My boyfriend is married.

[Elle1975]

People lie, and while we all consider ourselves somewhat good "lie detectors", truth is, there is always someone smarter than us. Someone who will prey on our weaknesses, and tell us what we want to hear.

[the_artist_1970]

I need tons of space. Have never been a person that wants to see people I Date daily. I get tired of people easily, unfortunately. If he were mine full time, I would likely get sick of him too. Sometimes I think the only reason I'm happy IS because he is married, will stay married, and I will never have to commit to him much more. I have always lived alone and like my space, so I have never done well with men that want to be with me constantly. Or need me to be a perfect girlfriend. No I have no expectations from him, nor does he from me, so we just like the whole stress-free part of it all. Call it insane, but to me and him this is a perfect world. If we were together for real, who knows, we might hate eachother as much as he and the wife do. Eventually this will end and we will still be friends and we will look back on it as quite a nice time. We were friends over 10 years ago, that will just never change. I don't even care about his marriage. He chose to tell me all these things on his own because we are friends. I am being very selfish and taking advantage of his situation and how he feels about me. So if anyone is the bad guy its me.

 

So, because you are deathly afraid to commit to and be in a full time relationship you become partners in crime with a MM and enable him to cheat on his W??? Sweet:rolleyes:

[LilySun]

So, because you are deathly afraid to commit to and be in a full time relationship you become partners in crime with a MM and enable him to cheat on his W??? Sweet:rolleyes:

 

Nah it's not something I sought out because of my commitment fears. Nor did he seek it out because of a loveless marriage. It fell into our laps and we are still very close and even still getting closer by the day. Now he is in a process of ending things with his wife... Per his choice.. I never have encouraged him to leave her or do it for me. He is doing it for himself and he is trying to make it as smooth as possible for all involved. We do know this opens a door of opportunity for us however we are not talking marriage or anything of the sort. Divorce things take time, then we will either decide to be official or just remain friends... Frankly I would be happy either way. We support each other very deeply in all decisions in our lives and encourage each other to make our dreams come true... All of that wouldn't change whether he left her or not, or whether or not we end up together. We don't just assume we'd be all roses and rainbows as a couple, because for all we know it wouldn't work that way. But time will help us figure that all out later...

[Cinnimon]

Can I ask how long you've been involved with him? ( sorry if it's been stated before)

Also , you said in your original post that he felt he needed to stay for his child yet now you state he is leaving, has he changed his mind about staying for the sake of his child?

[LilySun]

Can I ask how long you've been involved with him? ( sorry if it's been stated before)

Also , you said in your original post that he felt he needed to stay for his child yet now you state he is leaving, has he changed his mind about staying for the sake of his child?[/QUOT

 

Its been almost a year but has slowly progressed to being more intense and involved since then. Before that, we ran in the same circle of friends over 10 years ago. So we were already friends. But I didn't ever know him near as well as now, back then he had just gotten married which I was not aware of at the time. He is not having an easy time with the kid part of this, he knows it will be a difficult thing for everyone, but he has reached his last straw in being with someone who puts him down all the time and think he just doesn't want to feel miserable anymore. She treats him like she doesn't even want him there so he is just ready to go. Perhaps he came to realize it's better for a kid if a marriage like that ends, instead of continues. He is actually a very involved dad with the kids sports and such, which is why we don't get to see each other just anytime we want. I am sure he wants this to go in a way that will allow him to remain that kind of dad. But I guess that depends on how the mom handles the whole thing. Hopefully if she doesn't love him, she at least still lets him do his dad thing.I know if she makes that hard it will break his heart. So he is trying to do this all in a very calm and cautious manner, as much as one can anyway.

[Poppy47]

If she is so neglectful of the home coniditons he can always get custody of the children, you know. In this day and age, men do become single fathers. IF she is so bad, she might be considered a threat to the children's health and well being.

 

I don't see him as a very good father model either. Who looks after the children while you and he are busy at whatever you do?

 

I think he's painting you the worst possible scenario so you will feel sorry for him and play his game.

 

You sound as though you know ALL about her ? Are you two friends as well? If not, then you only have it on hearsay from him. I think he is really doing a number on you.

Poppy

[LilySun]

If she is so neglectful of the home coniditons he can always get custody of the children, you know. In this day and age, men do become single fathers. IF she is so bad, she might be considered a threat to the children's health and well being.

 

I don't see him as a very good father model either. Who looks after the children while you and he are busy at whatever you do?

 

I think he's painting you the worst possible scenario so you will feel sorry for him and play his game.

 

You sound as though you know ALL about her ? Are you two friends as well? If not, then you only have it on hearsay from him. I think he is really doing a number on you.

Poppy

 

Trust me, the way she keeps house has already been an advantage his eyes. If he can somehow have full custody of his kids, he would more than happy to if it was possible. His complaints about her are no better hers are. They flat out hate each other. It was that way before he got involved with me. So now what ever they go through just keeps getting worse, in his eyes. But he has tried to stick it out otherwise. They simply disagree on everything and anything. If they still had any mutual respect I'd doubt he would be with me. He and I however see alot of things in the same kind of light. I think its just a matter of two people wrong for eachother and no one is a good guy or bad guy. Just plain bad for and eachother. Their marriage was going to be that way whether or not I was in the picture.

[LilySun]

I also think he is just now to the point of knowing something has to be done about their situation. Maybe I'm the one who motivated that, but maybe not. He was likely going to reach this breaking point with or without me. She won't leave because she refuses to get a job (which i know is true because her own friends have told me so). She hates him but won't leave him. So it won't happen unless he risks looking like the big jerk for leaving... Of course. he refers to her as a great mom. But as husband and wife, they don't click at all. It happens.

[LifesontheUp]

So it won't happen unless he risks looking like the big jerk for leaving... Of course.

 

If he really wants to leave and it is as bad as he says, he will.

 

But I'll stand by my original post on here, he isn't going anywhere imo.

[minimariah]

If he can somehow have full custody of his kids, he would more than happy to if it was possible.

 

does he have one kid or more?

seems a little odd that he married her only because she was pregnant and then goes and makes ANOTHER kid with her - if he has more than one.

 

also - why doesn't he understand that full custody isn't what's best for his kid(s)? taking children away from their mother (or father) is never a good idea. if he thinks she is a great mother - why does he want to take her child away from her? joint custody is probably the best arrangement for every kid because they need BOTH active parents in their lives.

 

i know he hates his wife but he should think about his children first.

[minimariah]

He took pictures of all the rooms in the house and I have never seen anything so gross. Every room in the house is disgusting to look at, including their bedroom, which he hasn't slept in in 6 years because she refuses to clean it up. He has set up his own space in the basement and sleeps there. It gets to the point where he has to end up cleaning because she doesn't, but even then he can only do so much because he spends alot of time working.

 

does he know how to clean? why didn't HE clean it up, called cleaning services... anything? why does he allow his child to live in such a dirty environment? why is he taking pictures instead of cleaning up, LOL? he can't take an hour in a day to start cleaning up? and don't give me the "he works a lot" excuse - he has time to clean but clearly, he is just as lazy as his wife.

[Cinnimon]

This just doesn't make any kind of sense to me. You have said, he hates her, she hates him, she's neglectful toward the children and the house and does not work and refuses to do so. They have no mutual respect for eachother, they basically merely exist and miserably at that , yet rather than be "seen" as the big jerk, he'd rather BE a big jerk, lie cheat, complain and endure for the sake of .......what?

It seems simple to me. He leaves, gets a divorce, gets half custody of the kids, he is responcible for himself and the kids, she is responcible for herself and the kids. Over, end of story. What is the problem at this point? He doesn't want to look like a jerk but he doesn't mind making her look like one?

I'm sorry. I just don't get it.

[LilySun]

does he know how to clean? why didn't HE clean it up, called cleaning services... anything? why does he allow his child to live in such a dirty environment? why is he taking pictures instead of cleaning up, LOL? he can't take an hour in a day to start cleaning up? and don't give me the "he works a lot" excuse - he has time to clean but clearly, he is just as lazy as his wife.

 

He does end up cleaning... Because she doesn't. He was the finally the one to gather all the old junk and trash around the house and get rid of it. He has asked her to change some of her bad habits but it doesn't happen... Not that all of us can't get messy sometimes... She has a lot of little gross habits though, things I would have a fit about too if it was my spouse.... The girl doesn't even throw away her darn bloody tampons. She leaves them laying around. That's only the beginning of what I heard. It isn't just about the house, she has beyond nasty and non-hygenic habits. It drives him bonkers that the kids have to be around it. But he is the one working and she isn't, so he can only do so much. He waits until its eating him up before he says anything, and its their typical daily argument. I am sure he has his own quirks that drive her crazy too, but clean wise he is the OCD type and actually can't stand a mess. She is the opposite. I have seen the same scenario in so many marriages. One is clean, one is messy, and they want to kill each other. Their story is very similar to every other troubled marriage I know... Some of those fell apart, some are still living that way and miserable. They too will have one of those results... Obviously.

[LilySun]

Also recently I saw a facebook post of hers... A pic of food all over the floor, from the kids. Now before this happened, he once told me how he always has to make the kids pick up their food and it doesn't bother her. In her post of the pic, she was laughing like she thought it was hilarious to have food on the floor. This is long after he told me about it. Anyway, food left on the floor isnt funny to me but I guess some people think so...

[whichwayisup]

The girl doesn't even throw away her darn bloody tampons. She leaves them laying around. That's only the beginning of what I heard.

 

You "heard". You did not see this, you heard it from your MM. I doubt very much half of what he tells you is true. And as for the facebook post, she probably posted it showing how funny it was that the kids made a mess with their food and I bet it was posted in jest. Why are you lurking her page anyway?

 

If he wanted to leave, he would. He hasn't. If he wanted to separate and/or divorce, he would. He hasn't. Sorry to be blunt but it seems you're waiting on the side lines in hopes that his marriage will fall apart and he'll come to you. All his complaining means nothing since he isn't making plans on leaving his marriage.

 

Your MM is going to skew the truth, bend the truth to make him look great in your eyes and I'm betting he's done what many other WS's have done, re write marital history to lessen the guilt and to justify the affair. He's more than likely greatly exaggerated what goes on at home with his wife. I mean, would you be happy to hear he's having sex with his wife, things are good between them, they get along well and have fun together? My guess is no, you wouldn't so of course he will tell negative things about her to ease your mind about what goes on at home. You really don't know 100%, you have his word to go on and that's it. You're not a fly on the wall in their bedroom, so you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

[whichwayisup]

This just doesn't make any kind of sense to me. You have said, he hates her, she hates him, she's neglectful toward the children and the house and does not work and refuses to do so. They have no mutual respect for eachother, they basically merely exist and miserably at that , yet rather than be "seen" as the big jerk, he'd rather BE a big jerk, lie cheat, complain and endure for the sake of .......what?

It seems simple to me. He leaves, gets a divorce, gets half custody of the kids, he is responcible for himself and the kids, she is responcible for herself and the kids. Over, end of story. What is the problem at this point? He doesn't want to look like a jerk but he doesn't mind making her look like one?

I'm sorry. I just don't get it.

 

I think he's totally exaggerating and lying. And IF any of this is true, wtf is he doing leaving his wife alone at home with his kids while he's out having an affair. You're right, none of it makes sense. Most with common sense would NOT do what he is doing, if he is so worried about the welfare of his children he'd do something about it and protect them from sickness they could get from the home from mould, dirt and rotten food. He's making it seem like his wife is white trash and is dirty, stupid and lazy. Yet..He hasn't left and divorced her. That says it all.

[minimariah]

I am sure he has his own quirks that drive her crazy too, but clean wise he is the OCD type and actually can't stand a mess.

 

i don't think you realize how ridiculous this entire situation & his excuses are.

 

he is the OCD type & can't stand mess - but he sleeps in their basement because he allowed his bedroom to turn THAT nasty? he can't stand mess but refuses to sleep in their bedroom because she won't clean it up - my question was... why won't HE clean it up, why wait on her? he is the OCD type and can't stand mess but allows every room in his house to turn disgusting, how is that?

 

sweetie, does this make any sense to you? being OCD type and not being able to stand mess - you won't ever find yourself in a situation where you can't sleep in your bedroom because it's THAT messy; i should know because i am that OCD type who can't stand mess and i clean all the time.

 

if things are that bad, what kind of parent is he to allow his children to live in that mess? why isn't he calling social workers, filing for sole custody? if it's THAT bad? and on top of everything - he refers to her as a great mother...? how does that make any sense to you? i genuinely don't get it.

 

why did he marry her in the 1st place if she is that gross? what was he thinking? what does that say about his character? how can anyone fail that much & end up living with someone who won't even put their bloody tampons in the trash can? he chose her and married her + has children with her... what, she turned gross over night? doesn't that turn you off? the fact that he went and married, had children with someone who is THAT nasty?

 

so much holes in this dude's entire story.

[LilySun]

He calls the basement his "apartment" where he works and sleeps. Its a studio so its very organized and clean, unlike the rest of the place. He didnt only stop sleeping in bed because of the mess, but also because they just don't get along and he is no longer attracted to her. Her messy thing is only a fraction of their issues. They got married because she was pregnant and its what their families wanted. I doubt he saw all this coming at the time. He wasn't crazy about marriage but he did it because he was convinced it was just the right thing to do. So they never married just for love to begin with.

[Ruffian1]

"The girl doesn't even throw away her darn bloody tampons. She leaves them laying around."

 

 

There is no way to know if this is true or not. If so, then she must have some kind of mental illness. 99% of tampons are flushable. Just pull them out right into the potty, right?

 

 

LilySun

 

 

Are you looking for a exclusive R with him when he finally D her?

 

 

How many kids will he have to pay CS for? How long was the M?

 

 

Do you have any children? If not do you want any?

[anika99]

You say he is in the process of ending his marriage. What steps has he taken so far to end it?

 

 

Also tampons are flushable and since the toilet is the usual place to remove a tampon it makes no sense that instead of just dropping it in the toilet bowl and flushing it she would deliberately bring her used tampon out of the bathroom and fling it about the house. That story sounds over the top.

[stillafool]

He was a friend of mine 10 years before all this, and when friends go through a tough time, I don't judge them, I am here to listen, and he is no exception to that rule....

 

So if you two have been friends for 10 years before your affair started you have obviously met his wife, is this correct? I can't imagine myself having a 10 year friendship with anyone and not introducing them to my husband. Also your bf is a bad father to allow his children to live in such filth. Why hasn't he left her and filed for sole custody? He should call child services to review the situation if he really cared. Also if he has full custody of the kids she will have to get a job. He may have to pay her some money to move, etc., but then she will have to get a job. Why is he dragging his feet on this?

Edited February 20, 2015 by stillafool

[stillafool]

He calls the basement his "apartment" where he works and sleeps. Its a studio so its very organized and clean, unlike the rest of the place. He didnt only stop sleeping in bed because of the mess, but also because they just don't get along and he is no longer attracted to her. Her messy thing is only a fraction of their issues. They got married because she was pregnant and its what their families wanted. I doubt he saw all this coming at the time. He wasn't crazy about marriage but he did it because he was convinced it was just the right thing to do. So they never married just for love to begin with.

 

Oh, okay. What year is this? 2015. People are having babies and not marrying everywhere. This isn't 1950. He married her because he wanted to.

[stillmind]

As far as mess goes, I have to say, by the end of the day my house is a disaster from kids and pets lol. It takes maybe a half hour of cleanup after the bedtime to go back to normal, but do you have any idea the kind of mess tired young kids can create in a short amount of time??? Clothes flung everywhere, crayons, toys, spaghetti, shoes, etc ... what mom's house hasn't looked like a war zone at some point?

 

I mean this may be alien to a single person, but seriously, a pack of tired kids can trash a place in minutes. It's all superficial and easy to clean up, but it sure looks horrible while it's there.

[Gigigirl]

His wife "sounds" nasty as hell! But then again he married her, had kids with her and refuses to leave...so what does that say about him?? No way is your MM OCD, he would NOT be able to tolerate it on any level. My BF of 9 years has OCD habits and NO WAY IN HELL he would put up with any of that, he physically can't it would drive him crazy. I smell lies and exaggeration.

 

And I hate to be Miss Obvious but where is his concern for his kids wellbeing in a filthy, dirt, disgusting house while he leaves them there while running around with you? He would rather run off with you when it's possible his kids are eating off the darn floor??? Does that make any sense?

 

Conclusion: I'm sure his wife does have little habits that bother him, we all do but he is lying about this. My first question to him would be "and you stay in that nasty house why....? No like seriously...why?".

 

And I agree with the poster who stated how messy young kids can be. I have 2 little ones and when they get to going they can really tear the house up...and they do it right after I get done cleaning up the first time. Any household with young kids is going look crazy from time to time. And also a "messy" house and a "dirty" house are not the same. Do you even know if the pics he showed you actually came from his house?

[LilySun]

His wife "sounds" nasty as hell! But then again he married her, had kids with her and refuses to leave...so what does that say about him?? No way is your MM OCD, he would NOT be able to tolerate it on any level. My BF of 9 years has OCD habits and NO WAY IN HELL he would put up with any of that, he physically can't it would drive him crazy. I smell lies and exaggeration.

 

And I hate to be Miss Obvious but where is his concern for his kids wellbeing in a filthy, dirt, disgusting house while he leaves them there while running around with you? He would rather run off with you when it's possible his kids are eating off the darn floor??? Does that make any sense?

 

Conclusion: I'm sure his wife does have little habits that bother him, we all do but he is lying about this. My first question to him would be "and you stay in that nasty house why....? No like seriously...why?".

 

And I agree with the poster who stated how messy young kids can be. I have 2 little ones and when they get to going they can really tear the house up...and they do it right after I get done cleaning up the first time. Any household with young kids is going look crazy from time to time. And also a "messy" house and a "dirty" house are not the same. Do you even know if the pics he showed you actually came from his house?

 

I dont see him very much. About 3 times a month, but we talk everyday and night, or when we can. So he isnt with me enough to say my time is much against his home life. Rest of his time is work and kids. He makes a priority over me as he should.

 

He has felt stuck for several years. The house belongs to his mother. And wife doesnt work and refuses to work, so he doesn't exactly see it feasible to kick her out, nor to leave his own families home. But now he has chosen to be the one to leave.he is currently looking for a place that will work for his kids too. He has also started up a new side business because he wants to make sure he still has all the finances he will need. He is ready to move out but still willing to support her and pay all the bills... If she won't work it's the only way he can get out.

 

He and I have many mutual friends. Some were there long ago when he first married her. We are all very tight friends. 2 of them so far, have verified pretty much everything he has told me, and it appears none of them have ever been a big fan of hers. They said they attempted to talk him out of marrying her at the last minute, but he didn't feel right bailing on it at that point. I've been told they have just never gotten along and that she is pretty gross kind of messy. His best buddy told me he knew it was doomed because they were once roommates and he was cleaning up constantly. This persons quote was "she just lets it go so bad that even if he helps he can't keep up"... Her effort in being clean is described as Zero. So anyway, he is working towards an exit now so I guess that's what matters.