26 years married 32 years together over

[chew123]

So everything went well. I met with a realtor and ex. House is worth a little more than I thought. i told my wife I have found an apartment, I will be moving into it and she is responsible for the dog. She agreed that since she was the instigator she really had no recourse. Plus she does love the dog also.

 

After the realtor left we discussed a few house issues and she tried to chitchat. I told her I had to go and she started to tear up and cry at the table. I said goodbye and walked out.

 

Her bf cut the lawn and cleaned up some broke tree limbs for her. He is not living there but I assume he is there quite often. i am fine with that as long as we don't cross paths yet and I am sure he feels the same way. I told her I will not be coming back to the house to live and encouraged her to buy me out while we were talking but she really can't afford it. I suggested the 2 of them could afford it together. Got the look at the ground look.

 

Oh, and this weekend is her birthday. She asked me earlier in the week if I would stay and watch the dog while she was away. I told her I am unavailable. After I left last night she called again and asked me if I was sure i could not do it as she is having trouble finding someone. Told her nope. I am available but we are divorced and she needs to stand on her own. We lived in the neighborhood for 22 years. I have multiple friends who would take care of the dog for me. Apparently she has none. Or she is afraid to face them. Oh well, not my problem.

 

I move in to my new apartment in 2 weeks. I am excited!!!

 

One more thing, she has gained a little weight but still looked very good. She was dressed in the kind of outfit that she knows I like. Thought she looked very nice but was really not attracted to her. Another step forward.

[KBarletta]

Way to go Chew!

I will be going through the same things in a few weeks, hoping I can handle it as well.

Difference here is I am still enormously attracted to my wife, so I need to keep my distance. ;-)

[No Limit]

Asking you to take the dog so she can have a fun weekend with her OM? That's pretty low. Not your problem indeed. Although I must admit it's very amusing to read how much of a chicken the other guy is... I guess she'll gain some more weight as well, although it's interesting that she still does everything she can hoping you're still "on the hook".

 

But away from the past, off to the future - will you get some new furniture for your apartment? Have any "decoartion style" in mind for your new home?

[chew123]

KB,

 

The attraction started to fade when I started hanging out with other women. However to be honest I am not overly attracted to them now either. I do really enjoy their companionship though. Right now that is what I need more then anything. Friends who treat me with respect and value my worth. I will get back in the game for real at some point and I have fooled around a bit but to be honest I really just enjoy companionship without the relationship dynamic.

 

Nol

 

Asking me to watch the dog is typical. I really did treat her quite well over the years so it is probably hard for her to get used to the fact that I am not going to do anything for her ever again. I suspect I treated her too well in some ways.

 

As far as decorating I have no idea. Except for the fact that I want it to be as simple and minimalist as possible. I am not into knickknacks or anything that I consider clutter. A few tasteful pieces of art, a simple desk and chair, and a bed and a couch.

 

My house however is very large and filled with furniture tools etc that you acquire over a long period of time. I will probably take some of the antique furniture and let her have the rest or throw it all out. I also have a couple of classic cars I need to sell as well as a small RV. I really need to get going on the liquidation. It is a daunting task, though I suspect unburdening myself of 35 years worth of possessions is going to be liberating. And I honestly thought I was never that into "stuff". Since I have gathered so much apparently I was wrong.

[No Limit]

Oh by the way - about "why doesn't she have friends in the neighbourhood anymore"; I'm just going to assume that most people in your neighbourhood are either couples or married. No matter which one of those two, every single woman in a relationship will guard their home like a pitbull to keep her away. They won't take chances by acting nicely around her, much less inviting to help her out. They want to keep trouble and someone "seducing" their husbands/boyfriends out.

[lgspot]

Oh by the way - about "why doesn't she have friends in the neighbourhood anymore"; I'm just going to assume that most people in your neighbourhood are either couples or married. No matter which one of those two, every single woman in a relationship will guard their home like a pitbull to keep her away. They won't take chances by acting nicely around her, much less inviting to help her out. They want to keep trouble and someone "seducing" their husbands/boyfriends out.

 

Exactly!!!!

[chew123]

I went to my house today as my wife was supposed to be away on birthday vacation. I needed to pick up our extra car so I could put it up for sale.

I noticed a strange car in driveway. Figured it was the dog watcher so I went up knocked then walked in. Turns out they struck out on dog watcher and are staying at our house for the vacation. They were down at the 1 neighbors where she hangs out so I lucked out. Was not trying to surprise them.

 

None of this set me off or anything. I really was not surprised and did not really care so I picked up the car and got out of there.

 

However I did notice an interesting thing or 2. My wife had her party supplies in the fridge, the same champagne , vodka and snacks she always had. and the hottub was heated up. This is exactly the way we celebrated relatively often. It is almost like her life hasn't changed except she plugged in a new guy.

 

I compare this to what I am going through. I have a new place, have changed quite a bit, like to think I have grown and learned a lot. I have explored my formerly dormant spiritual side. And I am really concentrating on spending time alone and learning to be happy by myself. Yes I do have a new friend, but we are really waiting it out til I heal and I am ready. And yes i have also suffered quite a bit. But I really am looking forward to the rest of my life.

 

My sister was with me and we discussed it. She mentioned that she almost feels sorry for her, she has replaced me but really changed nothing else. She is bound to end up living the same life where she was apparently unhappy with the only difference being the new man. We both wondered if that was going to work for her. Time will tell.

[No Limit]

Remarkable. Now that the excitement of the affair is gone she's trying to keep as much of her old life as possible.

No wonder she cries in your presence. I think she'll fall into a depression by the time your house - her home - is sold.

[KBarletta]

... She has replaced me but really changed nothing else. She is bound to end up living the same life where she was apparently unhappy with the only difference being the new man. We both wondered if that was going to work for her. Time will tell.

 

I think you are right - and I think you've already seen evidence of this in her tearing up at the table, etc. She is going to find that unless she makes changes herself, her old unhappiness and restlessness is going to keep her confined to the same patterns. I would say the same is true of my STBX. And if she's being honest with herself, she would have to admit that she has traded down in many ways. I am sure the same is true of your ExW.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

However I did notice an interesting thing or 2. My wife had her party supplies in the fridge, the same champagne , vodka and snacks she always had. and the hottub was heated up. This is exactly the way we celebrated relatively often. It is almost like her life hasn't changed except she plugged in a new guy.

 

Chew, do you think it was a mistake to go in with your sister and poke around?

 

At the worst, could have been an ugly scene. At best, might be seen as crossing a boundary.

 

No disrespect meant, just couldn't picture my self doing same at that stage of separation/divorce. I do get that you still own the house...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chew123]

Mr Lucky,

 

Well, she told me that she was going to be away for 4 days so I assumed the house would be safe. I actually never go there without calling first to make sure it is ok. I don't want to run into them either.

 

As far as poking around, I opened the fridge and charged the battery on the car that I had to take to repair and sell. And i also texted her to let her know I was in the house as soon as I figured out that she did not go away. I really do not want any extra contact.

 

So mistake? Not really, more of a miscommunication. She was supposed to be away and was not. And no harm no foul really.

 

However I will tell you what was a mistake. I called her today and told her that if the house was clear I would like to come over and spackle a few holes and pick up a few items. She said sure the house is

clear.

 

So when I get there the aftermath of her birthday party is apparent. Her BFs coat, shirts etc are in the living room. The mantle has 3 birthday cards all from him.

 

So the mistake was I read the cards.lol All that did was piss me off again. I should have just done what I had to do and get out. but honestly, we are prepping the house for sale, show a little respect and keep your bfs stuff in your room. No need to spread them around the common areas of the house .

 

Either way lesson learned again. NC is the best solution. Everything else just triggers me still.

 

I can't wait for the summer when my son is home and I have to deal with him spending time with the bf. this is all so much fun.

[Mr. Lucky]

So when I get there the aftermath of her birthday party is apparent. Her BFs coat, shirts etc are in the living room. The mantle has 3 birthday cards all from him.

 

So the mistake was I read the cards.lol All that did was piss me off again. I should have just done what I had to do and get out. but honestly, we are prepping the house for sale, show a little respect and keep your bfs stuff in your room. No need to spread them around the common areas of the house .

 

This was really the part I was alluding to, the reconnection to the past life you're leaving behind and the contrast to the new life you're forced to accept. Just seems like a voluntary step back when the way is clearly forward.

 

Live and learn. I had my own ledger of mistakes though I eventually landed on my feet (and then some ). Funny thing was, I almost always knew the correct thing to do but human nature a tough opponent...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chew123]

Agreed voluntary step back. Gonna try not to do that again. Listing house finally on Thursday. Hopefully sell it quick, divide up the possessions then I only have to see her/them very infrequently. Like at my son's college graduation in 3 years.

 

And actually looking at the cards should have made me feel better. There were very few where there used to be many. And one of our good friends stopped by to pick up an item of his during the party. He was hastily introduced to the new man, then told my wife that I really don't belong here anymore and left.

 

The friends fallout is really starting to take off now. For all practical purposes I have chosen to dump the friends who hang out with her and her bf. I am glad to lose most of them and there really are not very many, but a few of them I do feel bad about. And its not like I confront them or anything, I just let them drift out of my life.

 

Another sad part of the process.

[No Limit]

but honestly, we are prepping the house for sale, show a little respect and keep your bfs stuff in your room. No need to spread them around the common areas of the house .

 

Payback time - leave some hot underwear or used condoms behind the next time you're there for a longer period of time (like checking some other stuff that could take a whole afternoon).

[chew123]

My wife has started to call me mean and has been a bit balky about the house sale. As this is the last hurdle, I decided to send her a note about how what she is perceiving as mean is really just me having a normal reaction to a difficult situation. In the note I included a short timeline of the events over the last 6 months and explained I am just reacting to her behavior.. I also told her no response required, just realize that I am not mean, I am just moving forward as best as I can. I know this is not recommended but I felt the need to smooth things a bit as we are signing real estate contract tomorrow and I really want to get the house sold.

 

So I thought I should share what I got back as I know many of you are in NC with your STBXs and it is interesting to see how they think. Her response

 

"

There’s not much I can say to defend myself. I love you, I always did and I always will but we lost something along the way and the gap just got bigger and bigger. The text was a poke at him not you but you have no way of knowing that. The sweatshirt on the table is Barbara’s. And I didn’t know you were going to the house, I would have removed his cards. I will never forgive myself for what I did to you and XXX(son) and our family. The pain is unbearable. Hopefully someday I will learn to live with it. I miss you and our life together."

 

She defends herself on the small points, some of which I have discussed in the past. None of this is a big deal either way. I apparently overreacted to some stuff. What i thought was interesting is the part where she says I will never forgive myself... Then says Hopefully someday I will learn to live with the pain. Not " I hope that son will come out of this ok" or "I hope you are doing ok" . Its all about her pain. Selfish to the end in my opinion.

 

Ah well almost done.

 

 

Nol,

 

Not going down the revenge route. lol Just want out.

[Esraem]

There are a lot of I's in that response.

[KBarletta]

I will never forgive myself for what I did to you and XXX(son) and our family. The pain is unbearable. Hopefully someday I will learn to live with it. I miss you and our life together."

 

I feel for you, chew. This is tough.

 

I can see the selfish feelings you pointed out in this note from your wife. I also think that you could change the word "son" to "daughter" here and my own wife could have written this exact same thing. It is heartbreaking to read when someone says they love you and miss you it's hard not to think of the "what ifs". Glad to hear you are staying strong - keep focusing on what is ahead for you and your son. I know it's going to be better than what's behind.

[Esraem]

I know I will most likely be seeing a message like this as well. I hope to handle it as strongly.

[chew123]

Guys,

 

If I had not spent some time on the chumplady site, my mind would be filled with what ifs and thoughts that maybe we could get back together.

After all she loves me and misses her life with me.

 

From spending time on that site I know it is cheaterspeak and is a pretty common language among those who cheat on their spouses. And all of her words mean nothing. It is actions that matter.

 

On to my new life.

[KBarletta]

Guys,

 

If I had not spent some time on the chumplady site, my mind would be filled with what ifs and thoughts that maybe we could get back together.

After all she loves me and misses her life with me.

 

From spending time on that site I know it is cheaterspeak and is a pretty common language among those who cheat on their spouses. And all of her words mean nothing. It is actions that matter.

 

On to my new life.

 

I would also say that if I heard my wife say "I love you and I miss our life together," I would say the same things about her. However, that doesn't change the facts that: A. I no longer trust her, B. I don't know if I'll ever trust her the same way again and C. Unless I do, I see no hope for us.

 

Good for you, chew. I am getting inspiration from how strong you have been through this - Yes - on to your new life!

[No Limit]

LOL. Let's see how long it will take after the house is gone for her to break down mentally if she already starts writing responses like this.

[Mr. Lucky]

From spending time on that site I know it is cheaterspeak and is a pretty common language among those who cheat on their spouses. And all of her words mean nothing. It is actions that matter.

 

Actually the words were written with a specific intent - to make her feel better.

Mission accomplished, she got it off her chest, now you can continue to take the high road and get on with your life.

 

Finish line in sight, no faltering!!!

 

Mr. Lucky

[chew123]

Mr L,

 

You are right. It really is all about her at this point. I really don't know what happened to the woman I spent so much of my life with.

 

The poor me and I am suffering with my pain is really self serving.

 

Don't worry, though I have to admit that even today I have in my mind the fantasy of what i though my old life was, I know it is gone and she is gone.

 

And in my head I know it is for the best, still waiting for my heart to catch up though.

[minimariah]

Its all about her pain. Selfish to the end in my opinion.

 

 

and this, my friend, is you healing - you finally see her CLEARLY.

 

one day at a time, you are doing fantastic. it's like waking up after a looooooomg dream and suddenly -- you're full of clarity and you accept that clarity as a fact of life. when you feel THAT, that exact feeling - you'll know you're over it.

[chew123]

Thanks everybody for your continued support. This forum is really a great place to get good advice and to unburden yourself.

 

We met the realtor last night. She is a friend of both of ours who we have known for over 30 years. My wife was already having a cocktail when I got there. She is drinking a lot more these days. Actually, I have upped my intake a bit also but cutting down on it for a while.

 

Wife was a bit snippy with the realtor but settled down. We are going to fix a few minor things(we made a list, her bf is going to fix some while I am away and I will do the rest). Then the house goes on the market right after.

 

All good, then the realtor leaves and we walk the house to see if there is anything we are going to fight over possession wise. That went well, neither one of us is attached to anything.

 

So we go out in the yard and sit down to talk for a few minutes. About son, schedules etc. She asks about my apartment, I gave her a few details. Next thing I know she starts sobbing to the point of hyperventilating. I ask her whats the matter and she tells me you know , the stuff I sent you in the email.

 

So she eventually calms down and she tells me she plans to move in with another divorced female friend of hers who will let her bring the dog. Not to be a snob, but this woman lives in a borderline neighborhood in a house that is falling down. Additionally she is an alcoholic who spends all of her free time at the local American legion.

 

She is really on a downward spiral. I really hope she finds better living accommodations for my sons sake when he visits her. But needless to say none of this is my problem. I know where I am headed.

 

I have to say it does make me a little crazy that she would give up so much in the pursuit of a risky relationship. Oh well, that is my venting for today. Its a beautiful day. off to the beach.