My boyfriend is married.

[LilySun]

Before judging me, well I don't really need advice as much as I just need to tell someone I am in love with a married guy, who is also my best friend, we have know eachother many years and our friendship has evolved into a relationship. And we are in love.

He has told me how much he cares about me and that he always has.

 

Years ago his wife got pregnant so their family pressured them into marrying. And he is very unhappy. He works very hard to support his family...she doesn't work and refuses to get a job...and their home is a gross mess because she is lazy and claims that she is too busy as a stay home mom. He took pictures of all the rooms in the house and I have never seen anything so gross. Every room in the house is disgusting to look at, including their bedroom, which he hasn't slept in in 6 years because she refuses to clean it up. He has set up his own space in the basement and sleeps there. It gets to the point where he has to end up cleaning because she doesn't, but even then he can only do so much because he spends alot of time working.

 

He wants to leave her badly, but feels trapped because she won't work, and he doesn't want to abandon his kid. He finally told me how much he would love to move out and be with me, but can't bcause of her.

Yet here I am the happiest I have ever been with someone, and he says the same about me. Plus, we are best friends that would do anything for eachother. I am 38 years old, and I just now in the kind of relationship I have wanted my whole life. I have waited forever to be this happy, and I have had many relationships that were by far worse than loving a married guy.

 

People think it should be easy for me to end this and just find it somewhere else. No, not quite. Not all of us the perfect pretty picture of love....not all of us are that lucky. We just aren't. If I thought I could find happiness like this tomorrow, I would end it. But I know that isn't true. For some of us, the love of our lives turns out to be the least expected person in the least expected situation. I don't expect him to leave her for a very long time. And we have to hide our relationship from everyone. We both agreed this is not ideal, or even right, but we couldn't be happier.

 

In some situations, we just can't assume people like us are horrible, scum bag people. I have waited 38 years for true love, and I will not give it up. Thanks for listening.

Edited October 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and moved to OM/OW

[Ronni_W]

Sounds unsanitary, unhealthy for a child to have to live in that! Has he considered filing for sole custody on the grounds she is an unfit mother? He already has the pictures to prove it. He may not be as "trapped" as he feels.

 

That way you can be together sooner than later AND provide his child with a clean, healthy environment...with also two loving adults.

 

Wishing you the best.

[LilySun]

I don't know if he has ever thought of that. But since she refuses to work, it's another reason he feels trapped. And I think she knows it because she wants to keep his support, yet she is not a loving wife at all. He says that he wants to be there in order to try and be the good example for the kids, since she isn't. Thanks for your thoughts.

[Davey L]

His wife might tell it differently of course.

 

And taking photos of dirty house to show his OW is a massive betrayal. I think if I did that my wife would be more upset about that than she would about the sex. I've not always behaved well but bad-mouthing wife to other women is not something I would ever do.

[violet1]

I don't know if he has ever thought of that. But since she refuses to work, it's another reason he feels trapped. And I think she knows it because she wants to keep his support, yet she is not a loving wife at all. He says that he wants to be there in order to try and be the good example for the kids, since she isn't. Thanks for your thoughts.

I'm not criticizing you or your situation, but what your married man is saying is very classic of a cheater. My XAP also said the same thing about his wife. She's lazy, she doesn't work, he's only there for the kids, etc. He even took a picture of a pile of clothes that she left in the laundry room. Yet, he's still there. He and I at one point fantasized about what our lives would be like together. It was just that though, a fantasy. Maybe your guy will leave one day, but it's not likely. I'm guessing his freedom from his "lazy wife" wouldn't be worth the support he would have to pay to her. Just protect your heart and I wish you the best.

[whichwayisup]

Sounds unsanitary, unhealthy for a child to have to live in that! Has he considered filing for sole custody on the grounds she is an unfit mother? He already has the pictures to prove it. He may not be as "trapped" as he feels.

 

That way you can be together sooner than later AND provide his child with a clean, healthy environment...with also two loving adults.

 

Wishing you the best.

 

How do you know those pictures of the rooms are actually his house?

 

Why on earth would he want to stay married to someone (as he has told you and you've believed every single word he's told you) who is lazy, messy, not a good wife, nor a good mother and can't keep the household together. What is it that's keeping him from divorcing her? It is very possible he's exaggerated the truth to suit him best and to keep you in his life as the OW. I mean, if he told you he loved his wife, they got along well, had sex, and she was a great person, loving wife, kind hearted and a great mother, wouldn't you wonder why he was with you as well? having an affair? Don't you find it odd that he spends a lot of time with you, leaving his own flesh and blood in a disgusting mess of a house?! That is, if what he is telling you about his home life is true. Just a little red flag to think about it. He is neglecting his own kid by being with you and leaving his child in the care of his lazy wife who doesn't want to do anything.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know if he has ever thought of that. But since she refuses to work, it's another reason he feels trapped. And I think she knows it because she wants to keep his support, yet she is not a loving wife at all. He says that he wants to be there in order to try and be the good example for the kids, since she isn't. Thanks for your thoughts.

 

how many children do they have? Many couples decide that one parent will stay home to be with the kids as child care is so expensive.

 

Either she is unwell, has some form of mental illness OR he is lying to you about his wife and the state of their house.

 

Unless you've actually gone inside their marital home, gone to each room and seen it with your own eyes, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

[LilySun]

His wife might tell it differently of course.

 

And taking photos of dirty house to show his OW is a massive betrayal. I think if I did that my wife would be more upset about that than she would about the sex. I've not always behaved well but bad-mouthing wife to other women is not something I would ever do.

 

 

He doesn't bad mouth her, he even still considers her a good mom otherwise, he just hates that she is messy and unappreciative. We have been involved for months, and he has slowly opened about these things over time, as he feels more comfortable to do so, I dont think it's a way to keep me around, it"s more like he just needs someone to vent to and knows he can with me. We are also great friends that listen to eachother when we have a bad day, and simply be eachother's shoulder to lean on. I think he opens up about her because he knows I'm here for him, not because it's supposed to Make me stick around. Otherwise, I think he would have told me these things months ago. He didn't...early on he was vague about being unhappy but more details unfold as time goes on.

 

Also, we don't see eachother enough to say its abandoning the kids. We see eachother every weekend, but not even every weekend. But we talk every single day. He is a busy man with a family and because of that I know his time limited, and I am happy with the time we do get, because I'm not the kind of person who needs to see my boyfriend everyday. I like a lot of space. So frankly, the situation suits me well.

[LilySun]

how many children do they have? Many couples decide that one parent will stay home to be with the kids as child care is so expensive.

 

 

 

Either she is unwell, has some form of mental illness OR he is lying to you about his wife and the state of their house.

 

Unless you've actually gone inside their marital home, gone to each room and seen it with your own eyes, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

 

 

I have also seen pics she puts on facebook that shows food on the floor, which backs up why he got upset one night and told me he had to pick up sandwiches off the floor because I guess the kids leave them there and she doesn't care. So I know he is not lying. She posts pics of messy things in the house and makes it out to be something funny, which of course it isn't.

[whichwayisup]

I have also seen pics she puts on facebook that shows food on the floor, which backs up why he got upset one night and told me he had to pick up sandwiches off the floor because I guess the kids leave them there and she doesn't care. So I know he is not lying. She posts pics of messy things in the house and makes it out to be something funny, which of course it isn't.

 

Yet he leaves his kids alone with her, a lot. Every single time he is with you, during the day or a night, his wife is at home tending to the kids.

 

Okay, kids are messy and who knows maybe she just gave up and said f - it, the kids won't pick it up so neither will I. You have to know that if things were that bad, he really thought she was unkept and unwell, bad mother and wife, he'd take the kids away and divorce her. Or try to... He hasn't and that says a lot, doesn't it?

 

Messy is one thing, dirty and stains that never get cleaned up is another. Dishes for weeks in the sink, dirty kids and furniture... Have you seen that?

 

Still think he's putting a spin on this and it's feeding you to really believe there's serious neglect going on at home on all levels.

 

You love him but remember this. This woman he married, said vows to in front of family and friends, they have children together. He is capable of manipulating and lying, he does it to her every single day. Yet you think he won't and doesn't lie or omit truths from you? Many OW believe their MM's , only to find out later it all was a lie and most of what was told (wife and home life) was pure crap and made up. Never say never.

[beach]

Obviously he wouldn't do ANYTHING for you - as he's still married.

 

And yes, he does bad mouth her... You stated that also in your first post.

 

He's married. Why aren't you dating an available man? This guy will likely break your heart.

[whichwayisup]

He doesn't bad mouth her, he even still considers her a good mom otherwise, he just hates that she is messy and unappreciative. We have been involved for months, and he has slowly opened about these things over time, as he feels more comfortable to do so, I dont think it's a way to keep me around, it"s more like he just needs someone to vent to and knows he can with me. We are also great friends that listen to eachother when we have a bad day, and simply be eachother's shoulder to lean on. I think he opens up about her because he knows I'm here for him, not because it's supposed to Make me stick around. Otherwise, I think he would have told me these things months ago. He didn't...early on he was vague about being unhappy but more details unfold as time goes on.

 

Also, we don't see eachother enough to say its abandoning the kids. We see eachother every weekend, but not even every weekend. But we talk every single day. He is a busy man with a family and because of that I know his time limited, and I am happy with the time we do get, because I'm not the kind of person who needs to see my boyfriend everyday. I like a lot of space. So frankly, the situation suits me well.

 

See, now this all has been down played. Your first post made it seem awful, like child services should be brought in and have the kids taken away from her.

 

The more you post, you change it up and the fact now you say he doesn't bad mouth her.

 

Something is off here, I hope you see it too.

[LilySun]

Obviously he wouldn't do ANYTHING for you - as he's still married.

 

And yes, he does bad mouth her... You stated that also in your first post.

 

He's married. Why aren't you dating an available man? This guy will likely break your heart.

 

 

As a friend, yes he would do anything. And I would for him. He may never leave, and our friendship won't change even if he doesn't. If I meet men, I am open to dating, but I rarely do. I am not some kind of knock-out that can just go out and get any guy I want. And my past relationships have been abusive to me. He is better to me than any man I have ever dated. No matter what happens I will never lose respect for him. I don't want him to leave his family for me. I respect him for doing whatever he thinks is right. I know if he does leave, its not for me, but because he is really unhappy.

[beach]

As a friend, yes he would do anything. And I would for him. He may never leave, and our friendship won't change even if he doesn't. If I meet men, I am open to dating, but I rarely do. I am not some kind of knock-out that can just go out and get any guy I want. And my past relationships have been abusive to me. He is better to me than any man I have ever dated. No matter what happens I will never lose respect for him. I don't want him to leave his family for me. I respect him for doing whatever he thinks is right. I know if he does leave, its not for me, but because he is really unhappy.

 

You respect him for cheating? I can't get mt head around your perspective.

 

And if the house is messy and he doesn't like it - he can clean it up himself instead of talking trash about the woman he married.

 

He's very disrespectful - I hope you see the bigger picture for what it is.

[Mr. Lucky]

He took pictures of all the rooms in the house and I have never seen anything so gross. Every room in the house is disgusting to look at, including their bedroom, which he hasn't slept in in 6 years because she refuses to clean it up. He has set up his own space in the basement and sleeps there.

So she's a lazy wife and terrible mother and they don't sleep together? And he really didn't want to marry her? And they're not in love and don't have sex?

 

I could probably fill in the rest of the details myself. More amazing is that he's convinced you this married martyrdom somehow validates his worth as a boyfriend. He missed his calling, should be selling penny stocks and junk bonds...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LilySun]

You respect him for cheating? I can't get mt head around your perspective.

 

And if the house is messy and he doesn't like it - he can clean it up himself instead of talking trash about the woman he married.

 

He's very disrespectful - I hope you see the bigger picture for what it is.

 

But he does clean up...he is the only one who does, and works full time too, matter of fact he works 12-20 hour days, so there is only so much cleaning he can do. While he works she lets everything go, to the point where he can't keep up with it all. I didn't say I respect him for cheating, I respect him as my friend and as a hard working dad that doesn't want to leave his kid. He was a friend of mine 10 years before all this, and when friends go through a tough time, I don't judge them, I am here to listen, and he is no exception to that rule.That will never change, if he stays married or not. He doesn't try to promise me we will be together someday or any of that mumbo jumbo, if I told him we have to end our fling, he would totally respect that and we'd still be friends. He knows I'm not in this just to wait around for him...I'm in it because I love what we have and that's it...I'm aware its probably temporary, or maybe not, who knows...

[beach]

I feel like you're believing all his lies and BS more than the average OW does here.

 

This guy sharing his private married life with you just shows he's not a guy who knows a thing about respect.

[LilySun]

I feel like you're believing all his lies and BS more than the average OW does here.

 

This guy sharing his private married life with you just shows he's not a guy who knows a thing about respect.

 

 

Um, ALL my friends talk to me about their marriages. Women and men. I hear about everyones marital problems, all the time. To me he is no different. I've always been known as an easy person to talk to. And, I don't think he has anyone else (besides her) that he is close enough to get things off his chest. People are not bad for discussing their marriages with their friends. And again, I have known him a very long time and I know he is not a liar. I might think so about some random guy I just met a few months ago, which he is not that. And again, I came here asking that no one judges me or him but since thats all you want to do anyway, I will no longer post responses. To those kind enough to just listen, thanks.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

. And again, I came here asking that no one judges me or him but since thats all you want to do anyway, I will no longer post responses. To those kind enough to just listen, thanks.

 

No one was "judging" you. This is a discussion forum...people discussed your situation. You posted a story about a mother so neglectful her children should almost be taken away and the married man who you're dating that won't do a thing about his household. I don't know what else you expected.

[aussietigerwolf]

12 - 20 hour work days huh... Well... My bf works 12 hour days and still has plenty of time to do things. Now what interests me is the 20 hour days. I don't know of any job that has 20 hour days as there wouldn't be any time to sleep/eat or even get home if you had a long travel time. The guy's story has holes big enough to fit the enterprise E but she wants to convince herself that its all true and he's her soulmate that has been cruelly forced into all this.

[eleanorrigby]

I would not be in the mood to clean much if my husband were gone 12-20 hours every day and on the weekends as well.

 

I could see things getting pretty messy around my place, born from anger, spite, loneliness, frustration, and hoping the mess would send a signal about my unhappiness.

 

I wonder why he doesn't hire someone to come to the house once or twice a week to clean up instead of whining to you about it.

[aussietigerwolf]

hmm... I wonder if he is indeed "working" 20 hour days if the op is the only ow...

[darkmoon]

they have meals together, read kids' school reports together, ditto share public holidays, they share weekends...

 

you see him in dating mode, an idealized version, she might even guess what he is doing with you

 

he might be a self-pitying serial womaniser, she ever keeping quiet for the sake of the kids

[dreamingoftigers]

I find this kind of funny.

 

I work full-time. Pretty much always have. If not, I work more than full-time. I have worked out of the city and even out of the Province.

 

My husband hasn't. He has rarely worked full time in the course of our marriage.

 

He has always complained about the house and my "lack of effort" surrounding it.

 

I never understood how I could spend hours a day cleaning on top of working.....while he would either not be working or working fewer hours and yet not put in anywhere near the same effort and the house would be messy and not up to his par.

 

Yet.....we have had a nine year fight about him putting his garbage in the can. Other fights have included: rinsing his own dishes, picking up his own laundry to go to the laundry room. Encouraging our daughter to clean up after herself. He does none of these things.

 

The house stays messy right up until we separate. Every time we have separated or he has not been around, the house gets so damn clean. Quickly. And it stays that way.

 

We are separated now. The living room got completely cleaned and organized. He came over one night to visit and babysit our daughter so I could work late. I came home. Oh My Good Ness! Garbage and crap all over the living room. Spilled water. Playdoh stuck to blankets and the couch and the floor. Coloured sugar all over the floor. Coloured Sugar!

 

He didn't even make the slightest effort to not have the place a total disaster. It took me over an hour to clean it all up. I know that I will be sweeping and vacuuming coloured sugar out of everything for weeks to come. I will think it will be done. Then there will be some flecks of it that have escaped that will become apparent.

 

It really made me realize just how little respect he had for our home. It doesn't take anywhere near as long to clean when he is gone vs. when he is here.

 

We split chores evenly. But the only chore that he actually DID was changing the laundry over. Not folding it or putting it away either. Just turning it over. And he didn't do it anywhere near as often as I had thought.

 

When he left, the laundry area had insane amounts of clothing left in it. I was stepping through it to get to the laundry machines! I must have done 20 loads to clear it out! No wonder I always had trouble finding bras and socks!

 

I save tons of time with him not around to mess the place up. I thought being a single Mom would zap more time.

 

Perhaps he is messy too. If he wasn't messy, he wouldn't tolerate it.

Like most MM who cheat, it sounds like he wants a mother figure to "do it all" for him. Including all of the clean-up. Otherwise, he would be negotiating a different deal about the house.

 

Putting his private parts in your private parts isn't making his home any cleaner. Unless him being around less makes it less messy, like my husband.

 

It really drove me nuts, because I worked as a cleaner and then just could not get my home under control mess-wise without completely exhausting myself. Now I know why. The expectation was ridiculous. I mean garbage all over the damn floor was the first thing that needed to be cleaned up every day. And almost none of it is my daughter's doing.

[meandmycats]

What struck me most about the initial post is that is appears angry and self justifying.

 

 

I wonder if perhaps under it all you are feeling frustrated that it isn't going quite the way you would like?

 

 

As has been said many times, you really have no idea of what his home life is like, you only have what he TELLS you it is, and again, as has been said many times, he has already proven himself to be a liar by virtue of his actions.

 

 

He is involved in a secret liason with you. That doesn't speak of a man whose morals and ideals are pristine.

 

 

The truth is sometimes we only see what we want to see.