26 years married 32 years together over

[No Limit]

Watching someone I loved for so long totally f up her life is not really making me feel any better. I just can't believe she can be happy with the way things are turning out.

 

If you try to look at it through a scientific-social-psychologic-perspective, it's actually highly interesting. There are a lot of very complex psychological processes going on in your ex, but I'll try to simplify - a basic lesson actually: motives, what drives human behavior (at least in this case).

 

People are influenced by their own subjective view of the world, not the objective view. The two motives you should focus on are the desire to be content with yourself, and the desire to be content with your decisions/actions. But in situations like affairs these two motives aren't aligned anymore, and this is where human thinking kicks in: would a wayward spouse rather accept a less-good interpretation of him/herself? Your ex might feel sorry for hurting you, but she doesn't want to actually think of herself as an immoral person; she would have to admit that she's done grave mistakes and justify it with reasonings that are - at best - ridiculous, all kinds of things that go against the desire to feel content and good about yourself.

 

The conclusion is that the desire to feel good about the choices she makes are more important to her than the desire to be realistic, even if it has rather catastrophic aftereffects. Admitting your own mistakes is very difficult for many people, so they simply "distort" their view of the world so that it is better/more "flattering" for themselves. This gives her a better feeling and improves her self-esteem. This is also why you will rarely see a WS crying in a corner about what they've done. They're fine with it, from their point of view.

Edited June 25, 2015 by No Limit

[chew123]

No Limit,

 

So what you are saying is they adjust their point of view so they can convince themselves that they did nothing wrong. By believing things like the marriage was dead, I had to set you free for your own good so you could find someone to love etc., he is my soulmate , I deserve happiness.

I get that.

 

However, I think my ex is having trouble convincing herself.

I was out late last night and when I got home I had a text from her about house business. I foolishly responded to the house text and added the following.

 

"

I really like living where I am now. I know we are divorced and have both moved forward. And you moved away from me before I even knew so I assume you are happy with your choice. I have to admit though that after so many years together it is almost impossible to believe the way you ended it. As the house sale is almost complete we will soon be able to separate forever. Still can't believe we ended up here. Goodnight.

"

 

WW response

"

It breaks my heart what I have done. I can't believe it either. I'm glad you are happy at the beach. I'm not happy but hopefully someday I'll recover. What happened to having dinners with son? Be safe swimming at night.

"

 

I should not have texted her. And I obviously am not as far along as I thought if after a couple drinks I got the urge to talk to her. This whole business is really wacky. I am not happy. blah blah blah

 

Oh well, back on the straight and narrow. No one said this was going to be quick or easy but I am not happy when I behave like this.

 

On another note as I mentioned in another post I decided to back off my female friend and just hang alone or with my long term friends for a while. Done being needy and putting her in the friendzone as well since that is all I can deal with for now.(and all I can get) If I have learned anything from this its not to chase something that is not going to happen. So of course since I have backed off she has taken the initiative and has tried to make plans the last 3 days. Ahh well at least I am not alone unless I want to be.

[No Limit]

No Limit,

 

So what you are saying is they adjust their point of view so they can convince themselves that they did nothing wrong.

 

Exactly.

 

By believing things like the marriage was dead, I had to set you free for your own good so you could find someone to love etc., he is my soulmate , I deserve happiness.

I get that.

 

This takes it a little too far. It is unlikely she's thought this much about your needs, she was focused on her own gains. That's why certain things LS users write over and over again - like "your WS was selfish" are actually very true. Very simplified, but nonetheless true - even if we had real personality psychologists who could analyse a person it's very unlikely a BS could ever provide enough information about their situation, much less the WS. They're left in the dark, as you've experienced yourself.

 

However, I think my ex is having trouble convincing herself.

 

If she had she wouldn't have divorced you over the affair, she would be like all those other sneaky WSes and try to just hide it forever from you. I think her current instability is caused by the stress caused by the divorce - her entire social circle has been eradicated or is wary of her. But she's not yet had enough, as long as there are "rewards" for her (prospect of love) she will follow this trail. (...the chapter is continued in chapter 10 and 11 in my social psychology book, so who knows, maybe I can provide some more information later. Nonetheless, even if it isn't as nuanced as it should be - behaviorism has a lot of truth in it!)

 

And don't worry, it's just a little slip up. Just remind yourself that you shouldn't buy into what she writes or says, and you'll be fine.

[chew123]

Good stuff Nol,

 

i definitely agree on the selfish. Actually her selfishness was really ramping up as the problems began. I called it on her a few times as it seemed she was being even more selfish then usual.

 

And yeah she is convinced. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I keep hoping she will realize her mistake and try and comeback so I can tell her no. Kind of childish on my part. Ego talking.

 

Keep reading, I am interested in being further diagnosed after you are done with chapter 10 and 11.

 

I pretty much am back on ignore with her which works the best except for "family" dinner with son tonight. Interesting tidbit though, one of our mutual friends who I have been spending time with(whose wife thinks she can pull off Switzerland), received a phone message from her.

He needed to pic up an item from our house so she told him"Friend, I will not be home at this time so u can come pick it up. I am sorry that u have decided not to be my friend anymore and I know you are uncomfortable around me. "

 

What happened was about 6 months ago(early days) my wife called and asked if she could come over and hang out with him. They said sure come on over. Then she called back and told them she would be bringing her AP and they told her they were not yet ready for that. No contact since.

 

She really though our good friends of 25 years were going to accept the AP right off the bat. And since they did not they are no longer her friend. If she uses that as a litmus test she will lose the majority of them. Aside from the 3 or 4 who are with her now.

 

And for all of you who are just starting remember this , if your waw says they don't want you anymore, believe them. This is about the only truth that they tell.

[KBarletta]

I think somewhere in the back of my mind I keep hoping she will realize her mistake and try and comeback so I can tell her no. Kind of childish on my part. Ego talking.

 

Actually, from the sound of your text exchange the other day, I think she's already realized her mistake but also knows (based on your words and actions) what the response would be. I have myself had thoughts that my STBX would someday realize her error and try to come back, for the same reasons - it would help my bruised ego and battered psyche to know that some part of her still wants me. But then I think - why should I hope for *more* pain in what has already been the most painful situation of my life. Even if if would provide some relief from my own anguish, it's not worth it.

 

Hang in there, Chew. Sometimes it is one step forward, two steps back. Sometimes, if we're lucky, its two steps forward and one step back. But we have to keep going!

 

KTB

[chew123]

So now the fun begins. I got invited to a mutual friends daughter's wedding. Thet are really my wife's friends now but I am close to the daughter and the fiance, hence the reason I got the invite.

 

I spoke to her briefly , don't think she is bringing BF. As a matter of fact she said if I go that she probably will not because she does not belong at a wedding after what she has done. I am not bringing a date even though invite was plus 1.

 

My son and his gf are going so I am going Probably going to call the ex and ask her if she wants to be my date. Just kidding on the date part of course. I am pretty sure she is not looking forward to me bringing a date though. Since our son will be there we will be civil. And I will skip the booze for the night.

 

So what do you think, just go to the church and skip the reception. Or just do the whole thing like a pseudo family. I don't want to give the impression that I am ok with my wife's behavior, however I really am pretty far along with it and won't have a problem sitting with her at the wedding.

[No Limit]

because she does not belong at a wedding after what she has done.

 

So she does have a little bit of common sense left, good for her.

 

Probably going to call the ex and ask her if she wants to be my date. Just kidding on the date part of course. [...] ...however I really am pretty far along with it and won't have a problem sitting with her at the wedding.

 

Too early, way too early. Don't ask your ex to come along, just stick to your son and his GF instead. It's great that you are indifferent about your ex but with you around she most likely just start crying again or quote her "oh I'm so sorry"-cheater-textbook-lines because it just sends the wrong message. You should really consider your ex to be out of your life except for those dinners with your son and her.

[chew123]

Nol,

 

Looks like a moot point. Ex sent me an email. She is not going if I go. So balls in my court.

 

And actually she is showing a lot of sense lately. Good for her. She has a lot of work to do to catch up with my months of introspection and growth.

[A.Moscote]

Getting carried away over the small progress you've made so far, chew?

[minimariah]

Nol,

 

Looks like a moot point. Ex sent me an email. She is not going if I go. So balls in my court.

 

And actually she is showing a lot of sense lately. Good for her. She has a lot of work to do to catch up with my months of introspection and growth.

 

go to the wedding and bring a date.

 

because why the hell not.

[No Limit]

go to the wedding and bring a date.

 

But not your ex. The hottest escort available perhaps, but not your ex.

[minimariah]

But not your ex. The hottest escort available perhaps, but not your ex.

 

absolutely.

 

not ex, not even if his life depended on it.

 

but go to the wedding, OP. no need to isolate yourself, hang out with whoever and whenever you want. don't even think about your ex as a factor. who cares about what she'll do.

[Yasuandio]

All the "Chatty Kathy" email is perplexing. I would let the chips fall where they may. At some point, a "who cares" attitude needs to at least be projected, in my opinion - rather than this nice give-and-take feedback on who is going to what event with whom.

 

After her conduct - please. It is kinda gross to hear her reasoning for not attending the event with her boyfriend, then, subsequently, she declines to go to attend all together for whatever explanation. Sounds like high school drama queen.

 

She wanted a boyfriend, she wanted a divorce. So -- she has it. Now it is time to shut-up. Every time this nonsense is brought to the table, subconsciously, (or, even consciously), it is a thorn in your recovery. And her MO is completely self-serving, obviously.

 

Attend the event with class. Go with the family unit that you had planned to. No need for a date. There are plenty of other more appropriate occasions where you can have dates. Why have a date that will clearly cause discomfort? Classy people don't need to do stuff like that.

 

That's my take. (Although, admittedly, I'd love to see you rub a a lovely date under her nose at this wedding event, big time, in all honesty). Yas

[chew123]

Interesting group of comments.

 

A Moscate,

 

Hell yeah I am getting a little carried away. Been a crazy year filled with change and I am a completely different person then the one who was curled up in a ball 9 months ago.

 

Mini, Nol, Yas,

 

Good thoughts, but the one that wins is stay classy. Going sans date,

my son and gf will be there. No need to make anything tougher for him.

[aliveagain]

They are called ex's for a reason. Don't let her memory take up so much space in your present, she fired you and replaced you with another before you even knew about it, fu*k her. Do what makes you happy, take a date, don't take a date but do it because it's your choice and not a reaction to something she may or may not do. The sooner you loose her the happier you will be. She took up prime space in your life once but your divorce removed her permanently from that position. She's the home wreckers problem now. You won't meet the woman that's supposed to be in your life until you remove your ex from it and make yourself available.

[chew123]

AA,

 

Good points. Need to get back to LC/NC. Even if she does not bother me , still no reason to be around her or communicate any more than necessary.

 

I guess I need to remember the circumstances of our split. But since I have decided its for the best, maybe just a rationalization but I do really think I am better off, I admit I do slip into friend mode with her. And I don't want to go there. Co-parent yes, friends no.

[No Limit]

Co-parent yes, friends no.

 

This you have to remember. Don't be manipulated into becoming the safety net she hopes you will provide when her relationship with OM fails.

[dreamingoftigers]

So now the fun begins. I got invited to a mutual friends daughter's wedding. Thet are really my wife's friends now but I am close to the daughter and the fiance, hence the reason I got the invite.

 

I spoke to her briefly , don't think she is bringing BF. As a matter of fact she said if I go that she probably will not because she does not belong at a wedding after what she has done. I am not bringing a date even though invite was plus 1.

 

My son and his gf are going so I am going Probably going to call the ex and ask her if she wants to be my date. Just kidding on the date part of course. I am pretty sure she is not looking forward to me bringing a date though. Since our son will be there we will be civil. And I will skip the booze for the night.

 

So what do you think, just go to the church and skip the reception. Or just do the whole thing like a pseudo family. I don't want to give the impression that I am ok with my wife's behavior, however I really am pretty far along with it and won't have a problem sitting with her at the wedding.

 

She said to you that she "doesn't belong at a wedding after what she has done?"

 

What a barfy guilt-trip to try to pass onto you.

 

I think she wants to to forgive/accept/befriend and support her and her choice.

 

Has she always been this selfish?

[chew123]

DOT,

 

You know I think so. At least for the last 10 years or so. I just never noticed til I started looking back after the divorce. Although many other people have pointed it out to me lately.

 

Love was blind for me.

 

NOL,

 

Got it.

[kenmore]

Chew, I think you are doing well. Don't let it go to your head too much because you will have your days, but in general you are doing well and that's more that can be said about a lot of people (including me often.)

 

Good advice here, but you are wise to take your son's feelings into account as far as bringing a date. She may never know and has been pointed out, who cares? But he will have to watch it. He may be just fine with it, but the time to introduce a new woman into his life is not at an event like a wedding where he is captive and can't communicate with you much (or worse, tries to), but at a picnic or pool party. Someplace where there is not a main event going on. Besides, what will it get you? It's a lousy early date (she won't know anyone) and it's not like you two can start fooling around. If you want, arrange a date for just after.

 

Enjoy the wedding and enjoy the fact that you have friends. It's all good!

 

Ken

[chew123]

Ken,

 

Thanks, and you are right. I would never introduce my son to a new woman until I was sure she would be around for a while. And certainly not when he would be a "captive" audience. He does however know that i am not a monk and have some new female friends.

 

On a totally different topic I got slapped in the face with a little perspective. A very good friend of mine who is the same age as me was diagnosed with lung cancer and will probably die within a year. While I obsess over my divorce, dating, the betrayal etc, it really pales in comparison to the hardships that many others, including my friend are facing.

 

While he has no choice but to make the best of the short time he has left, I still (probably) have a significant number of years ahead of me. I will not waste them worrying and obsessing over the past or future. I know its cliche but we really need to live our life to the fullest with as much joy and gratitude as we can. You never know which day will be your last.

[Raena]

Chew, I spent most of last night reading your comments on this entire thread and I have to say that I'm impressed with how well you've handled this entire situation.

 

It sounds like you are well on your way to recovery and a new you. You've got a new lease on life... enjoy it.

 

I don't have too much advice for you and quite honestly, doesn't sound like you really need it. The only thing I will say is that these spits and sputters of friendship/contact with her will settle down at some point. Right now it's still weird because you have 30+ years of mutual friends and family. You'll continue to have these uncomfortable choices about whose wedding to go to, or which friends to still hang out with for quite awhile I imagine. Eventually it won't be such a big deal and you will both be able to be around each other without issue. This will be especially true when your son decides to marry and have children. His wedding, birthday parties for your future grandchildren... etc. I think it's good that you can be around her now without much hassle because that will only help you all in the future.

[KBarletta]

Chew, I am sorry about your friend. That is awful. I helped a friend as he was going through the end stages of lung cancer about five years ago, and it's incredibly hard. I wish you luck.

 

But the perspective you speak of is very true, and important to remember at times like this. All of us in this forum are experiencing losses, and huge ones. But they still don't compare to some others who face the prospect of losing *everything*. That is good to keep in mind when things seem overwhelming.

[No Limit]

So sorry for your friend. Wishing him lots of strength and health, I hope he won't let these news get him down too much (although the initial shock is a normal reaction).

[ralfgarnett]

Hello Mr Chew I am so happy for you that you are making such progress I am struggling quite badly at the moment having reached 12 months apart, but you inspire me, also, sorry to hear about your friend, I lost a much loved uncle to lung cancer some years ago now and to see him fade away was truly heart breaking for all of us as a family, I loved him very much and his passing was truly hard to deal with for both me and my WW, I wish your friend well and I sincerely hope that he suffers as little as possible, your a nice bloke make the most of your time left with him.