3 Months No Contact...I want her back

[ohiosportsguy]

This is such a long story, but I will be brief. Had a very intense relationship with the most wonderful woman I could imagine. However, it had a lot of challenges..both of us coming out of separations and finalizing divorces. Both of us have kids we are primarily responsible for and very busy work schedules, etc.

 

It lasted about 6 months, with a few breaks throughout. I finally said that I couldn't do the on again, off again thing. She then broke off all communication three months ago and here we are 3 months of no contact later.

 

Neither one of us have made attempt to contact each other. The divorces are done, we are both settling into our new lives as single, divorced parents. I miss her more than I could ever imagine. I've dated other people but it honestly isn't the same.

 

I want to reach out to her, but I'm honestly scared. Since she broke off the communication, I have no reason to know why she did that or if there was someone else or if she was just scared.

 

Should I reach out and if so, what do I say. I honestly miss her so much and I think we are so great together. Honestly, I think she does to, I think she is just scared, she had an awful marriage and doesn't trust guys and didn't believe that 2 people could get a long as well as the 2 of us could. Thanks everyone! Advice is invaluable.

[cerridwen]

Reach out to her with very few expectations.

 

If she fresh out of "an awful marriage and doesn't trust guys," that's no small issue to get over. And it's only been 3 months.

 

It sounds like it was a volatile relationship.

If it was primarily founded on intensity / passion, it could have run its course,

but at the very least, you may get closure, which benefits you long-term.

 

Do you still have her phone number?

[ohiosportsguy]

I do have her number. I would not say volatile. We had wonderful times together, great memories, and have a lot of fun together. The volatility was her...we would be fine for a month or two, then she would disappear, but then come back and tell me she wanted a relationship. I was 100% committed, until I just couldn't do it anymore after the 4th time. It hurt too much, but now it hurts more because we aren't talking.

[cerridwen]

I do have her number. I would not say volatile. We had wonderful times together, great memories, and have a lot of fun together. The volatility was her...we would be fine for a month or two, then she would disappear, but then come back and tell me she wanted a relationship. I was 100% committed, until I just couldn't do it anymore after the 4th time. It hurt too much, but now it hurts more because we aren't talking.

 

I hear you.

The push-pull thing is painful, and not wholly surprising given that she has fear around relationships.

 

I don't agree the volatility was just her, however. I understand what you mean, but you were also a party to it.

While you didn't instigate it, you accepted it.

That only helps to perpetuate it.

So, my concern is that there hasn't been sufficient time for that dynamic to change.

But, if you are okay with it still being present, yes, reach out to her.

 

While a phone call would be preferable (allows you to gauge tone of voice, judge sincerity), maybe writing it out would feel less scary.

A letter would also allow her time to reflect, versus saying things in the moment over the phone.

And then there's a meet-up...

 

So, one option is to call, ask if she would be interested in getting coffee or lunch. If she says yes, I would suggest writing out what you feel /want to say before the date.

 

Second option is to lay it all out in writing beforehand and send the handwritten letter to her address. Make sure you KNOW that she's at the specific address. You'll kill yourself with fret waiting to hear back. So, ensure it's going to the right place.

 

Third option is to send your letter via email. Ending it with the request to meet if she's interested in rekindling or discussing things.

 

How do you feel about these options?

[ohiosportsguy]

Fortunately the "hurt" is mostly gone. I've just realized that since we have been NC, that we really had something special. She may not be ready or see it like I do and that is disappointing. I'm also not ready to give up trying on her. Even as I have dated, I don't think there is a day that has gone by she hasn't crossed my mind.

 

So the last time we talked, I wrote her an email that basically said, I really care about you a lot, I want a real relationship, but understand if you can't. I also told her that I would be here if she was ready for a true relationship. That was the last contact. Shortly after that she blocked me on facebook, but a month ago unblocked me.

 

So do I risk looking "desparate" if I go back again and ask her how she is doing and if she wants to get together? She is not good at expressing her feelings..and she admits it. So I don't think he would talk over the phone. So I'm left with an email or mailing a letter. I do have her last address, I think she is still there...and I also have her work address. What do I say?

[cerridwen]

So do I risk looking "desparate" if I go back again and ask her how she is doing and if she wants to get together? She is not good at expressing her feelings..and she admits it. So I don't think he would talk over the phone. So I'm left with an email or mailing a letter. I do have her last address, I think she is still there...and I also have her work address. What do I say?

 

IMO, yes, you risk looking desperate.

 

Even though she unblocked you, she still knows how you feel but hasn't made an effort to contact you.

 

That doesn't bode well. (And I'm sorry to be so negative. Usually, I try to be optimistic about such things.)

 

I'm sorry I'm muddying the waters, but I didn't know you'd left things as you had.

I'm backing away from the suggestion that you contact her.

You'd simply be reiterating what you'd said prior--and that does smack of desperation.

There's little indicating that she's interested. An invitation was extended and she's chosen to not accept it.

Her silence speaks volumes. I'm sorry.

 

If you don't want to give up, then at least give it more time.

Continue with NC and please try to detach more.

I can relate to wanting a reconciliation.

But sadly, only one person believing in the relationship isn't enough.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, I think contact is a horrible idea. You sent an e-mail already, ball is in her court. All you'll do by continuing to contact and pressure is turn her off more and keep yourself mired in this muck. The fact that you don't want to give up on her really doesn't matter if she's given up on you. You can't force someone to be with you who doesn't want to be.

[ohiosportsguy]

First, thanks for the replies. I guess I know that she probably isn't interested, but guess I am wondering more why? When we were together things were great...but she continued to get cold feet. Her friends didn't help..she told me that they didn't think she needed to be in a relationship and kept at her about it, but she would tell me how happy she was. Just confused.

 

It has been three months, I am just curious like most of us would be. Curious to know if she is figuring out herself, curious if she thinks about me, and if there is a chance.

 

After 15 years of a bad marriage, then to meet someone you connected with at all levels was something I never thought would happen. That has been the hardest part of letting go. I am not wanting to be the desperate type, so I will hold off...who knows, right?

[Simon Phoenix]

If they were that great for her, she wouldn't have left. Your perception and her perception probably weren't the same, which isn't rare.

 

She's not going to tell you that. People hate being blunt and sharing unpleasant things. For whatever reason it didn't take for her. You'll come to realize that the reason doesn't matter, just the result. You can't manipulate her or fix the way she feels. Feelings aren't based in logic.

 

It's natural to be curious, but scratching that itch will not only be counterproductive to your desire to get her back, but your ability to recover, evolve, and move forward. Ultimately, if there's a chance, she'll let you know. You chasing it won't do anything positive.

[ohiosportsguy]

Well..here's an update. Last night I received a totally unsolicited email from her. She said she was sorry for not contacting me for several months, had a lot of things she had to work on in her life. She admitted we have a great connection and that we can talk for hours. She thanked me for being there for her and also teaching her about relationships. Asked a number of questions about me and what is going on in my life. Updated me on her and some things that changed recently for her. Have to admit I'm scared a bit. What gives and why now? The hardest thing is it seems like when things get tough for her...she doesn't rely on anyone.That scares me getting back involved. How should I handle? I really want to see if we have a future..but so scared of being heartbroken again.

[SoThatHappened]

The relationship lasted 6 months with breaks in that small amount of time.

 

= Not a reliable relationship and not a good foundation from which you can build

 

She ghosted you and is just now sent a possible breadcrumb 3 months later.

 

I think you both need to stay single. You got together BEFORE divorces were finalized. You were on and off multiple times within a very short amount of time (6 months).

 

My advice is to tell her that you can't be anything with her (friends or lovers) until she is completely and 100% committed to being with you for good. Then just go completely dark until (A) she comes back or better yet (B) you find someone who makes you forget about her.

[ohiosportsguy]

Well...this has been an interesting week. So one week ago, the message came from her. Since then, we have exchanged email and texts. We are supposed to talk on the phone soon. I have to admit I'm nervous. It is so hard to explain...we can talk for hours. But I am also nervous and a bit scared. I do not want to get hurt again. There is also though this uncanny chemistry we have...but I don't know if she is capable of having a real relationship. I hope this isn't some ego thing or not wanting to feel guilty thing. When we get on the phone, what can I say to find out if her feelings are true and wants a real relationship?

[johnson_j]

Well...this has been an interesting week. So one week ago, the message came from her. Since then, we have exchanged email and texts. We are supposed to talk on the phone soon. I have to admit I'm nervous. It is so hard to explain...we can talk for hours. But I am also nervous and a bit scared. I do not want to get hurt again. There is also though this uncanny chemistry we have...but I don't know if she is capable of having a real relationship. I hope this isn't some ego thing or not wanting to feel guilty thing. When we get on the phone, what can I say to find out if her feelings are true and wants a real relationship?

 

I don't think you should talk to her. You're still emotionally invested.

 

 

It's just fine to be friends AFTER the relationship and emotions are 100%dead. IN this case, you risk being led on and hurt again. At this point it's going to be hard to back away, but I wouldn't talk to her on the phone, and just say something like

 

 

"I have a lot of respect and care for you X but I know this type of relationship isn't what I want or need. Once day when I'm able we can be friends and until then take good care of yourself".

 

 

Then you work on YOU.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Well...this has been an interesting week. So one week ago, the message came from her. Since then, we have exchanged email and texts. We are supposed to talk on the phone soon. I have to admit I'm nervous. It is so hard to explain...we can talk for hours. But I am also nervous and a bit scared. I do not want to get hurt again. There is also though this uncanny chemistry we have...but I don't know if she is capable of having a real relationship. I hope this isn't some ego thing or not wanting to feel guilty thing. When we get on the phone, what can I say to find out if her feelings are true and wants a real relationship?

 

Well, I see things a little differently than the other posters. I believe that for her to reach out to you after several months of NC in a respectful way (asking questions about you, updating you on her life and explaining she was working some things out about herself) is a sign she's at least interested in seeing where the relationship would go.

 

Why not meet with her for a casual date? I wouldn't ask questions about her feelings for you or where she thinks this is going over the phone.

 

I would save those kind of questions for when you meet so that when you ask them you can not only hear what she has to say, but also watch her body language when she responds.

 

Also, I'm not sure I'd ask questions about the future of the relationship on this meet up. If she's skittish after having had a bad marriage it may be easier for her to progress a little while in a relationship with you if you aren't questioning her about where the relationship is going.

 

Just maybe relax and have a few dates without pressuring her for something more serious or committed.

 

Take it a little more slowly than before if you are more comfortable with that so that you don't get hurt.

 

Imho, if you don't see this through with her you may always regret it. It sounds to me as if the two of you are both interested in the other. That kind of connection doesn't come along every day, don't throw it away because of fear or pride.

[Tabitha87]

I agree with LivingWaterPlease.

 

I too would suggest talking to her on the phone & allow her to initiate the questions. If the conversation gets boring, you can try talking about some of your common interests or something, but I would refrain from asking her questions about your relationship both in regards to the past and the future. If she asks you those type of questions, that's fine, but I'd try not to talk too much about it.

 

She may have broken up with you because she realized that you were correct in thinking she wasn't completely ready to get back into a serious relationship at that point & felt that she still needed to work/sort some things out in an attempt to spare both yours and her own feelings. Walking away may have been the best way she knew how to do that.

 

After the phone call, if you guys make plans to meet up, I would still hold off on initiating any talk about your relationship (past, present & future). I would suggest going on a few dates before deciding if this relationship is what both of you still want.

 

Hopefully it works out this time around though, assuming that that's where you guys decide this is headed.

[ohiosportsguy]

So.....is this where I get the fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me speech?? So we talked again starting Nov. 1st, met, dated several times, talked about the challenges the first time we both experienced. Everything clicked again. Told her how I was scared to get involved she would hurt me again. Since November 1st, everything was perfect. We got romantically involved heavily again.

 

Then it happenend...during a date, the night we exchanged presents this past Tuesday. Things got weird for some reason..she started with bad body language, not talking, etc, rushing me out the door. I have no idea why..something I did, something I said, she got cold feet again...who knows. She almost completely withdrew again. Wednesday, Thursday...just a complete 360! Then nothing. I can't figure it out. Why come back, get involved again, tell me it won't be like the last time and COMPLETELY the same thing again!

 

Maybe it is me? Who knows...but I boxed up all the Christmas presents she bought me and I'm mailing them back to her tomorrow. Fed up, frustrated, and trying to forget another painful ending!

[dravas18]

but I boxed up all the Christmas presents she bought me and I'm mailing them back to her tomorrow. Fed up, frustrated, and trying to forget another painful ending!

 

This is a mistake, a game. Don't return gifts, it is immature and does no good in the end.

 

Just calm down a little instead, take a few days... I wish I would have before I lost my girlfriend for good.

[ohiosportsguy]

Well...I haven't sent anything. I did send her an email yesterday asking what the problem is. Her issue is really she was hurt so bad by her ex, she has a very big difficulty talking about her feelings and fear of retaliation. I've heard nothing from her...not a surprise, probably won't. I was very kind, I simply asked what was wrong or what I did.

 

I just don't get it. You buy someone things and then go cold? How does one do that? Is that normal girls?

[Ieris]

No it isn't normal, she clearly has some issues to deal with so don't take it too personally. I suggest you move on and stop waiting for things to change because it isn't going to happen anytime soon. How many more times do you want to go through this? No more I hope... x

[ohiosportsguy]

I just hate to give up on something. When we are together and dating....things are wonderful. But she just can't communicate. Even if she got cold feet or I said something that upset her...why can't you be an adult and communicate that? Seems easy, right? Just going cold turkey is ridiculous and childish for a 34 year old woman.

 

What goes through a person's mind who plays these games? That is all I want to know and why this time, what did I do or what caused this.

[Simon Phoenix]

I just hate to give up on something. When we are together and dating....things are wonderful. But she just can't communicate. Even if she got cold feet or I said something that upset her...why can't you be an adult and communicate that? Seems easy, right? Just going cold turkey is ridiculous and childish for a 34 year old woman.

 

What goes through a person's mind who plays these games? That is all I want to know and why this time, what did I do or what caused this.

 

You didn't do s--t except that you keep enabling her behavior by sucking back to try to salvage something that's broken. This is a pattern and it's going to remain a pattern because you don't have the self-control or good sense to leave it alone. It's time for you to leave it be. The more you try to "fix" this, the more you enable her behavior. So stop.

[ohiosportsguy]

It is so hard because we have a really strong physical and personal connection. However, she can't maintain her feelings for some reason. That is the missing piece--why? Is it me? I'm starting to think it is.

 

All that, you are right. I need to block her, delete her number, send back the presents, and go on other dates. That is the only way to get over her.

[Simon Phoenix]

It is so hard because we have a really strong physical and personal connection. However, she can't maintain her feelings for some reason. That is the missing piece--why? Is it me? I'm starting to think it is.

 

All that, you are right. I need to block her, delete her number, send back the presents, and go on other dates. That is the only way to get over her.

 

Keep the presents, exchange them at the store for something else, or re-gift them and give them to someone else, even charity. Don't send them back to her, that's overdramatic and comes off as petty. And forget dating until you heal from this. It's not fair to you and the people you date to try to date before you've recovered. And stop asking why. If you knew the answer, then what? It's not like you are going to be able to argue or manipulate her into changing her mind and even if you could, would you really want to have to force someone to love you?

[ohiosportsguy]

So here is her response to my email asking her what was wrong:

I did have a great Christmas, and I hope you did as well. I am sure your uninterrupted weekend with the kids was nice.

 

As usual, you know me well and were right. I'm not sure what happened, but something was just off on Tuesday for me. I don't know if it was just a combination of me over stressed about the holidays or because I was getting sick, but something changed. I didn't like the way I acted on Tuesday and our chemistry seemed off. We were both sarcastic with each other. It was not one specific comment or thing- it was just a combination of little things that made me realize I needed to step back and really think.

 

I spent the weekend relaxing and just spending time with (her son) and thinking about things. While I realized we have a great connection and have fun hanging out together - there is just something off. While I have fun together and there is no denying we have feelings for each other, I just don't see us together long term. Maybe it is the age difference, but I feel like we are on two different paths. While we both can set that aside and have fun together a night or two a week, the reality is we each have different lives the rest of the week. I feel like what I am looking for in a future spouse and what you are are different. Some of it maybe just the timing, I realized on Saturday that that was the first time since beginning of November that I had time to myself. I need that time to get things done - but the hard part with my schedule the way it is is that is also the only time I can go out. I feel like in the past week of seeing each other Thursday, Sunday and Tuesday and the countless texts outlining what we are each doing at every moment might have just smothered me. I realize that that is what "normal" people do, but as we know my life is not normal. I know I am too independent, and I realize that more now than ever. I also have realized that the only time I can get anything done is my day off because (her son) is such a bad sleeper this past month or two. I just need to be selfish and focus on me and him for the next several months with this surgery coming up. I don't want to take time away from him for a relationship that I don't see lasting long term.

 

I really think you are a great guy, but I know I can not give you the time and attention you want and deserve out of a relationship. I know that I reached back out to you months ago and I honestly thought I could, but something just isn't right for me and I have to acknowledge that. I have prayed a lot about it and will continue to try to figure it out. I know I will continue to think of you often and will miss the great times together. Please do not hate me, I really do not want to hurt you.

 

XXXX

 

So thoughts....is she just crazy??

[BC1980]

It is so hard because we have a really strong physical and personal connection. However, she can't maintain her feelings for some reason. That is the missing piece--why? Is it me? I'm starting to think it is.

 

Everyone says that they have such a great connection. That it's somehow "different." And you are saying she can't maintain the connection, so that says a lot.