26 years married 32 years together over

[chew123]

1966 charger,

 

I get your point. And your answers are relevant to the question I was asking.

 

Carrie T.,

 

I think you may be right. I have googled quite a bit about women who say they don't want a relationship right now. The answer is right up there with the ILUBNILWU meaning your wive is having an affair. It very often means the woman is not attracted to you and just wants to be friends and u have no chance.

 

What is a little different in this case is that I am fresh off a divorce and not the best "catch" right now. Also she just moved here after a tumultuous situation herself and that is the reason she gives for not wanting a relationship. However I may be fooling myself.

 

Thanks everybody for your different perspectives. My gut tells me I have a new friend but my heart tells me that she just needs time to get her act together also. Gut is usually right.

[66Charger]

Start dating other women. If she wants to be your friend, you can spend time with her and be open and honest about your dating experiences.

 

If she start to get jealous, it will tell you if there is anything there to build on. If not, then distance yourself from her as she will only ever be a friend and you may need more than that now.

 

Even if I dont agree with Carrie t approach, the conversation is turning. From the X to the new woman.

 

Just take her out dancing, already. Skip all the long talks and have some fun.

 

Waiting for the world to change

[66Charger]

What is a little different in this case is that I am fresh off a divorce and not the best "catch" right now. Also she just moved here after a tumultuous situation herself and that is the reason she gives for not wanting a relationship.

 

Thanks everybody for your different perspectives. My gut tells me I have a new friend but my heart tells me that she just needs time to get her act together also. Gut is usually right.

 

You do have the power to change this. Maybe not today, but today is a good day to start. Stop being DAMAGED GOODS.

Stop being crutches for each other. No more talking about exs

Start taking her on proper dates. Look sharp. Pick her up, open her car door.

No need to tell her you are wooing her, keep it casual and just do it

Change your appearance. Be patient, be fun

 

Dont play games with other people, havent both of you had enough of that?

 

What do you have to lose?

[chew123]

66,

 

We rarely if ever talk about our exes. That's what this site and therapists are for. I follow proper dating etiquette, surprise her often and maybe help her out a little too much.. We go out dancing on a regular basis.

 

She knows I am attempting to woo her. It is pretty obvious.

 

Neither one of us is damaged goods. Nor do we think of ourselves as that. We are just at difficult points in our lives.

 

As far as playing games goes, I am open and honest with her. I guess you get that from the try and make her jealous comment? Would not do that on purpose however if we stay status quo for an extended period of time I will probably begin dating others as a matter of course.

 

The whole point of this line of inquiry was to try and figure out the meaning of not ready for a relationship and wants to stay friends first. I though it understandable given the situation but wanted to know if it really meant no attraction and just friends forever.

 

Some of u think that and some don't. The chips will fall where they do. Friend or gf, we will see.

 

 

As always, thanks for taking the time to comment.

[kenmore]

My 2 cents is she will never want to move on and while just getting another GF now is extreme, you should start looking around. Be ready for that day when you realize you're on a dead end road.

 

Yeah, I'm getting a little cynical.

[chew123]

kenmore,

 

I actually don't think you are being too cynical, just realistic. Odds are I will get nowhere in the romantic department with her.

 

She actually just took me out to dinner tonight. We had a nice time. I think I will just be friends with her and try to put the romantic notions out of my head. Then if something happens it will be a pleasant surprise. It's not like I am in love with her or anything, but I do desire her.

 

I am glad I let her know how I feel though. And like I always say, or have said since DDAY, if you don't want me, then I really don't want you. I will find someone when the time is right.

[2.50 a gallon]

Chew

 

 

Somehow yesterday's post got cut off.

The lady I fell unexpectedly in love with, was only interested in me because I was short and skinny and therefore would not crush her. She liked her men tall and muscular. I was only a temporary FWB.

But as we got to know each other better, we found we had much in common, and she thought that I was funny, and we had great sex. Though we never had the exclusive talk, she knew if she stepped out of line, I would also. She also, kept telling me that she was still in love with her former live in BF, and he would be coming back.

The first Valentine's Day she was upset when I bought her a box of candy. And again reminded me that he was coming back.

When he came back, she let me know she was going to talk to him. And hour later, she was back, and she had told him they were finished.

About another year later, and it dawned on me we had began to exchange ILY's. Once started they haven't stopped and it has now been almost 20 years.

All it took was patience, and not pushing.

[chew123]

2.50,

 

That is a nice story. i am happy for you. I am chillin out about the whole thing. What will be will be with my friend. She has already really helped me by being a good companion and someone to go out with etc. And I really helped her quite a bit as well.

 

Not gonna push, just gonna be myself. The right woman will come along for me when the time is right.

 

Its funny, I obsess over things like this for a few days then move on to the next "issue". Seems my mind always likes to have some sort of problem or situation to mull over. Gotta work on that.

[Esraem]

Chew -

 

Im pretty much in the same place. I find it a little hard to know how to act as I want to take it slow as well. I am still working towards DDay and due to her beliefs, she cant be in a relationship with a technically married guy. I respect her for that and agree. We talk everyday and just hanging out has helped me immensely through this process. I am also worried this may friendzone me, but even if it does so what. I will be even more ready.

[chew123]

Esraem,

 

Good attitude. If nothing else we have spent time(quite a bit) with a new woman and it has better prepared us for our new lives. No downside.

[chew123]

I took yesterday off from work and kind of went no contact with the world. Wrote a bit in my journal, spent a lot of time thinking about my life. I came to a couple conclusions.

 

1. I have been rushing to get back into a relationship with current friend or whoever. Really not ready or sure what I want. Thanks god she either sees that or does not want one with me because I am still vulnerable and could very well end up with the wrong person. So going to chill out on romance for a while. Plenty of time for that later.

 

2. I am in a very good situation in a number of ways. I am pretty much financially independent even though I lost half of everything. I have an excellent job, however I could choose to retire if that's what I wanted. So the financial part of my life is good shape.

 

3. I am pretty healthy although I could lose a little more weight. I am going to make this a priority over the next couple months. Time to take care of this once and for all.

 

4. I have a great support system with lots of family and friends. Most of them have stuck by me and really helped, but it is getting time to stop leaning on them and genuinely putting the my ex behind me. I think I have talked about it enough with everyone and its time to let it go. I will still talk about it here though.

 

5. I am really losing the anger towards my ex and those who support her. I can't forgive her, at least not yet for what she and AP have done to our family, but it no longer enrages me. I have had quite a lot of contact with her regarding the house sale and I am mostly ok dealing with her. As I mentioned in previous posts I have resumed some contact with my sister-in-law and while I won't be attending family functions it was nice to have a conversation. I realize the difficult position my former in-laws are in and sympathize with them.

 

6. I am not going to be known as the angry divorced guy who does nothing but wallow and focus on the past. I have always been a positive person and I need to get back to that. And I can't use another person to get me there(woman friend), I need to get there on my own. Time to start is now.

 

7. And this is probably the most important. I have a lot going for me and I am in a pretty good situation. The world is wide open to me. I can live where I want, work or not work , do whatever I want to do within reason. Job 1 for me is to figure out what I want to do and start doing it. So that is my goal for the time being. Figure out what I like and don't like about my life and figure out how to fix what I have to. It's actually pretty exciting when I think about it in the right frame of mind.

 

All in all I am feeling upbeat about my future. I know I will have backslides but when I look at my overall place in the world, despite what has happened the past year, I have a lot to be grateful for. And its time I started living my life with gratitude for all that I do have and forget about what I don't. Man I feel really good today. I know I still have some down days ahead of me, but when I do I will look back on this post to remind myself of how good I have it.

 

Thanks for the support.

[No Limit]

It feels good knowing that you have the power over your life without interferences or obstacles in the way, doesn't it?

[chew123]

Yes it does. Although I realize I have one obstacle left. And that is me. But that is the one thing I do have control over.

[chew123]

Spent a lot of time with my son and his gf this weekend. Going golfing with him in an hour or so. He is having a tough time with the house sale. Only place he ever lived aside from college so I get it. I find his discomfort painful and I find myself having to bite my tongue to avoid trashing his mother over this. I don't though, really serves no purpose.

 

And she has been good and has not introduced him to BF yet. She does tell him how wonderful he is etc, but has not forced the meeting yet which I appreciate. I imagine it will happen soon but the fact that she has shown some discretion encourages me that she has come to her senses a bit and will give him adequate time.

 

Another good sign is that she has started looking for a place of her own to rent rather then move in with friends etc. This will be much better for my son and give him another option on where to live over break. He has expressed that he would rather live with me, so I expect I will upgrade to a 2 bedroom before he comes home from college next year. That is a year away though so I will deal with that when the time comes.

 

I woke up a little bummed today, no real reason. I have been trying to spend more timje alone and focus on my goals so that may be part of it. Who knows, I expect it will pass soon. Could be the house sale. Who knows.

 

No anger anymore though. I suspect I am through that cycle for now. And I really do still think this is all for the best. I just wish my wife had been honest about wanting to leave and told me flat out as soon as she met someone else. Really would have been easier on everyone. But that is water under the bridge now.

 

That is it for today. Nothing of real consequence , just rambling.

[No Limit]

Sometimes you just have a bad day. Curse hormones, but it needn't be because of your divorce.

 

As for the introduction of OM - I believe your ex is just trying to keep OM away from your son because she fears his reaction. Fears he will resent her for picking 'the tramp' over family. Losing his original home will definitely have planted some of that resentment in him, even without trashing his mother. Unfaithful adults might not like to hear it but in the end kids do take sides when one of them has screwed up.

[Majormisstep]

A house is just sticks and bricks. It is the safety and welcoming we provide that makes it a home.

 

Chew, you are so on the right path. I paid another small fortune for a brand new IC last week only to have her tell me the exact same thing. You have will small victories and setbacks. All par for the course (golf analogy).

 

With your lady though, if she's mentioned that being a friend is all she is interested in for now, take her word for it. It may very well be because you are both fresh out of long term R's and "replacing" one companion for another so quickly likely won't pan out well. Or maybe she isn't feeling the connection and unfortunately, that happens as well in this dating world.

 

I suspect once you have moved further away from the D and your mind talk settles, there will be a lot of interested ladies

[chew123]

Nol,

 

Yes sometimes a bad day is just a bad day. And golfing with my son and discussing things in general fixed that.

 

MMS,

 

Yes, I believe I am on the right path. And yes I am believing her. She is going through as much as me, actually more although it is a different situation. I will continue to support her as a friend since thats what she wants. And as I have said I do enjoy our time together. I also don't believe that we are long term compatible anyway and have really known that from the beginning, but glossed over it because we both really needed each other. She probably knows it as well so friends it is.

 

 

One other thing. I asked my son if he enjoys it when the three of us go out to dinner. He said he does because he still considers us a kind of family, even though he totally understands if I want to discontinue them. I told them its fine with me since we are both his parents and always have issues to discuss related to him so we can do it over dinner every couple weeks. I don't want to minimize her behavior, but her presence lately only reinforces the fact that I really am better off without her. I was not really agreeable that we are still a family but let it go. And we will continue to get together for dinner now and then since I don't care and he seems to like it. And he has no delusions of us getting back together so I think its ok. They will fade once he goes back to school in the fall anyway.

[understand50]

Nol,

 

Yes sometimes a bad day is just a bad day. And golfing with my son and discussing things in general fixed that.

 

MMS,

 

Yes, I believe I am on the right path. And yes I am believing her. She is going through as much as me, actually more although it is a different situation. I will continue to support her as a friend since thats what she wants. And as I have said I do enjoy our time together. I also don't believe that we are long term compatible anyway and have really known that from the beginning, but glossed over it because we both really needed each other. She probably knows it as well so friends it is.

 

 

One other thing. I asked my son if he enjoys it when the three of us go out to dinner. He said he does because he still considers us a kind of family, even though he totally understands if I want to discontinue them. I told them its fine with me since we are both his parents and always have issues to discuss related to him so we can do it over dinner every couple weeks. I don't want to minimize her behavior, but her presence lately only reinforces the fact that I really am better off without her. I was not really agreeable that we are still a family but let it go. And we will continue to get together for dinner now and then since I don't care and he seems to like it. And he has no delusions of us getting back together so I think its ok. They will fade once he goes back to school in the fall anyway.

 

chew123,

 

On of the big things that used to drive me insane, was my divorced parents could not get together for family things with out fighting. Marriages, birthdays, their grand kids baptism, do fourth and do on. It was your kids marriage in some respects as well. So good for you. This is something you can do for your son, and when he has a marriage your grand kids as well.

 

 

 

607

[chew123]

U50,

 

Thanks for the feedback since I am a little torn with the continued contact. I don't think it bothers me, actually I kind of enjoy it. Not in a I want to get back with her way, not even close, but we were friends as well for a long time and I kind of enjoy the friendship.

 

I feel a little like I am letting her off the hook and condoning her behavior, which I certainly am not. But it probably appears that way. Although I don't think once a month or so is really a big deal either.

 

Getting together with her without my son, now that is not going to happen.

[chew123]

My son is away this weekend so I won't see him for fathers day. My father passed away a long time ago and I am feeling a little nostalgic. I decided to write a note to my ex father-in-law.

 

I have been no contact with her family since the announcement which was in December. They wanted to maintain contact but I told them it was best if we did not at least for a while. Now he was basically my father-in-law for 35 years and not to brag but I was his best son-in-law. He always complimented me and told me he was so happy that i was with his daughter because out of the three she was the only one he did not have to worry about because I was always there to take care of her. Needless to say the divorce hit him hard, especially under the circumstances.

 

So I wrote him a note wishing him a happy fathers day and thanking him for being a pseudo father for me for all these years. I also thanked him for being a stabilizing influence in my sons life, particularly now when he can use the support. Funny, I am glad to be rid of her family since they are a little nuts and have issues just like everyone else. But now that so much time has passed I miss them a little.

 

Felt good to write the note. And I was careful to make it 100 percent positive with no negatives at all about his daughter. Hopefully he appreciates it.

[No Limit]

Hopefully he appreciates it.

 

Considering this:

 

He always complimented me and told me he was so happy that i was with his daughter because out of the three she was the only one he did not have to worry about because I was always there to take care of her.

 

... no doubt he will appreciate it. It will probably make him cry too, but he'll be happy about it nonetheless.

[Beechy1973]

Hi Chew

 

I enjoyed reading your thread and well done for remaining so brave, balanced, adult and resilient throughout your split.

 

Please remember that it takes a long time to recover and it still really is very early days for you.

 

You strike me as a pragmatic and logical man, but emotions don't tend to run logically and can take some time to catch up with our thinking.

 

In my experience problems can occur when we put too much pressure on ourselves to 'get back to normal' too quickly; the reality is it can often take years before we start feeling fully ourselves (and often a 'new' self) again.

 

I know everyone's different but nearly everyone described it as a roller coaster, during which our feelings are likely to meander and change, often wildly, within short spaces of time. My feeling is that for logical people like yourself, some unsettling waves of emotion may arrive at a later date.

 

It is likely you will have lots more ups and downs with your ex, which may include her asking to have you back, being angry at you for (often imagined) wrongdoings in the past, and also trying to beat you in the 'I'm doing better than you' competition.

 

You may even decide to give it another go at some point, as love is a difficult emotion to extinguish or control, and you may bargain or kid yourself that the recent upset is what your relationship needed to kickstart it again for a better future.

 

I certainly wish I had conducted myself with the dignity and self-control you have. My biggest regret is not doing that, as self-respect can be hard to recover once you have deviated from remaining adult and dropping to their level.

 

Good luck - my advice is to not be so adult at times (let your inner wounded child have a voice at times - even if this is just by yourself or with a trusted friend) and let yourself grieve.

 

Recovering from a relationship that has taken up over half your life is not something you bounce back from in a year. On top of that you have her adultery and breakdown of trust to deal with (the lies are always difficult to accept and resolve).

 

I hope you continue to find yourself; in three years time you will look back and hopefully realise it's the best thing that's ever happened to you. You may always have misgivings and regrets but that's natural and healthy.

 

Look after your self

 

Beechy

[chew123]

Beechy,

 

Thanks, i am logical, however not as logical as I come off in my posts here. I do know I need more time and I do expect that I will be better off when I look back on this in a couple years.

 

Actually, since this situation forced me to take my blinders off, I realize I am already better off, although I am still having a little trouble adjusting to living alone.

 

And I like your comment about getting back to normal. After being part of a couple for 35 years and having sex available pretty much whenever I felt like it I was really in a rush to couple up again. Really backing off on that and back to working on myself again.

 

As far as ups and downs with her, I think our lives are settling in as co-parents pretty well. Though she still gets upset when she sees me if I make the mildest comment, we are able to agree on everything we have to pretty easily. Just need to finish getting her out of my system. And I don't plan on circling back for another try and don't expect the opportunity. It is impossible for me to view her in a favorable light these days.

[chew123]

My niece (on wifes side ) contacted me to wish me a happy father's day and try and make some plans to get together. I am close to her and I am looking forward to getting together with her and her daughter in the near future.

 

Inevitably I guess the topic of my wife's bf came up. She said she and most of the family have not met him and don't want to although she knows it will happen sooner or later.

 

Between my ex's family not wanting to meet him and his family not being fond of her, they really are the star crossed lovers. It is kind of like them against the world. I am still amazed at how many relationships they have ruined with their "love".

 

And I know I really should not be paying attention but I can't help it. Watching someone I loved for so long totally f up her life is not really making me feel any better. I just can't believe she can be happy with the way things are turning out.

[Beechy1973]

Hi Chew

 

Regardless of how it looks, the likelihood of it lasting is slim to none. Jumping from a 30 yr plus relationship straight into another serious one is crazy and ill advised, and best left to the foolhardy and desperate.

 

I appreciate not every split is the same of course, but I came across the message below on this site some time ago and found it really insightful and true. Your progress seems more adult and your ex has yet to turn too toxic (give it time and when her new relationship starts experiencing reality you may be able to empathise with its message more!) Hope you find it useful:

 

...There are differing types of divorce and each one has it's own emotional and psychological intensity. There is the bilateral agreement divorce where both spouses are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart. In a divorce like this the couple is often able to come to a mutual agreement and settle their affairs amicably and stay connected as friends with little emotional upset.

 

Then there is the unilateral divorce where one spouse makes the decision to divorce to the utter shock of the other spouse. This type of divorce means more emotional and psychological intensity for the spouse who was unaware of the problems in the marriage. The one choosing to leave has had time to think about, reflect upon and weigh the options and to emotionally detach themselves from the marriage while the other spouse is caught by surprise, is normally mistreated and left to feel abandoned. There is a huge imbalance of power with the one leaving being the one in control of all aspects of whether or not the marriage will continue.

 

Add to this a third party, another woman or another man and the emotional intensity is compounded. Not only will the left behind spouse feel abandoned but he or she will also feel replaced by someone better, younger, more attractive. The pain in this type of divorce comes from losing a position of importance in the life of a spouse, from beliefs about immorality, betrayal and feelings of failure as a spouse.

 

When a third party enters a marriage and a spouse in that marriage becomes romantically involved with this person certain psychological things start to happen in the mind of the unfaithful spouse in order to justify their actions.

 

At first they lavish in the attention and feel energized by the adoration of someone new. In time they begin to compare their feelings for their spouse with those they have for this new person. If a decision is made the break up the marriage and move onto a life with this new person several psychological stages will be gone through which only exacerbate the pain of this type of divorce.

 

Normally a spouse who falls prey to infidelity is a decent person that is aware of their behavior and how it is frowned upon by society. Even though they are aware of the immorality of their actions they continue with the relationship, which means dealing with feelings of guilt. These feelings of guilt motivate to demonize the faithful spouse in an attempt to justify their behavior. They will attribute many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. The faithful spouse may be portrayed as an inadequate wife and mother and even accused of being evil.

 

Not only will the faithful spouse be demonized, history will be rewritten to make it appear that he/she has been faulty for the entire duration of the marriage. The unfaithful spouse will recreate the marriage and what happened during the marriage to make it appear that they have suffered much pain and unhappiness throughout the entire marriage. They may say things such as, "I was forced into marrying you" or, "You've never loved me the way I needed to be loved" or, "I have lived in hell for 20 years." He/She will say anything as long as it will enable him/her to appear to have been the victim of the marriage and fully justified in abandoning the family.

 

The unfaithful spouse will tell their story often and to anyone who will listen, to the point that they will finally begin to truly believe that the left behind spouse deserves to be punished. The faithful spouse is the offender and the persecutor and needs to be dealt with harshly. Punishment will come in the way of financial withholding or, even worse, fighting over custody for any children of the marriage. They may begin to believe that the faithful, demonized spouse is not entitled to receive any future benefits from them, sometimes not even those allowed by law. In many cases the children will be used as tools to punish the faithful spouse, which leads to bitterness and emotional detriment to the children.

 

No matter how much the faithful spouse is demonized and mistreated by the errant spouse, he/she still feels the need of the approval of family and friends and, strangely enough even the spouse they have hurt so tremendously. He/She needs the faithful spouse to start to believe that they truly are the responsible party and to realize that the unfaithful spouse had no choice but to leave the family.

 

The unfaithful spouse will expect the left behind spouse to accept their new life and to even be happy for them. They want the faithful spouse to take full blame for their need to escape an "unhappy marriage." In their mind, for this to be done properly the left behind spouse should also accept the other man or woman and make peace with them. Since the left behind spouse does not share any of these views with the unfaithful spouse, he/she is often unwilling to embrace and bestow their well wishes on this new life. If you have been a party to this type of divorce or know someone who has you are well aware of the emotional turmoil that takes place.

 

It doesn't matter who leaves the marriage, the wife or the husband, the person left behind to deal with the betrayal experiences a hellish nightmare. Next I will discuss the stages the left behind spouse will go through during the process of this type divorce.

 

Being demonized will produce feelings of shock and dismay. They will question their own sanity and replay their marriage in their mind trying to find some hint of all the unhappiness they are told of. They will question how their spouse, someone they have loved and trusted could betray them in such a way. First to have an affair and then to rewrite the history of their marriage in such a way as to try and lay blame at their feet.

 

They will wonder how their spouse could not only blame them for having to have an affair but also how they could defame their character after many years of being given love, respect and trust. They will wonder how their spouse cannot see how their words and blaming does damage to the children by depicting their mother in a bad light.

 

The faithful spouse will question her own memories of what they thought were years and years of a happy marriage. He/She will wonder if the marriage was never anything but a sham and a figment of htheir imagination. They will wonder why the unfaithful spouse never complained if they were really that unhappy or why they never made a request for changes in the relationship. Being punished for your spouse's misery is a mind-boggling state to find yourself in.

 

If all this isn't bad enough the unfaithful spouse now demands that their partner accept this other man or other woman and rejoice in their well-deserved happiness. They also expect their spouse to encourage the children to embrace and love this new person and welcome her into the fold…so to speak.

 

Just reading such a scenario is painful, imagine actually living it? If you are reading this article you may be living it yourself at this moment. It is a crazy making time isn't it? Such severe distortions of what the marriage was actually like can cause the left behind spouse to question their sanity and every action they take. Recovery from such a profound emotional trauma is slow.

 

What can a left behind spouse do under circumstances like these?

 

Most importantly they can realize that all the distortions have nothing to do with them and everything to do with the leaving spouse and their need to justify their actions.

 

Understand that these distortions and negative behaviors are your partner's way of dealing with their guilt. It's his/her perceptions that are wrong and not yours.

 

Surround yourself with a support group that can affirm your view of what your marriage was and that the distortions you are being fed are for your partner's self-exoneration. Surround yourself daily with people who love and care for you.

 

Remember that every parent earns his or her separate relationship with the children of the marriage. Children will ultimately process these events appropriately and make their own choices and come to their own conclusions based on their memories and moral beliefs.

 

This nightmare will end!! With time, healing does come and you will laugh again and love again and the sun will shine again; All you have to do to survive is trust your memories and never forget that, this insanity is not of your making.