Am i the dumper or the dumped?

[Mandalorian]

Apologies that it is quite long and rambling Am I the dumper or was I dumped? Should I be trying to win her back? Did I do enough if I was the dumper?

 

 

 

We were both 35, we met online and were together for 14 months. I’d moved in with her for the last six weeks of our relationship after living for years and years with my father, but we were already spending up to half of the week together prior to this and we had been away on lots of holidays and trips together, plus just spent normal days at home, with no problems at all (in my eyes anyway). In my eyes she was wonderful, a dream come true and any time we spent together, doing anything, just flew by and we’d often told each other how lucky we were to have each other. We did so much together and we were best friends too. Everything was perfect I thought.

 

 

The reasons she gave for the breakup:

 

 

Me spending time with my family made her feel bad. Me and my family are very close knit and her and her family much less so (but still a really nice, cracking family). Although we had been together for 14 months there was still some of my family she was yet to meet (not out of choice from either of us, the family members she hadn’t met don’t like meeting new people and are socially awkward (my 93 year old nan and a 62 year old Aunt who lives with my nan)) and neither of us had met each others family more than a handful of times. She had known what my family were like from the very first time we met too, I had explained to her exactly what they were like and she had accepted it at the time. I was working on those she hadn’t met yet to meet her but I had to take the softly softly approach and you have to respect what they want don't you? Re. Time spent visiting my family, at times when I could have been with my partner, I would see my nan on Saturdays for 4 hours and following work on a Sunday I’d see my dad for half an hour. Whenever my ex and I planned anything for a Saturday though I would not visit my family and I'd happily be with her. On a lot of Saturdays she had to work at home completing reports so she wouldn’t have been able to be with me for hours anyway. On the night in question I had visited my nan instead of dad as she’d been alone all day (everybody else had gone away for the day) and the trouble started when I told my partner when I got home that dad hadn’t been in, so I’d popped to see nan.

 

 

 

Me texting my father saying I’d returned home safely from work (I’m a delivery driver so on the roads). She said this told her that I (and my father) didn’t trust her to let anybody know if I didn’t return. I only texted dad because I am close to him and he liked to know I was back safely. Absolutely nothing to do with trust! She’d already become my next of kin at work and who to contact if anything bad happened to me on the roads as well – hardly a lack of trust!) It was literally a 30 second thing too and I made sure to do it before I got in so it wouldn’t interfere between us in anyway.

 

We’d been to her nephew’s Christening at the end of a holiday away together and we stayed at her sister’s house for the Friday and Saturday, helping to get things sorted. The Sunday was also father’s day and I’d already told her that I would be able to go to the christening and some of the party, but that I would need to go after a couple of hours for a dinner I and my sister had planned for my father. I had offered to make the five hour around trip the next day to pick her up from her sisters to bring her home if she wanted to stay but she said she wanted to come back with me. During the break up she said I should have stayed there with her as Father’s day is every year and a Christening is only once. I told her that days like fathers day are very important to me and that anything could happen year from year and that I’d been to the most important thing about the day with her – the actual Christening! She said that was just childish and another sign for her that we weren’t compatible

 

 

This would have been our first Christmas together living together, but she wanted the day to revolve around us. I wanted that too, but I also wanted to see my family. I asked dad if he was ok if she was to join us and he was happy, but said that he’d like to see me separately on the day too for a couple of hours. Asking could I come over earlier and then her a bit later and we could have dinner all together etc. This was more to do with dad wanting things to be a little similar to what he is used to on the day (and embarrassment I suppose because there is usually a huge pile of pressies to open from lots of people). When I told her what dad suggested and that I thought it was a good idea, that I thought it was a good compromise and we would only not be together for a maximum of three hours, she took it that I didn’t want to spend Christmas with her which was never ever the case. I was so looking forward to Christmas with her

 

 

She was very upset and I couldn’t understand why she should be feeling this way and said that maybe I am not the right man for you. She asked me how could I think that as she’d asked me to move in with her and I said look at how upset you are at these things. That I can’t change who I am and that I love my family.

 

 

She asked if I saw her as family – I told her I saw her as becoming my family. She got very upset at this and said that it was the crux of the problem. That she already saw me as family and because I didn’t our values were too different to stay together! We had only been going out together for just over a year and although I could only see me being with her for the rest of my life, it still takes time to become family (when you get married or have children, that seals it for me).

 

 

She was adamant that we were over. I said I’d do whatever it takes to make us work because I love her. She said that I didn’t love her and that if I did, these issues would never have arose and our values would be the same. I said my values were the same and surely as couple we both bring our values to the table and we create a mix of values where we are both happy. But she said she couldn’t change her core thoughts on things.

I asked her then are we really through? She nodded and so I started looking to get my things together (it’s about 12 midnight now). She said to not go as I was tired (i’d been at work all day) and that she didn’t want me to go. I said that I could only stay there with her if there was an us but she just shook her head.

 

 

I decided to listen and stay (hoping that we could work it out too!) and stayed the night (in the spare bedroom) but couldn’t sleep at all and ended up downstairs on the sofa. In the morning when she came down I asked her why this was happening and she said that there was nothing I could do. I’m distraught and crying and I start packing. She again said that she doesn’t want me to go. I said again well what about us? That I can’t just be a housemate or something like that, living here was as a partner with you, but she didn’t reply and again shook her head.

 

 

I started packing and she made to leave and we hugged, both of us crying and I again said I’d do anything to make us work, as we were so good together and this was silly, but again she said there was nothing I can do. She left and I packed my things. I left various things she gave me (clothes) in a bin bag (I’d only bin bags to use for everything I was taking with me and I didn’t put two and two together about how it would look to her, that I was just rubbishing what she’d given me) and left her a note saying she could keep them or get rid of them as I could no longer use them without the pain being too much. After loading my car I found a gift on my windscreen she left, so thinking it was a olive branch I tried to ring her mobile but had no answer so texted her that I still wanted to work us out but I know that she didn’t. She replied saying there was nothing we could talk about to change it and that we’d have just been going around in circles.

The next day she had sorted all of the financial things out and I picked up the rest of my things. She chose not to be in but as I was leaving she drove past, we smiled at each other sadly and I blew her a kiss (like I did whenever I was leaving for work or what not). On the same day we had exchanged emails saying how sorry we were about what had happened and that we wished each other the best and we gave each other a huge list of things that made each of us happy during our time together. In each email I said I still wanted to work at things.

The following day I received an awful email from her, blaming me for everything. That I had let this happen. That I had broken us up that morning by leaving and how quickly I left showed her everything. That I was playing the victim, that I had strung her along and that I only thought I loved her, that the final kiss I had blown her was only meant to hurt her. That I should never contact her again so she could get on with her life.

 

I replied, saying she’d sent that because she just didn’t believe that I loved her. Then, the next day sent her another email saying how disgusted I was at her remarks, pointing out how many times I’d tried to find us a way to work on that night and the following morning, that if I’d seen anything from her I would have stayed, but she just never even showed me one glimmer of hope. Three days later she sent me an email apologising for her nasty email, that she’d been hoping I’d turn up and take her away somewhere so we could work at us, but that I’d have had to have been prepared for her to say no. She said that she had wanted us to work at our problems and she hadn’t wanted me to go, but she hadn’t wanted to sign post me in anyway to fix our issues.

Reading she had wanted to work at us for the very first time, I rang her and persuaded her to meet, with her saying at the end of the call that she hoped we could work something out. We met and I made a romantic gesture which she seemed to like (it involved flowers and notes in unusual places during a walk), but the wording in the final note about heading back towards ‘home’ (where we lived) sort of ended the goodness and she started saying she appreciated the gesture, but that she couldn’t change how she felt. I had one more note to give her with proposals about what I’d change for us (changing my job so we’d have more time together, seeing my family less but at the same time creating more occasions for us to meet (dinners etc), but it felt clear to me that I couldn’t give it her now). We spoke for a long time, but I was banging my head against a brick wall and after a final hug and more tears from both of us, she said she wouldn’t turn back as we were walking away from each other. During our conversation that night, she’d said a few things about my family in her eyes thinking bad about her because of what had happened and again that I never loved her and that I ‘d had everything I wanted with her (which was true!), but that i’d wanted even more by wanting to spend time with my family too All of that was going over and over in my mind and I sent her another email three days later telling her once again that I did love her and she was all I ever wanted, that people loved her but they were obviously upset about what has happened, but that they weren’t wishing her evil or anything. That as much as I wanted to be with her, I couldn’t just drop seeing my family as they were important to me. That the values she said she had, about creating a family and that family being the centre of the universe with everything revolving around them, was what I wanted in the future too, but I’m perhaps just a step or two behind, but that is what I wanted!

 

She replied, saying she felt as she did because she was scared of me rejecting her and that she felt me spending time with my family when I could be with her was me rejecting her. She also said that it was her problem and that my actions shouldn’t have made her feel insecure like that, it was just the culmination of everything (listed above). That I was a wonderful guy and that she was sorry that things hadn’t worked out between us. She still thought that me leaving on the day said it all, even though others (her family?) said that she should never have said there was nothing I could do to me repeatedly.

 

I decided to give it one last go, sending the proposals I’d planned to give her on the last night we met, she replied saying it was the most productive thing i’d done, but she was angry and that the time that had passed meant , that the hurt we’d each had had an effect and that she didn’t get me. To give her space to get her head sorted and she’d contact me and that it would be up to me if I’d respond.

 

I kept quiet. A week later she sent me an email saying that we had already been the best we could be together in her eyes. That she’d obviously remember that I was a great guy and that she wishes me all the best.

I replied telling her ok that i’m sorry that she thought that and didn’t want to try for us and asked her not to contact me again as I can’t take any more heartbreak. That I wished her so much goodness and that I hoped she’d be able to smile again. The moment I sent it my mind was saying why did I say don’t contact me again, I still love her! So I sent her one last email, saying I couldn’t end us like that. That i still love her and my feelings just can’t turn off like that and that if she reconsiders she knows where I am. I told her I was deleting all of the ways I can contact her but my email addy would always stay the same. That my love for her would fade in time but I would always wish her well even if she never does get back in touch.

 

Since then, (7 weeks ago), I’ve managed to stay NC from her. My driving job has seen me deliver to her road once (right across the road ) which was an absolute nightmare and just seeing the house made me want to contact her to get us to try again somehow, especially as she was in. I’ve had to drive through her town a fair few times too which has also been really bad and just has me wanting to be with her and to make everything good again...I’ve so far stayed strong though.

 

Everybody I’ve spoken to and explained absolutely everything about what has happened to (family, friends and a work colleague who had met her and whose view I perhaps take most interest in as they don’t sugar coat anything) have said that she was controlling, manipulative and what she was saying to me amounted to a form of mental abuse. That i’ve had a very lucky escape...

 

I can see things that she said to me showed she didn’t actually love me. For example - when we were supposedly happy together she had said that If I fall ill with something I could have avoided like a heart attack/stroke– I’m a big chap but had already lost over 100lbs before i met her and another 35lbs with her, then she wouldn’t stick around and be with me. And that if she wasn’t comfortable around my family in the future, she wouldn’t let our children (we’d spoken about children) meet them. I can also see that her complete lack of effort at making us work and not making even one token effort to save us shows that she didn’t love me. You don’t say things like this to someone you supposedly love do you? Or make no effort at all? Even when she sent me the horrible email (I know she sent it in pain and I forgave her), I never ever responded with anything bad, I have never to this day said a bad word against her either, because I loved her!

 

Love is blind though isn’t it? I didn’t see at the time what she was saying was out of order and it still takes time for those thoughts to get through the thinking about all of the good times thoughts now.

 

 

 

I KNOW i could have done things differently that would have made her happier, like not visit my nan as much and to just concentrate on us at Christmas to the exception of others like she wanted, but that would have only have hurt my family I also see so many other couples spending less time together than we ever did, visiting family & friends seperately, not being together as much as we were and not having any problems at all like me and my ex ended with I also KNOW i did things wrongly (like leaving the clothes she game me behind in the bin bag), that could have only hurt her which was never, ever my intention and I apologised for it when I realised how it could have been seen

 

 

Wondering if i did dump her as she said by leaving on that morning, or if she dumped me as others say and I often think, is really bugging me though and it’s something my mind tries to grasp onto as a reason for trying to save us (again!) when I think ‘did I dump her and I should be trying to win her back’... I’ve come up with a number of romantic ideas that she’d have liked when we were together, but I’ve managed to stay strong and not break NC in anyway since that last email.

 

 

Did I dump her by leaving that day? Should I still be trying to win her back but be prepared for her to say no still? Or is it that I was dumped as I originally thought and think a lot of the time and that I'm absolutely stupid to be giving her even time of day in my mind?

 

 

 

My mind is just going around and around, over the same things time and time again

 

 

I hope you can help!

[Mandalorian]

Crikey, it's even longer than I thought!

[xUnknown]

Crikey, it's even longer than I thought!

 

I would suggest summarizing the post..

[Mandalorian]

I would suggest summarizing the post..

 

Sorry! How about this?

 

We were both 35, we met online and were together for 14 months. I’d moved in with her for the last six weeks of our relationship after living for years and years with my father, but we were already spending up to half of the week together prior to this and we had been away on lots of holidays and trips together, plus just spent normal days at home, with no problems at all.

 

The reasons she gave for the breakup:

 

Me spending time with my family made her feel bad (about 4-5 hours during the week at the most in total).

Me texting my father saying I’d returned home safely from work. A 30 second thing!

Her unhappiness that seeing people on father's day and birthdays was important to me and that if something else important was planned on the same day I'd try everything I could to do both.

That I had agreed to spend three hours away from her on Christmas day.

That i didn't yet see her as family, even though she already saw me as family.

She believed that I didn't love her because of these things and that I didn't have the same values as her, while I know I had exactly the same values as her, even more so in some ways, it's just that I was further behind her (she was becoming family to me for example).

 

She gave me a huge list of all the things I did that made her happy and that she loved, but when I asked her, she said the above totally outweighed all of them. I also asked her about the family thing and said to her if i was already family to her - why was she just giving up on us like this? She just shrugged her shoulders

 

When were discussing what was happening, I told her I'd do anything to make us work and came up with various solutions and plans, but she was adamant that I couldn't do anything and that we were just going around in circles. She did say twice that she didn't want me to go, but both times I said to her that I could only stay if there was an us and she just said no/shook her head and said there was nothing else to talk about and I couldn't do anything.

 

After I left, she said how quickly I left told her everything and blamed me for everything in a horrible email. And also that I had left her and gave up on us by leaving that day. A few days later she sent another email saying she'd still been hoping I'd have tried to save us, but that I should have been prepared for her to still say no and that she'd now given up hope.

 

After realising she did want to try and make us work, I made two other attempts at getting us back on track but to no avail.

 

Since her last rejection, (7 weeks ago), I’ve managed to stay NC from her. Everybody I’ve spoken to and explained absolutely everything about what has happened to (family, friends and a work colleague who had met her and who doesn't sugar coat anything) have said that she was controlling, manipulative and what she was saying to me amounted to a form of mental abuse. That i’ve had a very lucky escape.

 

I can see things that she said to me, did and didn't do, showed she didn’t actually love me like I loved her. Love is blind though isn’t it? I've never said a bad or even a harsh word to her or about her, even in response to her nasty email.

 

Did I dump her by leaving that day as she said though? Or is it that I was dumped as I originally thought and think a lot of the time and that I'm absolutely stupid to be giving her even time of day in my mind?

 

I know we are over as much as I love her, but I'm just hoping for help in stopping my mind going around and around and thinking about her all day, all of the good times we enjoyed and what happened that brought us to an end. In some ways I wish one of us had an affair, it'd be easier to understand!

 

I hope it's a bit more readable this time, it just poured out in my first post

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through! Have you considered maybe trying to find a counselor to talk to about this situation? Maybe having someone objective would be helpful. Best of luck to you, friend.

 

~ the brie's cheese knees ~

Edited October 28, 2014 by tobrieornottobrie

[Mandalorian]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through! Have you considered maybe trying to find a counselor to talk to about this situation? Maybe having someone objective would be helpful. Best of luck to you, friend.

 

~ the brie's cheese knees ~

 

I have yes, listening to the work colleague I spoke about in my first post who doesn't sugar coat anything really helped which is why I've looked for a counselor. The ones I've found all seem to want/expect quite a few sessions though and I just can't afford so many at this moment in time. I am waiting for one counselor who didn't say anything about a group load of sessions though to get back to me when their diary is clearer - so fingers crossed in that regard.

 

Thankyou for the reply.

[tikay00]

Seriously, man. Cliffs notes.

[xUnknown]

This sounds much like my situation... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/496531-well-i-m-back#post5935426

 

I honestly don't even know if I am the dumper or dumpee... Part of me thinks i was the one that did the dumping (by issuing the ultimatum, but she was the one that answered) and, my gut tells me its what she wanted.

 

I think she more or less forced your hand... made you break up with her.

 

I made an attempt to talk to my ex a week later..she said she wasn't able to get to town. I left it at that. If she wanted to, she would, or, she'd reach out to me.

 

I think we're both in the same boat here. Technically, yes... but realistically, we aren't. We didn't want to...they did.