longjohn Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I work in an office and a new worker has been transferred in from another division directly under me however I'm not her technically her supervisor just in charge of training her. As the title suggests she's married and she's young, early 20's her husband is about my age in his early 30's. Here's where the issue arises. She's become friendly.. in a bit more than a professional way and she flirts a lot. She flirts more and more and quite openly when no one is around. I mean there's an undeniable difference in how she acts, her body posture and language is to other men vs me. Enough to a point where a few other coworkers have said "she likes you" or "are you and her... you know". Now I feel I should stop this and remind her that this is work. Yet I'm flattered by the attention. She's compared me to her husband a few times e.g. he's overweight whereas I'm lean and in shape (her words). He's failed to do x,y and z where I've achieved all of the above etc. You get the idea. I feel like she's eyeballing me and her husband and thinking this other guy (me) seems to be a better deal. Yet she's said "oh I love my husband" then go off subject and flit with me? I'll be honest I don't get it her husband is a big guy she's this small thing and very attractive. I'm well average height, I work out, I'm more or less paid for the neck up her husband is paid from the neck down. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Now I feel I should stop this and remind her that this is work. Yes, you should. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 If you're in such great shape you ought to be able to find a nice single girl to be with and not break up anyone's family or put your job possibly in jeopardy. If your co workers are already noticing this, you need to set her straight and pronto. So find an eligible woman to give you ego kibbles 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author longjohn Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 If you're in such great shape you ought to be able to find a nice single girl to be with and not break up anyone's family or put your job possibly in jeopardy. If your co workers are already noticing this, you need to set her straight and pronto. So find an eligible woman to give you ego kibbles Don't get me wrong I've absolutely no intention of breaking up anyone's family or relationship. I'm flattered by the attention of course but would I act on it? Never. I'm currently in a relationship and have made her aware of the fact that I'm taken. I do plan to put the young lady back on track professionally. Yes it is uncomfortable that coworkers have noticed. I should take responsibility on this one as I've most likely but not intentionally allowed this to get to this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 To me it's not even about "breaking a relationship or marriage" because in my mind it's for the married person to say "no", unless you have some kind of power over the mind. Getting involved, or keeping up with the flirting, however spells trouble. It's work, and I'd remind her of it before rumors start spreading or better yet she starts getting all psycho. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author longjohn Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 To me it's not even about "breaking a relationship or marriage" because in my mind it's for the married person to say "no", unless you have some kind of power over the mind. Getting involved, or keeping up with the flirting, however spells trouble. It's work, and I'd remind her of it before rumors start spreading or better yet she starts getting all psycho. Oh god how could I forget psycho. I'll remind her this is work. In fact I'll have my gf stop by sometime to ensure there's a physical reminder that I'm not interested, off the market and in a relationship already. I should note I did this a few years ago.. yes another married woman (older) flirted quite a bit. I thought it was harmless until my then wife stopped by then I noticed there was tension between them. My then wife knew I never said anything but she knew. Maybe it's me? Maybe I'm sending out the wrong signals at work? In all this will be the third time this has happened in the workplace with me and with a married coworker flirting. I always thought it was harmless as nothing ever happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Mention your girlfriend a lot. When she says her husband is fat, says something like "My girlfriend really doesn't care about my physical appearance" or if she says how are you, maybe toss a "Good! Had a great week end with my girlfriend". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author longjohn Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Mention your girlfriend a lot. When she says her husband is fat, says something like "My girlfriend really doesn't care about my physical appearance" or if she says how are you, maybe toss a "Good! Had a great week end with my girlfriend". I have.. right down to saying.. here look at me and my gf on my phone as a means to drop a large hint. Not once has she said here look at my husband and I. In fact it's been met with.. do you often go here or there.. I sometimes go here and here. On one hand I feel bad.. because yes the young lady is attractive and yes it is very flattering to get that kind of attention. On the other hand I feel bad for her husband and her. I can only assume there are some types of issues in their relationship. Anyway the workplace isn't the place to do these things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author longjohn Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 I told my coworker about my gf again, that I'm very happy with her. I bragged about her a bit and shown my coworker a few pictures and impressed upon her that I wasn't looking for anyone else. She seemed to understand and stated she and her husband where very happy and she loved him, they'd be together forever etc. Things seemed more normal and work like for a day or so. I thought finally she understands! Fast forward to yesterday and.. I'm back to the other "normal". She's tells me.. I look better than her husband, I'd like her father and brother. Tells me all about her family etc. Back to giggly, smiling, happy and very flirty! I've decided to have her transferred out to be trained by another staff member. I'm not sure what else to do other than put some physical distance between us. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 This is typical of men. When sexual harassment/inappropriate behavor happens to a man in the workplace it usually goes unreported because it's too embarrassing, while a woman would go to her HR or supervisor and place a complaint. I understand no guy wants to look like a wuss, but not addressing it is enabling the behavior Sending her off to another dept, is only moving the problem somewhere else. Grow a set and just tell her, he behavior is causing office gossip that you don't welcome, and should keep the work relationship as professional as possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 This is typical of men. When sexual harassment/inappropriate behavor happens to a man in the workplace it usually goes unreported because it's too embarrassing, while a woman would go to her HR or supervisor and place a complaint. I understand no guy wants to look like a wuss, but not addressing it is enabling the behavior I understand what you are saying, but it's not just that it is embarassing... it's that HR will usually favor the women even if they are the ones instigating. It's tough to bring up an issue like the one he has because it's a matter of belief versus a matter of what she might say as well. Imagine he goes to HR or brings it up to the appropriate people and she immediately counteracts with, "Well he touches me when we are alone and has said things to lead me on." All of a sudden, the tables are turned on the man, because that is what is "expected". Unfortunately, I've seen this happen more than once within the workplace. It can happen and it does. OP is in a REALLY bad position. I know it's just moving the problem somewhere else, but when it's your career and it's your livelihood and it's a matter of his word versus hers, you deal with it however you need to. What if he stands up to her and says something and HER reaction is to go to HR and accuse him of "harassment"? What then? I know in a black and white world, he could have that conversation, but I think he is dealing with it to the best of his ability. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 He has witnesses to her behavior, and there hasn't been any formal complaints against him in the past, and he's a long time employee, he wouldn't have a problem convincing them. HR isn't that narrow-minded. MY company has had to deal with such issues, and they don't side with the female. I have had to step in and confirm inappropriate behavior by female employees, three resulted in immediate dismissal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author longjohn Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 Not a chance would I take that to HR. HR is full of women, I feel like I'd be hung the second I spoke. I'm a long time employee, I've received many commendations over the years and have a spotless record plus I'm in a position of authority. I think this is nothing more than a younger lady that's developed a crush and moving her away to another dept. will separate her from her crush and most likely resolve the issue without any more fuss than is needed. I hate to do it but these things must be done. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 I guess it depends on culture, and company politics... Link to post Share on other sites
Author longjohn Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 I had the young lady transferred out about 3 months ago. She's physically in another building like 15 miles away. Yet she still texts and emails? I had to stop by her new office one day for a meeting and bumped into her outside the building. She seemed happy to see me and didn't understand why I didn't tell her I'd be stopping by. My presence was met by a quite welcoming hug. I tried to be nice and explained why I was there, talked for a few minutes then went about my business. This was about a month and a half ago. Just two weeks ago I was asked to join a couple of coworkers for a drink which I did and do from time to time. Unknown to me the same lady was there with.. her husband! No hugs this time around just hello and a hand shake then introduction to her husband. I make a point of talking to her husband and a point of bragging about my gf to all parties. After a period of time I get up and go to the toilet and unknown to me.. she follows me?!?.. Unknown at the time she texts me form the neighboring ladies room. Just silly things that I didn't see until I returned to my seat. She returns about 10 minutes later which is when I notice the texts. I then look at my phone then her and she smiles and giggles? I'd half a mind to tell her husband but I doubt he'd believe me or if he's noticed? I got the feeling from one other person at the table they'd picked up something was going on. Don't get me wrong this is very flattering but this young woman is married! She was married at like 19 and now in her early 20's I think she wants out and I won't be her exit strategy. Link to post Share on other sites
1040 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 (edited) If I were you, and reluctant to go to HR, I'd be documenting the hell out of all this. Print out the texts. Type it up whenever something occurs, get it notarized, put in a safety deposit box. Keep updating. A trick taught me by my attorney father. Be as distant and professional as you can. Don't be around her, especially in a closed room or on a trip. 6-12 months from now, if it continues, go to HR and tell them the story. If she starts accusing you of anything, pull out your sheaf of documentation. Then maybe she'll get fired. Tough situation, but fortunately people understand that nutty women exist. And that "welcoming hug?" You have to shut that right down. Can't be seen by others. Edited March 1, 2015 by 1040 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Fast forward to yesterday and.. I'm back to the other "normal". She's tells me.. I look better than her husband, I'd like her father and brother. Tells me all about her family etc. Back to giggly, smiling, happy and very flirty! . The next time she says something like this about her husband say, "Please don't talk to me that way about your husband. I find it very disrespectful to him and I would absolutely hate it if my gf talked this way about me to a co-worker." There is no reason whatsoever that you should feel bad for her. She knows what she's doing, she just wants attention. Shut her down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Want to know how to make her back off real quick? Threaten her with exposure and she'll run for the hills. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
1040 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 (edited) The more I think about this, the more I think you could have a real problem. Judging by your first post, this has been going on for 4+ months. If you get called into HR, they are going to ask how come you didn't shut this down the first day it happened. We know why; you liked the attention from a pretty girl. But it should have been easy to say, "X, you seem like a nice person, but this is a workplace and you are being way too friendly and flirty with me, even if you don't recognize it; please dial it back. Nothing is going to happen between you and me." But since you did not say to her in October or whenever that her behavior was not appropriate and unwelcome in the workplace, it is going to look like (and is, probably), that you wanted/encouraged it. It becomes murky. You have maybe painted yourself into a corner. Edited March 1, 2015 by 1040 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Don't get me wrong this is very flattering but this young woman is married! She was married at like 19 and now in her early 20's I think she wants out and I won't be her exit strategy. You should have shown the texts to her husband. Why don't you stop being flattered by her advances and tell her to f--- off. You see how disrespectful she is to her husband and yet you won't put her in her place. Link to post Share on other sites
GravityMan Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 1040 has a point, OP. (And I also agree about the documenting.) You should have professionally but firmly shut this whole thing down at the very beginning. Allowing it to fester this long (regardless of your feelings) is not going to be a good look for you if this gets escalated to your superiors and/or HR. I think there's a decent possibility that this could result in both you and her being terminated. Many companies don't mess around with this stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 1040 has a point, OP. (And I also agree about the documenting.) You should have professionally but firmly shut this whole thing down at the very beginning. Allowing it to fester this long (regardless of your feelings) is not going to be a good look for you if this gets escalated to your superiors and/or HR. I think there's a decent possibility that this could result in both you and her being terminated. Many companies don't mess around with this stuff. He has already refused to do this as the following post states: Not a chance would I take that to HR. HR is full of women, I feel like I'd be hung the second I spoke. I'm a long time employee, I've received many commendations over the years and have a spotless record plus I'm in a position of authority. I think this is nothing more than a younger lady that's developed a crush and moving her away to another dept. will separate her from her crush and most likely resolve the issue without any more fuss than is needed. I hate to do it but these things must be done. John what up? If you won't do anything about it, won't follow the normal advice that most would have taken, then what is the point of being here? Nothing is going to change unless you take appropriate action. You now have the evidence (texts/emails) you can go to HR. Do the right thing and stuff her behavior out. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Just ignore her. Eventually she'll get bored and stop. Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 (edited) The more I think about this, the more I think you could have a real problem. Judging by your first post, this has been going on for 4+ months. If you get called into HR, they are going to ask how come you didn't shut this down the first day it happened. We know why; you liked the attention from a pretty girl. But it should have been easy to say, "X, you seem like a nice person, but this is a workplace and you are being way too friendly and flirty with me, even if you don't recognize it; please dial it back. Nothing is going to happen between you and me." But since you did not say to her in October or whenever that her behavior was not appropriate and unwelcome in the workplace, it is going to look like (and is, probably), that you wanted/encouraged it. It becomes murky. You have maybe painted yourself into a corner. I agree. OP you say you won’t go to HR because women work in HR. That’s sexist. You keep whining about the flirting then in the next breath you say you’re flattered. Several times you said “Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered”. Well, I'm not "getting you wrong" ..........you need to stop stroking your ego (and who knows what else), get a grip (pardon the pun) and talk to HR or at least your supervisor. CYA!!!!!!!!! Other employees have noticed the nonsense and you can bet THEY are talking. All your commendations don't mean squat - you're playing with fire. You said they’ve made remarks about it. If you’re looking for magic words to make her stop flirting you won’t find them here. Stop going on and on about it and do something – OR let the chips dall where they may. Edited March 3, 2015 by applej4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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