m.snow Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 chew, whens that vacation with your son to the bahamas? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Tasha, thanks. Sycamore, My son has known since Christmas. There was no need to tell him til he got his first semester under his belt. I don't regret delaying telling him although it did provide my wife with more time to enjoy the affair before the storm from her friends and family hit her. M. Snow, The BVI trip was in March. It went very well. All in all my son is fine. And I am pretty good also. Actually I think the hardest thing for him was the sale of the house since its the only one he ever lived in. But he handled it all, he is a pretty well adjusted young adult. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I don't understand how someone can grieve for so long. I say get out there and date, eventually you will find someone you really like and those feelings you had with your ex will go away. For me, it's not that I am "grieving" but I do know that I have no interest in dating. I am fine spending time with friends, both male and female, spending time with my daughter and my family, spending time alone. I just have no interest in dating, and I don't think it would be fair to anyone I dated to go into something half-hearted just for the sake of getting over my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 At this point in my life I want to go it alone for a while. This does not mean sitting home doing nothing. This means I go out with friends both male and female and have a relatively active social life. I spent so much time as a couple I lost track of parts of who I am. I have been given a golden opportunity to discover who I really am and what I want to do for the rest of my life. I choose not to complicate it with another person right now. Chew - I totally get this and feel the same way - couldn't have expressed it any better. Link to post Share on other sites
nonnie69 Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Hi Chew I've been reading your thread now for about 2 hours and I'm glued. I'm going through the same thing with my STBX. I found out he was having an affair 7/30/14 and I thought we could work it out. After 30 years together and 25 years of marriage, he called and told me he wasn't coming home. So, I totally understand all of the emotions you have described. Our divorce isn't filed, I was a stay at home mom who quit her part time job because he asked me to so i could be with him more. So now I'm job hunting and getting my life in order. I'm so sorry for all of your heartache and just wanted to tell you, I understand..completely. It's sad and frustrating and empowering all at the same time. Dating and the thoughts of it are terrifying. I haven't dated since I was 16...lol and really is that dating? Nope. I just want to wish you the best of luck with everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 nonnie69, Thanks for the support. I am sorry you are going through this as well. I am coming up on the 1 year anniversary of DDAY. Things have gotten pretty good, however I am still not really dating, just spending time with friends. All other aspects of my life are pretty good. I was lucky enough to get out in reasonably good financial condition and still have a good job so at last I don't have that to deal with. The whole thing is really starting to fade into the background. It is still on my mind way to often but it is a dull memory rather then a vivid one and it drifts away fairly quickly. Good luck on your journey. It really is life changing and can be quite liberating once you get a handle on it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 Hi Chew I've been reading your thread now for about 2 hours and I'm glued. I'm going through the same thing with my STBX. I found out he was having an affair 7/30/14 and I thought we could work it out. After 30 years together and 25 years of marriage, he called and told me he wasn't coming home. So, I totally understand all of the emotions you have described. Our divorce isn't filed, I was a stay at home mom who quit her part time job because he asked me to so i could be with him more. So now I'm job hunting and getting my life in order. I'm so sorry for all of your heartache and just wanted to tell you, I understand..completely. It's sad and frustrating and empowering all at the same time. Dating and the thoughts of it are terrifying. I haven't dated since I was 16...lol and really is that dating? Nope. I just want to wish you the best of luck with everything. you'll make it! i wish you more power and great success. Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 chew these days are when you should have those midlife crisis moments! be with younger people chew, you'll feel younger. if you have time may be you could take classes on arts & cooking. might even meet more people. continue find ways to enjoy your life! good luck man! Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 nonnie69, Thanks for the support. I am sorry you are going through this as well. I am coming up on the 1 year anniversary of DDAY. Things have gotten pretty good, however I am still not really dating, just spending time with friends. All other aspects of my life are pretty good. I was lucky enough to get out in reasonably good financial condition and still have a good job so at last I don't have that to deal with. The whole thing is really starting to fade into the background. It is still on my mind way to often but it is a dull memory rather then a vivid one and it drifts away fairly quickly. Good luck on your journey. It really is life changing and can be quite liberating once you get a handle on it. Chew, can I ask you how you got there? I'm coming up to 2 years and still spinning. IC and family doctor shrug their shoulders and say to me "what do you want me to do" in order to get pulled out of this abyss. God! I've read books, kept so busy I don't have time to think, exercise, tried dating (blah!) and still no progress. This is killing my soul. Any advice would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Chew I think your thread (journal) has been great for a good many posters. Thanks for sharing all sides of your life with us. Your honesty and candor are a great example to those seeking answers or at least guidance to their similar issues they are experiencing as well. And on a personal note your EX is just nuts. Sad but true. A very selfish nut. Never go back there. You deserve so much more my friend. And I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping mild contact with your ex's family. I think they miss you more than her..... HM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted September 16, 2015 Author Share Posted September 16, 2015 M Snow, I always try to hang with people of all ages but do have a lot of younger friends. And good idea on the new activities, thinking of scuba certification or going back to martial arts training for the winter. Thanks for the kind words happyman. MAjorM, The thing that has probably helped me most is spending a lot of times with supportive friends, family and especially my son. In the beginning we all talked about it a lot which helped, but now we hardly mention it. And interesting enough spending time with the ex has also helped. Although I admit to weakening a little during the house sale, most of the time I see her I realize I am lucky to get away from her. She is just not that good of a person. Yes she is attractive and sometimes fun, but really has no substance or genuine compassion. I really am better off without her. One other thing that really helped was getting my own place in a resort town. Always a lot going on and a lot of people to meet. And far enough from my marital home that there are no triggers. It really is a fresh start for me. All that being said, I still have a long way to go to being totally recovered. Gotta just keep plugging along. We will all get there sooner or later. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Share Posted September 17, 2015 Went to a wedding this weekend for a former friends daughter. They are the ones who are my wife's main support system, accepting the AP immediately, renting her a place to live , etc. Still they want to be my friend also , I basically told them nicely that its really not healthy for me but I hold no ill will toward them. i doubt they get it. Husband cheats with prostitutes and others. I suspect wife has no idea. I would not have gone except the groom who I have known since he was 15 made a personal plea for me to attend despite what has happened. So I went with my son, one of my best friends and of course the ex but we did not sit together. I had a really good time dancing , drinking etc with people I have not seen since the breakup. Many of them wanted to talk to me about it and in most cases I said no, its over , and the details no longer matter. However I did sit down with one of my younger friends who has had to deal with the ex and her bf. He is a very mild mannered young man and did not want to talk negatively about them but positively about me. Who could resist? lol He is rather spirtual and told me how good I looked and how I portrayed a healthy positive aura and spirit and he could tell that I was doing ok. He told me how he always enjoyed my company. I thanked him and told him I was good. It really did boost my mood. I could not help studying the wife a bit. She did not bring bf because I was there I assume. So she spent a lot of time texting him. I could not help but notice how shallow she seemed and how she put on her fake work smile when she talked to everyone. Like she is wearing a mask. It really left me feeling I was lucky to get out. One other interesting thing is that a mutual female friend who is really more hers than mine kept saying to me whenever I met her on the dance floor that I should never even consider taking her back and that she suspected I was going to get the offer in the future. She wanted to tell me something that she knew but I did not. I told her I was not interested and I was pretty sure I would never weaken and take her back. But she piqued my curiosity. I have never really snooped to see what secrets my wife was hiding. Did not matter because she was leaving for him anyway so what was the difference. So my curiosity has gotten the better of me and I am meeting her for drinks tomorrow. Could be nothing, but I really am too curious to let it go. If she does not get cold feet I will find out tomorrow. Oh boy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Probably gossip about how your ex's guy is actually a runt. What is even more sad though is that your ex believes that this woman is "on her side", yet she will give you information your ex probably wanted to keep from you. She's really all alone now. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 Way to go chew. It sounds like you are doing so well. Of course I keep following your story because it parallels mine in timing and circumstances a bit. So many pieces are similar, and I am rooting for you partly because you are an example of where I can be in the near future (I hope). We've never met, and even I am curious about what this news will be. I can't imagine how curious you must be. Hopefully it is not something that triggers emotions and sets you back in your recovery. I wish you luck, buddy. KTB Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 So my curiosity has gotten the better of me and I am meeting her for drinks tomorrow. Could be nothing, but I really am too curious to let it go. If she does not get cold feet I will find out tomorrow. Oh boy. Feels like a step backwards. That's your old life, seems like you're making good progress with the new one. I always ask myself "what would I do with the information?"... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 Chew....been following you from the beginning.....may I say, WELL PLAYED!!! Independent, confident, disengaged from XW and for what it's worth, likely had the BF nervous as to XW's behavior. LOL. Good to spend time with your son and to honor the groom. Nice validation coming from the young man in how you are handling yourself. I too would be curious as to what the deep dark secret was..... Stay on track and all the best to you and your fun filled life adventures ahead!! Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 Chew, I find it odd that he OM didn't attend. Hmmmmm Anyway, gossip is always good! Especially if it's karma:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
TashaTudor Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Oooo! Do tell. Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 you should have brought a date! that will send a statement! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 So I did not have a chance to meet my friend last week. We moved the plans to the end of this week. I will keep everyone posted and thanks for the interest. All of the posts on this forum really do help me on my journey. Mr Lucky, you make a good point. Not much to do with the additional information. However, i still want to know what it is. M Snow, considered bringing a date but decided to spend the time with my son since he was only home for 2 days. KB , you will get there. And I always sound better on here then in real life. I have a good ways to go myself. Nol, it may be. I have heard enough of that type of gossip already. If I were to guess, I suspect the information is related to either duration of the affair or that there were others I don't know about. Neither of which is earth shattering at this point. thanks again everybody 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 Chew I would want to know too. But in the end it will not change anything and you are confident because you already know this. Glad you went to the wedding as a family. It shows others who you truly are without much effort on your part. And it is good that you see your Ex for who she really is. The term I would use is "Broken". Glad you are getting back to being "whole". HM Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Chew Sometimes it's not evident up front who the real winner is. In your case it seems like the OM got the prize. Did he? Maybe you'll end up as the real winner in this fiasco. Maybe he took a burden off you and neither of you know yet. Time will tell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted September 27, 2015 Author Share Posted September 27, 2015 Marc, Actually I don't think there are any "winners" in this situation. A long time relationship that at least started out with love and had a pretty good run has been destroyed in a rather brutal fashion. The ex and the OM are trying to build a life together that started out with lies and deceit. Even if they stay together will the trust ever be there? I doubt it. He has already proven to be jealous of the times when she is with me for one reason or another and is concerned when she goes out with her girlfriends. The ex is the heaviest she has ever been and is unhappy working full time, losing the home she loved etc. Really does not seem like a big win. I am doing pretty well but I would definitely not call me a winner either. So like I said no real winners. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 Marc, Actually I don't think there are any "winners" in this situation. A long time relationship that at least started out with love and had a pretty good run has been destroyed in a rather brutal fashion. The ex and the OM are trying to build a life together that started out with lies and deceit. Even if they stay together will the trust ever be there? I doubt it. He has already proven to be jealous of the times when she is with me for one reason or another and is concerned when she goes out with her girlfriends. The ex is the heaviest she has ever been and is unhappy working full time, losing the home she loved etc. Really does not seem like a big win. I am doing pretty well but I would definitely not call me a winner either. So like I said no real winners. Chew, You never know what's around that corner. I hope you get a wonderful surprise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 And interesting enough spending time with the ex has also helped. Although I admit to weakening a little during the house sale, most of the time I see her I realize I am lucky to get away from her. She is just not that good of a person. Yes she is attractive and sometimes fun, but really has no substance or genuine compassion. I could not help but notice how shallow she seemed and how she put on her fake work smile when she talked to everyone. Like she is wearing a mask. It really left me feeling I was lucky to get out. I'm curious about these statements. You were married for 26 years. Did you never notice these things before? Link to post Share on other sites
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