aliveagain Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Hello Mr Chew I am so happy for you that you are making such progress I am struggling quite badly at the moment having reached 12 months apart, but you inspire me, also, sorry to hear about your friend, I lost a much loved uncle to lung cancer some years ago now and to see him fade away was truly heart breaking for all of us as a family, I loved him very much and his passing was truly hard to deal with for both me and my WW, I wish your friend well and I sincerely hope that he suffers as little as possible, your a nice bloke make the most of your time left with him. We need to stop wasting our lives by obsessing on our past, live your life as full as you can afford to live because we all have someone that we lost to a cancer. ralfgarnett my friend, you see your relationship with your wife as a 12 month separation while she see's it as 12 months into her new life. We need to get you out of the past and accept the reality of today because your new exciting life won't start until you do. There was life before and there will be life after your ex, the quality of that life is up to you. Stop wasting it because that is what your doing. One thing I noticed about ex's, they don't want you until you stop wanting them or until someone new wants you. What else have you got to loose that you haven't already lost by changing the way you live your life? You can never get this time back, fu*k the people that think your not important enough to be in their life, you don't need them in yours. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 (edited) Hello mate thanks for your wise words, a lot of what you say is of course very true, however I was with my wife for 19 lovely years and I cant just get over it just like that I really wish I could, I didn't deserve what I got and I am still in shock from the bomb dropping, I still love her and I just can't switch off my feelings, I would do anything to have her back as we had such a great life together, she was the one who lost her way not me and I am stood here holding the rope on my own, I hate my life now, it is totally empty and lonely and I struggle to make any progress, I don't like or want this but that's depression for you it is consuming and paralysing. Edited July 11, 2015 by ralfgarnett Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Hello mate thanks for your wise words, a lot of what you say is of course very true, however I was with my wife for 19 lovely years and I cant just get over it just like that I really wish I could, I didn't deserve what I got and I am still in shock from the bomb dropping, I still love her and I just can't switch off my feelings, I would do anything to have her back as we had such a great life together, she was the one who lost her way not me and I am stood here holding the rope on my own, I hate my life now, it is totally empty and lonely and I struggle to make any progress, I don't like or want this but that's depression for you it is consuming and paralysing.[/QUOTE] Not trying to highjack chew123's thread but too many of us have this very same problem. We can be our own worst enemy's. Your ex is living her her life and I can assure you she isn't seeing it the same way as you. Your the only one that's keeping you in the black pity pit of what was. Your life is being lived to it's finality regardless if you live it on a sunny beach on the south of Spain or in a dark stagnant room with a bottle of scotch waiting for your wife to wake up and come home. Your life my friend is empty because you choose it to be that way. Wake up, do something starting tomorrow morning that will fill that empty space and make sure it doesn't include anything to do with your wife. You have already wasted a year, you don't have that many left so make them count. Book a holiday to somewhere you always wanted to go. You have got to change your thinking my friend. People will find you more desirable when your life is full of action. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Not exactly germane to your story, but my ex-SIL, who I really loved and thought was a great person, left my brother last year. Turns out a long-lost high school bf looked her up on FB and the rest is history. This person, who I thought was one of my close circle of people...I have found I want nothing to do with. All because she started and affair - and then blamed everything on my brother. Now, at first, I agreed with her (before knowing she was cheating). My brother IS a POS and I can't imagine how she stayed with him for 20+ years. But the instant I heard she was cheating...all that compassion for her just disappeared. I hope I never see her again. Just a little perspective on how other people in your life may be feeling about her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 (edited) I hear you pal loud and clear, and I appreciate your gusto and wise words, but I am truly struggling with depression and anxiety not to mention the recent panic attacks, I don't have a bottle of scotch in the house it doesn't agree with me and I have better places to visit than Spain but I get your message, I disagree about my wife I get the impression she is struggling too maybe not as bad as me but struggling none the less with suicidal thoughts etc, I agree about being ones worst enemy I said this very same thing only yesterday, and yes your correct my life is empty because quite frankly I don't know how to fill it, I don't want to become that lonely middle aged bloke propping up the bar seeking company, maybe 20 years ago but not now I have more about me than that, I am constantly thinking about travel I am fortunate and very grateful that financially I am very stable, I have been away 3 times since our separation and only enjoyed them to a certain extent, she and I travelled frequently and in our time together we must of easily taken 100 plus holidays, I am meeting up with a mate of mine tomorrow who is also going through this misery and we are planning on taking a trip somewhere soon, we have talked about Germany, Hungary, Croatia, lets see how things pan out, thanks to you for your time and but thread back to Mr Chew, good luck to you old pa you know where l am if you ever need to talk. Edited July 11, 2015 by ralfgarnett Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 Ralf, Glad to hear from you. Feel free to hijack my thread anytime. And remember that i sound better in writing. I am doing pretty well but still struggle sometimes. You will recover sooner or later. You really have no other choice. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Thanks Mr Chew I appreciate it and I know where to find you mate. Link to post Share on other sites
FTD Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Chew123: You diagnosed your wife in your first paragraph when you said she changed her behavior toward you, and became promiscuous. Has she lost her emotions and become rude and critical? Did she start exercising feverishly, walking for miles, or spend a lot of money on selfish pursuits? Did she start drumming her fingers, rubbing her knee or exhibit other stereotypies? Please convince her to see a neurologist. Frontotemporal Dementia is as prevalent or even more so in the 40 to 60 age group as Alzheimer's disease is in the older group, but FTD is underdiagnosed or never diagnosed. Your wife is very ill. She would still love you if she could. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 FTD, Interesting idea. However she is now my ex-wife so its not like she would listen to me. And she did not exactly turn promiscuous, she just turned away from me towards someone else. And while she does seem to be a different person, I think that is just who she always was. Thanks for the idea though. I have to admit I already googled FTD after your first post. I believe she fits the profile of a disordered selfish cheater, who is having difficulty dealing with what she has done only because of the negative consequences she is now dealing with. Not a victim of FTD. But thanks for your insight anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FTD Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Sir: Your wife was not kidding when she said she needed "space." For some reason, objects in space close in on people with this disease. They also cannot handle the normal noise and activity of a family so they have to get away. Please research FTD in your spare time. Hers is a classic presentation. Best regards. Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) kid turned 18 is a dead give away. this is a simple case of "Empty Nester Syndrome". to all married people watch out when your kids turn 18 that feeling when "its finally done". wife must been thinking like "mission accomplish" what else is there to do? - chew should continue to move forward, -chew do you have a camera? its time to take pictures of your new apartment and plaster in on your facebook. (time to have some fun and hit back!) lol -double the impact by having your new gf/friend in the picture. your wife checking on you is simply her trying to compete with you making sure she is doing better. Edited July 14, 2015 by m.snow Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Mr Snow, She also turned 50 the same year. I tend to agree. Typical mission accomplished, mid life crisis , whatever you want to call it. As far as hitting back, I appreciate the sentiment but I find it better to avoid the competition and just try to live the best I can. I can't tie my future happiness to who is doing better. I just have to live the best that I can. And honestly, although I may get a little beat up for being too nice, as time goes by I am mostly not angry with her anymore. I hope she gets her life back together because the bottom line is the better she does the better off it will be for my son. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 chew i know you been reading ladychump, i think one of the advice there is to show your happy. you know that they the waywards feed on your loneliness,pain,suffer or wat ever. so i don't think it would hurt for you to post on facebook or social media. that you are happy in your new apartment near the beach. specially that vacation your planning with your son in the summer with the cousin. take lots of good picture and good memories. post it up show the world that you're happy man. someday you and others will look back on those pictures and say "wow chew was having a great time!". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 M. Snow, Yes I do read chumplady. And that is one of her recommendations. The chumplay site was really helpful in the early days when I was looking for the strength to be angry rather than sad. But as time goes on I think the time for anger is passing. She really does not deserve space in my head anymore so the goal is to get her out. I am living or trying to live my life without regard for her. It does not matter if she thinks I am happy. She needs to become irrelevant. Is that the case yet? No, but I am getting there. She does know that I am happy where I live. Most of our common friends have been here and I am sure she has heard I am doing well. But no need to throw it in her face, to me that seems like I am trying to say look at me, I am doing great and that is not my style. On another note I have softened my stance on my former friends who do hang out with my ex and her bf. There are really only 3 and I was focusing my anger on them as well. They really do not understand the pain this whole thing has caused me so it is silly for me to hold them accountable. Not that I am seeking out there company, but I am not going to actively avoid them in the future. Looking forward to the day when my ex is really "Just somebody that I used to know" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 IIWY, if I ran into one of those friends who accepted her and her bf, I'd just say 'I'm choosing my friends carefully these days, and I don't want friends in my life who'll let my wife cheat on me and not do something about it.' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 tunera, None of them knew about the cheating before I did. Yes they chose to hang out with them as a couple but they were always closer to her anyway. It's not like I will invite them over for a party, its just that I no longer feel the need to totally shun them. If I suspected any of them knew about the cheating beforehand, that would be a different story. Anyway I choose not to focus on revenge or hostility towards others. Just my future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 M. Snow, Yes I do read chumplady. And that is one of her recommendations. The chumplay site was really helpful in the early days when I was looking for the strength to be angry rather than sad. But as time goes on I think the time for anger is passing. She really does not deserve space in my head anymore so the goal is to get her out. I am living or trying to live my life without regard for her. It does not matter if she thinks I am happy. She needs to become irrelevant. Is that the case yet? No, but I am getting there. She does know that I am happy where I live. Most of our common friends have been here and I am sure she has heard I am doing well. But no need to throw it in her face, to me that seems like I am trying to say look at me, I am doing great and that is not my style. On another note I have softened my stance on my former friends who do hang out with my ex and her bf. There are really only 3 and I was focusing my anger on them as well. They really do not understand the pain this whole thing has caused me so it is silly for me to hold them accountable. Not that I am seeking out there company, but I am not going to actively avoid them in the future. Looking forward to the day when my ex is really "Just somebody that I used to know" I promise you that one day she will just be another face in the crowd and a new Mrs. Chew123 will occupy all your thoughts. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TashaTudor Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Looking foward to being indifferent. That day can't come soon enough for many of us! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 so chew have you gotten back to the dating scene? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 No not really. I do hang out often with a new female friend but I am still not ready to date. I am really not in too big of a rush. I do have a strong social network and go out quite a lot with both men, woman and couples. Sometimes I think I am ready but I know I am not ready to trust anyone and really need more time. The ex is still spending too much time in my head. Less and less as time passes though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 House closes in 3 weeks. Looking forward to that. In the meantime the ex has rented the identical house to ours on the same block where we used to live. Seems bizarre to me to say the least but not my problem. Minor issue is my son does not go back to college for a few weeks and it falls on him to do a lot of the moving. She asked if she could borrow my truck, to move. told her no, get the bfs truck or rent one. So my son called and asked if he could use it to move his stuff. So I am going to swap cars with him for a while so he can move all his stuff. Of course he will end up moving hers as well. I really don't care and don't want to argue over trivialities anyway, and he is touchy about the move. So it looks like she gets to use my truck. the next thing I suspect is she or he will ask if i can help carry the heavier items. Gonna have to draw the line there though. Home stretch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 House closes in 3 weeks. Looking forward to that. In the meantime the ex has rented the identical house to ours on the same block where we used to live. Seems bizarre to me to say the least but not my problem. Minor issue is my son does not go back to college for a few weeks and it falls on him to do a lot of the moving. She asked if she could borrow my truck, to move. told her no, get the bfs truck or rent one. So my son called and asked if he could use it to move his stuff. So I am going to swap cars with him for a while so he can move all his stuff. Of course he will end up moving hers as well. I really don't care and don't want to argue over trivialities anyway, and he is touchy about the move. So it looks like she gets to use my truck. the next thing I suspect is she or he will ask if i can help carry the heavier items. Gonna have to draw the line there though. Home stretch. Good luck with the home sale, chew! I had a couple take a second look at our family home this weekend, and get estimates from contractors on doing some improvements, so that is a good sign that an offer might be coming. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I simply cannot wait to get that off of my plate and be fully moved into the new home and rid of the old one. I think it will be huge for my mental well being. I am sure you are in the same boat - one more step down the rood to better things. Thanks for the update- good luck to you as always! Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Chew, have you started dating again? Its not like your gonna marry the next girl you meet. Its just some fun. The moment you start seeing another girl you'll start forgetting about your wife. and the better feeling you'll get It's biological its psychological. You mentioned "trust"? your not gonna marry the next girl you meet. or not yet ok Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 M Snow, I have done some casual dating. I have 1 woman who I have been seeing for a while who started out romantically but it has cooled down. And yes it is fun, but the reason I say i am not ready is I was a bit needy and possessive of her when it was just a casual relationship for both of us. I still have a little growing up to do. You have to remember that 35 years is pretty much a lifetime to be off the market. I have some work to do on myself before I get involved in dating. I do have another interesting woman who has expressed interest and I will be spending some time with her soon. Whether I will be dating her is a question. I do know that spending time with new women does help to forget the ex. However I think its important to spend most of my time with trusted friends and family or alone rather than new women. Healing is a process and there is no reason to rush it. And learning to be happy alone without a partner is a big part of it. So, to summarize I have dated a little, but my focus is elsewhere for a while. I need to get further along before getting involved with others. But my ex is firmly in the rearview mirror at this point. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TashaTudor Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 I agree with you on your opinion on healing. The urgency to fill the void with a new person, I feel, can delay real healing. For me I think one needs some time to "let the dust settle". I am discovering new facets to myself. Having to focus on a new person only distracts you from yourself. After a while, you begin to love you own company. Self care becomes high priority. Being able to finish a book, deepening my faith, bonding with family, long soaks in a tub with music and wine. My goodness, what could be better?! I think your doing it the right way Chew. Link to post Share on other sites
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