Girlfriend of 5 years...Cheated.

[Niko 2021]

I’ll try not to type a huge wall of text, please bear with me, this gets a little intense. I have made recent posts about her where I talk about her maybe having biopolar depression/sociopath issues. We are both in our mid 20’s. Long story short, we were together 5 years. A year after we met, we moved in together. We lived together for 3 years and graduated college, and a year we lived apart. I went back home after graduation for a month, but when I bought a ticket back to her, she told me to return it, that she’s broken inside, and to wait till she feels better to come back (this is key later on). Months passed, I then took a job in my home state and was either trying to move back to her or trying to move her to me. Either way, we both still agreed to continue the relationship. But, she was cold hearted. No communication other than a few texts. I did visit every few months, but things were still cold. She would have aggression towards me whenever I brought up our relationship issues on webcam, honestly made me feel emasculated. She would say how I am the girl because I’m the one who’s fighting. Each time, she apologized, and said she loves me and doesn’t know why she’s messed up emotionally. This was summer 2013.

 

I’ll do my best not to break down, but two weeks ago, I travelled again to see her again across the country where we used to live together. It has been a while, but I was glad to see her, but she obviously was not. It was a short trip, and she did not express anything emotional towards me. This time was different. No hugs, kisses, cuddling, holding hands, sex, nothing. The trip was uneventful, even after not seeing each other for 6 months. On my last day there, she was at work. My laptop wouldn’t connect to the Wi-Fi, so I thought id use my old laptop that I had left there (that she uses as well) When I opened it up, her picture library was open. At first, I saw old pictures of us, I kept scrolling down to take a trip on memory lane. Then I approached the newer photos. These photos were intimate photos she had taken of herself that I have not seen before. There were some intimate videos of her too. I started to get very anxious. I scrolled down more, and I begin to see screenshots of sexual messaging between her and other guy(s). Then I came across 3 videos. These videos were called her "confessions." They were about 10 minutes long each. In each video, she talks about this guy, who she met while she was with friends as soon as I left after graduation, and describes their time together, and how there lovemaking was “amazing” and how she misses him. I couldn’t even listen to the videos entirely I was breaking down. They were videos for him, her telling him what a great time they've had, and how much she loves him.

 

I immediately texted her while she was at work. I asked her if she has been cheating on me, she says “no of course not.” I then sent her some of her screenshots that she saved, and I paraphrased a few lines from her video. Her exact response text was “ah, the computer. I’ll take ya to the airport when I get off of work.” How can she be so heartless, remorseless, no apology, no explanation, just ah the computer??? I asked her why have you been cheating on me, she said “yeah I ventured, you never knew, I tried to feel something for you again, I thought seeing you would help, but it didn’t, so go find your wife and start a family, because it’s not with me”

 

That’s when I lost it. That’s when everything came crashing down. The girl who I was about to propose to, leave my well paying job for, and move back to, cheated on me…sexually and emotionally. It started over a year ago. From what I heard from her video, she fell in love with her one night stand, but he just wanted fwb. So she’s crying in the videos. That’s why I guess she held on to me, and why she didn’t want me to come back right away, a year ago when this first happened.. I found a screenshot of a text from this guy, which stated that she just loved the way he F’d her. I dont know how long they've been doing this behind my back, or if there are more guys. I asked her, she said only one, but yeah, she's obviously a liar.

 

When she came home, I packed all my things, everything I had left there, and got to her car quickly. I wished I called a cab in hindsight, because this car ride was a nightmare just waiting to unfold. This girl, the girl I was with for 5 years, girl I wanted to marry, girl I saved up a small sum of money to move back to…Is just singing along to the radio??? Acting like nothing has happened, happy tone of voice, nothing fazed her?? I started to confront her about it. I said “why couldn’t you have told me? I asked you two weeks ago before we planned this trip if you’ve cheated on me, or if there was someone else. Why did you lie to me?” Her response… and I’ll never forget this as long as I live, was, in a nonchalant voice with a slight smile, “you know I don’t have a conscience” I almost died inside. She then proceeded to name people who knew about it (yeah that helped). She said she was tired of me, bored with me, started to hate me. And yeah, I wasn’t a great boyfriend, I did get complacent, I was a little emotionally abusive, and I was controlling because I didn’t like her having so much guy friends, and I was right to be .One of the screenshots I found was of her talking intimately with her best friend, whom I trusted her with. The way she acted is what I would describe a sociopath, only now I have more evidence.

 

When we got to the airport, she asked if I wanted her to walk me in, I said no, got my things, and that’s the last I saw of her. I got drunk in the airport, drunk on the plane ride home, and even more drunk when I got home. I still cant deal with this. It has been a week since I got back, and no I have not contacted her at all. But you’ve guessed it, I’m doing miserable. The worst pain I have ever felt, I cant sleep, I’m relying on alcohol (im not a huge drinker), I’m doing all of the right things, but I can’t bear the pain of her having sex with another guy, I just cant. I don’t want to sink lower. I was so in denial. It was my birthday a few weeks before this trip, she forgot. Didn’t hear from her the day before my birthday, or the day of my birthday at all. I texted her the day after confronting her about it, she said “sorry she was busy” I then confronted her again, she texted “then find someone who can remember your birthday, god!” That should’ve been a red flag for me. In her confession video, she mentioned how she would send the guy naked pictures of her for his birthday, and that he doesn’t have to look at them if he doesn’t want to. All the signs were there, but I believed her, she said she wasn’t cheating on me, she said she was faithful and that I should trust her, she said all these things just a few weeks ago. Now here I am, probably going to have trust issues for who knows how long. How can she act so cold, so emotionless, and without any remorse for what she’s done, and for lying to me for over a year?? According to the timeline, I visited her 4 times after she first cheated, I’m not sure if I should get ‘checked out”, but I feel fine? Thank you for reading. This is killing me, I can’t make sense of this. I don’t know what to do now…She hasn’t contacted me yet, even to apologize. I’m keeping up my NC, but I only hope I’m that strong. I go through so many moods a day, when I get depressed, all I want to do is take her back and forget about this, but I know I have to be strong. This relationship is over, and it probably was a while ago, I just want this pain to end.

Edited October 28, 2014 by Niko 2021

[Me96]

Dang. That's heavy. I know it hurts a lot right now, but I'm sure you realize that, logically, she does not sound worthy enough to cry over.

[NJ123]

My God, just reading that was horrible enough, I could only imagine how you feel actually going through that. You should look at the bright side of things though, you dodged a bullet with this girl. Imagine marrying & having a kid with this girl? Your life would have been a living hell. She sounds like she has anti-social personality disorder. In time you'll find a great girl who will treat you right, not this woman who will never have a good relationship with anyone.

[Niko 2021]

I almost lost it all, almost left my job, my family, my life in my home state, just so I can be with her to have what we had years ago when we lived together, and if I had found out while I was there, I would've been screwed even more. This hurts.

[ExpatInItaly]

Goodness. What a terrible experience, OP. I'm sorry you're in this position; I can't imagine the pain you're going through right now.

 

She isn't playing with a full deck. The way you've described it, she seriously lacks empathy and insight. (not to mention maturity, poise, etc, etc) Something is off, and unfortunately you're feeling the burden of that right now. Hard as it is, you will eventually begin to feel better. In the meantime, talk to people you trust. Write on here. Allow yourself to feel the pain because you will need to do so in order to start healing. Whatever you do, do not get in touch with her. That will only make it worse, because you'll have to deal with her callousness all over again.

 

As for getting "checked out", I assume you mean tested for STIs? If so, then yes, it's a good idea. Many people feel fine and don't realize they've been exposed to something.

[Me96]

In time you'll find a great girl who will treat you right, not this woman who will never have a good relationship with anyone.

 

Exactly. Hopefully that can make you feel at least a little bit better. There's no way she'll have a good relationship with anyone without getting help.

[Seeker12]

It hurts, i know how it hurts and most other people here must do too. This is a very heavy situation, it feels like your heart is literally ripping, you will be like this mate for a few days, but youll come back stronger trust me. Take it day by day, dont look forward a month or even a week.

 

To be honest mate, i vouch for what other people say about you dodging a bullet, in a way its good this happened now, she was clearly emotionally just using you, as she even gave up on the physical aspect of the relationship. It would have killed if you found this out in marriage etc or even after you had left everything for this girl. The days are dark right now, but very soon youll realise how bright they become. Get in touch with a mate/friend/associate who you can trust, and who you can pour your heart out too, youll need conversation.

 

I can HONESTLY say, in your situation, you deserve way, way WAAAAY better.

[Poppyolive]

Hugs. This is the worst. This is so sad. She's one messed up individual. Frankly, you've dodged a bullet!! You may not see that now, but in time you will.

 

Hey, do yourself a favour and lay off the booze. It will only prolong your pain & make you feel worse. You need to go through this. Write, go to the gym, find an awesome therapist to help you work through this.

 

Her actions and behaviour are only a ****ttty reflection on her. Not you. Remember that. You will be OK.

[sagamore]

God, I had a chilling moment like this once with a guy. With the nonchalant voice and the faint smile...

 

We had gone out for drinks. He was a lot bigger than I am, and every time I went to the ladies room, my drink was magically refilled and waiting for me. He took me home. I couldn't walk so he carried me up to his apartment. From there it gets hazy. I thought I had said no, but couldn't remember whether we had had sex anyway.

 

The next morning I woke up in a world of pain. He was already up, fully dressed, sipping a cup of coffee. I turned to him and asked, "what happened?" And then, in that high pitched sing-song voice, with a sweet smile, he turned to me and squealed, "No, no, this is wrong! No, no, I don't want to do this!"

 

He was mocking my attempt to refuse consent. Chilling. I felt like complete sh*t. But you know what? 15 years later that man pulled a gun on his wife. I quite literally dodged a bullet.

 

And so have you. Congratulations. It hurts now but you're alive, and free.

[SoThatHappened]

I almost lost it all, almost left my job, my family, my life in my home state, just so I can be with her to have what we had years ago when we lived together, and if I had found out while I was there, I would've been screwed even more. This hurts.

Ouch, man. Ouch.

 

I feel for ya. What a psycho.

 

Nothing hurts as much as a broken heart, and she metaphorically ripped yours out of your chest and threw it in a blender.

 

Nothing anyone (us, family, friends) can say or do really does much to help with the pain, especially when it's as fresh as yours is. However, this community will provide great advice, so use it as much as possible.

 

You still have your heart, which WILL heal in time. Months of NC and self-improvement are priorities #1 and #1, respectively.

 

Right now, every second of your life is consumed with this. In a month, it will be every 30 seconds. In 6 months, it'll be every hour. In a year, it'll be a couple times a day. See where I'm going?

 

I bolded the "almost" in the quote because that's the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

 

You almost married a nut-job. You almost, possibly, had kids with a sociopath. But you DIDN'T. That's the most important thing.

 

Your heart will heal, but the silver lining for right now is that you didn't get married or have kids with that P.O.S.

 

Keep your head up and keep coming here.

[Niko 2021]

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for your replies. I have been waiting for days to post this, but I didn't have enough courage to do so without losing it. I barely did today.

[Niko 2021]

My God, just reading that was horrible enough, I could only imagine how you feel actually going through that. You should look at the bright side of things though, you dodged a bullet with this girl. Imagine marrying & having a kid with this girl? Your life would have been a living hell. She sounds like she has anti-social personality disorder. In time you'll find a great girl who will treat you right, not this woman who will never have a good relationship with anyone.

Thank you for replying. She does have anti social traits. She's outcasted by most of her family, she has never fit in anywhere, and originally, that's what I liked about her. But she always felt inferior to other girls who went out partying, or had a big group of friends. She never fit in anywhere (her words) and I tried to be everything for her. But instead she ripped my heart out.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, your story speaks very specifically to me. My ex was in her mid-20's also and the cruel, narcissistic, manipulative behavior she embodied at the end of our relationship coupled with the uncovering of her being with another man put me in a very similar place as you.

 

Feel free to read my story:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/475379-gigs-what-happened

 

I'm now 8 months NC. It still hurts. I still don't fully understand what happened. But I know this: the person she is now is NOT the person I knew.

 

Honestly, I think a lot of it has to do with emotional immaturity. I suspect these women, when they're 39 years old, will look back on their actions with a deep pang of regret. Does that mean we'll ever get an apology? No. Someone will, though---I do believe that. If these women ever wish to have a healthy relationship with a man again, they will have to come to terms in a very real way with what they did. And someone will need to hear their confession.

 

In the meantime, let's focus on you. You will get through this, I promise you. Stay on LS, write your feelings, read other people's stories. Educate yourself. I've learned so much from being on here. Talk to people who care about you. Use this as a way of getting closer emotionally to people who do care about you. What else? Walks helped me a lot in the beginning. I had trouble focusing on anything else. Do nice things for yourself. Date yourself! Take yourself out for a nice dinner, a massage, a movie---whatever strikes your fancy. Gradually find new outlets. Things which are helpful and improve your life. And...be OK with submitting entirely to the pain of this thing. You've been dealt a terrible blow. Suffer it. Cry. Make yourself cry. Destroy something of little value. Rage. Write. Get the poison out. It will be in you for a long time. And of course follow NC religiously. Within NC, be sure to abstain from checking her social media. I'm sorry but SHE IS DEAD. Always remember that. Promise yourself that this cycle of hate and poison that she birthed will die in you. You will destroy this thing and in its place foster love, trust, vigor and life. This is your revenge.

 

Remember that you did nothing wrong. You did nothing to deserve this. This is about her. You cannot help her. Do not think about her. Focus only on yourself. You will get through this and be a better person.

 

I promise.

[Niko 2021]

OP, your story speaks very specifically to me. My ex was in her mid-20's also and the cruel, narcissistic, manipulative behavior she embodied at the end of our relationship coupled with the uncovering of her being with another man put me in a very similar place as you.

 

Feel free to read my story:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/475379-gigs-what-happened

 

I'm now 8 months NC. It still hurts. I still don't fully understand what happened. But I know this: the person she is now is NOT the person I knew.

 

Honestly, I think a lot of it has to do with emotional immaturity. I suspect these women, when they're 39 years old, will look back on their actions with a deep pang of regret. Does that mean we'll ever get an apology? No. Someone will, though---I do believe that. If these women ever wish to have a healthy relationship with a man again, they will have to come to terms in a very real way with what they did. And someone will need to hear their confession.

 

In the meantime, let's focus on you. You will get through this, I promise you. Stay on LS, write your feelings, read other people's stories. Educate yourself. I've learned so much from being on here. Talk to people who care about you. Use this as a way of getting closer emotionally to people who do care about you. What else? Walks helped me a lot in the beginning. I had trouble focusing on anything else. Do nice things for yourself. Date yourself! Take yourself out for a nice dinner, a massage, a movie---whatever strikes your fancy. Gradually find new outlets. Things which are helpful and improve your life. And...be OK with submitting entirely to the pain of this thing. You've been dealt a terrible blow. Suffer it. Cry. Make yourself cry. Destroy something of little value. Rage. Write. Get the poison out. It will be in you for a long time. And of course follow NC religiously. Within NC, be sure to abstain from checking her social media. I'm sorry but SHE IS DEAD. Always remember that. Promise yourself that this cycle of hate and poison that she birthed will die in you. You will destroy this thing and in its place foster love, trust, vigor and life. This is your revenge.

 

Remember that you did nothing wrong. You did nothing to deserve this. This is about her. You cannot help her. Do not think about her. Focus only on yourself. You will get through this and be a better person.

 

I promise.

Thank you so much for replying. This passed year i've been depressed over her because of her emotional manipulation. One thing I always told myself was that I was in love with someone who doesn't exist anymore. But I stayed hoping for the best. She's changed completely, or maybe she was always that person, but it never showed itself because she was infatuated with me. Either way, I can't even begin to tell everyone who replied how grateful I am for your support. I have lost a lot of friends over her, and now I'm left with only one close friend, and my family. And as for "dating myself" I never heard that phrase before, but it does sound nice. It's not the fact that we broke up, the cheating is bad, but what's worse, is the way she treated me after.

Edited October 28, 2014 by Niko 2021

[SycamoreCircle]

One thing that steadily tripped me up were incessant streams of dialogue running through my head. I wouldn't stop turning our words over and over, like a homeless man who talks to himself. They say talk to yourself as you would talk to a new lover. In other words, compliment yourself throughout the day. Make yourself feel good about yourself.

 

Yes, the loss of friends hurts. But as my mother says, "people don't think about you nearly as much as you think they do." Meaning---all the rumors and ill thoughts we suspect are being circulated about us probably don't match our fears.

 

In the end, people will judge you for the way you treated them, not your girlfriend. And most people tend towards cowardly behavior, anyway.

[Niko 2021]

Ouch, man. Ouch.

 

I feel for ya. What a psycho.

 

Nothing hurts as much as a broken heart, and she metaphorically ripped yours out of your chest and threw it in a blender.

 

Nothing anyone (us, family, friends) can say or do really does much to help with the pain, especially when it's as fresh as yours is. However, this community will provide great advice, so use it as much as possible.

 

You still have your heart, which WILL heal in time. Months of NC and self-improvement are priorities #1 and #1, respectively.

 

Right now, every second of your life is consumed with this. In a month, it will be every 30 seconds. In 6 months, it'll be every hour. In a year, it'll be a couple times a day. See where I'm going?

 

I bolded the "almost" in the quote because that's the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

 

You almost married a nut-job. You almost, possibly, had kids with a sociopath. But you DIDN'T. That's the most important thing.

 

Your heart will heal, but the silver lining for right now is that you didn't get married or have kids with that P.O.S.

 

Keep your head up and keep coming here.

Thank you for reading that, man, after re-reading my post, that was so intense I cannot believe I survived going through it. I cannot believe how love can blind someone so much from the obvious. I was so much in denial. You're right, I could have never found out had I not opened my old computer. I could've bought that engagement ring that I had already picked up, I had jobs lined up over there (that didn't pay well), Expressing what has happened to me here on LS, has really helped, even if just temporary. I am shocked about how much support I received so quickly.

[SoThatHappened]

Expressing what has happened to me here on LS, has really helped, even if just temporary. I am shocked about how much support I received so quickly.

That's what we're here for.

 

Shock is going to become grief. It WILL pass though.

 

I'm not envious of you. It took me 3 months to truly accept things and start to heal. Within that 3 months, she texted or emailed here and there. The last text she sent was almost 2 months ago, and I ignored it.

 

Ignore/block/delete everything that has to do with her. Trust me, it's the only way to move on.

 

You're going to have waves of hurt. Days that are good, and days that are bad. Not saying this to bring you down, just to let you know it's normal.

 

You'll have your worst days when you finally realize that she's gone. It hit me around the 2.5 month mark, and it sucked.

 

However, after that, after finally realizing she was gone, the physical pain in my body left.

 

Sure, there's still "hurt", but the pain is gone. It will happen for you as well.

 

The next few months are gonna suck. BUT, it gets better. Plus, if you channel that pain and use it to better yourself, workout, etc., you'll come out of the fog a new and better person.

 

She doesn't deserve you. Someone else does, and you'll be fine. Right now it just sucks, but stay strong.

[Omei]

You wont have trust issues the rest of your life not if you dont let it.

 

You need to start getting angry she doesn't deserve your tears or your care if she's with other men she's a lier and an ******* for how she handled your entire breakup.

 

You need to look at this as getting off the hook thank god you didnt marry her and thank god she showed her true colors now you were saved from a worse ordeal.

 

Don't make future girls suffer for her actions that girl is a child and there must of been signs of how childish she was prior to this I assume since she took a carefree attitude to her wrong doings this may be something she does often? Take zero responsibility....

 

You got off scott free before you were tied to her in more permanent ways thank god lucky you.

 

Mail her some dried crusty **** lol

[SycamoreCircle]

I stated before that I think it has to do with emotional immaturity. I think also these are women who are being shown attention in ways they've never been shown before by men they wouldn't normally think were interested. My ex was pursued by a successful older man who had his foot in the NYC art world. As a struggling artist, this sent her head spinning.

 

Not that you should bother finding out anything about the other guy, what's done is done, but I'd be willing to bet somehow because of his position or status, his interest in your ex caused her to put him on a pedestal and you in a place of devaluation.

[CoolKids]

Your threads tell of a telling story:

 

A man who started questioning his relationship after his girl became distant, her giving excuse after excuse after excuse, leaving you in a state of disbelief and limbo. Lies, lies, and more lies are told, you unaware of the truth. Then the climax. To top it off, you find out that she's cheating, and instead of apologizing, she turns cold. Suddenly, your relationship did not matter to her. It's like you were a toy she got bored of and she threw it away. There's nary a feeling so infuriating, so broken, so painful. Your expressions are written on your face like a book for a smile.

 

Reminds me of what my ex did. You probably have a lot of questions and a lot of hurt to sort through. It'll take some time for you for to really process these feelings. The simple fact of the matter is, your world has been turned UPSIDE down by someone you thought you could trust. Your plans, ideas of the future, wishes, dreams, your time, devotion, and money must feel like a total waste at this point, by giving it to someone you feel like didn't appreciate it. Even now, this probably feels like a bad dream that you wish you could wake up from.

 

You're going to feel bitter towards women for a while. This is normal. It's a reaction to the pain and suffering. Why? Not only did you lose your woman, you lost a friend. You lost someone you thought you could trust. Your belief in the good of this person has been shattered, and all you want, more than anything is to make the pain go away with the very thing that once made you happy.

 

It isn't going to be easy. First things first...close the door behind you, so say your goodbyes to yourself, cry it out, and make a resolve.

 

Be angry. You gave your heart and soul to this person and they trashed it, prove to yourself that you aren't the trash she made you out to be, that you have value in your humanity!

 

Use that anger and passion to fuel yourself to push yourself to be better than the day you were. Relationships are a part of you, but they are not your whole life. There is so much out there to enjoy.

 

You will be all right, if you need a place to rant, this is the place.

Learn from this relationship. Accept the pain.

 

You gotta have a little rain before the rainbow, right?

 

It'll be all right, but for a while, you won't be feeling that way.

[Niko 2021]

Your threads tell of a telling story:

 

A man who started questioning his relationship after his girl became distant, her giving excuse after excuse after excuse, leaving you in a state of disbelief and limbo. Lies, lies, and more lies are told, you unaware of the truth. Then the climax. To top it off, you find out that she's cheating, and instead of apologizing, she turns cold. Suddenly, your relationship did not matter to her. It's like you were a toy she got bored of and she threw it away. There's nary a feeling so infuriating, so broken, so painful. Your expressions are written on your face like a book for a smile.

 

Reminds me of what my ex did. You probably have a lot of questions and a lot of hurt to sort through. It'll take some time for you for to really process these feelings. The simple fact of the matter is, your world has been turned UPSIDE down by someone you thought you could trust. Your plans, ideas of the future, wishes, dreams, your time, devotion, and money must feel like a total waste at this point, by giving it to someone you feel like didn't appreciate it. Even now, this probably feels like a bad dream that you wish you could wake up from.

 

You're going to feel bitter towards women for a while. This is normal. It's a reaction to the pain and suffering. Why? Not only did you lose your woman, you lost a friend. You lost someone you thought you could trust. Your belief in the good of this person has been shattered, and all you want, more than anything is to make the pain go away with the very thing that once made you happy.

 

It isn't going to be easy. First things first...close the door behind you, so say your goodbyes to yourself, cry it out, and make a resolve.

 

Be angry. You gave your heart and soul to this person and they trashed it, prove to yourself that you aren't the trash she made you out to be, that you have value in your humanity!

 

Use that anger and passion to fuel yourself to push yourself to be better than the day you were. Relationships are a part of you, but they are not your whole life. There is so much out there to enjoy.

 

You will be all right, if you need a place to rant, this is the place.

Learn from this relationship. Accept the pain.

 

You gotta have a little rain before the rainbow, right?

 

It'll be all right, but for a while, you won't be feeling that way.

Thank you for reading all of my threads. I only wished that she would've just told me she was cheating, or if she was interested in another man. But I guess after he just wanted to be friends, she held on to me. We always split the ticket fare, I figured she wouldn't spend so much money on me if she did not want to be with me. But I guess I was wrong, I was being sent so much mixed signals, it was just driving me insane.

[Andy_K]

This is a terrible thing to have happen to you... But I don't understand how you can be with someone for five years and not realise they are capable of this?

 

I've dated girls with empathy/compassion and girls without, and the difference is night and day.

[Niko 2021]

This is a terrible thing to have happen to you... But I don't understand how you can be with someone for five years and not realise they are capable of this?

 

I've dated girls with empathy/compassion and girls without, and the difference is night and day.

There was something always "off" about her. She was different and I loved that about her. She is fascinated in death/murder stories. She lacks emotion when a family member of hers dies, I remember her saying that she "doesn't want to be around those sad people" There were tons of red flags, but none ever projected towards me until now. Her word choices when I comfronted her hurt me. She said how its going to "suck balls to lose me," but the worst part, is when she said "you know I don't have a conscience." I felt myself die a little inside when she said that

[CT98]

That is some dark **** from her!

 

I'm sorry to hear of your pain.

 

At some point you're going to realise 'I'm so much better than this' and when you do you'll notice that things will get easier, the pain won't disappear but it'll become more manageable. You'll need to start reminding yourself everytime you start feeling down about it. Infact, start now.

 

Because you ARE so much better than this.

[SycamoreCircle]

This is a terrible thing to have happen to you... But I don't understand how you can be with someone for five years and not realise they are capable of this?

 

I've dated girls with empathy/compassion and girls without, and the difference is night and day.

 

I understand your point---it does seem like there should have been warning signals. Is it love that blinds us? I think there's some truth to that. I also think there is truth that these sort of personalities attract persons, like myself and also I suspect like the OP, who are outwardly good, non-judgmental people. I'm a largely trusting, open and happy person. My ex would constantly tell others and me what a "kind man" I was. I found it a little unusual. Why did that trait stand out so much to her, I thought? Now I realize it's because of the swirling eddy of anger, insecurity and contempt that clouds her inner life.

 

OP, I want to also add to your mention of her fascination with murder, etc. My ex took up with a man that fancied Satanism. She had mentioned to me that when she was younger she wanted to be a witch and I saw little bits of superstition and the occult scattered among her belongings while she lived with me, but it never occurred to me that it was a serious preoccupation for her. Well, post-split she began reading books on Satanism, obsessing over skulls and animal bones, Machiavelli, Evil and black. Of course, the OM strongly valued these things but I think there is some connection between Satanism/Narcissism/Machiavelli/Death and the absence of empathy. It really is ridiculous, in my opinion. A kind of theatre.