

So i guess i could only deal with it for now, trust issues is really torturing, i hate feeling like that! I can only hope things goes well.

[Blade96]

Cool. Have fun but be careful :)

 

I made a thread about wondering how to avoid visa scams. Mr Belarus didn't do anything to cause me worry, I was just wondering due to lack of experience and knowledge. The advice I got was, If he can make it over to Canada (I'm canadian) by himself, than I can grab this guy and take him out for a beer. But if the M word (money) or V word (visa) ever comes up, then I should be a ghost. I was told he can look up a visa and arrange it himself since I know nothing about it. So, that's what i am going to do.

 

Good luck Hope you can go yourself and grab this guy and take him out for a drink I also hope he just made a mistake and he really likes you

 

as I said just pull up a chair for a little while (hope there's beer in the fridge) and let him prove himself to earn your trust. Most people on the Net are decent (just like in real life most people are nice and I've had the Net for 14 years and probably talked with easily a million strangers I've met in 14 years, now just like the real world there'll always be a few jerks but most people are decent) there is a chance he is decent too.

[mariekatie]

Cool. Have fun but be careful :)

 

I made a thread about wondering how to avoid visa scams. Mr Belarus didn't do anything to cause me worry, I was just wondering due to lack of experience and knowledge. The advice I got was, If he can make it over to Canada (I'm canadian) by himself, than I can grab this guy and take him out for a beer. But if the M word (money) or V word (visa) ever comes up, then I should be a ghost. I was told he can look up a visa and arrange it himself since I know nothing about it. So, that's what i am going to do.

 

Good luck Hope you can go yourself and grab this guy and take him out for a drink I also hope he just made a mistake and he really likes you

 

as I said just pull up a chair for a little while (hope there's beer in the fridge) and let him prove himself to earn your trust. Most people on the Net are decent (just like in real life most people are nice and I've had the Net for 14 years and probably talked with easily a million strangers I've met in 14 years, now just like the real world there'll always be a few jerks but most people are decent) there is a chance he is decent too.

 

 

Yeah Sometimes it's better that he make this mistake now, rather than after we are in this for a long time. People makes mistake, but i feel like i shouldn't harp on it anymore. I'm using a different approach on him & he was surprised how calm i could be & how matured i was handling this issue.

 

As for your case, you shouldn't worry at all. Because if he were with you for a visa, why bother wasting so much efforts and time for you? He could use that time/efforts to bait some other victims that could had brought him into the country. Anyway i'm curious, does he get a visa through the marriage way?

BUT still beware, just sit back & let time tell. It's still way too early to tell. I hope things work out!

 

Hahaha most of the people i knew online were so much more decent than my real life friends sadly! I think people turn to the internet to escape from reality but it also masks their real identity. Maybe they were "nice" all along but society forced them to be what they are. Well and usually jerks are the ones who don't have time for online because they have more than enough attention in real life and why would they waste time being online? (No offence to anyone!!)

Edited October 29, 2014 by mariekatie

[Blade96]

Yeah Sometimes it's better that he make this mistake now, rather than after we are in this for a long time. People makes mistake, but i feel like i shouldn't harp on it anymore. I'm using a different approach on him & he was surprised how calm i could be & how matured i was handling this issue.

 

As for your case, you shouldn't worry at all. Because if he were with you for a visa, why bother wasting so much efforts and time for you? He could use that time/efforts to bait some other victims that could had brought him into the country. Anyway i'm curious, does he get a visa through the marriage way?

BUT still beware, just sit back & let time tell. It's still way too early to tell. I hope things work out!

 

Hahaha most of the people i knew online were so much more decent than my real life friends sadly! I think people turn to the internet to escape from reality but it also masks their real identity. Maybe they were "nice" all along but society forced them to be what they are. Well and usually jerks are the ones who don't have time for online because they have more than enough attention in real life and why would they waste time being online? (No offence to anyone!!)

 

yeah I do have doubts that he is just a visa guy, everything I know about him and his behavior and everything I know about catfish (people who hide their identity for whatever reason) points to he is not a catfish. But still, I keep watch for anything.

 

I have some fb friends who do use other names for fb and stuff but they have good reasons to be a catfish (being threatened and things like that) Some people do it because they are (rightfully) afraid for their safety.

 

Yeah I find that too, People I know from the net have often been better for me than people I know in real life! Just as real life, there are always gonna be a few jerks, but Most Net peeplets are indeed cool people.

 

Yes you do seem very mature. Even your guy sees it too. I love your attitude!

Edited October 29, 2014 by Blade96

[mariekatie]

yeah I do have doubts that he is just a visa guy, everything I know about him and his behavior and everything I know about catfish (people who hide their identity for whatever reason) points to he is not a catfish. But still, I keep watch for anything.

 

I have some fb friends who do use other names for fb and stuff but they have good reasons to be a catfish (being threatened and things like that) Some people do it because they are (rightfully) afraid for their safety.

 

Yeah I find that too, People I know from the net have often been better for me than people I know in real life! Just as real life, there are always gonna be a few jerks, but Most Net peeplets are indeed cool people.

 

Yes you do seem very mature. Even your guy sees it too. I love your attitude!

 

 

Thanks blade! I'm still kinda edgy about this, like i would wonder what is he up to & get paranoid thoughts!

I think you shouldn't doubt him as it creates alot of unnecessary negative thoughts. You should be prepared for the worst but not suspect him

But it's always better to be safe than sorry. Sit back & relax. Maybe he turns out to be the one for you, who knows!

I have known 2-3 of my friends having successful LDR and they are married now So i keep hopes in it. Money is a important thing to have though.

 

Well i always play online games since young so i know how the online world works. But i wouldn't ever use a fake name and also most of them are across the countries. BUT! I do have many stalkers over the years though. So it's good to play safe. I wouldn't post much personal details in my social media as well.

 

Online world can be good as i can freely tell others about my secrets. Afterall they don't know me in real life & they wouldn't be able to spread rumours about me hahaha

 

I guess sometimes it takes 2 hands to clap. I changed my approach & matured alot. I did it for myself, not for others. So even if it doesn't work out, i'm still a better person!

 

I look forward to seeing your success LDR stories in LS!!