Married but sufferring from crushes on other men!

[Emerald_11]

Hello, I came across this site when I was searching the web for help with my problem. I have been married for over 8 years now and we have two kids together. I love my husband very much. We have had our fair share of ups and downs in our relationship. At one point he moved out of the house for a little over a month due to our problems we were having that was about 4 years ago. Most of our issues stem from his drinking and being an angry drunk. There have been a couple times when it seemed like it could be over between us but we always worked things out and haven't had any issues for quite a while now. My husband works a lot out of town and it is normal for him to be gone during the week and home on weekends-sometimes. I don't get to see very much of him these days. Sometimes it seems like I am a single mom.

About a year ago my husband got arrested for DUI and had to stay in jail for two weeks. While he was locked up one night I was driving home after having dinner with some family and got a flat tire. I was stuck on the side of the road at night with two kids and a dog. I went to get the spare tire and realized it was flat too. I called a few people for help with no luck because all the tire shops were closed for the night. Then I had an idea I called a friend of my husbands because he had the same truck as mine and I asked him to borrow his spare tire. He immediately came to the rescue let me borrow his spare and changed it for me and everything. He was my hero that night. Now I have always thought this friend of my husbands was a cool guy but after that night I started to notice things about him I had never seen before & I found myself attracted to him. I realized that I have a crush on him. My husband was happy that his friend was there for me when he could not be. I will never tell him or my husband about the crush because it just isn't any of their business and could make things totally awkward. As a matter of fact I haven't told anyone about this for fear of judgment. Since then I have worked really hard to stop having inappropriate thoughts and feelings about this guy and feel that I have gotten that crush tamed down a lot but it is still there. So now this semester at school I met a guy in one of my classes who I have been getting to know a little bit here and there during class. We just make friendly small talk as I do with many of my other male and female classmates. The class is an hour long twice a week and most of the class is the instructor lecturing. One day about two weeks ago I showed up to class about 10 minutes early and he was there & we chatted a little mostly about what was going on in class among other things it was a really fun conversation and our jokes came naturally and we laughed and had a good time. I remember thinking during that class that I really had a lot in common with the guy and worried that my niceness might be misunderstood as me flirting with him- he is a good looking guy. Later I found myself thinking about him when I wasn't in class and realized that I have another crush! Since that realization I have tried sitting in a different spot in class but he still came & sat by me there. When class is over I usually just leave really quickly to avoid any eye contact or other conversations with him and I just make a bee line to my truck. I have been thinking about this guy and the way we get along interests we share and chemistry that we have at least once a day. I don't know him very well at all though. Then last Thursday he asked me for my phone number during class! I was flattered and happy that he likes me too. I was sort of caught off guard and looked at him dumfounded realizing that I never told him I was married. It just never came up. He seemed embarrassed that I didn't respond right away and he quickly changed the subject to something much lighter. I know that was my cue to tell him I am married but I feel bad that I missed it. After class I just said bye to everyone and left quickly. The guy seems to be single and he deserves someone who is unattached and it wouldn't be fair to my husband...So avoidance is my strategy. I think I can make it through this semester it is hard for me though.

My wedding ring is broken a diamond fell out leaving a sharp claw where it was that snags my clothes is scratchy. I have asked my husband several times to help me get it fixed or replaced for me so people will know I am married when they see it. There always seems to be something else more important to spend money on I guess. I told my husband later that night that a guy in my class asked for my number and maybe its time to get a ring on my finger again. My husbands response was something along the lines of he couldn't possibly be as cool as he is and someday eventually getting a new ring or fixing the broken one will happen but not anytime soon.

One of my hobbies I enjoy very much is snowboarding. I few years ago my husband hurt his knee at work and since then he does not like snowboarding much anymore because he says his knee hurts too much to enjoy it. This was a BIG bummer for me because if I could I would be at the mountain every chance I get. I have tried to go snowboarding with other friends of mine but hardly any of them can keep up with me and I end up teaching them how to snowboard all day instead of actually getting to challenge myself at all. I have been longing to meet a friend to go riding with of equal or greater skill level as I am at- ( I have been hitting the slopes since I was a child). I found out that the guy in my class is also an avid snowboarder he even showed me pictures on his phone and I suspect he is just as good if not better than me at snowboarding. Now I have been having weird daydream fantasies about going snowboarding with him and joking around having a great time. I feel like a terrible person for feeling attracted to other men, but they are just so darn attractive!-not only physically but also just really nice guys that could treat a lady very well. I I am only human and I am not a perfect person but having crushes on people while married is torture! Please, if anyone has any helpful suggestions or advice I would appreciate it!!

[Keke1]

It's very much natural to be attracted to other humans. The problem will be if you act on it. I like that you haven't fell to temptation though. I'm not married nor have I ever been but I'll say make sure all your decisions is with you and your kids health and well being in mind. It doesn't just affect you him and the other guy(s)

[Omei]

I think it's obvious you're unhappy

 

I do not understand why you support his behavior, you said he gets drunk and is a angry drunk and DUI's ? Why are you letting this guy be a model to your children? Worry about that more. I would not pick up my husband if he got a dui. "when I become a teen and drive drunk its okay mom will just pick me up like she did dad"

 

I'd have crushes on better men too if that was my husband its a no brainer there why you're having them.

 

I dont mean to be harsh but if your husband is an alcoholic I think you have more things to be concerned about then some silly crushes.

Edited October 28, 2014 by Omei

[Emerald_11]

Thank you for your responses.

I do realize that his drinking and the way he behaves when he is drinking has a lot to do with the feelings I have been having toward others.

 

 

I just want to clarify that I do not support my husbands drinking. Also I did not pick him up after he got the DUI. He went to jail about it for two weeks.

 

 

When he got out of jail he had to go to alcohol treatment & counseling. During that time I really was glad to see him make some real progress. After one of his meetings we had a really good conversation about how his drinking affects me and our kids. I pointed out some very valid examples from past experiences we share. He agreed with me that his drinking makes the kids and I not safe. As well as how dangerous it is to drive drunk and what could happen as a result of doing that. I let him know that I enjoy being around him way more when he is not drunk. He didn't drink for a few months after that but lately he has fallen back into old habits.

 

 

I do believe it has been quite some time since I have seen him completely sober. I think I just have been feeling really lonely because he works out of town so much and when he is home and drinking I miss him then too. When I try to talk to him about it he get really defensive. I really need to speak to him about it when he is sober. We have not been having problems or fighting lately but I know that is largely due to me not bringing up issues and just going with the flow so that we can keep calm & peace in the house. I don't want to antagonize him or start a war. My husband probably thinks everything is just fine.

 

 

My kids are my priority with any decision I make. I want my family to stay together and my kids to be raised with both of us in the same home. However, I am beginning to see the costs to myself in doing this and I secretly wonder if I could be happier if I were free to spend time with who ever I like.

I also know that no one is perfect including me and any person I may choose to be with will have flaws and they would eventually notice mine.

 

 

I don't like to give up on anything without giving it all I've got.

Edited October 28, 2014 by Emerald_11

[Omei]

Sorry I actually misread the story I thought you were driving to your husband when you got the flat tire.

 

I do think that its likely you're exhausted in this relationship sticking with this man through years of rough.

 

You just have to decide what you want more.

 

But I can tell you without a doubt there's a man out there who will love you who doesn't drink of course there is.

Edited October 29, 2014 by Omei

[Spectre]

It's very much natural to be attracted to other humans. The problem will be if you act on it. I like that you haven't fell to temptation though. I'm not married nor have I ever been but I'll say make sure all your decisions is with you and your kids health and well being in mind. It doesn't just affect you him and the other guy(s)

 

There is a difference between having a physical attraction to another person and having a crush. A crush implies feelings, not just physical. This is not normal for someone in a relationship.

 

I get the husband has a lot of issues and maybe they don't belong together, but crushing on the dudes friends and stuff? Isn't helping matters.

 

Also, I see a lot of other problems. This woman said it is not her husbands business she has a crush on his friend. That is CRAZY talk. I'd leave a woman for that thought alone. You don't want to do the right thing and tell him you wanted to f*ck his friend, fine, but do not ever say it is not your husbands business you are crushing on his friend.

 

So yeah I agree with the other poster, the crushes themselves are not the core issues. The alcoholism on your husbands part..the lack of respect for marriage on the OP's. Sorry, maybe it is not the friends business, but you don't EVER say it is not the man you married's business you are crushing on other dudes. Sorry, he is the only person it IS the business of. I could never stay married to a woman with your attitude.

Edited October 29, 2014 by Spectre

[Justanaverageguy]

Being attracted to other people outside your relationship is normal - everyone is at various stages. Its what you do with those feelings that matters. One thing I do know is within a specific age bracket Women are affected by these feelings of attraction more then at any other period in their life. During these years they are significantly more likely to be strongly attracted to other men outside their long term relationship and also more likely to cheat and start affairs.

 

So can I ask you a question : How old are you ?

 

Interested to see if you are currently in that bracket which is late 20's to early 30's (approx 27 - 33). Women go through a significant hormone change during those years when their sex drive kicks in and their body starts producing increased levels of testosterone. At lot of women have no idea this happens and thus no idea why they suddenly start feeling strongly attracted to other men outside their long term relationship during these years. More often then not they blame their existing partner for not fulfilling relationship needs and think thats why they suddenly find other men so attractive. The reality is women in this age bracket are just a lot hornier then any other time in their life. The roving eye they develop is caused by the hormones and often a reduced amount of sexual attraction they have for their existing partner because as we know that tends to dip in long term relationships over time.

[Dork Vader]

Go see a marriage therapist. specifically one that will deal with addictions. You start with calling your insurance and asking for a list of providers in your area.

 

If you don't your marriage is likely going to continue on a down hill spiral. His drinking will continue become more of an issue. It does not take much for alcohol abuse to turn into an alcohol addiction.

 

 

I'm in the process of heading off to rehab. I'm waiting on insurance approvals and what not. I can't even go 3 hours w/o a drink.

[CoolKids]

Did you just say that these crushes are none of your husband's business?

 

That's toxic thinking. You're already cheating on him and you don't know it. He needs to know that you're feeling inadequate and discuss your feelings. I'm sure you'll probably be afraid of his reaction. But there's nothing wrong with being attracted to other men.

 

There is DEFINITELY something wrong with keeping your husband in the dark about it.

[Emerald_11]

I told him right away when the guy in class asked me for my number.

 

 

What would be the point of telling him about his friend now that that has subsided?

 

 

Besides- My husband knows me better than anyone and he already picked up on something because he teased me about it once a while back. He is not in the dark.

[Emerald_11]

Being attracted to other people outside your relationship is normal - everyone is at various stages. Its what you do with those feelings that matters. One thing I do know is within a specific age bracket Women are affected by these feelings of attraction more then at any other period in their life. During these years they are significantly more likely to be strongly attracted to other men outside their long term relationship and also more likely to cheat and start affairs.

 

So can I ask you a question : How old are you ?

 

Interested to see if you are currently in that bracket which is late 20's to early 30's (approx 27 - 33). Women go through a significant hormone change during those years when their sex drive kicks in and their body starts producing increased levels of testosterone. At lot of women have no idea this happens and thus no idea why they suddenly start feeling strongly attracted to other men outside their long term relationship during these years. More often then not they blame their existing partner for not fulfilling relationship needs and think thats why they suddenly find other men so attractive. The reality is women in this age bracket are just a lot hornier then any other time in their life. The roving eye they develop is caused by the hormones and often a reduced amount of sexual attraction they have for their existing partner because as we know that tends to dip in long term relationships over time.

 

 

 

 

 

YES!! I am 34 so pretty close to the age bracket you outlined.. Thanks for posting this! I will totally research this topic.... Its true- I am a total sex maniac. I also believe that I am highly influenced by pheromones that other people emit.

 

 

Something else that has changed over the past two years I have gotten back into shape exercising (I am a very athletic person) and lost at least 55 pounds that I couldn't get to melt away because I had that horrible birth control device called the mirena. I hated that thing for many reasons so I had it removed after having it for about 3 years. I instantly felt much better..I like my hormones-I remember thinking one day after having it removed "WOW- I feel so ALIVE" I wanted to go outside & scream that at the top of my lungs!!

I got back to being me again-

 

 

I began rapidly losing weight and ever since then I crave sex A LOT more than I ever did when I had it. Since I had my 2nd child I did not feel good enough about they way I looked to wear bikinis or two piece bathing suits during the summer because after having my 2nd child I did not bounce back like I did after baby #1- but now I am much more confident about my body and much happier. I could totally rock a two piece or bikini now. I looked at old pictures from before I was ever pregnant and I feel like I have maintained very well through the years and aged well because I look pretty much the same.

Edited October 30, 2014 by Emerald_11

[Friskyone4u]

Emerald

 

The good thing about your situation is that you have recognized it as a problem before you acted on it. Anyone who is in a long term marriage and says they never met anyone they were attracted to other than their partner is probably in Disneyland. And you have done a pretty good job outlining why you feel more sexy and attractive to men so it is rational that the ego nibbles that you now can receive are intoxicating.

Now for the bad part. Your husbands drinking and not fulfilling your needs is starting you on the way to acting on your attractions to other men and while you told him about the guy asking you out, I would recommend you sit his ass down and tell him exactly what you need from him. If it's sex and more sex tell him that but give him the opportunity to react before you get yourself into a situation where you blow up your marriage. If he does not react, then divorce him.

If nothing changes, with him traveling for work and you having all this alone time, it will not be long before you find yourself in bed with other men. Some IC for you might help also. But if you just flat out tell him that your are finding yourself attracted to other men it might get his attention real fast:

[Spectre]

I told him right away when the guy in class asked me for my number.

 

Which is irrelevant given you are still lying.

 

What would be the point of telling him about his friend now that that has subsided?

 

The point would be..umm, honesty in a marriage? Doing the right thing? Not lying to your husband?

 

Besides- My husband knows me better than anyone and he already picked up on something because he teased me about it once a while back. He is not in the dark.

 

Yeah, please don't assume things. You assume he isn't in the dark, but it doesn't mean he knows everything he needs to know. Or if he DOES know his wife wanted to totally f*ck his friend and is okay with it? Shows how little he cares about the marriage. Plus hey, based on all you just said..there is no reason to NOT tell him everything. Not being in the dark and having 100% of the info are not the same thing.

 

But that isn't the point. The point is you said it was NOT HIS BUSINESS. That means you are not marriage material in my opinion. You can certainly sit there and come up with excuses why you shouldn't tell, but if you truly believe what you are spouting then just leave your husband already. How does any sane rational wife feel her wanting to hump her hubby's friend is not his business? What planet is this on?

 

I also need to point out being at a "horny stage" in your life is no excuse for crushing on other dudes while married. If you are so horny then bang your husband, don't lust after his friends that you call for help with a "flat tire". Which sounds like the beginning of a story I might write to Playboy or something.

[Emerald_11]

A couple years ago my husband had a crush on the girl who used to cut his hair. He would get a little too happy about getting haircuts. He would also tell his friends in front of me how hot she was --It was pretty hurtful for me because that was during my "fat days" and she is very pretty. I told him once that I really wasn't too happy about how he acted around her and talked to others about her- his excuse was well I'm just trying to help my single friends meet each other...& I'd be like oh please you are no cupid matchmaker and I told him I knew he had a crush on her and he admitted he thought she is pretty...The girl would come to our house to cut his hair and sometimes she cut mine also & our kids hair. One day my husband said he was going to her house for a haircut when I asked why he said well instead of money this time she wants me to fix some stuff around her house & I was like what? & he said "leaky pipes" but at first I thought he said he was going to clean her pipes!!! I told him absolutely NOT its gone TOO far now and you need to get a new stylist to cut your hair from now on. Its totally rude and out of line on her part to ask you to do that. I pointed out it was just an excuse to be alone. She should have called a plummer or handy man out of the phone book for that. (although my husband is handy around the house- he is only allowed to be handy for me/us at our house not for her!!!) He respected my wishes & does not have her cut his hair anymore. Every once in a while he will STILL bring it up and complain about his hair cut not being just how he likes it because apparently no one can cut his hair as good as she did....To me his hair looks just fine and handsome & almost the same every time. I just think he is being a whiner when he does that & I ignore it. SO I am not the only guilty party in this marriage!! He is human too see. BTW my husband is very attractive and I know lots of other women think so too.

Edited October 31, 2014 by Emerald_11

[NJ123]

A couple years ago my husband had a crush on the girl who used to cut his hair. He would get a little too happy about getting haircuts. He would also tell his friends in front of me how hot she was --It was pretty hurtful for me because that was during my "fat days" and she is very pretty. I told him once that I really wasn't too happy about how he acted around her and talked to others about her- his excuse was well I'm just trying to help my single friends meet each other...& I'd be like oh please you are no cupid matchmaker and I told him I knew he had a crush on her and he admitted he thought she is pretty...The girl would come to our house to cut his hair and sometimes she cut mine also & our kids hair. One day my husband said he was going to her house for a haircut when I asked why he said well instead of money this time she wants me to fix some stuff around her house & I was like what? & he said "leaky pipes" but at first I thought he said he was going to clean her pipes!!! I told him absolutely NOT its gone TOO far now and you need to get a new stylist to cut your hair from now on. Its totally rude and out of line on her part to ask you to do that. I pointed out it was just an excuse to be alone. She should have called a plummer or handy man out of the phone book for that. (although my husband is handy around the house- he is only allowed to be handy for me/us at our house not for her!!!) He respected my wishes & does not have her cut his hair anymore. Every once in a while he will STILL bring it up and complain about his hair cut not being just how he likes it because apparently no one can cut his hair as good as she did....To me his hair looks just fine and handsome & almost the same every time. I just think he is being a whiner when he does that & I ignore it. SO I am not the only guilty party in this marriage!! He is human too see. BTW my husband is very attractive and I know lots of other women think so too.

 

From this post, it seems like your having quite a bit of problems in your marriage. Seems that's why your starting to get crushes on other men, since your home life isn't as good as you want it to be. Maybe I'm wrong, but just the vibe I get.

 

Edit: So yeah, I read one of your previous posts & it seems I was right. Seems your only staying in this marriage for the sake of the kids & not wanting to break up your family.

[JS84]

He's not going to change, you've checked out of the marriage, and you're both just spinning your wheels going absolutely nowhere. Get a divorce.

 

And I'm not sure if you've brought up the "staying together for the sake of the kids" comment/speech yet, but two parents in a dysfunctional marriage cohabiting together is not always in the best interest of the children. Just something to think about.

Edited October 31, 2014 by JS84

[Emerald_11]

 

 

I know the story does sound like the beginning of a playboy story doesn't it? LOL!! My imagination definitely went a little wild....When these situations happen my husband is usually not available for me.

Also I want to add- for me it isn't just about sex. Yes I admit that is a factor- but I also secretly think it would be fun to just get to know these guys better. Hanging out and talking learning more about them and having deep meaningful conversations about life.

 

 

Although I know its wrong to do that when I am married and because I am married I would not put myself in any situation that could possibly lead to me being unfaithful to my husband. If I were to pursue anything with anyone else I would have to make sure my marriage is really over first. For me it should be all or nothing but I see how this stuff going on in my mind makes me incapable of giving my all....and I don't want it to be that way. That's why I found this site & began saying things I can't tell anyone!

My husband and I had a nice weekend together. It was great to see him in person and be able to touch him!! We talked about a lot of the things I have posted on here.

 

 

This crush problem of mine only began about a year ago, prior to that I only thought of my husband in that way. I see that it is due to his absences like when he was in jail or when he works out of town and my inability to touch him everyday. I told him about how I really liked & appreciated his friend helping me out with the tire. His response was a little strange--he told me about a time when he went to a bar to console his friend after finding out his gf cheated on him with their roommate and he dumped her because of it. He said his friend asked him how he got so lucky to find me -"an awesome wife". My husband told me that if he were to ever die he would not want me to be alone and would be ok with me being with this friend he has known for so long..I certainly did not see that coming!! I don't even want to think about my husband's death! I realize everyone dies someday and married couples need to plan ahead etc....

I just don't know what to think about his response................

Edited November 3, 2014 by Emerald_11

[Spectre]

To be honest I don't care what your husband did in the past. I mean, having crushes while married is wrong, but you were the one who said in a topic that it is not her husbands business that you wanted to f*ck his friend at one point. That is not wife material. You don't get that? That a real caring wife would never even think something so silly? You also try to blame your husband, like oh the crush only happened because he is in jail or out of town. Okay, get a dog or a cat to keep you company then, not his friend.

 

I also really do not like where your marriage is heading. First, you have crazy ideas about what a wife can or can't do while married. Second, your husband is equally crazy..telling you to get with his friend if he ever died. That is MESSED UP beyond belief.

 

You also don't want to think about your husbands death, but you are totally fine thinking about f*cking his friend.

[Justanaverageguy]

YES!! I am 34 so pretty close to the age bracket you outlined.. Thanks for posting this! I will totally research this topic.... Its true- I am a total sex maniac. I also believe that I am highly influenced by pheromones that other people emit.

 

 

Something else that has changed over the past two years I have gotten back into shape exercising (I am a very athletic person) and lost at least 55 pounds that I couldn't get to melt away because I had that horrible birth control device called the mirena. I hated that thing for many reasons so I had it removed after having it for about 3 years. I instantly felt much better..I like my hormones-I remember thinking one day after having it removed "WOW- I feel so ALIVE" I wanted to go outside & scream that at the top of my lungs!!

I got back to being me again-

 

 

I began rapidly losing weight and ever since then I crave sex A LOT more than I ever did when I had it.

 

OK you know it may sound weird but I was actually going ask if you had recently gone off birth control as well. Seriously. A lot of women are actually forced off birth control in this age bracket because the hormones that get released interfere with the birth control drugs and it can cause bad reactions in women. Terrible headaches ... strokes ... other nasty things.

 

Once they go off them it causes a pronounced affect of what I originally described. The new hormones - testosterone - the body is releasing is no longer counter balanced by the birth control and so it has an even stronger affect. Another thing that tends to happen is quite frequently in this age bracket despite the fact women get extremely horny .... they don't actually want to have sex with their husbands. In fact quite the opposite - a lot of women actually start to report feeling unattracted to their husbands which makes the feelings they have for other men even worse. Not sure if that fits with you or not.

 

Anyways If you have time I would recommend you read the book by Michelle Langley called Womens Infidelity. The title may sound scary but it is actually aimed at women like you around your age who suddenly start experiencing feelings for men outside their relationship. Some controversial views on some topics but has a lot of good advice on how to work through this period and understand why you are feeling the things you are.

[smackie9]

Emerald Your lusting is a symptom not the issue. Your marriage is in sorry shape, you are neglicted physically and emotionally, and compound that with his drinking, has made you use emotional affairs as an escape. Yes it is wrong to be emotionally intimate with someone outside of your marriage. It is addicting yes, and I'm glad you are here trying to adress it. This lusting is only a band-aid solution. This issues in your marriage will still be there, and as you pull away will nly worsen.

 

The best thing you can do is to go to some group AA meetings and learn what you can do about your husband and how to work through your loneliness. Sharing with other who are in the same situation can relieve you of this burden. Secondly you need to address this with your husband. If he refuses, try again. If he still won't get help, pack your bags and leave. If that doesn't make him see he needs help then find yourself a lawyer and get a trial separation. YOU DO HAVE OPTIONS but you need to take action.