Girlfriend of 5 years...Cheated.

[Niko 2021]

Niko, you are getting better. Yet, just as STH said, things may feel worse before feeling better. Moreover, your healing process will not proceed in a straight line. That is, you won't feel a little bit better each day.

 

Rather, there will continue to be days when you wake up and feel awful -- just like you're all the way back to step one and have made no progress at all. When that feeling occurs -- and it WILL occur -- don't believe it. It doesn't mean you're not making progress. Instead, it only means that something has triggered your pain that day. Although those bad days will periodically appear, they will get farther and farther apart until -- eventually -- they will disappear altogether.

What's weird, it feels like my mind is making me ignorant. My mentality was that if anyone ever cheated on me, even just kissing or going on a date, that I'd leave that person, no matter how long we've been together. Now, even though she had sex with someone else, a part of me thinks, "hey, maybe I can forgive her." Then I remind myself that not only did she cheat, she had a second relationship, for months. She lied to me for over a year, and when caught, all she did was tear my heart apart. Man I went through a lot. Emotional abuse for over a year while she cheated, the shock of finding out of her betrayal, and then being pretty much destroyed by her lack of remorse afterwards. It's hard because I actually have to remind myself of what exactly happened. You'd think that those 3 hurtful actions combined would be up front in my mind, but it's not. It's me missing her.

[hurts2death]

Niko after some months you will be so clear that you will fill the gaps and possibly you will discover bad truths.... i did. at that time you will not want to be with her at all.

 

just hang in there with nc. stay strong. it is just some time that needs to pass.

 

i know how bitter heartache painfull sick s hit this thing you go through is.

[Niko 2021]

Niko after some months you will be so clear that you will fill the gaps and possibly you will discover bad truths.... i did. at that time you will not want to be with her at all.

 

just hang in there with nc. stay strong. it is just some time that needs to pass.

 

i know how bitter heartache painfull sick s hit this thing you go through is.

This last night as hard. Woke up at 3am. Couldn't really sleep afterwards. I started to miss her, thinking that, "why did you have to mess up?" Calmed myself down by saying that she doesn't care. Moving on is going to be hard for me. I'm normally a shy guy. In time I'd like to date, but it'll be a challenge. Maybe I just need a quick fling to help pull me out of this. Idk. I'm running out of fuel. I'm sticking with NC, because in the end, it's all I have left to start to better myself.

[SycamoreCircle]

At 7 months NC, I sometimes think about what it would realistically be like to rekindle something with who she is now. It's difficult to imagine anything positive. What she said and did combined---the lies, cheating and manipulation. What was beautiful about what we had was annihilated through her choices.

 

So, all I can do is think back to a time before all of that happened. She was a different person. She had different objectives. I somehow figured in her life. She valued me.

 

I'm sorry to say that I don't think we will ever have closure. You're right, saying someone is a sociopath doesn't really tidy up things. My mother tells me that sometimes we just have to accept that there are things we will never understand.

 

I guess, if anything, this experience has sensitized me to a kind of pain that I was unfamiliar with before. And in that sensitization my scope to recognize and be empathic to other pain has broadened. If nothing bad ever happened to us, how could we feel empathy for others' pain?

[lil hoodlum]

At 7 months NC, I sometimes think about what it would realistically be like to rekindle something with who she is now. It's difficult to imagine anything positive. What she said and did combined---the lies, cheating and manipulation. What was beautiful about what we had was annihilated through her choices.

 

So, all I can do is think back to a time before all of that happened. She was a different person. She had different objectives. I somehow figured in her life. She valued me.

 

I'm sorry to say that I don't think we will ever have closure. You're right, saying someone is a sociopath doesn't really tidy up things. My mother tells me that sometimes we just have to accept that there are things we will never understand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pretty deep thoughts man.

 

 

Sometimes I think we have to go through all of this $hit, the heartbreak/pain & suffering, so that we can truely appreciate when something beautiful and meaningful comes into our lives.

Edited November 4, 2014 by lil hoodlum
horrible job of using quote

[Niko 2021]

At 7 months NC, I sometimes think about what it would realistically be like to rekindle something with who she is now. It's difficult to imagine anything positive. What she said and did combined---the lies, cheating and manipulation. What was beautiful about what we had was annihilated through her choices.

 

So, all I can do is think back to a time before all of that happened. She was a different person. She had different objectives. I somehow figured in her life. She valued me.

 

I'm sorry to say that I don't think we will ever have closure. You're right, saying someone is a sociopath doesn't really tidy up things. My mother tells me that sometimes we just have to accept that there are things we will never understand.

 

I guess, if anything, this experience has sensitized me to a kind of pain that I was unfamiliar with before. And in that sensitization my scope to recognize and be empathic to other pain has broadened. If nothing bad ever happened to us, how could we feel empathy for others' pain?

Thanks. What I have to remember is that, there's is nothing she can do that will benefit me. It's hard letting go because she was my "happy place." Before all of this happened, everything was amazing when we lived together, so that's why I was trying to get back to her so badly. Everything was easy, safe, and fun. But in reality, there's no benefit. If I had never found out she cheated, it would've hindered my career if I moved back, and it would have to start all over years down the road. All I wanted was closure. For this past year, she's been trying to get me to leave her. SHe would say how she was broken, how I can do better, how my life is amazing without her (I realize now that this was because she had someone else) But my mind was set on being with her, at all costs. This last year was hell, and I guess the only way for me to let go, was to find out she was cheating. I was so in denial that I would've stayed with her for anything short of cheating. I put up with the emotional abuse, the lack of contact and emotional connection, and depression, just to be with her.

[Niko 2021]

At 7 months NC, I sometimes think about what it would realistically be like to rekindle something with who she is now. It's difficult to imagine anything positive. What she said and did combined---the lies, cheating and manipulation. What was beautiful about what we had was annihilated through her choices.

 

So, all I can do is think back to a time before all of that happened. She was a different person. She had different objectives. I somehow figured in her life. She valued me.

 

I'm sorry to say that I don't think we will ever have closure. You're right, saying someone is a sociopath doesn't really tidy up things. My mother tells me that sometimes we just have to accept that there are things we will never understand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pretty deep thoughts man.

 

 

Sometimes I think we have to go through all of this $hit, the heartbreak/pain & suffering, so that we can truely appreciate when something beautiful and meaningful comes into our lives.

I agree. I feel so alive right now. And I guess if I ever had to rebuild, it's best to do it in my early 20's with no kids or shared assets. What's difficult is that, everyday I was with her, I felt like I had won the lottery. I know that seems cliche', but I honestly mean it. That's why I saved every loving text she ever sent me, took as much pictures of her as a could, every dinner and place we went out to for fun, it's all photographed. I just hope I learn from this, learn from the warning signs that I willingly ignored.

[SoThatHappened]

It doesn't seem like it now, and it's not going to give you much solace either, but one day...

 

You're going to look back on this and chuckle a little. Probably with your smokin' hot wife and genius athletic kids.

 

She will probably be on her 3rd or 4th kid from the same amount of guys, wondering where it all went wrong.

 

Feeling like you won the lottery with her is putting her on a pedestal. It happens to every dumpee. In time, that sl*t won't be on a pedestal anymore. Believe me, she won't.

[Niko 2021]

It doesn't seem like it now, and it's not going to give you much solace either, but one day...

 

You're going to look back on this and chuckle a little. Probably with your smokin' hot wife and genius athletic kids.

 

She will probably be on her 3rd or 4th kid from the same amount of guys, wondering where it all went wrong.

 

Feeling like you won the lottery with her is putting her on a pedestal. It happens to every dumpee. In time, that sl*t won't be on a pedestal anymore. Believe me, she won't.

The thing is, I am technically the dumper. Granted I was kinda forced to make the decision. She was always on my pedestal. The only way I can knock her down is to replace her. Her lifestyle in general, at least as of now, will drag anyone down, I agree. So I guess I jumped ship in time to save myself. I need to rebuild my confidence. Only when I have my short instances of confidence now, is when I can see how much of a cold hearted remorseless B she is, and can call her every name in the book that she truly is.

[SoThatHappened]

The technicalities of dumper/dumpee don't matter.

 

I technically dumped my last ex for cheating on me. Guess who was hurt over the breakup?

 

Your ex is a slut, likely has many personality disorders, and at the very least she acted like a sociopath.

 

You don't have to replace her to knock her off the pedestal. In fact, I recommend not "replacing" her UNTIL you've knocked her off the pedestal and have come out of the breakup on the other side. Don't get with someone until you're healed from this. It's not fair to them, and you may get hurt/rejected WHILE you're still hurting from this breakup.

 

Make a list of the disgusting things she's done. Add every little thing that she did that annoyed you. It helps.

 

Seriously, the night after I found out my ex cheated, I just grabbed a pen and paper and wrote down EVERYTHING I could think of that wasn't good about her. Eventually, filled up that paper front and back. It was somewhat cathartic.

 

5 months later and she's officially off the pedestal. Seriously. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of reconciling with her if she came crawling back, walked through broken glass, and begged and pleaded for another chance. I truly see her for what she is, and don't want to be with her.

 

You can get there too, and you will.

[Niko 2021]

The technicalities of dumper/dumpee don't matter.

 

I technically dumped my last ex for cheating on me. Guess who was hurt over the breakup?

 

Your ex is a slut, likely has many personality disorders, and at the very least she acted like a sociopath.

 

You don't have to replace her to knock her off the pedestal. In fact, I recommend not "replacing" her UNTIL you've knocked her off the pedestal and have come out of the breakup on the other side. Don't get with someone until you're healed from this. It's not fair to them, and you may get hurt/rejected WHILE you're still hurting from this breakup.

 

Make a list of the disgusting things she's done. Add every little thing that she did that annoyed you. It helps.

 

Seriously, the night after I found out my ex cheated, I just grabbed a pen and paper and wrote down EVERYTHING I could think of that wasn't good about her. Eventually, filled up that paper front and back. It was somewhat cathartic.

 

5 months later and she's officially off the pedestal. Seriously. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of reconciling with her if she came crawling back, walked through broken glass, and begged and pleaded for another chance. I truly see her for what she is, and don't want to be with her.

 

You can get there too, and you will.

Thank you. You're right, I shouldn't rush into anything. And I did make a Pro's con's list 6 months back when was desperately trying to move back to be with her. I did update the con's side with "she cheated." I'll just rip up the "Pros" side. But I'll try to remember all of the bad things that has happened between us. I need to, I am only remember the good times. I remember…when she came home after I confronted her about cheating and after sending me heartless text messages. As soon as she walked in the door, I was sitting on the couch, and the first thing she did was pick up her cat, started talking to it, and then looked at me and said "are you ready?" (to take me to the airport) That was another crazy moment I left out from the story. How can she cheat on me, and the first thing when she came home wasn't immediately to talk to me? She has zero remorse for what she has done. But yeah, she has always flirted around with guys, even a year into our relationship. Idk if she likes the attention, but she was never given enough growing up, she was a loner. In the end, she is a slut, and before this happened, I would've bet all the money in the world against that. I guess I didn't really know her.

Edited November 5, 2014 by Niko 2021

[Niko 2021]

Trying to sleep, but I can't, so I guess I will just vent what's on my mind on here. Usually when people cheat, don't they apologize heavily and do everything they can to make things right? They're always teary eyed, very sorry for what they've done, and will at least ask to work things out, at least from what i've heard/seen. Now what the hell happened with me? When I caught her, its like she didn't care. She was in the same mood, like what she did didn't matter, she probably justified her cheating in her sick head someway. And I know she's a psychopath, but it's hard enough to have someone cheat on you, and then when you catch them, have them just make things worse by ripping your heart apart even more. I don't think I will ever have any closure for that. A few weeks ago, when I was at the airport in my home state, about to leave to see her again, I was very happy. I remember something though. My dad called me, which was rare. He told me "if she has another boyfriend, don't do anything crazy, just come home." At the time, I was very naive, and told him sternly, she doesn't have another boyfriend, she wouldn't cheat. Idk how he knew, he has only met her once, but looking back, I'm shocked. When I came back, and broke the news to him, I think that was the first time he truly gave me a sincere hug. He also said, "you're a good guy, you'll do better." I never really had a close relationship emotionally with him, so it was kind of different. Well, if you read all of that, thanks for doing so, because I sure as hell don't even know what to do. I honestly want to break down and cry, but I can't for some reason. The pain seems to be more physical (in my chest) than emotional.

Edited November 6, 2014 by Niko 2021

[mr.blond]

bro, read my post "Zoloft body snatched my girlfriend"

[Niko 2021]

Four weeks has passed since we last spoken at the airport, and yeah that's a milestone for me. I don't know if I'm doing better, the pain is still there, but I guess I'm learning to cope with it better. It all seems unfair, how she can cheat on me, have me chasing after her, and then just have the relationship end and I'm probably the only one that's hurting, hurting the most if not, while she's free and happy, or at least not hurting as much as I am. But I guess that's life huh. I just don't know how someone can change that much. She became a different person, literally. After she changed, I remember showing her a lot of pictures of us together, of how we used to be happy. She looked at me and said "I don't remember even being there, it's like an impostor was there taking my place." It's like she can't remember us, like she's a new person. I don't know if that means anything. Idk, still trying to move on, day by day. I do ask myself this a lot. Even if by some grace of god I move on from her, what do I exactly gain? I could only come up with a "fresh start," which isn't even positive or negative, just neutral.

[SoThatHappened]

still trying to move on, day by day.

Key phrase.

 

You will move on. I give you my word.

 

As time passes and life happens, you'll be detached from this situation more than you can imagine right now.

 

You're doing well. Analyzing enough, dealing with it the way you should be, hurting, etc.

 

It's like picking up the pieces to start the next building project. You learned a lot the first time you built the project, then it was destroyed. Imagine how much you will know now when rebuilding it...

[hudson701]

Time to head over to the manosphere, understand the red pill and the true solipsistic nature of women.