26 years married 32 years together over

[chew123]

Ralf,

 

Not brave it is just the way it is. Have to cohabitate for various reasons for a while. And you know what? If I did not know about the affair I would have false hope. At least she came out with part of the truth. If she kept me guessing and continued to hide it I would be in limbo trying to get her back.

I still think she made the biggest mistake of her life, but there is no going back.

 

As far as strangling her lol, I won't give her the satisfaction of knowing how much she hurt me. She sees a confidant, albeit sometimes crazy man going on with his life and ignoring her as much as possible. I will no longer let her affect me. Of course this is still mostly a facade at this point but it does get better almost every day. A first I was just saying I was embarking on a new journey of life. I have said it enough times that I am starting to believe it.

 

I wish you luck with getting your wife back. Just remember, there is life without her if it comes to that. Don't let another person take your happiness away. Stay strong.

[Rachy85]

I am sorry for what your going through...in regards to assets I believe that generally in most states if there was adultery even though it is not illegal, it will not result in an equal distribution of assets and communal property, but you would have the burden of proof and discovery files...I am not sure that her selfish actions and disregard of her vows and the emotional abuse, yes this is abuse, she is causing is worth you being amicable...not financially anyway. Although none of that will help the grieving process...I think your engagement in therapy is crucial and I commend you for this. Keep your head up and again I am so sorry this happened...

[2.50 a gallon]

chew

 

I went thru this 3 decades ago. Difference, no kids, and I was able to kick her out and she moved in with the OM. But I was stuck living out the lease with walls full of memories. The hardest part was about 6 weeks after catching her, she had a break down did a total 180 and began begging with crocodile tears, rolling on the floor, asking me to take her back. I still was in love with her, but as you, I knew I could never trust her like I had before, so just walked away. That hurt!

 

My main problem was continually thinking about her. In order to break that cycle I dived back into my hobbies, and even tried some things I had always wanted to try. Failed at raising orchids, but succeeded in learning to breed rare and hard to raise tropical fish. I was already a pretty good cook, but decide to improve my skills and began teaching myself how to cook gourmet meals. That was a winner, as they took longer to concoct, meaning less time to think about her, I was rewarded with a great meal, and wow when I got back into the dating scene. It did not take long until I had stable of female friends. Oh the gals I dated, the last one was a millionaire many times over. She used to invite me to take trips to Hawaii, Bermuda, Mexico and the last one was a two week trip to Tahiti, to scuba dive. I never wanted to give up my single life again.

 

Fourteen years later that came to a quick end at age 49. Totally out of my league in the looks department, she is a grandma, of a teenager, a year away from retiring like myself and still has an hour glass figure and a flat stomach, and oh them long legs. And she is the sweetest, most giving person I have ever met. We have now been together for 19 years.

 

A couple of years back I Goggled the Ex. Time has not been nice to her. She is easily pushing 200 plus in the weight department.

 

Divorce the best thing that ever happened to me.

[AffairsRBad]

Best of luck to you chew and you have handled it far better than I have.

 

Like you said, the whole winning them back and trying to hold on to any kind of relationship is a fool's errand and holds you back from true happiness. This took me 6 months of limbo and a month into the separation to realize. So you are doing well.

 

For myself, I wrote down on a piece of paper who I believe myself to be and read it everytime I felt myself slipping back into the emotional turmoil that comes from being the spouse cheated on. I will never understand why people have affairs, when love is such a beautiful and wonderful thing that should not be destructive.

[ralfgarnett]

good luck to you to chew your obviously a top bloke she doent deserve you mate and you dserve better than that our kid

[troubledhusband]

The hardest thing I ever done was to let my wife go because she no longer loved me. And we are young in our early 30s and only after 2 years of marriage.

 

If I learned anything from my failed marriage is that it takes two to make things work. Once anyone checks out, is over no matter how much the other might love and try to get them back.

 

It was extremely hard for me and still is as this happened only 3 months ago for me, but I learned that distance apart and no contact works best for me. You can only do one thing and one thing only. Take care of yourself and try to move out. The sooner the better. Move out if you must with your sister. It will be better than to keep seeing her and torture yourself knowing the person you love does not love you back.

 

That's my two cents and I feel your pain!

[Pickmeup]

So sorry, I feel your pain. You sound so nice, handling it the best you can and putting your son first. Sounds like she is leaving a gem, no doubt your marriage had problems after all those years - most do but it's tough when your ex doesn't even want to try to work through the bad times.

 

I am sure one day she will regret her actions. Spend now working on yourself and your happiness, when she changes her mind it will be too late...you will be happier without her you deserve to be treated better.

[chew123]

Well I finally let go of my anger. I am not proud of it but think I had to to get it out.

 

Unfortunately, the wife and I ended up at a haloween party and both drank heavily. I kind of let her know how pissed I was about the situation. Told her in no uncertain terms how horrible it was that she was fing another guy and that yes my son was going to hear the truth. Of course in my state I made it all sound worse then it is. She sobbed for 2 hours after my tirade. Of course I am not going to be graphic when we talk to my son. We will tell him the truth together and let him down easy.

 

Funny thing is I am sleeping better since I let her have it. Even stranger though is that I feel somewhat guilty. And she is now playing the victim, she told our mutual friends that I am evil. I yell for 3 minutes and now I am evil.

 

I definitely learned my lesson. No more alcohol till this is over. And I am now staying at my sisters as much as possible. We are obviously too volatile to be together.

 

And I don't really feel guilty, just a twinge. I guess I still have a little of the if I only treat her nice she will come back to me in the back of my mind. Amazing how she can still get to me, even after I know its over. I can't believe that 6 months ago I was so happy and thought everything was great. Life sure throws you a curve now and then.

[troubledhusband]

Yes, I found distance apart was better rather than seeing her day in and out.

So awkward to live with someone that you love and they ignore you to your face, or worst... Keep arguing as my ex and I did.

 

Is best to put distance in between, let things cool off and then come to a mutual agreement when ready to talk it out without being "evil" to one another.

 

As for alcohol, I'm no doctor but as a social lubricant should be fine as long you don't abuse it and damage your health. Just don't over do it at the next party like the New Years. And try not to end up at the same party if possible unless you guys solve your differences by then.

 

Also, if you feel angry again go to the gym. It helps a lot to release that anger lifting weights or running.

Edited November 4, 2014 by troubledhusband

[ralfgarnett]

"I can't believe that 6 months ago I was so happy and thought everything was great. Life sure throws you a curve now and then."

 

 

With you 101% on that one mate, life's sh-t some times or correction people sometimes make life sh-t for you with there destructiveness, don't for get as with me you have done nothing wrong, she is the wrong doer and has been since she let her knickers down and let some loser drop anchor in sushi cove, you deserve better than that it's disgusting and totally wrong.

Edited November 5, 2014 by ralfgarnett

[chew123]

Thought I would post an update. Got the property settlement done. Not divorced yet but this was the hard part. Settlement is fair, basically 50/50 no alimony or child support.

 

I know it is still too soon but I have moved forward quite a bit. I spent all day with her today traveling to visit my son at college, long ride there and back.

 

I was fine, no longing for her to come back, no arguing, just focused on my son. The three of us had a nice dinner and visit. Funny, I observed her closely and realized she has quite a few annoying habits. I previously thought they were cute.

 

I suspect that I have broken or am close to breaking my attachment with her. I am sure I will cycle back and forth, but if I can spend all day with her and have no issues I am on my way.

 

2015 will be a much better year then 2014.

[GirlStillStrong]

Sounds like you are doing well, glad to hear it. I'm sorry for what has happened, for what you are going through, and yes, life sure isn't predictable. But I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that everyone should experience at least one major heartbreak in their lives. More and more people are getting divorced after the kids are grown, and even into their 60s, because people are living longer and they want to experience more in life than "just" being married and having kids with the same person and then dying. It's the opposite of our traditional values so it's really difficult when it happens. But I promise you, there is light at the end of the tunnel and, not only that, there is a woman out there who you are going to meet who you are just going to have a BLAST with. I know you can't see it just yet, but she is there, and when you find her, you will thank your STBXW for doing what she's done.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know it is still too soon but I have moved forward quite a bit. I spent all day with her today traveling to visit my son at college, long ride there and back.

 

I would have arranged to meet her there so congrats, sounds like you're further along than most ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

Glad to hear you're okay!

 

Not everyone goes back and forth between feelings. Many basically wake up and realize that they were missing quite a lot, but placed all those needs behind "naive love". With that out of the picture, you're going to find new freedoms.

 

Only beware your ex in a year or two when her affair ends and she suddenly stands crying in your door. Don't let that hold you back.

 

By the way, when do you plan to tell your son? This or next year?

I think this is the only hurdle you'll have to take - or rather, your ex.

[chew123]

Thanks for the comments everyone. Yes the last big hurdle is my son. However after spending time with him this weekend I realize he will be fine. As soon as he comes home for Christmas break we will have the talk.

 

One advantage of waiting a while to tell him is that I have had a chance to move forward a bit. I was in a great mood when my STBXW and I visited him last weekend. He was interested and curious when I discussed a lot of the new things I was doing. I have always been a little eccentric so I did not have to hide it from him.

 

He will see that I am handling it and not falling apart. If he had been around early on he would have seen an entirely different me.

 

Unfortunately my wife is not in the same place. She had a tough time during the visit and was a little sulky. Spent a lot of time hanging on to him, being physically clingy. A little more then usual. I expect her to break down and look to him for comfort and due to the situation, I am not sure how receptive to her he is going to be. For my part I will encourage him to comfort her. Since its over, no need to prolong anyone's pain, even hers.

 

No Limit, I don't expect her to ever try and come back. However even if she tried tomorrow I am done. I have made some new friends both male and female. One of the female's is quite interesting and interested as well,

although I have made it clear that I am in no way available for anything but friendship for the foreseeable future. But it is good for the ego to see that there are opportunities for me to seize someday.

 

Like the Seinfeld episode when it was the year of George, 2015 will be the year of Chew lol. Work on myself, discover new things then emerge a more complete and better human.

 

Thanks again to everyone on this forum. I think I get more out of reading here then I do from my therapist.

[LifeNomad]

 

Like the Seinfeld episode when it was the year of George, 2015 will be the year of Chew lol. Work on myself, discover new things then emerge a more complete and better human.

 

.

 

 

not to nit pick here but it was actually the summer of George lmao sorry I love Seinfeld hahaha but same idea.

 

 

after me and my ex split I also noticed things about her, i mean i thought she was perfect, the most beautiful woman, and now, shes not that pretty when i see her

[Decisiontomake]

I've been dipping in and out of your thread Chew, and think you've been handling things amazingly well. Although when people say that to me re my separation I kinda wanna scream sometimes that they don't get it whatsoever in what it takes to just put one foot in front of the other sometimes! Anyhoo, I did want to say that to you.

 

 

I do have a question though - why are you going to tell your son regarding your wife's infidelity? Why does he need to look at his mother in that way? I'm sure you want to show that the "fault" is hers so to speak but is that really for him to know?

[No Limit]

He will see that I am handling it and not falling apart. If he had been around early on he would have seen an entirely different me.

 

And from experience I can tell that this is what hurts divorce-kids the most.

Luckily your son is spared that additional worry; which is why a "clean cut" is always the best approach.

 

Just don't try to persuade him or anything. He'll hate his mother for a while. From the moment he knows it's her job to make things right through actions; and clinging to someone isn't enough. I'd stay out of their relationship; no bad-mouthing of course, but I'd handle it carefully to encourage your son to play the coddly nurse either.

 

Your wife's pain won't end anytime soon I'm afraid. Even when the affair ends her social circle - or whatever is left of it - won't have her back with open arms. It's her business though, just live your life. So far you're doing great at that.

 

I do have a question though - why are you going to tell your son regarding your wife's infidelity? Why does he need to look at his mother in that way? I'm sure you want to show that the "fault" is hers so to speak but is that really for him to know?

 

It is real, and it has happened. There is no way he's not going to find out someday, and why lie to your own son? OPs ex knew very well what she risks with her affair, I'm sure she has a plan how to sort things out.

[chew123]

You are right summer of George I stand corrected lol

 

DTM,

 

I am not doing as well as I sound, although I am doing well. It is hard to represent all your feelings in an online forum.

 

Regarding my son knowing, at first I have to admit a big part of it was to place blame. That is no longer he case. I have always been a very honest person. I spoke to my therapist and some others and they mostly agree that we should tell him the truth. For one thing there is a good chance he will eventually find out anyway. I think it is best for him to know the truth, although it will definitely be sugarcoated.

 

If anyone has a good reason why we should not tell him the truth it is certainly open to discussion. Remember he is 18 and old enough to handle it.

[Mr. Lucky]

It is real, and it has happened. There is no way he's not going to find out someday, and why lie to your own son? OPs ex knew very well what she risks with her affair, I'm sure she has a plan how to sort things out.

 

I disagree about telling but I understand both sides.

 

My son was young when we split after her A but years later asked me "why did you and Mom divorce?". Something about his demeanor made me think someone in the family had told him something. I simply said to him "we had our differences, none of which had to do with you".

 

Mr. Lucky

[GorillaTheater]

Even though you sound as well-grounded as anyone, you're going to be on the roller-coaster for a while, cycling between anger, grief, confusion, and the rest of it. It's natural, and you have to let yourself feel what you feel without dwelling on it. The good news is that sine wave levels out after a while, and the sooner you get on with your life the sooner it happens, so from what I'm hearing you'll be through with roller coaster sooner rather than later.

 

I'd tell your son what's going on in a calm and cool way, sparing him the graphic details, of course. "Your mom is with another man" should be sufficient.

 

We haven't spent much time talking about the other man, but the one question I have about this POS is whether he's married or single. If he's married, I'd feel an obligation to clue his wife in on what's going on. No reason why she should be the only one among the four of you who's still in the dark.

[Decisiontomake]

I'm not sure about why he will find out anyway - as I can't remember the exact details of the infidelity - whether it's someone in a "circle" that he could then find out about - or if your wife may end up with that person BUT I am definitely in the camp that kids (whether small or grown) do not need to know that about their parents. I too have always been very honest on subjects with my children - telling them things in age appropriate ways as they've grown. However, I would never tell them about my husband's previous affair, nor my own. I have been in IC for a while, and throughout the six month separation my H and I are now in, we've worked to communicate with the "kids" (19 and 16) as much as possible but my therapist also agrees that it's OUR relationship - mine and H's - not theirs. And that some things are just between the two of us.

 

 

In conclusion, if he really is likely to find out then yes hearing it from you guys would make sense. But if he really isn't, I would remain in the camp that says he does not need to know. Just my thoughts!

[scatterd]

I am so sorry my husband did pretty much the same to me after 21 years. Its very painful. like thy say it takes two to make a marriage work and one to break it . Wish you the best my prayers are with you

[chew123]

Regarding who the other man is I have to say I am honestly not sure at this point. She told me it is an acquaintance of hers from 20 years ago who was widowed 6 months ago. However there are many inconsistencies to her story and behavior so I am having trouble believing that this is the true story.

 

For instance, she never stays overnight with the AP, even after the bomb drop. Seems a little curious if he is really widowed. . Also, when this man was around 20 years ago I had a dream that she had an affair with him. I never met him but she talked to me about him a little and I guess I saw a connection between them back then and had a dream.

 

For all I know it could be my best friend. However, I have chosen not to delve into things to find the truth. Not good for me. I snooped for 1 day early on and it drove me crazy. It will probably come out after the divorce if she stays with him but who knows. All that matters for me is she is leaving me for someone, who cares who it is.

 

Interesting viewpoints in whether or not to tell my son. Thanks for the thoughtful comments. Going to discuss it today with my therapist to get another view.

[No Limit]

For instance, she never stays overnight with the AP, even after the bomb drop. Seems a little curious if he is really widowed.

 

Huh, indeed.

 

You know, whenever I hear stories about a spouse leaving his family behind for someone else, I always hope that the third party involved is at least as rich as Bill Gates and in the looks department can be rated somewhere with George Clooney/some top model as example for women (that's the only thing I could imagine someone leaving their family for, at least if they're very money-oriented). If they still leave their families and cry and whine about their confused feelings afterwards, I'm sorry, but then they must be very lucky that their vital functions are running smoothly else their IQ would be too low to keep them alive without anything like common sense and stuff.

 

On the other hand, it's much funnier to watch when they sell themselves short. And even then it gets funnier when they are kicked to the curb. ('Schadenfreude' all around on my part for WSes, sorry!) If only they wouldn't hurt people by doing so... perhaps WS should behave like real jerks for a year to everyone so at least they'll be glad they're gone instead of making surprising departures?