Author LilySun Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 (edited) But our friends however, have no clue that he and I are as close as we are. The things about his wife come up in casual conversation if he isn't around. So I don't exactly go around asking about his marriage or anything of the sort. Our mutual friends have known a few years longer than me, so they were around when the whole mess started. So given what I have overheard them say, I have yet to catch him in any lies about it all. Another thing heard through the grapevine was that she calls him a useless loser in front of friends and family. He is the only reason she has food on the table.. Or floor... Lol.. And she doesn't lift a finger... Yet he is a loser. If I had a man that let me get away with being a stay home mom, I wouldn't be talking to my husband like that. Sounds like a very spoiled unappreciative person to me. Edited February 21, 2015 by LilySun Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 He calls the basement his "apartment" where he works and sleeps. Its a studio so its very organized and clean, unlike the rest of the place. He didnt only stop sleeping in bed because of the mess, but also because they just don't get along and he is no longer attracted to her. Her messy thing is only a fraction of their issues. They got married because she was pregnant and its what their families wanted. I doubt he saw all this coming at the time. He wasn't crazy about marriage but he did it because he was convinced it was just the right thing to do. So they never married just for love to begin with. And you believe all the stuff he tells you? I dont see him very much. About 3 times a month, but we talk everyday and night, or when we can. So he isnt with me enough to say my time is much against his home life. Rest of his time is work and kids. He makes a priority over me as he should. He has felt stuck for several years. The house belongs to his mother. And wife doesnt work and refuses to work, so he doesn't exactly see it feasible to kick her out, nor to leave his own families home. But now he has chosen to be the one to leave.he is currently looking for a place that will work for his kids too. He has also started up a new side business because he wants to make sure he still has all the finances he will need. He is ready to move out but still willing to support her and pay all the bills... If she won't work it's the only way he can get out. He and I have many mutual friends. Some were there long ago when he first married her. We are all very tight friends. 2 of them so far, have verified pretty much everything he has told me, and it appears none of them have ever been a big fan of hers. They said they attempted to talk him out of marrying her at the last minute, but he didn't feel right bailing on it at that point. I've been told they have just never gotten along and that she is pretty gross kind of messy. His best buddy told me he knew it was doomed because they were once roommates and he was cleaning up constantly. This persons quote was "she just lets it go so bad that even if he helps he can't keep up"... Her effort in being clean is described as Zero. So anyway, he is working towards an exit now so I guess that's what matters. So he talks to you all day and night; instead of focusing on his JOB and his children when he is home? Instead of being a parent or a husband, he is too busy chatting to his mistress? How many kids does he have? You claim the wife 'refuses' to work; yet for all you know, they CHOSE for her to be a stay at home mom. It is obvious you don't have kids because your flippant attitude of her "not working" is wrong on every level. A stay at home mom is 'at work' 24/7 with no breaks - and in THIS situation, she could have a break but her husband and baby daddy is too busy talking to his mistress to help out. Do you have any idea how much daycare costs? If she can't make a DECENT living, her working will just be paying for daycare. Again, maybe they chose for her to be at home with the kids. And he must not have minded her if they have more than 1 kid...most people don't get pregnant the first time they have sex. You don't think the friends know - but I would bet they do know. Him getting his own place will cramp your affair - he will have to be present for his kids (on his visitation days) and won't be able to spend hours on the phone with you. He will be responsible for his kids and his wife won't be there to be mom and dad to them since he is "so busy". Tell him to call you when he has moved out and gotten divorced. See if that spurs him into action. Tell him until he gets his life figured out, he needs to focus on his kids. If, and that is a big IF, the living conditions are as he claims, he is a crappy father and doesn't deserve time with his kids for allowing them to live in filth and be raised in that type of environment. I personally think you need to open your eyes and stop believing everything you hear. Wait for actions to match the words. Call CPS if the kids are living in that kind of filth - they will take action. Let him know you will be calling CPS for his kids sake - so they don't have to live the way he claims they live. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilySun Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 Hahaha... No we dont talk all day and all night. It is sporadic. Its at least once daily, sometimes more, sometimes less. It depends on the day. There is no doubt in my mind that being a mom is work. I don't anyone to tell me that. I am childless. To me it would be quite a special gift if I had kids to be home with 24/7. If anything I would be trying to make home as pleasant as possible for my working husband. But that is just me seeing things from the other side of the fence. I am the type to try and return what I get, but not everyone is that way. And I believe it because he is not the only source. I am friends with people who have known them both many years. These people have been to their wedding, their home, and have witnessed everything he has told me. Otherwise I would have more reason to doubt. He is currently on a weekend get away with just him and his kids... They have 2. He was so very excited about this time with them. And yes I know its true because his wife posted on facebook that she has a weekend without her kids. Also his friends are close to his mother. They report that she expresses alot of dislike for mommy because the house was once hers, and she is disgusted at how she keeps it. Mother says she has told her son for years that he should leave, but he argued that he should stick it out. Mom n Law isn't a fan of hers either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilySun Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 I also have a girl friend that was "best friends" with his wife in high school. They are no longer friends because of a falling out. According to her, she used to say that she wanted to find a guy who would just give her babies and not have to do anything else. The Ex friend claims she had a reputation as a "golddigger"... But I have never mentioned this to him..I figure he knows this already. Anyway, there was supposedly a wealthy ex boyfriend in her past that said he still expected her to work if they got married, so she broke up with him. As time goes on I learn more and more about her without even asking. I keep encountering people who know her, and have yet to hear 1 single good thing about her. That's all I know. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 I also think he is just now to the point of knowing something has to be done about their situation. Maybe I'm the one who motivated that, but maybe not. He was likely going to reach this breaking point with or without me. She won't leave because she refuses to get a job (which i know is true because her own friends have told me so). She hates him but won't leave him. So it won't happen unless he risks looking like the big jerk for leaving... Of course. he refers to her as a great mom. But as husband and wife, they don't click at all. It happens. More likely he will stay. What do you plan to do for your life - to change this for you? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Who are all these supposed "friends" who have nothing better to do with their time but to spread nasty gossip? I will tell you one thing. I was once very in love with a man who was handsome, charming, intelligent and also a mental case. He was very deceptive and manipulative and he had a talent for making people believe whatever he wanted them to. When I met him he told me awful stories about his ex gf and mother of his son. His friends backed those stories up. We eventually broke up because like I said, he was a mental case. Needy and abusive, but never in public, so I was the only person who saw what a nasty piece of work he could be. When we were together I would often see his sons mom when she was picking the boy up or dropping him off. We talked sometimes and became somewhat friendly with each other. Some years after I broke up with my bf I ended up moving just down the street from her and we would talk in passing, then we started walking together and then we became real friends. She is nothing like my ex made her out to be. She is truly a humble caring person who goes over and above board for everyone in her life. I knew my ex lied about her to paint himself the victim. That was his MO, he did the same to me, but I wondered how it was that his friend all agreed with his nasty description of her. I dropped his friends names into a couple of conversations without telling her what I had heard them say about her, because she is really sweet and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, and it turned out that she didn't really know any of his friends. A couple she had met once or twice and a couple she had heard him speak about but never personally met. So it turns out that all the smack his friends were talking about her was just crap he had told them and they were regurgitating back to me! They didnt' know her but they thought they did because they believed all the stories and all the whining they heard from my ex. So just because a bunch of people are spreading the same nasty gossip, it doesn't make it true. I personally don't trust people who have nothing better to do than put other people down and spread nasty stories about others, even if there is an element of truth to those stories. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Since you have it all figured out on his reason for cheating on his wife and family, I will only offer this advice....stay perfect. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spookysonata Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 This guy's story has holes you could drive a truck through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilySun Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 I guess now he is announcing they are splitting up... Got a text from a friend this morning... Said I heard X and M are getting a divorce. So I guess its official. He told me he was about to make it happen, but I didn't expect it to make news this soon. He has apparently been talking to an old buddy and roommate about renting space from him. This is the same friend of ours claims he has witnessed her being quite verbally abusive on several occasions. He also says for a few years, that he has suspected she might have a guy on the side somewhere, but no proof. Her husband has never discussed that with me so I don't know if he shares the same thought. Only his one friend has ever told me that, he didn't go into whatever details gave him this idea. This is a person I have known well for about 15 years. He has never said that he dislikes her, just that their marriage was clearly a mistake. He said before marriage, there was a girlfriend that was physically abusive, but then he met his wife. So it just seems that he always made bad choices in women. I have been in abusive relationships and stayed way too long, because you hope for change or your in denial. So I think his friends perceive him as being in the same kind of scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 I guess now he is announcing they are splitting up... Got a text from a friend this morning... Said I heard X and M are getting a divorce. So I guess its official. He told me he was about to make it happen, but I didn't expect it to make news this soon. He has apparently been talking to an old buddy and roommate about renting space from him. This is the same friend of ours claims he has witnessed her being quite verbally abusive on several occasions. He also says for a few years, that he has suspected she might have a guy on the side somewhere, but no proof. Her husband has never discussed that with me so I don't know if he shares the same thought. Only his one friend has ever told me that, he didn't go into whatever details gave him this idea. This is a person I have known well for about 15 years. He has never said that he dislikes her, just that their marriage was clearly a mistake. He said before marriage, there was a girlfriend that was physically abusive, but then he met his wife. So it just seems that he always made bad choices in women. I have been in abusive relationships and stayed way too long, because you hope for change or your in denial. So I think his friends perceive him as being in the same kind of scenario. So your friends know more about what is going on in the MM's life than you do. If you two have such a special love and connection it seems weird that you would get that news through the grapevine rather than from the MM himself doesn't it? If he has had a lifetime problem in making bad choices in women then what does that say about you? You say nobody in your circle knows about the affair and that you don't prod them for information about the MM's wife. Yet it seem like everyone in your circle is always just DYING to tell you all about the MM and his marriage without you even asking. It's as if it's the only thing they talk about 24 hours a day. How odd. This is not going to end up well for you. For one thing you spend way more time talking nasty about the wife and comparing yourself to her than is healthy. Is this about being with the one you love or is it more about competing with his wife and coming out the winner? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 I guess now he is announcing they are splitting up... Got a text from a friend this morning... Said I heard X and M are getting a divorce. So I guess its official. He told me he was about to make it happen, but I didn't expect it to make news this soon. He has apparently been talking to an old buddy and roommate about renting space from him. This is the same friend of ours claims he has witnessed her being quite verbally abusive on several occasions. He also says for a few years, that he has suspected she might have a guy on the side somewhere, but no proof. Her husband has never discussed that with me so I don't know if he shares the same thought. Only his one friend has ever told me that, he didn't go into whatever details gave him this idea. This is a person I have known well for about 15 years. He has never said that he dislikes her, just that their marriage was clearly a mistake. He said before marriage, there was a girlfriend that was physically abusive, but then he met his wife. So it just seems that he always made bad choices in women. I have been in abusive relationships and stayed way too long, because you hope for change or your in denial. So I think his friends perceive him as being in the same kind of scenario. Well. Sounds like each of you has a habit of picking dysfunctional/broken people for romantic partners. I'd recommend therapy for both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wifeinpain Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Just a bunch of nasty gossip. I wonder what all of these friends say about you? Vicious gossipers talk about EVERYONE. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilySun Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 Today I learned some shocking info.. 1st that they are divorcing... Then another friend called and told me she was seen out last night.. With a man that she was obviously affectionate with. But there is no other known info about this relationship otherwise. He just texted me about an hour ago after returning from his trip with his kids, but didn't mention her, so I don't even know if he is aware of this. I don't feel it's my place to say his wife was seen with a man last night. I am assuming this will get to him some way or another, but since he is already in process of divorcing her, perhaps he won't care, I don't know. Part of me is not surprised and another part of me is speechless. I have a feeling this will all hit the fan pretty soon. No way to know if this is new for her or if it's been going on a long time. The witness just said she looked very happy as though she was celebrating. I am in a weird place where I don't if I should be the friend to tell him about it, or if I should just pretend to be oblivious.. I am pretty sure that he will be confiding in me either way though... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilySun Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 Its all over now. She admits to online dating for the last 2 years. I had brunch with her husband today. They had a long night. But said they had a pretty civil talk without fighting for the most part. He also told her he has been seeing someone about a year.. And her reaction was that he made this up to try and make her jealous. So she doesn't even believe that I exist at this point. That aside, they have to come to agree on going their separate ways and try to make it work as best as possible for the kids. They are supposed to give them this news tonight, when he talked about that part today he got pretty emotional to the point of tears. He is kindof a wreck just from the stress of it all. But he didn't seem too phased or upset about what she said, I think it just didn't surprise him, maybe he knew all along and just didn't address it. I'm not sure. But they exchanged some sorrows and apologies... He actually said it was the most decent conversation they have had in years. Perhaps they will be just fine as friends and parents. Anyway, he only has a couple days left at home before he starts staying with a friend, for now anyway. I will just be giving him alot of space now and be there if he needs someone to talk to otherwise. We aren't making plans to jump on a horse and ride off into the sunset... Things will happen or they won't. For now I just want to be in a friendship status and not rush anything. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I am really shocked at the gossip factor about their lives. People knowing everything and then as soon as it happens, someone texts and spreads the news. Unbelievable. Don't people have their own lives to worry about? The knowledge of this MM and his wife that everybody seems to gossip about, just think one day you'll be the topic of gossip when the time you and MM get together for real. Glad that you're in no rush and you're giving him space. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 That poor kid. It sounds like you are happy, that's good. You also sound like a nice person, I bet this will work out for the best. Hopefully he understands that someone should step in and help his child, or he should petition to have her full time. (However that works.) Link to post Share on other sites
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