Girlfriend of 5 years...Cheated.

[Niko 2021]

My point in saying that you are partly responsible is(and I think you understand), if I think I'm dealing with a crook and I continue to give the crook my money, I can't totally blame him when he runs off with my money. Should I expect a crook to be honest and tell me he's a crook?

Thank you, and yeah, mom's give the best advice. I called my mom almost crying, upset, when this all happened. She just calmly said, don't worry life happens. I asked my mom why didn't she tell me she cheated before? my mom said, "why would she if she didn't have to?". Then I asked, why wouldn't she even apologize for what she did?. Then my mom said the best thing of all…"she wouldn't apologize for something she doesn't feel she needs to apologize for" That made me realize that this relationship was going down the drain, and no matter how much I held on, it wasn't going to do anything, just left me destroyed in the end. I'm trying to look at the bright side, I get to maybe fall in love once again. I get to maybe meet someone I can trust and build a life with. I'm trying, I want better.

Edited October 31, 2014 by Niko 2021

[SycamoreCircle]

Start to weed "my to-be wife" out of your language. Heck, they even encourage people not to say "my ex". That implies a kind of ownership. Ownership implies responsibility. Just more things to tie you to someone you must let go of.

 

Anyway, let's agree that her behavior for a long time preceding the actual end was not suggestive of a soon-to-be-wife, yes?

 

A man does not ask his fiance, "you weren't cheating were you, honey-buns?"

 

Let go of that. You're fooling yourself. You're saying "Woe is me. My wife cheated on me. The woman I loved who was going to be my betrothed." No. That is not true. Let go of these illusions you perpetuate.

[SycamoreCircle]

Listen, it sounds like you brought a lot of wonderful things to the table: purpose, security, generosity, warmth and support. She stopped caring. She stopped valuing what you offered. She took you for granted. She's young, she's dumb, and she has virtually no life experience.

 

Down the drain, maybe. But don't feel bad. Relationships can go south without any apparent reason.

[Niko 2021]

Start to weed "my to-be wife" out of your language. Heck, they even encourage people not to say "my ex". That implies a kind of ownership. Ownership implies responsibility. Just more things to tie you to someone you must let go of.

 

Anyway, let's agree that her behavior for a long time preceding the actual end was not suggestive of a soon-to-be-wife, yes?

 

A man does not ask his fiance, "you weren't cheating were you, honey-buns?"

 

Let go of that. You're fooling yourself. You're saying "Woe is me. My wife cheated on me. The woman I loved who was going to be my betrothed." No. That is not true. Let go of these illusions you perpetuate.

I know I have to, it's just hard. It was the plan. She called me "hubby" for 3 years of the relationship. I was engagement ring browsing for the past year. I'm glad I didn't buy a ring now. I thought I could save her. She texted me this a few months back. "My life sucks, it always has, for instance, when i think of a wedding, I couldn't name one person to be my maid of honor let alone my bridesmaid. I'll never be a bridesmaid, I've never had a real best friend. I grew up in a family that hates me and barely acknowledges my existence. And that's barely breaking the ice." I guess I really wanted to save her. Time to let go. If she wanted it all, she knew what she did and did not have to do. I came across another text a few months ago I saved. It was me texting her, I had a bad dream where you cheated on me, she says, "don't worry it was just a bad dream, I would never cheat on you." I'm actually laughing at that right now.

Edited October 31, 2014 by Niko 2021

[SycamoreCircle]

That's narcissistic blabber. "I'm so castigated. I'm different. I'm unloved." You know how you get friends? You be a friend. You know how you get love? You give love. This girl wallows in her own misery, like a pig in sh*t. I mean, it's pardonable---she's what early 20's? She's still reciting Morrissey lyrics to herself. Hopefully, she'll start to build some self-sufficiency and maturity in the coming years.

 

Don't be like her. Any guy thoughtful enough to order take-out for his girl living in another state should be able to land some female attention. Tell me one thing you're going to do this week to move past this emotional mire.

[Strength in Healing]

If I were you I would've posted as many if not all the naked pics of her all over the Internet and emailed them to her parents and close friends. It's the least you could do to return the favor. If you still can, then do it. She's a socio, I would wager. So don't feel bad.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

If I were you I would've posted as many if not all the naked pics of her all over the Internet and emailed them to her parents and close friends. It's the least you could do to return the favor. If you still can, then do it. She's a socio, I would wager. So don't feel bad.

 

Since that is against the law, don't do that.

[Strength in Healing]

Since that is against the law, don't do that.

 

Not in my state. Which state is it against the law? And how would they prove he did it if he had posted them from her laptop? I'm in law enforcement, that would go nowhere.

[SoThatHappened]

Not in my state. Which state is it against the law? And how would they prove he did it if he had posted them from her laptop? I'm in law enforcement, that would go nowhere.

Eh, still doesn't accomplish anything except to alienate her parents (which he definitely doesn't want to do), and make him look like a devastated, revenge-seeking cry baby.

 

No good would come of that. He'd regret it down the line anyway.

 

The ONLY option he has is to cut all ties, deal with the hurt, and move on.

[Niko 2021]

That's narcissistic blabber. "I'm so castigated. I'm different. I'm unloved." You know how you get friends? You be a friend. You know how you get love? You give love. This girl wallows in her own misery, like a pig in sh*t. I mean, it's pardonable---she's what early 20's? She's still reciting Morrissey lyrics to herself. Hopefully, she'll start to build some self-sufficiency and maturity in the coming years.

 

Don't be like her. Any guy thoughtful enough to order take-out for his girl living in another state should be able to land some female attention. Tell me one thing you're going to do this week to move past this emotional mire.

Yes! I hate how she always victimized herself. Like she was a black sheep. Like she was destined to be unhappy, she always just felt sorry for herself.

 

This week, I started looking at people in the eye again. I haven't been able to do that for some time, especially women. One thing I'd like to start doing is to look at myself in the mirror, I stopped after I found out she cheated. But I started running again, this time even further. I haven't had liquor since sunday (I'm not an alcoholic, no big deal) but I haven't used it to cope. Instead, I read, I exercise, and I come on here. With the money I had saved to get her engagement ring. I don't know, a little vacation? A new computer? Maybe both. Like you said, "date myself"

[SycamoreCircle]

Great man, good for you! My advice---if you enjoy travel, take a little trip outside of the country. Experience just how different non-Western women are.

[Niko 2021]

If I were you I would've posted as many if not all the naked pics of her all over the Internet and emailed them to her parents and close friends. It's the least you could do to return the favor. If you still can, then do it. She's a socio, I would wager. So don't feel bad.

That's not me. Even if it wasn't illegal. (I think it's not illegal if it's a picture she took of herself and sends it to you) But either way, I have a heart, and a conscience, unlike some people (the cheating ex) The only thing I did, was break my old computer that she used. In fact, I only broke the hard drive, the computer is still fine, just won't boot. Yeah, I did think about letting the cat we got together loose, but came to my senses, I love the cat, and that'd be mean. The only mean thing I did to get back at her…it's a bit childish and yeah laugh at it. I poured concentrated tea tree and eucalyptus oil in her laundry detergent. Yeah, that was lame. I wasn't in my right mind. I could've punched holes in her wall, ruined the bed that I bought for us, but honestly, anything I did would've just been petty of me. Plus I needed a ride to the airport.

[Niko 2021]

 

Don't be like her. Any guy thoughtful enough to order take-out for his girl living in another state should be able to land some female attention. Tell me one thing you're going to do this week to move past this emotional mire.

 

Thank you for that.

[Strength in Healing]

Sorry, I've grown cynical. Forgive me.

 

You are best to run as these people have already posted. And never break contact. I would be willing to bet everything I've learned in psychology over the past decade that she was abused as a child, likely physically emotionally and sexually. Sad, but you can't save her. A team of psychologists can't even save her. Run, and understand some cars are broken beyond a mechanics repairing.

[SoThatHappened]

Sorry, I've grown cynical. Forgive me.

 

You are best to run as these people have already posted. And never break contact. I would be willing to bet everything I've learned in psychology over the past decade that she was abused as a child, likely physically emotionally and sexually. Sad, but you can't save her. A team of psychologists can't even save her. Run, and understand some cars are broken beyond a mechanics repairing.

I really think you should stick to law enforcement.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Not in my state. Which state is it against the law? And how would they prove he did it if he had posted them from her laptop? I'm in law enforcement, that would go nowhere.

 

Thats gross.

 

Plus, "revenge porn" (sharing explicit images online without consent) is illegal in 12 states....including PA.

 

Might want to rehash the rule book officer....but thats neither here nor there.

 

OP, its gets better. Just keep moving forward.

Edited October 31, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[Niko 2021]

Thats gross.

 

Plus, "revenge porn" (sharing explicit images online without consent) is illegal in 12 states....including PA.

 

Might want to rehash the rule book officer....but thats neither here nor there.

 

OP, its gets better. Just keep moving forward.

Yes I'm trying to move forward. I figured any attempt to get back at her with just destroy all of my progress. The guy who she cheated on me with, I have his email. No I won't contact him. He probably didn't even know she had me as a boyfriend. I'd like to contact her dad, at least saying that we broke up, and that i'll miss him, and thank you for all he's done for me. But I probably won't. Mornings are still pretty hard. Especially right before I wake up.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Yes I'm trying io move forward. I figured any attempt to get back at her with just destroy all of my progress. pls bad guy who she cheated on me with, I have his email. No I won't contact him. He probably didn't even know she had me as a boyfriend. I'd like to contact her dad, at least saying that we broke up, and that i'll miss him, and thank you for all he's done for me. But I probably won't. Mornings are still pretty hard. Especially right before I wake up.

 

It makes sense and is very normal. It all seems pointless and you feel like youre going nowhere....just keep pushing through and it gets easier. Answers get clearer and you'll start to feel better.

 

I wouldnt contact the dad at all. While it sounds like a good gesture, it will totally be misconstruded as keeping in touch with her. Looks bad on your end.

[SycamoreCircle]

Yes, don't worry about the father. When I contacted my ex's mother to try and understand exactly what was going on(this was before I knew about her smear campaign or the OM), I thought it proper to tell the mother a little about myself. We'd never formally met, each living on different coasts. I found out later that my ex, when reading the letter sent to her mother, claimed that what I was telling her mother, because it sounded so similar to the story I told my girlfriend, was most likely a "cover story" for the truth! I couldn't believe what I was reading.

 

Projection. What these people do to you---lying, deceit, manipulation---they project onto you. She has probably informed her father that you had some chick on the side. That's just how twisted these people are.

 

Let it go. Let the impression her father had of you, developed over the years, be the one he is left with.

[Niko 2021]

Yes, don't worry about the father. When I contacted my ex's mother to try and understand exactly what was going on(this was before I knew about her smear campaign or the OM), I thought it proper to tell the mother a little about myself. We'd never formally met, each living on different coasts. I found out later that my ex, when reading the letter sent to her mother, claimed that what I was telling her mother, because it sounded so similar to the story I told my girlfriend, was most likely a "cover story" for the truth! I couldn't believe what I was reading.

 

Projection. What these people do to you---lying, deceit, manipulation---they project onto you. She has probably informed her father that you had some chick on the side. That's just how twisted these people are.

 

Let it go. Let the impression her father had of you, developed over the years, be the one he is left with.

Yeah, you're probably right. He thought very highly of me. And I guess I'll keep it like that. This eats me up every morning. If she could do all that behind my back, then treat me so cold, how does, or how did she view me in her eyes? Was I weak? Annoying? Uninteresting? What helps me, is when you told me that she does not love that guy. She is not capable of love. If I had cheated on her, I'd hate myself everyday for the rest of my life. I just can't comprehend that she would cheat, and lie about it, and only after I caught her a year later, then just come clean cold heartedly. I cannot make sense of that. Yeah I guess it's getting easier, but for some reason I want this to make sense, I need to have some closure as to why this all happened. I cannot seem to just say "she's a sociopath" let it go. The initial pain of being betrayed, I guess it's subsiding. If she was ever going to cheat, it would've happened sooner or later, nothing I could've done to stop that. The remorseless actions still hurt the most, and lying for over a year. I was dumb, whenever I would try to leave, she would either say she'll change and she loves me, or guilt me by saying "yeah I get it, you just want someone without the hassle." I should've been stronger.

Edited November 1, 2014 by Niko 2021

[Niko 2021]

Just woke up. Had the most horrible vivid dream. I was back in her apartment, It was after we broke up and all this happened. I don't remember the details, but I guess the basis was her promiscuity and how she was better off without me. Also in the dream, I was emailing her fwb, that was scary. I woke up very sweaty. Then I started to miss her and looked at my phone at all of the recent texts we sent to each other, especially the ones that said how she wanted me, and that I'm hers, and that she loves me, these were texts sent a few months ago. Just when I thought I was getting better… I guess that's not how life works. I really hope I just didn't regress and lose all of my progress. Mornings are terrible. I feel so lonely, but I was lonely even in her company… I'm still doing NC, I'm not looking at any social media, I'm doing the right things, but my god this is just hard. Sometimes, what does make me feel a little better, is to re-read this thread including all comments entirely. It shows the progress that I've made. I'll give it a go.

Edited November 1, 2014 by Niko 2021

[Niko 2021]

Looking back, reading my past threads about her, and how she turned heartless right after I went on vacation…well, I have the answer now. Kinda interesting how now I can finally piece together the puzzle of what happened. Meh…Approaching almost 2 weeks of NC. Still hurts, mornings are still terrible.

[SoThatHappened]

Bad news, Niko:

 

It's going to get worse before it gets better.

 

You were raked over the coals by someone who has very deep-seeded issues. Not your fault.

 

Within the next few weeks, you're going to go through the throes of heartbreak.

 

- Trying to make sense of things

- Hurting from missing her and being alone

- Lack of sleep / erratic sleep

- Lack of appetite

- etc.

 

However, it WILL get better and you will be able to look back on this from a better place... as long as you cut every piece of her out of your life completely.

 

No one deserves to go through what you went through. But, you have the ability to come out stronger and better.

 

It's gonna suck, but then one day, the pain will just be gone. Gone.

 

That's how it happened for me. Four months of $h!t followed finally by acceptance. The physical pain in my gut just left. It was gone and hasn't come back. I have closed that chapter in my life.

 

Sure, I still think about her and it emotionally hurts, but the actual pain is gone.

 

It will be gone for you as well.

[Downtown]

Just when I thought I was getting better… I really hope I just didn't regress and lose all of my progress.

Niko, you are getting better. Yet, just as STH said, things may feel worse before feeling better. Moreover, your healing process will not proceed in a straight line. That is, you won't feel a little bit better each day.

 

Rather, there will continue to be days when you wake up and feel awful -- just like you're all the way back to step one and have made no progress at all. When that feeling occurs -- and it WILL occur -- don't believe it. It doesn't mean you're not making progress. Instead, it only means that something has triggered your pain that day. Although those bad days will periodically appear, they will get farther and farther apart until -- eventually -- they will disappear altogether.

[Niko 2021]

Bad news, Niko:

 

It's going to get worse before it gets better.

 

You were raked over the coals by someone who has very deep-seeded issues. Not your fault.

 

Within the next few weeks, you're going to go through the throes of heartbreak.

 

- Trying to make sense of things

- Hurting from missing her and being alone

- Lack of sleep / erratic sleep

- Lack of appetite

- etc.

 

However, it WILL get better and you will be able to look back on this from a better place... as long as you cut every piece of her out of your life completely.

 

No one deserves to go through what you went through. But, you have the ability to come out stronger and better.

 

It's gonna suck, but then one day, the pain will just be gone. Gone.

 

That's how it happened for me. Four months of $h!t followed finally by acceptance. The physical pain in my gut just left. It was gone and hasn't come back. I have closed that chapter in my life.

 

Sure, I still think about her and it emotionally hurts, but the actual pain is gone.

 

It will be gone for you as well.

Thanks. But what's going through my mind right now is all the great times we've had together. All I keep thinking about is how easy it was to live together for that 3 years. I know things changed, and the last year of the relationship was really horrible for me. Before I found out she cheated, I was trying to basically re-live or continue where we left off when we lived together. Things were really simple then. I was in a state and city that I love, with someone I love. I got to travel with/because of her, see new places, meet new people. And now it's just dull. I know I can do those things without her, and I will, but I can never have it with her again. Just the realization of that really hurts. She came into my life when I was very confused and not happy with my life. She came along, and pretty much transformed my life into something amazing. I was flying 5-6 times a year for 5 years because of her. It was really exciting. I felt like I honestly had won the lottery with her. And yeah, I know, a lot of the excitement of being with her were things that were actually from her. I guess I miss the traveling, seeing new places, meeting new people because of her. If we lived in the same state, I'm sure it wouldn't have been as exciting. Anyway, that's another reason why it hurts, among the main ones, losing her, being betrayed, lied to for over a year, the emotional abuse, etc. (just me typing gibberish while my mind wanders - don't feel obligated to reply)