26 years married 32 years together over

[KBarletta]

Thanks everybody for your continued support. This forum is really a great place to get good advice and to unburden yourself.

 

We met the realtor last night. She is a friend of both of ours who we have known for over 30 years. My wife was already having a cocktail when I got there. She is drinking a lot more these days. Actually, I have upped my intake a bit also but cutting down on it for a while.

 

Wife was a bit snippy with the realtor but settled down. We are going to fix a few minor things(we made a list, her bf is going to fix some while I am away and I will do the rest). Then the house goes on the market right after.

 

All good, then the realtor leaves and we walk the house to see if there is anything we are going to fight over possession wise. That went well, neither one of us is attached to anything.

 

So we go out in the yard and sit down to talk for a few minutes. About son, schedules etc. She asks about my apartment, I gave her a few details. Next thing I know she starts sobbing to the point of hyperventilating. I ask her whats the matter and she tells me you know , the stuff I sent you in the email.

 

So she eventually calms down and she tells me she plans to move in with another divorced female friend of hers who will let her bring the dog. Not to be a snob, but this woman lives in a borderline neighborhood in a house that is falling down. Additionally she is an alcoholic who spends all of her free time at the local American legion.

 

She is really on a downward spiral. I really hope she finds better living accommodations for my sons sake when he visits her. But needless to say none of this is my problem. I know where I am headed.

 

I have to say it does make me a little crazy that she would give up so much in the pursuit of a risky relationship. Oh well, that is my venting for today. Its a beautiful day. off to the beach.

 

 

Chew, every time I read an update from you, it makes me think you have traded UP while she is trading DOWN. I wish you luck, friend. You said it - what happens with her life is no longer your problem. You are on to bigger and better things.

[Esraem]

Chew,

 

I can tell by your posts that you are a caring individual and you showed real strength through that. You inspire me to hopefully be able to come to terms.

[No Limit]

Additionally she is an alcoholic who spends all of her free time at the local American legion.

 

Judging from your update, they'll do great together. They might fight once the rum is gone but beside that they should be fine, since she apparently can't even get through the day when sober.

 

off to the beach.

 

If you only knew how much I envy you for that beach!

[chew123]

A couple observations today.

 

I am in Florida for the week at my friends condo. Not vacation, still working half time but came down because some of my mutual friends were visiting.

 

I traveled down by myself. No airport stress or worrying about being late like the trips with her. Packed light took my time , calm and unstructured. The actual traveling part of the trip was much more relaxed due to her absence.

 

And I am starting to realize I really don't miss her at all. I do miss having a life partner, but I don't miss her specifically. As a matter of fact I really think i am kind of glad she is gone. I am looking forward to the time when I am ready to open up to a new person.

 

Feeling pretty good for a Monday morning.

[ralfgarnett]

"I would also say that if I heard my wife say "I love you and I miss our life together," I would say the same things about her. However, that doesn't change the facts that: A. I no longer trust her, B. I don't know if I'll ever trust her the same way again"

 

 

This I agree with apart from, I don't currently trust her but I would be fully prepared to try to build up the trust again and I don't think it would take too much to do that, all totally hypothetical at the moment as we are in 99.9% NC.

[chew123]

So the strange behaviors of the WAW continue. Moved into my new place today. Called the ex and told her I am coming to pick up some stuff. While I was loading up I realized I needed some pots and pans. Asked her to throw some in a box for me which she did. All the crappy ones I might add but i find that stuff comical at this point.

 

On my way to the apartment I hear a phone going off in my truck. Its not mine. Goes off a few times but truck is filled. Then ex calls, can't find her phone wants to know if I took it. I told her of course not but I do hear it. Turns out its in the box with the pots and pans. Note only 3 pans/pots in box plus her phone. She says it must have gotten in there by mistake.

 

My neighbor is helping me so I tell her I will send the phone home with him, but we are going out after the move to celebrate. She proceed to call me 3 more times during the afternoon asking me when he is coming with phone.

 

So did she make a mistake and put the phone in the box? Considering she guards it with her life I think unlikely. But what was her motive? I actually think she wanted me to tell her come get it so she could come check out my new place. I don't know, does not matter, but weird either way.

 

Oh and I do know her code but did not even glance at the phone. Decided that would be counterproductive.

[No Limit]

It's always interesting to hear what they come up with next. Yeah, I bet she'd love to see your new place. And good for you to not check her phone, I bet she left a few surprises there she intended for you to discover.

 

Is your move complete or do you have to engage in more face-to-face encounters?

[chew123]

Going to be a lot of face to face with son coming home next week and selling the house. But the encounters will be brief. The end is near though. Once the house sells I will rarely see her.

 

I am ok with the brief contact though. Its all business for me. Well mostly.

 

One more interesting tidbit. Now that he has been hanging round and walking my dog my friends in the neighborhood tell me we are very similar in appearance. Weird stuff.

[No Limit]

One more interesting tidbit. Now that he has been hanging round and walking my dog my friends in the neighborhood tell me we are very similar in appearance. Weird stuff.

 

Funny, even her "bad side" has the same pattern. It's basically all the same except that you've been painted the devil 'cause you don't bring the affair excitement with you. I think she'll wake up soon once the house and her home for years is out of the picture. The fact that her OM doesn't want her in his home is just hilarious.

[chew123]

Nolimit,

 

That is really the last mystery, why they have not made the plans to move in together. Like I mentioned earlier I heard through the grapevine that she is not welcome in his house due to the grown daughter that lives with him or some nonsense like that.

 

Still missing a piece of the puzzle. Once the house is sold I suspect the truth of that will come out, not that it really matters. But I am really curious why she has not made plans to live with him. They have been together for at least a year or longer at this point.

 

Maybe they have a secret plan once they get the cash from the house. Thing is she already has plenty of money so the house should not be a barrier. I know I shouldn't even be thinking about this but I really am curious. I will find out in time. I still stake my bet on cohabitation and marriage in the near future, once the dust settles and their respective family's start accepting them as a couple.

[No Limit]

But if there's a grown daughter living with him I suspect she can't afford her own place, so if they ever bought a house together she'd move in too. I still believe she'll crack mentally once the house is gone, her spending time exactly the way she did with you like you mentioned earlier won't be possible anymore. It's the last thing of the past that is still there; OM's greatness through the affair glasses will soon wear off when he continues to keep her at arm's length.

 

... Maybe, that is. Longest I've heard of a woman being stupid enough to be strung along were 13 years. But that will depend on how deep in denial she is.

[KBarletta]

Again, Chew, I believe that your ex did this deliberately. People who guard their phones so closely don't just box them up with pots and pans by accident. She seems to be going out of her way to maintain some kind of connection to you, as she sees it slipping away when the house is sold.

 

I've had similar things happen to me. My wife has called my phone at odd hours and not left messages, stopped by the house for flimsy reasons, etc., over the past few months. I don't think it means she wants me back or that your ex wants you back, but I think they want to maintain some kind of connection and/or control over you. It gives them some power to know that they can still have an effect on you.

[No Limit]

Again, Chew, I believe that your ex did this deliberately. People who guard their phones so closely don't just box them up with pots and pans by accident. She seems to be going out of her way to maintain some kind of connection to you, as she sees it slipping away when the house is sold.

 

I've had similar things happen to me. My wife has called my phone at odd hours and not left messages, stopped by the house for flimsy reasons, etc., over the past few months. I don't think it means she wants me back or that your ex wants you back, but I think they want to maintain some kind of connection and/or control over you. It gives them some power to know that they can still have an effect on you.

 

Indeed. Hence why she dresses the way OP likes etc; it also shows how great and sincere her relationship with OM really is. She knows she's headed to rock bottom so she's doing anything to keep that connection alive. Hell, she's so deep in denial she believes OP would take her back anytime (of course it's also possible she repeats this over and over in her mind to reassure herself). Truly fascinating to watch.

 

By the way, I think OM is the broke type. You say she will have enough money from the sale, but they couldn't even buy you out of 50% - how are they supposed to afford and maintain 100% of a house?

[chew123]

Son is home from college. the 3 of us went out to dinner tonight. Thought it was a good idea to show son we were still civil. I am in my new place and they brought some of my stuff that I needed to the restaurant. Wife wanted to meet at my new place but I told her its MY new place and off limits to her as I am starting over. She is dying to check it out. lol Asking me if its in a bad neighborhood etc. Its not. I told her my doorman has her picture and instructions not to let her in. Just kidding of course.

 

We actually had a nice time. If she had left me without cheating we probably could have been friends after the divorce. Oh well, her loss.

 

When son went to the bathroom I could not help myself and asked her if she was happy with her decision. So she tells me she was at one of my former friends house and he did tarot cards for her. I don't know much about them but the one she got indicated she would have big regrets over her decisions. I couldn't help but say no sht.

 

I know I have mentioned this before, but the more I spend time with her the better I feel about being alone for a while. What the hell was I thinking.

Unconditional love is definitely blind.

[whichwayisup]

Son is home from college. the 3 of us went out to dinner tonight. Thought it was a good idea to show son we were still civil. I am in my new place and they brought some of my stuff that I needed to the restaurant. Wife wanted to meet at my new place but I told her its MY new place and off limits to her as I am starting over. She is dying to check it out. lol Asking me if its in a bad neighborhood etc. Its not. I told her my doorman has her picture and instructions not to let her in. Just kidding of course.

 

This is now your peaceful sanctuary! You shouldn't invite her in until you're ready..She is nosy and curious but still.

 

We actually had a nice time. If she had left me without cheating we probably could have been friends after the divorce. Oh well, her loss.

You be the bigger person and be courteous and kind as a co parent, always listen and hear her out when it comes to your kids but anything personal about your life is off limits to her, you don't owe her anything.

When son went to the bathroom I could not help myself and asked her if she was happy with her decision. So she tells me she was at one of my former friends house and he did tarot cards for her. I don't know much about them but the one she got indicated she would have big regrets over her decisions. I couldn't help but say no sht.

Ha, classic. I doubt very much this R with this guy will work out, especially since his daughter wants nothing to do with your ex.

 

Anyway, she's his problem now. Not yours!

[Rum Tum Tugger]

Funny, even her "bad side" has the same pattern. It's basically all the same except that you've been painted the devil 'cause you don't bring the affair excitement with you. I think she'll wake up soon once the house and her home for years is out of the picture. The fact that her OM doesn't want her in his home is just hilarious.

 

I think the affair excitement is absolutely spot on as the same thing happened to me. I got the whole "I need space", "I love you , I am just not in love with you" speech from my wife just before we split. Obviously it was all my fault because I didn't pay her the attention she thought she deserved.

 

Roughly translated, she was bored and thought the grass was greener so started an affair. She thought the excitement would never end and this was what life was all about. Bit of a shame that they split up about 3 weeks later!

 

So 6 months after we split she meets a dad from the school who fulfills none of the criteria she was looking for in a man.

 

Good looking? Nope!

Younger? Nope 7 years older with 2 children!

Interesting job? Nope!

Loaded? Nope!

 

I have not met him, but from what she says he is very like me personality wise. So let me get this straight, you split up with me to end up with a guy, who by your own admission is very similar to me.

 

She also messages me from time to time, saying how she regrets everything and wishes we had tried harder. Erm, I wasn't the one going off having an affair.

 

Women, I just don't get them! 18 months on from our split I know I am a lot better off without her and he is now going through the same rubbish from her that I went through.

[Mr. Lucky]

Son is home from college. the 3 of us went out to dinner tonight. Thought it was a good idea to show son we were still civil.

 

Chew, your son is an adult and knows divorces do happen so why the "family" dinners together?

 

To me, it contradicts the goal of moving forward to a different life with a new normality. And they often lead to just the kind of awkward examinations of the corpse that you've described.

 

So for me - see my xW at a function (graduation, school, etc) involving our son? Certainly. Sit down for a dinner with just the 3 of us? Never. I'd much rather spend the time alone with my son. As always, YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chew123]

Mr. Lucky,

 

I am on the chumplady forum and the same point was expressed by some. I feel that the occasional dinners together are good for communication between my spouse , son and myself. Since I am pretty much done with her it does not seem like a big deal to me.

 

At this point she has made her decision, I have responded appropriately(divorce). Occasional former family dinners seem relatively harmless.

 

However I will rethink this due to the concerns expressed by you and others.Anybody else want to weigh in on this?

[KBarletta]

Mr. Lucky,

 

I am on the chumplady forum and the same point was expressed by some. I feel that the occasional dinners together are good for communication between my spouse , son and myself. Since I am pretty much done with her it does not seem like a big deal to me.

 

At this point she has made her decision, I have responded appropriately(divorce). Occasional former family dinners seem relatively harmless.

 

However I will rethink this due to the concerns expressed by you and others.Anybody else want to weigh in on this?

 

Personally, I don't see the harm if you are totally over her, which it sounds as if you are, but since your son is a grown adult I'd be tempted to get his opinion. Would he rather have the family dinners together or spend time with each of you separately? Also, as a grown adult I guess these gatherings are unlikely to create delusions for him that there will be a reconciliation?

 

I know I could never do that - at least not for a while. In the next two weeks my daughter will have a birthday and will "graduate" from junior high school. I will attend the "graduation" ceremony and give her a hug, but will not attend any of my wife's family's celebrations. My family and I will have celebrations of our own at different times. That is the way I prefer it. Unless it's a wedding or funeral or other event where you can't have separate gatherings, I have no interest in being social with my wife.

[chew123]

KB,

 

Yes I think I am over her. Actually over all women for a while. Need to be alone or with friends. And when I am with her occasionally it just reinforces to me how done I am with her.

 

And her vacation plans with OM were discussed since my son is watching the dog during that time so no illusion of reconciliation.

 

All this being said, I think I shall check with my son if he gives any value to the family dinners. If not, once the house is sold and I can go full NC, I will let them fade away.

 

I think I may enjoy them in a perverse way because I see how my wife really has no clue about what is coming next, is worried and complaining about her job, worrying about the weather on her vacation with om, just generally negative now that I am gone. This is not really good for me, I need to get to the point where I don't care if her life is a failure or fantastic since I have no control of either.

 

I will get there, just need more time.

[No Limit]

Son is home from college. the 3 of us went out to dinner tonight. Thought it was a good idea to show son we were still civil. I am in my new place and they brought some of my stuff that I needed to the restaurant. Wife wanted to meet at my new place but I told her its MY new place and off limits to her as I am starting over. She is dying to check it out. lol Asking me if its in a bad neighborhood etc. Its not. I told her my doorman has her picture and instructions not to let her in. Just kidding of course.

 

We actually had a nice time. If she had left me without cheating we probably could have been friends after the divorce. Oh well, her loss.

 

When son went to the bathroom I could not help myself and asked her if she was happy with her decision. So she tells me she was at one of my former friends house and he did tarot cards for her. I don't know much about them but the one she got indicated she would have big regrets over her decisions. I couldn't help but say no sht.

 

I know I have mentioned this before, but the more I spend time with her the better I feel about being alone for a while. What the hell was I thinking.

Unconditional love is definitely blind.

 

I think she's hoping that your living accommodations are as bad as hers. As for the friend doing tarot cards; I think he or she tried to get your ex off her destructive path, to no avail, of course. But still applause for the effort.

[chew123]

Had a very nice memorial day weekend with friends. No ex-wife stuff. And she and om are going on vacation for 9 days so I can get in the house and finish sale prep. It finally goes on the market this weekend. Hope it sells fast.

 

One interesting tidbit. Her vacation is going camping and to a NASCAR race. I am not knocking what anyone likes to do but I just can't see her going to a NASCAR race. Aside from the drinking aspect I am amazed she is going. Maybe I was keeping her from her real self all these years. We always did island, beach, European travel a couple times a year. NASCAR?

 

I really thing she is sub-ligating her real interests to appease the new guy. Oh well as I have proven by putting up with her all these years, unconditional love is blind.

 

Spoke to her today to let her know I was going to finish the house while she is gone. Told her to have a great trip. Really meant it too. Her being miserable no longer satisfies me.

 

And one nice thing she is doing now is keeping OM out of the house now that my son is home. I really do appreciate that. He could use a little more time. Home stretch, feeling pretty good, may even try to move things forward a bit with my female friend, but will probably wait a little longer. Not quite myself yet.

[No Limit]

Well it's obvious OM is broke. They couldn't even buy you out of the house. If he told her his next planned candle night dinner will be in his favourite run-down bar in a ghetto with the occasional knife-fight she'd still be enthusiastic about it.

[aliveagain]

Nolimit,

 

That is really the last mystery, why they have not made the plans to move in together. Like I mentioned earlier I heard through the grapevine that she is not welcome in his house due to the grown daughter that lives with him or some nonsense like that.

 

Still missing a piece of the puzzle. Once the house is sold I suspect the truth of that will come out, not that it really matters. But I am really curious why she has not made plans to live with him. They have been together for at least a year or longer at this point.

 

Maybe they have a secret plan once they get the cash from the house. Thing is she already has plenty of money so the house should not be a barrier. I know I shouldn't even be thinking about this but I really am curious. I will find out in time. I still stake my bet on cohabitation and marriage in the near future, once the dust settles and their respective family's start accepting them as a couple.

 

Just my two cents but I think she has discovered that his sh*t stinks and one year with him part time does not compare with the lifetime she spent with you. The truth hurts, she did this and she is the master of her own destiny. They hate it when your happy without them, they hate it when you date someone attractive that can still have children, they hate it when you move into an amazing property, they hate it when they find out you just had dinner at La Sultana Restaurant in Marrakech, Morocco.

[TashaTudor]

Hi Chew123.

 

Just curious. How long did it take for you to start seeing/dating new people?

 

People tell me that I should start getting back out there. Quite frankly, I'm not interested.

 

Does this feeling last forever?