26 years married 32 years together over

[chew123]

Tasha,

 

I agree with you on the healing. I really need to be without romance for a while. New friends are cool but I am really not interested in dating.

 

No real updates, house sale and son going to college next week. Then Ex and I will be able to be close to NC. Not that I care anymore. She really does not affect me much one way or the other.

 

Been doing a lot of reading and chilling by myself over the last couple weeks. Really beginning to enjoy a lot of alone time. This is a good thing since I thought I would not.

 

I am at approx the 11 month mark since DDAY. I have really learned a lot about my strengths and weaknesses. I am enjoying the strengths and facing the weaknesses and happy with the balance.

 

I think I have finally begun to accept that things will be what they will be and to stop struggling for different outcomes. Whether with my ex or my new female friends. I am learning to take whatever comes and roll with it.

 

In the past I was too focused on the outcome and did not enjoy the journey. Getting closer to enjoying the ride regardless of the outcome.

 

Time really does help with the healing. I really am enjoying my life again.

Rambling a bit but feeling pretty good these days. Good luck to everyone else on this "journey" , I never thought I would feel good again and I do, we will all get there.

[chew123]

Did the final clean out of the house over the last week. Lots of contact with the ex and former inlaws. Got a look at a picture of the other man. Big downgrade in all observable areas. Appearance, finance, employment, and from what my inlaws tell me personality and integrity as well. They still won't let him in to the family. I am sure they will if he lasts.

 

Ex rented the identical house on the block. She moved all the furniture into the same rooms. Most of the rooms were even painted the same color. I was humming the twilight zone theme all day. Note that I did not help her move her stuff but I did help my son with a few items.

 

She looked like hell. Very stressed, first time taking care of herself, working full time etc.

 

Was a little nostalgic so I made a bit of a mistake. I engaged the ex on a personal level. I sat her down told her this is goodbye, I hope you are happy with your choices. Got the usual, if she could turn back the clock to before she met him she would. She is very sorry for how she hurt me blah, blah, blah. She told me she has made her choice and she is going to see it through , although she is not confident it is the right one.

 

I told her we are divorced now and its over. This was all your choice and doing, I never wanted any of this. And this is where I made the mistake. I told her if she would dump the bf now, I would consider dating her casually to see if there was anything left. She said no she is going to stick with her choice. I was actually happy with that and felt I got the closure I was looking for. Weak of me but all good.

 

Got email from her first thing in the morning. My head is spinning after what you said to me last night. She is thinking it over. All i offered was the possibility of casual dating IF she dumped the guy to see if we had anything left. Really wish I had not done that. I am enjoying living alone and meeting new people. I don't want to go back.

 

I suspect this will blow over and I won't here from her again. But I guess this shows I am really not over her yet. Damn, really thought I was.

 

Funny, I have always posted everything about my situation here honestly. I considered not putting this up because I am a little embarrassed by my actions.

 

Blunt criticism of my behavior is expected and welcomed.

[CarrieT]

Blunt criticism of my behavior is expected and welcomed.

You are allowed to have your moment of weakness.

 

There have been people who have gotten back together after a divorce and - as you said - casually dating (NO SEX!) whilst also dating other people.

 

The key point is that you don't know who you ExW has become the whole point of casual dating is to get to know someone - not rehash old issues. It would be to see if there is anything there to build a future on.

 

If you are happy where you are now and people you are dating, it is entirely within your rights to state that you don't see anything in the future and move on.

[understand50]

Did the final clean out of the house over the last week. Lots of contact with the ex and former inlaws. Got a look at a picture of the other man. Big downgrade in all observable areas. Appearance, finance, employment, and from what my inlaws tell me personality and integrity as well. They still won't let him in to the family. I am sure they will if he lasts.

 

Ex rented the identical house on the block. She moved all the furniture into the same rooms. Most of the rooms were even painted the same color. I was humming the twilight zone theme all day. Note that I did not help her move her stuff but I did help my son with a few items.

 

She looked like hell. Very stressed, first time taking care of herself, working full time etc.

 

Was a little nostalgic so I made a bit of a mistake. I engaged the ex on a personal level. I sat her down told her this is goodbye, I hope you are happy with your choices. Got the usual, if she could turn back the clock to before she met him she would. She is very sorry for how she hurt me blah, blah, blah. She told me she has made her choice and she is going to see it through , although she is not confident it is the right one.

 

I told her we are divorced now and its over. This was all your choice and doing, I never wanted any of this. And this is where I made the mistake. I told her if she would dump the bf now, I would consider dating her casually to see if there was anything left. She said no she is going to stick with her choice. I was actually happy with that and felt I got the closure I was looking for. Weak of me but all good.

 

Got email from her first thing in the morning. My head is spinning after what you said to me last night. She is thinking it over. All i offered was the possibility of casual dating IF she dumped the guy to see if we had anything left. Really wish I had not done that. I am enjoying living alone and meeting new people. I don't want to go back.

 

I suspect this will blow over and I won't here from her again. But I guess this shows I am really not over her yet. Damn, really thought I was.

 

Funny, I have always posted everything about my situation here honestly. I considered not putting this up because I am a little embarrassed by my actions.

 

Blunt criticism of my behavior is expected and welcomed.

 

Do not beat yourself up.

 

You are human.

 

Good luck.

[KBarletta]

Hang in there, Chew. And remember - just because you said it in a moment of weakness doesn't mean it has to be on the table as an offer of reconciliation for time immemorial. You can change you mind, as clearly she has done more than a few times throughout your ordeal.

 

There is nothing preventing you from saying something like this: "What I said last night I said in a moment of weakness. In the light of a new day, I realize it was a mistake. We are divorced now. This was not something I ever wanted for us, but I honestly believe it is best if we go our separate ways."

[Mr. Lucky]

Blunt criticism of my behavior is expected and welcomed.

 

You are an idiot!!!

 

j/k

 

Divorce is chaos and craziness made real. If that's the extent of your backsliding, you're doing well...

 

Mr. Lucky

[qubist]

Chew123, I just spent almost 2 hours reading this thread from your first post. you have handles the situation wisely from day 1.

what is happening to your wife is very typical we have seen it many many times just some different circumstances. while I was reading I knew that you were never over her and wondered if your IC therapist had mention anything about your self confidence of living without her. this is something that you should address. You ex is a mess and I really feel bad for her too, it is a combination of many factors that put her like many other cheating wives to revolt against her own life but still wants to hold on to it. many of them try to move on with OM but if they are allowed they would do what they can to keep the current life going on. in your case you didn't give her a chance and just expedited the D and separation process, that's what explain her curiosity about your new life, dates and apartment. that what she thought you were mean when you decided to sell the house. what you did by your latest comment is opening that door back to her to keep yuo around.

I don't know what you should do and what would be best for you, but I know for sure that you should never allow her to maintain both lives.

I would just respond to her text saying something like" never mind you are already taken and you are not an option for me anymore and could never be an option B on the shelve"

[chew123]

Thanks for the comments. Not really to big of a deal I think. I don't expect anything will come of it.

 

Gubist,

 

You are spot on as far as my initial fear of living alone or without her. this was a major issue for me early on, however it has been fading as time goes by. It is certainly not gone yet, but I have learned to enjoy my life without her. You may be right but I don't think that is the reason I extended the short term "plan b" to her. I will discuss with my IC next week though.

 

The offer I was giving her was a bit different then the standard plan B. We are already divorced, finances separated and theoretically both living alone. I have grown quite a bit during this period. The offer was to spend some time together if she was single and living alone, go on a date and see if there is anything left.

 

I am not pining away hoping for the offer to be accepted. As a matter of fact after today I plan to go back to NC except for matters relating to my son.

 

35 years together is a long time. I will not be over her for awhile. that being said, I am not sitting around waiting to see if she ever wants to come back. For some reason I felt the need to extend the chance to her.

 

Back to my new life. I am having guests the next 5 days and will have no time to think about this for a while.

[SpokenFor]

I really don't think you should bash yourself here -- this is a woman you know you get along with, can have fun with, etc. Causal dating, like others have said, is about finding out if there is a fit. Cheating in a dating situation means dating when you are committed to someone else.

 

So, you didn't tell her you want to reconcile, just said that if she wasn't cheating on someone else she was someone you'd consider dating.

 

The divorce leveled the playing field. She is left with someone she probably recognizes is inferior to you in every way that matters. You are left with a wide-open choice of any available woman you meet. You could find happiness with a number of them and will probably choose one to commit to down the road. She would be taking her chances to try to be a better fit than everyone else, and would be starting with a huge disadvantage.

 

So, why the hell not give it a dinner date or two to see if she has what it takes to attract you? What's the downside? You got the divorce!

[qubist]

You are spot on as far as my initial fear of living alone or without her. this was a major issue for me early on, however it has been fading as time goes by. It is certainly not gone yet, but I have learned to enjoy my life without her. You may be right but I don't think that is the reason I extended the short term "plan b" to her. I will discuss with my IC next week though.

never underestimate what could be going on unconsciously at back of your mind. it is OK to do whatever you want to do with her as long as it is not because of any fears, discuss it with your therapist

The offer I was giving her was a bit different then the standard plan B. We are already divorced, finances separated and theoretically both living alone. I have grown quite a bit during this period. The offer was to spend some time together if she was single and living alone, go on a date and see if there is anything left.

I understand and I don't see anything bad about it. i was just looking at it from her perspective. do her a great favor. made it clear that you are not her plan B, she might not be at a position to control her acts if she feels you are there on the shelve waiting she would go on in her fantasy, , continue with NC ask her to leave you alone if she is still with him.

I am not pining away hoping for the offer to be accepted. As a matter of fact after today I plan to go back to NC except for matters relating to my son.

 

35 years together is a long time. I will not be over her for awhile. that being said, I am not sitting around waiting to see if she ever wants to come back. For some reason I felt the need to extend the chance to her.

the only thing that should matter is your happiness, the only person in the world that can guarantee it for you is YOU, you can find it with our without her, I always suggest that we should keep all options open even the ones that challenges our ego. in your case do not disregard any option including her back together. just understand that can't just happen like that it would demand a lot of work from both of you starting with her waking up from her fantasies

[m.snow]

you are limiting your options,

1.)get back with wife

2.)live happily alone

 

chew again as i said you need to find another woman, there is plenty out there.

be it a fling or casual.

 

ask yourself when was the last time you had sex?

[chew123]

M Snow,

 

You are consistent in your views on how to move forward. I appreciate that. I have had sex since my wife left me. For me sex without attachment is hollow. Maybe I am different from other men but that is the way I am.

 

I am not a player by any means but I have no trouble finding women who are interested in dating. But the fact of the matter is that I still need time to figure out what I want out of the rest of my life and to process my divorce. I am sure that for some having casual sex will help. Not so much for me.

[qubist]

M Snow,

 

You are consistent in your views on how to move forward. I appreciate that. I have had sex since my wife left me. For me sex without attachment is hollow. Maybe I am different from other men but that is the way I am.

 

I am not a player by any means but I have no trouble finding women who are interested in dating. But the fact of the matter is that I still need time to figure out what I want out of the rest of my life and to process my divorce. I am sure that for some having casual sex will help. Not so much for me.

 

nothing wrong with that. but what M. Snow is referring to is the option of having another woman that would give that attachment you need not just sex. keep all options open. you can go back to your ex but don't do t because you feel that's the only thing you can do. i guess as of right now as your Divorce is almost complete, you will have all the time to focus on yourself

good luck

[chew123]

Gubist,

 

Divorce was final in March.. House gone now so that was the last financial tie.

 

I would never go back to my wife out of fear of being alone. As a matter of fact, had some contact with her last night, pretty sure there is not much left. I found her behavior annoying.

 

I believe I am more attached to my current female companion then I am her at this point.

[qubist]

Gubist,

 

Divorce was final in March.. House gone now so that was the last financial tie.

 

I would never go back to my wife out of fear of being alone. As a matter of fact, had some contact with her last night, pretty sure there is not much left. I found her behavior annoying.

 

I believe I am more attached to my current female companion then I am her at this point.

Sorry i meant the house sale not divorce. good luck with your new adventure.

Your really needed help, but not at your expense. at least you know that you have tried your best. the best thing you can do for her now is to move on with your life so she would too. I've seen similar stories where the wife can't really move on until they slapped in the face.

[KBarletta]

M Snow,

 

You are consistent in your views on how to move forward. I appreciate that. I have had sex since my wife left me. For me sex without attachment is hollow. Maybe I am different from other men but that is the way I am.

 

I am not a player by any means but I have no trouble finding women who are interested in dating. But the fact of the matter is that I still need time to figure out what I want out of the rest of my life and to process my divorce. I am sure that for some having casual sex will help. Not so much for me.

 

I can relate to this. I have not had sex since my wife left. Honestly, it would be nice to share my bed with someone, but I agree with you chew that it would feel hollow. Even the idea of it makes me feel cold at this point. I am sure that feeling won't last forever, but for now, I am happy with my life being about me, my daughter, my family and friends, my work and that's about it. When I am ready for more, I'll know. Now is not that time.

[macmillerpwnz]

I don't understand how someone can grieve for so long. I say get out there and date, eventually you will find someone you really like and those feelings you had with your ex will go away.

[qubist]

I don't understand how someone can grieve for so long. I say get out there and date, eventually you will find someone you really like and those feelings you had with your ex will go away.

everyone is different, if we realize that our happiness depend only on us all these wouldn't be a issue at all. but allow ourselves to depend on circumstances. so I can't blame him for holding the grudge,

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't understand how someone can grieve for so long. I say get out there and date, eventually you will find someone you really like and those feelings you had with your ex will go away.

 

It's only been a few months since the OP's divorce from a 26-year marriage. If you can't understand why he's still affected, I'd guess you've never been through the process...

 

Mr. Lucky

[macmillerpwnz]

It's only been a few months since the OP's divorce from a 26-year marriage. If you can't understand why he's still affected, I'd guess you've never been through the process...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I wasn't in a 26 year marriage but a 7 year marriage and together for 10 years. I guess everyone's situation is different but what helped me was to find someone else I really liked. I was cheated on and my wife left me for the guy she cheated on me with.

[RightThere]

I wasn't in a 26 year marriage but a 7 year marriage and together for 10 years. I guess everyone's situation is different but what helped me was to find someone else I really liked. I was cheated on and my wife left me for the guy she cheated on me with.

 

Mine is almost identical. Although I was totally over my ex before I started getting out there on dates, I will say it is so eye opening to understand that there are plenty of other good people out there.

 

Having an ex cheat and THEN move out with the scumbag is a tough pill to swallow and I'll admit I'm still damaged from it. But meeting someone else who has been through something similar helped create an almost instant connection. Everything else seems to be an added bonus.

[chew123]

MAcmiller, Right there,

 

Its more about figuring out who I am and what I want to do with the rest of my life. I was with my ex for a total of 35 years. Significantly longer then a 10 year relationship. We grew up together and were inseparable for many many years.

 

I have been on dates, and as I mentioned I have had sex since my divorce. I know that there are many good single women out there looking to date a decent single man. I am just at a point where I am not really looking to date.

 

I have my finances in order, my son is doing well with college and his life, I have my health and a good job. Most parts of my life are going well and I am grateful for that.

 

At this point in my life I want to go it alone for a while. This does not mean sitting home doing nothing. This means I go out with friends both male and female and have a relatively active social life. I spent so much time as a couple I lost track of parts of who I am. I have been given a golden opportunity to discover who I really am and what I want to do for the rest of my life. I choose not to complicate it with another

person right now.

 

I suspect that the 2 of you are probably younger and at a different point in your life. I understand the need for you to find a partner to relate to , maybe have children with, cohabitate with. I have been there and done that for significantly more then half my life. Time to go it alone for a while.

[Marc878]

I wish you nothing but the best.

 

It'll never go completely away but it will fade as everything else in life does.

[TashaTudor]

I agree with you on quite a few points Chew.

 

After a long marriage, going solo can really be a refreshing relief. Sometimes, well meaning people, think you should get back out there and show the cheater that you can also find someone else. But to me, that doesn't help your own personal growth. It just involves other people and delays important work that you have to do on yourself by yourself.

 

Being on your own for a while doesn't mean you are gonna climb the walls due to loneliness.

 

Time for yourself is just that. You sound like you have come to a place where you are seeking peace and putting you first without all the complications.

[SycamoreCircle]

I would tell your son ASAP. Just my opinion. I'm very close to my mother and while I was in college she had a heart attack. Nothing was disclosed to me until after she was out of the hospital.

 

I argue that by keeping it from your son, you effectively express "you're not adult enough to handle this" and it's insulting, especially to a developing adult. It also causes the person you're keeping the news from to feel guilty about all of the ease and carefree time they had during the trial.

 

Respect him enough to tell him immediately.