Author chew123 Posted May 31, 2015 Author Share Posted May 31, 2015 TT, I have no idea how long it will be for you but I am getting pretty interested now. But that does not mean I am really ready to get back out there. I met my current friend about 2 months after dday and began a friendship as I was no way ready to date. We have kind of been hanging out a lot ever since on a mostly platonic casual basis. I am attracted to her and she was to me, however things may have changed for her as we have become really good friends and she may want to keep it that way. That is ok with me since I am still a little screwed up and probably shouldnt add any complications to my life. But I think i need to let her know I am still interested in more then friends and see where I end up. As you can tell by my confusion I have no good answer for you. I will tell you that i have really enjoyed my time with my new friend and wherever it goes I am grateful she came along when she did. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 I do think your friend is waiting for you to heal before starting a true relationship. And also likely thanking your ex for letting you go, good men becoming single are always appreciated sooner or later - in your case sooner. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TashaTudor Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 I'm happy for you Chew. At least you're making some attempt to piece your life back together. I can't say I'm as brave as you. Guys have initiated talk with me but I'm just not feelin' it. I just....well..I don't know? I don't know if I have anything left to give anyone. How awful. Glad for you though! Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Share Posted June 1, 2015 NoL I hope your right. I do enjoy her company, I will be ready when I am ready though. TT, Don't listen to anyone else, you are on your own timetable. You will be ready someday, and I am sure you will have a lot to give somebody when you are ready. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 My ex is on vacation with bf so my son and I finished up getting the house ready for sale. Put it on the market and it sold in 1 day for above the asking price. Closing in August. It is rather bittersweet. I really liked the house and lived there for 22 years. My son and I were tearing up talking about it. As with everything else, I had to get house ready and on the market and my son handled the showings. She is away for 9 days camping with BF. Its interesting, she clings to my son like crazy but he was only home from school for 7 days before she goes on 9 day trip with BF. And while away called him and gave him crap because he was not responding to her texts about the NASCAR race she was attending. Son said I just wasn't interested in the race so did not respond. My son and ex will reside together in the house until the closing since I am already in my apartment. Then he goes back to school so timing is pretty good for him. The end of the summer and house sale will officially mark the full dismantling of a life that we planned and executed over the past 35 years. Took less then a year to blow everything up. I am a little shell shocked with all the change but I am moving forward. As I was feeling nostalgic about the house I called my former sisterinlaw to chat. She is having another grandchild soon and i wanted to congratulate her. She was very glad i called and we had a nice chat. We decided it was best if we did not talk about the ex but just each other and the rest of the family. I assured her that I had no ill will towards them but I had to step away for a while to get myself together. She understood and told me everyone in the family really misses me and that family gatherings are now weird and strained because of the situation. Wait til she brings the bf over. She mentioned that it still does not feel real to any of them. These things really do affect a lot of people. Holy crap, the last 9 months have been the craziest ever in my life. But you know I have never had anything bad happen to me so I was due. By the time it finally closes with the house sale I will be a different person. Hopefully a better one. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Chewy, do you happen to have a comedy-tragedy tattoo or something? You are a master at getting me to smile and then tear up and then smile again. That last post tugged at my heart strings like a harp! Virtual hugs, man. I just know that one the shock subsides you'll be happier than you imagined. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 Thanks for the hugs. Unfortunately my life is now a tragic comedy. lol And your right I know I will be happy once I finish processing. I am mostly happy already, just a little adrift. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Your life is less of a tragic comedy than her family's from the sound of it, congratulations to a fast sale! And yeah, it doesn't take a lot of time to destroy a lot - I also think your exes' relationship with her son will be among the victims in time because of her own paranoia of you turning him against her or whatever. She clearly doesn't have all her marbles anymore, and her behavior should peak in August once the house is gone if she's already going crazy about her son. Be prepared to receive more whiny messages once the house is closed. Have you planned with your son (or your ex) where he will stay during future visits from college? You wrote that your exes' future place is in a quite shady neighbourhood. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Way to go on the quick sale, chew! I hope mine goes that fast. I should be listing it in the next couple weeks. It's a great house, but I worry that I'll be stuck with two mortgages for a while. Congrats to you on clearing a major hurdle! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 Nol, My son can stay wherever he chooses. Kind of up to him. He can stay with me or many of his friends parents in the neighborhood are on "Team Chew" and have invited him to live at their homes. And I think once the house sells and my wife realizes how much money she actually has she will come up with a better living arrangement. But who knows on that one. KB, I am kind of shocked at the sale. But happy. Never know til the closing though. I hope yours sells fast also. And an interesting note for all. I have a newer therapist and she suggested journaling. I told her I guess I already do and pointed her to this thread. She was impressed with the quality of the advice I have received. Great job Love Shackers. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Chew your really an inspiration to some of us that itll all be ok, its all about how u handle yourself, keeping your pride and head up Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted June 6, 2015 Author Share Posted June 6, 2015 LFN, It will be ok for all of us in this situation. For me more time just has to pass and i know I will be good. As I believe I have said before, I definitely did not want this, did not see it coming and was devastated for a while. But now I seriously believe that this may turn out to be the best thing for me. My life is good, albeit a little lonely as I adjust. About the only thing I miss now is having someone to check in with all the time and make daily plans with. I do have plenty of friends to do this with but not the same as a wife and I don't want to burn the friends out either. On another note my ex's selfish behavior continues. While she was away on vacation with the other man I got the house on the market and it is already sold. She knew we were doing this and the time was right. Was with her today to sign contract and I asked her how her vacation was. She said I ruined it by putting the house up for sale. She said she cried every day after I did that. WTF. My son and I had to deal with strangers tromping through our home while she vacationed with her BF. And of course this is all her doing. She really is disordered and I really am lucky to be free of her. Things really are getting better. Every time I see her I see something else that makes me glad she is gone. At first I was kind of faking it. Not anymore. He can have her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 ...She really is disordered and I really am lucky to be free of her. Things really are getting better. Every time I see her I see something else that makes me glad she is gone. At first I was kind of faking it. Not anymore. He can have her. Wow chew, that's an awesome perspective! I'm still trying to work on mine, I hope I can make myself feel like you do. One month to go until we're official. I got a notice from the court a couple weeks ago that I have been ordered to pay my fee of $435. I had it waived because I was starting a new career and had no income, and it's still quite low, so in order to appeal it, I had to file a couple forms and send my STBX a copy. I did that, and as soon as she got it, her response was "what do you want me to pay for now?" After many weeks of not talking at all, we got into another argument about that and I got in her face about making accusations like that when I have never asked her for anything other than her hand in marriage. She apologized (for the first time in years) and said I do have a good character. I said thank you, and that I'd still like to see her daughter occasionally. She again said it would be too painful for everyone, I should leave them alone and I should move to Washington to be with my own daughter and her son. While obviously I'm not going to make decisions for my life based upon what she says, and it changed absolutely nothing, somehow it unsettled me a little. Like you, I am seeing much more objectively how she is and that I'm much better off without her, but there's still that spot in my heart that aches a little. It still remembers the good times and misses them and the good side of her. All I have seen in the last six months is the bad side. I miss my old wife, but toward me, she's gone forever. Regarding what you just wrote about your wife, I agree completely. She initiated the whole divorce, has a new bf and goes on trips with him, but she cried because you sold the house? WTF? Ken Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 (edited) And an interesting note for all. I have a newer therapist and she suggested journaling. I told her I guess I already do and pointed her to this thread. She was impressed with the quality of the advice I have received. Great job Love Shackers. Thing is that on LoveShack the users do help individually but if you look at the advise given, the core is always the same. Establishing NC/LC - trying to explain the why's and other questions plaguing the BS - calming the user down in the adjustment period to single life + advise on legal matters; nonstop encouragement throughout all the phases. It's the same routine almost every time. She said I ruined it by putting the house up for sale. She said she cried every day after I did that. She always needs you to be the bad guy, doesn't she? Who knows, maybe that day when you moved some of your stuff into your new apartment she was probably crying about the loss of a few forks. Edited June 8, 2015 by No Limit Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 (edited) So as I mentioned in an earlier post I think I am ready to move forward with the woman I have been spending time with. So she came over yesterday and we had a nice day on the beach. She has told me in the past about the friends first thing do to my situation. I told her well you know I am ready for more then friends and you know how I feel about you. She said she still wants to be just friends for now. I said to me that sounds like you just want to be friends and we are headed nowhere. She said no she just isn't ready yet and she would tell me if that was the case. Well, I kind of interpret all this as I am now in the dreaded "friendzone". I know she likes me and enjoys my company as she rarely says no when I ask her to do something and she plans things for us to do as well although not that frequently. We do have a great time when we are together also. So now what. Do I cut back my time with her and start pursuing other women? Actually I am not really ready to do that yet. Wait her out some more and continue the friendship? I do enjoy her company but there is a relationship imbalance if I want more then she does. After being with my wife 35 years I am really clueless. I think maybe I am still too insecure for dating at this point. But I do want to get started. Argh, I am more then a little confused at this point. However, I am enjoying writing about a possible future, rather then dwelling on the past. Edited June 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I said to me that sounds like you just want to be friends and we are headed nowhere. She said no she just isn't ready yet and she would tell me if that was the case. I guess the #1 question is - do you trust that this is the truth, or just her way of letting you off without hurting your feelings? If you think she's telling the truth and she really just needs more time, then I say keep hanging out as friends and see where it goes. Even if you end up "friendzoned" at the very least, you have another friend and can still pursue other women whenever you choose. If it turns out that you give it a few more weeks/months and something does come out of it, all the better. If it were me, I think I'd opt for companionship at this point and see where it goes. She may have her own reasons for taking it slow, as you do. And it certainly helps beat the loneliness to have someone to do things with, right? Either way, I wish you luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 The other thing, chew, is that it sounds like your wife is still grieving this relationship? It almost sounds as if she didn't do so before because she was on some kind of "affair high" and now - now that it actually IS over and the D is final and the house is sold - NOW she actually realizes what she's done. I wouldn't be surprised at all if her relationship with the OM is doomed as a result and you find her someday knocking on your door again. Just a gut feeling, but based on what I know of people in similar circumstances. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chew123 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 KB, I do believe her. And the more I think of it I am really not ready either. I am going to sit back and enjoy her company without pressure. this is kind of what she has asked me to do in the past but now and then I get a little impatient and insecure. Here is the text I sent her after our conversation yesterday. And her reply. Then my final. Going back to the friend status quo for a while. Probably best. Me "Thanks for dinner tonight and thanks for being honest. U are a great friend and I don't want to lose that, but you are very attractive inside and out... I have to be honest also and as I move forward from my situation and become my own person I can't help but want more with/from you. But I will take what I can get for now " Her "Thanks for your kind words and I'm very happy that we are friends and yes we will be forever! I feel we both have helped each other. I though when I moved here and put everything behind me I would be ready, found out I really am not. I'm not saying never just not right now. I'm glad we can be honest that's what a relationship is all about!!If you don't have plans tonight want to meet me for dinner" Me "Sure honey let me know when you leave work and I will meet you. And yes we have both helped each other. And honesty is essential for me. And if I look at myself honestly I am really not ready either. But u know I can be in a hurry sometimes to get to where I want to go. Not very Buddhist of me. I will be patient and continue to enjoy our journey wherever it takes us." That is it for today's adventures. Oh and yes I would not be shocked either. I know the ex is filled with regret over the loss of her previous life, probably not the loss of me though. She may circle around for another try if her and OM go south. Will be interesting but changes nothing for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 First you need to stop with the exwife thing and start your tomorrows today. I am quite sure your new interest has heard most of these things you post. Who wants to be a rebound? Do not let your exwife screw up the rest of your life for any reason. Whats with the "I am not ready stuff? Your x just left for a vacation with her BF While you cleaned the house for sale. You should have been ready yesterday. Go after this woman. Stop with the excuses. Romance her softly. Clearly Let her know that you have moved on completely. Dont push, pull softly. She is not stupid. I havent commented on your thread, but read it for my own reasons. I once told Merrmeade that your life is a book. You write this book. You should close the last chapter and start a new one asap. How many pages do you have left? If you dont think you could EVER reconcile with your ex, Your wasting time. What are you going to write in your book tomorrow? Right now, its a blank page. I may be completely wrong and this post may mean nothing to you, however I still say, If you want her, go get her. IMHO 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Who wants to be a rebound? Nobody, which is I think precisely why OP is taking his time. While I don't disagree with your sentiment overall, I do completely understand when someone isn't emotionally ready for a new relationship. From an outsider's perspective, it's easy to look at a situation and say, "you should be ready" but the only person who knows for sure is the person who is there in the moment. My wife left more than six months ago and there is no hope of reconciliation. Friends have given me similar advice - telling me to go out and meet new women asap. BUT I know for a fact that if I started a relationship right now, there would still be a lot of unresolved feelings toward my ex to work out and that would not be fair to me or to any potential partner. I would definitely need to take the same approach as chew and take baby steps. That's not quite "seize the day" the way you are advocating, but I do think that it is the only way I could make anything work right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Chew I think your lady is a wise one. You are only a little over a half year from the break up, whether you realize it or not you still have a lot of healing to do. For me, after the break up of my marriage, I totally swore off on love and relationships. I did not give up on women, just no longer trusted them. I had suffered too much pain to ever take that chance again. When love began to show its' head I was gone. Fourteen years later, second date, first kiss, I never had a chance, I was in love. The problem was I had fallen in love with some one who was just like me, uncertain whether she could ever trust again. She had been in a bad abusive marriage for 15 years. And to make matters worse, she was still deeply in love with her former live in lover. They had only temporarily broken up, while he left the state for a period of drug clean up. She had married just after she turned 17, and had never had a chance to play the field. When she was divorced she spent too much time, working two jobs and taking car of two teens. This was her chance to get out and see what was out there. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Nobody, which is I think precisely why OP is taking his time. While I don't disagree with your sentiment overall, I do completely understand when someone isn't emotionally ready for a new relationship. From an outsider's perspective, it's easy to look at a situation and say, "you should be ready" but the only person who knows for sure is the person who is there in the moment. My wife left more than six months ago and there is no hope of reconciliation. Friends have given me similar advice - telling me to go out and meet new women asap. BUT I know for a fact that if I started a relationship right now, there would still be a lot of unresolved feelings toward my ex to work out and that would not be fair to me or to any potential partner. I would definitely need to take the same approach as chew and take baby steps. That's not quite "seize the day" the way you are advocating, but I do think that it is the only way I could make anything work right now. I think your spot on with this MR Barletta I agree with this totally and feel exactly the same myself, I have recently been going out and spending time with a local girl but the thought of any type of romance with her or anyone is a deffinite no goer for me right now, I am not emotionally or mentally ready to be in a relationship with anyone and don't know when or if I even could again I feel that damaged by this past 11 months. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I didnt mean you should fall in love tomorrow and I tried to edit the post after reading the text. I thought I read that you really liked her and wanting to take it to another level What I really meant was of course she "freindzoned" you. And of course you should take your time. However if I am adding 35 years plus 21, how much more of your life will you give to your x? I am not saying rush it, but i am a romantic and believe in life after "death" Just my opinion and I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Start dating other women. If she wants to be your friend, you can spend time with her and be open and honest about your dating experiences. If she start to get jealous, it will tell you if there is anything there to build on. If not, then distance yourself from her as she will only ever be a friend and you may need more than that now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Everyone else, So as I mentioned in an earlier post I think I am ready to move forward with the woman I have been spending time with So now what. Do I cut back my time with her and start pursuing other women? Actually I am not really ready to do that yet. Wait her out some more and continue the friendship? I do enjoy her company but there is a relationship imbalance if I want more then she does. After being with my wife 35 years I am really clueless. I think maybe I am still too insecure for dating at this point. But I do want to get started. This is what I was addressing. Specifically the "now what" question 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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